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“Kris, this can’t just be a me and you thing. This needs to be… Noelle’s thing, too. Kris…
Thanks for walking me home.”
Susie had said those words with a mix of ease and restraint. Her voice held such confidence, but the pauses in between her thoughts were riddled with hesitation. Her eyes, in the dark hallway of the school, glimmered with hopeful sadness as she stared down at the floor and gave Kris a shaky grin.
When she shut the supply closet door behind her, Kris wanted to puke. Their heart, which was slowly melding with the SOUL, dropped to their shoes. They wanted to tear it out right then and there—tear it all out. They wanted to rip their heart out and pound it to a bloody and gory pulp for even thinking to yearn for the monster who had just stated her plan for Noelle to join them.
They felt the SOUL shake with disappointment as it tried to communicate that Kris should’ve said something. They also wanted to snatch the pesky SOUL and forcefully stop it from playing with their feelings.
After Susie’s departure, Kris drooped their head. The hallway’s floors appeared freshly cleaned, as they could see the slightest hint of their reflection staring back at them. Their tired eyes blinked and their mouth was slightly open, light breaths escaping their lips.
They pivoted back in the direction of the entrance, still hanging their head low. They walked slowly towards the door, fidgeting with their fingers at their sides.
The walk home was uneventful. The festival’s decorations still adorned the streets and homes, but everyone in town had already headed back to their dwellings.
Kris, with the thoughts in their mind swarming like bees to a hive, recalled the pleasant and mischievous smile on Susie’s face as she bonked them with the high striker’s rubber hammer. They couldn’t hide their laughter.
But when they had turned their head around and saw Noelle twirling her bright hair around her finger, their smirk died down. She patiently awaited her turn with Susie, which Kris had reluctantly given her due to the SOUL’s insistence.
The Kris walking home brought a hand up to their chest and squeezed the fabric of their sweater, biting their lip in frustration. “If it weren’t for you,” they uttered. They felt the SOUL shiver.
They took a deep breath when they reached home. All they wanted to do was plop down onto their bed and, somehow, never wake up. The image of their mother standing over them with her hands over her mouth clouded their mind. Would she be shocked? Would she be surprised? Kris didn’t know.
They hoped she wouldn’t be.
As they entered the house, the sweet aroma of cinnamon and honey wafted towards them. A smell that was once so comforting had turned into one they dreaded. They dreaded a lot of smells, such as sea salt. They never wanted to inhale that again. Ever.
Susie was enamored with the house upon her first inspection. She had stared at the ceiling and shuffled her feet to follow their mother. Upon taking one long sniff, her eyes had lit up. She looked over to Kris and had whispered, “Dude, that’s the best smell, like, ever.”
Kris thought that way once too. As a toddler, their little legs would skitter across the living room as they bathed themself in the copyrighted Dreemurr-household-scent. No candles had been burnt. The home’s aroma was there naturally.
The teenage Kris that now stood in the living room darted to the bathroom. They weren’t sure where their mother was, who in the beginning of the day was gardening. They had been the one to step back when Noelle mentioned that they should go say hello. Things were awkward at that moment thanks to a certain skeleton.
Kris threw the bathroom door open and stepped inside, slamming it shut behind them. Their hands found the sides of the sink as they breathed heavily with their reflection. Their chest rose up before dropping back down frantically. They turned the handle next to the faucet, the tap quickly pouring water. They pushed the drain plug down and allowed the water to fill the sink.
When the sink was filled, they dunked their head into the depths. The water was freezing cold. Underwater, they gasped at the temperature, causing them to lift their head up. They hacked from the water that had run into their mouth.
After their throat was clear of H2O, they scrutinized their reflection. Their face and the front half of their hair were now drenched, their bangs pathetically laid out on their forehead. They grabbed the towel wrung above the toilet and squeezed their bangs with it. They then shook their head like a dog shakes its wet fur.
They growled as the SOUL inside their body attempted to force Kris to move to the right. Their grip on the sink tightened, but the pesky creature did not let up. They hissed, “Stop.”
Still, the SOUL threw itself to the right.
Kris promptly crammed their hand inside their chest and yanked the heart-shaped being out. The intrusion left a sharp pain in their chest. They squatted down and opened the cabinets beneath the sink. They made sure to give the SOUL a good squeeze before trapping it in the cabinets’ space, slamming the door shut.
As they rose back up and found their grip on the sink once more, their legs felt as if they were about to give out. Kris ground their teeth as they hung their head and began to huff in exasperation. Their nails attempted to dig into the steel of the sink, but were only met with a nail-invincible force.
Eventually, their breaths slowed to even puffs of air. They picked their head back up and stared at themself for a moment. They looked horrible. Puffy eyes, tangled hair, chewed lips—everything they wanted to destroy.
Kris didn’t want to feel anymore. They didn’t want to feel the longing effects of their parents’ divorce. They didn’t want to feel the longing effects of December’s disappearance. They didn’t want to feel their heart pound whenever they went by the shelter.
They didn’t want to feel their heart pound whenever they were close to Susie.
Their cheeks heated up at the thought of her. Susie, the girl who was ever so kind. Susie, the girl who was the first to truly be exactly like them. Susie, the girl who, in the prophecy, was stated to find love.
It seemed like she had already found that in Noelle. As she and Noelle had their little moment in the lake, Kris pretended to be asleep as they sat facedown on the bench. The table’s uneven design pressed into their face, but no matter the uncomfortable sensation, they didn’t raise their head.
They did, however, adjust their head so they could peek at the lovebirds. Their heart ached when they saw Susie carrying Noelle bridal-style in the shallowness of the lake. The SOUL could hear every word, but Kris wasn’t sure they wanted the scoop. In fact, they secretly thought about running away. Perhaps if they were far enough, the SOUL couldn’t get that information.
They knew that was a stupidly hopeful thought.
Shakily, Kris exhaled and gulped down a lump stuck in their throat. They reached into their pocket, taking out the one thing that had stayed the same since they had first received it: their knife. It was nothing too showy or intimidating; just a simple knife, shimmering with everything it had.
Kris had gotten the knife as a child. They carried it everywhere. Initially, it was used as a just-in-case for self-defense, but as its purpose grew into something even more personal, Kris had to begin lying. When their mother had first begged them to tell her why she had found it holed up in their pants as she prepared to do laundry, they had lied. They told her it was only for self-defense. It was only for their comfort.
It wasn’t used to hurt themself.
Their mother had cried and hugged them tightly, whispering that she understood and she was glad they told her the truth. The truth.
Kris wanted to be honest, but they simply couldn’t. Any time they attempted to open their mouth and utter, “I lied”, something forced them to shut up. They had cried too that day for that reason.
They weren’t sure how their mother hadn’t caught on. They never wore short sleeves near her, and any time their sleeves did somehow roll up, they would quickly pull them down. How did she not notice?
In contrast, Asriel noticed before he left for university. He was walking in their room just as they pulled their sweater over their head. His eyes had widened at the quick glimpse of the scars frantically patterning their arms. Kris simply stared at him. He sauntered over to them and pulled them into a tight hug, whispering in their ear, “I saw.”
Oh, how they wanted to push him away and scream until he ran away and swore on his life that he would never tell. Instead, their arms dangled uselessly at their sides as they stood as stiff as a board. After a few more seconds, Asriel backed away and said, “Love you, Kris. I’ll be back soon.”
Please don’t come back. Please don’t come back. Please come back. Please come back.
What did they want?
Kris, then standing in front of their bathroom mirror with a knife held in their hand, sighed. They rolled their sleeve up and pressed the blade against their skin.
They thought about everyone that had popped into their life up until that point as blood dribbled down their arm. “Susie.” Swipe. “Noelle.” Swipe. “Asriel.” Swipe. “Ralsei.” Swipe. “Me.” Swipe. “You.” Swipe.
Do all humans bleed? They didn’t know. They didn’t know much about their anatomy or their body or their organs or their skeleton or their mind or their life or their future—
They suddenly bellowed in pain as one cut went far too deep. They dropped the knife, the object clattering to the floor. They used their then freed hand to grip the deep wound on their arm, continuing to hiss in pain. Warm tears traveled to their eyes and ran down their cheeks. They stumbled backwards, curling their knees to their chest as they sat and leaned against the wall. Their eyes were wide open as they panted. They could hear the SOUL bang against the cabinets’ doors.
“Stop it,” Kris said. “You can’t help. You can’t do anything!”
The SOUL wouldn’t let up. Kris’s hands reached up to their hair and they rocked back in forth. “Stop, stop, STOP, STOP, ST—“
“Kris!”
At the yelling of their name, they gasped in surprise and frantically pulled their sleeve down. Before they could reach for their knife and clean up the drops of blood that had leaked to the floor, the door busted open. Before the upsetting scene stood Susie. She was still in her regular outfit, but her hair was somehow even more tousled than usual. Her maw hung open and her eyes shook with worry. She muttered, “Kris?”
Before Kris knew it, Susie threw herself to her knees in front of their shaking form, reaching a hand up to hold their face. “Kris, hey, I’m here, I’m here!” When they only shook their head and choked out a sob, she said, “Kris, c’mon. Kris, Kris, calm down.”
“Why,” they choked, “are you here?”
“I… I got a really bad feeling and I just—I started to think that you were in trouble so I came here as soon as I could and—“
“Susie, get out, please.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “No! Kris, what the fuck is happening?! There’s blood all over the floor and you’re shaking and holding your arm and your freaking knife—“
Kris whined and banged the back of their head against the wall. Susie immediately brought her other hand to the nape of their neck, keeping their head in place. She leaned in closer and it was clear she was trying her best to keep from crying. Kris was expecting her to hug them or bury their face in her chest in her own method of comfort, but she instead pressed her closed maw against their lips. It didn’t last long, but it was enough to stop their crying. They looked up at her in confusion.
“You can’t do this to me, Kris. Not now. Please, just calm down. I know I’m not Ralsei. I know I can’t just… magically make whatever it is that’s happening go away, but…” She paused to sniffle. “God, dude, I can’t see you like this.”
Kris stared at her tired eyes before leaning their head into her chest. She wrapped her arms around them as tight as she could without hurting them. She muttered, “I knew something was up. I’m sorry, Kris. I’m sorry I didn’t… say anything. I had so much fun at the festival earlier today, and… and you were one of the reasons it was so great.”
Kris weakly nodded. She continued, “You don’t have to tell me everything. You don’t even have to tell me anything if you don’t wanna, but I—I wanna try to… make it better.”
Kris mumbled that she already had. Surprised, she snorted, “Man, that’s so cheesy.”
Kris mumbled that they were so uncool. She laughed, “Nah, man. We’re the coolest people in this goddamn town. They just don’t know it yet.” She leaned back to face Kris and smirked. “You’re the coolest person in the world to me.”
Kris smiled and silently mouthed the words, “You too.”
Susie lightly punched their shoulder before standing. “C’mon, let’s clean all this up.”
Kris felt like, whatever they were, for just right now, it might be okay.