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Can I help you, officer?
Well, yes, of course you can come in. Please, take a seat. Can I offer you some pie? Fresh baked this morni—
Oh, I’m awfully sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Polly—Polly, get the kettle will you, there’s a love, and make the poor man a pot of tea, he’s pale as pale. That’s my youngest, officer, and a right good girl she is, too. Takes after my husband, she and Sukey both—oh, but look at me nattering away! How can I help you?
Mrs Lovett and Mr Todd? Over by St Dunstan’s? Goodness, I haven’t seen either of them in—oh, must be three weeks at least. Heavens, why are you asking about them?
Oh. Oh, my goodness, how dreadful. My heavens, I can’t quite believe it.
Oh, Polly, thank you, love. I think I might need a cup myself, after hearing that. Would you quickly go and check the rat traps in the cellar for me, my sweet?
Sorry, officer, but Polly’s not even ten yet. You understand.
Was it that lodger of hers, then? A lover’s tiff gone wrong? I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but I always thought it was dreadful unsavoury, him a bachelor and her a widow, and everyone knows she was heating more than his pies, if you catch my meaning.
Did I know her well? Not well, no. Not as such. I used to see her at the markets now and again, though she always kept herself to herself. She was just that kind of person, if you understand me. Oh, I tried to be friendly, but some people don’t want—Anyway, I suppose the woman can have her airs and graces, now her pie shop’s doing such good business. Was doing such good business, I suppose I should say—oh, heavens, how horrible that is.
Poor Mrs Lovett. Poor, poor Mrs Lovett.
It was that Mr Todd, wasn’t it? Who else could have done such a thing? I suppose perhaps whoever she had helping in the shop, but… no, I can’t think of anyone else who would want to harm her.
Me? As I said, we weren’t exactly friends, but my goodness, no, I wouldn’t have harmed a hair on that woman’s—
I beg your pardon?
She said what about my pies?
That mangy old bitch said I use what in my pies?
Cats! The cheek of her! The very cheek!
I’ll tell you what I tell anyone who asks, officer. I use good fresh meat right from the butcher, and he’ll tell you just the same. A pig in every pie, that’s my motto.
Well, no, I suppose I don’t use quite as much pork as that, but that’s thrift, not—
Cats! I never heard such a thing, not in all my life.
Ah, thank you, Polly, that’s a good big fat one, isn’t it? You know where to put the revolting things. Yes, yes, here’s your school pence, and one for Sukey too. Give Mama a kiss? Thank you, my darling girl. Off you pop now.
Yes, I send my girls to school, of course I do! They’re that clever, both of them. Sukey read a whole book on Roman history her teacher gave her, the clever lass. She said there was this bit all about what them olden people ate at their feasts, dormice and all sorts of strange things, and she gave me the idea to—well, that part hardly matters, but then what Polly said is, she said, “Mama, if you get rid of the rats, you’ll get rid of the cats,” because she knows I don’t like the horrid yowling beasts, and do you know, she was quite right? Hardly a cat to be seen up this end of Fleet nowadays, now they’ve no rats to eat, and that’s quite all right by me.
Goodness, I’m just babbling on, aren’t I? I am sorry, officer. Still, it is all a dreadful shock, you must admit.
No, I’d never heard Mrs Lovett had said anything like that about me. What a despicable thing that was for her to tell people, when I’d never said even one unkind word to her. I bet that wretched woman was using cats herself, and with me getting rid of all them mangy mousers, she was cross with me for wrecking her supply—
What?
She was what?
Oh, God. Oh my God, I’m going to be sick! No, dear God, she couldn’t have! In the pies?
And she… she said I used cats. My goodness, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black. A guilty heart if I ever saw one.
Well! Evil deeds lead to an evil end, so the dear vicar told us just last Sunday. I would never wish any person dead, of course I wouldn’t, but I must say it sounds like they both received their just deserts.
I do appreciate you telling me, officer. Before you go, I don’t suppose you would know what’s going to happen to Mrs Lovett’s shop? Yes, well, it’s a little mercenary of me, I suppose, but with her gone, there’s a bit of a… a gap in the market, so to say, isn’t there? Maybe I should bake an extra batch of pies today, just in case her usual customers come to me instead. They used to come here, and I’m sure they’ll all remember how good my pies are, now she’s… well. Now her shop’s closed.
Sukey, love, you’re going to be late to school again. Did you check out back—Eight rats? Wonderful. Well done, dear. No, I gave Polly your penny already. Love you too, darling, but shoo now, off with you, you’ll be late!
Sorry, officer. You know how children are.
I do hope this awful business won’t put people off pies. I can’t imagine it will. Everybody loves a pie, don’t they?
You can put just about anything in one, after all.