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You stare at the shut door before you for longer than you’d like to admit.
It’s dumb. She’s not coming back out. You know that. You did what she asked, and she’s home now, and you can walk yourself back just fine anyways. So there’s no point in wasting your time.
You still root your feet either way.
…
After a minute, you finally turn to leave.
There’s nothing for you here anyways. Not anymore.
Your phone is a heavy weight in your pocket. Realistically, you know what you have to do. You have to call Carol and warn her, have to adjust the plan, find some way to stop Susie, follow orders like the good little puppet you are, and it’s fine, whatever, you have to and you can handle it like you’ve handled everything else, but you don’t. Not yet.
You walk past the lockers. You don’t look at the locker Susie slammed you against just a few days ago, don’t think about how Susie today refused to do it again.
Maybe it’s dread. You fucked up the most basic step, anyways. You literally had the code in your hands, could've ripped it quick, saved you all the headache, but you hesitated. Barely even made a tear. Susie knows, and now you’ve fucked both of you over, and you’ll call Carol to let her know and listen to her clipped response, disappointment dripping from every word. But that’s fine, it’ll be handled, and she should get used to being let down by you. Everyone else had.
You go outside, taking in a breath of the cold air. Past the library now. You don’t look at the lights still strung up on it, the ones that lit up your path as you and Susie walked here.
Or exhaustion could be it, too. Long day. This Dark World in particular exhausted you far more, with all the focus on love and what-not. Blue and Yellow, whatever the hell Flowery and your dad had going on, Pink. (Briefly, you think back to what you heard yesterday about how Dark Worlds are shaped after the creators will. You quickly stop thinking about it.) Hearing your father talk about parading your corpse around the town square was a bit of a downer as well. (At least he's out of your hands now, you think, wry, and then flinch once the thought fully settles.)
You make a turn to further up the road. You don’t look at the diner. You don’t think about yesterday. You don’t feel the lump that forms in your throat. You keep walking.
Guilt? You don’t really want to even look at your phone. You saw the missed calls from your mom. You know she’s done nothing but worry herself sick since you went missing. When you get home, she’ll be upset, and she’ll ask you where you were, and you’ll say you were with Susie, because you were, and it’ll be fine, you won’t choke on the words, and she’ll be relieved at least you were with a friend.
You head further now until you’re almost back to where you started walking her home. You don’t look to the right. You don’t think about what Susie said. You don’t think about it. You don’t think about it. You don’t–
You look right.
…
The lake is further down the road. Something in your chest wrenches at the sight. Still, your legs keep moving. The SOUL tugs you forward, but you force your hand upwards and rip into your chest.
(It hurts the same every time. You still never get used to it.)
You tear your SOUL out and quickly stumble down the road towards the lake. It squirms in your hand desperately, like a fish on a hook, but it’s not enough to stop you from making it to the trash can and tossing it in again. With the lid secured tight, you stand for there for a few seconds to make sure it won’t get be able to get out (you certainly learned from yesterday at the Holidays, to say the least), and to listen with a bit of schadenfreude as it clatters against the walls. Then, you keep walking.
Your footsteps crunch softly against gravel. Distantly, you hear a bird call. But other than that, it’s silent. No one’s here. Not in the water, not by your side.
…
You sit by the shore. (Without meaning to, you leave space for Susie to your left.) And here, even though you really don’t want to, you think about what Susie said.
What a joke. You laugh, and you laugh, burying your face in your hands as you still laugh, until finally your throat closes up and you go silent.
She hadn’t even wanted to go to the lake again. The SOUL had tried, and Susie-
”We… I mean, the two of us don’t need to go there, right?”
But that was another Kris and Susie thing, sitting by the shore, skipping rocks, watching the water ebb in and out. The lake was yours, has been, up until you peeled your face off the picnic table today and caught a glimpse of Susie in the water, carrying Noelle in her arms by the sunset. Like something out of a romance novel. They were happy. They were so happy, and you didn't say a word, just put your face straight down again, desperately wishing to stop looking. To stop hearing them laugh. To stop thinking about it.
And then in the Dark World by the sauna. Susie kicking her legs idly in the water, talking so freely, and she was so happy and then she-
“Kris, did you ever… like anybody?”
The SOUL made you croak out a yes. It didn’t matter. Didn’t matter she seemed surprised, didn’t matter that she asked monster or human and you had to fight not to laugh because what the hell else could you do. You knew it was never going to go anywhere. You always knew.
But on the walk back home, somewhere along the way you forgot. It was stupid. You knew what you saw at the lake earlier. You knew what had to happen. But when Susie started speaking, voice all soft as she said you guys made a good team, how she has been thinking about that, about “us”, you let yourself believe. Believe that maybe she had realized, that maybe she felt the same all along. That comfort you couldn’t find anywhere else, that light at the end of the tunnel, the only person you could ever call home.
And then she said it.
“Kris, this can’t just be a me and you thing. It has to be… Noelle’s thing, too..”
Your throat closes up even more.
It’s funny. You don’t know why you ever fooled yourself into thinking it could end any other way.
…
The phone still sits in your pocket. You set it to the side.
The real reason you haven’t called Carol is because you just don’t want to say it out loud. You don’t want to think about it more than you already are. You don’t want to say it and accept that it’s true, accept that the one thing left you had of Susie is gone, too.
So you let yourself pretend for a bit longer.
You shove yourself upwards and take off your sweater, shoes, and socks. You feel a bit stupid with your arms bare for once, dressed in nothing but your undershirt and pants, but it’s not like anyone else is here to see.
And with that, you step into the water.
It’s cooler than expected. You trudge in, feeling the water lap against your skin, and keep walking til it’s up to your knees. Your eyes fall shut. It’s still so quiet. You can hear the water now, shifting with your intrusion, and your own shaky breaths, but that’s it.
With nothing left to do, you think about Susie.
Susie's arms (your arms) wrap around you. You picture her carrying you upwards, the moonlight glowing against her scales. She’d call you an idiot for just walking in here alone, then say something stupid, ask you if you even know how to swim. You’ll tell her of course you do, and it’d only be half a lie.
Susie’s arms (your arms) tighten a bit around you. She’d scoff and say she doesn’t believe you, and you’re better off staying out of the water anyways. You’ll tell her you think the water’s nice, actually, and maybe she has bad taste. But you’ll lean in to her touch anyways.
You’ll reach up to put your hand on her face (your face). She’d immediately startle, pull away a little, ask you what you’re doing. Her cheek would start to warm under your palm. You’ll say nothing. Just smile.
After a moment, you’ll lean in close, and finally tell her what’s on your mind.
“I love you.”
You’ll watch her startle, eyes wide. She wouldn't move at first, and you’ll listen to hear her heart race. She’d set you down. Look you in the eyes. Ask you if you’re serious. And she’d realize. She’d know. Then, she’d quietly pull you back in. Her hand (your hand) would rest against your cheek. Nervously, she’d tip your head up a bit, and before she can even ask if you’re sure, or if you really want to, or anything stupid, you'll close the distance and kiss her.
(Your fingers shake as they slowly drag against your lips. They feel like ice.)
Then she’d pull away, and she’d say it.
“I love you,” you croak out.
The lake is silent. The water is cold. Your hands shake.
...
Swallowing, you try again. “I love you.”
Again.
“I love you.”
Again.
”I love you.”
…
…
…
You open your eyes.
You’re alone. You always were.
(She’d never say something stupid like that, anyways.)
…
You head further into the water. It’s not a rational decision, but you’re not a rational person. Once it’s a little deeper, you take a deep breath and starfish, laying onto your back. It’s cold. This is a terrible decision. You’re barely floating, and you’re shivering, and it’s not like this is gonna change anything or make you feel any better about it all. But on your back, you can see the stars. A whole galaxy laid out above you.
You used to watch the stars sometimes with Noelle and Dess and Asriel, especially around the end of fall. There’d always be a meteor shower around then, and even though you’d seen it a bunch of times, it never really got old to you. Asriel had checked out a book at some point about constellations. He had let the rest of you guys go wild with it, trying to point out all the constellations in the sky that night and pick favorites. After only a brief deliberation, you had picked a favorite. Draco. The dragon.
Blearily, staring up at the stars now, you pick it out. Nestled between Little Dipper and Big Dipper, a long, winding thing.
Susie would like it, you think, closing your eyes. She’d find it as cool as you did. Maybe Noelle would show it to her sometime.
…
(You drift further along.)
…
(You wonder whether Susie’s still in your bed in Castle Town, or if she’s back in her own. Whether your room's still beside hers, or if she's made space for Noelle already.)
…
(Your center of balance shifts a little. The water wraps in around you.)
…
(You wonder if she’ll still even care about you when this is over. When she finally figures it out. You wonder if there's a world where she won't leave. You know in your heart there isn't. There can't be.)
…
You get too unbalanced. The water pulls you in. You get a mouthful of lake water, cough it up, but you can’t stop choking and your weak thrashing isn’t doing much to help you, and fuck, you think, a bit delirious, is this seriously how you’re gonna go out, and you try to doggy-paddle but its not working and a bit too easily you stop resisting, you start to shut your eyes again and—
Something small slams into your chest before you can do much else. You convulse, eyes going wide, until suddenly your limbs seize up. After a moment, they start paddling with far more finesse than before, moving you back towards the shore. Your body feels less cold.
…
You question how the hell the SOUL got out this time. And whether it had been watching all that.
Once you’ve made it to the shore, it puts your clothes back on you, puts your phone in your pocket, slips on your shoes, and drags you away from the lake. You try to push back, drag your feet a bit, but it’s a pretty pathetic attempt.
On the road again, you see the trash can tipped over and the lid, dented and just barely cracked open. You eye it for a second, but your legs move quickly past it before you can do much else.
…
And you go home.
…
Your mom’s awake. She’s worried. Words leave your mouth. An explanation. Some excuses. Something like that. You don’t really process any of it. There’s a buzzing in your head that hasn’t stopped ever since you stepped in the lake.
Back in your room, your hands strip your wet clothes off for you and switch into dry clothes. You get ready to sleep. Carol can wait. Fuck that. Still, even once you’re settled, and you rip the SOUL out of you and shakily toss it in the birdcage again, and you lay down to rest, you can’t stop thinking about it. About her. There's a chill in you that lingers, cold seeping down to the bone.
…
You say it one last time.
“I love you.”
…
…
…
You roll over, squeezing your wet eyes shut, and go to sleep. You dream of nothing.
