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Sherlock: I don’t particularly want to be recording this, but Watson would be rather upset if I didn’t so, here we are. Recording the search. He’s been missing 37 hours already. Lestrade believes she is helping by looking into an old army acquaintance that is also missing but that’s clearly a coincidence and thus, unimportant. She disagreed, loudly, and we are now working different avenues. Mine of course, is the correct one. …Watson is the one missing, if I didn’t make that clear enough.
[long, several minute pause, ambient pub noises]
Sherlock: hm. A Guinness pint at the regular table. How… pointed.
Bartender: oi, Sherlock?
Sherlock: hm?
Bartender: message from John for you? Dunno why he didn’t just text you.
Sherlock: (intensely) did you see him?
Bartender: …what? Ah, no, it was here when I got on shift.
Sherlock: when was that? No, never mind, you’ve clearly only just arrived a few minutes before me. It was on the table, with that pint.
Bartender: yes… is… is everything alright, mate? You seem particularly… you, tonight.
Sherlock: I need to see your cameras.
Bartender: is John coming then? It’s just you’re a little…. Well, I mean, when he’s here you’re… hang on, you’re never here when he’s not here, that’s why this is so weird.
Sherlock: [impatiently] cameras.
Bartender: …right, come on back. I’ll get it- oh, you’re just logging right on now. Who um, who gave you the login?
Sherlock: no one, I worked it out ages ago. Here we are. The man came in two minutes before your shift, ordered a Guinness, left it and the note and was out again before you were out of the back.
Bartender: ‘the man’ not John?
Sherlock: clearly not. He’s a half inch shorter and ten pounds heavier.
Bartender: right… (fainter) oh you’re just leaving then, alright
[twenty minutes of background noise from the Tube]
[ambient sounds of London streets, and Sherlock’s footsteps, occasional sounds of Sherlock texting]
[a knock on a door]
[a louder knock]
[a longer, even louder knock]
(Door creaks open)
Man: what the hell do you- hey!
Sherlock: you’re in my way, excuse me
Man: where the hell do you get off, shoving your way in here! Hey! Unlock these cuffs and get away from there!
Sherlock: here, specifically? (Opens an especially creaky door)
[sounds of some scuffling]
[sounds of Sherlock moving slowly down the stairs]
Sherlock: ah, let me get that out of your mouth, good lord, that is disgusting…
John: (raspy) behind you! Where did you get that walking stick? (Gags a little)
Sherlock: borrowed it from the umbrella rack at the front door (sounds of someone getting hit with the walking stick)
John: oh god, where the hell did he get that cloth from (gags again) oh I’m never gonna get that taste out of my mouth- Sherlock, mate, that’s enough
Sherlock: by my count, he’s owed at least two more injuries.
John: Sherlock.
Sherlock: Broken wrist, gash to the back of the head, bruised ribs, wrenched knee. Did I miss anything?
John: no. No you didn’t. Now leave him alone and get me out of these cuffs, eh? Please.
Sherlock: if you insist. (Sounds of body dropping, handcuffs releasing and falling)
John: thanks
Sherlock: can you stand on your own?
John: Yup. Yes. Yup. (Deep sigh) nope, absolutely not.
Sherlock: Here, put your good arm here then, and then I’ll just… (both grunt) there we are. Are you sure you don’t want me to…
John: No I do not, what I want is to be out of this basement, out of these clothes, and into my bed
Sherlock: after a stop at the hospital. Up the stairs we go
John: I really can manage-
Sherlock: to do x-rays yourself? Wait, we could get an x-ray machine…
John: absolutely not, go hail a cab
Sherlock: (cheerfully) no need, Lestrade said she would bring an ambulance.
Lestrade: Sherlock? Doctor Watson?
Sherlock: We’re coming up the stairs now, give us a moment
Lestrade: right. Oh, John, I’m glad to see you in one piece.
John: same, thank you. There’s one guy downstairs, three more up here somewhere. (Sounds of officers heading down the stairs)
Sherlock: (sharply) three?
John: two were in and out
Lestrade: can you give us descriptions?
John: yep.
Sherlock: you’ll find they are all under the employment of Mr John Clay in some form or another.
John: that arsehole is behind this? Doesn’t that just figure.
Sherlock: (pleased) he really didn’t like what you said at his press conference
John: Oh then he’s really not going to like what I have to say about him next
Lestrade: the paramedics are pulling up now, why don’t you go get seen to? Then I’ll come get your statement, you’re looking a little…
John: I’m really-
Sherlock: they’ll need to document it for the record, as well
John: oh all right, fine.
Sherlock: your phone is somewhere in the Thames, I haven’t had a chance to do the exact calculations on where, but your replacement phone should be here soon. I’ve been keeping Mrs Hudson up to date.
John: Is Mariana alright?
Sherlock: concerned but she has been perfectly safe at Baker Street with Archie.
John: good.
Sherlock: ah, and here is your microphone back.
John: (delighted) were you recording all this? Aw, thanks, mate! But uh, seriously. Thank you. For everything.
Sherlock: thanks are entirely unnecessary. Had I not been delayed back from Paris, I would have been here significantly sooner. The message in WhatsApp that you’d arrived safely for the game was clearly made under duress, but it took a while for Mrs Hudson and I to get the police on board that there was actually foul play.
John: wait, when did you get back in London?
Sherlock: forty minutes ago.
John: forty minutes?
Sherlock: hm, 43 precisely
John: you found me in what… 35 minutes?
Sherlock: yes? Ah, here are the paramedics
John: 35 minutes. you are absolutely brilliant, mate. No, seriously, I mean that.
Sherlock: yes, well (coughs) do you want me to stay while they look you over?
{John: yeah, we’re not going to be able to use this for a podcast episode …it’s not long enough, for one thing, once I cut out all the travel
Sherlock: probably not, no
John: I appreciate you recording it though! And you know, the actual getting me the hell out of that basement.
Sherlock: you’re welcome
John: maybe we can save it for a patron bonus or something
Sherlock: I suppose?}
Extra Extra Bonus Content: The Even Longer Cut
John: I’m all right, looks like Lestrade is waving you over- oh, take the microphone?
Paramedic: sir, if you could sit here?
Sherlock: if you insist. I won’t be far. (Rustling sounds, Sherlock walking) Lestrade?
Lestrade: sorry, didn’t mean to pull you away. I got names from the man in the basement. He was… surprisingly eager to talk.
Sherlock: hm, was he now? What were they?
Lestrade: no, I think I would prefer to talk to them first while they don’t need pain killers.
Sherlock: I have no idea what you mean.
Lestrade: I’m sure you don’t. But with that, John can come give his statement tomorrow if he wants. Do you want me to leave a couple officers around Baker Street?
Sherlock: no, that won’t be necessary, I don’t believe they would be idiotic enough to try something like this again.
Lestrade: mm. Let me know if you change your mind.
Sherlock: we won’t, good day!
John: (fading in) can I just take a cab in, I really don’t need the full ambulance ride, I don’t feel that bad.
Paramedic: that’s fine, your choice mate, your friend will see that you get there?
Sherlock: yes I will, thank you. How are you doing, Doctor?
John: well, these two lovely people gave me some very nice medication to take the edge off for a little bit, so I am going to be very, very silly shortly. Or sleepy. Probably silly. uh. Sorry in advance for whatever comes out of my mouth for the next couple hours.
Sherlock: Ah, there’s Mrs Hudson with the cab. Come along.
John: you are so much shorter than me, is this weird, me using you for a crutch? Wait I think I got that backward…
Sherlock: it’s fine, I see the drugs are starting to kick in
John: what makes you say that- Mariana! Hi! Hello! You look very … pink today!
Mariana: (stifled laughter) very glad to see you, John, that’s a …very enthusiastic greeting
Sherlock: (under his breath) painkillers (louder) in we go, watch your head. …and your knee. Hm you really aren’t feeling any pain right now, are you?
John: Nope. Later!
Sherlock: right. Nearest hospital, driver
Driver: St Barts, then
Mariana: is that good, John? …John?
John: (snores)
Sherlock: that’s less embarrassing than silly, I suppose
Mariana: ah, well, I think he’s drooling on my shoulder
Sherlock: if you get us there faster, your tip will be enormous.
Driver: buckle up
Mariana: ooooh god, I’m just… not going to look up, let me know when we’re there, Sherlock
Sherlock: you’ll be aware, but yes
(Several minutes of snoring, horn blasts, occasional swearing from the driver, Mariana muttering under her breath in Spanish)
(Tires squeal, car stops)
Sherlock: …we’re here
Driver: that fast enough?
Mariana: John? Time to wake up
Sherlock: yes, here you are
John: mm five mor’minutes
Driver: (whistles) any time you ever need a ride again, sir, just let me know
Mariana: sorry, no snooze button today
Sherlock: excellent, I’ll do that.
John: don’t wanna go to school
(Car door opens)
Sherlock: here, slide him this way- oof. The last time we did this, he was able to take most of his own weigh
John: you callin’ me fat?
Sherlock: no, but I was prepared for silly, not sleepy, put a little weight on your good leg, there’s a chap
John: fiiiiine
(Sliding doors opening)
Mariana: I brought a bag for him, wasn’t sure if they’d actual admit him or anything, but i figured he’d want a change of clothes (car door closes)
John: you’r’the best
Sherlock: sit here, I’ll go get you checked in with the receptionist
Mariana: should they have given you something before that head wound got looked at?
John: not con… concussed. Know how it feels. Think this is the sleepy painkillers, not the silly ones. Too bad. Can’t have too many of the silly ones any more though
Mariana: hand me the microphone? I should probably pause that before you talk private medical details with the doctor, eh?
John: but I’m the doct-
[microphone shuts off]
[microphone turns on]
Mariana: cab is on the way, how are we doing?
John: me and my own bed have a date for the next 16 hours
Mariana: well, you’re sounding more like yourself
Sherlock: I’ll meet you two back at the flat
Mariana: and where are you off to at this time of night?
Sherlock: wrapping something up for Lestrade.
John: take the microphone?
Sherlock: mm. Not this time. Better if there’s not a record of anything
John: Sherlock.
Sherlock: there’s your cab, don’t wait up! Back by morning! (Footsteps receding rapidly)
John: (sighs)
[microphone turns off]
[microphone turns on]
Mariana: he’s still not back yet?
John: well, he never said what time in the morning, so I’m trying not to worry yet
Sherlock: morning, all!
John: ah, there you are, everything good?
Sherlock: Everything is very good indeed. Your two other friends from yesterday are in custody and I believe Mr Clay has seen the error of his ways. Off to bed now, good night
John: wha- uh. Good night? Sherlock, I want those details later!