Chapter Text
It was a bad day. But even a worse day for est supha sangaworawong. It was raining heavily. An 18 year old est supha clad in his school uniform still, had run all the way to the clinic where his parents were awaiting his presence.
The world est lived in was a strange one. The world was divided into three parts. Alphas, the dominant ones. The leaders. Then came betas, the most humane. And at the bottom of the ranks were the omegas. The weakest, the ones overlooked. And est, he knew the pain an omega had to go through.
Their heats were worse than an alphas. Their bodies were weaker. Submissive by nature, they were ruled over. But est saw them as beautiful. Brave despite overlooked. Strong despite being known as soft and weak. His kind mother was also an omega. She was soft, beautiful, kind. Everything that he loved.
The first thought started with his mother’s softness which despite the world’s harsh cruelty, never hardened. Then the soft nests his mother made whenever they were idling around. Then came the late nights hidden in his room, when he would build a best for himself. He knew he hadn’t presented but he always felt like an omega. Beautiful and soft.
Est had presented late. Normally kids would know what they would present as by they were 14. A little later maybe 16. But est was 18 and his presentation was still unconfirmed. There was a doubt in his heart that maybe he was broken but he never let it override the hope blooming in his heart to be an omega.
That is why when the doctor told him,”Est you’re a beta.” Est felt like his whole life came crashing down. He felt like a bucket of cold water was flipped on his head. His body froze.
He became something he never wished to be. He became normal. Too plain. Too calm. Too hard. Tears leaked his eyes, wetting his face. His body was shivering. He cowered forward, folding himself in half. As if the very existence of him was jarring.
“It’s okay est.” his mother soothed him, her omega pheromones calming his senses. But the mere thought of never being able to bring such comfort to someone filled est’s body with envy. His blood was filled with fire. He wanted the earth to open and swallow him whole. Because for the last 18 years he lived a life that never belonged to him.
——
8 years later.
Est had learned to live his life. Normal and bland. His days are always the same. Start the day by dragging himself out of the bed. Coffee, heading to his studio. Back to home. And around too many showers in a day. But the nightmares never left. They stay and keep torturing him day and night. The young naive est who was too desperate for his wishes had made choices which were jarring.
It was after two whole weeks that est had stepped outside. Being a potter gave you enough rights to just stay locked up in your studio.
Est had stopped stepping outside. Especially after that night. He would use any excuse to get out of a meet-up. But today he couldn’t. His best friend of ten years, happened to be engaged to an alpha. And he was throwing a party.
“You have to come est. my best man needs to be there.” Hong had pleaded with his best puppy eyes and est could not refuse. Hong was everything he wanted to be. An omega, beautiful, soft, brave. And he was just est. but est couldn’t envy him. He did maybe, at nights when things got heavy and the room felt too sterile.
Est felt envy whenever he looked at his extremely expensive perfume he bought just to make himself a little less bland. But the envy was never big enough that it stopped him from celebrating his friend. His envy never grew more important than the only person who stayed.
“Okay I’ll come.” Est had promised hong. But now standing here in front a cozy, old bar, hidden behind one of the tall buildings in the city, est felt uneasiness spread through his body. His body felt sticky. A never ending stickiness that always stayed behind. Never left his body. No matter how many times est took a shower, it would never leave.
‘𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘵.’ A voice rang in est’s head. Not now, est mumbled. The voice never left, it just toned down sometimes. Mostly only when est was sitting in front of his wheel. When he was pottering.
‘𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴.’
No no, i do. Est mumbled. But even he knew he was lying to himself. He didn’t deserve happiness, a thing est came to believe over the course of his life. He wanted to take a shower. The stickiness just kept on increasing. It was on his fingers, the way you feel when you eat a chocolate. Then it spread to his arms and then legs. His body felt stuck. This sticky feeling dragging him down and down. ‘No est you already took a shower twice today.’ Est thought. Scolding himself.
His hands shook where they were holding the knob of the door. His body was shivering at the weight of his own voices.
“Are you going to stand there forever?” A voice came from behind. A deep but boyish voice. Est’s head snapped towards the sound. An alpha. Est couldn’t smell the scent but there were a few give aways to someone’s secondary gender. And this one was definitely alpha.
The man in front of him looked young. Younger than est. he was handsome. Strikingly handsome. His jaw was sharp, his cheekbones high, his lips were thick. And except for that his nose was small and adorable. It almost made est giggle.
“Oh yes I’ll go in.” Est said in a Panic, as he pulled the door, but the door didn’t open. He kept on pulling the door, not being able to look away from the stranger. “I’m sorry it’s just…not opening.” Est laughed nervously as he tried pulling the door again.
The main in front of him huffed out a laugh. Shaking his head, he closed the distance, wrapping his hand around est’s over the knob and pushed the door towards the bar. So the door did work. Est blushed red because of embarrassment. It’s like the alpha in front of him could tell that est was embarrassed, so he didn’t say anything and simply went inside, leaving est there to compose himself. At least he didn’t close the door behind him, what a gentleman.
In moments like these, when he met such a handsome alpha, did est wish that he could get a whiff of their scent. That he could also smell like them. But all he got was that same bland smell that never caught anything.
———
Est shook himself once, focusing on the matter at hand. He went inside, closing the door behind him. As soon as he was inside, he looked around a bit to find hong, perched on a table waving his hand towards him.
“Estie come here. My love.” Hong screamed, while laughing. Est shook his head, a smile on his face because of his friend’s antics and went closer. Hong bent down to hug est once, patting him on the back. “I’m glad you came.” Hong pulled back once and whispered in the space between them. Hong may have been joking earlier but this admission was true and honest. Est pulled him into another hug at that.
Hong pulled him into sitting beside him. His chair was at the end of the table, making sure that it was away from everyone, as est liked. Est tried looking around, looking for the guy he had met earlier but he couldn’t find him. Maybe he’s at the back, est thought.
“Where’s nut?” Est asked, once they were seated and est had a drink in his hand. Hong looked at him with an annoyed expression.
“He’s with his pack alpha. His best friend.” Hong rolled his eyes.
“Why, is the pack alpha not good?” Est asked, a nervous lilt in his voice.
Hong noticed, his put his beer bottle down, now completely turned towards est. “oh no he’s kind. Just that nut and i had an argument earlier today. And I’m sure he’s telling his pack alpha about that.” Hong finished with another eye roll. His hands landed on est’s shoulders, squeezing once. “So what I’m saying is, don’t worry estie, you’re completely safe.” Hong assured and est gave him a smile.
“So what was the argument about?” Est asked, a cheeky smile on his face.
“Ugh don’t even ask about it. He wanted to add protein in my pancakes.” Hong said it like it was the biggest crime in the world and est broke out laughing. His shoulders shook as he laughed.
‘𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩’ a voice came again. And slowly the laugh left est’s body, and all there was left was a smile that never reached his eyes.
“Don’t laugh est. you don’t know once the protein powder is added, it tastes weird. You know I don’t play about my pancake.” Hong said, a pout on his lips.
“Sure sure.” Est said, shaking his head.
“Oh est, you showed up?” A voice came from behind and he froze. His blood felt like it had gone cold. He turned around to meet the one who had said the words.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Hong beside him asked. “You said you weren’t coming.” Hong’s voice felt like he was on the verge of lashing out.
“Woah chill. We finally got out.” Karan said, his hands up in the air in mock surrender. He slid into the booth in front of est’s with his another friend, jay.
“Hi yeah it’s been long.” Est said, though his voice was shaky. The sticky feeling returned. Est needed to take a shower.
“It has been.” Jay said this time. “Especially after everything you did.” Jay looked up at est with a sly smile. Like he meant for it to jab.
Est’s hand tightened on his lap. His fingers dug into his palms, drawing out blood.
“Jay don’t you dare.” Hong said, his voice clipped. “Why are you here?”
“Nut called us. He didn’t tell you?” Karan said. A smirk playing on his face.
“He did. But he also said you weren’t coming you scum.” Hong hissed. His inner omega ready to lash out. Est’s hand found Hong’s thigh underneath the table, squeezing his leg once. When hong looked over est’s eyes told him the best he could. ‘Don’t fight for my sake.’
Hong slumped back on his chair with a heavy sigh. He shook his head once.
‘𝘓𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱𝘴𝘦𝘵.’ The voice said again. And these were the times when est was happy that he didn’t have a scent so nobody could tell how bitter he always felt. His heart slumped to his stomach. He made even hong upset. The only one by his side. He made him worry. And est felt like burying his face into cold water and stop breathing. He wanted to make those marks on his wrist. If the blood seeped out, if he felt enough pain then he would’ve repented.
His throat felt heavy, as he spoke. “I should leave.” Est said, as he got up.
“No est wa…”
“Yeah leave again. That’s all you know how to do.” Jay laughed.
“You fucker keep your mouth shut.” Hong shouted at Jay, his eyes glaring at both of them. Just then nut came from behind the shed, with a man behind him. Ah the alpha from before. Est nodded towards nut before he started leaving again, when hong stopped him with a hand around his wrist.
“No est babe wait. They’re leaving.” Hong said.
“I don’t think it’s a good ide…”
“What is happening here?” Nut asked, the alpha note seeping into his voice. Hong’s eyes snapped towards nut.
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me they were coming?” Hong asked, his voice clipped. Est didn’t like how things were going. It was all his fault, again.
‘𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘳𝘶𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴.’ The voice said. And the stickiness increased. He felt dirty. This wasn’t just the stickiness left after a chocolate. It felt like someone had poured a whole tub of honey on him. But the honey was black. So black that est could see his bland self in it.
“Yeah because they just texted an hour ago.” Nut said.
“Then you should’ve told me. Fuck off nut.” Hong cursed. “You two get the fuck out of here.” Hong hissed at the two guys.
“Woah we’re nuts friends. We have the right to be here.” Karan said.
“And nut is my mate. And I’m telling you to get out.” Hong hissed back.
“Hong why are you snapping at them?” Nut asked. Ah he didn’t know how fucked est was.
“Shut up nut. Just tell your friends to leave.” Hong snapped at nut.
“What the fuck is even happening here?”
“Hong let it be. It’s okay.” He tried making truce but it’s like his head was floating. Like he was underwater, he felt like he was choking.
I feel dirty.
I need a shower.
I need to leave.
I ruin everything.
It’s all my fault.
𝘐𝘵’𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘧 𝘪 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥.
Tears threatened to spill. His hands shook where hong was still holding him.
“Hong.” A voice rang in the midst of the chaos. A voice, laced with alpha notes in it. Meant to calm and control. “Your friend needs help. Focus on him.” Est looked up. His eyes met with the alpha from before. Nut’s pack alpha. His voice was calming. Est despite being a beta could feel the calm and care in them. His breathing calmed a little.
“Oh right. Est are you okay?” Hong asked as he turned back towards est. his hands landing on est’s shoulders, pulling him close.
“Need…need a shower.” Est stuttered.
“Sure. We’ll go back yeah?” Hong said as he led est out of the small bar.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Est cried the whole time in the car, hiding his face in Hong’s shoulder. Hong shushed him telling him it wasn’t his fault. But est couldn’t help but believe it was.
If only I didn’t go today.
If only I wasn’t so messed up.
I ruined Hong’s night.
Why am i like this?
———
As soon as they were back in est’s condo, est ran towards the bathroom. Taking off his clothes on his way. Once he was in the bathroom, he turned the water to the hottest it could get. The burn on his skin felt releasing. He scrubbed his body, once twice, thrice till his skin turned red and burned with sensitivity.
He cried in the shower, apologies leaving his mouth. Hong sat outside. Est knew he did. He always sat outside. And some days est felt bitter that hong stayed. Some days he hoped that hong would leave just like everyone else did.
Once est was done with cleaning his body, to the point the sticky feeling went away, he came out, wearing the softest of clothes that made him feel more omega.
He used the soft towels which he used only when things got really tough and he needed to feel like an omega. The softest shorts that he owned, he would wear right after the shower, so that the softness stayed. He put on oils on his body to give himself the illusion of being an omega.
He came out to hong who was fluffing his nest on the bed. He had started nesting again in his third year of college, when he had for the first time told hong about his wants. About his wish to be an omega. And hong ever the kind had taught him how to build a nest.
“Thought I would rearrange it a bit.” Hong said with a smile on his face. “Wanna come to your nest?” Hong asked. And est broke. Tears fell one after another. He was so lucky to have hong and he ruined his night. Guilt overtook his heart. The same voice chanting in mind that he doesn’t deserve happiness.
He was correct. Est didn’t deserve the softness because of the sins he carried deep within himself.
The whole world expected him to be bland. To be a beta. The most human. But est didn’t want to do anything more than to nest. Be soft. Being able to be soft and taken care of. And hong always made him feel like an omega. The soft clothes he gifted him. The nesting supplies he gave him. Hong was always there.
“Awww come here. Don’t cry. Let’s nest est.” hong said as he opened his arms for est. once est came closer hong hugged him and helped him up on the nest.
“I’m sorry i ruined your night.” Est said, hicupping.
“Hey hey none of that. I have plenty of those nights.” Hong scolded est. sometimes est wondered how was hong so patient with him. “And plus it was the fault of those bastards. And I’m not letting nut go either.” Hong said and est snorted. “Ah there he is.” Hong exclaimed like he just won a prize because he made est smile.
“Thank you.” Est mumbled once hong and est were tucked into the nest, safe and soft.
“No worries est. just go to sleep.” Hong tapped est’s back in soft motions. Est’s eyes threatened to close, already clumped with sleep.
“Hey, who was that alpha?” Est asked, his voice a little slurred.
“Who? William?” Hong asked, letting out a chuckle. “He’s nut’s pack alpha.” Hong said.
“I see.” Est said.
“Why? You found him handsome?” Hong asked, his voice taking a teasing lilt.
“He was handsome but it’s just he helped me today. That’s why.” Est said.
“I see. I see.” Hong shook his head, like he knew something that est didn’t. Est didn’t have the energy to dig. Before falling asleep est felt like he was forgetting something. Something important. ‘Ah i forgot to cut myself. I’ll definitely do it twice tomorrow.”
He thought before, He gave in to sleep.
———
‘No no please. It hurts no….’ Est woke up with a jolt. The bed beside him was empty. Hong had already risen and left. There was a note on the table that hong always left behind.
Est somehow dragged himself out of the bed. His work can’t wait. He looked back at his nest once. Tears prickled in his eyes, because he knows that Hong’s scent must’ve been left behind. A sweet vanilla scent as nut described it but est’s would’ve been gone now. He couldn’t smell anything. A jarring reminder of who he was.
A jarring reminder of what he forgot to do. He forgot to punish himself. Punishments weren’t there to hurt. But they were there to set a rule. It was to learn. That’s what he used to say. Est didn’t want to think about him, but his days always started with his thoughts. With his nightmares.
The sticky feeling returned. It was so black and disgusting. Est’s body was sweating all over the place. He had sweated through his soft shorts and T-shirt that he was wearing. He felt like crying. The daily reminder of who he wasn’t doubled with the memories of the man he wished to forget, always left him troubled.
Est ran to bathroom. The same routine followed. He rinsed, scrubbed his body, once, twice, thrice. Till the point his skin turned sensitive and red. The pain felt like relief.
But it wasn’t enough. Not enough to lighten the weight. Not enough to deafen the voices. He picked up the blade he always hid behind his shampoo bottles. Hiding it from hong. He took it out and positioned it right across one of the old wounds which were now swollen and already turning white. He made a slash across the old wound. Red blood seeped down his hands, to his thighs. Then another slash, because he forgot to do one last night. Est sat there, as blood swept through the floor. Red filled the shower, as it disappeared down the drain.
Est felt the relief he had been looking for. If hong ever knew about this he would be angry About the cuts, he would scold est. he wouldn’t want hong to get sad. He already made a lot of them mad.
His soft mother, his father, his sister, hong, him. He hurt everyone. He hurt himself too. But only he deserved it. Only he deserved it, is what he used to say.
———
Est made his way towards the kitchen, picking up the note on the way. Hong had cooked for him. Pancakes, classic.
Est thought that he was such a child. He couldn’t even make a proper breakfast for himself. He always had to rely on others. He was supposed to be the most human. The most capable. And he failed even at that. He fucked everything up. He can’t even eat properly without crying halfway through. Such a baby, his brain scolded.
Est sat down on the table, to at least pretend and eat the food that hong worked so hard making. But no matter how much est tried, the food just won’t go down. His hunger was getting worse and worse. His body had already lost over 10 kgs. Est felt like crying, again.
Est gave up on breakfast. He promised that he’ll eat something during lunch. But that was a promise he made everyday. But not once did he keep it.
Such a baby, can’t even keep promises. His mind equipped.
———
Est’s studio was just a few minutes away. He had bought himself one after his first piece was sold for a good price. Est always felt calmness that came with pottering.
It had that moment where the potter had to delicately, with soft hands, had to handle the clay, or else it’d come apart at the slightest of harshness. It made est remind him of himself.
The clay was weak and soft like est. a slight hard touch and it’d fall apart. Exactly like est. and est hated that part about himself. He hated how easily he fell apart. How he could never handle anything on his own. How he was never allowed to be soft. But when he sat there in front of his wheel, working on a new piece, he felt like for the first time he was allowed to be soft. For the first time he was allowed to break.
So without fail, everyday, even if it meant dragging himself out of the only place that felt like him. From his safe and cozy nest. He would come to his workspace to work.
“Good morning.” He greeted the watchman of the building in which his studio was. The man was old. Old enough that he couldn’t do any protecting but he was kind. Always treated est with respect.
“Good morning est. you’re late today.” He greeted back.
“Tough night.” Est said as he stepped inside his studio. His studio was on the last floor, with a garden attached to it. It also came with a kitchen. Some days when est didn’t feel like working, he would make himself some tea, and he would sit out in the garden, with a shawl on his lap, looking out at the orange Lilies that always seemed to be blooming there. He felt soft like that.
Whenever he looked at the flowers, and smelt it, he always wondered maybe he would also smell like a flower. Or maybe he would smell like the tea he always drank. Or maybe he would smell something like nut would describe about hong. But it was always an ‘if’ and ‘would’ situation. So he would sit there and let himself feel atleast some semblance of peace before the voices returned and the black sticky feeling returned.
———
It was one of those days. By lunch est got really tired sitting in the same position. His back ached because of how he was sitting for so long. He got up to make get himself some water. Today he felt good enough to chug down an energy bar he always kept with himself. Or more like hong forced him to keep them in the cabinet.
Est made himself some tea after he finished eating his bar. The tea was always the same. Half a cup water, one cup milk, 1/2 spoon tea leaves, 1 spoon sugar. It always had to be the same. Nothing was allowed to be different. Once he was done making the tea. He went to take out his shawl from the cabinet he had in the studio. The shawl was a white cashmere with flowers made on it with gold. He had bought it when he had gone on a trip to India for an art exhibition.
He sat himself down on the same chair in the garden, facing the same orange lilies that looked even more beautiful than yesterday. He wrapped the shawl around his shoulders as it was a bit windy. He was taking slow sips of his tea, when he heard it.
The soft serenade of a piano. The notes were so beautiful, est felt like he was in a dream. He looked towards the direction from which the sound was coming. There was a man with his back towards the window, he was sitting on a chair, as his hands flailed around. Est couldn’t help but just keep looking at the man’s beautiful and powerful back. He couldn’t help but move with the music. He looked back at the flowers as the sound of the piano filled his ears. The lilies looked beyond beautiful now. With the direct sunlight on them and the music, it almost felt like a dream.
A few minutes passed by and est didn’t realise when he had closed his eyes and almost dozed off. He opened his eyes when the soft music slowly came to an end. Est felt like going upstairs and checking who was that person but est realised it was already time for him to go back.
On his way back to his apartment, est asked the same watchman about the man playing the music.
“Who was the man playing music? This building is empty no?” Est asked locking his studio.
“Yes it was. Until recently an alpha bought it for his music classes.” The man said.
“An alpha? Music classes?” Est asked.
“Ah yes. He’s an alpha. I couldn’t almost tell because he was wearing patches. But yes he’s going to teach children who can’t afford it.” The man concluded.
“That’s nice.” Est said, already lost in thought. It would be nice to see the place filled with children.
Est always wanted a child of his own. He wanted to go through the journey. How it would feel to get marked by a kind and soft alpha. How it would feel to be knotted. How it would feel to be loved and taken care of. How it would feel to bear a child of his own.
He wished to get pregnant but well it could never come true.
———
“This is a nice place.” Nut said as he walked around the studio. Nut had tagged along with William to set up the little studio where William would be teaching students music. Well it was always something William wished to do, outside of his daily work as the owner of an omega friendly company.
“It is. There’s also a garden.” William said looking outside. Just then a man, with a shawl draped on his shoulders came out holding a cup of tea. He sat on a chair, which looked like he had sat on for years. His slightly grown hair, flew with the wind, revealing his beautiful face. He looked soft and ethereal. The beautiful being kept looking at the flowers in front of him. Orange lilies. William couldn’t help it but his hands had travelled to open the cover of the piano. His fingers tapped onto the notes one by one. His fingers moving on their own like muscle memory. The man’s face was awestruck when he realised the music was being played and then he looked up trying to locate where the music was coming from. William turned his head just as the man found his window.
William kept playing the notes, his fingers moving on its own. A few seconds later when he looked out again, the man had dozed off to the sound of William’s music. The man looked at peace. And he looked like someone William saw before.
“Who are you looking at?” Nut asked at he followed as to where William was looking at. He saw a man sitting on the chair but his face turned into one of recognition. “Oh that’s est. hong did tell me he had a studio here.” Nut said. And William hummed.
“He’s a beta isn’t he?” William asked. And Nut nodded.
“Yup he is.”
“He looks like he was meant to be an omega.” William mumbled.
William saw as est slowly woke up when he realised that the music had ended. Before est could look up, William got up and left.
———
“A new person in the apartment?” Hong asked as he was filing his nails. It always endeared est.
“Yes an alpha. He’s going to teach students how to play music.” Est said. Est and hong were on the phone talking to each other because hong couldn’t visit est as he was busy.
“Wait that sounds familiar. You remember William right? From yesterday. He’s also doing something like that in the same area. Wait is it him?” Hong asked, suddenly all excited. Est didn’t know why he was so jolly.
“Maybe who knows.” Est’s heart beat grew in his chest and he didn’t even know why. “It’d be nice to have those kids around. Maybe I could get them to join me someday?” Est said with a smile on his face. Hong smiled looking at est too.
“They’ll love you est. you’re so kind.” Hong said and it should’ve been flattering but the voice in his head disagreed.
‘𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩’
“Thank you hong” est said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes but hong didn’t have to see that.
“What does he do though?” Est asked.
“Who? William?”
“Yes.”
“Oh you remember the art centre nut works for? Nut is in the music section, but William is overall dealer of that centre.” Hong said and est’s eyes widened.
“What? Really? Isn’t that centre a museum?” Est asked.
“Yes it is. A very big one too. They were together in a music band back in college. Now they’re working together. I had thought that William would start his own music band after college, even more because he was hella good at it. But instead he chose art and became an art dealer. His work is more like pr right now.” Hong said.
“So he’s the one handling those big art exhibitions?” Est asked, still surprised. The art centre that nut used to work in was a huge art and culture museum. They used to debut new artists almost every year. And est had followed their work for years. They would hold weekly pottery classes, that est had held once. He had even visited a few exhibitions. Every artist had its own uniqueness and this museum highlighted it to its highest extent. The museum was beautiful and a place est wanted to make a debut in. He wouldn’t lie that he hadn’t thought about going big. His previous manager had said that his works are enough for him to become global. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want his name out like that. He didn’t want people to know who he was. Now all est did was work for an old man, who sold his pottery in his luxury store. Est was still surprised that William was the one making amends there.
“You’re shocked right, that how can William be into art? Yeah I thought so too. He doesn’t look like it. But I’m sure it’s because his mother was a really famous potter.l Hong said as he flipped in a piece of chips into his mouth.
“I see.” Now est wondered who his mother was. In his field there weren’t many who made it big. So if she was famous est would know.
“Go to sleep est.” hong said. Reaching for his phone. Est also reached for his phone.
“You too hong. Good night.” Est said but just as he was about to cut the call Hong’s voice stopped him.
“But est?” Est looked at him expectantly. “You know I won’t ever put you in danger right?” Hong asked. And est tilted his head in confusion.
“Yes?” Est said.
“William is a good alpha est. he’s kind and cool. Try talking to him when he’s there.” Hong said, a serious look on his face. He almost looked like he was pleading. It’s not like est didn’t like him but why would an alpha like William want anything to do with someone so bland.
Won’t William judge him if he found out that est cut himself open every night because he was taught that he deserved it?
Won’t William judge him for how he nests despite not being an omega?
Won’t William judge him for taking so many showers because he just couldn’t stop feeling dirty?
Won’t William judge him because of how much of a whiny child he is?
Won’t William judge him for being him?
“Yes I will try.” Lies again. He kept on lying. He lied about eating. He lied about getting better. He lied about the cuts. He lied about everything. The others were right he always runs away because he’s just a coward.
“Good.” Hong said and he cut the call. As soon as the call was cut est ran towards the bathroom. He stripped of his clothes. He got into the shower, turning on the shower to the hottest it could get. He scrubbed, rinsed and repeated, till his skin became raw and sensitive. Only then when he felt clean did he again take out the blade and made a new mark to the already one he had in the morning. As the blood seeped out, and disappeared down the drain did est feel that he repented for his sins.
What was his sin? Even est didn’t know. But this was what he was taught. This was what he said was est deserved.
Once done he again toweled off his body with the softest towel that he owned. He cleaned off his body. The blood that was running down his hand, he taped them up. He put on the softest pair of shorts he always kept ready. He put on the same body oil on his body, as a pretence to be an omega.
Once done, he made his way to his nest. The best part of his day. The nest was soft and made up of every soft thing est could find. But as est stayed awake burying his face in the nest, he thought what would it feel like to have an alphas scent in the nest. How beautiful the nest would smell. But he could never do that. And he will never find an alpha who will love him for who he was.
The tears prickled his eyes as the thoughts of what he didn’t have flashed in his mind. The tears fell one after another, soaking the soft material under est’s face. Est cried and cried in silence until sleep took him deep into slumber. As he was falling asleep est wished that tomorrow too he could listen to that same soft music. He wished he could doze off to that sound. He wished he could see the same back again. He wished the kids would come and play with him. And for the first time in his life est felt like waking up early because he was looking forward to the next day. And if that thought in itself brought a smile on his face then that was something only his nest knew.
‘I hope tomorrow would be good’ est mumbled into the nest, and this time when he wished, there was no voice telling him that he was wrong. There was no voice taking away that small, beautiful, smile today from est’s face.