Work Text:
1.
Erling thinks that if he trades his "funny, chronically online" brand for a "curated, moody academic" aesthetic, he might finally get Jude Bellingham's undivided attention.
[INSTAGRAM POST] @Erling: [Erling is in a dimly lit library. He's wearing a heavy charcoal overcoat and wire-rim glasses. He's looking at a vintage camera, the light catching the sharp line of his jaw.] Caption: capturing the moment. 📽
Jude is sitting in his living room, dissecting the photo like it's match footage.
"Look at the composition," Jude mutters, zooming in until the screen is just Erling's lips. "The rule of thirds. The color grading. He's clearly hired a professional creative director. He's trying to pivot into high-fashion modeling because he knows his finishing's been mid lately. It's a strategic career move. Very clever, Haaland. You're not fooling me."
His heart, meanwhile, is doing a drum solo against his ribs. He saves the photo to a folder named "competitor research."
2.
Erling decides to play a game of chicken with Jude's sanity.
[INSTAGRAM STORY] (A mirror selfie. Erling is in his gym gear, his shirt pulled up to wipe sweat off his face, revealing a torso that looks like it was chiseled out of marble.)
Poll overlay: who wants me?
[ Me ]
[ Nobody ]
Jude stares at the poll. He's a man of logic. "This is a social experiment," Jude concludes. "He's testing engagement metrics. If I click 'me,' I'm just another statistic in his ego-trip. But if I click 'nobody,' it's a sophisticated subversion of his expectations! It's a prank!"
He clicks nobody, feeling very smug about his "intellectual" choice.
[INSTAGRAM STORY] @Erling: to the 1% who voted "nobody"... your psychological projection is fascinating. i know exactly who you are and i know you're currently vibrating with desire. seek help. (or seek me please).
Jude nearly drops his phone. "Vibrating with desire? I'm vibrating with indignation! He's so arrogant he thinks a 'no' is a 'yes.' His ego has reached a level of gravity that is pulling in its own light. I need to tweet something to show him I'm unaffected."
He spends forty minutes trying to think of a cool tweet and ends up just posting a picture of his breakfast.
3.
Erling decides to show Jude exactly what the competition looks like.
[INSTAGRAM STORY] (A screen recording of Erling's notifications. It is a literal tidal wave of blue checkmarks.)
@Zayn: Yo, that library shoot was fire.
@LewisHamilton: 🐐🙌
@MariahCarey: 🦋🦋
Erling's Caption: all this noise and the only person i want to talk to is silent. sigh. 😔
Jude is having a logical breakdown.
"Zayn Malik? He thinks Erling's feed is fire? This is a geopolitical crisis," Jude says, pacing his kitchen. "And Erling says the person he wants to talk to is silent. That's so sad. He's clearly in love with some mysterious, high-society European woman who doesn't have social media. I actually feel bad for him. I should be a better friend."
He opens his DMs to offer "support" and then remembers he's "nobody" and closes the app.
4.
Erling is now being so specific it's practically a background check.
[TWITTER]
Erling Haaland @Erling . 10m
i really wish i could get a gorgeous, english, omega-like footballer who plays for Real Madrid as a bfffffff. sigh.
Jude reads the tweet. He stops. He reads it again.
"Wait," Jude says, his brain whirring. "English. Real Madrid." He looks in the mirror. He looks back at the phone. “And what the fuck does he mean by omega-like?”, Jude then gasps "Oh my god, He's... he's trying to find a replacement for me. He wants someone who’s exactly like me but probably doesn't vote 'nobody' on his polls. This is the most elaborate 'I'm over you' post in history. He's literally crowdsourcing a new Jude. This is psychological warfare."
And then poor Jude starts crashing out, throwing his pillows across the room because Erling is trying to "out-source" him.
+1
Erling needs this entire thing wrapped by tonight, so he goes for the jugular.
[INSTAGRAM STORY] (A shirtless mirror pic. Erling is in low-slung grey sweatpants, hair messy, looking absolutely wrecked and beautiful. The "v-line" is doing heavy lifting.) Caption: since "nobody" wants me... i guess i'll just go to bed alone.
The word "nobody" triggers something in Jude's brain. The poll. The tweet. The "silent" person. The "new Jude." It all clicks.
"Oh," Jude whispers, his face turning bright red. "I'm such an idiot."
[DMs: Erling & Jude]
Jude: i saw it Haaland you can delete it
Jude: delete it now
Jude: im tweaking delt
Jude: i cnt brsth
Jude: DELETE THE PIC BEFORE ZAYN SEES IT
Erling: say please.
Jude: (Voice Message - 0:02).
Erling: took you long enough, Bellingham. i was about to start tagging your home address in the captions just to see if that would work. now open the door.