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I.
The first time was on the stairwell.
When he first desperately wanted to say that he loved her, that he wanted her to be safe.
when they both saw each other. Right after Jaehaerys’ funeral. That was when he felt like he owed it to her, especially. Helaena was his wife, as if not that, his sister. And they had both lost a child.
Their son.
Jaehaerys was gone. Forever. No other child would fill that void. Not for them. No child of theirs would ever be so cruelly murdered. He would make sure of it. In some way. He would.
he would.
He would not allow Rhaenyra to strike him again, never.
He opened his mouth to speak, to say something. Yet he couldn’t. He could not say the words he wanted to say. A part of him felt embarrassed to admit it to himself, that he could not say the simple words.
I love you.
I want you to be safe.
I do not know what I would do if you weren’t.
But instead he walked away, he just walked down those fucking stairs with words on his tounge. And the look of Helaena’s face had only worsened his shame. She looked like she wanted to say something, too. But she couldn’t.
And he could not either.
Fucking coward.
II.
The second time was when she had randomly entered his chambers late in the night when the entire castle was asleep and climbed right into his bed without asking.
It was like Helaena, he supposed.
But he was tired, and drunk. A lot of both. Too much of both.
“Aegon?..” She whispered, her voice sounded so pleasant to his ears, as they always had.
“Yes,” he replied. Too tired to even question why she was getting into his bed. Too tired to tell her no. Too tired to care.
“I am sorry,” She sounded close to tears, or perhaps, she was crying. “Very sorry.”
“Just-Just sleep, Helaena. Sleep.” He was exhausted, Aegon did not realize what she meant to apologize for. She had done nothing wrong. He changed his position, now laying on his side rather than his back, and his hand, involuntarily, rubbed her back. An attempt to comfort her. Before he wrapped his arm around her softly.
Helaena nodded and sniffled, taking his hand in hers. She interlinked his fingers with her own, and he complied. For the first time, he smiled. A genuine smile.
III.
“The King, your grace.”
But Helaena was too busy looking at her bugs in their cages again. She did not care that he entered and did not seem at all surprised.
“The butterfly is growing,” She tells him, before she turns to look at him walking over to her. He sits down right beside her.
He doesn’t respond though, he looks. He didn’t care about her bugs. He cares about her though, and he would like to tell her. He needed to tell her.
“What is it,” She asks softly, her demeanor changed. More gentle, he notices. And it makes him nervous again. Just as he did on the stairwell, and suddenly he can’t speak again.
He clears his throat, not looking at her anymore and playing with his fingers and internally he’s cursing at himself. You stupid—
She puts her hand atop his.
“You feel sad about Jaehaerys?”
But it doesn’t sound like a question, more like a… notice. She knows, she knows because she feels it too and she has felt it, and she will continue to feel it and he has in no way been a help to her grief, their grief. And he looks at Helaena; Her soft frown. He feels her warm hands on his and suddenly feels better, more assured. Relaxed.
At peace.
“Yes but-“
And suddenly, it feels as though Helaena is waiting. But she isn’t. She is simply looking at him. Beautiful. Patient. Loving. So beautiful, so perfect. Some part of himself simply wants to kiss her until the feeling of peace and love and warmth consumes him.
“That is not why I’m here,” he finishes.
Helaena tilts her head, confused.
“I wanted to tell you something,” He says, looking at her hands upon his own again.
“I-I’m…”
Seven Gods, he was pathetic.
“It’s okay,” she reasons. “You will tell me in time, yes,” before bringing her lips to his hand. Kissing his hand. Kissing his hand in the way a person kisses their lover. Before holding his hand
He swallows.
“We may just watch the bugs,” Aegon knows it is a request, not a comment. A silent plea for closeness and he could not dear refuse. He did not wish to either. Helaena smiles, putting her body forward as it was before he entered.
“That is a moth,” She says to him. Her finger pointing, her eyes going between him and the moth.
+ i.
“The Queen, Your grace.”
Now, it is her time for a visit, Aegon thinks.
Yet she simply sits on the floor where he sits in a chair, not saying anything. There is silence, nothing but silence and Aegon finds he likes it. It is a mutual agreement and for some reason he is more than comfortable with it before Helaena breaks it.
“You have doubled my guards,” She says.
“I have.”
“I do not like it.”
And suddenly Aegon finds himself a bit, impatient, if not upset. “But you know why there are more?”
“There cannot be less,” She jokes wryly.
Aegon doesn’t find it funny. “Helaena.”
“To protect me.”
“I need you safe.”
“I needed you safe before and I need you safer now. I needed Jaehaerys safe and I could not protect him, I couldn’t fucking-“
“Aegon.”
It was a command, oddly. A command that said many things by simply saying his name.
It’s okay.
You did what you could.
It’s not your fault.
Do not blame yourself.
He knew it was without having her to tell him it was. But he did as Helaena commanded and shut up. Though, not without a deep exhale to show his frustration.
Helaena held his hand. To steady him. And then she got up. She was going to turn around and walk away, he feared. She was going to leave. He wanted to stay, to stay with him. Never to leave.
“Helaena…”
He could not say it. He could tell her he needed her safe with ease when he was upset yet he could not say he loved her?
He could he have hoped to win a war but he could not even say he loved his wife? to him, one should be much easier than the other.
“I need you safe, too,” She admitted. “And I love you. Too.” She kissed his forehead. “It is okay if you cannot say it,” She whispered before letting his hand go and leaving his chambers.
And he was left alone.