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Kochanski is the only one at the console when he steps in, and she turns to him with an easy smile. ‘Where have you been, then?’ she asks. She is so young, it makes his heart hurt. In fact, she is so young it feels weird, but when he looks down at himself, he’s wearing the uniform of a third technician, and all around him, Red Dwarf hums with life - actual, human, life.
‘Ah, you know how it is,’ he says only a beat too late, ‘up all night and then Rimmer giving me grief -‘
‘Rimmer?’ she says, tilting her head in confusion, even as she glances back at her monitors. ‘Are you all right, Dave?’ She squeezes his arm again, looking up at him somewhere between teasing and concerned. It’s a nice look. ‘A few too many last night?’
He gives an easy laugh, shrugging self-deprecatingly. ‘Yeah, well, you know how I get,’ he says and she rolls her eyes as she turns back to her desk. It's clearly playful, so that’s all right. There’s something niggling at him though. ‘What made you realise?’ he asks, aiming for charmingly confused, and probably hitting brainless. For a brief moment, he can almost hear Rimmer’s exasperated sigh.
‘You haven’t been bunking with Rimmer for weeks,’ she says, efficiently changing over the cables as she speaks. ‘Happiest day of your life, you said, when he finally decided to pack it all in and ask to be transferred.’
‘Oh, yeah,’ he says around the sudden lump in his throat. ‘Of course.’
*
He’s only just woken up when Kryten barges in.
‘Sirs, sirs,’ he says, more excited than anyone has any right to be this early in the afternoon.
‘Kryten, you goit, what could possibly be so important it couldn’t wait until shift change?’ Rimmer says. When Lister leans over the edge of his bunk, he sees that Rimmer is re-cataloguing his telegraph pole collection, which explains the almost friendly-for-Rimmer response. The poles always put him in a good mood.
‘But sirs,’ Kryten says, distress creeping into his tone, ‘it’s about you - your bond.’
‘Steady on,’ Lister says, because it is definitely too early for this, at the same time as Rimmer says, ‘we haven’t got a bond, you malfunctioning bog brush.’
Lister thinks he takes offence to that. ‘Hey man, I think I’m hurt,’ he says in his most put upon voice. He’s rewarded by Rimmer turning in his seat to glare at him. ‘Do these past 30 years mean nothing to you? Does the fact that you’re meant to be keeping me sane not count as a bond?’ He clutches at his heart to really sell the performance.
‘The only bond we have is the one that means my lifespan is unfortunately tied to yours,’ Rimmer says, sniffing dismissively and making his nostrils flare, ’which given the disgusting way you choose to live is, if anything, a form of punishment.’ But Lister catches his eye and he doesn’t miss the way the side of Rimmer’s mouth twitches. Caught you, he thinks, a sweet, familiar warmth spreading in his chest.
‘But that’s what I’m trying to say!’ Kryten interrupts and Lister starts. He’d forgotten Kryten was there. ‘You’re not.’
Lister stares at him.
‘Not what?’ he says at the same time as Rimmer. When he looks back at Rimmer, Rimmer’s gone a bit pale.
‘Not bound together,’ Kryten says and he sounds pleased, so it must be good news, Lister reckons, even if his head feels suddenly staticky. Probably one lager too many last night, that. ‘I was going through the ship’s management protocols -‘
‘Hang on, that’s my job,’ Rimmer interrupts, ‘only officers are supposed to -‘
‘Rimmer, you’re not even an officer, shut the smeg up,’ Lister interrupts in turn. ‘What are you saying Krytes?’
‘Well that’s just it sir, the personnel files have been updated. It seems that JMC protocols mean that you have been promoted to officer, Mr Rimmer, sir, following your heroic actions in saving Red Dwarf.’ He pauses to make a bashful little head shake. ‘And me too sir. As an officer, your hologram status comes without conditions.’ He beams at them both. ‘I thought you’d be pleased. Now you’ve got what you’ve always wanted Mr - I mean Navigation Officer Rimmer, sir, and Mr Lister, you don’t have to feel any more responsibility for Mr Rimmer, which I imagine will be a great relief.’
‘A great relief, yeah,’ Lister says half-heartedly, and then really hears what Kryten is saying. ‘Oh smeg,’ he says, looking at Rimmer. ‘You’re going to be unbearable.’ Even as he says it, a smile is creeping across his face in anticipation of Rimmer’s inevitable smug excitement.
Except it doesn’t come.
‘Oh, right,’ is all Rimmer says for a moment. He’s staring into nothing, like he hasn’t even heard what Kryten has said. Then he seems to shake himself. ‘Right. Thank you for - thank you for informing me of the change. I will - I have to -‘ he stands up and doesn’t finish the sentence, just stalks out of the bunk room without another word.
Lister looks at Kryten. Kryten shrugs, his whole body wobbling with the effort. ‘I thought he’d be happier,’ he says, ‘but I suppose Mr - oh smeg, Navigation Officer Rimmer doesn’t really do happy.’ He looks annoyed for a moment. ‘That will take some getting used to.’
‘Probably off to think of all the new protocols he’s going to put in place to get us all ship-shape,’ Lister says, his tone almost normal. Kryten shudders.
‘I’ll warn the Cat,’ he decides and that does make Lister laugh.
*
‘Rimmer?’ the Rabbit says, nose twitching nervously, ‘No, I’ve never heard of a Rimmer.’ His hands keep moving, like it is taking a lot of effort to stay in one place. It is making Lister want to fidget as well. ‘Maybe Kochanski’ll know.’ Rabbit shakes his bum, and hops off in a way that makes Cat’s movements seem frankly calm and considered by comparison.
It’s not entirely a surprise to see Kochanski with an H on her forehead in Starbug’s cockpit. At least she’s hard-light, piloting with a lazy sort of confidence which makes Lister grin in recognition. She smiles warmly when he comes in. ‘There you are,’ she says, stretching. ‘Picked up Red Dwarf’s vapour trail again. Think we’re less than a day away now’
‘Brutal,’ he says as she shifts out of the pilot chair, gesturing extravagantly for him to sit down. He settles in, everything feeling just familiar enough, and the kiss she gives him as she passes him is pretty nice too. Just as she’s heading for the door, he asks, as casually as he can, ‘Hey Krissie, you remember Rimmer?’
‘Krissie?’ Kochanski says, wrinkling her nose - and okay, so that’s not a thing here, good to know - and then, ‘Rimmer? Name doesn’t ring a bell. Why,’ and she leans over him, close to his ear when she says, ‘should I be jealous of her?’
*
It takes Lister a little while to track Rimmer down, partly because he stops for breakfast beforehand, and partly because Rimmer has squirrelled himself away down on C-deck, reviewing the skutters. Lister calls out, ‘Oh, Navigation Officer Rimmer, Sir!’ and it takes a beat before Rimmer looks down his nose and says, ‘Nice to see you’ve finally decided to respect the proper order of things, Listy,’ in his most pompous voice, his most self-satisfied expression very much aimed at Lister. ‘Order, hierarchy, they’re -’
‘-the cornerstones of civilisation, what separates us from animals and machines,’ Lister finishes, smirking right back.
Rimmer blinks at him. Then he shakes himself. ‘Exactly. Now, if you don’t mind, I have a lot to think about -’
‘So are we celebrating?’ Lister interrupts, because although all the words are right and the tone is almost there, there’s still something off about Rimmer, and the tried and true method of getting to the bottom of Rimmer being off is not letting him actually get anywhere. Lister’s had years of experience at this point. ‘Bit of a bash, drinks in the officer’s club, you in your officer whites, big hat…’ He lets his voice drop as he trails off, and for a brief moment, Rimmer’s mouth goes soft and his tongue peeks out to wet his bottom lip. It lasts just long enough for that pleasant warm thing to start to uncurl in Lister’s chest.
Then Rimmer’s straightening up, pressing his lips tight together and it’s like it never even happened. ‘I am sure you would love that, miladdo, any excuse to get drunk eh, but as ranking officer on this ship, I have responsibilities.’ He turns on his heels and - he knows Rimmer would definitely deny this, but there’s no other word for it - flees.
Which is when Lister starts to worry.
*
‘Rimmer?’ Kryten whirs for a moment, searching his memory banks. Lister tries not to shift from foot to foot. He’s the right age in this universe, which is more comforting than it has any right to be, and this is definitely his Red Dwarf, rebuilt nano-bots and all, but something is off. And it’s confirmed when Kryten holds up a finger and says, ‘Of course! Ace! We met him once.’ He shakes his head, smiling. ‘What a guy!’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ Lister says, ‘but what about our Rimmer?’
‘Our Rimmer, sir?’ Kryten says, and realisation dawns on Lister even as Kryten’s face shifts into concern-mode. ‘Sir, do you think perhaps you might not be well? If you just step into the medibay -’
Lister presses the button, and closes his eyes against the flash.
*
‘Lister,’ Rimmer says and then stops. He’s got that constipated look on his face which means he’s experiencing a difficult emotion. It’s a familiar look, and Lister knows the best thing to do is wait it out.
‘Yes, Navigation Officer Rimmer, sir,’ he says, because he’s never been that good at doing the best thing when it comes to Rimmer. And sure enough, Rimmer makes a ridiculous expression, some combination of pleased, annoyed, suspicious and under it all, maybe - sad?
Lister slides down from his bunk.
‘Rimmer?’ he says when Rimmer doesn’t say anything else. He takes a step towards him, and that’s when Rimmer thrusts his hand out.
In it, he is holding the skipper.
‘I thought you smashed that,’ Lister says inanely, because he’s not sure what else to say.
‘I did, Rimmer agrees. ‘And then I fixed it.’ Lister gives him an unimpressed look, and Rimmer flusters. ‘All right, fine, I got Kryten to fix it. But I checked it. It works.’
‘Right,’ Lister says and waits. After a long moment where it seems like they might have been struck by some sort of freeze ray or hit one of those weird stretchy moments of space-time and be stuck here, Rimmer’s arm outstretched and Lister just standing there like a git, Rimmer comes back to himself. He steps forward.
Lister steps backwards. ‘So this is you taking your leave then,’ he says and the anger in his voice takes him aback. ‘Not enough to be an officer here, you smegging git, you -’
‘Lister, shut up,’ Rimmer says, pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘It’s not for me.’
You what, Lister thinks. ‘You what?’ he says.
‘I got it, didn’t I? My dream. I did the big sacrifice, I was brave, I even gave up my powers, and now there are cats who think I’m a god and I am an officer. A real officer.’ Lister opens his mouth to point out that he’s a real officer on a ship containing one actual human, but Rimmer doesn’t give him the chance. ‘I did it. Everything I set out to do.’ There’s something about his voice which niggles at Lister, but he can’t put his finger on it. Rimmer looks up from where he’d been staring at the skipper. ‘I think you should use this,’ he says.
Lister blinks at him and Rimmer makes a frustrated noise. ‘Use it for what?’ Lister says. Rimmer rolls his eyes so dramatically, Lister wonders if it is actually possible for them to get stuck.
‘For smeg’s sake,’ he says, and despite everything, the annoyance in his voice makes Lister want to smile. ‘I am trying - I am trying to - you know what? I am ordering you, as your superior officer, to use this.’ Lister is about to protest, but Rimmer is on a roll now and will not be stopped. ‘And if you’re going to try that old ‘only human’ nonsense, you can spare me - what good are you anyway, without another human to reproduce with? And even leaving that aside, ask yourself whether a human species stemming from a slobby, lazy goit with barely enough intelligence to keep himself from dying on a daily basis is really worth aiming for.’
‘Hey!’ Lister manages to cut in, and the hot air powering that speech leaves Rimmer all at once. He looks suddenly old - or, well, all right, even older - and Lister realises what was niggling at him. Rimmer’s voice isn’t right, it sounds empty and staticky.
He sounds like he did in low power mode.
The thought makes Lister forget what he was going to say. Into the silence between them, Rimmer says, ‘You should go find Kochanski.’ He looks up at Lister, then away quickly again. ‘Look, there’s bound to be a universe where you and her are married and have a million disgusting babies or -’ he trails off and shakes his head. ‘Look, I know I am not, I know I am hard to - I know you didn’t choose - and - anyway.’
Lister waits. And waits. But it seems like Rimmer’s run out of whatever energy got him this far, and the thing is.
The thing is.
The thing is, Lister’s only just come around to admitting that he has a soft spot for the pompous git, is the thing. And even more recently, after all the heroism and god business, he’d started to think that maybe they’ve both sort of arrived at the same conclusion - that they’re on the same track. This feels like going down stairs you’ve gone down a thousand times before, only to find a step missing midway. Maybe a dozen steps.
‘You know, if you want to get rid of me, there’s easier ways -’ he starts, trying to smirk over the strange coldness in his stomach. Rimmer’s nostrils flare in annoyance, but Lister knows him, he knows him, and this isn’t Rimmer being a smeghead, this isn’t Rimmer on a power trip, this is -
Oh smeg. ‘Are you trying to be nice?’ he demands, and Rimmer ruffles himself up like a ridiculous, smarmy ostrich, enough like himself for Lister to think that maybe, maybe they can get back to normal, and he can make a joke and whatever breakdown Rimmer has been having will pass.
And then Rimmer sighs, all his metaphorical feathers going limp. ‘Look. You’re not - I mean to say - maybe you can - maybe you can find what you’ve always wanted.’ He places the skipper carefully on the table, carefully not looking at Lister. ‘I think you should at least try.’ And with that, he goes, leaving Lister to stare at the skipper on his own.
*
In one universe, Rimmer’s in prison on Io for assaulting a JMC officer. Lister thinks about going to see him, but Petersen tells him he’s gone completely off his rocker. ‘Just sits and talks to a penguin puppet, apparently,’ and he laughs as he says it. Lister laughs too - after all, at the age he’s currently, he would have found it funny.
In another universe, Kochanski’s a hologram again, and Cat is a female cat, and it takes about three seconds of Cat suggestively rubbing herself on him before he presses the button.
In a third, JMC has been bought up by another company, requiring all crew members had to learn Esperanto. He arrives to Chen telling everyone that Rimmer has failed the test, because of course he has, and been dismissed. ‘Guess you get your room all to yourself for a little while, eh?’ he says, nudging Lister and making eyes to where Kochanski is queuing for dinner.
‘Lucky me,’ Lister says.
In the fourth, Rimmer died as Ace, and Kochanski never made it back to her universe. The temperature between them in Starbug’s cockpit is so cold, he half-wonders if his balls are going to fall off, and even so, this still feels more familiar than most of the places he’s been.
‘Date, Hol?’ he asks on the next hop. Holly pops up on screen, blowing the fringe out of her eyes.
‘Thursday,’ she says, and Lister sighs.
‘Bit more specific,’ he says, waving his hands. She thinks. ‘Just after 2pm. Still early for you, really.’
‘Right, yeah.’ A glance at his clothes says this could be any time before the nanobots rebuilt Red Dwarf, so that isn’t helpful. Only thing for it is exploring.
A quick glance at his old quarter and that at least is promising - two bunks, both clearly slept in. He flops down on a chair and waits.
It isn’t long before the door slides open, and Lister sits up in anticipation.
‘Hi Dave,’ the person says, and Lister blinks and blinks again, because he’s short, dark-haired, and the H is right, but Rimmer would never wear his uniform like that and -
‘Hi Chris,’ he says, disappointment making his throat tight. Chris’s mouth curves up, and yeah, he recognises Kochanski’s smile, that soft-teasing look in her - well, his - eyes, so it is not a total surprise when this Kochanski kisses him.
‘Missed you,’ he says, and Lister can feel his warm breath on his lips. He is tempted to kiss back.
‘Missed you too,’ he says, because he’s starting to get the hang of his role by now. ‘How was your shift?’
Chris laughs as he sits down on his bunk. ‘So boring, I almost started to miss Rimmer. Do you remember her? Always on and on about correct protocols and putting us on report.’’ Chris laughs, shaking his head, but the tightness in Lister’s throat feels like it is strangling him now, and all he can do is nod. ‘Much good it did her in the end,’ Chris says. His tone is a little sad, in a way Lister recognises all too well, a sort of distant grief for all those who died. It’s no more than that, though.
Lister clears his throat.
‘You fancy the Parrot?’ Chris asks, grinning at him, Rimmer forgotten. ‘I’ll try and stop you and the Cat getting mortal. Can’t make any promises, though.’
‘Yeah, yeah, uh, that sounds great,’ Lister manages, although if the look Chris is giving him is anything to go by, it doesn’t sound convincing. ‘I, err, I just need to -’ He makes a vague gesture with his hand, and steps out, leaving Chris’s ‘You all right?’ hanging in the air behind him.
*
He isn’t going to use it. Of course he isn’t. Rimmer is just being a smeghead - or, all right, even if he isn’t being horrible, there’s something else going on, some sort of stupid, idiotic thought process that has led him to the conclusion that this is an answer to anything. Rimmer’s never dealt well with good news, not really, and so this shouldn’t be surprising. In fact, this is probably Rimmer trying to outrun the universe. Smeg things up for himself before the universe can do it for him.
Lister sighs and then - hold on. If that’s true, if Rimmer’s trying to get him to go, does that mean Lister leaving is - what does that mean? A trade-off, maybe? He pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes. Trying to understand Rimmer’s mind is the sort of thing that requires several high-level degrees, vaccinations, a hazmat suit and hazard pay, and that’s for people who haven’t already had several trips ‘round his psyche over the years. Even the thought of it is giving Lister a headache.
When he takes his hands away, the skipper is still there, mocking him.
He should go and find Rimmer. Demand he explain himself. Failing that, maybe try to talk to him about - well. About the stupid warm feelings, and the thoughts he keeps having, about how they’re getting older, how he knows Rimmer better than he’s ever going to know anyone. How maybe, just maybe, this is it for him. That Rimmer’s it for him.
The thought of actually saying it makes him feel like he’s eaten a dodgy vindaloo. There has to be an easier way, doesn’t there?
He looks at the skipper again.
*
‘I was thinking,’ Kris says carefully, looking up at him with wide eyes.
‘Right,’ Lister says, falling into the chair in their shared quarters. This version of Kochanski is not the young one who died on Red Dwarf; she isn’t the older one who Lister met two universes ago, in her sixties, bitter and frustrated and almost - almost familiar enough to be Arlene, really. Lister had skipped out of there pretty quickly. This Kochanski is approaching middle-age, but this isn’t nano-bot Red Dwarf, it’s bustling with the busy work of a mining ship doing what it is supposed to be doing.
She takes a deep breath. ‘I was thinking about it again, you know, about - kids.’
‘Right,’ he says, and now that he’s thinking about it, it is strange, really - that none of the universes he’s seen have had - none of them have had -
‘I think we should adopt,’ she says finally. ‘I know we’ve gone round and round, but your term is up in two years, and I’ve been saving -’
Even as she says it, her eyes are filling up, and Lister does the only thing he can think to do, which is hold her until the crying stops.
Later, when she’s asleep, he hacks into the Red Dwarf’s medical files - honestly, despite everything, he’s a little impressed with himself. Quite bright, he thinks as the files come up, and something twists inside him.
Kris’s medical files are pretty normal, except - infertility following radiation exposure, it says under a tab marked ‘’23 RD Leak REPORT’. He finds his own file, and yep - same thing. Petersen, Chen, Selby - even Todhunter and Hollister, he looks them all up, and they all have the same thing. An entire ship of dead ends, he thinks, and then shakes his head - that’s Rimmer’s voice, that sad, defeated thing, that’s not him.
Speaking of - he finds Rimmer’s personnel file and -
DECEASED it reads in all red capitals. It isn’t even really that surprising when the date of Rimmer’s death turns out to be the day of the radiation leak. There’s a note next to his death date: No hologram space available.
Lister stares at it for a long time.
All right. All right. He can take a hint - it might take him a few goes, but he gets it now.
*
Flash - the universe where Kryten is a female mechanoid, Cat is a Hamster, and Kochanski keeps threatening to throw herself out of the airlock.
Flash - the universe where he’s Deb again, but this time married to Chris.
Flash - the universe where he’s the hologram to Kris’s survivor.
Flash - the universe where he’s the one in prison for assaulting a senior technician, and it says something that he feels almost at home in this universe, because at least - at least -
Flash - flash - flash - flash - flash - and then -
‘Hiya dude,’ Holly says, sounding sarcastic and unimpressed, so it’s the right Holly voice, and the right ship, and when he looks down, his clothes look exactly like he’d expect them to, and -
‘And just where have you been?’ Cat demands, swishing past him. ‘Old mecha-head has been panicking for hours.’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ Lister says, but it is so familiar, it feels so right, and he’s not quite holding his breath when he asks, ‘Where’s Rimmer?’
‘How the hell should I know where goalpost head is hiding?’ Cat says and Lister exhales all at once. ‘Probably off somewhere starching that awful dress uniform of his.’
‘Yeah, right, of course,’ Lister says over the sound of blood rushing in his ears, and Cat wandering off. ‘Hol, could you locate Rimmer?’
‘Surely you mean Navigation Officer Rimmer?’ Holly asks in the tone of someone who has been corrected on this matter several times already. And it is a sign of just how horribly, disgustingly gone Lister is that this makes a stupid, almost certainly brainless-looking smile stretch his cheeks.
‘That’s the one,’ he says.
Rimmer turns around quickly when Lister steps into the spare bunkroom where he has - clearly, obviously - been hiding. He looks haggard and miserable, and even though he tries to pull his face into something like a sneer, Lister sees right through him.
Lister sees him.
‘Found your better universe then? Just back to gloat?’
‘I am going to throw this bloody thing out of the airlock,’ Lister hisses. ‘I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to throw you out with it.’
‘Hang on now, you can’t threaten me, I’m an -‘ Rimmer says, but before he can say, ‘officer’, Lister has him pinned up against the wall and once he’s there, it is easy to let the momentum take him further, until he’s kissing Rimmer.
Everything is frozen again. Rimmer is stiff and surprised against him, and Lister has time to consider that maybe it’s just as well that he hasn’t actually thrown the skipper out of the airlock.
Then Rimmer lets out a little hiccupy whimper, and Lister thinks caught you, warm and familiar, just as Rimmer’s mouth opens against his.
It’s better than it has any right to be. Lister isn’t sure if it’s because it’s Rimmer and he has been waiting for this, or if it’s knowing that he is defying the stupid smegging universe - or if it’s just the way Rimmer is clutching at his shoulders and opening for him, letting himself be kissed like Lister’s been wanting to for what feels like - well, what feels like several lifetimes.
He pushes that thought down, and gets his mouth on Rimmer’s neck, crowding him until he’s close enough that he can feel the way Rimmer’s entirely failing to keep his hips from moving, needy little thrusts pressing them even closer. He grins against his throat. Lister has always suspected Rimmer would be easy, if they ever got here.
‘Lister, wha- have you lost what little remains of your mind?’ Rimmer gasps, and Lister revises his assessment. Not too easy then, but even that makes him feel all warm and lit up. He pulls back to look Rimmer in the eye, but not far enough that Rimmer can actually go anywhere. And then he loses his train of thought again, just a little, because Rimmer is open-mouthed, wide-eyed and looks objectively ridiculous, like a particularly gormless fish stranded belly up. All Lister wants to do is kiss him again.
Smeg. He must really love him.
‘My mind?’ he says, sliding a hand up to catch in the slightly too long hair at the back of Rimmer’s neck and pull, just enough to make Rimmer gasp. ‘I am not the one trying to shove the person I love into another universe, smeghead!’
Rimmer goes very, very still and very, very pale. ‘What are you talking about, you addled-brain, curry-poisoned -’
Lister is done with this conversation. ‘You’re stuck with me,’ he says, ‘and I’m stuck with you, and that’s it. Might as well enjoy ourselves, yeah?’ And then he pulls Rimmer forward and kisses him again, because he’s always believed in using short cuts to win arguments. It works too, for several extremely good minutes during which Lister manages to wrestle his leather jacket off and slide open the fastenings on Rimmer’s uniform. Rimmer makes a ridiculously cute wibbly noise at that, and Lister kisses him again, and again, and again, and -
‘So is this what you saw on your skips? Just lots of us…fornicating?’ Rimmer breaks away to ask. He’s gone all the way to red now and his breathing is shaky, but he’s obviously, futilely, trying to regain some sort of composure. No chance of that - Lister grins and presses his hand to the hard outline of his prick, watching as Rimmer’s eyes slide closed and his breathing hitches.
‘Not even close, man,’ he says, ‘now shut up and let me shag you.’
*
The skipper is taking its sweet time to load back up, so Lister is stuck for now with an icily furious Kochanski, in the too-small cockpit of Starbug, staring out at space. He’d forgotten how boring this could get, the endlessness of it, and he’s just about to check the skipper again, when Kochanski says with a slow dawning curiosity, ‘You’re not you.’
Lister does his most convincing idiot face, and doesn’t think about what comment Rimmer might make about that. ‘What do you mean? Who else would I be?’
She fixes him with a deeply unimpressed stare. ‘At this point, I think you’d give me more credit.’
He can’t disagree with that. ‘Yeah, alright. Been dimension jumping,’ he says easily. Her eyes widen as she understands what he’s saying, and he gets about ten seconds of warning before she’s lunging for him.
‘Nah, sorry, I can’t -’ he says, although a better man maybe would. But he thinks about Red Dwarf, his Red Dwarf, and his Rimmer, the stupid trying-to-do-the-right-thing expression on his face when he presented the skipper to Lister, and he holds on tight.
‘You don’t understand,’ she says, and she is crying with rage, ‘I can’t stay here, I wasn’t meant to be here.’
Lister hates himself a little bit when he presses the button.
*
‘So, were there no universes where you and Kochanski ended up together?’ Rimmer says. His tone is definitely aiming for casual, maybe even disinterested, and gets about as close to it as they currently are to Earth.
Lister settles himself more comfortably against Rimmer’s shoulder. ‘Oh no,’ he says, not even trying to hide the satisfaction in his voice. ‘We’re together in most of them.’ Unfortunately, that makes Rimmer twist until he’s up on one elbow, pitching Lister sideways, and almost making him fall off the bed.
Lister adds ‘find a decent sized bed on this stupid ship’ to his to-do list. It joins ‘have more sex with Rimmer’ to make a grand total of two items.
‘Are you lying?’ Rimmer asks, eyes narrowed, and Lister knows he has about half a minute before Rimmer decides he is being made fun of, which will make at least one item on the aforementioned list harder to achieve.
‘Nah,’ he says and smiles when he says it, ‘almost every one I visited.’ He tries not to think about the dead-Ace universe and its Kochanski. ‘You know, in most of them, you and me barely even met.’
Rimmer goes almost cross-eyed at this. It makes Lister wonder what his skips were like, but that can wait for another day, because Rimmer’s saying, ‘Then why?’ in a voice which is halfway between incredulous at Lister’s stupidity, and utterly terrified.
Lister shrugs, as much as it is possible to shrug lying down. ‘It’s nice to know, you know. Lots of universes where everyone didn’t die, or where Kochanski and I made it work despite that.’ Rimmer’s mouth has gone tight, almost disappearing in his face, and Lister gives into a stupid, soft impulse. He puts his hand against Rimmer’s cheek. ‘It’s nice to know they’re out there, but that’s not what happened to me. They’re not home.’
Rimmer closes his eyes. ‘That doesn’t make any sense,’ he whines, and Lister laughs.
‘You’re telling me,’ he agrees. Rimmer’s eyes pop open and he pulls back.
‘Excuse me, I think you’ll find that I -’
‘Yeah, yeah, you’re a right catch, sir,’ Lister says and enjoys the way Rimmer flushes. He enjoys the kiss Rimmer leans down to give him even more. He lets himself get distracted, because despite his teasing, Rimmer is maybe, if not exactly a catch, then for better or worse, the one Lister wants, and the way Rimmer kisses him, intent and focused, well -
‘Did you mean what you said earlier?’ Rimmer asks, pulling back just a little. Lister blinks at him and Rimmer actually harrumphs. ‘About, you know, about - how you feel about me.’ He looks like he might throw up, and Lister really bloody loves him. It’s awful.
‘I don’t think I said anything about how I felt,’ he says, pretending to think back as Rimmer goes increasingly red, puffing up and definitely about to say something awful when Lister laughs. ‘But yeah, of course. I love you. Goit. And you love me.’
‘Right,’ Rimmer says, blinking as if he’s gone offline. Lister waits him out, until he shakes his head and re-focuses on Lister. ‘In this universe.’ He says it wonderingly, like a question, and Lister’s smile feels like it is coming from his toes.
‘The only universe that matters,’ he says.