Chapter Text
What had started as an awkward silence had quickly stretched into uncomfortable silence, Maya stunned speechless and struggling to process the information.
“I knew it was a possibility,” Maya found herself saying, but to her ear, she sounded like she was under water. Her voice sounded garbled and belatedly, she realized it was because she was crying.
An unexpected response.
The doctor frowned, nodding slightly, “Being told you’re sterile your entire life is much different than staring at the test results confirming it.”
Maya shook her head. “I don’t want kids anyway,” she said, trying to brush it off. It was true. She had never wanted children, it was always a far-off concept that other people discussed and it never sparked her interest. “It’s not that big a deal,” she said, which was contrary to the tears streaming down her face. Obviously part of her thought maybe...
“There’s a difference between not wanting children and being unable to have them. These test results come with finality, even if it was the outcome you always expected.”
Maya sighed, wiping her face with her sleeve. “Thanks anyway,” she said, as though the test results were the doctor’s fault.
The doctor clearly had more to say. He wasn’t Maya’s normal physician, but he seemed okay, he seemed to want to comfort her. “I don’t have tetragametic chimerism syndrome like you,” he started, “But I had mumps as a child and I didn’t want children either, I was going to get a vasectomy and a doctor friend suggested that I freeze my sperm just in case. Found out I was sterile,” he shared and Maya had no idea if this was appropriate or not, but it was kind of making her feel better. “I was devastated, even though I didn’t want kids and was getting a vasectomy.”
Maya nodded slowly. “So, it’s normal?”
“Completely,” he assured her. “You’re allowed to feel however you feel about the test results.”
Maya took a deep breath, “Thanks, Dr. Moody, I- that actually helps.”
He smiled, “Glad to hear it. If it helps more, I’ve never changed my mind. My wife and I have a great life just the two of us.”
Well, Maya didn’t have a wife. Or a husband..
“There’s no reason for this result to change your life. Just give yourself time to process it.”
Maya couldn’t believe it. She actually agreed with him. She did need time to process it and she had no idea how to do that because her condition was a secret. She loved her friends dearly and she trusted them with her life, but she couldn’t bring herself to trust them with her secret.
And there was no reason to.
She looked like an average woman, there was no reason for them to know she had two sets of DNA and a penis rather than a vagina. She’d come terrifyingly close to spilling the beans when she was drunk, but she was terrified it would change people’s perception of her. They might look at her with pity. Worse, they may look at her as a curiosity.
She wasn’t being overly cautious either. It was something she had shared with someone she thought was her best friend and when they had a slight tiff, the first thing that “friend” did was spread the news all over the school. That was the moment her Mom took her out of education in Portland and made the move to Seattle in time to start high school.
It felt like the end of the world at the time, but a fresh start was exactly what she needed.
It wasn’t lost on her that if she was an up and coming athlete now, her condition would have disqualified her from competing as a woman at the Olympics. It might have been rare, but she wondered if there were young athletes now who share her diagnosis who were going through the grief of losing out on their dreams.
Now she was trying to process something many people dream about, but something she had never cared about. At least, she had never cared about it until she found out she couldn’t do it. It was one thing to not want children, but her doctor was right. Not being able to have children was a completely different situation and her complex feelings had nowhere to go. She could probably discuss it with her best friends, but she would have to provide details that she didn’t have because she had no idea what women went through to find out about their fertility odds.
She came in a cup and she just didn’t think that’s how fertility testing went for biological women.
And Carina was an OBGYN. Not only would she be offended that Maya didn’t seek her out for advice, but she would probably ask technical questions that Maya couldn’t answer...even if she was willing to research the details. She sighed as she climbed behind the wheel, chewing her lip as she tried to decide what to do next.
She could drown her sorrows in a fast food lunch.
Or, she could go straight to Carina’s and share vague enough information about her diagnosis that her friend could cheer her up. She wasn’t supposed to meet her for another hour and a half, but she knew that Carina was off and just hanging at home. Maya groaned, deciding to do both. She would swing by a drive-thru and get something for Carina, too. She couldn’t be mad at her turning up early if she was carrying a large bag of greasy deliciousness.
“Why are you so early?” Carina complained the moment she opened her front door and found her best friend waiting.
Maya frowned. It was a typical greeting, but she was bummed out and looking for something nicer. “I brought food,” she said, holding up the bag without answering Carina’s question.
Carina narrowed her eyes before reaching out to snatch the bag from Maya’s hand, “You can live,” she teased blowing Maya an air kiss as she opened the bag and stuffed a handful of fries into her mouth before she could even reach the kitchen counter. “Delicious,” she smiled, digging a burger and fries out of the bag before pushing it across the countertop toward Maya.
Maya hummed as she took a bite of a cheeseburger, her head moving back and forth as she stuffed three french fries in her mouth. “So salty,” she commented, but it obviously wasn’t a complaint because she immediately stuffed another three french fries in her mouth, still humming as she chewed.
Carina shook her head, chuckling as she reached over with a napkin to wipe the ketchup from Maya’s chin. “Why are you here so early?” she asked.
Maya frowned, swallowing the mouth full of food as she tried to decide whether to be open and honest with Carina. “Nothing else to do,” she said, opting to lie in this instance. She would tell her eventually, she wanted to, but Carina had invited her over because she had something to share, so she didn’t want to step all over her news.
Carina tilted her head in suspicion, she wasn’t sure she believed Maya, but she knew there was no point pushing. If Maya wanted to talk about it, she would eventually talk about it. But, it would have to be in her own time.
“So, what’s your news?” Maya asked.
Carina grinned, dropping her burger on its wrapper before wiping her hands on the same napkin she’d used to clean Maya’s face, “I’m having a baby!”
Maya’s jaw dropped in surprise, “You’re-” she was buffering.
“Not pregnant,” Carina immediately clarified. “Yet.”
Maya frowned, trying to process what exactly Carina was trying to tell her.
“You know I’ve been thinking about having a baby on my own,” she reminded.
Maya nodded slowly in recognition, “Sure, yeah, you- you’re not getting any younger,” she said, completely missing the scowl on Carina’s face, but it was precisely what Carina had told her when she’d broached the subject in the first place.
Carina scoffed, “Rude, but not exactly inaccurate. I found a donor,” she was smiling so widely Maya was having a hard time holding a smile of her own in. How could she be upset when her best friend looked so happy? “I’m going to DIY it.”
Maya’s eyes widened in surprise, “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she found herself asking. “I mean-” she didn’t want to rain on her parade. “Sperm is expensive,” she said and that was a fact that she knew because she’d heard Andy discussing it with her cousin.
Carina shrugged, “If I’m unsuccessful with this attempt, I will find a doctor. I know I’m an OBGYN and encourage people to use medical interventions, but I would really like to see if I can make it work in the comfort of my own home.”
Maya pointed to the floor, “This home,” she said and duh, what other home would she be talking about?
Carina nodded. “The donor is going to come and make his deposit and then I will take his deposit and baste myself,” she said, complete with hand gestures. “I’m going to have a party.”
“You’re-” it was Maya’s turn to scowl now. “A jerk off party?” Maya needed clarity here.
“I am certainly not going to call it that,” Carina scoffed. “But yes, I want my closest friends and family here with me.”
“You’re going to invite your brother to a party that ends with some guy jerking into a cup and you taking his batter and shoving it in your hot pocket?”
Hot pocket?
What was wrong with her?!
Carina made a face, “My brother won’t be thinking about my hot pocket. He’s a doctor, we think of these things in incredibly clinical terms.”
“Everyone will be thinking about your hot pocket, you’re inviting them over with the express purpose of thinking about your hot pocket, Carina. And the donor is coming to your house? Do you know him? Did you just find him on Craigslist and invite him over to jerk off in your home?”
“Why are you trying to ruin this for me?” Carina asked in annoyance, ignoring Maya’s questions.
Maya’s mouth opened in surprise, “I’m not,” she immediately defended herself, but she could understand why Carina thought she was. It wasn’t Carina’s fault that she had just received devastating medical news. “I’m sorry, just- it’s a little weird,” she tried again.
Carina shrugged, “It is a little weird, I know, Bambina, but- spending time with the people I love relaxes me and that’s a good position to be in for fertility success.”
Fertility success.
Maya couldn’t argue with her because she didn’t know a single damn thing about fertility success.
“Will you come?”
Maya’s ears burned red as she tried to put the thought of coming out of her mind to be present for her best friend. She nodded. “Of course, I will.”
“Thank you!” Carina celebrated, rounding the counter to give her a squeeze, laughing as Maya tried to wiggle away from the affection.
~~~
Andy appeared in her office with a smile on her face and an excitement that suggested Carina had already reached out to invite her to her baby making party. “Hey,” she greeted, waving a small card in the air.
“What’s that?” Maya asked. She didn’t want to beat around the bush, she wanted to know what Andy wanted. She didn’t have the patience for preamble.
“An invitation to Carina’s Adult Swim Party-”
Maya narrowed her eyes, “She sent out invitations?” she asked in surprise, completely ignoring the name of the party, mostly because she hadn’t received a physical invitation. “For a jerk-off party?”
Andy rolled her eyes, taking a seat without invitation, “What’s your problem?”
Maya scowled, arms folding across her chest defensively, “What’s your problem?”
Andy shrugged, “You would need to be more specific, I have several,” she stared, eyes narrowing as she glared at Maya.
Maya couldn’t help but laugh at that, “I had some testing done,” she said turning serious, “And the doctor told me I’m sterile.”
Andy’s jaw dropped in surprise.
“And then I went straight to my best-friend’s place to talk about it and she announced her turkey baster bash.”
“Jerk off party. Turkey baster bash. I’m getting the distinct feeling that you’re not supportive of Carina’s decision.”
Maya groaned.
Andy frowned, “I’m sorry you’re sterile,” she offered.
Maya appreciated that she didn’t immediately downplay the seriousness of her news despite knowing she had never wanted children.
“Complicated feelings?” she asked.
Maya nodded, “I didn’t know I needed the door to be open until it was slammed in my face.”
“What did Carina say?” Andy asked curiously.
Maya’s eyes widened, “I didn’t tell her! I didn’t want to ruin her news.”
“Did you call it a jerk off party to her face?”
Maya groaned, but nodded to confirm she had.
“Did you call it a turkey baster bash to her face?”
Maya shook her head, “No.”
“Well, thank god for small mercies,” Andy said with a laugh. “Can you at least try to put on a happy supportive face for her?”
Maya snatched the invitation from her hand, lifting her eyebrows in surprise, “I can definitely drink the,” Maya’s eyes narrowed, “Sperm meets egg-nog cocktail,” she said with a gag.
Andy made a face. “Finally, something that won’t make you hum while you drink it.”
“I don’t hum when I drink,” Maya argued.
“You hum when you eat,” Andy pointed out.
“That’s different,” Maya shrugged.
“It’s a little neurotic,” she whispered.
“I don’t even know I’m doing it,” Maya said in her defense.
“That’s part of the neuroticism,” Andy smirked.
Maya sighed. “You should go for fertility testing,” she said suddenly. “You’re not getting any younger.”
Andy scoffed, “Excuse me?”
“That’s why Carina is doing this, no time to wait,” Maya gestured.
“Why were you getting fertility tests?” she asked suspiciously.
Maya pursed her lips. That was an incredibly personal question, but she definitely brought it on herself.
Andy arched a brow, the set of her jaw making it quite clear that she wouldn’t move until she had an answer. The question now was whether Maya would share her most closely held secret. She didn’t feel like she could tell Carina, but she wasn’t sure why.
“They always do a battery of tests when I go for my annual physical...I have a condition called Tetragametic chimerism.”
Andy tried to repeat the words, “Tetrisgemic chameleon,” but failed terribly. “And what is that when it’s at home?”
“It’s a sex chromosome disorder. I’ve told you I absorbed my twin in utero?”
Andy nodded. She knew the story well.
“Well, now I have two sets of DNA, boobs, and,” she gestured southerly, “A penis.”
Andy gasped, slapping her hand over her mouth as though she could claw it back in, “How did I not know this?” she asked in complete confusion.
Maya frowned, “It’s not exactly something I share with people.”
“I’m not people, Maya,” Andy argued. “I am one of your best friends. We’ve showered together,” she said, adding to her own confusion.
“So was the girl who told everyone in school and forced us to move states.”
“Oh, Bish,” Andy frowned. “So- it works?” she asked, eyes drifting.
“It does, but it’s firing blanks,” Maya shrugged. “It’s-” she groaned a little, spinning in her chair before she planted her feet. “Infertility rates are high…”
“So, chimerism is a form of intersex?” Andy hoped she wasn’t being offensive.
“Not exactly. The majority of people with chimerism aren’t intersex, I’m just one of the lucky ones, I guess.”
Andy nodded. She wasn’t sure whether Maya was being sarcastic or not.
“A lot of people have ambiguous genitalia and my tallywacker is small, but mighty. My female DNA did make an attempt, but it didn’t try hard enough.”
Andy wasn’t sure what that meant and didn’t think it was appropriate to ask. “How small?” Andy asked, slapping her hand over her mouth, shaking her head, “You don’t have to answer that,” she said through her hand. That was not appropriate either, what the hell was wrong with her?
“Please don’t ask to see it,” Maya grumbled.
“Of course not! I’m not a complete moron,” Andy scoffed. “But seriously…”
“It’s basically average,” Maya rolled her eyes.
Andy immediately taking her phone out to google the average penis size was not subtle, but Maya ignored it.
“Usually, it’s the ovarian tissue that’s functional, last time I checked nobody had two working testes, but I guess I thought maybe at least one of mine was spitting fire.”
“Spitting fire?” Andy repeated. “Jerk off party. Turkey baster bash. Tallywacker. What’s gotten into you?”
Maya sighed. She had kept exactly two secrets in her life. The first, she had already just divulged to Andy and it felt big, it felt huge actually. She felt lighter, especially with Andy’s reaction. Okay, she wasn’t the most tactful, but Maya could see her friend cared and was doing her best to keep her word vomit at bay. She chose to trust her with the first secret, why couldn’t she trust her with the second?
“I’m in love with Carina and she’s having someone else’s baby and even if I was brave enough to tell her that I’m in love with her, I can’t give her the one thing she wants.”
Andy’s jaw dropped again. “What?!”
Maya shrugged.
“Wow,” Andy sat back. “How long?”
Maya laughed bitterly, “The moment we met, I think.”
“How?” Andy stared at her in complete bafflement. “But- why didn’t you sleep with her then?”
“I tried to. Well- no, I- we were flirting heavily, she saw me in the ER with the nose, she recognized me, we were flirting, but then other people from Grey Sloan came in and I suddenly remembered that she knew all the same people as me. I couldn’t risk telling her-”
“Because she might tell other people?” Andy asked in surprise. “You know Carina isn’t like that.”
“But I didn’t know that then,” Maya reminded her. “I just saw the threat and I couldn’t bring myself to go through with it and then we just became friends. I’ve been stuck in that holding pattern ever since.”
“You-” Andy sighed. “I get it.”
“It’s a lot.”
“It’s so much,” Andy agreed. “I’m really sorry that you’ve been going through all this alone.”
“I’ve been doing it almost my entire life,” she shrugged.
“But- but you love self-care Wednesdays.” Andy knew she hadn’t asked a question, but she was confused.
“Men aren’t likely to spill the beans because god forbid someone think they like getting fucked in the ass and women-” Maya shrugged. “A lot of them see me as a novelty, they probably tell their friends about it, but I never see them again, so what does it matter?”
“So.”
“So,” Maya nodded.
“So, um, what did you mean by it made an attempt?” Andy just couldn’t help herself.
Maya huffed, “My diagnosis came really early, luckily, and it was because they noticed I was different,” she gestured to her pants. “The attempt, even if only slight. And my Mom protected me from my Dad by letting me figure it out for myself when I was little. I was making decisions toward certain stereotypically girly things and so my Mom went with that despite the penis.”
“That’s kinda based.”
“I know,” Maya chuckled bitterly. “Who would have thought it? I guess she had an intersex cousin and it was handled so badly that it stuck with her. She reached out to her cousin for advice immediately, for what he would have wanted for himself,” she nodded. “They butchered him and started raising him as a girl and he was well into adulthood before he said that wasn’t right and then found out he was intersex. They never even told him.”
Andy’s mouth opened in surprise, “Wow. Do you- do you talk to him?”
“He passed away when I was still a teenager...but he helped protect me,” she said with a small smile. “And I’ll appreciate that about him forever.”
~~~
Maya was a good friend.
She always had been.
Whether her friends knew her secret or not, she was loyal, tenacious, and she would kill someone and bury the body if the need arose. Sure, she had her moments, but she always wanted the best for the people she cared about, even if that meant watching Carina impregnate herself with Craigslist sperm.
Well, not literally.
She wasn’t expecting a front-row seat or anything. The point was that she was there to support her best friend in all of her endeavors, even if she had serious questions about how wise this move was. She knew how badly Carina wanted a family of her own and it was true, she wasn’t getting any younger.
Maya was just in her feelings about it all.
And it didn’t help that everyone was so excited to attend Carina’s Adult Swim party. They were equally as excited about the sperm meets egg-nog cocktail and while Maya was definitely going to drink it, she wished they had chosen another name. Something more wholesome for a concoction of egg nog, amaretto, rum, and spices over ice. It tasted like Christmas, but all she could think of was cum.
“This is delicious,” Teddy complimented the cocktail as she took another sip. And Maya agreed because she had enjoyed half a dozen sperm meets egg-nog cocktails at least, which was a poor decision because it wasn’t the type of drink to commit to. It was the type of drink to limit to two before switching to something lighter. Her stomach would probably revolt if she kept it up.
“Okay,” Vic interrupted. “Serious question,” she said, turning to Carina. “If one of us could produce sperm, who would you ask to be your donor?” she asked.
“Uh,” Travis cleared his throat, “I can produce sperm.”
“Me too,” Ben muttered.
Vic waved them away, “I’m talking about girlfriends,” she said dismissively.
That drew a laugh from the crowd.
“Well, that’s not hurtful,” Travis scoffed.
“Um,” Carina hummed as she looked around the room, “Bailey,” she said with a firm nod.
Ben grinned, “Good choice.”
“Why?” Amelia asked, clearly deeply offended that Carina hadn’t chosen her.
“She’s tough and firm, but fair and compassionate. Quick-witted-”
“Why don’t you just ask her out,” Amelia scoffed.
Carina rolled her eyes. “You asked,” she said with a shrug.
“Well what’s wrong with me?” Amelia asked in annoyance, “Or Maya! Why wouldn’t you pick your best friend??”
Carina chuckled nervously, “Oh no, you’re insane and Maya is hyper-competitive, super defensive, too controlled, and more than a little neurotic,” she said dismissively, waving her hand, completely missing the look of hurt that crossed Maya’s face.
Andy frowned, “I’d pick Maya,” she said, speaking up in defense of her friend. She knew that Carina didn’t really mean anything by it, but Maya’s feelings were obviously hurt. Part of her was relieved that Maya had fessed up all her secrets because now Andy could cheer her up instead of leaving her to stew alone.
“Me too,” Vic chipped in, even though she had no idea why.
“I would have picked Carina until I found out she wouldn’t pick me,” Amelia said, sticking her tongue out.
Carina just rolled her eyes, but the smile on her face didn’t budge. She was obviously too focused on the next step of the party, which was basting herself. The donor had already sent a text to let her know he had made his deposit and left it in on the sink in her bathroom before leaving. She couldn’t believe how seamless the night had gone, she had managed to let him in and show him to the bathroom without anyone noticing him and he had managed to slip out without being seen.
Maya couldn’t help but wonder if Carina was truly basting herself or if she had enlisted her mentee to handle that part of the proceedings. Jo was there, it would make sense, but nobody had asked for those details and Maya was too afraid to. Quick to share their judgment, slow to ask invasive questions with potentially embarrassing answers.
Maya shook her head, she didn’t want to think about the details. In fact, she didn’t even want to be in the room anymore. She found herself on her feet, leaning against the wall a bit to hold herself up as she went to the bathroom, opting to seek privacy in Carina’s en suite bathroom rather than using the guest bathroom.
“What made you choose this donor?” Vic asked curiously.
A look of contentment settled on Carina’s face as she leaned back against the couch with her eyes closed, “I wanted someone with similar coloring to mine because I didn’t want to take the risk of having a child who doesn’t look like me-” she frowned at how it sounded when she said it out loud. “I just don’t want to have to constantly explain my circumstances,” she said by way of explanation. “Then, someone smart, kind, and in good health,” she shrugged.
“That’s exactly how I pick my boyfriends,” Travis joked, shrugging when everyone laughed.
“I was going to say that’s what I look for in a rescue dog, but that too,” Andy said with a shake of her head.
“But what if you meet someone tomorrow?” Ben asked. He didn’t want to judge, he was just curious because life could be unexpected. It was definitely unpredictable. His had been, so many of his greatest blessings landed in his lap when he least expected them.
Carina shrugged, “I would need to spend quite some time deciding if they were the one I wanted to have children with, and I don’t need to worry about it now,” she said. “If it was going to happen for me, it would have by now. I’m tired of waiting around for life to happen to me when I have always been someone who makes things happen for myself.”
Andrew couldn’t help but smile at that, “That’s my big sister,” he chuckled knowingly.
“It’s weird that you’re here, dude,” Travis told him with a straight face.
He rolled his eyes, “I’m a doctor,” he said seriously. “This is a procedure. I will support my sister the way she would support me.”
“Your sister would come with you to jack off into a cup?” Vic teased.
“I would,” Carina confirmed, her face serious. And straight. “I mean, I wouldn’t be in the room with him! Just like he isn’t going to be in the room with me!”
They were close, but not that close.
“Fair,” Travis conceded.
“I mean, it’s a little weird,” Ben agreed. “And I say that as someone who thinks it’s a little weird that I’m here, but Miranda told me-” he grunted as his wife’s elbow hit him in the ribs. “I think it’s wonderful,” he said, changing his tune through gritted teeth.
“I’m not overly concerned with what other people think about my decision-”
“Oh, the decision isn’t weird,” Ben spoke up quickly, even though he did think Carina had already met the one and just hadn’t realized it yet. He thought it was cool that she was ready to do it on her own because she was right, she was the type of person to make things happen for herself. “The party is weird,” he clarified.
Carina couldn’t help but laugh at that, “I know it is,” she shrugged, “But- I just want to celebrate this life changing moment with the people I love.”
“Okay, pretend Bailey isn’t here,” Amelia started up again. “Which of us would you choose then?”
Maya closed the bathroom door firmly behind her, immediately locking it as she leaned hard against it, trying her best to breathe through a wave of nausea. She had made many mistakes in her life, so many, but right now her greatest error truly was sucking down those damned sperm meets egg-nog cocktails.
Her eyes landed on a little jar sitting on the sink. She opened her mouth in surprise, realizing that it was the donor sample. She had been led to believe he would be there, that they would have an opportunity to meet him, but she hadn’t seen him. It was kind of a relief that Carina didn’t want him to hang out at the party. He obviously came in, came, and went.
Coward.
Maya swallowed nervously, approaching the jar carefully. It wasn’t a bomb, but she still tiptoed gingerly to take a peek, shivering as she did. “Gross,” she muttered as she held up the jar holding a generous sample.
She would never be able to explain what happened next. It was like the weight of the situation finally dawned on her and all she could think about was that the woman she was madly in love with was about to inseminate herself with a stranger’s sperm.
Maya wanted to be happy for her. And part of her was, of course she was. She absolutely wanted Carina to have everything she desired in life; she was just having a hard time accepting that she was not on that list. As if finding out that she was sterile the same day as her best friend announced her plans wasn’t bad enough, she just had to kick her while she was down and dismiss her as a potential donor.
“Because Maya is so awful,” she mumbled as she sat the jar back where she had found it, completely oblivious to the fact the lid wasn’t fully secure. “Who would ever be stupid enough to have a child with monster Maya?” there was no room for anger, she was overwhelmed by hurt instead. It was the story of her life, so she had no idea why it hurt her feelings so much. It wasn’t new, she should have been used to it by now. “Super defensive is right,” she sniffled as she unzipped her jeans to pee. “And neurotic,” she mimicked Carina’s accent as she said it. “Don’t forget hyper-competitive and controlled,” she added, glaring at the jar as though it was her enemy and not something that had potentially set Carina back a pretty penny.
Maybe sperm was cheaper on Craigslist.
She had no idea.
Actually, Carina had never confirmed whether she had found the donor on Craigslist, that was just the question Maya had posed. So, she really had no idea what price range her best friend was working with. How much was sperm going for these days? She had never looked into it, she made her own.
She peed quickly, zipping up before hitting the tap on to wash her hands. One clumsy drunken move to the soap dispenser sent the unsecured jar into the sink, the running water making quick work of what was essentially liquid gold. “Oh no,” Maya gulped, staring as the still-running sink washed the entire sample away. “Carina was right, I am a monster,” she groaned, turning to pace the floor of the en suite bathroom, fingertips rubbing her temples.
She shouldn’t have sought out privacy, she should have stuck with the guest bathroom like every other drunken idiot at the party.
“Fuck,” she muttered like a mantra as she chewed on her nails trying to decide what to do. This was perhaps the worst thing she had ever done. “Such a fuck up.” Until the best solution she could come up with, which was potentially...exponentially worse. Her gaze drifted down, eyeing her crotch while nausea churned in her stomach. “Good thing I’m sterile,” she said apologetically, leafing through Carina’s magazine rack for something, anything that could help her on her journey. She shrugged when she spotted a celebrity gossip rag with Jennifer Aniston on the cover, “You’ll do in a rush,” she muttered, unzipping before she could second guess herself.
It was diabolical, but she could justify it easily. Admitting her mistake would anger Carina, she would be furious and assume that Maya had done it intentionally. Maya would have to cough up the money to cover Carina’s expenses and face her scorn. But this way? Well, Maya wasn’t an expert, but she knew that DIY’ing it had a fairly low success rate in ideal conditions, especially for someone Carina’s age. Surely Carina would know that it might take multiple attempts to succeed? She had mentioned doing it through a doctor if this effort failed. So, Carina would use Maya’s blighted baby batter and when she got the results of her negative pregnancy test, she would try again. She already had a plan for that.
It was obviously the least disastrous way to handle it.
Right?
Right!
That’s exactly what she told herself as she jerked herself into the jar her best friend thought would be her one-way ticket to motherhood.
~~~
“Where the hell did you disappear to the other night?” Andy asked, appearing in her office with a deep frown on her face. “And where the fuck have you been since? It’s been three days!”
Maya groaned, her hands gesturing for Andy to speak quietly.
Andy lifted her brow in annoyance, “Are you hungover?”
“No!” Maya said, wincing at her own raised voice. “No, I just-”
“Carina was wondering,” Andy informed her. “She called last night and said you hadn’t replied to any of her texts. I know you’re fucked up over your news, but you can’t hold that against Carina when you haven’t even been upfront with her.”
Maya rolled her eyes, but she knew Andy was right.
“And you called at like three in the morning after the party and I couldn’t even get a word in, you were rambling all kinds of nonsense about being in a rush and a crush on Jennifer Aniston? Something about her being perfect, but I don’t know what at. It was incredibly absurd and even more confusing than the time you drank absinthe.”
Maya shook her head, “I don’t have a crush on Jennifer Aniston,” she denied. She rarely thought about Jennifer Aniston at all unless Carina was watching Friends. She did have a warm feeling in her belly every time she said honey, but was that a crush? Doubtful. “I have no idea why I would be talking about her at all,” Maya paused, slightly puzzled. “I just- I had so many of those stupid sperm cocktails. I was hammered, I don’t remember much of anything after-” Maya closed her eyes trying to remember the last moment she could, “Well, it’s all patchy, to be honest.”
Andy shrugged. “So, you’re okay? Because your face when Carina picked Bailey and said-”
Unfortunately, she did remember that.
“I just needed to blow off some steam,” Maya shrugged, interrupting her before she repeated the insults Carina had tossed out so carelessly.
“With alcohol or-”
Maya bit her lip. “First with alcohol and then with-”
Andy groaned before Maya could speak, “Sex isn’t the solution,” she told her.
Maya frowned, “I was actually going to say french fries. There were lots of french fries. Too many and that’s coming from me, a person who thinks no french fry should be left uneaten.”
Andy laughed a little, sighing in relief, “How are you feeling? Now that you’ve had a few days to process everything?”
Maya shook her head, “I’m fine.”
Andy stared at her for a moment before leaning forward, “Maya, Carina didn’t mean what she said-”
“Yes, she did,” Maya interrupted. “She absolutely did. She didn’t just have a list of my flaws ready to go for no reason. It’s fine.”
“Carina doesn’t even know,” she reminded her.
Maya shrugged, “And yet.”
It was hard for Andy to argue that when Carina had answered without hesitation, she didn’t even take a beat.
“I guess it’s one thing to think you have no chance with someone and another to have it confirmed,” Maya said. “Just like being sterile.”
Double yikes.
“Sperm meets egg-nog was delicious, though,” she added, as though she had to find a silver lining.
“I didn’t care for the texture,” Andy said without thinking.
Maya smirked.
“Whatever you’re going to say,” she pointed, “Don’t! I’m going to work, Captain.”
Maya was generally ultra-focused at work. She was controlled and neurotic, those were helpful traits when running a busy fire station, but today her defensive side was overwhelming everything. She was thinking about Carina obsessively. Wondering what part she may play in Carina’s child’s life, whether she would be “auntie” or maybe Carina would ask her to be the godmother. No, of course she wouldn’t be the godmother, what kind of parent would want a hyper-competitive, neurotic godparent for their child? She frowned, she couldn’t help but wonder why Carina hung out with her if that’s how she saw her.
Sadly, it wasn’t just that day. Every shift became an excuse to withdraw to her office and fret about the state of their friendship, even though she was the one completely ignoring all of Carina’s messages. And when she was off shift, she spent time at bars and stayed over with her one-night stands to avoid surprise visits on her doorstep. She felt guilty, she felt uneasy, and she had no idea what was driving those emotions. Yes, her feelings were hurt over Carina being so dismissive about having a hypothetical baby with her, but it shouldn’t bother her this much.
There was just something else she couldn’t put her finger on and until she could, she didn’t want to be around Carina. That being said, a few days had stretched to more than two weeks and Carina’s messages were growing increasingly concerned, so she would need to get in touch with her soon. Maya was certain Andy would have made excuses for her, but that wasn’t Andy’s job. Maya was being immature because she couldn’t get a grip on her own emotions. She just needed to pick up dinner and knock on Carina’s door, apologize for her weird distance, and support her best friend.
A knock on her office door drew her out of her stupor, “Enter,” she called out, curious as to which member of her team suddenly learned to wait for permission to enter. “Oh,” she said in surprise as Carina walked through the door, “Hey,” she greeted.
“Hey,” Carina smiled softly. “I haven’t heard from you,” she said, “Thought I’d drop in on my way home and see if everything was okay.”
“Oh sure,” Maya nodded. “Everything is great. Just, work has been really busy, I’m sorry I’ve been so bad at staying in touch,” she managed somewhat painfully.
Carina nodded, but she didn’t look convinced, watching Maya carefully. “Are you sure?” she asked, knowing how Maya preferred to lock everything down rather than share.
Maya nodded, “Yeah, just-” she sighed. “I feel bad for being so absent recently,” she offered with a shrug, hoping that would be enough to satisfy her friend.
“I’m pregnant,” Carina told her.
Maya felt a wave of shock run through her body, she’d been told home insemination wasn’t as effective, Ben specifically had told her it would probably take a few attempts. She wasn’t mentally prepared for this news. “Congratulations,” she managed, that feeling of sickness rising in her chest. “I’m really happy for you,” she was certain she sounded genuine. She did mean it, but she also didn’t.
It was incredibly confusing.
“I can’t believe it,” she found herself saying aloud.
“There’s more,” Carina said as she took a deep breath, “I’m moving.”
Maya nodded, it made perfect sense. “I guess living in downtown Seattle isn’t ideal for raising a baby,” she should have expected that honestly. “What are you thinking? Bellevue? Windermere? Kirkland? Mercer Island? I have some friends in Vashon, it’s really quiet, just have to keep an eye out for wildlife-”
“No,” Carina shook her head, “Maya,” she paused. “Bambina, Andrea got a job offer in Philadelphia and I want my baby to grow up with family close by; Andrea is the only family I have left,” she shrugged. “Gabri lives in Allentown and her hospital needs a decent OBGYN, they’ve offered me head of the department, so-”
Maya stared in shock, gulping as she tried to formulate an answer, “Carina-”
She smiled sadly, “We’ll keep in touch.”
Maya shook her head, why did it sound so final then?
“I should have told you it was a possibility sooner,” she said with a frown. “I’ve known for a little while and it was part of the reason I wanted to do the insemination with everyone around me. The party felt a little like a goodbye party without all the sad tears.”
“How long?” Maya asked.
“Andrea started the interview process a few months ago and I had a position lined up and ready the moment he got through to the final round, I knew he’d get it, so-”
“Why wouldn’t you tell me?”
Carina shrugged, “I didn’t want to freak you out until I knew for sure.”
“When do you leave?”
“This weekend.”
Maya’s jaw dropped, “Carina, what? We won’t even have time to hang out properly before you go?”
“We will! We’ll have at least a night, I will make time,” she promised.
The klaxon sounded, ruining any chance of further discussion. Maya sighed, but immediately rose to her feet, “I have to go,” she said, racing out of her office feeling even worse than she had before. Maybe she sensed that change was afoot, maybe her weird feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness were because she knew Carina was sitting on major news.
As for Carina stressing that Andrea was her only family left, Maya chose to ignore the way that hurt. She knew it was technically correct, that her brother was the only family she had left, but she’d always considered Carina family.
Then again, she didn’t really have anyone else.