Chapter Text
"Hey, princess,” Sieun heard as he headed across campus to his English lecture. He recognized the voice. He ignored it. Kept walking.
It was a boiling hot Monday morning in the middle of August. Students stood laughing and talking with friends around the courtyard he was crossing. The sun beamed down on Sieun, making him desperately wish he’d taken off his jacket before leaving his last class.
“Ignoring me again?” Keum Seongje asked, walking beside Sieun now. His stride was relaxed and casual compared to Sieun’s tense posture. “You’re so cold, Sieun-ah.”
“Don’t call me that,” Sieun snapped, jaw tightening.
Seongje had been following him around and bothering him ever since the semester started 2 weeks ago. It was just a little bit annoying at first. Sieun thought Seongje just wanted to be friends. But by the 4th day of the semester, he realized the guy had other intentions. He liked to call Sieun pet names. And touch him. All the time.
Sieun would have filed a complaint about him to the school already, but Seongje had somehow found out something about him– Something that could ruin his life if anyone found out. It was why he hadn’t told anyone except his parents and his two closest friends, Yeongi and Juntae, and he was extremely careful about hiding it. But for some fucked-up reason, Seongje knew. And every day he made sure Sieun remembered that he knew.
“Come on, baby,” Seongje frowned, stepping in front of him and cutting him off, arms crossed over his chest. “Why do you hate me so much? I’ve only been nice to you.”
Sieun had the urge to punch him– shove him away– something. But there were too many people around watching them. The last thing he wanted was to cause a scene.
He ignored the taller guy, keeping his eyes narrowed as he adjusted his path. His lecture started in 4 minutes. He needed to hurry.
But Seongje grabbed Sieun’s arm as he pushed past him.
“Would you come have lunch with me, sweetheart?” He asked, voice sickeningly sweet, a small smile on his lips. “Please? We should hang out. I want to get to know you better.”
Sieun stopped, squeezing his eyes shut and taking a deep breath to try and compose himself.
“I have class right now,” He answered, hoping his voice hadn’t come out shaky. “And you know I’m eating with Yeongi and Juntae.”
He stared at Seongje’s hand as it gripped his wrist. The guy opened his mouth to speak again, but his phone rang suddenly, distracting him. Sieun took the opportunity to pry himself free and hurry inside before Seongje could catch him again.
Sieun felt exhausted and irritated when he reached the lecture hall for his English class. And it didn't help that sitting in the seat beside his usual spot was Ahn Suho.
Suho was one of those “campus heartthrob” types. Everyone wanted him. And he wanted everyone– sexually, anyway, it seemed. He had a reputation for sleeping around and breaking hearts. People around campus thought that he never dated because he couldn’t stay tied down to just one person.
Personally, Sieun disliked Suho for many reasons, but the guy’s sex life was currently the least of his concerns.
“What are you doing?” He asked coldly, his grip tightening on the straps of his bag.
Suho was on his phone, leg bouncing, fingers tapping a beat as he hummed the melody of a song Sieun remembered playing on the radio in Juntae’s car once. He wore an annoyingly spotless white T-shirt and a pair of jeans, his jacket thrown lazily across the back of his chair, backpack dropped right on Sieun’s seat.
He looked up, meeting Sieun’s icy gaze. He quickly grabbed his bag, flashing a smile in an attempt at friendliness.
“My bad,” He apologized. “No lecture today. We’re starting that project today, remember? We’re in the same group.”
Sieun blinked.
“You’re kidding.”
Suho rolled his eyes, shutting off his phone and leaning back in his chair.
“Trust me– I hate it just as much as you do. If I could switch groups, I would.”
Sieun let out an exasperated breath as he put his things down.
“Whatever. Let’s just get this over with,” He sighed, taking a seat.
-
Things went well for exactly 2 minutes before Sieun and Suho started to argue.
“This doesn’t make any sense,” Suho complained, tapping the eraser of his pencil repeatedly on the surface of his desk. “What exactly are we supposed to be doing?”
Sieun gave him a look.
“You’d understand it better if you’d been paying any attention to the last 5 minutes of class. Did you even read the instructions?” He pushed over a sheet with guidelines and a rubric.
Suho rolled his eyes, ignoring the paper.
“I was paying attention, thank you. It’s just confusing. Maybe you could explain it to me instead of being an asshole.”
Sieun’s expression twisted into something like disgust.
“It’s not that hard to understand. It's easy.”
Suho gave him an incredulous look.
“You really don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself, huh?” He huffed. “Not everyone’s as smart as you, Yeon Sieun. We can’t all bury ourselves in textbooks all the time.”
Sieun opened his mouth to respond, but one of their other group members spoke first.
“Can you two stop fighting?” one of their group-mates asked. “We only have 15 minutes to finish the first step, and we’ve barely started.”
Sieun and Suho both looked away.
“Okay,” Suho murmured, sitting up straighter.
Sieun didn’t respond. They didn’t look at each other again after that.
He inhaled slowly, feeling unusually on edge.
There were 40 minutes of class before lunch. 40 minutes until Seongje would surely be there waiting for him outside the lecture hall, ready to throw an unwelcome arm around his shoulders and call him “princess” and drag him off to a lunch table he didn’t want to be at.
He wondered if there was a way he could slip out of the room without Seongje seeing him. He doubted it was possible. Seongje would find him one way or another.
Before he knew it, class had ended, and people were gathering their things and pushing in their chairs to leave.
Sieun packed up slowly, thinking hard. He wasn’t hungry, really. He could skip lunch altogether and just let Yeongi and Juntae know they’d eat together tomorrow instead. Maybe hide in the library and study while he waited for his next class to begin. But that plan would be useless if Seongje really was waiting on the other side of the wall.
He sucked in a breath as he slung his bag over his shoulder. He’d figure it out one way or another, maybe.
But before he could get far from where he’d been sitting, there was a loud thud, a yelp, and a chorus of gasps coming from the hallway.
Sieun peeked outside, shocked to find Suho holding Seongje against the wall by his collar.
“Why the hell are you always waiting outside here after class?” Suho demanded, seemingly unaware that a crowd had gathered.
Seongje coughed as the other man’s hand pressed at the base of his neck, limiting his breathing.
“Chill the fuck out,” He hissed. “I was just waiting for my girlfriend.”
Sieun’s stomach dropped, throat tightening. Seongje was talking about him. He knew exactly why Seongje had said that, and he hated it. It made him want to rip his skin off.
He managed to slip out of the room, leaving whatever was going on behind him as he rushed to the nearest restroom.
Sieun regretted the choice immediately when he saw his reflection in the mirror. He’d wanted to get out of the busy hallway, but coming face-to-face with himself was worse than the eyes of strangers.
Things his mom, Seongje, bullies from high school had said invited their way into his head and echoed loudly enough to fill the silence of the bathroom:
Your shoulders are really small.
Your eyelashes are so long.
Your hips are too wide.
You look like a girl.
Where are your muscles?
Are you sure you’re a guy?
You’re ruining yourself.
You’re beautiful as you are.
Such a pretty girl.
Don’t do this, Sieun.
You’re lying to yourself.
Sieun bent over the sink, shaky hands turning the faucet and splashing cold water against his cheeks. He avoided the mirror this time when he straightened back up to get a paper towel.
Something like dread filled his chest and threatened to free itself from his throat. He swallowed, trying to keep it down, gripping the edge of the sink.
You’re lying to yourself.
You’re lying to yourself.
You’re lying to yourself.
You’re–
The bathroom door burst/swung open suddenly, and in barged Ahn Suho, a bruise on his left cheek and a scowl on his lips.
Their eyes met briefly. Sieun’s were glassy with tears. Suho’s were blazing with indignation.
The stillness lasted for 2 seconds before Suho shoved past Sieun, examining his injury in the mirror.
Sieun couldn’t help but take note of Suho’s physique. His arms were muscular, his shoulders broad, his jawline sharp. He was the perfect picture of masculinity. Sieun’s body could not compare.
Suho noticed him staring and narrowed his eyes as he gingerly touched a bloody spot on the corner of his lip.
“Do you have something to say?” He asked flatly, almost bored.
Sieun quickly looked away, tugging at the hem of his sleeve awkwardly.
“Did Seongje do that?” He tried.
Suho nodded once, wiping the blood from his lip.
“You know, I kinda thought you two were dating. You’re always together. But the asshole said he was waiting for his girlfriend, so I guess not.”
Sieun’s stomach twisted in horror. He stared at Suho with wide, terrified eyes.
“Do– does everyone think that?” His voice came out strained.
Suho turned to face him again, confusion evident in his expression.
“Yeah, kind of. Why the hell do you look like that?”
Sieun’s legs wobbled. He gripped the counter harder, trying to stabilize himself before he could fall over like an idiot in front of Suho.
People thought he and Seongje were a couple? They saw Seongje hanging around and harassing Sieun and took it to mean they were dating?
Suho looked uncharacteristically worried now.
“What the fuck? Are you okay?” He asked, stepping closer.
Sieun didn’t answer. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Juntae and Yeongi were probably wondering where he was. He tried to pull out the device, but it slipped from his shaking hands and clattered to the floor by Suho’s feet.
Suho crouched down to grab it, then stood to place it on the counter.
“I take it that means you are definitely not dating him?” He hummed. “He seems obsessed with you, then.”
Sieun almost scoffed.
“No shit,” he grumbled.
Something in Suho’s expression shifted, but he didn’t say anything.
The bathroom door opened, and another student came in, minding his business, before either of them could speak again.
Sieun took the opportunity and his phone, and left.
His friends’ faces lit up when they saw him heading for their table in the cafeteria.
“There you are,” Yeongi announced loudly, standing up from her seat to hug him. “What took you so long? Your class ended 15 minutes ago.”
Sieun just shrugged, resting his head on her shoulder for a moment.
She and Juntae gave him weird looks when he sat down, but he ignored them.
It wasn’t that he thought he couldn’t tell them what was going on– he could.
He’d known Yeongi since meeting her on his first day at the all-girls school his mother had sent him to in middle school. They’d both met Juntae when high school started, and the three of them had been close friends ever since.
They told each other everything. When they were 12, Yeongi told Sieun she liked girls. Sieun had come out to her as trans then. She’d hugged him so hard and said she loved him. He’d smiled for the first time in a long time that day. Juntae had told them both he was gay when they were all 15. They talked about serious stuff all the time.They wouldn’t judge him or refuse to believe him if he told them Keum Seongje had been harassing him and threatening to out him to the entire school.
But he hated the way he knew they would look at him with pity in their eyes every time something was going on with him. Sieun would rather spare himself the humiliation. So he said nothing.
“You’re not getting food?” Juntae asked, taking a sip of his soda.
Sieun shook his head. “I had something earlier,” he lied.
In truth, he was afraid of leaving the table to join the lunch line and finding Seongje looking for him. He felt lucky the table they were at was partially obscured from the cafeteria entrance by a half wall.
Yeongi rolled her eyes, digging into her bowl of bibimbap.
“What was it this time, a protein bar? You should eat real meals, Sieun-ah.”
“I know,” he mumbled, putting his elbow on the table and resting his chin against his palm as he watched his friends eat.
“Oh!” Juntae exclaimed suddenly, looking at his phone with wide eyes. “Hyuntak texted. He’s asking if I’m free to come over tonight and help him study for his chem test later this week.”
Yeongi made a face.
“Is it just me, or does he only ever want you to come over so you can tutor him, Jun?” She observed.
“It’s not like that,” Juntae promised, knowing what she was insinuating. “We’ve hung out at his place and watched movies and stuff before, too.. He’ll ask if I can help him study, but sometimes we end up–” He cut himself off, the tips of his ears reddening. “Never mind…”
“You end up what?” Yeongi asked, eyebrows raised.
“N-not that!” Juntae cried, covering his face with his hands in mortification. “Sometimes we cuddle on his couch. That’s it. It’s just embarrassing to say out loud.”
Yeongi smirked.
“You’re so cute. That’s good to hear. When’s he going to ask you out, then?”
Juntae moved his hands to reveal his eyes, palms still hiding his reddening cheeks.
“I don’t know… I don’t think he likes me that way, Yeongi-yah. But I’m fine just being friends with him.”
Yeongi narrowed her eyes at him.
“Seo Juntae,” she said sharply. “You’re telling me a boy has been asking you to come over and study only to end up cuddling with you on his couch instead, and you think he isn't head over heels in love with you? That’s ridiculous! Sieun, tell him he’s being ridiculous!” Yeongi gestured widely as she spoke, her disbelief evident in her expression and tone of voice.
Sieun stared at the table, thinking. He’d been content with listening quietly for the past few minutes.
“Sounds like he likes you,” he hummed, watching as Juntae flushed again, blinking nervously.
“You guys really think so...?” Juntae asked hesitantly.
Yeongi and Sieun both nodded.
“Well then,” Yeongi said loudly. “If you’ve got a study date tonight, I’ll have to make myself at home in you guys’ dorm. Sieun-ah, we’re having a sleepover!”
Sieun groaned, not at her proposition, but because he’d just remembered he had plans already.
“I can’t,” he grumbled, slumping in his seat. “Mom wants to meet me at some fancy steak place for dinner tonight.”
Yeongi scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Seriously? How come she gets to randomly decide she cares about you again every 3 months?”
Sieun nodded, closing his eyes briefly.
For the most part, he didn’t see his mom a lot. She was usually busy with her teaching job. She only pretended to care about him. She only called to check in with him when his grades weren’t where she wanted them to be, asking him if it was because he was getting distracted, if she needed to request a dorm to have to himself so he could focus better.
When he got sick, she didn’t ask how he was feeling. She would blame him and tell him it was his fault because he was so frail and weak, and that even after being on testosterone for almost a year now, his body would never be stronger. She would tell him to study even if he was battling the flu.
Every time he would mess up, win her disapproval, get a fraction of a percentage lower than what she wanted from him on a test, or miss one question on an exam, she would threaten to take the money from his account. She knew Sieun didn’t have a job. She knew he was dependent on her financially. She knew he needed her money to pay for his HRT, especially.
So when she’d suggested that Sieun meet her for dinner once every few months, he couldn’t say no. Every time he dared to go against her, even with the smallest expression of defiance, she would make that same threat.
All Yeongi and Juntae knew was that their relationship wasn’t the best. They didn’t know how bad it got. Sieun didn’t plan on ever telling them.
Hours later, Sieun stood stiffly in front of the bathroom mirror, fingers fumbling with his tie. He tried not to pick apart his appearance, but he couldn’t help finding everything wrong with his reflection as it stared back at him.
The longer he stared, the more he wanted to rip everything off and lock himself in his room and hide in the dark under the covers until he died so he’d never have to see his body ever again.
Sieun bit hard on the inside of his cheek, dropping the tie and tearing his fingers through his hair instead, trying to make it look at least somewhat presentable. His usual unstyled hair wasn’t going to cut it. He knew from experience that his mother found it lazy and a “poor reflection on his character.”
He only got more and more frustrated with himself the more he gripped the strands, seconds from genuinely ripping his hair out before there was a knock on the bathroom door.
“Sieun-ah?” Juntae asked. “Hyuntak’s almost here to pick me up, but you’ve been in there for a while. You okay?”
Sieun swallowed, throat feeling like he’d just eaten sand.
“ ‘M fine,” he croaked. He was not. Juntae knew. The door was open in an instant.
Sieun’s eyes were rimmed with red by now, tears threatening to spill over. He averted his gaze when his friend stepped inside, pretending to find the perfectly uncreased leather of the dress shoes he’d been instructed to wear absolutely fascinating.
“What’s wrong?” Juntae asked gently, reaching for Sieun’s hand.
Sieun shook his head but spoke anyway.
“I’m…” He shook his head again as if to tell himself he’d been about to ask a stupid question. “I look like a guy, right?” he tried, voice faltering. He hated how high-pitched it sounded in that moment. He wanted to claw at his throat and tear out his vocal cords.
Juntae’s eyes narrowed. “You are a guy,” he said simply, like that solved everything. Sieun stared helplessly at his feet.
“You know what I mean, Juntae,” he said without looking up. It came out colder than he’d meant it, but Juntae didn’t flinch.
“You pass well, Sieun. I promise. You might need some help with that tie, though,” Juntae mused, eyeing the crumpled mess around Sieun’s neck.
Sieun huffed, his frown lifting a little despite himself, but the efforts at lightheartedness couldn’t fully ease the discomfort that had settled under his skin.
Juntae stepped closer, fixing Sieun’s tie with quick hands, and Sieun noticed that his lips looked pinker and glossier than usual.
“Jun,” he said, watching as Juntae paused to look up at him. “...Is that lip gloss?”
Juntae’s cheeks flushed in an instant. His hands shook a little as he finished with Sieun’s tie, fingertips now grazing the edge of his lip.
“You know,” He mumbled, embarrassed. “Just in case.”
Sieun hummed absent-mindedly.
It was a little weird seeing Juntae so in love like this. In their many years of being friends, Juntae hadn’t gotten many crushes that he was super serious about. But Go Hyuntak was different.
And Hyuntak was now also at their door, the ring of the doorbell told them. Juntae jumped at the sound, eyes widening.
“Oh my god,” was all he said before he rushed out to get the door.
Sieun made sure his hair looked decent enough before he headed out, too, shoving down the unwelcome dysphoria that was still trying to claw its way into his thoughts.
Hyuntak and Juntae stood chatting by the doorway. Juntae looked like he was about to explode, likely from a combination of nervousness and excitement, contrasting with the relaxed posture of the other guy.
Hyuntak looked up when Sieun came into view, lifting his hand in a casual greeting.
“Date night?” He asked at Sieun’s outfit, voice light with teasing.
Sieun rolled his eyes.
“I could ask you the same thing,” He said plainly, earning a chuckle from Hyuntak and pure mortification from Juntae.
“Well played,” Hyuntak conceded, flashing a grin.
Juntae ignored them both, heading over to Sieun to give him a quick hug.
“I’ll be back sometime tonight, okay?” He promised, voice low. “Good luck with dinner. It’s going to be fine, Sieun-ah.”
His hands rubbed soothingly on Sieun’s back as he spoke.
Sieun nodded, sinking into the embrace. He hoped it would be fine. Knowing his mother, it wouldn’t, but he held onto Juntae and his words anyway.
Juntae met his eyes for a bit when he pulled away.
“Call me if you need anything, okay? Anything.”
Sieun nodded, watching the worried crease in Juntae’s brow soften with his answer.
“I’ll call.”
He didn’t.
Sieun arrived at the restaurant at 7:30 P.M. on the dot, right when his mother had told him to be there.
More accurately, he’d arrived at 7:17 and decided to spend the extra 13 minutes pacing back and forth outside, trying to calm himself down and get his anxious energy out before he had to sit perfectly still for several hours at dinner.
His grades were good. He’d been focused on his schoolwork. She couldn’t be mad about that. It was going to be fine. She would tell him to keep studying and not let his focus slip, and that would be it. She would make excruciating small talk for the next 2 hours after that, but it would be fine. That would be it. It would be fine. It was going to be fine.
He silently followed the waitress inside to the seating area as she led him to his mother’s table, shoulders back, head up, posture rigid. He knew his mother would be watching from wherever she was sitting.
But what Sieun hadn’t been expecting was to find two pairs of eyes watching from that table.
His mother sat in an elegant tweed blazer, her hair pulled back tight and hands in her lap.
But beside her–
Beside her–
Keum Seongje was seated in the chair beside her, hair parted neatly, wearing a crisp black button-down shirt and an unnerving glint in his eyes.
It took everything Sieun had not to turn around and run right out of the restaurant right then and there. Dread pooled in his stomach as the waitress pulled out a chair for him right across from his mother.
He sat down stiffly, avoiding Seongje’s waiting gaze.
“Sieun,” his mother said, voice devoid of any emotion. “I want you to meet someone.”
No “hello” or “how are you” or “good to see you.” She didn’t care about him enough for that.
She gestured to the man on her left.
“This is Keum Seongje. His mother is one of my colleagues. I thought I should introduce you two since you haven’t dated yet and Seongje’s mother wants him to get married soon.”
Sieun could hardly hear her over the pounding of his heart in his chest.
“Seongje, this is Sieun.”
Sieun couldn’t look at him. This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t.
“Sieun, you’re 20 years old. Where are your manners?” His mother asked coldly when he said nothing.
Sieun felt his head turn. His eyes saw Seongje. His mouth opened and spoke. The words “It’s nice to meet you” were spoken.
Seongje smiled at him. Sieun wanted to die.
“Mrs. Yeon,” Seongje said cheerfully, “Sieun-ah and I have actually met before. We go to the same university. Sieun does really well in school; I take it that means he got his intelligence from you, hm?”
His mother beamed. “That’s wonderful to hear.” Sieun knew she wasn’t smiling because she was proud of him.
He squeezed his hands tightly together under the table where no one could see, trying to channel all of his anxious energy into the action instead of bouncing his knee or fidgeting with the buttons of his suit jacket. His mom got angry with him every time she caught him doing anything but sitting perfectly still. He wasn’t going to risk that happening in front of Seongje. His fingers started to ache after even just a few seconds, but Sieun didn’t loosen his grip. The pain helped distract from his racing thoughts a bit.
Seongje and his mother went on chatting lightheartedly as Sieun sat there suffocating.
He forced himself to breathe slowly and evenly, but his efforts couldn’t stop the panic that had been slowly creeping in since he’d gotten to the restaurant. He doesn’t remember what he’d ordered to eat. He doesn’t remember what it tasted like. His mouth moved like it was supposed to. His face contorted into a smile when it was expected of him. His ears heard the subtle invalidating compliments Seongje gave him like he always did.
But Sieun was not in the room.
Why was this happening? Hadn’t he suffered enough? Wasn’t being trans already sufficient punishment for whatever sins he’d committed in his past life?
Halfway through dinner, his mother got up and left, explaining that she had somewhere to be, but that he and Seongje should finish their meal together and get to know each other better.
And then Sieun was alone with him.
Seongje moved to where Sieun’s mother had been sitting directly across, to Sieun’s horror. There was nowhere else to look.
“Good to see you, princess,” he said, smiling, eyes shining with a look that Sieun hated with his entire being. It made his skin crawl, the way the other man’s voice was laced with artificial sweetness. “You look so pretty. Almost like a doll, with those eyes,” Seongje continued, holding Sieun’s gaze.
Sieun’s voice came out sharply.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded. “What do you want?”
Seongje’s smile didn’t falter as he leaned closer.
“I saw an opportunity, and I took it. I see something in you that you’re hiding about yourself, and I want you to know that you don’t have to hide it from me.”
Sieun couldn’t suppress the disgusted scoff that left his mouth.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he spat, his careful composure abandoned now that his mom wasn’t watching his every move. He shook his head, shaking with an exhausting combination of fear and anger now. His fingers throbbed painfully from where he wrung them in his lap, but he ignored it.
“Go out with me, Sieun,” Seongje said. “Your mother said it earlier. I’d be a good influence on you.”
Sieun felt like he was going to be sick. He shook his head almost violently, dizziness and nausea flooding his senses.
“Don’t tell me you’re already interested in someone,” Seongje said calmly, like Sieun wasn’t absolutely losing his mind 2 feet in front of him. “You only talk to Yeongi and Juntae, and those two are both off the table for obvious reasons…”
Sieun shook his head again, trying desperately to keep his breathing even. He pushed back from the table, legs shaking as he tried to stand.
“Th-this isn’t– happening,” he choked out.
A shaky inhale tore through him as the panic finally started to take over.
He had to get out.
He couldn’t do this.
He couldn’t.
He was going to die.