Chapter Text
ZHANG HAO
Hao badly wished he could just end things as soon as he woke up, because disappointment was the first thing he felt when he saw the sunlight peeking through his blinds. He rolled his eyes before he kicked the weighted blanket off his legs and walked to the bathroom as slowly as he possibly could, as the wound he had on his ankle hadn't healed yet despite two days that already passed, and it certainly hasn't been better.
“Am I going to die?” he couldn’t help but overthink, given how much time his body was taking to heal this time. Hao wasn't exactly thin, but he wasn't like the boys his age who were already conscious enough about their image and went to the gym.
Frustrated, he touched his cheeks with his fingertips and exhaled a ragged breath. When has it gotten this worse? He’s nineteen, already old enough to stand up on his own feet and defend his life, which was rightfully his, yet he couldn’t.
After he graduated from middle school, he thought that would be the end of it. That the second he reached 10th grade, the bullying would finally stop… but he was wrong.
Because of their age and their own mental awareness of what they are capable of doing, everything and everyone's only gotten more violent. They've figured out their potential to be assholes that it feels like a ticking time bomb for them to fulfill. It all started with little comments, like throwing snarky homophobic remarks at him and calling him nicknames he gave no consent to.
“Hey, unicorn boy! Look at me, I’m walking so prettily!”
He hated the voices that called out to him whenever he walked down the halls by himself, because they were always present in whatever he did, ready to tease the hell out of him for no reason at all. Whenever his friends wouldn't be by his side, that's when things would get more physical, which is like, the majority of the time. So, what he does is hide the fact under jackets, fuzzy sweaters, or cardigans he bought from the thrift store.
Hao had suffered endless bullying throughout middle and secondary school, and he somehow had an idea for the exact reason why. The root cause of the bullying he experiences, the one he knows and believes it to be, is how he doesn't have the same urges of interest for the opposite sex. He didn’t have an interest in anyone whether they were boys, girls, or even famous actors.
Since he was a child, he has had no interest in playing with remote controlled cars, robots, or miniature war planes. He had not much of an interest in dresses or dollhouses, too, so he just felt like an anomaly who couldn't fit into any category of being a normal kid. He didn't know where to “box” himself in, so why would they punish him for it?
Growing up to being a teenager, he had no interest in kissing or touching or being touched because even thinking about it sends chills down his spine… Because whenever someone tried to touch him, it was never out of love. Touching him meant they're about to inflict pain upon him, simply because he wasn't like everybody else, and being touched would make him feel how much power everyone has over him.
This led Hao to conclude that if making connections and building something as intimate as love required contact, then he wanted no part of it. He would rather be alone.
The way he moved and how his interests weren't what was expected, he had been beaten up by his stepfather.
“You’re a man! You're supposed to walk and act like one!” His stepfather, Inheo, always yelled every time as he held onto the neckline of Hao’s shirt and kept him up from there. Hao could remember clearly on how much he begged the man for him to be put down and how much tears streamed, but he just wouldn't stop.
How he acted so feminine and expressed himself and showed intelligence had made him the target of every child’s frustration from the age of 8. Most of the boys in his class just decided that they didn’t like him, because being associated with him means you're “infected” with the virus. And some of the girls weren't much different because they hurt him through their eyes and verbal aggression, but most of them treated him like he was one of the girls. They would make him wear pastel pink hair clips and invite him to eat out with them, but he always said no, because he didn't want to bump into anyone who could be from their campus who’d dare hurt him. He doesn't want them to be involved in his mess.
It felt weird though, because outside school, he made friends and got along with his neighbors just fine. No one made fun of him for the way he was and he was adored by the older women who always called him “pretty”. But despite the kindness he experienced from them, it wouldn’t hide the fact that he was being bullied at school. It didn’t conceal the bruises everywhere and wouldn't change the fact that he would still be pushed around as if he wasn’t human.
He shook his head to clear his intruding thoughts before they darkened to the point of thinking about killing himself again, and he stared at his reflection in the mirror and forced himself to practice how he’ll smile if ever someone he doesn't know would greet him. He turned on the tap at the same time and washed his hands, then splashed some water on his face, desperate to cool the heated anxiety burning from within him.
He considers school to be his special entrance to hell, because the entire time of studying had felt like a never-ending nightmare, as if he was in a sleep paralysis he couldn't get out of.
When he entered the last year of middle school, it had gotten so stressful that he begged to transfer schools. It took him a lot of persuasion, but he was able to go with his parents’ permission. After he transferred, even though he was just as miserable in his new class, he already made a couple of close friends whose company had made school bearable for him. Taerae, Rui, and Woongki gave him the treatment he’d never gotten from anyone else except from his siblings.
When the time to choose a high school came, when their final semester of middle school came, Hao held his breath for too long, because he wasn't sure if he even passed his previous classes. And even if he did, he feared that anyone who had bullied him before would be in his choice of school, which was a high possibility given the amount of limited options for academies they had in this city. Everyone knows everyone.
To escape, Hao was enrolled at a private school miles away from home together with his friends, and he can't imagine how horrifying it would have been if not for the people he already knew by heart. He had just been so desperate to get away from the people who hurt him in school, especially his family and his mom’s boyfriend. Out of fear, he asked his older brother to choose a campus that was more than an hour away from the comfort of his room.
He felt bad for trying to get away from his home, but what else can he do to just take a breath from everything? His mom loved him, but she was too fragile and too exhausted to put up a fight whenever his stepfather heckled at Hao for no reason. Jihyun would cry while pain was inflicted on Hao.
At the beginning of his academic year at his new school, his expectations of freedom weren't met because it only got worse. Everyone was more brutal, violent, and more physical, because especially now, everyone was highly capable… financially. For the first month of seventh grade, Hao was chased by several groups of boys all demanding things from him that he wasn’t willing to give them, like the little trinkets he wore on his belt and his backpack. Then after that, he was again labelled as the “unicorn boy” because he wouldn’t get off with the very boys that had made his life a living hell.
From the day they started high school, he doesn’t remember a day when they stopped.
He was petrified whenever he was at school and couldn’t bear to eat a thing because eating causes him to vomit, and it was a daily event. After breakfast and lunch (dinner was an exception because he doesn’t eat at night just so he wouldn't eat at the same table as Inheo), his constant vomiting was his body rejecting what was happening to him. Despite being older than most of his classmates for a year because he started school a bit late compared to everyone else, he could be mistaken as the youngest in class because of how closed off he was.
Now, he is nineteen and in his final year in high school, and he couldn’t wait to escape this hellhole, apply for a scholarship, and focus on his dream major, which was to study music and major in violin. If he's unfortunate, he would just go and study to become a professor, and that isn't an entirely bad backup plan. He wanted to pursue music, but things aren’t looking great right now financially, so his desperate wish is to ace school and earn a scholarship that would carry him through college.
“Hyung, are you sure you don’t want to go with us?” Yujin jumped him from behind and wrapped his arms around Hao, practically breathing down his neck. He planted a quick kiss on Hao’s cheek, in which he just glared at.
“Yeah, because I’ll be taking the bus to school. If you make me take the car with you, it’ll take us about an hour of travel and you will be late.” Hao bent down to escape Jiwoong’s hug and instead moved away to ruffle his younger brother’s hair.
Yujin was their unplanned younger brother from Inheo, and he was the last one to be born in such an unfortunate family. Their mom was always closed off, and his stepfather, although always home, made sure to make their lives a living hell… But well, at least Yujin gets a pass because he’s still young, and he’s his only legitimate child so he wouldn't dare hurt him.
“Woongie hyung, Hao hyung says he won’t go with us,” Yujin pouted and walked towards Jiwoong, who was already standing by the door holding Yujin’s bag. Jiwoong is their oldest brother from their mom’s first boyfriend, whom she left after he was tracked down by the head of a crime syndicate due to his debts.
Jiwoong only smiled. “He doesn’t want to go because he’ll be skipping school, am I right or am I right?” He teased as he adjusted the strap of his leather bag, one he used for his job as an office secretary near the capital. Although they don't know exactly where he works, his income was more than enough to sustain Hao and Yujin’s education and everything else they needed. He hung his arm around Yujin’s shoulder as he grinned at Hao.
“I hate the people at school but that doesn’t mean I’ll skip,” Hao answered before getting down the last step of the stairs to kiss Yujin and Jiwoong goodbye. “You guys go ahead, I’ll eat breakfast first.”
He nodded. “I already cooked, Haohao. I left your food inside the microwave,” Jiwoong said. “Oh, and make sure to hide that fucker Inheo’s cigarettes behind the cans in the cupboard, okay? I just cleaned and I don’t want the house to smell like smoke,” Jiwoong said and planted a kiss on Hao’s forehead before he put his hands over Yujin’s shoulder and took him out to the car.
There were only three of them now, which used to be four. The second-born, Zhang Linghe, was the only sibling Zhang Hao had from the same father. They didn't have much time spent together, because the second Linghe turned sixteen, he was already out the door, escaping from the shackles of their prison. He didn’t want to conform to the standards set by Inheo, like having to be “man” enough.
Linghe was expected to join the basketball team because of how good he was at playing, but he insisted on not joining because he says that being a part of the team meant betraying who he really was. He was encouraged by Inheo to date his rich friend’s daughter, but he declined because he didn't want to touch a woman and be touched by a woman. Despite his multiple decline in Inheo’s wishes, he still used to be their stepfather’s favorite, so when he ran away from home from how toxic everything was, their stepfather changed drastically. He began treating Jiwoong “better”, and focused all of his attention on him. He would take him out to watch games or to the arcade, while Hao was left at home.
To their stepfather’s eyes, Hao was just a mouth to feed and a responsibility he has until Hao moves out. For years since Hao came out to his parents at 13, his stepfather had already given up making a connection with him before he even started. He had no interest in getting to know Hao, and Hao had no sympathy in trying to live up to some irrational expectation of his.
It’s been so long since he’d grown tired of begging for love, so he hadn’t looked for it at all. The only love he’s ever needed was his brothers’, and his friends, Taerae, Ricky (they’re cousins though, does he count?), Rui, and Woongki.
After he had his breakfast, which was just some toast and scrambled eggs, he ran out to catch the bus. He was wearing his mandatory cardigan, just to hide the purple bruises and scars in his arms. He was in his favorite jeans today, so he was in a relatively good mood despite the sour feeling he had when he woke up.
When he got off the bus, he was relieved to see that he wasn’t late. His classes will begin at 8, and it was only 7:36. He had enough time to spare doing nothing. Hao corrected his posture and fixed his wrinkled clothes after sitting in the bus for more than half an hour, then he hurried into the building to get out of the upsetting weather. He thought he was the only person at school because of how early he was, but when he saw that some students were already there, Hao took a deep breath.
Today, things would probably still be the same, so he brought an extra shirt and a bar soap inside his backpack, just in case someone pours spoiled milk on him again.
“Haohao!” Woongki yelled, running up to Hao. “I’m so glad you’re here. Everybody else messaged the group chat saying they’ll be running late, so I thought I’d be alone in the morning,” he pouted and held onto Hao’s arm, wrapping his own.
“Really? Ah, I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to use my phone. I should've texted you,” Hao said, which reminded him that his stepfather threw his phone into the bathtub while he was cleaning, and since then, he hadn’t turned his phone on because it got wet and wouldn’t open. Hao planned to open it a week later, just so the water could “dry out”.
“Mm,” Woongki raised his brows. “Hey, do you want to eat? Let’s wait there until the clock hits 8. My treat!” Before Hao could even say no, he was already pulled by Woongki towards the direction of the cafeteria. He hadn't even realized that he was already holding his breath, anticipating for any impact that might come his way when he steps into the arch of the cafeteria, since something always happens whenever he comes there.
“Hey, uhm… can we buy food from the cafeteria and then eat somewhere else? Like the field–”
“Unicorn boy, watch out!” He heard a scream before he felt something hot come from above his head, and his mouth draped open as quick as the liquid landed. Bits of the toppings from the liquid slowly grazed down his shirt.
“Oh, my God,” Woongki rushed and pulled a handkerchief from his pocket. He immediately tried to wipe down the soup that smelled like fish. “Who did this!” he yelled while wiping his face. “Come out right now!” Woongki was so mad that Hao had to press down on his arm just so he could stop him. Him and Hao were just the same, and the last thing he wanted was for Woongki to experience the same shit he’s going through.
“Why? What would you do? Molest me? Gay boy!” They screamed, and Hao’s face turned into a frown. Why the hell would they say that? They’re so fucked in the head.
Woongki was about to stand up to them while he was breathing hard, about to rush to them and punch them in the face despite his hands being as soft as Hao’s, but Hao stopped him. “No. Let’s not– let’s not do this, Woongki,” he shook his head and held onto his wrist. “Let’s just go to the bathroom so I can change, please? I have a change of clothes in my bag.”
Woongki’s brows were still tightly knit together as he nodded. “Okay.”
The walk to the bathroom looking like shit was a constant occurrence, that even the students in the halls aren’t surprised when Hao heads to the bathroom to change his clothes. “What the hell do they want from you? It’s not like you’ve done anything bad to them for them to always pull shit like this,” Woongki says while Hao was in one of the stalls, changing his shirt.
“I heard from Ricky that this has been happening since you were a kid, and I can’t believe this is still happening to you,” Woongki said. “And for what? Because they actually find you attractive and they want to date you, but they feel disgusted by it because they hate that they could be gay?”
Hao sighed before opening the stall’s door, and with his arms exposed like this, the bruises and scars immediately caught Woongki’s eyes.
“Oh, God–”
“Don’t say anything about it,” Hao smiled. “It’ll heal in a week or two,” he said as he put his bag down on the floor and went to put on a new sweater over the shirt. Woongki still wasn’t able to speak and looked at Hao’s now-covered arms with his mouth that formed an ‘o’. “Why aren’t you saying anything, W–”
“Does your mom know about… a-about those? Do any of the heads at school know? Hao, I didn’t know how bad your bruises were… until now—” Woongki said in a whisper and the silence that wrapped them in this bathroom. “—Zhang Hao! Why don’t you tell anyone?”
“Because what would they say? That the Principal’s son didn’t mean to do it?” Hao answered sarcastically, because he’s had the same thoughts long way back. He thought about telling on Wonsang to the higher-ups so he and his friends would stop, but he then remembered how he was the Principal’s son, and if the heads would side with anyone, it definitely wouldn’t be Hao.
“So, what, you’re just gonna let them keep doing it to you?” Woongki asked, his voice weaker through the sentence.
“Yeah,” Hao answered almost immediately just after the question was asked. “We’re graduating this year, so I won’t be able to see them anymore, you know?” After they graduate, they would all be off to college, and if Hao’s application for music school gets accepted, he would definitely not meet these people again.
This was… this was just a phase he needed to get through.
After they spent almost thirty minutes inside the bathroom, they heard the bell ringing, and the two quickly rushed out the door and ran the halls just so they could reach class on time. It was only the first day of their second week in school, and the last thing Hao would want is to get on their instructor’s nerves. He needed to graduate as the valedictorian so he has higher chances in getting accepted for his applications. If these bullies are his obstacle in order to reach his dreams, then he’d hold on.
The next few days had passed by quickly, and Hao did all the things he could to keep himself occupied. He spent his days with Woongki, Taerae, Rui, and Ricky in pockets of moments that felt almost normal.
During their vacant period, Woongki was rambling about how exhausted he was from staying up until three in the morning playing a dress up game on their family computer, while Taerae looked like he was two seconds from passing out on his desk as he also played the same game. Ricky sat between them while he scrolled through his phone with the same expression he always had whenever he didn’t get enough sleep, and Rui was leaning on his shoulder. Hao sat with them, chin on his arms as he watched them start to bicker about whose turn it was to buy iced coffee after class.
“I won't go out and buy the coffee because I know you won't pay me back later!” Woongki yelled while Taerae was pressing him about it.
“Haohao,” Rui nudged him lightly with her elbow, voice soft. “You okay? You look kinda… pale.”
“I’m always pale,” Hao muttered, though his lips tugged into a faint smile when Woongki laughed at that.
“Yeah, but today you look like you saw Wonsang,” Ricky commented and glanced up from his phone to inspect him with narrowed eyes. “Did something happen?”
“No,” Hao shook his head. “It’s just… weird today,” Hao said casually, pursing his lips with a deep breath, whether from relief or worry. All of them stiffened slightly, as if they understood exactly what he meant, but one else gets it to an extent but him, because quiet days were dangerous and something worse was waiting. Hao had never trusted the calm, because there’s always peace before a storm rages on.
“Well, if anyone even tries to look at you wrong, let me handle it. I feel like punching someone anyway,” Ricky leaned back in his chair coolly, as if he could actually do it. He was a child of a rich man from a rich family. If worse comes worst, Ricky would never have to use his hands because Ricky’s father could deal with them silently.
“You can’t punch anyone, though..? Your arms are like noodles,” Rui said innocently, and Woongki nearly choked from laughing too hard. Taerae was practically screeching and was gripping on his stomach. Hao shook his head, trying not to smile as he listened to them argue. Even if he didn’t talk much, he knew that being near them was enough because they made school bearable.
At one point, Woongki suddenly placed a carton of chocolate milk on Hao’s desk, sliding it forward with a soft grin. “You didn’t eat much during lunch earlier, so drink this. I’ll nag you if you don’t.”
Hao blinked and nodded. “Thank you.”
Rui scoffed playfully. “Wow. He accepts your milk but last week when I gave him one, he looked at me as if I poisoned it…”
“That’s ‘cause you probably did,” Woongki shot back, rolling his eyes.
The bell eventually rang, cutting their conversation short, and everyone began gathering their bags, Rui handing Taerae a plastic bag that contained their rubbish. Ricky slung his over his shoulder and looked at Hao. “We’re going to the mall later to eat because Taerae’s treating everyone. Are you coming?”
Hao shook his head. “I can’t. Yujin needs help with a project.”
They groaned, Taerae dramatically clutching his chest. “We’ve been abandoned! Again!”
Woongki wrapped his arm around Hao’s shoulder, squeezing gently. “It’s fine. Go help Yujin, because we all know that boy will miserably fail without you.”
“Probably,” Hao smiled at that, small and tired.
They walked together until the hallway split. “Text us as soon as you get home, okay? I’ll wait for your message,” Woongki pouted his lips and pretended to kiss Hao. Hao scowled and faked to whoosh air, and laughed while they walked away from him.
The moment Hao turned, the sound of their voices behind him slowly disappeared. As soon as he was alone again, the silence settled into his bones like a warning. So Hao kept his head down as he walked through, trying to weave past the groups of students spilling out of classrooms. The noise felt too loud today, distracting him more than he wanted to admit.
“I just have to get home. I have to get home.”
He was gripping on the strap of his bag and walked as cautiously as he possibly could, that he didn't notice the group of boys near him until it was too late.
“Watch it,” one of them snapped as Hao brushed their shoulders accidentally.
Hao muttered, “Sorry,” and tried to slip past them because he just wants to head home and not deal with any more bullshit today. Unfortunately, a hand shot out and grabbed his backpack strap, yanking him backward, which caused him to stumble. “Hey– let go.”
“Where’re you rushing off to, huh?” another boy said, stepping in front of him. There were three of them. They seemed just a bit older, taller, and they…
‘Holy shit, it’s Wonsang,’ Hao cursed inside his head.
“You think you can just push through people?”
“I didn’t push–” Hao tried to defend himself and not let the situation go bigger than it already is, but Wonsang laughed sharply.
“Look at him. Acting like he’s too good to say excuse me?”
“I did say excuse me,” he lied, because he really didn’t notice them coming.
“Yeah? Say it again.”
Hao’s throat tightened. He glanced around the hallway, hoping a teacher might be nearby, but the crowd had already thinned. Most people walked past them without looking, so he felt that familiar flush of helplessness crawl up his neck. “I don’t want any trouble,” Hao said quietly.
“That’s too bad, then. I have enough time to spare today,” his hand shoved into Hao’s chest, just enough to knock him off balance. Hao staggered back, hitting the lockers with a metallic clang that rattled through his skull. Pain sparked at the base of his head, which made him wince while trying to stay upright. The boys snickered among themselves.
His ear rang ever so slightly, and he could feel his heart palpitating.
“Aww, look at the unicorn boy. He’s shaking.”
“I’m not–” Hao’s voice cracked before he could finish. His vision blurred for a second, the lockers swaying in and out of focus. Fucking hell. Did they really have to push him that hard? He reached for the wall to steady himself, but the boy closest to him pushed his hand away, his wrist almost twisting.
“What, you gonna cry?”
The hallway flickered and he blinked hard, a wave of dizziness rolling over him. “Oh, shit, I think he hit his head,” Hyunjin muttered, and he was suddenly less amused and leaned more on the inflicted pain on Hao.
“Whatever,” Wonsang scoffed, but even he hesitated for a little. “Let’s go,” they left without looking back, disappearing around the corner.
Hao tried to take a step forward and immediately regretted it, because the floor tilted beneath him and he caught himself against the lockers again, breath coming shallow and his heartbeat thudded in his temples. Shit. His friends had gone out already, so he had no one else to help him out. He can't even try and call his brother, because he knows how busy his schedule can get at most times, that even eating lunch and dinner is something he neglects. He can't call his mom and Inheo, because bothering them means he thinks they care about him. And Yujin… well, he was young. He shouldn't deal with the mess Hao was in and should rather focus on doing good in school, so good that he won't have to deal with their parents when he moves out.
A headache bloomed in him, and it felt very disorienting. “Okay,” he whispered, though he didn’t know who he was talking to. “Okay. Just… breathe,” he pressed a hand to the side of his head.
No…
The hallway spun, and before he could control himself, his eyes closed by itself. He had no time for going to the clinic, because he still had to do the laundry, wash the dishes, clean their rooms before sleeping, and make sure that their stepfather hadn’t found the cigarette sticks behind the cans in the cupboard. Jiwoong comes home very late because of his job, and when only their mom, her boyfriend, and Yujin are left at home, Inheo does… things to their mom, and she would end up bruised, whether on her cheeks, her stomach, her inner thighs—anywhere.
He heard a voice calling out to him, asking if he was fine. “Are you okay?” ‘No? I’m literally about to pass out!’ “Can I touch you, S-sir? I’ll carry–” ‘Who are you? Why do you have to carry me? So you can hurt me more like everyone else does?’ “I’ll carry you to the clinic.”
Hao couldn’t look up and open his eyes to see who it was. He wasn’t sure he could, because everything felt too heavy. His legs buckled just slightly, and he slid down the lockers until he was sitting on the floor, the world tilting and fading at the edges.
‘This… isn’t good.’
Before his mind completely shut down, he felt warm hands wrapping around him, lifting him off the ground.
The curtains were shut tight and the air felt stuffy, because no one had probably opened the windows for hours. When he woke up, the first thing he felt was fabric from his bedsheets, already warm and wrinkled under his palms, then he felt the pounding in his skull, the ache forming an invisible line around his head.
‘How did I get home?’
He barely had time to sit up before he heard footsteps that he knew the sound of because they were heavy ones, and that told him exactly who they belonged to. The door slid open with more force than necessary, and Inheo stood there, face dimmed but it was still clear how furious he was.
“You finally decided to wake up,” he said in the tone that always made Hao’s stomach twist. Hao opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He stepped in, shutting the door behind him. “You embarrassed me today,” Hao’s fingers tightened around the blanket the closer Inheo got. “Your mom got a call from your school and told her that her son passed out in the middle of the lockers like some–“
He stopped, jaw clenching, then resumed talking more slowly, like he was choosing each word with intention. “Do you know how pathetic that makes this family look? They even told us that you bothered one of your friends! Was it Taerae again? I swear to God, that boy will soon get tired of dealing with you!”
Hao swallowed. “I… didn’t mean–”
His hand snapped out, gripping Hao’s upper arm hard enough to make him flinch. “You never mean anything, do you? You just cause problems, and then defend yourself by telling me you didn’t mean it!” Hao winced as the fingers dug deeper. He didn’t fight back because fighting doing that would only make it worse, and he could barely lift a finger right now.
“You can’t even take care of your health,” he hissed. “You can’t handle school and can’t stay out of trouble for a single day. What exactly can you do, Hao?” The pressure on him tightened its grip. Hao’s breath hitched while his eyes felt like it was stinging, but he kept them open and fixed his gaze on the folds of his blanket.
“I’m sorry,” Hao whispered.
“You always say that.” Inheo shoved him back onto the mattress, the mattress bouncing under him. “You’re going to get your shit together, and you’re going to stop embarrassing me with your… sickness. Did you understand me?”
Hao nodded quickly just so this bullshit could be over, and Inheo exhaled sharply before he walked out, shutting the door that made Hao’s chest constrict. The second the footsteps faded, Hao let out the breath he’d been holding while his arm throbbed where his father had grabbed him, and the headache flared again, the pain pounding behind his eyes. He curled slightly onto his side, pulling the blanket to his chin and closed his eyes, wishing that he hadn’t woken up so quickly.
Why does he always have to deal with Inheo? Where was his real dad now? He just… left when Hao was as young as four years old, and never came back. He loved him, even though he was already flamboyant at such a young age, and he supported him and bought him toys that he assumed Hao would like. But, as much as Hao would have loved to spend the rest of his life with him, they didn't get to share memories that would stick to his heart.
He would forever grieve the father he never got to know more.
The next few mornings came, and after three days of resting at home, he believed he was ready to head back to his usual routine.
Hao woke to the faint light passing through his curtains, the edges of his room still in shadow. His head throbbed and his arm ached where his father had gripped him, but he moved anyway, pulling the blanket off quietly and really careful not to jostle the floorboards. The house smelled faintly of his father’s cigar smoke and coffee, and he froze, listening for the footsteps. It seemed that his father was already in the kitchen, most likely sitting at the table with a mug of coffee clutched between two hands, eyes fixed on the television from the living room. His mother lingered near the counter, hands pressed together in front of her, voice soft and hesitant whenever she tried to speak.
Hao moved closer to the staircase, trying to listen.
“I need some money to buy groceries. Yujin hasn’t had lun–”
“Can you shut the fuck up, Jihyun? You always ask me for money even when you know that I’m fucking empty!”
She always flinched slightly whenever Inheo sighed or shifted in his seat, a tiny motion that made Hao’s chest tighten in that familiar way. Jiwoong was moving around the living room slower than usual, tying his tie over his white polo under a black suit, muttering to himself about being late for his job. Yujin scrambled around with his backpack, checking notebooks and pencils and making sure nothing was missing, glancing once or twice at Hao with a worried expression he didn’t dare voice.
Hao watched them all from where he lingered in the stairs, his body rigid, the ache in his chest stubborn. When he decided to head downstairs, Inheo didn’t look up when he stepped into the kitchen. “Eat,” he said, voice clipped.
Hao nodded, moving to the counter to grab the remaining dry toast and scrambled eggs. His mother’s eyes flicked toward him briefly before dropping back to the counter as if she had been told not to look too long. Jiwoong glanced up, offering a faint smile, and Yujin fidgeted with his pencil case, trying not to be noticed at all. Hao ate while standing, chewing slowly to keep the sound minimal, because every small motion felt like it was under scrutiny.
Inheo sipped his coffee with that same expression, tapping the cigarette butt against the mug as if counting the seconds. His mother whispered something to Jiwoong, low enough that Hao only caught fragments, “Be careful… he’s still…” and then silence, the fear hovering there unspoken.
When he finished, Hao rinsed the plate, dried it, and put it back exactly where it belonged. He didn’t sit at all and just kept going. Jiwoong had gathered his bag for work and slung it over his shoulder, Yujin adjusted the straps of his backpack one more time, and his mother moved to the stove to prepare a small lunch for Yujin, avoiding eye contact with him.
Hao slipped on his shoes, fixing his cardigan to cover the fading bruises on his arms, and stepped out. The air outside felt shockingly fresh, the sunlight catching on the pavement and making him squint. He moved quickly, every step away from the house a little lighter.
By the time he stepped at the school gate, the hallways were already filled with students. Some of them laughed with their friends, while some jogged to catch the bell. Hao moved quietly among them with their shoulders hunched, hands tucked into the pockets of hi cardigan. He didn’t make eye contact and didn’t look up despite how dizzying it was.
“Hey, Zhang Hao!”
The words echoed off the lockers and Hao’s stomach tightened, a familiar flare of dread hitting him, but he kept walking. “Leave me alone,” he muttered under his breath, careful to make it quiet enough to seem like the wind.
“Hey! Pretty boy!” another voice called, high and mocking, tugging laughter from someone behind them. Hao’s ears burned while his grip on his bag tightened.
‘Was that supposed to be an insult?’
Hao’s been bullied for years and he’s heard things that hurt him physically and emotionally, but he wasn't really doubtful of the way his face looked.
Yes, he’s lost some weight over time, but he loved the way his lips looked despite it being wounded at least once every month. His eyes looked big, and it did bother him, but he wasn't ugly, and he knows it. Being called “pretty boy” now in an attempt to insult him was just a bit confirmation that Hao’s thinking was right. He looked pretty.
Hao didn’t respond. His head stayed down, eyes fixed on the floor, calculating every step to avoid contact and avoid giving them the satisfaction of a reaction. “Don’t forget to smile for us, Zhang Hao!” One yelled as he passed a cluster of lockers, and a small group tittered behind him. “Do you need money to buy yourself something nice? Come on! I’m sure your family would love that!”
Hao swallowed the rising bile in his throat and walked faster. His sleeves hid the bruises along his arms, but they couldn’t hide the way his heart thudded with every insult, or the way he flinched at the echoes of their laughter. He had to keep moving, past people too busy with their own lives to care. He told himself again that this was almost over. Once he goes to college, he would be free.
If we ignore what happened during the morning, the day went better than he could have ever anticipated. He had the best time laughing and playing banter with his friends, and the lessons discussed to them today went in one ear and out because Hao was still laughing about the joke Ricky had said during lunch. After their afternoon schedule, they were walking towards their second to the last class when Taerae paused, his eyes wide open.
"Oh fuck," he muttered.
“You okay?” Ricky went to Taerae’s side, genuine concern plastering his face.
“I left my phone in our morning schedule’s classroom–” Taerae had genuine fear in his face, groaning when he realized how long the walk would be. “I left it in the annex building! It’s like, a freaking 10 minute walk!”
Rui, who was on Hao’s left, frowned. "You can go and pick it up, we'll wait for you here."
“I can’t walk that long,” Taerae replied with a groan. Evergreen Prep School was extensive, and the vast spaces and distances between each room can get tiring if you’re not one up to walk for lengths, like Taerae. “Ugh, I have to get it back.”
Taerae looked genuinely upset, because their next class’s door was right in front of them already, and now he had to walk more than a hundred steps back just so he could get his damned phone back. “Fuck it, dude, I’m gonna be late for Ms. Jung’s class.”
If someone could whine so loudly in the middle of the halls, Taerae would definitely be that person. “She’s gonna be so mad. I have to get it back. I’ll be quick–”
“Oh, what if I get it for you?” The sudden request came from Hao, and everyone looking at him in surprise. And yeah, maybe their reactions are valid because such suggestions, especially from Hao, aren't really typical. It’s more of a standard for Hao to keep his head down every minute and not be seen walking around the campus alone.
“A-are you for real? I can really walk over there without having to cause an inconvenience to you… and I don't want you to walk for that long.” Taerae’s face came across to be so worried, that Hao suddenly felt a pang of guilt, but it faded as quickly as it came. Because he wasn't doing this with the sole purpose of helping Taerae find his phone… as it was more of like an escape.
“I’m sure!” Hao smiled, which made all of his friends go aww with how he beamed. “I forgot to do the essay she gave us last meeting, anyway. I… I don't want to see her face and have her berate me in front of everyone inside the classroom,” he said honestly, pursing his lips as he waited for someone to respond. He forgot to do his homework because it was given the same day he fainted in the halls after being shoved by the spawns of the devil.
“Oh, yeah, right…” Taerae nodded, sighing and looking at Ricky before speaking again. “What if you take Ricky with you? Or Rui? Just to be sure that no one would dare jump you,” he suggested, and Hao shook his head. He doesn't want to take anyone with him on walking out, because that person would most likely be targeted, too, and he wouldn't want to wish the same shit he experiences upon them or anybody else.
“No, no, it’s fine, don't worry about me,” Hao insisted, trying to laugh it off awkwardly. “Plus, Ricky doesn't exactly seem like a threat to them in case anyone comes at me–”
A loud gasp came from Ricky, his palm landing on his chest. “Oh!” he says like he'd been offended now and the offense would be carried until his next life. “I can't believe you would say that to me!”
They laughed, and Hao abruptly shook his head and pushed them lightly. “You guys should head inside, and I’ll try to be back as soon as possible. If I’m late, just tell Ms. Jung that I went to the clinic because of a headache,” and that lie wouldn't really seem to be that far off, no? “Go on, I’ll see you guys later.”
Hao smiled at them once more, and that convinced them to finally let him go with no one else but himself. As scary as it always was to be alone, Hao really wanted to get out of the situation of being scolded in front of a lot of people in their classroom, because not only would that be embarrassing, but it would also go in the logbook of the class’ behavioral records. If it ends up in his records, it wouldn't be a good look in his scholarship application for uni.
He started to walk out of the main building and to the direction of the next building, where Taerae’s phone was left. Hao took his wired earphones out of his pants’ pocket, then plugged it into his phone to play a song from his “haohao’s recs” playlist, just so he wouldn't have to walk for almost 10 minutes without anything to distract him. His eyes roamed around as he walked the halls, noticing the posters stuck on the bulletin board display and how they have an upcoming event which would take place in the open field.
His hands were in his pocket, backpack dangling on his right shoulder, walking peacefully. He took a deep breath, inhaling the fresh air as soon as he stepped out of the main building and onto the path of the annex building. The leaves from the trees were dancing from the wind blowing in his direction, his hair becoming just a bit of a mess because of it. His eyes scrunched lightly, face scowling due to the sudden bursts of strength from the wind.
Hao really took his time walking, trying to stall his time just a little longer. He played with his mouth, pouting his lips and blowing air as he strode carefully, still making an effort to stay alert just in case someone walks right up to him and accuses him of bumping into them.
“Oh–!” Hao exclaimed when he suddenly bumped into a figure. He closed his eyes out of instinct, flinching away just in case they were ready to charge at him for being so careless. “Sorry, I didn't mean to do that,” he bowed as soon as he regained his footing, his hands clenched to his sides. Usually, accidents like these were situations that really got him into trouble, because they're too sudden and gains a rather rash reaction from the person he bumped into.
The figure didn't respond, so Hao stayed bowing, waiting for the signal for him to stand straight. His once closed eyes slowly opened to check if the person was still there, and they were. He saw his shoes and the pants that were baggy and its ends almost reached the floor. The longer he bowed and the longer the silence was, Hao took it upon himself to stop and just look them in the eye.
“My apologies if I wasn't looking. I–” Hao paused when he saw him, because he didn't expect to see such… such an image. The boy had a bandaid on the tail of his brows and a bandage wrapped around his fist, and Hao stared long enough to see a cut on his bottom lip that looked dry, like it had been there for days already that it had started to heal. Yet despite the wounds left on him, his eyes… it would be so easy for Hao to get lost while staring at him— What?
Wait, why wasn't the boy talking? Hao just apologized.
Staring longer, the boy had a scar under his brow, looking like it was from a cut, and he had a single earring on his left ear. ‘Looks like he’d get along well with Wonsang and his friends,’ he whispered inside his head, and that sent shivers down his spine. ‘Fuck. What if he was one of Wonsang’s friends and they sent this guy to lure him?’
Wonsang and his friends looked just like the boy in front of him, with random bandaids and bandages around their body as if they don’t do the same to Hao. Thinking about Wonsang’s circle growing with one added person made Hao quaver just a little, because six people taunting him on the daily was already too much.
“Sorry again. Please, excuse me,” Hao gave a small smile, bowing once before turning away to walk back to their classroom. This was so embarrassing for no reason!
“Wait,” the voice called out, making Hao pause in his tracks. Gulping and closing his eyes subtly, he turned to look at the bot with a smile on his face, straining his mouth to put on a smile, even.
“Yes?”
“Do you know where… the Humanities classroom is? I think I might have gotten into the wrong building because the format I have a copy of for the room number is different from the ones here,” he said, the tone and outline of his voice would make anyone listening to him, fall. Hao doesn't want to be a victim of that, so he stood his ground and just acted how he normally would.
“What’s the name of the professor in your document?”
“Jung Hyeri,” the boy says, looking at the paper he was holding in his hand. Hearing the familiar name, Hao’s eyes unknowingly widened from such a coincidence. “I-is something wrong?”
Hao quickly shook his head and smiled. “We have the same professor in the same class,” Hao says, offering his hand to take the paper and look at the schedule himself just to confirm. “Ms. Jung is already in the middle of her discussion by this hour, so if you want to catch up on her topic, you can head to the main building just ahead, then go to the last door on the first floor. It’s room ZB115,” he says while reading through the document the boy handed him before giving it back.
“Okay, thank you,” he responded as he tucked the document under the iPad he was holding, still standing there and trying to muster up the courage to just talk. “What about you..? Are you not going to attend her class?” He asked out of pure curiosity, and Hao wanted to laugh because of how unsure the boy was from his own question. It was cute.
“Oh, I won't. She left an assignment last meeting, and I totally forgot to do it. I would rather be absent from one class than have her humiliate me in front of our classmates,” Hao tried to explain it as simply as he could without making himself sound like he was a mediocre student who didn't pay attention to his classes. “What about you? Why are– wait, you're lost. I almost forgot,” he laughed, making an effort to at least ease the atmosphere because yes, this boy might be cute, but he had wounds and cuts and band-aids, so… it's better to be safe than sorry, right?
He needed to be at least on this boy’s good side.
“Yeah, I’m a transferee,” he smiled, chuckling just a bit like Hao did. “My name’s Sung Hanbin, by the way, in case I haven't introduced myself properly yet,” the boy, named Hanbin, showed his hand for a shake, and Hao noticed a scar on the back of his palm.
“Zhang Hao,” he said, taking the hand and shaking it just for a while before he pulled his hand back, breathing deeply as he cleared his throat. “Anyway, I still have something to grab upstairs. You can head to Ms. Jung’s class now, I wouldn't want to hold you back.”
Hanbin nodded hesitantly, but he suddenly held onto Hao’s wrist when Hao began to walk away. “Uh, wait–” he cleared his throat. “–I hope it isn't too much to ask for, but… can you walk me to her class? Don’t worry! I don’t really mind waiting for you to finish what you need to do,” Hanbin smiled as a soft chuckle left his mouth.
Hao’s jaw fell just a little, with his eyes that blinked for quite multiple times while he switched his focus from Hanbin’s eyes to Hanbin’s cheeks, to his mouth then back to his eyes. “A-are you sure, Hanbin? You won’t be able to make it in time if I take too long.”
“It’s okay, Zhang Hao. I would rather wait for you than walk around the halls and… get completely lost,” he responded. “Plus, I can never be too sure if the others are going to be as nice as you.”
His words caught Hao off guard for almost a minute, but he shook it off and just gave Hanbin a smile that required closing his eyes slightly. “Okay, okay,” he waved his hands playfully and nudged his head forward. “You can come with me instead of waiting here,” Hao did his best at his attempt with being nice despite the nervousness he could feel from the pit of his stomach.
He was still unsure whether this boy was kind or if he was a spawn of the devil, so he needed to at least keep things casual, no? If he acted a bit too guarded, it could possibly trigger the other’s defenses and cause him harm. If he acted too friendly, he would make himself seem “weak.” Acting nice between those lines should be enough.
Hanbin grinned at him that showed lines at his cheeks and his eyes formed crescent moons, and Hao couldn't help but smile himself.
“Come.”
Hao walked forward without looking back at Hanbin. He just needed to get to their previous classroom, grab Taerae’s phone, walk to Ms. Jung’s class without catching the attention of anyone, finish the rest of his classes, and get home unharmed. Should be easy?
He could hear the shuffling behind him as Hanbin kept looking around the halls. It seemed like it was his first time seeing everything, because he really looked at the walls and the pictures on the rows of wooden boards.
“Is it your first day here?” Hao asked.
“Ah, no. I was here, like, a few days ago when I went to settle my transfer credentials and do my interview," Hanbin answered. “I just never took the time to tour myself around.”
Hao hummed in his throat and kept walking. “It’s really easy to get lost around here at Evergreen, and I’m also one to speak, since it happened to me when I first moved here,” he assured the other, grinning at him. Although Hanbin didn't seem to be much bothered about getting lost, Hanbin still asked to go with wherever Hao was going in order not to get lost. In a way, he wanted to help assure Hanbin somehow. “Do you have friends already?”
Not that he really cared, it was a question that leaned more on knowing if Hao should keep his walls up or not.
“Unfortunately, I haven't really talked to anyone. I can’t call someone here a friend yet, unless…” he paused. “…you want to be mine?”
If Hao was drinking water, he would have choked already. “What?”
Hanbin broke into a small laugh, shaking his head while his eyes basically disappeared from the huge grin plastered on his face. “I meant to say, I can’t call anyone a friend yet… Do you want to be my friend?”
“Ha ha ha!” Hao chuckled and looked away, ultimately deciding that he should shut up and find their classroom on the third floor. He turned towards the staircase and went on to walk without looking back at the boy behind him, every footstep pushing his desires to disappear from embarrassment further.
When they reached the third floor, Hao quickly made his way towards their classroom, checking from the small window of the door if there were other students in there. Once he was sure that there’s no one, he pushed the door open and made his way inside.
“What are you doing?” Hanbin asked Hao, who was bending down to check the drawers of each desk.
“Looking for my friend’s phone,” he replied without glancing at the boy. “It’s a rose gold phone with a duck sticker on it.”
Hanbin didn't need to be told twice and started looking for the phone, too. He went to the back row while Hao was checking on the first and second rows. Hao forgot to ask Taerae where exactly he left his phone, and now he had to shuffle all the chairs just so he could find it. “Fuck…” he whispered under his breath when he checked the 15th chair. He couldn't remember where Taerae was sitting, which is truly a disadvantage.
If only he had asked where it was, he wouldn't be wasting so much time looking for the said phone.
Well, not that he’d truly hate that, because he needed to stall longer for him to skip Ms. Jung’s class. However, considering the transferee who decided to follow him, he had to attend the class whether he would like it or not.
“I should’ve asked–”
“Is this the phone you're looking for?”
Hao darted his attention to Hanbin who was now holding Taerae’s device on his left hand, standing between the fourth and fifth row. Relief washed over Hao because he was starting to think that Taerae didn't actually leave it here and Hao just wasted thirty minutes looking for nothing.
He nodded with a sigh, walking over to Hanbin. “Thank you, Hanbin-ah,” he seized the phone from the other’s grip, hiding it inside his pocket in less than a second. The last thing he needed was to be teased again about handing him something, because he could still remember the time he was begging one of Wonsang’s friends, Seungmin, to give back his notebook for one class. He looked like an idiot chasing it around.
“Let’s go to Ms. Jung?” He didn't wait for an answer and walked past Hanbin, already making his way to the staircase. “We still have twenty minutes. We can make it to her class and you can introduce yourself.”
Hanbin nodded curtly.
The walk back to the main building seemed shorter than his walk earlier. Maybe it was because he was trying to get away from being alone with this boy he’d just met yet already spoke numerous words to him without malice. He wasn't used to it unless it were his friends.
Hanbin walked behind him like a shadow, like if Hao hadn't known that Hanbin was following him, he wouldn't have noticed at all.
The buzz of the hallway filled his ears as he picked on the sleeve of his cardigan.
“Is this normal?”
“Hm?” Hao turned slightly.
“Is this normal? People are looking at you and they’re laughing to themselves,” Hanbin said his observation bluntly. Hao couldn't help but laugh. “No one’s being subtle about it.”
“Yeah, I’m used to it,” he said as if it were an ordinary thing to go through. “As long as they don't touch me, I won't be too bothered about them,” Hao smiled at Hanbin before he went back to concentrating on where he was walking.
Hao thought it was okay. He believed it was a typical occurrence that should just be ignored…
…but the boy behind him thought otherwise.