Work Text:
Hyunjin’s racing mind comes to a halt when the shoot wraps up for the day, the staff around her sharing the relief. She’ll miss the allure of the outfit, the way it drapes perfectly against her frame, makes her confidence soar, but she knows well enough that work will always end and she will stumble back towards her reality.
She has no real qualms tugging the heels off of her feet and allowing the dress to slip down from her shoulders, shedding the second skin as though she were a snake.
Only once she’s alone does she finally have the proper space to breathe, her body deflating as she sits at the vanity and begins to scrub the makeup off of her face. It takes more than a few wipes for the smears to disappear completely, but once it’s gone Hyunjin can’t help but smile at her bare face in the mirror, a warm feeling flowing all over her.
Hyunjin, carefully, pulls her sweatpants over her hips and her sweater over her head, praying for once that her journey home leaves her unnoticed. She tucks her hair inside for good measure, sunglasses shielding her eyes, and bids the staff farewell. She steps out into the evening breeze cautiously, eyes fluttering around to ensure there’s no fans lingering outside of the building.
She gives herself a moment to relax during transit, but only marginally. Hyunjin remains observant until the moment she’s pressing the code into their apartment door, relief flooding through her as she enters the safety of the familiar space. She’s never dealt with outright stalkers before, but past negative encounters have left her permanently on edge, always glancing over her shoulder even when it feels unwarranted.
It only takes one brief look around to find the apartment empty, Jeongin’s keys missing from the hook and his bedroom door closed. Hyunjin doesn’t let herself fret over it, Jeongin can take care of himself when he needs to, but his lateness doesn’t escape her curiosity. She holds back texting him only for the fleeting fear of clinginess.
In an attempt to occupy her time, Hyunjin tries to journal, but each pen press to the page feels difficult, tedious. She tries to pace around, keep herself from growing fidgety and antsy in her roommate’s absence, but even leaving her bedroom instead makes the listless feeling persist. As a final effort, she pulls out her sketchbook and pencil, closes her eyes and tries to muster the imagination for anything, but her brain draws so many blanks that even the small sketch she attempts ends up uninspired and lifeless.
With an oppressive feeling of defeat and her boredom persisting, Hyunjin throws her legs on the coffee table and curls into the corner of her couch, letting the television play on a random program and counts the seconds, the minutes until Jeongin finally comes home.
Years ago, when she still believed Jeongin would grow taller than her, Hyunjin thought her clinginess would cease and that they’d eventually part ways, but it seems more and more lately that she’ll always lean on his friendship. Although their bond has stood the test of time, it’s nights such as these that Hyunjin is completely, utterly aware that Jeongin’s social life exceeds hers.
It leaves her only a little sour, but more lonely than anything else.
Hope rustles in the pits of Hyunjin’s stomach when the door clicks open and Jeongin’s dark hair peaks through the cracks, a gleaming smile on his face as he looks toward Hyunjin. She sits up to welcome him as she always does, but the clear vision of a girl behind Jeongin leaves her puzzled, cautious too.
Hyunjin’s eyes gravitate toward the enigma against her will. Inexplicably, she’s unable to tear away her fixation on the freckles and pink blush dusted across her cheeks, her wide eyes and long lashes. She looks to Hyunjin briefly, only for her own eyes to dart away and for her free hand to tangle in the short strands of her brown pixie cut, her body subtly maneuvering behind Jeongin. Only then does Hyunjin realize that Jeongin is holding her wrist, their arms never quite disconnecting.
Hyunjin tries to keep her expression neutral, calm even, but the questions rustle in her brain like leaves in the wind. She craves to know every detail, so suddenly it overwhelms her, but she and Jeongin have never held secrets and this girl, this fairy before her, is something her best friend has never mentioned.
“Oh,” Jeongin says casually, the smile etched onto his face widening as he raises one hand to greet Hyunjin. “Hi Noona, how was your shoot?”
“Fine,” Hyunjin blinks again, her eyes wandering across Jeongin and his guest.
“That’s good,” Jeongin nods, still smiling, his hand still wrapped around the girl’s wrist. “Oh, Noona,” he adds a second later, suddenly sheepish.
“Yes?” Hyunjin speaks slowly, eyes widening.
“This is Felicity,” Jeongin mentions her finally, pulling her forward just enough. Felicity looks toward Hyunjin like a scared rabbit, her limbs practically shivering in her baby pink dress and lacey socks. She’s cute, too cute, and although Hyunjin knows all of nothing about her, she finds it easy to designate Felicity as one of the prettiest girls she’s ever seen. “We’ll be in my room if you need anything, Noona,” Jeongin adds, tugging Felicity by the wrist and straight towards his bedroom.
Before they’re completely absent from sight, Hyunjin’s eyes lock with Felicity’s once more. She has that frightened prey look on her face again and she seems hesitant to look at Hyunjin for more than half a second. Briefly, despite her clear shyness, she gives Hyunjin the smallest smile with her heartshaped lips and Hyunjin thinks her heart may explode from her chest.
Once they’re gone, the sound of Jeongin’s closed door hitting her ears and the pace of her heartbeat still too quick, Hyunjin pulls out her phone and texts Chan.
Hyune
???Oppa
Innie doesn’t have a girlfriend right
He’d tell me, I think
Channie-oppa
Not that I know of
Hyune
ugh
okay >:(
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
A part of Hyunjin expects Felicity to disappear as soon as she appeared, quietly fade away and for Jeongin to never mention her again. He’s done this sort of thing with hookups before, but Hyunjin has fortunately never had the time to witness them in real time, only passing mentions when Jeongin was feeling particularly open. Despite this, and although she cannot place why, Felicity feels inherently different from the people Jeongin has described in his past; more fragile, more important.
Just as her inkling predicted, instead of dissipating into the ether, Felicity’s presence in their apartment increases in frequency. Her voice, in all its sweet smoothness, echoes through the hallways when Hyunjin is out of sight. It fades away when Jeongin locks them behind the confines of his bedroom, but it doesn’t stop Hyunjin from internalizing every word that she hears Felicity speak, cycling the voice in her brain like a broken record.
Hyunjin tries not to obsess over her, to think about her, but even when she’s meant to be working, her mind works itself back towards Felicity. She hardly gets enough time with Jeongin anymore to grill him about any more information about her, nor is Hyunjin confident enough to grab Felicity herself and establish that connection, but even as she poses and makes an expression towards the camera, her mind is utterly occupied with something other.
Felicity, and Jeongin, is there again when Hyunjin gets home that same evening, the pink sandals on their shoe rack more than telling. Resolute, and albeit lonely, Hyunjin tugs herself towards her own bedroom and throws her body across the red duvet, letting the sleep come to her and ignoring the scolding she’ll get if her manager finds out she slept with makeup still on.
Hours later, groggy and disheveled, Hyunjin pulls herself out of bed and fixes her clothes lazily, her dry throat aching in its desperation for water. Hyunjin guides herself through the hallway with her hands, refusing to turn the light on out of her own sheer stubbornness. Only once the water is in her hand does she feel cognizant again, her back resting against the kitchen counter.
Hyunjin’s eyes widen automatically when she hears a light shuffle in front of her, Felicity pausing in her tracks and looking up at Hyunjin with a sheepish expression. Hyunjin knew that she was small next to Jeongin, he has centimeters on her, but looking down at her now causes Hyunjin heart to patter in her chest, her eyes tracing everywhere from Felicity’s height to her narrow frame.
It occurs to her to stare closely at her clothing while they stand in silence, and while Felicity’s denim skirt is slightly askew and her pink hoodie is wrinkled, it’s not the vision that Hyunjin expected. Although her walls with Jeongin are not as thin as others, she’d be able to hear if they’d actually done anything. It’s strange for her to have heard nothing at all.
With Hyunjin’s confusion obscuring her mind, it comes as a shock when Felicity speaks to her directly. “Ayen-ah totally passed out,” she supplies with a shy, polite giggle, her eyes still not quite meeting Hyunjin’s. “He usually tells me to wake him up, but he’s worked hard enough for the night.”
“Right,” Hyunjin nods slowly, trying to place the blank puzzle pieces together. “Are you heading out now?” Hyunjin asks, although she finds herself cursing afterwards and praying that it doesn’t make her seem too eager for Felicity to leave, like she wants her gone.
“My roommate tends to worry,” Felicity nods in confirmation. “Goodnight, Unnie,” she says with a shy, overfamiliar sincerity that stabs Hyunjin straight through the chest. She’s called Unnie often, nearly daily online, but it’s never been uttered from pink, heart-shaped lips and cute brown-haired girls with infinite freckles. It’s different when Felicity speaks it, so different that Hyunjin feels her face grow warm all over and decides that she needs to escape this situation immediately.
“Goonight, Felicity,” Hyunjin replies back in haste. She places her glass in the sink recklessly, desperate not to allot the other girl any more attention before Hyunjin really, properly, embarrasses herself.
“Ah,” Felicity calls out, now from the doorway. One of her sandals is half on, her tiny, manicured fingers sliding the latches into place. “Call me Felix, Unnie. That’s what everyone uses,” she says smiling, blushing once more.
She’s gone before Hyunjin gets another chance to respond, all that’s left in her wake is the scent of coconut lingering behind her. Hyunjin puts one hand over her face and sighs, marching out of the kitchen and straight to Jeongin’s bedroom door.
He’s passed out, just as Felix said he would be, but instead of scattered blankets and sheets, Jeongin’s in his jeans and t-shirt with a textbook covering his face. Hyunjin thinks about it for a moment, just a few seconds, before she closes the door behind her and leaves him be.
Unfortunately, the thoughts of Felix never quite leave.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
Hyunjin likes her friends plenty, but she can easily admit that after hours at the studio, positioned into uncomfortable poses and too tight shoes, she wants nothing more than to go home and sleep for a few weeks. Despite her best interests, she knows that her absence will be noticed, and that they will all blow her phone up the second they realize she didn’t plan on coming.
Besides, Chan’s spent weeks trying to get them together, and Hyunjin doesn’t have it in her heart to disappoint him. Head held high and sunglasses over her face, Hyunjin walks into the restaurant and tries to ignore the overdressed feeling slithering underneath her skin. She finds their table easily, only because she can hear Changbin from across the room, and she easily slides into the vacant seat across from Chan and provides a gentle smile and wave to everyone as she gently removes the glasses from her face.
“You’re dressed up,” Changbin comments kindly, one hand clasped on Hyunjin’s shoulder as he sends her a wink.
Laughing, Hyunjin simply rolls her eyes and shrugs his hand off. “I came from work.”
Like sixth sense, as soon as Hyunjin looks up her eyes connect with Felix’s once more. Instead of the bashful glance away she always does, Felix gives her a meager smile before she greets the rest of the table. Hyunjin tries to look away when Felix reaches Chan and she wraps her arms around his neck and hugs him from behind, pressing a kiss against his cheek that he pretends to be disgusted with.
It occurs now to Hyunjin that everyone around her knows exactly who Felix is, that there isn’t a single person among her friends who is unfamiliar, or even surprised to see her. Felix slides into conversations like a tailored glove, teasing Jeongin and playfully bantering with Jisung. Hyunjin remains quiet, because while she’s not upset to see Felix there, there’s an uncomfortable, rotten feeling building up inside of her as she realizes that she is the only person who Felix isn’t clingy with, that she doesn’t teasingly touch across the table.
The frustration only lifts when Felix heads off to the bathroom and Hyunjin can glare at them all properly, her arms crossed over her chest and her nostrils flaring.
“Hyunjin-ah,” Chan begins, tone almost scolding. “You’re not jealous that you’re not the only girl anymore, are you?” Chan asks with hesitation, but Hyunjin feels her stomach lurch with the implication regardless.
“No,” she says firmly, with mild disgust and her nose scrunched. “I don’t care about that at all. I just…” Hyunjin begins to trail off, her voice fading as the feeling of shame begins to bloom. She suddenly feels childish about it all, petty that her friends haven’t introduced her properly, that they don’t seem to care at all about Hyunjin’s plight, her struggle.
“You just?” Chan responds in that pitying tone, his voice sympathetic and his eyes soft.
“It sucks that we aren’t…friends,” Hyunjin adds quietly, a sudden shyness coming over her. Despite the part of herself that expects them to laugh, they all give sympathetic nods. “All of you already know her, pretty fucking well apparently, and we’ve said maybe ten words to each other total. It sucks.”
“Yongbok-ah is the sweetest, Hyunjin,” Minho, of all people, supplies easily. “She’s very easy to get along with. Maybe you should just try.”
“He’s right,” Chan affirms with a nod. “We pretty much grew up together, she’s like a little sister to me, and she’s always been the kindest thing around. Just try introducing yourself.”
Hyunjin thinks about it for a moment, internalizes every bit of vague advice the boys give her, and decides that embarrassment will consume her before anything else. “No,” Hyunjin shakes her head and leans onto her elbows, ignoring any other attempts to appease her again.
Slowly, the conversation drifts back to the normal topics again, but it’s hard for Hyunjin to ignore Felix’s absence as the minutes tick by. There could be any number of reasons, but her mind fixates on Felix’s empty seat next to Jeongin, the scent of coconut slowly dissipating with each second. While Jeongin doesn’t appear too concerned, he’s locked into his phone and texting someone repeatedly, his expression dampening with each message that comes through. Before Hyunjin even gets a chance to properly stick her nose into his business, he’s sliding the phone into her hands, the text thread completely open.
Lixie
jeonginnnn
em er gen cy
please
send help
now
.I.N
????
?What’s wrong
Lixie
im bleeding out
://
my period came early
.I.N
oh
?Should I step out and buy you something
Lixie
NO
it’s okay,,,,
.I.N
Lix
?I’ll ask Noona okay
Lixie
YANG JEONGIN NO
A blush settles on Hyunjin’s face as reads through the messages, unsure of the next step forward. While Felix seems adamant that she doesn’t come, which stings like nothing else, she isn’t willing to let her bleed in the bathroom with no help.
Without attracting much attention, Hyunjin grabs her purse and slings it over the shoulder, her boots tapping against the restaurant floor with each step that she takes. She slips into the bathroom awkwardly, her hands fidgeting as she unlatches her purse and searches through all the miscellaneous items she’s shoved in there over the years, finally producing one pad and one tampon.
“Hey, Felix?” Hyunjin calls out softly, only to be met with a yelp from the farthest stall. “Do you have a preference?” Hyunjin asks
“Uhm,” Felix ponders for a moment, a few sniffles emerging from her. “A pad would be nice.”
Carefully, Hyunjin reaches above the stall door and drops it, praying that Felix has enough room to reach it. She contemplates whether to leave or stay as she hears the wrapper being torn, ultimately deciding to keep her position and check on Felix once she’s done. It's the polite thing to do.
It’s awkward, Hyunjin thinks, when Felix opens the door and finds her standing there, but there’s a cute smile on her face and Hyunjin finds herself falling in love with her white teeth, her perfect grin. “Thank you, Unnie,” Felix says as she moves towards the sink and rubs the soap into her hands. “You’re my hero,” she adds, giving Hyunjin the faintest wink before drying her hands.
Hyunjin tries to remain unaffected, but the word hero enters her mind without her consent, embedding itself into her brain and infecting every part of it. She imagines herself as Felix’s knight in shining armour, her saviour, and she envisions Felix expressing the sincerest of gratitude with her big eyes and red lips.
Desperate for composure, Hyunjin shakes her head and turns back to Felix, “Did you bleed through?”
She doesn’t expect Felix to turn and poke her butt out at her. “Did it?” she asks with a nervous edge, biting into her bottom lip as he turns around and tries to look herself.
Despite the utter truth that there is nothing there, Hyunjin shrugs off her leather jacket and passes it towards Felix with a smile. It's probably her favorite one, but she finds that she wouldn’t mind if Felix stole it and wore it everyday for the rest of her life. “Better safe than sorry,” Hyunjin shrugs, blinking slowly when she notices Felix's eyes flickering down from her face to her chest.
Embarrassed, Hyunjin adjusts her top until the cleavage is reduced. Felix’s own face is red, but she tugs Hyunjin’s jacket over her shoulders and twirls around in it for a moment, showing it off for Hyunjin. It’s big on Hyunjin, so it’s almost ridiculous on Felix, but Hyunjin realizes how much she loves the sight of her clothes on her.
“You should take my number down,” Hyunjin offers suddenly, handing Felix her phone before they’re out of the bathroom completely. It’s bold, but she feels empowered and strong when she looks down at Felix, tempted to twist her fingers into the soft, brown strands of her hair. She’s desperate to pull her Felix and inhale that coconut scent closely, but she reminds herself that at the very least Jeongin likes her, and Hyunjin’s goal should be to befriend her. “So we don’t have to communicate through Innie next time.”
“Sure,” Felix smiles timidly, taking Hyunjin’s phone between her fingers and tapping the screen delicately. Their hands brush when Felix hands it back to her, a shiver runs through Hyunjin’s skin at the same time. She wonders, not for the first time, if Felix will kill her with just a mere touch.
They walk back towards the table in silence, but Hyunjin feels elated regardless. It’s a small, simple step forward, but she put herself out there, interacted with Felix properly and didn’t make an utter fool of herself. She doesn’t have it in her to text first, but the sentiment persists, the intention remains, and Hyunjin can go home tonight and not feel like a coward.
The boys all have various jokes when they return to the table, Felix now sporting Hyunjin’s jacket and Hyunjin’s red, silk camisole now exposed, but she ignores their teasing and releases a content sigh. Her eyes glance towards Felix every couple of minutes or so, never quite enough to seem invasive or excessive. But, all of the guilts secretes from Hyunjin’s body when Felix looks back at her and smiles, that timidness slipping away.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
Hyunjin’s days off always consist of her lounging around and staring at the television mindlessly for hours. Occasionally, on the rare days where inspiration actually strikes, she’ll start another composition and work on it until her legs ache, but with no muse, nor interest, Hyunjin just tucks her socked feet underneath her thighs and tries to think of someone she can bother.
While she loves her career, loves being adored and admired, her schedule hardly aligns with any of her friends. Hyunjin often finds herself at odds in this way, busy or traveling when they begin their weekend plans, but completely bored during the week when everyone else is attending their regular jobs.
Half asleep, with her hand stuffed down a bag of crisps, a chime on her phone rustles Hyunjin.
Lixie
HI
Hyunjin Unnie~
I hope it’s okay that I am texting you
Hyunjin feels her breath stop in that moment, her body moving on its own and forcing herself to sit up, to look presentable. Felix can’t see her at all, but the principal of it has Hyunjin fondling her hair and undoing the tangled mess of a ponytail, only daring to reply when she’s absolutely positive that she looks decent. Maybe Felix can sense her effort through the screen, she wonders.
Hyunjin-Unnie
!Hi
!Of course it’s okay
?Is everything alright
Lixie
Yes~
But
I wanted to thank you for the other day!
By treating you to lunch :3
Hyunjin-Unnie
!Oh
.It’s no problem, Felix-ah! Please don’t worry about it
Lixie
But I want to :(
Hyunjin wants to argue back, she truly does, but even imagining Felix sad makes her want to throw up inside her mouth. She’ll never willingly admit to anyone that she folded so easily, but it’s no surprise to Hyunjin herself when she’s texting Felix back for a time and address, already making her way towards the shower before Felix is even done texting back.
As she gets dressed, tugging her boots on and choosing a blouse that accentuates her the best, Hyunjin tries to remind herself that she is, ultimately, attempting to befriend Felix. Her other feelings, whatever they may be, have no basis outside of the fact that Felix is pretty, and it’s abundantly clear that Hyunjin isn’t the only person who thinks this. Quietly, her mind goes back to Jeongin, their friendship that Hyunjin isn’t quite privy to, and Hyunjin reminds herself to have some tact. She looks nice for herself, her own sake, and if Felix happens to think so too then it’s just a bonus.
It’s difficult to maintain this resolve when Felix looks heaven sent as Hyunjin spots her from the entrance of the restaurant, the warmth of the very sun itself embedded on her face as she faces her, teeth gleaming as she smiles and waves. Hyunjin can’t help but stare at her outfit, the pink laces and frills that suit Felix so well, so prettily. She has her hair styled differently, the slightest side part in the brown strands, and she’s wearing a light pink blush with glossy, plump lips.
Hyunjin won’t admit to herself that she dressed up specifically for Felix, so that Felix can see that Hyunjin is just as fashionable and stylish as she is, that they’re a good, compatible match. She feels insane when she thinks it, but she feels like a young teenager all over again, begging for the other girls in her grade to like her for reasons she didn’t quite understand.
“Unnie,” Felix says with an uncharacteristic grumble. “What do you have to look so pretty for? Now I feel so underdressed,” Felix seems sincere when she says it, a bit anguished even, but there’s a pleasant grin on her face despite it all.
“Huh,” Hyunjin blinks at her, looking down at Felix. Against her will, her eyes glaze over the entirety of her and attempts to find a single thing out of place, a single anomaly, but Felix is perfection incarnate. “You look beautiful, Felix. What do you mean?”
“Oh,” Felix seems shocked when Hyunjin responds,” Thank you.” It's small, muttered underneath the heat of her breath and laced with a specific uncertainty and a keen shyness.
It’s in this silence that Felix leads them both into the restaurant, the door awkwardly held open as Hyunjin looms behind her and follows obediently. The height difference will be hard for Hyunjin to get used to, she realizes, and Hyunjin considers throwing out her heel collection to not make it any worse. Felix is so little all over, from her chest to her fingers to her face, and even her expressions are miniature, though dramatic and exaggerated despite it.
There’s a short wait before they’re seated and their drink orders are taken, punctuated by the solemn look on Felix’s face. It occurs to Hyunjin that she’s still thinking, pondering, and she begins to faintly wonder if she managed to upset her. “It’s just,” Felix finally speaks up again, nervously twirling a straw between her fingertips. “When we met, when Ayen-ah just brought me into your apartment and didn’t prepare me or anything, I was so…starstruck by you. You’re so pretty Unnie, it’s unreal. I was so scared to talk to you afterwards, I thought I would burst right into tears if you didn’t like me.”
“Felix,” Hyunjin's voice shakes when she speaks, unwarranted and mildly embarrassing, but she can hardly believe the words leaving her mouth, the fact that she found Hyunjin intimidating, yes, but pretty too.
“I know,” Felix groans, pressing her palms against her cheeks and smacking her hands against the skin. “Jeongin said that you were very sweet, all of the boys did, but I only managed to muster the courage a few days ago. I even thought that you were one of those girls who get all weird and threatened when their guy friends bring other women around, but I felt guilty for thinking that, you hadn't given me a reason to. I’m just really glad you’re nice, Unnie, I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t like me. You’re so sexy, and cool, I think it would hurt my feelings more than a regular person hating me.”
Hyunjin’s heart stops beating briefly with the admission from Felix. She feels a bead of sweat flirt with her browbone, her hands grow all clammy, her mouth becomes dry. She takes a sip from the water that she didn’t realize was placed in front of her before breathing easy again, giving Felix the best smile she can. She’s normal, she tells herself, and Felix won’t be the cause of her early death.
“I’d never hate you,” Hyunjin says stupidly, because she’s sure there’s some reason, in a distant alternate universe, where she could hate Felix. Yet, as they exist now, Hyunjin says it and means it, because the Felix in front of her is as pure as fresh sunlight peaking through the clouds in the morning, as the dew that slides down leaves after the storm has passed. Hyunjin hardly knows her, despite the fact that she wants to, but she knows she could never hate her. “I’m not like that, okay? I don’t care what kind of friends the guys have, it doesn’t bother me.”
Felix sucks a breath in after Hyunjin speaks to her, the blush on her face never leaving and her cheeks puffing out slightly. Before Hyunjin can make another move, Felix’s soft hands wrap around her wrist and Felix leans forward until her ribs begin to dig into the edge of the table. “That makes me so happy,” Felix replies, almost a whisper, and Hyunjin feels the skin underneath Felix’s touch begin to simmer, almost scolding. Felix is prettier up close too, those freckles sprinkled all over her skin, the shape of her lips and the curve of her nose. “I want to know you well, Unnie. I want to be really good friends, if we can.”
Hyunjin thinks a part of her soul escapes her the moment Felix utters the sweet words, her pink lips forming a cute pout. Her face seems to redden more when she releases Hyunjin from her grip, a sudden awareness creeping into her mind and enforcing the shyness Hyunjin would be an idiot to not notice. “I’d like that too, Lix-ah,” Hyunjin insists sincerely, nodding before leaning back towards Felix and grabbing her wrist instead. Her hands, larger and longer, wrap around the frail wrist with ease and Hyunjin desperately suppresses the tickle in her stomach. Instead, she taps her inner wrist with the edge of her red nail and Felix smiles back, a confidence emerging.
“Tell me about yourself, Unnie,” Felix insists, her eyes gleaming with curiosity, all bright and wide across her face.
Hyunjin’s heart flutters, and despite the clear desire in her heart to maintain the contact, she releases Felix and brings her hand back towards herself. It feels awkward to talk about herself, to speak as though it’s an interview, but Felix is curious and Hyunjin feels like bleeding. “I’m Hyunjin, twenty-five years old. I’m a freelance artist and a professional model, but there’s not really many things that are interesting about me.”
“Of course you’re a model,” Felix responds, glancing at Hyunjin as though she’s had an epiphany. “You dress so well, your legs are so long too. I bet you work with so many designers, they’re probably fighting each other trying to schedule you,” Felix says with a dreamy expression on her face, staring at Hyunjin as if she were gazing at someone famous.
It’s not rare for Hyunjin to be admired or complimented, but Felix isn’t a random designer trying to coerce Hyunjin into modeling for their brand, nor a drunk pervert at the bar trying to climb into her pants. Felix is just a sweetheart, as Chan and Jeongin have insisted upon continuously. Hyunjin almost feels like a creep for enjoying it so much, for the butterflies rustling in her stomach and her ever racing heart. “You don’t have to flatter me so much, baby,” Hyunjin winds up responding, shoving a stand of her dark hair behind her ear. “What about you?”
The blush that blossoms across Felix’s cheeks is ripe, the shade of a summer peach. The brightest smile emerges both radiant and captivating. Hyunjin fights the sudden urge that erupts. The one that tells her to press her lips against the peach, the radiance, and drink Felix’s grin entirely. She breathes in, then out, and tries to forget the very thought.
Hours seem to pass by in seconds while their conversation continues. Hyunjin internalizes everything that she can, tells herself that it’s because she wants to be a good friend, that she wants her connection with Felix to be strong, solid as brick. She learns that Felix is studying fashion, is preparing for her twenty-second birthday soon, that she grew up following Chan since she was toddler. She notes the unconscious things too, the way Felix gets all meek when she talks about coming to Korea and the decision to move, her difficulties and shyness when it comes to speaking the language. Hyunjin tells her that it’s fine, that she sounds good. If anything, Felix’s voice sounds too good; smooth and subtle, deep in a way that penetrates Hyunjin’s brain and makes her feel tingly all over.
Admittedly, Felix carries the conversation for this very reason, but she doesn’t seem to mind and Hyunjin never stops paying attention to her. In retrospect, she begins to wonder if she stared too hard, her eyes peering at Felix’s collarbones, her plump lips and white teeth. Her white top is cut too low, revealing a freckle right above her sternum, almost complementary to her barely existent cleavage. Throughout it all, Felix stared back, her fingers touching Hyunjin’s hands and wrists, her smile radiant.
Only when Hyunjin gets home that evening, Jeongin smiling at the dining table, a handful of noodles shoved in his mouth, does Hyunjin remember that she shouldn't get too excited about Felix. It’s not a crush, not yet, but Hyunjin knows that the flutters in her heart and stomach aren’t a good sign and she’s setting herself up for heartbreak.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
After that initial date, Hyunjin expects the familiarity with Felix to be consistent, maybe they’ll grab coffee sometime, but it’s as if the moment Felix establishes the connection, she begins to inch her way into every aspect of Hyunjin’s life. They text everyday, almost all day when Hyunjin isn’t busy, and Felix starts asking Hyunjin out more and more.
Hyunjin contemplates it for a long time, paces around her living room over and over, but with the courage of a lion, she presses send and invites Felix to her apartment for the day. She stares at the clothes gathered on her bed now, the project of cleaning out her drawers and closet long abandoned when she realized that years of modeling have left her with too many clothes. So much so that parting with them begins to feel like an extensive chore, leaving Hyunjin curled up on her mass of clothes with all hopes of progress abandoned.
Normally, she’d beg for Jeongin for help and keep begging until he agreed, but with his work schedule and classwork he seems harder to catch than ever. Felix is the easiest second choice: They’ve talked all morning, but Hyunjin feels all shy and embarrassed about the invitation, as if Felix would begin to find her strange and untoward. It’s worse when she realizes she basically invited Felix over to help her with chores and Hyunjin almost backs out at the last minute, but with a smile and hearteyes Felix insists that she’ll be right over.
Hyunjin blinks for a moment, stares at the pile of clothes she’s laying on and her own disheveled appearance and feels the blood begin to drain from her face. She starts simple, swaps her older sweatpants for newer ones, and instead of the stained hoodie she’s been sporting she pulls on a cute sweater. She brushes her hair enough to throw it into a braid down her back and puts enough makeup on her face to look presentable, but not so desperate that Felix will begin to wonder why she’s putting in effort to lay around at home all day.
Halfway through spraying herself with perfume, Hyunjin hears a knock on the door and her stomach drops. She looks at herself in the mirror once more, smooths out her outfit, and walks to let Felix inside.
She’s not as dressed up as she usually is, Hyunjin notices it immediately, but her oversized white sweater and pink shorts leave her with a cute look, bound to turn heads no matter what she does. Felix looks up to Hyunjin with her freckled face and beams at her, her arms moving upwards to wrap themselves around Hyunjin’s shoulders and her head buried awfully close to Hyunjin’s chest. Before Felix can pull away properly, Hyunjin returns the hug and squeezes Felix long enough to feel it but short enough to still feel normal, slowly peeling herself away and setting Felix back down onto her feet.
“Hi Unnie!” Felix says sweetly, inviting herself inside and sliding her sandals off at the front door. Hyunjin wonders what it says about herself that she notices Felix’s pedicured feet immediately, white toes peaking out as they make their way towards Hyunjin’s bedroom. “I’m here to help,” Felix tells Hyunjin sincerely, her fingers moving to card their hands together.
“You really don’t have to,” Hyunjin finds herself blushing then, struggling to make eye contact between Felix’s hand grasping hers and her own rush of embarrassment. “You don’t need to do my chores for me, Felix.”
“Unnie,” Felix cuts her off then, pulling Hyunjin’s hand up and pressing her lips along the knuckles, once then twice. “You’re so cool, Unnie. I want to help, I really wanna help,” Felix continues, almost whining, and Hyunjin suppresses the flutter it sends in the pit of her stomach.
Once she is there Felix easily takes the lead on the project, rifling through Hyunjin’s closet as though she owns it. Without a word from Hyunjin she begins to sort everything into piles, the keeps, sells, and donations clear from just the items placed within them. Every once in a while she’ll hold up something she’s unsure of, measuring Hyunjin’s decision, but she’s far more fascinated with staring at Felix work than whatever she’s doing to her wardrobe.
“Lix-ah,” Hyunjin calls out to her when she notices Felix’s eyes gleaming at a baby blue sweater, one she probably hasn’t worn in years. “You can keep things too, if you’d like. I can get it tailored for you if it doesn’t fit too,” Hyunjin offers out of a combination of faux-politeness and pure, unabashed desire to see Felix in her clothes more often.
“Really, Unnie?” Felix looks back up at her with pools of light in her eyes, the smile embedded on her lips cute and charming. There’s the slightest hint of her teeth against the gloss, digging into the flesh as Felix squeals and starts looking through the piles again. “Is there anything you definitely want for yourself, Unnie? I don’t want to be selfish,” she adds once the delight begins to wear down.
Calmly, succinctly, Hyunjin shakes head no and finally stands up to help get some of the clothes sorted. She hears Felix rustling a bit while her back faces her, but she keeps herself laser-focused, locked into the task in front of her.
Hyunjin turns around from her folding just for a second, a question for Felix lingering on the edge of her tongue, only her mind to completely blank when she turns around to find Felix topless. Hyunjin hates herself for it, turns her head immediately and squeezes her eyes shut to fight the rising blush, but once Felix’s chest enters her line of sight it is forever hopeless.
She breathes in once, thinks about the freckles that litter her skin, the way they migrate around her breasts so neatly. She breathes out and tries to forget the shade of Felix’s nipples, dusty rose if she had to guess, and the way each of her breasts was tempting for Hyunjin to hold. Faintly, Hyunjin imagines the feeling of her skin underneath her fingers, the goosebumps spreading with each heated touch.
This feeling becomes undeniable then, the way Felix’s presence enters her mind and occupies every crevice, every centimeter. Hyunjin feels warm all over from just the sight, her breathing staggering just a bit as she realizes that she cannot forget what she saw no matter how hard she tries, and how much of a pervert she feels for it.
“Sorry,” Felix says from behind her. Before Hyunjin can blink Felix comes to kneel in front of her, now with a tank top covering her chest. Despite the layer of fabric, it’s sheer, and Hyunjin can still make out the soft swell of her chest without even trying. “I change in front of my sisters all the time, I’m sorry if I scared you,” Felix says with her big eyes glazed over, her teeth biting into her bottom lip. Pervertedly, Hyunjin likes the way her face shifts now, but the kind part of her wants to reach out and cup Felix’s sweet cheeks, kiss away all of that guilt she’s feeling.
“It’s okay, baby,” Hyunjin smiles at her, her heart beating faster when Felix’s shamed expression switches to something bashful. Her arm moves reluctantly, subtle movements until her hand comes to rest atop Felix’s head. Her fingers comb through the softness of her hair and the brown strands tangle between her fingertips. Something within her runs warm, vibrant with the touch, and each moment Hyunjin finds herself slipping a little deeper. “You just caught me off guard.”
Felix simply smiles at her again and rests the point of her chin in Hyunjin’s lap. Briefly, Hyunjin believes she’s imagining Felix’s head push further up into her hand, but it’s real and she can feel the nuzzle.
She misses the contact the moment Felix lifts her head again. Wordlessly, she migrates around the room as though she’s always belonged there and starts pulling on clothes again. This time, she gives Hyunjin ample warning, but all it does is breed new thoughts, ravenous ones. She cannot see Felix’s body, but her imagination creates illusions in the absence, clear vivid depictions of her thighs, her hips, and Hyunjin’s fingers grazing each.
Despite the overwhelming nature of Hyunjin’s mind, Felix never seems to notice anything at all.
In an effort of self-control, Hyunjin averts her eyes away from Felix and toward her phone. She figures Felix would be hungry and she knows her well enough by now to know that Felix would want pizza. It’s a surprise, Hyunjin tells herself.
“You know,” Felix says halfway through her meal later in the evening, fingertips covering her mouth as she finishes chewing. “Jisungie and I have very similar birthdays.”
“I didn’t,” Hyunjin answers simply, though not without a modicum of shame. She should know Felix’s birthday. She should know everything about her.
“Oh,” Felix exhales, eyelashes fluttering briefly. “Well, I’m sure he invited you to his party, but it’s also my party, I’ve commandeered it. I know you’ll be there anyway, but I wanted to personally invite you. That way, you’re there for me and Jisung.”
There are moments when Felix is difficult to read, where every emotion on her face that seems transparent feels laced with another layer. It’s difficult to penetrate that thin gauze, find the hidden meaning when she is otherwise clear. “I’ll try and make it,” Hyunjin smiles at her, holding her fingers hostage when they yearn to graze Felix’s cheek. It would be so simple to caress her skin, but Hyunjin holds her politeness and her smile.
“I’ll be out of town, but I’ll take the earliest flight I can,” Hyunjin reassures Felix, earning the brightest squeal and hug that the smaller woman could muster. Hyunjin’s breath escapes from her body as Felix is pressed against her skin and her perfume rises to her nostrils. Slowly, Hyunjin lowers her chin until she presses it against Felix’s head and places the palm against her scalp.
She thinks the separation, though brief, might kill her.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
Hyunjin is sweaty when she finally steps off of the plane. From the disheveledness of her hair and the exhaustion she feels in her limbs, she seriously considers not going to Felix’s birthday party. It’s hard to justify in her mind, because every part of her wants to see Felix, to celebrate her, but she’s also utterly positive that Felix will be far too busy to notice Hyunjin’s absence.
The guest list isn’t short, if anything it’s far too long, and Hyunjin is certain that all of their shared friends will be there. She doesn’t need to go, she repeats this in her brain over and over on her way home, but as soon as her feet step into her apartment, the guilt of not seeing her erupts again. Something deep within Hyunjin insists that she needs to see her now, whether Felix cares or not.
Hyunjin takes the quickest shower she possibly can, washing off hours of sweat and travels down into the drain. Her hair is a mess, nearly an unsolvable one, but Hyunjin starts brushing diligently and hopes for the best when it’s time to start her makeup. It’s not her best work, nor her best outfit, but she’s out of the door in twenty-five minutes and speed-walking towards the venue, too determined to not dwell on how ridiculous she feels.
There’s already a healthy gathering formed when Hyunjin enters, so much so that she feels anxious as she wades through the crowd and tries to find someone, anyone, that she actually knows. It’s amazing for Felix to have so many friends already, when she’s only been in the country for a few months, but Hyunjin quickly considers how fast their own friendship has grown, she can only imagine how close Felix is with the other people she’s met.
It’s fortunate that while the music is loud, Changbin is louder, and Hyunjin can easily wade her way through the bodies she doesn’t recognize and slide herself into Changbin’s side. She wraps one arm around his neck in greeting, pressing her cheek against his before releasing him. “Hi Oppa,” Hyunjin smiles, looking over to see Chan incoming from the other side. “It’s good to see you.”
“Hyunjin-ah,” Changbin greets her easily, a grin etched onto his face and one arm still wrapped around Hyunjin’s waist. “Lix was looking for you earlier.”
“Really?” Hyunjin’s head tilts as she says it, though the question is left unanswered when Chan envelops her instead, pale arms squeezing her tight and rocking her back and forth.
“Thank god you came,” Chan says to Hyunjin with a tone of relief, his body relaxing in real time. “God, Lixie would’ve been inconsolable,” Chan insists, squeezing Hyunjin’s shoulders once more before releasing her with a smile.
“Me?” Hyunjin feels her eyebrow raise when he says it, reaffirming Changbin’s assertion too, and confusion begins to make itself apparent in the back of her mind. “There’s so many people here, I doubt she noticed.”
“You’d think, right?” Changbin says, almost with an annoyed tone, earning a side glance from Chan.
“I went overboard with the invitations,” Chan explains, his voice dampening down, glancing at the bodies surrounding them. “But I wanted her to have a nice birthday, you know? She’s my little baby and it’s the first time I’ve been able to celebrate with her for years. I wanted it to be extravagant, but she’s definitely overwhelmed.”
Hyunjin, though she’s still far across the room, can see how many people are surrounding Felix on all sides, how many conversations she’s carrying at once. It’s unsurprising for Chan to make such an error, because while he’s always well-intentioned, the execution doesn’t always quite deliver. Regardless, Hyunjin wraps her arm around his neck and hugs him instead. “You know she won’t mind, right?”
“Still,” Chan sighs into Hyunjin’s shoulder.
“I’ll go find her,” Hyunjin offers for her own benefit more than Chan’s, her desire to see Felix increasing with each second that passes. A part of her finds it too good to be true, that Felix genuinely asked around looking for her, but Chan and Changbin have no good reason to lie to her.
Hyunjin thinks she hears Changbin call out to her, his hand on her arm for a moment, but she slips through the crowd with ease and pushes herself past the masses. Her height once again remains her advantage, able to easily glance over the heads of bodies and locate Felix. There’s a man Hyunjin has never seen before speaking to Felix as she reaches her, one of his hands nearly touching the side of her waist, and Hyunjin feels a frustration never realized before surge up inside of her.
Calmly, never to make a scene, Hyunjin wraps an arm around Felix’s waist and pulls her backwards closer into her chest. She smiles to herself when his arm falls in real time, the smile trickling off of his face into a disgusted frown.
“Hi baby,” Hyunjin averts her attention away from him and stares down at Felix, warmth filling her stomach when Felix stares back at her as though she were the moon itself. Before Hyunjin even realizes it’s happening, Felix is turning around in her grip and wrapping her arms around Hyunjin’s waist, burying her face into her chest.
“Unnie,” Felix looks up towards her now, her lipstick and mascara smudged and the crown on her head tipped to the side. Despite being slightly disheveled, Felix looks beautiful in her baby blue dress, her face and eyes dusted with purple. Felix looks at Hyunjin standing right in front of her, as if she could disappear completely in a matter of seconds. “Unnie,” Felix repeats again, moving her hands up to Hyunjin’s shoulders and wrapping her fingers around her neck.
“Happy Birthday,” Hyunjin smiles down at her, fingers tingling where they clasp onto Felix’s waist. She digs her thumbs into her skin subconsciously, relishing in the feeling of her soft fabric underneath her fingertips. “I heard you missed me?”
“You’re late,” Felix’s voice is soft when she says it, hardly any real contempt, and she practically melts into Hyunjin’s chest again. She smells lovely, the scent of her shampoo and perfume wafts up and towards Hyunjin’s nose, nearly suffocating.
“It’s only thirty minutes,” Hyunjin steps back for her own sake and Felix releases her, her hands falling down but clinging to Hyunjin’s forearms instead. She can’t possibly ascertain what Felix is thinking at that moment, but she stares at Hyunjin with such desperation, with such pretty eyes. Against her best judgement, Hyunjin places her fingertips along her waist and drags Felix closer, their torsos pressed flush against the other. “I’m sorry,” Hyunjin eventually concedes, the strangest urge to press a kiss atop Felix’s forehead overcoming her.
“It’s okay,” Felix murmurs into her skin, squeezing Hyunjin once, then twice, before looking up at her and placing her fingertips along her chin. “I want you to meet some of my friends,” Felix insists, releasing her grip on Hyunjin to slide their hands together.
Dazed under the dimly lit venue and the music, Hyunjin just nods her head and follows Felix accordingly, never allowing her out of her sight. Only after they’re gone does Hyunjin remember that Felix was with someone before she interrupted, and although the curiosity is morbid, Hyunjin can’t help but ask the question, “Who was that guy you were talking to?”
For a moment Felix keeps walking, their hands still clasped together, and Hyunjin begins to wonder if Felix didn’t hear her after all, but all of a sudden Felix is pausing to look up at Hyunjin again, a sloppy grin on her face. “Unnie,” Felix begins in a breathy voice, sultry as she cups her mouth and leans up to Hyunjin’s ear. “You look so sexy,” she exhales, giggling, pressing a kiss against Hyunjin’s shoulder.
Hyunjin’s face feels warm when the words slip from Felix’s mouth, chills creep up her arms, up her spine, traveling underneath her skin. Felix’s tongue rests against the edge of her front teeth, pink on pink as it lightly brushes the shine of her lips. Reeling herself back in, the hand holding Felix’s own squeezes her palm, and Hyunjin repeats herself. “Who was he?”
Her smile slips off of her lips then, the tiniest of pouts on her lips and sorrow in her eyes. “My ex-boyfriend,” Felix confesses then, the playfulness easing out of her so suddenly that Hyunjin immediately regrets asking. “We broke up a while ago, not on bad terms. He doesn’t understand why I don’t want him,” Felix explains with the faintest solemn, somber note, her body growing defensive as her hand falls from Hyunjin’s. Her shoulders are stiff. Her lips are pulled taut. She’s fidgeting with her hands and avoiding eye contact in obvious fashion.
“Can I ask?” Hyunjin finds herself murmuring, unsure if she should question it at all.
Felix stares at her with a look of surprise, the faintest of smiles returning to her lips, and she simply lets her eyelashes press flush against her cheeks. Hyunjin worries for a moment, her hands instinctively rise to grip Felix’s shoulders, but then her arms are full of her girl again and everything begins to feel alright in the world. “I want to dance with you,” Felix says when the embrace ceases. Then she's pulling Hyunjin off to the dancefloor and the last remnants of their conversation disappear into the air.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
Later in the evening, when everything had dwindled down and the guests began to trickle out slowly, it suddenly went without saying that Hyunjin and Felix’s night wouldn’t end so early. It was a struggle to get to Hyunjin’s apartment admittedly, a few drinks stretched between the both of them, but all of it’s worth it when Hyunjin sees Felix across from her, her legs crossed over the other as she sips at her mug.
“I didn’t get you a gift,” Hyunjin realizes suddenly, halfway through her hot chocolate. Felix doesn’t seem to mind at all, her legs merely swinging as she sits on the edge of the counter, but the feeling of guilt ripens in Hyunjin immediately.
“You are my gift, Unnie,” Felix says in between sips, holding out a hand for Hyunjin to hold. “You took an earlier flight to come back in time for my birthday, that’s enough of a gift,” Felix sounds so sweet as she speaks, sacchirine and velvet all over.
“Do you want anything?” Hyunjin finds herself asking, her fingers clasping Felix’s and playing with her smaller ones. If it were anyone else, Hyunjin thinks she’d be embarrassed by the size of her hands, but Felix’s existence makes Hyunjin feel so nice about herself, warm and gooey all over.
“Hmm,” Felix pretends to think for a moment, once again bringing Hyunjin’s hand up to her mouth and pressing a kiss against the knuckles, then another. Hyunjin watches in silence as Felix unwinds their fingers and presses Hyunjin’s thumb against her mouth, flush against her lips, and licks along the edge of her fingernail. “A kiss, please?” she says as she releases the hand, slotting their fingers together.
Hyunjin wonders if she’ll truly regret it later, but for now she can’t help the way her hand trickles down Felix’s stomach as their lips slot together, the weight of Felix’s tongue heavy against hers. She’s so sweet, Hyunjin could lick into her forever if she could, chart her way through her mouth and never find any other purpose in life.
Felix’s skin is warm where Hyunjin holds her, radiating despite being underneath her dress, and somehow only growing warmer the further and further Hyunjin’s fingers travel. Her touch moves from Felix’s flushed cheeks downwards, Hyunjin rests both her hands against her waist and drifts lower to the crease between her thigh and stomach, drinking in every small whimper that escapes from Felix’s throat into her own.
Hyunjin fights everything in herself to remain respectful, but Felix is pulling her in little by little, her kiss growing sloppier the more that Hyunjin presses inwards. When they part lips for a moment, mouths connected by a string of saliva bridging them and Felix’s face flushed pink with hazy eyes, Hyunjin realizes that there’s so much she wants to do to her, and as long as Felix allows it there’s very little to stop her.
As their lips connect again, Felix’s dress hiked up to her waist and her panties just underneath Hyunjin’s fingertips, Hyunjin thinks about how she wants to push her down and slide her fingers in slowly, draw out every moan that she can. She thinks about the taste of Felix against her tongue, her wetness trickling down Hyunjin lips and down onto her chin. She thinks about consuming every inch of her body, kissing, suckling, drinking in every bit of Felix until Hyunjin can never hope to forget the taste of her on her tongue.
Felix is wet when Hyunjin presses her finger against the fabric of her underwear, pure, unadulterated heat radiating from the center. Felix whines with the faintest of touches, presses her small hand into Hyunjin’s hair and tugs at her scalp, the pain only encouraging Hyunjin to lick further into her mouth, to press harder against her core. She’d do anything to finger Felix now, feel her pussy constrict along her fingers and taste the orgasm as she breaches her with her tongue, but the counter is far too uncomfortable and Hyunjin respects her far too much to leave her there squirming.
Easily, Hyunjin lifts Felix until her ankles wrap around her waist. Felix giggles into her skin then, keeps her arms strong around Hyunjin’s neck and Hyunjin finds herself almost too eager to place her atop her bed. Hyunjin stands there for a moment, staring Felix as she lays down with her stockings rolled down to her knees and her dress hiked up to her waist. Her face looks so flush, so sweet, and Hyunjin almost feels malicious when she descends upon her.
But, as soon as she feels Felix’s flesh beneath her fingertips, those thoughts are very easy to drive away.
Hyunjin kisses her again, softly, just enough to feel it, and places one hand along her jaw. Felix whines into it so softly, each sound she makes so serene, and Hyunjin can’t help but pull the straps of her dress down until the swells on her chest are exposed completely. “You’re so cute, Lix-ah,” Hyunjin tells her in between lips pressed against her skin.
“Touch me,” Felix whispers to her as Hyunjin travels up her neck, each nip more forceful than the one before. Felix groans with each one, her body moving outside of her control. “Please?”
Without another word, Hyunjin obliges her request. Her hand slips down slowly, just against the band of her underwear, while her other cups Felix’s chest. She digs into her nipples softly, feeling the pink nub budding underneath her fingertip. Hyunjin tries not to indulge, but each movement of Felix’s body, each moan dripping off of her tongue like honey, and she slips her mouth around her areola.
Hyunjin remains cautious with her hand, playing with Felix just enough to feel the heat, the wetness, but not eager just yet. Felix is so hungry for the touch, her hips grind down to chase Hyunjin’s fleeting touches while her chest rises with each suck against her nipple. Carefully, gently, Hyunjin slides her finger along her folds until she finds the clit and presses down just enough.
“Unnie,” Felix whines into the air, voice raspy as her breathing labors.
“I’m here,” Hyunjin tells her softly before the rhythm commences, soft touches against Felix’s molten core as mewls spill out of her mouth. There’s a natural grind to her hips with each movement that Hyunjin makes, wetness growing in the seams of her slit and leaving Hyunjin’s hand and Felix’s thighs sticky all over.
She doesn’t expect Felix to come so soon, but Hyunjin knows that one moment her finger is circling her clit and the next she feels Felix’s legs clamp down onto her hand, tears spilling from the edges of her eyes as she huffs out small apologies again and again and again.
Hyunjin finds it cute, so fucking cute, and she kisses her through it.
She waits for a moment, gauges Felix’s energy, her excitement, but the second Hyunjin pulls her hand away Felix is whining, pouting at her with her huge eyes. “You want me to finger you, baby?” Hyunjin whispers into her ear, one finger edging against her entrance. “You want Unnie’s fingers in you? Want me to fuck you?”
“Yes,” Felix’s rasps, grinding down into the hand that holds her hostage. “Please Unnie.”
Felix is infinitely warm when Hyunjin’s middle finger enters her slowly, the wall of her pussy accommodating her so easily, gliding so well that Hyunjin could cry. Felix gasps with the breach, wiggles her hips with the slightest discomfort, but she looks at Hyunjin with a smile and she kisses her through the sweat gathering across her lip.
Hyunjin adds a second finger in the midst of the kiss, slowly increasing her rhythm and angling into her until Felix gasps into it, digs her teeth into her lips and grinds her hip downwards again and again. No matter how badly she wants to increase her pace, have Felix gasping and screaming, she keeps it slow and steady, easing her up to it.
“You’re so small, Lix-ah,” Hyunjin tells her sweetly, slowly teasing out the ever-increasing moans. “I can’t believe it, yeah? How good you feel? How much I want to taste you?” Hyunjin whispers into her ears, spreading her fingers out and smiling when Felix’s mouth opens and nothing slips out, just eyes closing and her core squeezing tighter against the stretch.
It’s so easy to tell when Hyunjin finally finds it, the way Felix’s body convulses and weak little pleas slip out from her mouth, falling onto deaf ears as Hyunjin presses again, again. She drinks up every bit of the moment she can, the taste of Felix nipple against her tongue, the symphonic moans in her ears, the smell of coconut in her nostrils. “Can you come for me Lix-ah?” Hyunjin asks her, begs her, and she can feel the moment Felix loses every bit of control and collapses onto Hyunjin’s hand, her breathing staggering as she slowly comes down from the high.
With every bit of her still sane mind, Hyunjin slips her hand from the wet panties and places the two fingers into her mouth. She tastes the flavor of Felix on her tongue and savors every last drop, memorializing it as the last time this will ever happen.
Felix is asleep before Hyunjin can get a chance to say goodnight, but she cleans her up regardless and peels the dirty clothes off of her body before lying down herself. She tries to stay awake long enough so that the moment doesn’t slip away, but before long Hyunjin drifts off to slumber, a brown-haired girl persistent even within the confines of her dream.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
It’s difficult to gather her bearings when Hyunjin finally blinks open her eyes, disorientation cruising through her. There’s a distinct taste on her tongue, mouth unbrushed from the night before and teeth still fuzzy. She can see the sunlight trickling in from her curtain, still early morning, but it’s only when she turns around does the night before begin to trickle in.
Felix is already awake, though the blanket is pulled up to her eyes and Hyunjin is forced to stare directly into that roundness. She thinks she stops breathing then, memories of her fingers inside of Felix, her tongue and teeth nipping at her skin, she thinks of every sound that Felix made and that Hyunjin relished in. It’s a sickening feeling as much as it is an arousing one, but above all else guilt nestles firmly in the heart of Hyunjin’s chest, the feeling of control lost is a violent one.
“Felix,” Hyunjin puffs out, tripping and choking on her words as her tongue rests heavy in her mouth. “I’m so, so-”
“Don’t be,” Felix interrupts, the blanket falling off of her face and revealing the freckles littered on her cheeks. Her hair is disheveled slightly, pointing in different directions, and when Hyunjin’s eyes drift downwards it’s easy to see that she’s still shirtless, braless. “I had so much fun, Unnie, really. Don’t be sorry, I’ll start feeling all bad,” Felix finishes with rosy cheeks, a smile etched into her face.
It takes Hyunjin a second to take it all in, to listen to Felix’s words and internalize them, to stop her still persistent urge to apologize. She breathes inwards, holds the air in her lungs for a second, then another.
“Have you ever done this before?” Hyunjin finds herself asking, regret beginning to stew and simmer. There’s something gnawing at the back of her brain in the aftermath, a slick voice whispering into Hyunjin’s ears, a guilt brewing like a storm in her gut. She doesn’t take a moment to contemplate what she’ll do if Felix hasn’t.
Felix pauses then, her breath stalling.“No,” Felix answers after a stretch of silence, the smile faltering as her teeth dig into her bottom lip.
“Not at all?” Hyunjin reiterates, her heart beating faster in her chest at the implication. She tries to maintain her composure as she sits up and rests her back against her headboard, but every time she looks towards Felix the anxiety resurfaces again.
“Nope,” Felix answers with nervous, hesitant laughter. The blanket begins to creep up her cheeks again, her voice begins to sound faint, distant, far away.
Hyunjin’s mind flickers back to her own first time, just as unromantic, unfeeling, and a certain sickness courses its way through her veins. Her own desire comes back up to haunt her, a wound in the center of her heart. She worries what kind of person she is, what she’s become. Hyunjin wonders when her rationality began to seep out of her, how she could so easily act on her impulses.
“Are you mad at me?” Felix’s voice, still small, cuts through her thoughts like a blade. She’s sitting up now too, the blanket pulled up to her neck still, and she stares back at Hyunjin with glazed over eyes.
“No,” Hyunjin is able to answer without thinking, she’s mad at herself more than anything. “I’d never be mad at you, Felix. I just don’t think that we should’ve, or that I should’ve-”
“Oh,” Felix answers then with a soft noise, her voice failing her completely now.
“That doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy it,” Hyunjin asserts, quick to redirect. She doesn’t think she could take it if Felix began to cry. Especially not if Hyunjin was the person who caused it. “Just that I should have been more responsible with you.”
“Because you took my virginity?” Felix asks, her voice suddenly leveling again. In the months since they first met, Hyunjin thinks that she’s gotten to know Felix relatively well and can read her better than most. Unfortunately, this moment leaves her puzzled as she realizes she can’t pick up whatever Felix is feeling, whatever is going through her head.
“Yes,” Hyunjin clarifies, her eyes finding sudden interest in her bedsheets in an attempt to avoid meeting Felix’s gaze.
“But I wanted you to,” Felix tells Hyunjin directly, allowing the blanket to fall as she leans over into her. Hyunjin hesitates when she feels thin arms wrap around her body, the softness of Felix's small breasts pressed against her own chest and her nipples pressed against her skin, just budding. Against the cautious alarms in her brain, Hyunjin wraps her arms around Felix’s waist and accepts it when she climbs into her lap. “I hope we can still be friends, Unnie,” Felix whispers into Hyunjin’s ear, hands wrapped around her neck as her thighs rest atop hers. “I’m really sorry, I should've told you.”
Absently, Hyunjin acknowledges that this isn’t necessarily friendly behavior. She can still taste Felix on her tongue, can feel every part of her chest, can still see bruises and bites that she left the night before. Hyunjin can feel the warmth from Felix’s vagina above her own crotch; she’s still naked after all. So really, this doesn’t seem friendly at all. “Of course we’re still friends,” Hyunjin smiles up at Felix then, bringing her palms to cup her cheeks.
Hyunjin’s worry persists and the guilt still festers, but the smile that Felix returns seems to fix everything wrong with the world, even if for just a moment.
For a second Felix parts her lips to say something, but the unmistakable sound of the front door opening reaches both of their ears simultaneously. While Felix seems a bit bashful more than anything else, Hyunjin’s heart begins to race steadily. She doesn’t know how she managed to forget about Jeongin, the clear feelings they both share for each other.
“Get dressed, baby,” she tells Felix without another thought, moving the smaller woman off of herself. Hyunjin grips her own head for a moment, carelessly untangles the knots that have grown in her hair with her fingers, and wonders how she’ll eventually be able to explain this to him.
“Noona?” Jeongin’s voice rattles from the other side of the door, gentle knuckles making the faintest sound against the wood. “Are you home? Is Felix with you?”
Hyunjin inhales for a moment, cuts her eyes to Felix still sliding her dress up her shoulders. She stares at the two hickies along her neck, the beginnings of bruising indicative in her skin. There’s more along her shoulderblades, her thighs, and Hyunjin begins to feel as though she’s lost herself all over again.
Finally, she calls back out to Jeongin, “She just woke up, Ayen-ah.”
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
If Hyunjin had to explain her relationship to Felix to anyone, she’d explain that they’re still really close; closer than ever. It’s cold now in November, so they’ve been meeting up in cozy cafes and drinking tea and hot chocolate and warm soups. Felix’s winter wardrobe is just as cute, leg warmers and cute wool stockings to keep her toasty, while Hyunjin has traded in her more fashionable jackets for thicker ones until it finally warms up again.
Despite the time they spend together, the one thing that remains undiscussed between them is that one night. It was slightly awkward for the first couple of weeks, Hyunjin constantly on edge, waiting for Felix to say something, but the tension came and went and for now Hyunjin truly believes that it’s past them. They’ll never have to discuss this again.
In the haze since they slept together, Hyunjin has had a much harder time defining her feelings. It felt like a considerable crush for the longest time, something that she could get over the longer and harder she thought about it, but it’s different now. She still wants her, more than she did before, but as far as Hyunjin knows Felix is interested in Jeongin. Their night together might’ve been just for experience, because Hyunjin knows that Felix trusts her more than anyone. The thought stings a little, a lot actually, but Hyunjin is glad that Felix trusts her, loves her.
Admittedly, Hyunjin is more excited to see Felix, who she sees everyday, than the rest of their friends. The boys are lovely, they make her laugh when she’s feeling down, and really Hyunjin doesn’t know who she’d be without them. Regardless of this fact, spending time with Felix has made her realize just how much she’s needed someone like her in her life. Similar to her in many ways, but different too.
It’s with her mind still on Felix that she brings her hand up to knock on Chan’s door, a can of beef dangling from her fingertips as a peace offering for being late. She’s not surprised when it’s Changbin who comes to answer it, a beaming smile on his face as he picks her up and spins her, “Hi Hyunnie.”
“Hi Oppa,” Hyunjin smiles at him when she’s back on her feet. She makes a point to smooth out the collar of his shirt before she pushes past him and walks toward the kitchen table, her eyes searching for Felix only to find Jisung and a pizza now raised up to her mouth. “Sung-ah,” Hyunjin greets before biting, ignoring the distaste on the back of her tongue.
“Noona,” Jisung’s tone becomes scolding then, his head shaking as he reaches down to open one can. “You’re late, so late, Noona.”
“I’m really not that late,” Hyunjin rolls her eyes as Jisung pushes her lightly, throwing her arms around his shoulders. “Forgive me? Forgive me Sungie? Please?”
Jisung seems to fight for all of five seconds before conceding and melting into the shallow hug. “We already chose the movie,” Jisung explains as he grabs a bowl of popcorn from the counter. “Horror, Minho-hyung’s choice.”
“He’s cruel,” Hyunjin laughs to herself before quieting down and assessing the best positioning of the couches. Changbin is sat alone on the two seater, one hand patting the cushion next to him. Chan, Minho, and Jisung are stretched across the floor. Seungmin sits on the opposite end of the couch, with Jeongin in the middle of him and Felix. Briefly, Hyunjin makes a singular movement towards Changbin, but Felix’s hand ends up finding hers and it’s easy enough to change her mind.
It’s a tight squeeze, Felix’s legs are stretched across Jeongin’s lap and on the brink of touching Seungmin, but she makes a point to make enough room. Hyunjin gets a second of space before Felix’s upper body is laying across her lap, her head draping across her thighs. She looks cute even in the dim lighting, lips shiny with gloss and cherry clips holding her hair out of her eyes.
“Hi baby,” Hyunjin whispers to her, resting her fingers on Felix's scalp. Regardless of what she planned on saying, Felix seems to melt into her then.
Hyunjin finds it hard to concentrate on the film with Felix’s body against hers, her hands focused on the feeling on her hair underneath her fingertips. Her skin remains soft, that coconut scent wafts back up to her with each stroke of her scalp. Unfortunately, her concentration on Felix’s scent above everything else leaves her utterly confused when she feels Felix shaking atop her lap, the palms of her hands pressed against her eyes, peaking every once in a while and instantly regretting the action.
Only then does Hyunjin begin to actually pay attention to the movie on the screen, a bloodied man with an axe chases the protagonist at a slow pace. For a moment it seems like she’ll escape, but then the axe is in her head and there’s a sob erupting from Felix.
Gently, Hyunjin turns her inwards until her face points toward her stomach instead. She presses her palm against the ear pointing upwards for good measure, holding Felix there until the film finally ends. The boys seem a little frazzled, small murmurs emerging as they start to choose the next film for the evening, but even with the latter half of the film missed, Felix still seems scared. When Hyunjin finally pulls her up her eyes are glazed over and her lips are red with teeth indents.
“Are you alright, Lix-ah?” Hyunjin whispers to her then, sliding her eyes across the room and ensuring the rest of the group aren’t paying too much attention. “Baby?”
“Can you ask them to choose something fun?” Felix leans forward and whispers into Hyunjin’s ear, her head leaning against hers. “Maybe animated?” she asks again, a little quieter.
“Can we watch a cartoon or something?” Hyunjin asserts while Changbin sifts through the options, worry blooming when she sees him on the brink of choosing another horror movie. “I’m going to pee myself if we watch horror again. Just saying.”
“You?” Changbin laughs then, loud. “Or Yongbokkie?”
“I’m fine with whatever you want to watch Oppa,” Felix smiles at him kindly before tucking herself back into Hyunjin’s shoulder, face buried so deep she can feel her breaths on her shoulder.
“I’m not,” Hyunjin interjects softly, rubbing her hand along the expanse of Felix’s back, and dragging her knuckles across her spine. “Disney, please.”
“Can we watch The Little Mermaid?” Jisung offers, excitement blooming. “We can have karaoke night too.”
Changbin pauses for a moment then, processing something as his eyes meet Hyunjin’s and flickers to her hand across Felix’s back. “Sure, Sung-ah,” Changbin ultimately concedes. “Let’s have karaoke night.”
The singing, fortunately, seems to ease Felix’s anxiety. She’s off of Hyunjin’s lap now, their legs still pressed together, but now she lays with her head on Jeongin’s shoulder and his cheek pressed against her hair. Hyunjin turns her head again to focus on Chan and Jisung’s duet, but her eyes always seem to drift, to return back to her and him.
Hyunjin tries to think it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, because they both love her, they’re all friends. Jeongin and Felix making things official wouldn’t change much, except that Hyunjin would find herself jealous, immensely so.
It’s buried in those thoughts that Hyunjin finds herself back inside of the kitchen, picking through the pan of brownies Felix bought and poorly attempting to mope less. Jeongin is a good guy, she’s known him most of her life, and despite how close she and Felix have grown, Jeongin has known her longer. They spend time together too, Hyunjin has no right to be upset about this, childish as if something had been stolen from her.
Hyunjin is still stuck in her head even when Felix comes to her in the kitchen, stealing the other half of the brownie she’s biting into. “Do you like them?” she asks sweetly, calm again.
“Mhm,” Hyunjin responds absently, eyes leaving Felix and falling towards the floor underneath her feet. It’s difficult to regulate her emotions now, pretend to be unbothered in front of her when all she wants to do is climb into her skin.
“I’m going to head out now, Unnie,” Felix walks up to her then, pink toe nails entering Hyunjin’s line of sight. “Can you walk me home? Seungminnie isn’t ready to leave quite yet.”
It’s a strange admission, but Hyunjin hesitates. She wants to go home herself, sulk and stew in all her feelings and mixed emotions, yet she reminds herself that Felix is asking for a reason. “Of course,” Hyunjin tells her, patting the top of her head. “Let me go tell the boys goodbye.”
They’re all a bit sad to see them leave, but Hyunjin doesn’t let it get to her too much. It’s cold outside when she and Felix exit, their breath creating small clouds in the air. Hyunjin swallows thick when Felix slips her hand into hers, pure silence between them other than the sound of their footsteps against the ground and air exhaling from their lungs.
“Here,” Felix says in front of a well-lit building, her palm guiding Hyunjin’s up a stairwell and straight to her front door. Felix releases her hand for a moment to type in the door code, but before long she’s pulling Hyunjin inside and closing the door behind them.
She takes a moment to look around the apartment, conscious that it’s the very first time she’s been. Seungmin himself has always been a bit private, and although Hyunjin has tried not to take Felix being cagey personally, she’s always wondered why.
From what she can see, the apartment is quite normal. There’s pictures of everyone scattered all over the walls, frames of their friends, their families, and decor that screams Felix more so than Seungmin. It doesn’t surprise Hyunjin at all that Seungmin doesn’t seem to put his foot down with her.
“Here Unnie,” Felix calls out to Hyunjin from behind her, passing a pair of her own pajamas back at her. Hyunjin opens her mouth to protest even slightly, but the words fail her immediately, slipping away the very moment they begin to form. “The bathroom is over there,” Felix points.
Without a word Hyunjin stalks over to the bathroom, her mind bouncing back and forth between two decisions. She should be direct, tell Felix she doesn’t want to stay, yet the part of her that yearns for Felix endlessly can’t help to separate from her now.
Methodic and slow, Hyunjin peels off her clothes and folds them on the bathroom counter, cleansing her face with Felix’s face wash. She looks through the cabinets in search of a spare tooth brush, but she soon realizes that she’ll have to emerge when she comes up short.
Inhaling deep, Hyunjin opens the bathroom door and finds Felix changed too, an oversized shirt falling down to her knees. “Do you want to see my room?” Felix offers with a bit of shyness, pointing Hyunjin toward an inconspicuous door.
Quietly, Hyunjin nods and allows Felix to lead. Somehow, Felix’s room is exactly what Hyunjin expected from her. It’s bright and colorful all over, an abundance of clothes leaking out from the closet and the double dressers. There’s figurines too, some anime characters that Hyunjin is somewhat familiar with, but far more that she doesn’t know. On her nightstand are several framed photographs, one with her and Chan as kids, then Felix and Jeongin, and finally Felix and herself, smiling big.
“It’s cute,” Hyunjin smiles at her, earning a blush from Felix. It’s a slow creep forward, but it is one regardless, and Hyunjin finds herself incapable of making a decision until Felix is right in front of her, her hands creeping up to hold her shoulders.
Hyunjin is weak, she realizes. All it takes is Felix to tap her own lips with her pointer finger for Hyunjin to lean down and kiss her, again and again. Felix’s lips taste fruity, feel tacky from the lip gloss, and every few seconds Hyunjin catches the faint traces of chocolate lingering against her tongue and her teeth.
It’s so much worse that Felix makes the smallest of mewls with each movement, escaping from her mouth into Hyunjin’s own, and it leaves Hyunjin dizzy with nerves and desire. Slowly, Felix’s hands begin to creep down from her neck, to her shoulders and finally to Hyunjin’s waist. She nearly breaks their kiss to beg for it, to feel Felix’s fingers on her, but all of guilt rushes back up all at once and Hyunjin finds herself taking a step back. She wipes Felix away from her tongue with the back of her hand.
It hurts like nothing else to reject her, but Hyunjin knows it must be done. She can’t let herself be led on, she can’t allow Jeongin to be hurt. “Lix-ah,” Hyunjin says softly, swallowing hard. “If you like Jeongin, you should just tell him. It’s only a matter of time before he notices how close we are, a-and if this keeps happening he’ll really get the wrong idea. You’re really pretty you know, he likes you a lot, so don’t worry about being rejected.”
Felix stares back at Hyunjin with confusion, her eyebrows furrowed. She’s quiet for a long while, lips pursed and her eyes pivoting between Hyunjin and the wall behind her. Finally, she ends with a glare down to her own feet and her arms crossed tight over her stomach. It hurts Hyunjin to see her guard rise so suddenly. “I don’t like Jeongin-ah that way,” Felix says so quietly it’s almost a whisper. “He likes me, but I told him I’m not interested forever ago. We’re just friends now, Unnie.”
“Oh,” Hyunjin utters softly, embarrassment ripe within her. She feels so stupid suddenly, as if an obvious realization happened right underneath her nose. She wonders how long ago this all happened, how long she’s spent fretting over Jeongin endlessly, worried that she was ruining his chances with his crush. She kinda wants to kill Jeongin now, but Hyunjin knows him unfortunately well, it’s not surprising he never bothered to mention this development.
“Did you really think that I was leading him on?” Felix’s voice cracks then, wistful with each word that she utters. It makes Hyunjin feel sick, so rotten and corrupt with guilt. How could she have ever assumed Felix would do something so malicious, so evil. “I had sex with you Unnie!”
“I-I know,” Hyunjin tells her, her arms moving up to hold herself. All of the emotions surge up at once again, leaving every part of her exposed like a wound susceptible to infection. It would be so easy to ask Felix the question, so many questions, but every inch that she gets closer, she begins to retreat all over again. “I thought you just didn’t want to be a virgin anymore.”
“That would be so mean to you,” Felix exhales in frustration. She stomps her foot slightly, her arms falling as her fists ball at her sides. Hyunjin can tell that she’s trying not to cry, her expression far more dejected than furious. “I don’t use people in that way, that’s so gross. I said I was sorry, didn’t I? I just wanted to be closer to you, because I trust you, not to use you as a means to an end.”
“I’m sorry, Lix-ah,” Hyunjin concedes, shame building up inside of her like bile. “I’m really sorry I misjudged you, okay? Y-You’re my best friend, my closest friend, and I’m willing to do these things for you, but I just thought…I don’t know what I thought, okay? Maybe I wasn’t thinking, but-”
“It’s fine,” Felix interrupts her finally, her arms crossed atop her chest. Felix’s face looks all red and flushed, her teeth biting into her lip, almost on the brink of tears. Hyunjin hates herself so much for it. “Let’s go to bed, Unnie,” Felix forces a smile at her.
Felix curls into one side of the bed quietly, Hyunjin occupies the other. As she lays awake that night she wants nothing more than to turn around and curl her arms around her, but she keeps to herself and prays that Felix will forgive her come morning.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
Felix forgives her, despite it all, but Hyunjin can’t help but notice that it’s not the same. Felix seems less enthusiastic to see her lately, not as touchy as she once was. If Hyunjin had to describe it, she’d say Felix is being cautious, awfully so, and she’s never hated something more.
Hyunjin doesn’t want to, she really doesn’t at all, but she finds it impossible to keep it to herself any longer. The second she gets off of work she calls Minho’s number and tells him to meet her at the nearest cafe without another word. She nips at her manicure as she waits for him, drinks the entire Americano she orders and the one she got for Minho.
He seems a bit panicked when he finally walks through the doors, racing toward Hyunjin and giving her a once over before narrowing his eyes and falling down into his seat, taking a long drag from the replacement Americano. Minho takes a moment to breathe, in and out and back in again, before he sits up and places his palms flat against the table. “Glad you’re not dead, Hyunjin-ah,” he tells her sincerely enough. “Tell Oppa what’s wrong with you.”
Hyunjin remains silent as Minho looks at her, biting at her thumbnail and tapping her foot against the ground. Despite the reputation he’s gotten, Minho is quite patient when it’s important, and even though her anxiety wants to rush her to speak, her brain knows that Minho will sit with her in silence for hours if he needs to.
“I think,” Hyunjin begins, finally dropping the hand from her mouth. “I might be in love.”
Minho blows a huff of air from his nostrils. “I’m flattered Hyunnie, but my heart belongs to another.”
“Not with-”
“I know,” Minho smiles playfully. “I’m kidding, Hyunjin.”
“It’s just that…” Hyunjin trails off again, her voice getting quiet as she looks around her. She pushes her hair back behind her ears, ties it behind her head. “Uhm.”
“Take your time,” Minho reassures.
“It’s not with someone you’d typically think of,” Hyunjin explains cautiously. “I’m always private about this stuff, my dating life, for a reason. But…”
“Hyunjin-ah,” Minho says to her softly, reaching for her hands. “I know.”
“Oppa-”
“I know Hyunjin,” he nods, rubbing his thumb across her knuckles before releasing. “You should tell Yongbokkie how you feel, it’ll be okay.”
Hyunjin really shouldn’t be surprised that Minho knows, but it still feels like a jolt to her heart regardless. Her breathing falters for a bit, her face both warm and flush, and she has to choke down another sip just to calm down even slightly.
“She doesn’t know that I like her, at all. She thinks I just want to be friends,” Hyunjin explains quietly. “I don’t even know if she likes girls the way that I do, Oppa. What if she’s just curious, but not really interested? I don’t think I can handle having her only part time, it was hard enough when I felt like I was in a useless competition against Jeongin.”
“Considering what happened on her birthday,” Minho begins.
“She told you?” she interrupts.
“I saw her neck the next day,” Minho continues, a smile on his face. “But considering that, Hyunjin-ah, these are all things that you can ask her, can’t you? Go to Felix and ask her if she likes girls, if she likes you. The worst that she can say is no, and your friendship will change, sure, but she’s a sweet girl, she’d never abandon you for something like this.”
Hyunjin takes a moment to take all of Minho’s words in, she knows he’s right, but it doesn’t ease the worry in her despite it all. She knows he’s right about one thing though, Felix is as sweet as syrup and there’s nothing that Hyunjin could do to deter her.
“Okay, Oppa,” Hyunjin concedes, her palms pressing flat against her cheeks.
“You’ll be okay, Hyunjin-ah,” Minho smiles at her, lightly kicking her foot underneath the table.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
Hyunjin sees Felix five times before she finally works up the nerve to start the conversation. Admittedly she’s tried, but she’s gotten distracted, or backed out, or let the cowardice precede her and decided that she’d like to live in bliss for just a little while longer. Except the bliss still seems fragile, something precarious stretched between them, and no matter how much time passes Hyunjin can’t shake the urge that there’s something unsaid between them.
Felix has grown touchy again, Hyunjin thinks she couldn’t help it if she tried, but Felix still has a certain caution that she didn’t before. Even with her legs stretched across Hyunjin’s lap, Hyunjin’s hand on her ankle, they feel so distant.
“Lix-ah,” Hyunjin pauses the movie and exhales. “I have something to tell you.”
Felix doesn’t respond verbally, but she does sit up until her knees press against the side of Hyunjin’s thigh and their eyes are eerily close. She stares at her attentively with wide eyes and pink lips, so cute that Hyunjin fights the urge to kiss her all over again.
“What is it, Unnie?”
“I…” Hyunjin stutters over the words again, thick in her throat like syrup. She closes her mouth for a moment and thinks it over again, replaying the conversation with Minho and his reassurance in her mind. “I’m a lesbian, Lix-ah. I thought you should know, just in case you, uh, had concerns.”
“I know,” Felix giggles, out of all responses, and suddenly she’s in Hyunjin’s lap instead of the couch. “Unnie, why’re you telling me now? How wouldn’t I know?”
Hyunjin thinks for a moment that she’s not nearly as discrete as she thought she was. “Is it obvious?”
“Yes,” Felix smiles at her, her fingers playing with Hyunjin’s hair. “Thank you for trusting me and telling me though, I appreciate it.”
“But how obvious is it?” Hyunjin pouts now, hands falling onto Felix’s thighs. “Minho-oppa knew too.”
“You don’t notice when men stare at you, you don’t even give them the time of day,” Felix begins. “Obviously that could mean anything, but you also stare at me a lot, and when you touched me-”
“Don’t say it like that,” Hyunjin whines, her face growing hot.
“And when you touch me, you know what you’re doing,” Felix continues with a wide smile. “You really like kissing me, I can tell. You know how to touch me, you have experience touching people like me.”
“I guess,” Hyunjin exhales.
“I guess we’re different in this way,” Felix begins. “You never realized I only liked girls too, right? Even though I told you.”
“You never told me,” Hyunjin blinks. She thinks she would’ve remembered this, she knows she would’ve remembered this.
“I did!” Felix whines, pushing her nose into Hyunjin’s own. “You asked why my ex and I broke up and I said I wasn’t interested in him anymore. Jeongin is really cute, he’s such a good friend to me, but I don’t like him either!”
“That doesn’t mean anything, Lix-ah,” Hyunjin pushes back, though she can’t suppress the smile that begins to emerge as she thinks about Felix liking girls, maybe liking her. “You could just have a specific type.”
“Unnie, I’ve kissed you so many times,” Felix sighs, hands gripping Hyunjin’s shoulders. “I came so hard when you fingered me, because I’m attracted to you, only you.”
“Right,” Hyunjin stutters so shamefully.
“And you’re attracted to me,” Felix insists.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Hyunjin laughs meekly, but she can’t help but feel shy even as Felix presses a kiss against her cheek and hugs her harder.
“Only slightly,” Felix teases, easing her way closer to Hyunjin. Shiver crawl up her spines as Felix’s hands find her way to her hair, slight fingers combing their way to her scalp and making a home there. Hyunjin doesn’t fight back at all when she revokes her hands and climbs across Hyunjin’s lap, the expanse of her weight pushing against her chest.
Felix lays them down slowly, breathing in each other’s scents. Hyunjin’s heart stops beating as she waits, but Felix just rests against her, quiet and content.
Hyunjin contemplates it for a long time, Felix laid across her arm the whole while. They made so much progress in a single night, made leaps and bounds, but the most important thing still feels as though it’s been missed. She knows Felix is attracted to her now, that she likes her in most ways, but she can’t bring herself to ask if Felix would date her.
Slowly, Hyunjin wraps one arm around Felix’s waist and presses a kiss against the back of her neck, then another, trails down the curve of her shoulder. She really does mean to ask Felix about it, but plush lips are pressed against hers and Hyunjin finds that it can wait; it can really wait.
It’s clear that Felix’s confidence has grown slightly, the force of her kiss is more intentional, less meek and fearful than it was before. Hyunjin lets her lead into it, lets the pressure of Felix’s lips send her mind into a frenzy, lets Felix slide her tongue along the seam of her mouth. Hyunjin parts for her slowly, teasing her second by second, before she finally gives into her instincts and dives into Felix’s mouth.
Felix has a certain way of using her body against Hyunjin, it’s become clearer lately. She likes being held, being carried, sitting on her lap. It’s not surprising when Felix pushes Hyunjin down onto her back and slides herself across her abdomen, the lack of underwear suddenly so obvious that Hyunjin begins to feel stupid for it. She gets an idea as her tongue begins to salivate, but before she can execute it, Felix hands are moving up to her chest, pawing at the edges of her shirt.
“I wanted to see your boobs last time too,” Felix tells her, somehow still so sweet and pure. “But you were focused, very focused, on me.”
“Is that a bad thing?” Hyunjin breathes, lifting herself up enough for Felix to slide the t-shirt off of her chest. It’s not the first time Hyunjin has paid close attention to Felix when she’s aroused, but she can’t help but note the redness of her cheeks, the widening of her eyes and the glossy look they begin to hold. To extend the moment as long as she can, Hyunjin makes a show of pulling her bra down, easing it down her chest and smiling as Felix’s face continues to flush crimson.
“No,” Felix exhales with a breath, small fingers traveling up the sides of Hyunjin’s chest and pressing into the fat. She seems transfixed on her chest, tests the weight of each breast in her hand and kneads them endlessly, tongue poking out and resting on her lip in the midst of her fascination. “You’ll have to teach me a lot of things, Unnie. I’ve only ever been with you,” she says to her then, eyes leaving her breasts to meet Hyunjin’s with a stretch of startling sincerity, vulnerability too.
“I’ll take care of you, baby,” Hyunjin smiles up at her, digs the palms of her hands firmer against her waist and kneads the skin underneath her fingertips. “I’ll teach you everything you want.”
“Thank you.”
“Put your mouth on me,” Hyunjin commands softly, though hardly a full second passes before Felix descends onto her chest. Hyunjin feels herself grow warm, dizzy all over when she feels Felix mouthing at her nipple, suckling at it with eagerness and curiosity. She doesn’t have a firm grip on the other, she seems distracted if anything, and Hyunjin slips her free hand into hers and guides Felix through the squeeze, the pressure.
“I love it, Unnie,” Felix looks up to her for a singular moment, breathless as she leans her head against the pattern of wetness she’s left. Her eyes are closed then, as if she were savouring the moment infinitely, and as much as Hyunjin would love to have Felix sucking on her forever, she thinks she’ll die if she doesn’t get to taste her.
“Lix-ah,” Hyunjin calls out to her with a soft grip on the back of her head, slowly beckoning Felix up until their lips press into a slow kiss again. “Sit on my face,” Hyunjin tells her as she breaks it. Truly, she expects more hesitation, more questions, but Felix smiles and giggles before she begins to scoot up. Hyunjin looks up at her when her thighs rest on the sides of her face, her hands and nails drawing small patterns into her skin. “Don’t rest all of your weight down, hold the headboard if you start to feel unstable.”
“Okay, Unnie,” Felix nods, voice so sweet despite its layers.
Hyunjin feels as though she’s entered heaven itself when Felix’s cunt first grazes her mouth, the saltiness of skin and the familiar taste of her growing slick pleasant against her tongue. She makes it slow for both of their sakes, utterly, painstakingly so. Felix’s moans are audible up above her, soft mewls as Hyunjin brings her tongue across the folds, sucking and savoring all the while.
Felix is good at holding herself up, though it’s clear that her hips crave to grind onto her chin and her legs begin to shake the longer Hyunjin spends eating her out. She takes her tongue across the clit every so often, flicking it again and smiling to herself when Felix tightens so well as a result, cries heard all around the world. When she least expects it, Hyunjin slips her tongue as far as she can into her entrance, licking every part of that she can before she slips a finger inside, then another, and curls up into the spot that she plans on knowing so well.
It doesn’t surprise Hyunjin that Felix doesn’t last long after this, but she holds her through the orgasm and keeps her tongue and fingers pressed inside, consuming every bit of Felix that she can muster. She holds her through the second one, then the third, and finally Felix collapses on the side of her and Hyunjin can finally see the puffiness that she’s caused in full detail.
“Lixie,” she whispers to her, pressing one last kiss against her cunt before she lays back down and pulls Felix to rest across her chest. “How are you feeling?”
“Good,” Felix tells her in a tired voice, still trembling ever so slightly. “So good, Unnie, you’re so good.”
“Thanks,” Hyunjin laughs at her delirium, pressing the faintest kiss against the crown of her head. There’s a part of Hyunjin that’s momentarily torn between two worlds, an infernal desire to continue the conquest, falling into oblivion with her tongue inside of Felix. The other calls her to rest, to cradle the girl in her arms and drift into that blissful slumber until the morning comes.
Her decision is made when Felix begins to mumble incoherently into her shoulder, her fingers lightly playing with the dark strands of Hyunjin’s hair. Easily, she drifts off to another realm, small snores and murmurs emitting as Hyunjin stares down at her.
There’s something within this moment that feels inherently different, she realizes then. She can’t explain it now, can’t grasp the blunt edges or the fine details, but the fabric of their relationship seems to have shifted with time, taking on new forms.
Finally, Hyunjin feels a bit of peace within her.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
It’s been a few months since Hyunjin felt the shift. Just as she expected, Felix has solidified herself within her life as though she was always meant to be here alongside her.. Hyunjin loves her, she really loves her. Years ago she thought the admission would plague her, would be hard to reason with, yet now it’s unfathomably simple.
Felix’s hand is soft where it resides in hers. Hyunjin feels every finger pressed against her own palm, the smoothness of her manicured nails too.
Hyunjin inhales once, twice, before she finally musters the courage to ask. “Lix-ah,” she breathes. Felix stops in her tracks for a moment, her head swiveling away from the paintings towards Hyunjin. There’s the faintest smile on her face, pink lips slightly agape.
“Yes, Unnie?” she responds sweetly, serene.
Hyunjin exhales. “Will you be my girlfriend?”
Felix’s stare grows in intensity for a moment, it’s clear that there is a sudden swarm of thoughts in her mind. Her cheeks puff out for a second, her eyes narrowing, before she finally opens her lips again. “I thought we were dating,” she says softly, her lips contorted into a pout.
Hyunjin grows pale, her cheeks flush, and her mouth begins to dry up. “You need to raise your standards, Lix-ah,” Hyunjin manages to choke out, her heart racing against her chest. “I never even asked you,” Hyunjin says lightly. Despite the essence of humor, she means it wholeheartedly.
Pout gone almost as soon as it appeared, Felix steps forward and pulls Hyunjin’s hand into hers. Easy and compliant, Hyunjin follows her lead as Felix wraps Hyunjin’s arms around her body. For once, Hyunjin doesn’t search to see if there’s anyone else around. Felix is all she focuses on. Her scent, the feeling of her skin, the curvature of her nose, the freckles on her face.
“But I like you, Unnie,” Felix tells her in a small voice. A whisper. “I like you so, so, so much, I love you, Unnie.”
Hyunjin thinks she’s died for a second. As the blood rushes toward her ears, Felix consumes her every thought, her every sense. Briefly, she wonders how she got so lucky. “I love you too,” Hyunjin replies, pressing one firm kiss against the tip of her nose, then another on her cheek.
Finally, she presses her lips against Felix’s own and everything clicks into place.