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It was the last night before finals were over, papers overdue and never ending projects that were never quite right but the urgency to get it done would push you thru.
Not a rare sight, to see him at this apartment even when there was really no valid reason for him to be. Not even at the same major but even so, always together. To the point you could question why not just move in together and save themselves the trouble and the time it took him to walk all the way from his two bedroom apartment he shared with Oomori yet rarely used if not to keep his stuff there.
Maybe he could start subtly moving his stuff here, bit by bit. A toothbrush in the bathroom, a spare change of clothes in the closet... A matching cup in the gabinet. He would think about it more than once but, what excuse could he possibly use until there was no way to keep the truth from coming out? And Hirose wasn't quite there yet.
Or maybe he was, maybe he had been for some time, but the fear... The fear that's been chasing him since his teen years wouldn't quite let go.
And so he remained there in the middle of Nakamura's living room, helping clear out the take out boxes, wiping the soy sauce spilled on the table before it would reach his spreadsheets and undo all his hard work.
"I'm going out for a bit" the soft murmur of Nakamura's baritone drove him out of his musings and he could just stare, watch his back as he put on his coat and took the pack on the coffe table before leaving thru the back door leading to the little garden his apartment came with.
It didn't take long for Hirose to finish his self imposed task and follow right up, just in time to watch as those long slender fingers flicked the lighter to life and lit up the end of Nakamura's cigarette, resting comfortably in the plump softness of his lips. A sight that never failed to take his breath away.
And then he felt it. That heavy stare that no matter how many years went past would always find him and pin him down on the spot.
His hair is shorter now, he couldn't help to notice, curling just at the tips of his ears and framing his face in such a charming way.
Before the finals began he would complain about it, how his bangs had gotten too long and got in the way when he was up at night studying or even worse during lab practice when he really needed a clear view of his own hands. And so the answer was to cut it, not as short as he had previously back in high school but short enough to not get in the way, short enough to last until finals were over.
Short enough to frame those sharp feline eyes that would always find staring right back at him.
But now, here at night, where the lights were dim enough to draw shadows on his face and the sharp angles of it stood out in ways he had never seen before and the breeze brought out the scent of the night he could almost taste it.
That delicious meal in a cafe hidden in a corner back at China town, his stomach full in a pleasant way and the salt that pearmeted the air, so close to the sea. And he might not remember it perfectly, the exact shade of the flowers adorning the greenery in the background blurred in his mind. But he could never forget the warmth. The warmth of the smoke leaving the man's lips and filling his chest with a feeling he couldn't quite name at least not back then.
He knew. He knew it wasn't the same, it could never be. But he couldn't help himself, couldn't help but notice.
It was surprising, the first time he saw his shy and proper friend light up a cigarette after a long night at work, just coming back from his shift at the bar just two blocks away from uni.
"I know, I know" he would stumble to explain himself. "It helps me relax"
Was all he said, but the tips of his ears would redden, clearly not expecting Hirose to be there in his couch, waiting for him. A warm cup of cocoa in his hands. He had let himself in, abusing the power of the spare key he had been trusted with for emergencies.
And were never really used for emergencies unless you counted each time the anxiety and pressure threatened to crush him under its weight and the only cure, the only way to get the air back on his lungs was the lull of Nakamura's voice and the steady quietness of his presence. And to Hirose it was.
With time the novelty and surprise wore off and it just became one of the thousands of little facts and quirks about Nakamura that Hirose would keep guarded in a special place in his mind.
Or so he thought.
And maybe it was the long weeks of going back and forth from uni to his internship to his part time job, maybe it was the soft dizziness from sleep trying to claim him or maybe the buzz from the beer he allowed himself after dinner with the excuse it helped - him- relax. Or maybe it was the growth spurt Nakamura hit after his 20's, filling up his shoulders, hardening his jaw and making his awkward shyness turn into a calm misterious quietness of a boy that have grown into himself and finally became a man.
Or maybe it was the self preservation and common sense leaving his body at the sight that he couldn't help himself and muster.
"Sens..."
"sei?"
As if waiting for it, Nakamura's voice broke the quiet and finished his line of thought for him, making Hirose clamp his mouth shut, his teeth almost clashing and biting his lip in a hurry to stop himself.
It should have been scary, how fast the air changed between them. How Nakamura's dark gaze, which hadn't left his face since he crossed the back door, hardened in an instant. A frown adorning those plump lips, still holding the cigarette that messed up Hirose's head enough to, in exchange, mess everything up.
But it wasn't, instead he felt himself fill with shame, guilt weighting his heart and sinking it to the depths of his stomach, a sudden surge of nausea overcoming him.
And for Nakamura, it's not like he was blind, all right? He had noticed from the very first time his best friend caught him taking a smoke to unwind. How his eyes would go back and forth, trying not to get caught in his staring and yet unable to stop. And he would wonder, he would allow himself to linger in what it all could mean before he let himself fall into old habits and feel that old seed of hope grow.
Guess he finally had his answer. Couldn't say he was surprised. Couldn't say it didn't hurt anyway.
Before Hirose could open his mouth and try to excuse himself Nakamura beat him to it, with a voice he had never heard from him in the seven years of knowing eachother.
"Still on that, huh?"
And then he smiled, as if they were telling an inside joke, as if this was funny and not opening an old wound Nakamura believed closed.
For a second there, he was Nakamura Okuto: shy gay boy in love with his classmate Hirose Aiki, trying desperately and embarrassingly to be noticed by him. To have those brown eyes look his way. Those same brown eyes that enamored him in the first place.
But he was past that, he realized. He was older now, a college student. They were close friends now and Nakamura finally felt secure enough in their friendship to know when to push and when to pull, knew he could speak up when he wanted to and retreat when he needed to. And maybe he would always be shy but he has learnt to be confident in his very own Okuto way, to value himself.
"Sorry I'm not him, but... " he began talking before taking another hit of his cigarette, the damning words leaving his mouth alongside the smoke. "You know, you're 23 years now, right?"
A soft smile adorned his lips, not quite reaching his eyes, now obscured by his bangs as he turned himself towards the far away moon lighting up the night sky.
"So, if you really want to, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if his favorite student paid him a visit, and then who knows?"
With those last words he let the cigarrete kiss the ground, putting out the fire with the sole of his shoe with more force than necessary.
Hirose stood there, the words and it's meaning and Nakamura's disappointed gaze pinning him to the ground, unable to move. Unable to reach out and stop Nakamura from leaving like he had, in the past.
Everything was easier then.
He felt those slender fingers -- those who haunted his dreams and kept him up at night at the same time-- grazing his shoulder on his way back. Surely going right to bed after such shit ending to what had been a pleasant night.
And so it was just him, all alone. Hirose Aiki. The regret keeping him from leaving as it should be appropriate after upsetting the owner of the apartment as only he knew how.
He should leave, he knew this. He kept telling himself this, but there was this annoying part of himself that kept replaying everything that went wrong the moment he stepped out the door and the many ways he could have avoided making a fool of himself and ruin everything they have been quietly building between them with a single word.
He should leave but he just... Can't.
He should find a way to fix this but he doesn't know how. Doesn't know if it's possible.
So he just stays there. The same words repeating themselves over and over in his mind, crouching down the floor, his hands covering his face and messing up his hair
"I really done it this time"