Chapter Text
A 5 am flight was bad enough, but having to go directly from stage, after a three day long concert, back to his apartment to get all his luggage and then straight to the airport, without even five minutes of proper rest, was without a doubt pushing Est to his limit, again.
Dosing off on stage was not even a surprise to anyone at this point, with the schedules he had been given for the past few weeks. It seemed never ending. Rushing from film set, to brand deals, to the stage and then to fan meetings, before he would finally get some rest, was a draining routine. And yet, he loved it anyways.
Letting out a deep sigh of exhaustion, Est leaned back in his seat in the van. Finally, he was able to close his eyes for a little.
William looked over at him. His eyes filled with love and pride over his faen’s hard work. He deserved some much needed rest now.
Outside the window, Bangkok was passing by slowly. Est would be gone for almost a week before returning home to William again. It was work. An occupational hazard. One William hated with a passion. He knew Est liked to travel. So did he obviously, but he much preferred it when they traveled together.
Being apart, ment he was physically out of his reach. Something that was slowly becoming the root of his anxiety. But he refused to be that person. The boyfriend who always had to be all up in his partner’s business - be it private or work related. His Phi was a busy man, and William would not let his separation anxiety be the reason, Est could not do his job.
So he stayed silent. Well, sort of. He would of course be dramatic about Est leaving him in Thailand all alone, and whine about it to anyone who had not yet told him to shut up about it, but that was who he was and it was basically expected. In fact, the one time William had been sulking and didn’t say anything, Est called him multiple times and ended up leaving a work function early to find him. William had made sure, that did not happen again.
Arrival to the airport came quickly, and the goodbyes even quicker. Before they knew it, Est was in the air and William back in the van on the road to the company.
LYKN had been picked up on the way as well and were now happily chatting about everything that had happened last night.
Lego was painting Nut a very graphic picture about an almost kiss he had ALMOST shared with one of their friends, while Hong was not so subtly glancing over at Tui every few seconds, a smug look quickly appearing on his face when Tui finally to showed a fracture in his nonchalant facade.
William smirked. These were his brothers, and without even trying, they were able to take his mind off of his worries.
Everything was normal.
Then it happened. P’Ko, their manager, got a call, and his entire demeanor changed. Normally, William would not have cared, but but for some reason this felt different than usual. P’Ko suddenly sat up straight and passed on a message to the driver. William couldn’t hear what went on, but Nut and Tui seemed to have noticed something was wrong as well.
A chill went down his spine. Something was very wrong. He could feel it, and without logic, his thoughts went to Est immediately. He pulled out his phone, not knowing what to do with it, since he could not call Est yet.
They arrived at the company building, and his blood drained. A large crowd of security and journalists was blocking everything in front of the company entrance. Nut spoke up now. His serious expression did nothing to calm William’s nerves; “What is going on here, Phi?” His voice sounded strange, like he knew this was not caused by a random scandal. But their manager did not give them an answer. Instead, when the car finally stopped, he was the first one out to gather security around the band members.
Fans had started arriving now as well. Everything was happening so fast. All was a blur. Screaming and crying, that should have felt familiar in a way, but did not. Then, in a flash, a fan caught his shirt. He turned to look, ready to give her a polite smile and wave, but then he saw her face.
Tears flowing down her terror stricken face. “Do you not know?” She choked out, grief edged so deeply onto her face, it seemed like it would stay there permanently and yet, a second later, her eyes narrowed in disgust or maybe disbelief; “Or do you just not care? Was it ever actually real?” Stunned and confused, he took a step back, “What?” He stumbled then, looking around for help, or an explanation - Everyone turned quiet then.
All eyes turned to him. Anger, despair and grief painted their faces. Everyone was looking at him - fans, staff even his members - watching him through their tears, and then;
“You never really loved him, did you? He is gone now; it’s your fault he’s gone, and you don’t even care” no, what is happening?
“He left us, because you couldn’t protect him” that’s not true!
“We were right all along - You two should have never become partners!” NO, STOP IT.
Gasping, he shot up in his seat in the car. A nightmare. Again. It had been seven months since the attempt on Est life had been made. Someone had broken into his apartment and tried to strangle him to death. It had nearly succeeded, had William not been on the phone with him and called the police. The ambulance took Est to the hospital where he stayed for two whole days. The trauma from the experience caused Est to have several panic attack daily. He was losing himself. And William had never felt more scared or useless in his life.
Est had refused to let William see him at first, only allowing him in after he had been reassured that William would not be disgusted with how Est looked. William had thought it ridiculous - he could never be disgusted with Est. Never. And when he walked into the private room, it was a wave of emotions he did not know how to handle.
It was anger and protectiveness, that was storming through him as he fought to not rush forward and accidentally scare Est.
It was a sight that would stay with William forever. The soft tissue in Est’s throat had swollen up severely, causing him to have issues breathing, and the marks, left by the hands of the assailant, were an angry red turning blue and purple. There was bruising all over his neck and collarbone and even some on his face. His eyes were still a little bloodshot and swelled, but he had been told it was looking better already.
William did not know what showed on his face, but tears gathered in Est’s eyes and he turned his face away from him. William’s heart tightened in his chest. He took a tentative step forward. “Est, my love” he whispered, “please don’t look away from me. You were almost gone, I-“ but the tears on his boyfriend’s face stopped him from uttering another word about it.
Est went to therapy, but he never spoke to William about any of it. Whenever he had tried to speak to Est regarding the attempt, he had been shot down immediately.
William could feel Est disappearing, and it terrified him. The anger and terror he felt from almost losing Est forever had never relented - it was growing, and while Est was still alive, William was somehow still losing him.
He had to do something.
The confrontation happened a few months later. It had not been planned. Feelings were boiling over. Trauma had not healed. They both reacted to the stress of it all.
Est was crying and throwing things. William was on his knees begging Est not to push him away or shut him out -“I can’t reach you, Est. Please! Why are you shutting me out?!”, he had repeated again and again.
It was over between them, but not quickly. They stayed, yelling and crying, in Williams apartment for nearly two days. Nobody was able to reach them, and finally, the police were called. William had no idea who called them, but the next thing he knew, both him and Est were dragged to the station to calm down. Everything after that was a daze.
And then Est left him.
The aftermath of the entire thing was devastating. GMM was doing everything to make sure as little as possible reached the public, but when Est quit as an actor working under them, a statement had to be made. It was not well received.
The statement had been vague, talking about different career paths and mutual respect and agreement, but some fan had heard from a neighbor that they had been fighting for two days, and then one clip after the other leaked - a video of them being escorted out of the building, a video taken by someone at the station and then a video taken from across the street where you could see Est leaving without William.
The videos were of poor quality and it was difficult to see much of anything, but sometimes you could still make out the tears streaming down Est face and see William’s body shaking from exhaustion.
Fans were furious, everyone was suddenly turning against each other and choosing sides in a matter they new nothing about.
Est’s fans were tearing through the haters, and some of William’s toxic fans were becoming even more cruel towards them and their relationship. Well, ex relationship?
William was completely gone from the public through all this. His company advised him to lay low for a bit. So he stayed in his apartment, and refused to see anyone unless they had updates on Est. Finally, five months after the attempt, Est left the country.
And then the nightmares started.
It had started small. Dreams of everything that had happened. Est crying and throwing things. The police showing up. Est leaving. The public’s outrage.
Now, the dreams were worse. So much worse.
“You need to get professional help, Nong” Nut, who had been the first to get through to him after Est left, had also decided an intervention was necessary. As if, losing the love of his life, was simply something that he had to move past and get over.
He glared up at Nut - the only response he would deign him.
“You are losing yourself in this”, Tui tried gently, “P’Est will not be returning to you like this, William, and you have a life outside that needs you back” William almost flinched, because that was the thing, right? William had thought that if Est could somehow see how miserable he was now without him, maybe he would come back. Maybe he would pity him enough to at least call him back, or maybe just send him a message to let him know he was still alive and well. But Est had cut everyone off. Only Daou had managed to track him down, but for some fucking reason, he was refusing to tell William anything at all.
Being left in the dark after what had happened, was starting to really get to him. Nobody either could or would tell him anything, so maybe it was time he took matters into his own hands. He was going to find Est, and while he was at it, he would figure what the hell was going on that nobody was trusting him to know.
William didn’t find Est as much as Est just showed up again in the news, just a few days after the intervention. Est’s brand, MIDDLE RIDDLE, was setting up to move to Europe, more specifically - Rome.
He was moving his business so far away from Thailand it felt like a slap in the face to William. Was he so angry with him? Could he not even stand to be on the same continent as William? No. That’s not it. Does Est hate him now? He doesn’t! P’Est loves him. He left him. He needed space. From William. No! Then why? Why did he leave?
The answer to that came two weeks later, when the private investigator he had hired a week prior knocked on the door to his apartment.
William knew Est was getting hate for being his partner - they had both been receiving a lot of hate in truth - but he had never known just how much, and he had certainly never known about all the death threats.
There were a number of forums, with a concerning amount of members, dedicated to spreading hate, lies and false rumors about Est, even going as far as teaching others how to send Est death threats. The worst ones were even making detailed descriptions on how they would kill him themselves.
And William, he had never known. Est had never told him. And if these documents were real - which he did not doubt - then the company was also aware of all this, and had been too cowardly to take action, causing some psychopath to actually dare attempt to kill him. He had of course been caught and was going to face years in jail, but there were more out there. More people with miserable lives, who were so jealous of Est, that they were now using their hatred as an excuse to go after him.
William had to stop it. Even if Est had left him, he would not let the danger follow him wherever he was going.
Est could leave his sight, but not his reach, not his protection. William was awake now - everyone around him had tried to keep him in this sleep where he knew nothing except what they let him know, but now, he would just let them think that was how it still was.
He had been angry at his members for not telling him about any of it, but it seemed like they also were not aware of the full extent of all this. He would confront them, but not yet. Now, he had to gain some real influence and power - not just that of an idol - and he knew just where to start.
In the entertainment industry, there are many hidden secrets and truths that the public don’t know about nor understand. Whenever scandals happen - more often than not - it has been orchestrated. It’s a PR stunt some use like they need it to breath, this is why you see stories and scandals be talked about for weeks or even months, some even returning to resurface every year.
Sneaky part is when they use a small ridiculous scandal to distract from something actually bad.
But the truths go deeper than just manipulating the public opinion. It’s when they manipulate the narrative it gets really interesting, and when you have the reach and power, it’s really just a question of what story you want to tell.
William did not have the reach or power yet, but he was going to find someone who had. The obvious answer would be GMM, but it would also be the wrong answer. They had not done anything before to stop the threats on Est’s life, and they were certainly not going to start now that he had left. He needed someone who was in control behind the scenes. Someone with a lot of money and a lot of power. Someone who wanted something from William.
That someone was his uncle.
Which is why, William was currently in the back of his car on a 2 hour drive to his family’s estate.
15 year old William
William was walking towards the office with haste. He was almost an hour late because of practice, and it was starting to become a bit of a habit that his family had already scolded him for countless times.
Reaching the door to the office, one of the guards opened before he could knock.
“William! Finally, my boy” his uncle exclaimed, the genuine joy on his face made William crack a boyish grin as he welcomed his uncle’s big bear hug. “Uncle, how have you been? I apologize for being late - I couldn’t leave the studio on time” William looked up at his uncle as he took a step back. He knew his uncle was not a strong supporter of William’s dream, but he had also never actually stopped him from pursuing it. “Nonsense, boy. I completely understand” his uncle nodded to himself as he continued; “one has to be committed to the training in order to achieve great skills and success in life. I respect your commitment”. The praise surprised William, he felt his heart beat with pride, as he without realizing lifted his chin a little higher.
His uncle chuckled, noticing his nephew’s small tell. “But I asked you here for a reason, William” the tone changed slightly, as he nodded for William to sit down on the couch. He continued as they both sat down facing each other: “My son will be leaving to expand our business in China, and so, I want you to take on the role as the second heir”. William blinked. His uncle had just dropped a bomb on his life’s trajectory like it was just a matter of a quick schedule change, and he had no clue how to react. “I understand this is not what you wanted for yourself, but I need you to think about the family”. He was absolutely not going to do that.
“Why would you need a second heir?” William’s brows furrowed. “Our family has many enemies, Nephew. Many people follow us because of our name and business, but there are those who don’t much appreciate what we do, and those who wish to take what we have.” his uncle paused before continuing, “We have to protect our family at all costs, however, we must also always be prepared for the worst. Understand?” He gave William a serious look, but William was not looking at him. He was looking out the window, towards the city he had just come from.
“I’m not going to be your spare, Uncle. Especially not in your sketchy business, that only my cousin was trained to inherit” “William-“ “No. I don’t care what our family does to have this much power. I never have and never will. My cousin is the heir, it’s his destiny and not mine. I’ve already decided on my own future”.
It had been six years since then, since William had rejected his uncle, to leave his family’s business and pursue his dream of becoming an idol. And now he was back in that very same office. It had not changed much. It still had the brown leather couch to the left, flanked by two chairs of the same make around a glass table. All the way in the back of the office stood his uncle’s large wooden desk and massive chair - William had always thought it looked more like a throne than a simple chair. On the right side of the room stood the fancy display of all his uncle’s favorite wines.
His uncle had yet to return from a meeting, so William took his time to look around at all the paintings and family photographs again. The most recent one was about a year old now. Though he had not been present, he still remembered getting the invite. It had sat on his kitchen counter for about a week before he finally declined.
He continued letting his eyes wander until they found the oldest picture. This was the last picture he took together with his family. It was also the only one of him in here. He had been 14 at the time, almost turning 15. He was flashing a bright smile, as he stood next to his beloved cousin. The protege, who had successfully expanded the family business across two oceans and was now also getting married to the daughter of a long time business partner and personal friend of his uncle. William knew it was an arrangement, but he also knew his cousin loved this woman so how could he not support them?
The door finally opened as his uncle barged in looking like he couldn’t believe his own eyes. “Hello Uncle” William greeted as he flashed his signature smile. They had not seen each other once during these years, and contact had been at a minimum. Leaving had not been easy at all, but he didn’t remember much of it anymore, only a lot of fighting with everyone, before he finally packed his things and left.
His uncle didn’t waste any time and marched right up to William, to capture him in a tight hug. William had always known he was missed - that was obvious, but now finally in this embrace, he felt the emotions he had kept locked away, lodge themselves right in his throat. Typical, how was he supposed to get any words out if this ball of stupidly, complicated emotions was blocking the way?
After a minute his uncle finally sat him back down and took a step back. “Why are you here? Finally?” He hesitated as he looked down at his nephew, a slight glint of hope behind his eyes that were usually hard to read. William sighed and looked out the window, as if a little bit of his pride and stubbornness was still holding him back from completely giving in. “I need something from you, uncle, and I realize it is too much to ask for someone who has abandoned the family business…” he looked back up to see the man’s serious expression, “there is someone I need to protect, and I will do whatever it takes.” William straightened his back. For Est, he was willing to return to a life he had once wanted nothing to do with. If protecting Est ment getting his hands a little dirty, then so be it.
Across the world in Italy
“Mr. Supha, welcome! This way please” one of the waiters greeted Est at the entrance of the restaurant and led him to a corner where someone was already waiting for him. “Est, how are you?” Alessandro - a friend he had met the last time he visited Rome with William - stood up to warmly greet Est as he reached the table. “I’m doing alright, Ale, and you? How is everything with the new apartment?”
Alessandro let out an exhausted laugh and as they both sat down the conversation flowed with ease as it always did between the two, until finally the intended topic of their meeting came up.
“I understand your situation, Est but this is going to be a lot more difficult then it sounds.” Est nodded in agreement, but he had no choice. Moving had not been an impulsive decision. The trauma and the paranoia he was experiencing in Thailand was consuming his mind and body. He could feel himself slowly losing it and it finally ruined everything he had with William. He could not face Thailand because he could not face William, but most importantly, it was to protect William. The threats had never stopped, but after the attempt they had changed.
Before
People had tried to kill him, and it was because of his relationship with William. Some people didn’t want idols to have relationships, and toxic fans hated that William was dating Est, so they tried threatening Est to make him leave. He had tried to keep it all from reaching William, to fight it alone and not let it reach their sacred, peaceful space, but then the threats turned into an attempt and it broke him more than he wanted to admit.
He didn’t know how to talk to William, without telling him everything, since if he told him everything, he knew things would change between them. This continued even after the attack, so instead of talking it out and possibly helping each other heal, he had stayed quiet until it all boiled over. He knew it was his fault. He should have communicated. He should have trusted William, but then the threats changed. Before, they had mostly been hateful messages, telling him he did not deserve to be with William but now, it seemed someone different had joined. The first message read: “You should stay away from Jakrapatr. If you value what you had - run”. Of course he did not take it seriously at first. It was just another threat, and he decided to just keep P’Ko informed.
Then the next message showed up the day, and then the day after and the day after that. He knew he had to say something. He had started to keep taps on Williams whereabouts. Who he talked to. What staff interacted with him. He knew he was going crazy. Then another message arrived: “A persons identity is a funny thing isn’t it? Is it simply our names? Is it dna? Or is it maybe just our memories? - what will you do, Est?”.
What are they talking about?? Why are they being so cryptic?
Est’s mind was going in circles around all the messages and threats, trying desperately to pick them all apart. He was going insane. When is it all going to stop? Why can’t they just leave them alone??
Will it ever end?!
Yes, it will…if he leaves, those awful people will get what they want and William and Est can both be safe.
No. He should talk to William. They can figure it out together.
Est tried to calm his breathing down as William finally came through the front door to his apartment. They spent most nights there now as Est didn’t like to return to his own, yet was also too stubborn to move.
William sat down his bag and went over to kiss Est’s forehead.
Est opened his mouth to start the conversation, but nothing came out. He couldn’t do it. William didn’t notice and went to the kitchen to start on some dinner. Though only a few minutes later, William had finally had enough of the quiet, as he put down the vegetables he had been washing, and went to sit down in front of Est.
Est held his breath. This was it. William was done with him. He could not handle him anymore and wanted out. Est felt his panic rise in his chest, as he fiddled with the seam along his trousers. “P’Est…I know it is very difficult for you to talk about what happened, but please, I just want to help you”. Est felt the blood drain from his face. He had known this talk would happen. He thought he was prepared. He was ready to talk.
But suddenly his throat clamped tight. Evil eyes stared back at him and for a second he was back underneath the assailant; but then like he blinked at it was William’s warm, gentle eyes he looked into. Est said nothing. He was completely frozen.
William got visibly upset at Est’s lack of response. He was frustrated and hurt, and Est reacted to that. It was all suddenly too much. Why couldn’t he just tell William? What was wrong with him? William is angry now - he is going to leave him and never come back. That can’t happen. No, no!
Est started crying.
This is all his own doing. There is something wrong with him and that’s why no one wants him to stay with William.
“Please Est, talk dammit! I can see you’re struggling and I’m useless here if you don’t let me in!”
Est could not breathe. His lungs were broken and he felt phantom hands around his throat. His face was wet from tears and snot.
His head pounding. William was in front of him on his knees. He was crying too now. What is happening to them? They were good, and now?
“I can’t reach you, Est. Please! Why are you shutting me out?!” William kept asking, begging, but no matter how hard Est tried to give a response to tell William everything, nothing ever came out.
He was losing control and he shot up from his seat on the couch and pushed William away. He almost stumbled but William was there in seconds, catching him - then the anger hit. How dare he be so angry with Est over this? Why was he pushing so hard to know everything, why could he not just accept Est did not want to talk??
“I can take care of myself, William! I don’t need you to catch me and I don’t need your help! He finally snapped, “Do you really not think that maybe there was a reason I never told you anything?”. Angry tears streaming down his face. He balled up his shaking fists. William looked like Est had just slapped him.
“No- I just-“ he tried to get his words out but Est pushed him away and grabbed the closest thing, a small decorative pillow, and threw at William.
For a second, they both just stood there frozen and stunned, until Est decided one was not enough. He grabbed the next pillow and William instinctively ducked out of the way. Why the hell was he dodging his pillows?!
Anger, frustration and guilt was consuming them both. But even as their words turned sharp and cruel, they never crossed the line to physically hurt the other person. Their voices, which had always been soft spoken between the two, were now unrecognizable.
Eventually, Est finally fell asleep clutching William’s collar where they sat on the floor in the middle of the living room. They had finally stopped screaming and shouting - completely drained of energy, and just leaning against each other right there.
William carried Est to bed just a few minutes later. Exhausted, he pulled Est under his chin as he fought against sleep, like he knew this would be the last time he would hold Est like this in his arms.
The next morning the yelling continued. By evening the fight had escalated again. William was pulling his own hair and Est had taken to rip all his own clothes out of the closet, throwing it all on the floor. There was no coordination, no bags being packed, but everything that he owned needed to be pulled out.
When police arrived, Est knew he had to leave William, however, for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to take any of his things with him. He walked out the doors to the station they had been dragged to, and did not look back. He could not.
Now
“I have to make it work, Ale. I can’t go back”
Alessandro looked at his friend who had lost so much weight since he last saw him. Grief was edged into his features yet he still carried a polite smile for those around him. He nodded, “Alright then, my friend, I will help you”.