Chapter Text
The door slams. Hard.
Too hard compared to the noise I’d just come from, all those people staring at me without daring to say a word, yet shouting and pointing at me after I’d walked past them. The feeling of hearing them whisper in my ear about my past, which, in the end, is just a part of this miserable life.
Disventure Camp. At first, I kept telling myself that they knew nothing, that they couldn’t possibly know anything because they’d only seen that stupid reality TV show and had their eyes wide open, round as bubbles, when they heard the atrocities I’d spoken of, the degrading acts I’d committed.
But now, I ask myself, mostly while standing in front of the mirror, did I even give anyone the chance to see what lies behind this shell I built brick by brick until I was suffocating from the lack of air?
Don’t I deserve all of this? Of course you do. Of course you deserve it, Yul. Because they’re right. I’m just a horrible person, with a horrible smile, a horrible face, and a horrible way of being, thinking, and acting. I’m simply disgusting, and deep down, I’m grateful to the people who shouted it at me.
I thank Grett, my brother, my father, my mother, and all those fans who booed me so that I’d be ashamed, so that I’d run off to lock myself away and cry somewhere, so that I’d disappear. Well, that’s exactly what I did.
I slammed the door to my apartment one last time.
And I disappeared for three years.
Three years of moping, three years of crying and sobbing in my drab bed, three years during which I barely ate and when I did, I ordered food under a made-up name.
I’d cut off all my connections, my whole life; I’d changed everything, abandoned everything, thrown it all in the trash to become a ghost.
When I wasn’t in the dark or under the cold water of the shower, I’d check my phone to see what people were saying, whether they were still talking about me or just spitting on my face.
Some people talked about the fact that I was dead; others said, “Good riddance.” It was both calm and suffocating at the same time, reading those posts one by one.
During those three years, I did things that made me hate myself even more, because I thought I deserved it, I thought I deserved everything: all the cuts, all the screaming, all the vomiting.
Then one day I went too far, and just when I thought I was definitely lifeless,
The sun, which I hadn’t seen in a long time, came out, came out to me, came out to help me.