Work Text:
One of the unexpected benefits to the surprising success of the Squignowski Talent Agency of Burbank (STAB!) was their sudden influx of actual money. Dollars. Bread. Scratch. Dough. (At last count, Lenny had come up with 30 unique slang terms for the green stuff now occupying their wallets.)
With Laverne’s urging (prodding, nudging… Shut up, Lenny!) they agreed to check out the newly vacant apartment one floor directly above Laverne’s (& no longer Shirley’s). The apartment manager who had taken over the job from Carmine – now dancing with the touring company of Hair (the musical, not the mop top on his head, thank you, Lenny) – fished out his keys, unlocked the door and gestured with a flourish, for them to enter.
Wide eyed, the boys turned in circles, examining every inch of the much larger space.
“Y’know, Squig, it looks kinda familiar. You think we ever been here before?”
With a put upon sigh, Squiggy gave him a whack on the arm. “Course it looks familiar, dummy. It’s just like ours, only bigger.”
“Oh…right.”
“Gentlemen, perhaps you would like to inspect the bedroom upstairs.”
Lenny and Squiggy stared at each other In awe.
“Squig, we ain’t never had one of those before.”
The manager – we’ll call him Fritz – looked confused but quickly rallied. With another sweeping gesture he herded them towards the staircase.
“Stairs, Len. STAIRS!”
They both tried to use them at the same time, wedging themselves between the wall and the railing.
“Guess we’ll get used to them,” Lenny said thoughtfully. “Or we could just sleep in the living room, like we’re used to.”
“Then what would be the point of moving?”
“Well… I don’t know. We’d have a place to set up the drum kit.”
Squiggy stared at him, flummoxed. “We ain’t got any drums.”
“No, but with the extra room we could get some.”
A now worried Fritz squeezed past them, trying to encourage them to follow up the stairs and stop talking about loud musical instruments that would definitely disturb the neighbors.
Upon reaching the bedroom, Lenny and Squiggy began to explore the space.
“A window!” cried Squiggy.
“A sink, just like Laverne and Sh- er, Laverne’s!” pointed Lenny.
As one, they turned to Fritz, announcing, “We’ll take it!”
*
It didn’t take long for the boys to pack up all their belongings. There wasn’t a whole lot to pack. The final hurtle was to decide what to do about their bunk bed.
“We’re moving up in the world, Len. Bigger and better.”
“We’re only moving up one floor though, Squig. Let’s not get too carried away.”
Laverne, who was lounging in the doorway, under the pretext of helping them move, rolled her eyes. “Fellas, you gotta look at the big picture.”
They turned in circles, eying the now barren walls.
“Laberne,” Squiggy said, with exaggerated patience, “We already took down all the pitchers. Whatcha talking about?”
“What I’m talking about, is you don’t have to live like this anymore. You can go out and buy two separate beds.” She nodded encouragingly.
Lenny frowned, and exchanged perplexed looks with Squiggy. “Why would we want to do that?”
Throwing up her arms, Laverne heaved a sigh. ‘I give up! You two are hopeless! At least I won’t have to worry about you sneaking through that secret passage anymore.” With that, she quickly left them to their own devices, before they tried to get her to help them move the refrigerator.
“She’s right, Squig. We won’t be same-floor neighbors anymore. Think she’ll miss us?”
“Of course she will,” Squiggy nodded firmly. “But that’s okay, we can stomp on the floor now and then so she knows we’re still here.”
“Hey, yeah, good idea.”
“She does have a point though. Why are we takin’ this hunk of junk bed with us when we can afford something new?”
“I dunno, Squig, we’ve had lots of happy times in that bed.”
Squiggy shot him a look. “Not that happy.”
*
Now decided, the boys wasted no time driving over to Bardwell’s to check out the bedding options. Met with an entire section devoted solely to sleeping accommodations, they looked around, feeling a bit overwhelmed.
There were beds marked King and Queen (but neither of them had a crown). Some filled with water and one made by a guy named Murphy.
Some had elaborate headboards. “Look, Squig, this one’s got a shelf attached. Perfect place to keep a midnight snack.”
Squiggy was curiously examining a wooden cabinet. “I don’t get it. Is this Dracula’s coffin?” He pressed a button and the top popped up, the front came down and suddenly it had transformed into a single bed.
“Hey!” Lenny joined him and lay down on the mattress. “Press it again and see if it swallows me.” Sadly, it did not.
There was a round one shaped like a heart and draped in red. Lenny bounced on it, but it didn’t play any music like the one at the Hotel Pfister.
“Sir!” A nearby sales clerk rushed over. “I must ask you not to jump on the furniture!”
Lenny hung his head. “Sorry.” Turning to Squiggy, he whispered, “How does he expect us to test ‘em out?”
Hands planted on hips, Squiggy frowned. “None of these is right for us. Let’s keep lookin’.”
They bypassed the beds with frilly skirts, as well as the ones labeled Mid Century Modern. They had just about given up hope when Lenny grabbed Squiggy by the arm and pointed.
“Yeah, now that’s more like it. Where’s that snooty sales guy? Hey, we’re ready to buy!”
*
It was a few days later, and Lenny and Squiggy were prepared to unveil their new apartment. Laverne cautiously came in, half expecting something to spring out at her. As it was an identical floorplan to hers, nothing was too surprising. The only furniture in their vastly larger living room was the same old beat up chair, assorted mismatched kitchen chairs, and the folding card table they’d had at their old place.
“You guys might want to get some more furniture. At least a couch.”
“We are accepting apartment warming gifts,” Lenny said, with a hopeful smile.
“Yeah, I was thinking more of a potted plant or a used toaster.
“Ooh, a toaster!”
Laverne glanced around. “I thought this was a party.”
Squiggy gave her a curious look. “It is.”
“So, where are all the guests?”
“You’re already here,” Lenny pointed out, as if stating the obvious.
“Oh. Well. That’s nice. Guess I’ll be running along now.”
“No, Laverne!” The boys rushed at her, each grabbing an arm. “You have to come up and see our piece of residence.”
“We took your advice,” added Lenny.
They half dragged Laverne up the stairs and into the bedroom.
“Ta da!”
Laverne blinked. “Uh, fellas…”
“What do you think?”
“It’s… a bunk bed.”
“Yeah, but check this out.” Squiggy went over and sat on his new mattress. It was definitely bigger than his old one. He patted the space next to him invitingly. “Wanna test it out?”
“Uh, no thanks. I’ll pass.”
“Laverne! Laverne!” Lenny bounced excitedly. “Look! It’s got a ladder and everything!” He scurried up it and flopped down on his upper bunk. It was then that Laverne noticed the top bed was considerably smaller than the bottom one. Lenny’s feet hung off one end, while his arm dangled precariously over the side. Squiggy lay back on his expanse of a mattress with a contented sigh.
“Isn’t it great?” Lenny grinned down at her.
Laverne shook her head. “You know what? For you two, it’s perfect.”
*