Work Text:
[ BGM: 13am ]
I stare up at the ceiling of this bedroom.
I don’t know what time it is. I can’t see Asriel’s clock from here.
Actually, I can’t really see much of anything. It must be pretty late into the night, because it’s far too dark for this time of year to be anything earlier than 8pm.
Did I really fall asleep at some point? I must have, given my surroundings. I’m surprised I even managed to in the first place. I was completely drained from yesterday, but thinking about—
…
…thinking about Susie.
…and Noelle…
I slide my hands up my face, onto my eyes and gripping onto my scalp.
They’re—
Fuck, this is stupid! Getting so worked up about a girl I haven’t even been hanging out with for a week. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. What the hell am I doing??
All of this for someone I’ve been lying to the entire time.
I toss myself over to the other side of my bed, snatching my pillow from above me to clutch in my arms.
Is she even sleeping soundly now? Or is she up too, too excited about Noelle coming to castle town to fall asleep?
Has she thought about me at all?
The pillow makes an unsatisfyingly muted thud as it smacks against the wall.
I seat myself up onto the edge of the bedframe. I need water. I need to wash my face. I need to do something.
—
The bathroom door makes a grading squeak. One that tears through my eardrums when the rest of the house is drowned in such a suffocating silence.
It’s irritating. It makes me want to rip the door off its hinges. But it’s fine. Mom has never been a light enough sleeper to wake up from any racket I’d make.
Without dwelling for a second longer, I crank the right valve on the sink to its maximum, watching the frigid water pool into my palms As I splash it onto my face.
I splash myself again.
I splash myself again.
It doesn’t do anything.
Not even the sleep from my eyes is washed away. I’m still miserable. I’m still lonely. I’m still here. I’m still me.
Why did I think any of this would do anything? Why would I think that the cure for patheticness would come from a simple splash of water?
I ask again,
Instinctively, I look up towards my reflection—
REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE REPULSIVE
My eyes dart over to the side, scanning the dimly coloured room for anything that isn’t that. That thing reflected in the silver, or the aluminum, or whatever the fuck that mirror is made of.
Who is that?
What is that?
The contours of that jaw. The pronunciation of those cheekbones. The size of that nose. The bags under those eyes. The length of that chin. The width of those shoulders. The mound on that throat. Those repulsive, repulsive, repulsive, repulsive features. What are those? What are they doing on that face? None of those should be there. It’s like one of those Mr. Potato Head dolls, with all the wrong parts, put in the wrong places, facing the wrong way, on the wrong face.
Is that supposed to be me?
Am I that face?
After everything I’ve done, does this body belong to me?
Am I still—?
I hold my hands in front of me.
I rapidly curl my fingers in sequence. I’m still in control, right? It wouldn’t think to do something like that, right?
It’s getting far too hard to tell nowadays when it is sleeping and I’m the only one moving this hunk of flesh. I want to believe that it hasn’t figured out what that is yet, but I can’t ever be sure. The only way to guarantee that it isn’t the one puppeting this body is by tearing it out myself, and I just— I can’t. I’m too tired. I want to rest. I want to sleep.
But every time I let my guard down, even if it’s just for an instant, in the next moment it’s tendrils will have spread across my nervous system, molesting each and every part of this shell and forcing me to watch my friends, my family, my town, my whole life through the lenses like it’s all just some shoddy home video.
And nobody cares. Nobody would ever come to give a single damn or even come close to understanding.
But at least now, I think it’s just me.
Though, if I’m really me right now—that face—it’s—-
M
I
N
E
—
I’m back up in my room.
I want to crawl away and rot. Let this cage of meat die, its fleshy strings decay and keep it from puppeteering them anymore.
But I— I really—
I really don’t want to be alone.
I can’t do it right now.
I can’t bear it.
And… there might’ve been one person who understands, even if only a little.
Going to castle town is just going to make me miserable. I don’t want to be around her right now, or any of that noise either.
As I’ve done every morning now, I reach underneath my pillow and grasp the knife I hid there. I take a moment to glare at the blade, but the brief glance I get at myself in shimmering metal halts that impulse.
Nearly letting my hands move on their own, I crawl under my cramped bed, pulling the sheets over the side to create a small closed space.
It’s suffocating, but nothing I’m not used to.
If I make one of these, even if it’s small, I’m sure he’ll meet me here.
I want to see him.
[ BGM: Glowing Snow ]
The first thing I notice is the chill.
It takes a few moments for my eyes to adjust to the light, or, lack thereof in this case, as I bring myself to my feet.
As my vision clears, it doesn’t take long for me to figure out what this Dark World has manifested as; a simple, single room, wooden cabin, barely illuminated by the blackness outside.
Looking out of the lone window to the side, the frigid atmosphere is explained by the view it provides of the frozen, barren outskirts of what I knew as the TV World. The Dark Fountain of this insignificant world neatly positioned directly next to the lodge. Compared to the others, and probably due to the miniscule size of this Dark World, the Fountain here is far more pitiful than it normally is, appearing more like a burst waterpipe than the monolith of darkness it typically is.
I haven’t seen a dark world manifest like this before, with so little to do, and so sparsely populated. Not that it’s a surprise, I cleaned out everything from under my bed. The only kind of Darkner that could live here would be a dustbunny or two.
I turn back towards the rest of the room, completely devoid of all furnishings you’d prefer to have in a place like this, save for a singular unlit fireplace. I won’t complain though. Maybe a cushion would be nice, but this is just for tonight. It doesn’t need to be fancy, and it’s not like who I’m expecting will complain either.
There isn’t anything else to do but wait. I sit down and prop my back against one of the corners, slumping back like a doll and letting my eyes unfocus as I glare at the dusty wooden floor.
He’ll be here soon enough, I’m sure.
Although I think that, it’s hard to find myself comfortable enough in this spot for me to be able to tolerate it for long. Even a plush cushion to sit on wouldn’t make attempting to rest in this armour plating any more comfortable. The way it constantly adjusts itself and clinks and clanks even from the slightest movement is getting on my nerves.
Is this how it always is? I never paid much attention to how much noise I made in the Dark World while moving around. Why am I a knight anyway? The class is technically unisex, but the image that usually comes to people’s mind, that of the traditional hero clad in steel and wielding a sword, is quite -masculine-.
[ BGM: No Music ]
That’s what I— no, it’s not ‘me’, it’s this body that has to fulfill that role, isn’t it? This body is meant to be the one of the heroes in that stupid prophecy. I’m not even needed, just this cage, the guise of a man. All prepared so that it can take control like some glorified ventriloquist.
That’s all I am; a cage. Not even a person. Just a mass of flesh sculpted into this—repulsive—form. This disgusting thing in the shape of a man, its features growing more rugged and disgusting and foreign by the day.
None of what I am is my own. I’m a prisoner inside of this rotting corpse. Every day it changes and morphs and folds in on itself into something less and less me and more into what it is. Every time I wake up I’ll recognize myself less and less and less, lose more and more control over my life, and someday, I won’t even be able to pilot this machine composed of parts vaguely resembling a person anymore. I’ll be resigned to watching the days go by as a spectator, letting someone who isn’t me go through the motions and grow into whatever abomination I’m becoming. It’s disgusting. It’s so disgusting I want to puke. I want to vomit all of what’s inside this prison onto the floor and grind it to mush with my heel. I want it all gone. I want to peel away at this tacky armour, and this sickly skin underneath. I want to wipe myself clean. I want to be me. I want control of my body again. All I can do now is delay the inevitable. All I can do is take the small chances I can to prove that I’m still here inside of this automaton of meat. All I can do is leave some kind of mark on myself, leave some kind of feeling. I want to feel alive. I want something about this fucking body to be the consequence of MY own action. I need that feeling more than anything. I can’t take it. I can’t take just sitting here. It’s only a matter of time before it takes control again. I need to do something. I need to feel again. I need to feel in control. I need any kind of catharsis. I need to peel it all away. I need to hurt. I need to make sure I’m still here. I need to fucking cut it all. I n e e d t o d o s o m e t h i n g c r a z y .
knock knock
A voice from outside of the cabin door.
…
Regaining my sense of the world, I brush my palm across my face.
My heart is racing and my breathing is unsteady. I was spiraling. Even when my body listens to me I’m not entirely in control. Even when it isn’t here, I—
I guess I should, shouldn’t I? Isn’t this why I’m here?
Still slightly trembling, I sluggishly force myself onto my feet and towards the door, unlatching the outdated bolt lock and reaching for the door handle.
You know, isn’t it a bit strange for someone who dresses so warm all the time to complain about the chill?
…is it really that obvious?
I avert my eyes to the side.
Stepping aside, I let Ralsei pass by me into the cramped wooden room. He gives me a small polite wave as thanks for letting him in, and makes his way towards the fireplace.
Right. I guess he can do that.
[ BGM: Fireplace ]
Fwoosh~!
With a light wave of his hand, the previously half-frozen logs that rest in the fireplace alight into a comfortable fire. The warmth brightens the room from the frigid blue it had before to a gentle orange.
Ralsei takes a moment to scan the room, or more specifically, the floor. Probably for anything close to comfortable to sit on. But he gives up a second later, and without much deliberation, unravels the scarf from his neck and lays it across the hard floor in front of the flame, seating himself on top of the far side like it was natural.
He turns his head back towards me, tapping the empty space he left next to him.
I nod my head and make my way over to his side, seating myself down on top of the other edge of the scarf he rolled out.
It’s honestly not much more comfortable than it would be just sitting on the floor by itself, but it’s at least a little more pleasant. Keeps the dirt off of my butt too, and the newfound heat from the fireplace was certainly welcomed.
Well, Ralsei was never the type to advocate for violence…
…except for that one time.
Hey, wait a second!
I’m talking out of my ass right now but admittedly it would be pretty funny.
Honestly, I just don’t want to be alone right now. Being left with just my thoughts and it just makes me spiral and spiral until I’ve completely lost myself.
Maybe it… wouldn’t be a bad idea to vent a little about it. He at least somewhat understands what’s happening. But that would mean I’d have to talk about—
N-No… I don’t want to. I can’t. Or— I don’t know. I hate this. I hate this. I HATE THIS.
…I guess I can say a little.
Ah—
My throat tightens.
H-How…??
The image of her shutting the closet door behind her replays in my mind over and over and over on repeat. Is she still setting up Noelle’s room??? Is she still thinking about her????
Sometimes I wish he wasn’t so perceptive.
It’s not wrong, and at least it’s easier to talk about.
It’s not anything close to an angel. Don’t treat it like it’s anything except for a curse.
Nobody else brought it up before. To them, every time it is in control, it’s like nothing has changed. If anything, people start acting weird when it’s not in control, like it’s more me than I even am.
…
I avert my eyes from him.
I really wonder if he knows how he sounds when he says things like that. But I— it does, admittedly, feel nice to be recognized as myself.
…and for someone to really care about me.
[ BGM: No Music ]
What?
-for someone to care.
To have some control over my own life.
To be prioritised for once.
To fit in.
To be happy.
…
…Wait, shit, I—
No, I’m stupid. I’m the inconsiderate one here, aren’t I?
Isn’t this why I wanted to talk to him in the first place? Because he’s the only other one that’d understand?
Everything in his life has been dictated by that stupid prophesy bullshit and now I’m the one bitching and moaning about feeling like nothing is in my control?
Shit, how did I— how did I forget how he felt in the church? Or how desperate he sounded arguing with that stupid flower?
Even if I can’t stand that thing inside me, Ralsei just wants the one thing he’s terrified can’t happen.
And I guess, in some weird way at least, we are in the same boat…
I scooch myself slightly closer to him, just barely rubbing our shoulders together.
[ BGM: Shop 3 ]
I know it’s not the first time I’ve told him he can count on me, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea to keep telling him that.
Because it’s true.
Maybe when we first met, I couldn’t stand him.
Just… going along with that stupid prophesy, standing by as I’m puppetted around like a marionette. But I know he means well.
Even through everything miserable that’s been happening, being with him has been fun.
Being with him and—
I… I need to stop thinking about her right now.
Hm, well, I guess it’s still kinda fresh on the mind. I’ve calmed down a bit, but it’s not like anyone else has ever really asked for me to talk about it.
Ugh… I haven’t really talked with anyone who isn’t a therapist about this before.
Does Ralsei even know what my sex is?
Well, it’s not like those features are subtle. Everyone just pretends to not see what this body is. I’m sure a perceptive person like Ralsei has figured it out by now. At least if that stupid prophecy hasn’t already told him.
Most people assume I’m a man until told otherwise anyway. Most people probably still do. Mom probably does. She wants me to be happy but I know how she feels about how people whisper about me. The only human in a town full of monsters, and I couldn’t even be a normal one at that. What a joke.
…
Whatever.
I doubt it’d change how Ralsei thinks about me.
He’s not like that.
I figured he’d say that.
Not like many people would say anything different, but there’s nothing to gain from not believing him.
I roll my eyes.
And it’s not like there’s something I could take to make me a monster.
Even if I wanted to anyway, I can’t do any of that until I’m 18. It’s stupid.
Why did I have to be born a stupid human? One with such repulsive features? Why was I the unlucky one? It’s stupid.
Why does the human body need so much estrogen or testosterone anyway? It’s stupid.
It’s stupid.
Maybe it’d be worth it just to take medication to block all sex hormones. I’d probably die before I turn 30 but at least I won’t have to grow into such a disgusting body.
Huh?
Is this guy fucking stupid??
Wow.
And if anything, I wish I were him!
Does he not know how lucky he is for looking the way he does????
I’m going to tear this guy to fucking shreds.
And… hold on…
I have to figure out how to word this.
Thank God it isn’t here right now. I do not have any trust whatsoever in it picking anything close to the right decision here.
I just realized that this was a very stupid thing to ask.
…
I look off to the side away from him(?) again.
…This…
This is going to be real rich coming from me.
Am I?
Well, I guess that was his whole shtick, wasn’t it?
…
I’m raising my eyebrow.
…I think I know what’s going on here.
Well, I say that like it’s not incredibly obvious.
I wrap my arms around them.
I’m… not good with these things.
I really don’t have any experience with comforting someone… like… ever…
But I think this gets my thoughts across well enough.
…I really don’t want to see them beat themself up like this.
They don’t deserve it.
They really don’t deserve anything they’ve been suffering through.
I don’t think it’s fair that they only think everyone else should be happy.
Ralsei holds me back.
They aren’t making any noise, but I think they’re crying a little.
That makes me happy.
It’s not like I can do that often.
I think that means this helps.
And… honestly… Ralsei makes for really good hugs…
So I’m glad.
After a few more seconds, we separate from each other.
My throat tightens again.
I’m so stupid. I shouldn’t have gone there. I don’t– I don’t want to think about that.
I’m happy for them. I’m happy that they’re happy.
I just—
Ralsei, hesitating slightly, gently grasps onto my arm with both hands.
I hate that neither of them care about me enough.
Not even the one special thing I had with someone is mine anymore.
I-
I blink.
I blink again.
Oh.
I turn away from them.
A-Am I blushing?? I can feel my face burning up.
Shit, okay.
I didn’t tell them that I like… had a crush on her, or anything. It’s not like that’s what they mean.
Just—
Shit, I was being stupid again.
How did I not even think of how they felt here?? And I–
Huh?
I wipe the back of my palm across my eyes.
Oh- I—
God, I probably look stupid. I can’t believe I did that.
But— God, my heart is beating really fast right now. What the hell is happening??
Or— I—-
I guess… I’m just happy that someone cares this much about me.
[ BGM: Lost Girl ]
I—
I place my hand on top of theirs.
I’m not actually as much of a flirt as it makes me out to be.
I’m… really bad at expressing how I feel.
I haven’t ever had a lot of friends. For a long period of my life I didn’t have any at all.
So, I— I don’t really know if what I’m doing here is the right thing.
I don’t know exactly what this is inside me that feels for them.
But this feels right… I think…
This makes me happy.
Ralsei immediately jerks away from me, covering their face with their cloak.
Okay, in retrospect, I really should’ve expected this.
They really don’t do a good job at hiding it.
And it’s really hard not to think of them as cute seeing them get flustered like this.
At the very least, I want to be there for them so that they can find out who that is.
A FUCKING -WHAT-??????
I’m going to fucking skin that woman alive. Why, WHY did she say any of that near Ralsei??????
I take a second to calm myself down.
I think… I think I’m feeling better.
In general…
I look back over to Ralsei–
–and I can’t help but smile a little bit.
I’m sure that this won’t be the last night I’ll feel this awful. It’s becoming far too normal for me.
But at the very least, it shouldn’t be as bad anymore.
Not as long as I have them.
I want to keep seeing them happy.
And I want to see them blush like this again, and again, for as long as I can.
Stretching my arms a little, I go to bring myself to my feet.
Ralsei brings themself to their feet too.
I wave dismissively at Ralsei.
They don’t have to look at me so accusatory.
It’s too fun not teasing them like this though.
And then Ralsei, gracefully snatching their scarf off of the ground, tying it back around their neck, and unlatching the lock to the cabin once more, began to walk off into the distant snowstorm, away from the warmth we had here together.
I guess they trust me enough to seal the Fountain without them here to see it.
…that makes me a little happy.
I don’t want to resign myself to living like this.
I don’t want them to live like this either.
I—
I want to be happy someday.
