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So here's the thing. Dean kissed Cas. Castiel, angel of the lord. Lord being past Chuck, now Jack, Cas’s and Dean's son. Not their son-son exactly. Lucifer's and Kelly's son who then died, and Cas adopted Jack, and Jack kind of adopted Dean in the process to be his other dad. Look, it's a long story, a messy story, but the thing still is that he, Dean Winchester, kissed Cas. I guess you can say it was a heat-of-the-moment thing and then again not really. After months of grieving, which Dean did not do, as he had just been “fine”. A little bit more drinking, a bit fewer hours of sleep at night, but who keeps score?.
And he's sure he had looked very constipated when it happened, almost verge tears will do that, and it had felt sweet, sweet pain to press his lips against Cas’s. And friends kiss, on occasion. Or so he had heard.
It happened at the moment when Cas was saved from Empty. Emotions had been high, their last chance of succeeding, and Dean may have tackled Cas to a desperate hug seconds after Cas had stumbled from the rift to the Empty. Dean had jumped him like Cas was a last lifeline before drowning, before his ragged breath constricting his ribs bursting from his chest in a hiccupped sob and... and then it just kind of happened.
First there had been Cas's arms hanging from shock and surprise. Then they had been grabbing Dean's back and shoulders, pulling Dean in, body against the body, but then... then it had definitely happened. The kiss. First kiss. Kiss of proof of life, proof Dean's own desperation like two magnets joined together. Whatever you want to call it. Kiss on the lips, no tongue, just a painfully desperate kiss that kind of stung Dean's soul, pressed heavily to his skin even though it was just lips pushed together. Maybe a bit too much force, but nothing else and then it had ended, foreheads together, closed eyes from shared breath, before a reality check from Sam clearing his throat, Jack's uncertain “uhm”, and Eileen's silent mouthing “Oh”
And then horrible, horrible shock. Scared shock on Dean's face, less scared and more puzzled shock on Cas’s face. Shocked looks on Sam and Eileen's faces, Dean's behalf. And Jack's shock about the change of mood in the room.
But then there came a step back, a slap on shoulders, on Cas’s back. Words: “Good to have you back, buddy.”
Hug from Sam: “We are so happy to get you back”.
Jack's childlike squeal “Dad” and tackle hug. Eileen’s bright smile over Jack's shoulder.
And now, they don't talk about it. They don't talk about Cas’s confession, not about the kiss and not about how Dean had been meanwhile. At least Dean is not talking about it. Sam tries to talk about it and Cas.. he just is. And now Dean does not know what to do or what he is supposed to do.
He… he has these feelings where he needs Cas to be close. Not just the same room close, but close-close. He needs Cas’s arms around him. Cas’s body against him. He just needs to feel the pressure, any kind of pressure that he knows Cas really is here. And it's driving Dean crazy, like really, really crazy.
“Easy, Dean. I am here.” He’s between Cas and the wall. He bites Dean’s neck. Just above the clavicle. And it soothes Dean. He does not know how, but it does.
“Now tell me what do you need” Cas does not move away.
“I need you... like... like this. To… to feel... Please” The plea is the new one. The one Dean does not do, but it comes out anyway.
“Alright” Cas draws back, and Dean, Dean whimpers. “It won't be long”, and Cas guides Dean to the bed “Just lay back”
“Cas I... “
“Just lay back,” And Dean does
He watches how Cas crawls above him, one knee against his, which makes him breathe hitch. “Easy, Dean” And then Cas lies down.
Dean feels Cas’s body pressing him against the mattress from the hips, from the chest. Cas’s arms come either side of his head. “You can touch me”, Cas says, and Dean drags his hands up Cas’s sides while looking into blue eyes. And when Cas bends down to kiss Dean's throat, Dean lets out a moan.
Cas's thigh moves between his legs, in slow motion, and Dean can’t help but move with it
“I ..I can’t…” He whimpers when Cas pulls back, but then he feels Cas’s lips through his shirt, biting his nipple, and he arches his back with a yell
Cas moves between his legs with a slow grind of hips, and Dean pants from the tension that he feels.
Suddenly Cas's hands go under his shirt, just a palm pressing his hip to keep movement going. The skin-to-skin touch is so sudden, so burning. Dean can’t handle it. He comes. And Cas does not move away, but rides Dean through it with the grinding of his hips and an intense stare that ravels Dean to pieces.
Like that crazy. That… that happened just now when he's sitting in the library. While Cas is not far from him, bending over a god-knows-how-old and dusty tome and sliding his fingers along its side while preparing to turn the page. An unconscious and innocent act that had drawn Dean's eyes to stare and plunge his head into the heated daydream that left him shudder from the aftershock.
The same blue eyes that had just watched him come on a dream move up from the text to search Dean’s. His body hitches and adjusts; his legs move as it recognises the hardness between them before the realisation hits the brain that there had not been a relief that he so much graved for.
“Dean?” Comes Cas’s question and puzzled look like he should know that something had been going on between them
“Y-yeah?”
“You seem… “The palm of Castiel's hand traps the tome into the table while the angel leans in. Just like in the dream, it had pushed Dean against the wall, against the mattress, and Dean almost let out a whimper. The heat in his abdomen tightens, spreads, and once again he has to move. To ease the pressure. Anything to… to forget, to stop it.
“You seem… agitated” Angel tilts his head “Is me being here bothering you?”
And what is Dean supposed to say to that? That yes, but I want you to.. “No, no. Of course not. It's just that there has not been any hunts lately and I would need a release”
Oh, lord, words come so wrong, and he barely manages to hold himself back. He does need the release; he needs it so fucking bad that he digs his fingers into the tabletop, hoping for something sharp, anything sharp... please, please... anything else than what Cas says next
“Hmmm…” Cas hums while his thumb moves thoughtfully on top of the pages “I understand”
He watches how Cas straightens himself, angel's hand releasing the tome and shuts it with purposeful movement. Fingers caress the halves, one staying between the closed pages, marking the spot, and then sliding away, releasing its ownership.
He can’t get his eyes away when Cas moves around the table, comes to stand in front of him, leaning down, one hand going back of Dean’s chair, the other flattening against the table top. Blue eyes, unrelenting, unforgiving, promising…
“Dean? What do you need, Dean?”
“You... you can’t ask me that”, He pleads. The same words than in the dream, and it's like a touch on sensitive skin. He shuts his eyes in desperation to separate what is real and what is not; he does not know anymore, and this is not real, can't be.
“I will give you anything…” The breath of the words brushes his temple, warmth of the body, Cas’s scent in his nostrils, as after all, this is real. Then a whisper, “... even this,” and a touch.
The kiss. Different from the first. The sharp breath from surprise. More saliva, more moist. More deep, purposeful, full of promise. Chapped lips against his, warm and knowing. The asked question that Dean finally answers; yes, yes... this is what he wants, to have, to give. They taste, they feel. And then, like the first one, it’s over. They now stand together, even though Dean does not remember rising up. Breathe moves their chests in sync. Bodies pressed together by Cas’s hard grip on Dean's hips. Dean's hands on either side of Cas’s neck, his own head bowed just inches away, his last desperate act for the control that he has not. He does not look at the angel when he whispers
“I… I need you. I want you.. to, to touch me…be with me. To love me…fuck me”
There are no roles when Cas takes the lead. No roles when he guides the human between shelves, against the shelves, down on the floor and lies on top of him. Marvel's what he's given permission
“I love you”, Cas says and then gives what is asked for
It's slow motion, its bruising speed. It’s hard touches, it’s soft caresses. It's love and its need. It's desperation to be closer from both. Angel’s grace owing what belongs to him, human soul giving in to where he is meant to be. They move as one; they come as one.
I love you
“You knew?” Dean asks. There’s something funny about being bruised by some 1600s-old iron-riveted Bible, because an angel got a bit handsy (okay, fine, they had sex, awesome sex, happy now?). He can only hope it's not cursed, as many of the Men of Letters' bunker objects seem to be. Though, does he really care? No.
“I hoped”, Cas grins like the Cheshire Cat
“Hoped?”
“And prayed”
Oh’no ”You mean prayed, Jack?!” Now he has a really... really bad feeling about this, and he does not think that the hand in the bible will help him on this
“I guess he may have heard” Cas tilts his head, squinting his eyes “Why?”
“Why?.. Because I..because I think he…” Dean snaps his mouth shut. Brain don’t go there!
“Dean?” How can an angel go from sexy pizza man to heaven's ruthless interrogator in one second? “Tell me what Jack has done”
“Well… I mean… nothing?” Which is not a lie, right?
“Dean”
“Look..I may have had these… uhm, daydreams, just before we… ” He flips finger around pretty much very dishevelled looking section on the library isle
“Before we had intercourse”, Cas clarifies, blue eyes staying steady on him; it really does not help that they both are without clothes.
“Don’t say it like that, gross!”
“It was gross?” And Dean watches how Cas’s face goes to thinking, bloody hell, probably playing it in his mind, and Dean can’t have that. Well, he wants to have that... wait..
“No… NO!” He yelps before his thought goes way too far “It was not gross”, and then he grins “It was… awesome”
“Dean, you are not making any sense”
He sighs “I had these.. images..” Cas raises his eyebrow at his wording, yeah, yeah he’s been chidlis “..dreams, like you doing things to me”
“What things?”
“Do I have to spell it for you?” and notices how Cas’s mouth twists to hide a smile “Fine… having intercoursy things, happy now”
“I told you I am, but what does Jack have to do with your daydreams”
“Come on, man…” And luckily Cas gives him some mercy
“You think that Jack made you see those daydreams so it would lead to this. “There’s a pause, and then Cas's face goes blank “I see why you see it gross, Dean”
“So… so you understand?”
“Yes. Jack intervened, and this was not at all what you wanted. He took your free will away” Cas starts to rise up
Wait, what? He feels his jaw literally drop to the floor like in Scooby Doo cartoons or in any cartoon that has ever been drawn
“I will deal with this immediately” Cas's eyes go around, searching his clothes and then going rigid, looking devastated “I can only.. I am sorry that this was not what you wanted or what I did to you. I… this is an unforgivable violation”
“Cas…wait a minute…” Dean scrambles up and hits his toe painfully in the corner of that bloody bible. He's so gonna burn the whole thing as soon as he gets a lighter, but for now...
“No, I.. I understand” Cas is lifting his shoulder like his to protect himself or …
“Don’t you poof away. I don’t want you to leave”
“Why? Why would you even want to look at me, let alone to stay? What I did… ” Cas averting his gaze, stubbornly staring at the wrecked shelves
“Was what I wanted. Look, Cas, you got it wrong. I don’t think it's gross because it got us here; it's more to do with that Jack is our son and...” He let out a chuckle “That... you, him, should not think about his parents… You know.. doing this” Cas still does not look at him “It's a human thing, okay”, which apparently still was not okay.
God, he hated Cas sometimes. Doing this, being silent. Whatta hell, he's all in on this, so he bends down and lifts the bible up and places his hands on top of it
“I swear to.. to Jack, that I wanted this, you. Really, really bad, and I don’t regret any of it and…well, would like to do it more actually” He lifts his eyes to look at Cas, who now is looking at him, so he tries “So.. what you say?”
Cas slowly closes the space between them and takes the bible from him. Inspects the cover for a while
“Don’t get attached to it, I am going to burn the bloody thing”, He says “And please don’t drop it, got bruises from it already, don’t need more”
“Hmm…” Cas hums and his gaze goes from the bible to roam over Dean’s naked body, which makes Dean’s body react... hard
“Yeah..” He looks down at himself, grins, “Told you”
He watches how the Bible vanishes from Cas’s hand, and he seriously hopes it emerges somewhere at the bottom of the sea or bonfire. And then Cas turns to him, so suddenly that Dean takes a step back just to be stumbled against the shelf
“I never much cared about that version”, Cas says, slowly leaning in to whisper in his ear “But I would like to know what you dreamed about. What I did to you in them…”
His breath gets caught, and he has to swallow “Well… it, it started a bit like this and…”
“Hmmh..” Cas’s hands touched Dean's sides, and his body jolts under them “What else?”
The kiss on the clavicle made him let out a shout and fumble the words “I…you asked me something”
Cas stops, and blue eyes search for Dean’s now. The gaze is intense, piercing, hot, ravelling, and then Dean's eyes go wide “Now, tell me what do you need, Dean”
“You son of’fa…” He manages just when Cas kisses him, and he can feel the bloody angel smiling against his lips
***
“Dean... Cas... no… gross. Get a room, bed, closet, I don’t care, but not in the library!!”
“Shame that you got rid of that bible; we could have used it to throw it at Sam”
“Dean”
“Did I tell you about the dream I once had? It happened in the kitchen”
“I could get the Bible”