Chapter Text
14 days after the incident…
“I need you to tell me what you see Stabler”
Bitter air slaps him around the face, gloved hands gripping that radio for dear life no matter how cold it is down here; he wasn’t letting go, he winces, his face tight and skin dry as chill runs over the surface of it, stinging, god it stings like guilt and regret and the unknowing that he had unknowingly witnessed, that they had all unknowingly witnessed.
“Stabler, Elliot, are you there?!”
The captain’s voice crackles through the speaker, he pauses somewhat pissed off that his surveying was interrupted, Elliot clasps his hands together trying to warm them up but they hurt, god they ache and he is way too old to be doing this, way too old.
“I need you to tell me what you see so we can find her!”
“I can't," he groans, voice thundering around the room "It's so dark, there's dust everywhere, but there's nothing here-”
He heaves out a cough, covering his mouth as he chokes on dust and dirt, the sound ricocheting off the cinderblock walls.
“I will find her, if it's the last thing I do, we’re close, I feel it just give me more time!”
He slides the radio into the back of his pants, his hands rooting through the dirt, wiping, swiping at it to try and clear the ground, it's so thick, so deep, he just can't; he's tired and his muscles ache, it's too much, all of this is too much. He pushes and pushes, gravel crumbles and crunches, dust flies around him, circling like a hurricane that won't let down. Elliot uses all his strength before gasping at a gush of wind, dust swirling into his face blinding him and sticking to his skin, it clings to his sweat and god it feels like tiny shards of glass smacking against him, cutting him up like his emotions constantly do in recent days.
He covers his eyes, coughing, spluttering, trying to clear his lungs as he waits for the wind to cease and the dust to settle.
He pulls out his weapon, whacking the butt of the gun against the floor listening out for anything that may be hollow, that hides emptiness in the perpetual darkness that surrounds him, he searches for that sacred echo before screaming and pounding his fists against the ground in a rage that he can't control.
“Come on!” he cries and pants, the radio crackles to life
“Stabler, back-up is here”
He reaches behind and tugs out his radio.
“We’re not picking anything up on the infrared” the captain says and he groans at that, bashing his fists against the ground
“I need to keep looking,” he grounds out “It has to be here, she left-“
He pauses before Fin’s voice crackles through.
“She’s not here anymore Elliot, I don't think she ever was,” Fin says quietly, he groans “We’re gonna regroup-“
“We are wasting time!” he shouts and looks around, grabbing the flashlight, he flicks the beam of light across the floor and clocks a crowbar in the corner of the room poking out through the dust
He grabs it and smacks it down on the ground, over and over before groaning at the dust reverberating at the sheer force of his strength.
He runs his torch over the surface, and his eyes widen, he reaches back for his radio.
"I found it!" he shouts down it and tosses it to the ground, he uses the crowbar to try to pry and pull up the wooden boards, over and over
The wood cracks and splinters, he screams with every jimmy of the bar he does before it cracks open, he reaches for his radio.
"Get CSU down here now!" he screams down the radio, he reaches for his flashlight and eases his head down the hole, he looks around
He slips his arm through the hole he created and sweeps the torch over the walls, over the ground, he closes his eyes and chokes out a sob.
He reaches for the radio again.
"You were right," he breathes "She's not here, but someone has been"
"Get out of there, Stabler," Fin responds and he buries his face in his hands "Building's unsteady as is, fire department are on their way"
"Will do," he responds and looks around, he finds that sliver of light that eased him down here to make his way back up
Elliot just stares, it's all he can do, an EMT wraps his hand in bandage, murmuring for him to take it easy and ice his hand, that makes Fin scoff beside him because that isn't happening, it won't happen, it hasn’t happened in days. They regroup, he stares and just doesn't listen, he doesn't add any input, and when that was done, Fin drives him back to the precinct while they process the scene because something happened in that basement, he's sure of it. He gets out and heads up, moving past everyone, he looks at Amanda briefly, but she drops her gaze, like it burns to look him in the eye.
He wants to glare, but he can’t.
She feels guilty enough already, they all do.
"What the hell was that?"
Elliot shudders out a breath.
"We told you to get out-"
"Curry, I know you mean well but I wasn't going to rest until I found it and I did so you should be grateful" he shrugs, rubbing his hands over his face “They could find prints, fibers, hair…anything to indicate that-“
"You disobeyed rules, I should go to the chief-"
"And what's she going to do?" Elliot chuckles, standing up now "What exactly is Tynan going to do about this? This is probably down to her, this whole thing is, you know it and I know it, hell even Rollins fucking knows it, Curry! I mean, look at her, look at the guilt-"
Amanda's ears prick up outside the captain's office, rage encases her, surrounds her.
"Don't you dare!" she thunders through the door, drilling a finger into his chest and he smirks at her "Oh you are such an ass Stabler, no wonder Liv never wanted to get in your bed, no wonder why she was always so pissed off at you-"
He grabs her arm and glares into her eyes.
"You have no idea," he whispers "no idea what Liv says or thinks or does, no idea!"
"None of us do!" Amanda screams back at him with fear and anger "None of us may never find out-"
"Enough!" Curry sandwiches herself between them, Elliot just stares at Amanda while she glares up at him "This isn't helping the case, Stabler, go home and shower, you've been on for twelve hours now-"
"I'm not resting-"
"Come on, man," Fin grumbles and tugs him away "I'll give you a ride"
The car journey was silent, they stop off, Elliot picks up take out, two burgers and a side of fries each to go with, some nuggets too, and a large chocolate milkshake before Fin drives him back to his. He gets out and makes him promise to keep him in the loop, he will, and Elliot knows he will, but god, it doesn't make this seem or feel any easier. He walks into his apartment, hums at his mother at the counter with Randall, they're muttering to each other, whispering, he rolls his eyes at that and then heads towards Eli's room, he knocks softly and opens it, sighing at the mountain of blankets on the bed and five empty glasses on the nightstand stacked on top of crumb ridden plates. He shuts the door behind him, glaring at Randall as he does.
"I know you're under there"
He places the bag on the desk.
"I got burgers," he murmurs and sits at the desk, he smirks when the blankets shift and move, a mop of curly hair appearing from under them "Your favorite"
"I thought you were Randall"
Elliot snorts.
"I like to think I'm less annoying than him," he passes the bag over "Why don't you get out of bed-"
"Did you find her?"
Elliot sighs.
"No," he shakes his head "I didn't find your mom, not today"
His shoulders sag.
"Please don't ask me any more questions," he gets up and grabs the bag, pulling it into his body and sitting down on the edge of the bed "I can't remember anything else"
"That's ok, I won't," he whispers, shrugging and reaching for a chicken nugget "But I think we're really close Noah"
He shrugs.
"I think we're really damn close, I can feel it," he nods, but Noah shrugs, he didn't seem that convinced "Why don't we watch a movie? Hey, I'll even let you watch a horror movie, or we can play a game?"
"I want my things," he pleads with him and Elliot softens a little "Please, Elliot, I just…I want to go home"
"I know," he softens "But I can't take you there yet, it's not safe"
He groans in annoyance.
"I know it sucks and I know it's not fair, but for your mom, we have to…we have to stay here-"
"I just want my clothes," he grunts and lies back in bed, staring up at the ceiling "I don't want to be here, I want…I want to go home, I want to see my friends, I want my mom"
"I know," Elliot smiles sadly at him "But your mom said-"
"That if something happened to her, I would go to you and that you'd keep me safe, but Elliot, I'm not a little kid anymore-"
"I know," he nods sadly "I know, Noah, but your mom, she trusts me with you, and I don't want to break that trust"
"You're just waiting for them to find a body"
Elliot flinches violently at those words.
"If she's dead, am I yours?"
"Noah," Elliot responds steadily, "Your mom, she's-"
"Don't make promises you can't keep," he glares at him, and Elliot knows he's touched a nerve "That's rule one of being a cop, don't make promises you can't keep"
Elliot holds his hands up.
"I want you to go," he pulls the bag of food against his chest, he turns over and curls onto his side "Go!"
"I will," he promises and grabs his food "There's a chocolate milkshake for you on the desk"
He moves out of there, shutting the door behind him, and Randall looks at him closely as he sits at the counter, Bernie turns to them and presses her lips together.
"Has he been out?" he dares to ask, and Randall shares a look with Bernie "I'll take that as a no"
"Only to use the bathroom," Bernie reasons "Other than that, not a word, quiet as a lamb, you could hear a pin drop in this place"
Elliot buries his face in his hands.
"You know what you have to do," Randall looks at him closely, he swallows and nods "On top of finding Olivia"
He gets up and walks to the safe that was on the shelf, he taps in the code and pulls out some papers, he spreads them across the counter and picks up the one he needs.
"I don't mind making the call for you," Randall leans forward, and Bernie hums at that "Katie sure would make it, she's good at that shit, trained with all that psychobabble”
"I know," he breathes "But she won't be able to, it has to be me, it says here in the papers that if Liv left in the event of an emergency…"
"What's the guy’s name?"
"Lindstrom," Elliot mumbles "I know he's good, Liv gave a glowing recommendation, he'll know how to help Noah, I know he will but I just feel it's not going to be the same as…well a mother's love"
"Olivia had her reasons," Bernie starts, and Elliot just gives her a look that questions that statement "And whatever those reasons are, she chose you to pick up the pieces"
He nods sadly and reaches for his phone.
"Make the call, Elliot," Bernie tells him "Don't deny Noah this in her absence”
The phone trembles in his hand as he makes the call, he knows Noah is going to hate him for it, he knows that. Lindstrom is a smart guy, Elliot divulges as much as necessary, and immediately he jumps at the thought of him wanting to keep familiarity, so he offers to come to his place, Elliot hands over the address, smiling at him being so flexible. He books a time slot and leaves it up to Olivia's ex-therapist to come up with a plan on how to get Noah to open up, it allows him to be open to work the case when needed, it allows the squad to lean on him if they need to. Randall takes Bernie back to his, it gives them space, it works because he sees Noah watching him from the bedroom door, eyes wide and curious, like he's the little kid he says he's not.
But Elliot ignores, leaving the ball in Noah’s court, he wants him to have the choice, considering so many have been taken away from him
Elliot grabs the ice cream, strawberry, Noah's favourite, from the freezer, he moves to the couch, and Noah watches him go, he just won't step over that threshold while people are looking at him.
"Can I have some?"
He turns his head and hums at him standing there now.
"Grab a spoon," he nods to the kitchen, and Noah falters so Elliot corrects himself "I'll grab you a spoon"
He passes the tub to him and gets him that spoon, when he returns Noah's perched on the edge of the couch, Elliot passes him the spoon and Noah's quick to run his thumb over it, studying it slowly, checking every inch of the damn thing before digging into the ice cream.
"Wanna watch something or play a game?"
Noah blinks at him.
"How about you teach me how to play Fortnite, I need to get good for the Stabler annual competition," he grumbles "Could do with a coach-"
"Mom told me about that," Noah stares at him with wide eyes as Elliot sets up the console, he passes him a controller "Said you came last at the last one"
"I always come last," Elliot scoffs and Noah smirks at him "I bet your mom would be good at this though-"
"I don't want you to talk about her," Noah turns his head to look at the TV "I know she's dead"
"We don't know that-"
"Yes we do, Elliot," Noah looks at him again "What I saw…"
"Hey, hey," Elliot places his hand on his back, Noah violently swerves his touch "Noah, what you saw…what you saw I'm going to help you with that and I know you don’t want to talk to me kid, I know that ok? But your mom, she knows that you need to talk to someone, so I made a call"
"No," Noah whispers, shaking his head "No, no, Elliot, please no-"
"Hey, it's going to be ok, I'm going to be there every step of the way, ok?" Elliot nods at him, Noah stares into his eyes, he looked so scared "Every step"
"I don't want to leave," he whispers, shaking his head "I won't, you're not taking me-"
"Noah, it's ok," Elliot assures him "Noah, we're not leaving here, ok? I won't do anything that you don't wanna do, ok? I know your mom…I don't know what happened in those final moments-"
"You think she's dead," he scowls "You said final moments"
"No, I…" he huffs "I mean, I don't know what happened between you both in those final days you were together ok? I don't and I'm not even going to begin to try to understand-"
"She left me, Elliot!" Noah screams at him and he gets up "She left me! She…sacrificed me for her because…"
He chokes out a sob.
"Because she loves you, Noah, you're her son, her boy-"
"I just wanted her to be ok!" he sobs "I would have gone instead of her, I would have! I tried Elliot, I tried to help her"
"Come on, come here," he pulls him in for a hug, he sobs against him and cradles the back of his head "It's going to be ok, we're going to help her when we find her"
He breathes.
“We will find her,” he says into his head with conviction “We will”
Nothing breaks like a heart is what Kathleen said to him, and Elliot is starting to wonder if it’s true. He does the same routine they’ve naturally fallen into, Noah goes to bed that’s if he’s even gotten out of bed, he reads him a part of his book and Elliot knows the kid is just trying to find comfort in the mess of this situation. He leaves the nightlight on, he managed to beg Curry to grab it from the scene, she said she shouldn’t but he said for Noah, everything is for Noah, they work for Noah. He taps the base to the third light setting, dim but not too dim is how Noah would describe it, the first time he said that made him chuckle because it’s so Olivia.
He leaves the door shut, he likes it shut before heading into his room, he sits on the edge of the bed and stairs at the wall above the dresser. Mirror removed, surface wiped clear of clutter and wall mounted with a pinboard, different coloured string pointing to CCTV frames, bank statements and the missing persons poster, areas marked last seen on a map of New York City.
Except none of it makes sense, none of it
He shouldn’t be doing this, not with Noah next door.
“Elliot”
He turns around and smiles.
“Hey” he softens as Noah falters by the door “Do you wanna look?”
He swallows anxiously.
“It’s ok” Elliot reassures him, and Noah gingerly takes a step into his bedroom, he looks around like he's taking in a new place for the first time
He studies the wall.
“That’s wrong,” Noah says, and Elliot frowns as he takes the pen out of his hand “That was Monday, not Thursday”
“The date says-“
“It was Monday,” Noah insists “I know because I got my phone that day, I took it”
“You took it?”
“Mom was angry,” he whispers as he writes “That was Monday because I left”
“You left?”
“Yes,” he nods “To get food, mom was in bed, she cried all night”
Elliot stares at him.
“I paid using my phone,” he explains and looks at everything “I went there before her, she put a tracker on my phone, she must have-“
“Your mom she uh-“
“She's extremely paranoid, more so than any helicopter mom would be? I know,” Noah grumbles “I don’t hate her, I just want you to find her”
He passes the pen back and leaves the room, Elliot frowns and pulls out his phone. He takes a picture of the CCTV frame and updated case map then sends it off to Fin.
He rests his hands on his hips and stretches his back; Fin calls his phone.
“Hey man,” Elliot says tiredly, sitting on the edge of the bed as he unties his shoes, phone wedged between ear and shoulder “Any news for me?”
“CSU found traces of saliva in the cellar-“
“Match to Liv?”
“No,” he says “It was DNA from a male, we ran it through the databases and no hits, which we expected, but…”
Elliot sighs.
“You sitting down, Stabler-“
“Whatever you have to say, I can cope with it, Fin,” he goes to close the door “Noah’s not here either, so-“
“We found hair too,” he says tiredly “Match to Liv-“
“Did she leave anything?” he holds onto that last string of hope he has “Please Fin, please tell me she left something”
“She didn’t, CSU did a thorough sweep,” he says “Not like the last place we raided, Carisi’s working overtime trying to find loopholes, but he’s reaching dead ends everywhere at every turn”
“She’s getting worse, isn’t she?” he asks and Fin makes a neutral noise
“I still have hope,” he says “I know you do too”
“I do,” he picks up a red marker and marks the map “I really do”
“Those cop instincts will kick in even in the darkest of times,” Fin tells him “How’s Noah?”
“Won’t come out of the bedroom unless its me alone or to use the bathroom,” he says tiredly “Randall’s tried, the boys have tried, Kathleen got some sort of reception from him but he wouldn’t open the door for her, he’ll talk from the room to her but nothing else unless it’s just me”
“He trusts you, Elliot,” he says quietly “That’s gotta count for something”
“It does,” Elliot says "It really does, and I know Liv trusts me with him I just don’t know how to break through that wall so I uh…I read Liv’s papers from her safe”
Fin hums.
“She left some information on Noah, uh, what to do if something happened to her and to call her therapist, book him in-“
“Lindstrom” Fin cuts in and Elliot hums
“Yeah him, so I called booked him in and I just…what's the guy like?”
“He did some work for the NYPD, Liv sent vics there, he’s good at it, really good it kind of got to the point where she plateaued i think so she looked for more targeted therapy which is why she left him-“
“Lot of good that did,” Elliot grumbles and groans “I don’t mean…sorry, it’s just frustrating”
“I get it, we’re all finding it frustrating,” Fin says quietly “This guy will help Noah, he will Elliot, he’ll know what to do and I think Liv knows that too”
He sighs.
“Get some rest, yeah?” he says “Curry wants to see you bright and early-“
“She’s a good Captain,” Elliot considers “Even for an IAB cop”
Fin snorts in agreement.
“Get some sleep,” Fin says “See you tomorrow”
He ends the call, and Elliot rests his hands on his hips, staring at the wall that will no doubt haunt his dreams tonight.
That and Olivia’s face.