Chapter Text
They say that the mind may forget, but the heart will always remember. Our minds store facts and logic but it relies on the heart to hold onto experiences and our feelings. They settle somewhere much deeper. It is etched in our bones. Into the crevices of our skin where the feelings linger long after the memories fade.
There were no clouds hiding the clear blue sky but grey was all you could see from outside your window. Everything was a grey blur as you lay on the hospital bed, an emotionless soul trapped in a body that felt everything. It had been two weeks since you ended up at the hospital. By now, you were expected to be discharged and continue your medication and physical therapy at home.
“You’re doing it again.” An all too familiar voice said, causing you to break your gaze and turn your head toward them. You tilted your head wondering when they even got here. Physically, you were here. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, you have been wandering. Never quite stable.
“You haven’t said a word since this morning. You keep staring outside and I can’t tell what you’re thinking.” The person in front of you sighed, scooching their chair closer to the side of your bed. “I’m not even worried anymore. You’re just starting to creep me out.”
You could only shrug. That’s how things have been lately. People would come by, visit you, take care of you, but it seemed you never had the energy to mutter a thank you nor acknowledge their warm presence. But there really wasn’t anything warm about your situation, was there? While you are privileged enough to be able to get up from the hospital bed covered in stitches and bandages, in a room somewhere, someone hasn’t done so much as open their eyes.
You stared at the person in front of you. His light brown ash hair was in its usual neat mullet. You couldn’t remember how frequently he has stayed with you but you could tell he hasn’t been getting much sleep. His typical sharp gaze has lost its intensity. All there was left was exhaustion, melancholy, but also gentleness. Before you could utter a word, a woman dressed in a white uniform entered the room.
“Well, you’re all good to go now. We’ve let your parents handle all things related to your medication and therapy.” She said with a warm smile. You couldn’t help but stare. Here she was with a smile plastered on her face while all you wanted to do was have the energy to trash this hospital room. Soon enough she left the room after making sure you were all set and ready to go.
“Up you go.”
“I can stand on my own just fine, Jean.” You said harshly, swatting his helping hand away. He cautiously took a step back but still ensured he was less than an arm’s length away from you. You lifted yourself up using the bed’s top rail. It was a struggle. You could feel a sharp pain on your sides and your legs were almost too numb to even take a step forward. Still, you mustered all the energy you could and moved. Jean followed your slow steps, keeping a steady gaze on you. You were only able to take a couple of steps before you stumbled on your own feet. Before you could fall to the ground, a pair of firm hands wrapped around you.
“Got you.” He muttered, keeping his hands right where they are to steady you. “Just let me help you get to the car.”
You avoided his eyes and mumbled, “Fine. But only because you insist on being annoying.”
A small smile tugged at his lips. This was the most energy you have had in a long while. Ever since you woke up you haven’t really been the same. No one could blame you though. Not your family and not your friends either. They were just thankful you were still here.
With his help you managed to step outside of the hospital and reach a familiar car parked near the entrance. You clutched the arm holding you, taking a moment to look around you. The sky was still as grey as the depths of your emotions. Every movement was still dragging on slowly. A deafening noise rang in your ear. You looked back at the car. Nothing but blinding light appeared before you. Your feet stopped and you could no longer move.
“I…” You wanted to move. You should move but a lump in your throat has formed.
“I can’t do it.” You whispered in horror, closing your eyes to tune out everything.
“Hey, hey.” Jean was quick to move in front of you, keeping an arm still on you while the other reached behind you. His hand slowly caressed the back of your head as his face maintained a distance from yours. “You’re okay. Just.. just take a deep breath.”
And so you did, but it didn’t quite help. If anything you just felt like you kept gulping air you didn’t need yet you needed more of it. Each breath you took made you feel fuzzy but each one felt like it was never enough to sustain you.
“Look at me.”
You knew that voice. You could lose all your senses but by god, you would know this.
“You know what you have to do, right?” The voice urged gently. “Don’t fight it. Just follow my voice.”
A familiar tune sounded.
La la la la. La la la.
Jean grabbed both your shoulders in bewilderment as you continued to sing with your eyes still closed. After a few more seconds, you’ve started to calm down. Your breathing evened and your body felt much better, no longer restricted.
You opened your eyes and for a moment you were met with familiar gentle teal eyes. You blinked in surprise. Just as quickly as you imagined it, it was gone. You were staring intently at Jean.
“You’re okay. You’re fine.” He said softly, staring back at you. You have known Jean for so long but no matter how many years passed by, you were still never any good at reading him. He looked relieved but there was also something else in his eyes.
You nodded. “I’m okay. I’m fine.”
Shortly after, you sat on the passenger seat trying to calm your nerves as Jean drove your car. The car ride to your parents’ home was spent in silence. You had your eyes closed the entire time, oblivious to how Jean glanced at you every now and then just to make sure you were really doing fine. He knew you didn’t want to talk, much less had the energy to so he did the only thing he thought would help you.
You turned to him with a blank expression as music blasted from the speakers. If it had been any other time you would have appreciated the gesture. Music always did lift up your spirits. But this time, all you wanted to do was bask in the silence of everything. You didn’t say anything, simply looked out of the window once again. A few minutes passed and you were finally home.
“Didn’t they go home ahead of us?” You asked peering over at the huge windows inside your parents’ home. All the lights inside were turned off and no sign of your parents could be seen anywhere.
“Uh…” Jean looked around as he helped you walk to the front door. “I’m pretty sure they did.” He looked like he wanted to say more but was unsure how to go about it.
“What is it?”
He scratched the back of his neck with his free hand. “I’m not sure. Just know that whatever it is, I told them not to do it.”
You raised an eyebrow at him but before you could question him further, the front door flew open.
“Welcome home!”
The scene in front of you was straight out of a horror movie. The lights were suddenly sickeningly bright, it almost brought you back to the hospital. Balloons were everywhere in all your favorite colors. Party poppers erupted from either side of you. In the middle of the huddled people were your parents holding out flowers and cake. Everything screamed joy and anticipation. You hated it.
Your father stepped forward and handed you the flowers which you hesitantly grabbed from him. Your mother transferred the cake onto one hand and used her other arm to wrap you in a side embrace since Jean was still holding onto you.
When she pulled away you saw the sad smile on her face and her glistening eyes. “We missed you so much.” Before you could respond, a loud voice interrupted.
“Y/N!”
Your attention shifted to a girl with reddish-brown hair tied up in a ponytail. She threw her arms around you as soon as she got close enough, knocking back Jean and your mom. Fortunately, she has a strong grip so despite Jean’s arm slipping away from you, her arms made up for it.
“It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.” She sobbed, her chin resting on your shoulder. That wasn’t true. The girl had visited you a lot as well, just not as much as Jean did.
You should have returned her embrace. You should have felt warmth, a glow within yourself with her presence and with any of your loved ones’ presence really. They prepared so much for your return, you should have shown your appreciation. But all you could muster was a nod.
“Quit hogging her, Sasha!”
A new set of arms wrapped around you. You could barely breathe again.
“Connie, you’re going to overwhelm her,” A voice warned as a familiar mop of blonde hair appeared.
Connie moved a bit, shifting himself to your side to give you some space but he remained clung to you. It was like everyone was afraid that any moment you would just willingly fall to the floor.
You took a moment to look around the room that seemed to suffocate you rather than ground you. All of the faces that stared at you were all familiar. You really should have felt something. Anything. But a bottomless pit was all there was inside you. There was no space for anything else.
More people surrounded you as you felt the pit grow bigger. Soon enough it would swallow you whole.
“Please excuse me,” You muttered quietly, making your way to the kitchen.
It was two weeks of this at the hospital. Everyone was in your space. They got too close and if you even had any energy you would have immediately turned them away. But you could barely bring a glass of water to your lips without the risk of dropping it. You stared at your shaky hand. Surely you would heal soon enough.
“Here,” A glass of water was held up in front of you, the blonde appearing again.
Your eyes followed him as he sat quietly beside you on the bar stool. There was a shared comfort in the presence of this silence. Unlike with other people, this one echoed no pressure for speaking or movement. Just quiet understanding.
You took a sip of water before letting out a shaky breath. Your fingers absentmindedly tapped against the glass after setting it down on the kitchen island.
“I got you something.” He said, breaking the silence. He reached into his pocket then gestured for you to open your hand. He placed the item on your palm. Your eyes widened slightly when you saw what it was.
“You always kept bugging me about it so I figured now would be the best time to let you have it.”
“Why because I almost died so now you feel guilty for not giving it to me before?”
“Armin,” You began, flicking his forehead when he stayed frozen in place after what you said. “I was kidding. Lighten up.”
“Oh.” Heat flushed his face out of embarrassment as he slightly turned away from you.
You stared at the piece of guitar pick he handed you. You have been relentless about him just giving it to you despite having no knowledge about playing the instrument. You just always liked it. It reminded you of him with its intricate blue details and a crystal in the middle. It wasn’t a practical thing to use so you always thought he could just hand it to you anyway.
You flicked his forehead again and he looked at you with a confused expression. You shrugged in response but the two of you knew what it meant. You were thankful for him.
A few hours passed and dinnertime came. Your family and friends sat at the dinner table, engaged in different conversations. Meanwhile you were picking at your food seemingly distracted.
Sasha must have noticed how you barely ate anything so a moment later her hand that was holding a spoonful of food neared your mouth. “Y/N come on, here comes the airplane!”
This caused everyone to laugh at her antics. You knew she wouldn’t stop until you gave in so you begrudgingly ate. As she kept feeding you, much to your dismay, the conversations went on. You didn’t really speak and just let their words float around you until Connie spoke to you directly.
“You seriously have no idea how much we missed you, Y/N.” He said, giving you a look that made you worried he might jump over the table to wrap you in an embrace again. “Historia and Ymir almost gave everyone allergies with the amount of flowers they gave you. Reiner and Bertolt brought everyone so much food it was like a free buffet at a hospital room. Armin wouldn’t shut up about you and Mikasa practically lived in your home to look after it. Sasha cried almost everyday, Jean too. I, on the other hand, was the glue that held everyone together.”
Just when everyone thought he was done with his yammering, he added, “You know, the studio really hasn’t been the same without–”
Jean nudged him in the ribs before he could say more causing him to yelp in surprise. “Shut up, Connie. Everyone knows you were the worst one. You practically left snot on everyone’s shirt.”
You shook your head, almost in amusement but didn’t say anything in response. You stared at the people around you. These were the people you have kept in your life for as long as you remember. They were so close to your heart yet you couldn’t bring yourself to speak another word. It was like you were breathing with only one lung. Every word demanded more air than you had left to give.
***
Two more weeks have passed since your parents threw the unnecessary surprise party for you. You no longer needed constant care from anyone anymore, especially since you could function much better now. For the past weeks you have been insisting on going back to the hospital but they refused to let you. As much as you wanted to go off on your own, you knew better than to go against your parents. They have been putting up with you for so long and you know they could only take so much of your attitude before they snap. It didn’t matter what you went through. They had their boundaries as well as you do.
But you were better now. You can finally go back. Not that you were all that excited to go back to the dull and lifeless building. You just had to.
Although your parents were still a bit hesitant, they knew that you needed this. The car ride was as silent as how you’ve always been lately. This was new to them as much as everything else seemed so new to you. Car rides spent with you bothering them with random topics and questions were the norm. Your loud but soft voice would always fill the car. You could be ten minutes away from your destination but the car would still be blasting with music and you made sure to always sing along. You never let a moment of silence pass by.
“Sweetie, we’re here.” Your mom looked behind her seat to offer you a warm smile. “We asked Jean if he could come pick you up. He’ll probably call you in a while.”
“We would accompany you inside but your mother insists that we fix up your house for you. You know, before you settle back in. Take care of yourself, all right?” Your dad said with a soft look on his face. You nodded meekly.
Not long after they left, you trudged your way up to a hospital room. You don’t know how long you stared at the door before you finally mustered up the courage to grab the knob. With a shaky hand, you twisted it and stepped inside.
It didn’t take a second for your head to spin and your breath to momentarily stop. There he was lying on the bed, devoid of consciousness . His undercut has grown out a bit longer from the last time you’ve seen him. He didn’t have as many stitches and bandages as you did but his head received the worst of the impact. He hasn't even woken up in a month.
You took slow steps towards the side of his bed as you kept your arms at your side. You approached him as if every step you took would shake the ground and you would somehow cause him more harm or maybe even disturb his peaceful sleep. It’s laughable, really. In movies he forced you to watch, a person who saw their unconscious loved one on a hospital bed would take hurried steps and would wail and throw their hands over them. They would grasp their hand in theirs in an attempt to keep them close and feel their warmth. They would whisper everything they wanted to say like it was a sacred prayer, hoping they would hear it in their sleep. But like always, all you could do was stare. You wanted to talk. You wanted to reach him wherever he was. But that’s all you’ve been doing lately, haven’t you? You keep wanting to but you could never bring yourself to.
“I’m sorry,” was all you could say. It was almost pathetic how you couldn’t say more besides, “I love you.”
For a whole month, you were an empty vessel of nothing. And this was proof of it. There was an absence of emotion. An absence of color. An absence of conversation. An absence of him. The silence has been so loud.
That is why when you reached out, grabbed his hand, and took a look at him you were frozen in place. His eyes slowly opened. He blinked a few times, probably adjusting to the light after having been trapped in darkness for long.
There was silence until his eyes landed on you. For the first time in a while, you were the first to speak.
“Eren?”
You have been waiting to hear him for so long. Nevermind the wants you had before. This was all you really wanted and cared about. So when his voice appeared, a spark of joy elicited within you. What you didn’t expect was how your heart would drop to the floor from his voice.
“Mikasa?”