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It was a lovely, sunny afternoon in the English countryside. Birds flitted from tree to tree, and butterflies floated among the flowers. None of this, however, could be seen from Jonathan’s study, where the curtains were tightly drawn. Like every time Speedwagon came to visit, he’d instructed his servants not to disturb him and his friend. And, just like every other time, what started out with friendly chat by the fire quickly led to sweet kisses and caresses. The truth was they’d moved beyond being friends some time ago.
And for the past few days, Jojo had been trying to hint that he was ready to move beyond just kissing, too. He hadn’t been having much success, though.
In part it was his fault. He couldn’t bring himself to ask for it outright—talking about such things openly just wasn’t polite! But Speedwagon couldn’t really be blamed for not understanding his hints either. He would hardly expect a gentleman to be making advances like this. He was probably interpreting Jonathan’s actions as unintentional, and not moving further out of respect for his imagined sensibilities. So Jonathan hoped today he could make his wishes clear without having to say anything too vulgar.
Jonathan pulled back from their affections for a moment, propping himself up with his arms. Speedwagon looked transcendent beneath him, laid back on the couch with his blonde hair spread around him like a halo and a dreamy smile on his face. But he couldn’t stare for too long, as Speedwagon reached up and pulled Jojo into another passionate kiss, his fingers brushing through the hair that curled at the base of Jojo’s neck.
Jojo indulged in his lips for a moment before moving his kisses down across the edge of his jaw, and soon he was tugging loose Speedwagon’s tie so he could lay some along the column of his throat toward his collarbone. Speedwagon let out a quiet gasp of breath which stirred something within him, and Jojo worried he may not be able to hold back any longer. He had to say it.
“Robert,” he said, his own breathing in disarray, “Be with me.”
Speedwagon let out an awkward little laugh. “I’m ‘with you’ right now...”
“No,” Jojo said, looking him right in the eye. Hoping he’d pick up on the meaning of his words, Jonathan settled his hands onto Speedwagon’s waist. “Be with me.”
Speedwagon bit his lip and shuffled up onto his elbows. “Jojo, we should talk.”
As much as he wasn’t in the mood to stop what they’d been doing, the troubled look that had come over Speedwagon’s face told him that this was something serious. Despite his reluctance, Jonathan sat back, trying to shift his mind back to thoughts of conversation rather than action.
After some awkward shuffling, Speedwagon was sitting up next to him, staring down at his folded hands. “Look, I know you’ve hintin’ for a while... I really shoulda said somethin’ earlier, but...” He fidgeted. “I dunno if I’m up for takin’ things any further.”
“Oh!” Jojo exclaimed, reacting before he could think better of it. Speedwagon was more worldly than him in every other way, and he’d kissed Jojo first, so he never would have taken Speedwagon for a virgin, if that’s what this was about. He’d been moving shamefully fast, assuming Speedwagon would naturally be on the same page as him. “Forgive my forwardness. If you’re not ready, we can slow down,” Jojo reassured.
“That’s not...” Speedwagon gave a large sigh. “Jojo, you know I love you with all my heart, yeah?”
“Of course,” Jojo said, laying a hand on top of Speedwagon’s—they were shaking from how hard he was clenching them. Jonathan doubted Speedwagon could hide how he felt, even if he tried. “I love you too.”
“I’m sure this ain’t what you’d expect from a slum-rat like me, but I’ve never wanted to be with someone like that, and I don’t think I ever will.” He let the words out all in a rush, then seemed to brace himself once he’d finished. To Jonathan’s answering silence, he said, “...Are ya disappointed?”
“I wish you wouldn’t call yourself that...” Jonathan murmured. “You could never disappoint me, Robert. I just need a moment to process this. It’s my own fault if I had any preconceptions based on rumour and stereotype.” Internally, he was kicking himself for having had exactly that.
“I’ve liked all that we’ve done until now,” Speedwagon said hastily. “We don’t gotta stop. But I’m sure it must be... frustratin’, for you. It probably ain’t right of me not to deliver...”
“A gentleman would never force his lover into anything,” Jojo said resolutely, the words flowing out of him like a practised recitation. But then he furrowed his brow, his expression becoming more thoughtful. Of course his goal of being a gentleman was important to him, but it wasn’t like this was just an act. He couldn’t let it sound like he was only answering this way out of a sense of gentlemanly obligation. “No, it’s more than that.” With some effort, he managed to take one of Speedwagon’s hands. Finally, the man looked up to meet his eye.
“If I may speak frankly, I would be happy to make love with you if that’s what you want. I love you, but it wouldn’t satisfy me if your heart’s not in it the way mine is. It wouldn’t feel right. And you’ve no need to worry about my physical frustration. I’ve done quite well taking care of that on my own so far. Uh, I-I mean...” He gave an awkward chuckle. Good god, all the hand-wringing he’d done earlier about how to say what he wanted without actually saying it, and he’d just gone and admitted to something far more embarrassing. He could feel his face turning red.
But Speedwagon laughed too, so he felt like maybe it was worth it.
“I’m sorry about all this,” Speedwagon said.
“You’ve nothing to be sorry for,” Jojo said, squeezing Speedwagon’s hand. “If you can’t, or don’t want to have, er... relations with anyone, then I can no more expect it from you than I can expect a horse to fly.”
“I would’ve brought it up earlier, I just... I love you so much, Jojo. I was afraid you’d think differently of me, that you... wouldn’t wanna do this anymore.”
“I’ll need to adjust,” Jojo admitted, “But it doesn’t make me love you any less. Of course not!” He felt the tension leave from Speedwagon’s body and realized just how worried the man must have been. “I should have talked about it too, rather than making assumptions or trying to hint at it. I was just nervous; this isn’t the sort of thing I know how to discuss. I’m just glad you told me before I made a fool of myself.”
“Should’ve done more talkin’ and less kissin’, maybe.” Speedwagon laughed. “But on that note... what happens to us now? Will this be too much?”
Jonathan had been giving it earnest thought this whole time. Of course this hadn’t been the direction he’d expected things to take, but he thought that in the end the two of them still wanted similar things. They both loved each other, and they’d both enjoyed their relations so far. As much as he wanted Speedwagon carnally, it’s not like he didn’t want him any other way. Why would this be a reason to end a good thing?
“I want us to be as we were,” Jonathan decided. “I don’t want to stop doing this if you don’t, though more talking certainly wouldn’t hurt. And depending, erm, how excited I get, I just might need to take breaks to calm down.” There he was, blushing fiercely again. He supposed he should be grateful they wouldn’t have to talk about the topic in such detail, if it wasn’t something they were going to do.
Speedwagon raised Jojo’s hand to his lips, kissing him gently on the knuckles. As easy as that, his self-consciousness melted away. “Then let me ask you this, Jojo...” Speedwagon said. “Be with me?”
Jojo tugged him in close, wrapping him tightly in his arms. “I’m with you,” he replied.