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Barth turns to his left and, not long after that, catches himself staring at the metal bars behind the windows. Not that the bars are interesting or worth watching, but because they are right in front of him, and his eyes refuse to stay closed and insist on giving attention to any random object that is illuminated enough in the darkness. It’s already past midnight, he should have fallen asleep long ago, but every time he calculates the remaining hours he has to sleep before waking up for work in the morning, he feels more awake from stress.
He closes his eyelids tightly shut and begs his brain to go to sleep. He has always been a night owl. He always liked nights and the silence surrounding them. Not to mention how he can only start forming logical thoughts after noon. Yet all his classes and a good chunk of his shifts are at such early hours that if he lets himself loose just for a few nights, he starts feeling absolutely miserable during the day. He has already been sleeping very little for the past two nights, he must find a way to soothe himself to sleep right here and right now.
As he scans the mental image of the apartment in his thoughts to see if they have any type of tea or some kind of medicine that can possibly help, he turns to his right and squeezes his eyes shut even harder. He is sure that they don’t have anything other than milk. Would milk work? He remembers it helping when he was a kid and had a hard time sleeping due to his hiccups, left from his sobs all night. His mother would hold him and tell him that daddy wasn’t angry at him, he was just talking loudly. Barth would sip from his cup with the kitten-tail-shaped handle and try to keep his tears at bay so his mother wouldn’t be even more upset.
Barth tries to push the memory away, but it passes through his body like a ghost, making his chest feel heavy and threatening to bring along many more thoughts just like that one.
Then he can’t help but start wondering: how is he going to pay his mother back this month? He still didn’t pay the last time she helped them with rent. She never asks for it back, but Barth still feels like he should take responsibility for his debts like the grown adult he is.
He eventually turns to his left again. The bed croaks under his weight, as it’s very old, just like all the furniture they own. He pushes a leg out of the blanket, feeling a little cold and a little hot at the same time. Blood pulses on his temples, a headache signals its way in. The oxygen suddenly doesn’t feel enough for his lungs. He feels suffocated. He feels trapped. He feels small and helpless.
But then, just then, he gets surrounded. In nothing but peace. In love. In everything and anything he holds dear.
A warm chest leans against his back. A strong arm envelops him, trapping his own arm in between, and a hand catches his, pulling it to his chest with an assuring hold. Legs fold in the curve of his, fitting into him like a puzzle piece.
“What’s wrong?” Tanrak asks right behind his ear, voice groggy from sleep, but incredibly tender. So attentive, so careful.
Barth lets out a long sigh, almost physically feeling all the anxiety leaving his body with it. His body relaxes, melts against his boyfriend’s presence, his weight sinking into the mattress.
He starts breathing again.
“Did I wake you?” he asks. “I’m sorry.”
Tanrak leans closer to place a small kiss on the skin where Barth’s hairline ends on his neck, right below his ear. Then he burrows his cheek into Barth’s hair. “It’s okay. It feels wrong to sleep without you anyway.”
Barth smiles against his pillow.
“Tell me, what is bothering you?” Tanrak asks again.
He is as thoughtful as he always is, and it makes Barth’s heart tremble, but he doesn’t want to say what’s on his mind out loud. They already talk about this issue very often, he doesn’t want to worry his boyfriend even more.
“Hm?” Tanrak nudges him. “Tell me.”
Barth lets out a sound that suggests it's nothing important.
Tanrak falls silent for a moment before he goes, “Barth.” That one word is still soft on his tongue, but there is this slight edge to it that only Barth knows how to catch.
After hearing it, Barth knows that, at the end of the day, he is just Barth. He can try his best, but he can never say no to the love of his life.
“P’Yoh,” he croaks out. “He said he won’t be able to pay us for overtime for the next couple of months.” He feels a little ashamed of even saying this, admitting that this is what he’s stressing about, but those overtime payments actually help them a lot.
When Tanrak doesn’t respond immediately, he adds, “There are no exciting movies playing these days. The cinema is pretty empty.”
His job is actually quite decent. He can choose his shifts around his university classes, and because he’s good with machines -one of the perks of being a mechanical engineering student- his boss, P’Yoh, usually puts him in the projector room unless one of the fridges or the popcorn machine breaks. So he gets to study while keeping an eye on the movie and the sound, and he doesn’t even have to deal with customers face to face.
The downside is that he can only work part-time, and while the salary is enough to cover their expenses when combined with Tanrak’s earnings, it’s not enough to save up some on the side without doing overtime.
Tanrak hums under his breath as he gives Barth a little squeeze. “We can manage it. We’ll find a way.”
“I…” Barth starts, but then takes a few seconds before he can continue. He knows Tanrak won’t like what he’s about to say. “I might have to take another break for the next semester.”
“Barth,” Tanrak warns him.
“I don’t think we can save enough money to cover both of our tuitions if I don’t find another job,” Barth quickly explains.
Barth can feel Tanrak tense up behind him and braces himself for a long nagging session, but Tanrak turns Barth around in his arms, pulling him against his chest instead. Barth, albeit a little surprised, follows along willingly and presses his face to his boyfriend’s neck.
“Calm down for a moment, okay?” Tanrak starts caressing Barth’s back. “We’re not too behind. I’ll take more shifts at the restaurant, and we’ll eat more often at Auntie Lek’s house. If we slow down on your cassette collection, we’ll be just fine.”
Barth wants to laugh at Tanrak’s attempted joke, but he also feels like tearing up.
“You’ll start your internship next year anyway. They are going to pay you way better. Everything is going to be fine if we hold on until then,” Tanrak says.
Barth bites his bottom lip, he has to try his chance. “But one semester wouldn’t be too bad. It would help us feel more at ease.”
Tanrak shakes his head at that. “You’ve already taken too many breaks for me, Barth. I want you to graduate with me.”
“You’ve taken a break for a year too,” Barth argues. “Let’s get you out first. I’ll follow you soon after.”
“Barth, are you going to be stubborn like this?” Tanrak asks with a huff. It’s the sign that he was now past tense and was getting annoyed.
“Okay, okay. I’ll stop talking,” Barth hastily backtracks as he pushes his body even closer to Tanrak.
Tanrak tries to pull his arms back, clearly not pleased with him, so Barth starts rubbing his face against his boyfriend, forcing him to roll onto his back. Tanrak grunts unhappily, but Barth knows that he actually wants to smile, he is just too miffed to give in.
“I’ll behave, I promise.” He extends the words as he keeps nuzzling against Tanrak’s neck and face.
Tanrak tries to push him off, yet there is one thing about Barth: he never comes loose. He gets even clingier. Seeing that his methods are ineffective, he reaches down and starts tickling Tanrak.
“Barth,” Tanrak whines as his lips start twitching at the corners. “Stop. Neighbors will hear us.”
A very dirty joke comes to the tip of Barth’s tongue, but he bites it back. Tanrak is already too irritated, Barth doesn’t want to die in his hands in front of the Lord’s portrait in their room.
They play around for a little while, Tanrak trying to get out of Barth’s hold with giggles spilling out of his lips, while Barth pushes his luck even more, stealing kisses from Tanrak’s cheeks while his fingers are relentless on his sides.
After a few minutes of this back and forth, he finally stops teasing his boyfriend and pushes himself to sit up cross-legged on the mattress, which causes Tanrak to follow suit. Barth sobers up a little, and Tanrak starts to look hopeful, with his face still glowing thanks to the wrestling match they just had. They stare at each other, expecting a step from the other.
“I promise I’ll graduate as soon as possible,” Barth blurts out. “I’ll start earning a lot of money and give you a comfortable life. I’ll make sure you can write your books without any worry. I don’t want us to struggle like this anymore.”
Even though writing is quite a new passion for Tanrak, he is so into it that Barth wants to hold onto that sparkle in his eyes as long as he can. He wants to keep seeing Tanrak’s face brighten up whenever he finishes scribbling a paragraph and feels proud of himself. He wants to support Tanrak’s dream and see him become really successful. He wants to see him make a living from it.
And until that day comes, Barth is ready to do everything to support them both.
Tanrak nods and gives him a smile. A small, warm smile that makes everything else feel insignificant. “You’re not going to take another break, right?” he asks, voice careful.
Barth shakes his head. Whatever Tanrak wants goes in this household. “I won’t. But don’t take too many extra shifts. I don’t want you to get tired.”
“I like getting tired. It makes me feel useful,” Tanrak says, then sighs. “Barth, you know you have me on your side, right? We’re a team.”
Barth raises his eyebrows, surprised.
“You’re not alone. Don’t try to shoulder everything all by yourself like this,” Tanrak continues. “We started walking this path together. I’m going to earn a lot and give you a good life too. I’ll help you build your own factory and have your own workers, I’ll help you achieve all your goals too.”
Barth feels a burn in the corners of his eyes as he reaches out to place a hand on his boyfriend’s cheek, caressing his skin. “I know you will,” he whispers
Tanrak places a hand over Barth’s hand. “We’ll be fine. God will guide us out of this hardship.”
Barth nods. If Tanrak believes it, he believes it too.
Tanrak follows his nod, then takes hold of Barth’s arms and guides him to lie back down, making him settle against his chest again. “Now we should sleep, my little spoon.”
“Tanrak,” Barth calls out from where he is tucked between Tanrak’s arms.
Tanrak runs his fingers through Barth’s hair. “Hm?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“I love you so much.”
“Me too.”
Barth wraps an arm around Tanrak’s waist, bracing. “Call me teerak once, and I’ll sleep peacefully.”
Tanrak snorts before trying to push him off once more. “Oh, shut up. You’re so annoying.”
“Come on, just once!” Barth whines.
“No.”
“Once.”
“I said no,” Tanrak doesn’t give in
Barth doesn’t give up either. “Then, give me a kiss.”
That makes Tanrak stop squirming.
Barth props himself up on one elbow and looks down at this beautiful boy who graces him with his presence every day. The boy with big brown eyes that carry countless worlds, endless stories, bottomless guilt, and fear, but still so much love in them.
The boy who is everything.
Everything for Barth.
Then, he leans down to meet that boy’s waiting lips.
They share a soft kiss in the darkness of their room. Just like that, they show each other how much they mean to each other without using any real words, in the middle of their creaky bed, in the middle of this late night, in the middle of the very first years of their blossoming youth.
In that very moment, Barth trusts that everything is going to be fine, just like Tanrak said. Everything is going to turn out well. They might struggle for a while, but as long as he has Tanrak in his arms, it’s going to be worth it.
Because he knows, and he knows very well, that ever since he found Tanrak, he has never regretted anything.