The Most Outrageous Lies

by GlitterSkullFairy

Summary:

"This thing between us is like a Cardassian novel. The ending is inevitable. But that doesn't count as a spoiler, because the fun part is seeing how we get there."

Julian has never been good at emotions, but Garak confuses him more than most. Figuring out their friendship is hard enough, but when he starts to imagine a more romantic association, it gets even more complicated.

Set concurrently with the final season and beyond.

Notes:

I recently binged all of DS9 as I hadn't watched it properly the first time around and I was not expecting all the feelings.

I also saw a version in which Bashir and Garak's goodbye scene was cut, and only found out it existed after I'd started writing the fix it. Needless to say, I felt cheated.

Endless thanks to my Beta Vulvadon for working all the way through this.

Losing Jadzia was hard, but knowing Ezri is going to stay means a part of her is still with them. Julian holds onto that, letting it temper his grief. There's been so much loss, so much death that in order not to get overwhelmed he's compartmentalising everything just to keep functioning. It's easier when all the feelings are locked away. But losing her has brought home just how fragile life is, and it makes him want to make the most of all the connections in his life.

He sees Garak at the buffet table during the welcome party. The distance has been growing between them for a while, and it's been harder to ignore in the last few days. But he keeps thinking about how close they used to be, and wonders if it's possible to get that back. He steps up behind him. "You're avoiding me."

Garak barely looks up. "I am?"

"Every time I get close to you, you run away."

"I've been busy." He adds a slice of fruit to his plate.

Julian sighs. It's not like he was expecting Garak to give him a straight answer, but he's not sure if he's got it in him to go through their whole dance routine tonight. "So busy that you've worked yourself into a mental health crisis. I'm concerned."

"Are you speaking as a doctor or as my friend?"

"I don't know. Somewhere along the way I feel like our friendship has atrophied."

"Yes, well." At last Garak turns around and looks at him. His face doesn't give away any emotion. "War has a tendency to do that."

"So you're blaming the war? Garak, are you ever going to be honest with me?"

He scoffs. "Really, Doctor, you're asking me about honesty?"

There's a hint of anger in that, though it's delivered with a smile. It infuriates Julian because it's so hypocritical. "That's it, isn't it? That's what this is all about? I would have thought my ability to keep a secret would have impressed you. Does it hurt your pride that you didn't spot it, or are you just disappointed I'm not the naive little plaything you wanted me to be?"

"Or maybe I'm of no interest to you anymore, now that I'm no longer the mysterious enigma for you to crack." There's an edge of hurt in his voice. This isn't going well.

"Garak-"

"It's fine." He turns back to the buffet table and starts selecting more food. "Relationships change. People grow apart. We've all been through quite the ordeal and we can't expect to come out of it the same as we went in."

"That's not-"

"Perhaps it's best that we've moved on."

Julian can feel the conversation getting away from him and he's not ready to let it go. He does something bold. He grabs Garak's arm. "No, it isn't. If there's one thing I'm taking from all this, it's that friendships matter."

Garak stares hard. "You've got a peculiar way of showing it."

Julian knows what he's talking about. He stood there like a soulless statue in the infirmary, watching his friend fall apart. He kept it professional because if he let himself feel there was a good chance he'd fall apart too. "I know. I'm sorry. Meet me for lunch tomorrow?"

"What?"

That look of surprise is enough to make him smile again. "Lunch. Tomorrow. Like we used to. I want to do better."

Garak's eyes soften, just a touch. "Should I bring some new reading material?"

"Only if it's a comedy."

*

Julian waits for half an hour in the replimat, then another ten minutes debating whether or not to head over to Garak's shop. On the one hand, it's going to be highly awkward if he confronts Garak after being stood up. On the other hand, he can't give up on rekindling their friendship just because he's worried about a bit of embarrassment. Besides, what if there's something actually wrong? What if he's sitting there having another panic attack?

It's not far. He finds Garak crouched in front of his dress dummy adjusting a hem.

"Oh good. So you're not dead, then?" That came out more confrontational than intended.

"Goodness, is that the time?"

"It was that time almost an hour ago."

"I'm afraid I got rather caught up in my work."

"Wow. You really are slipping. I expected a better thought out lie than that."

Garak sighs. "It's not that I didn't want to see you."

"That's a better start."

"If you're not going to believe me either way, what's the point?"

Julian takes a step closer. "The point is to at least give me the impression that my feelings mean something to you. Is it worth trying to reschedule or will you just stand me up again?"

There's a dreadful pause and for a minute he thinks Garak's going to say no. But then he puts down his tool and his voice comes out uncharacteristically small and fragile.

"Next week. I just need a bit more time."

Julian doesn't press further. It's the most open Garak's been in months, and it's something he's happy to give. "Okay. Next week, then."

Except when next week comes around, a ship limps into dock that's barely escaped a battle with the Jem'Hadar with a dozen casualties that need urgent care. And the week after that Garak is swamped trying to decode a large packet of Cardassian files the Federation have intercepted.

They reschedule again, and this time manage to sit at a table and exchange a few awkward words before Julian's called back to the infirmary for an emergency surgery. He confirms he's on his way and exhales loudly. "I'm starting to think we're actually doomed."

"It's worth trying, though, isn't it?" Garak asks, and although his smile says he's teasing, his voice has the tiniest quiver that betrays how important this is.

"Yes. Absolutely," Julian says without hesitation. "We might need to reconsider our tactics, however. How about next time, we try for drinks at Quark's?"

"Quark's it is."

*

Quark's is a bust. Ezri is already there with Kira, and they insist that Julian joins them. He's about to say that he's meeting someone, but realises that makes it sound like a date, which would raise a lot of questions the minute Garak walks in. He arrives a few minutes later, doing his best to hide his disappointment at finding Julian already occupied. Admittedly, his best is good enough to fool almost everyone, but Julian has spent so long watching and listening to him, that he can sometimes recognise the act when he sees it.

They chat together for a while, mostly gossip. One of the nurses is dating someone from engineering and someone else from security and not being particularly discreet about it. Garak laughs and says he saw the man from security walking arm in arm along the promenade with both the nurse and the engineer and they all need a better source of information. Ezri tries to press him into service but he claims he's already working two jobs and doesn't need a third. Things seem to be settling down fairly well, but then Miles walks in red faced and huffing with frustration. He starts ranting something about inverted self-sealing stem bolts and the incompetency of his newest trainee, and Julian takes him aside for a game of darts to calm him down. By the time they get back, it's getting more crowded and Garak is finding it more difficult to hide his discomfort. He finishes his drink and begs to be excused.

"I'll walk with you," Julian offers.

"That's alright, doctor, I'm sure I'll manage. You carry on with your friends."

"No, it's fine. I've got an early shift tomorrow too."

Garak eyes him, as if he suspects the lie. "Very well. Just as far as the habitat ring. I won't keep you up."

They walk to the lift in silence, and it's only broken when Julian tells the computer their destination. "I'm sorry. They were already there and asked me to join them. I wasn't sure what to do."

Garak stares at the ceiling. "You could have told them the truth. Oh no, I'd forgotten, that's not something you do, is it?"

"I kept one secret, Garak. One very important secret that could have destroyed my life."

"Very important indeed. You hid who you truly were. And you did it remarkably well, I might add."

"Right. Because your whole 'I'm a simple tailor' routine was completely honest."

"The difference is, you knew that was a lie," he snaps. "And that I let it go when it was necessary." His eyes start darting around. This probably wasn't the best place for a difficult conversation.

"Deep breath, Garak," Julian says in his most calming voice. The doors open and Garak lurches out and leans on the bulkhead.

"Apologies," he says quietly, inhaling and exhaling slowly, fighting for control. "I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

"Clearly I'm missing something. I thought you were doing better? I thought Ezri was helping."

"She's a sweet child who thinks she knows more than she does. I told her it's because my father used to lock me in a cupboard, and it fit her theory, so she accepted it as the truth."

"So you're bluffing your way through therapy. That's not going to make things easier for you. If you don't get to the bottom of where this comes from, how do you expect to deal with it?"

"I know exactly where it comes from. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I just have to learn to keep it under control."

"And if I ask, would you give me an honest answer?"

"It's unlikely."

"Garak, where does this fear come from?"

He sighs. "Maybe it was the interrogation cells. Or perhaps I was captured and tortured at some point. Or maybe when I was on Romulus I accidentally locked myself in the tool shed."

Julian nods, not discounting any of the lies but holding them in reserve. There may be grains of truth in them somewhere, clues that will reveal themselves as part of a larger pattern later on. "Okay. But if you do want to talk about it, truthfully or with metaphors and obfuscations, I'm here for you."

"Are you? Because right now it feels like the universe is plotting to keep you away from me."

"You're right. It's definitely the universe and not anything else. I just wish we could go back to where we were."

"As do I. Even if it was only an illusion."

"It was never an illusion."

"It was based on a lie." Garak finally looks at him, and he looks back.

"Yes. My whole life was a lie. It had to be, or I would lose everything. I had to constantly pretend to be something I wasn't, and I felt guilty whenever I got close to someone. I had to keep all my relationships casual. And then you were there, lying as easily as breathing, making it feel like the truth was some ethereal, irrelevant abstract. You were a simple tailor, and I was just a doctor who studied hard. I still couldn't be my true self around you, but I knew you were wearing a carefully constructed costume of your own. And for the first time since I could remember, the lie felt comfortable."

Garak takes a moment to absorb the confession, but he seems to accept it. "We've both been through a lot since then. I don't intend to give up on our friendship, Julian, but I think we both need to adjust our expectations on what that looks like."

"I think I can work with that. I know the war is placing higher demands on both our schedules. How about we set an appointment for lunch once a month, and promise to let each other know if anything comes up that means we can't make it?"

"Good. That is an acceptable plan. Now, if you don't mind, there's a bottle of kanar in my quarters that's calling my name."

"Please tell me you're not self-medicating again."

"I'm not self-medicating again."

Julian cocks his head.

"I'm not. I occasionally partake to help me sleep, that's all."

"If it's a sleep aid you need, pop by the infirmary and I'll prescribe you something that won't destroy your liver in the long run."

"Very well. Goodnight, my dear doctor."

"Goodnight, Garak."

*

Five days later Garak comes to the infirmary. Julian asks the standard questions, and Garak looks him in the eye and gives the required answers, and even though he knows he's bluffing somewhere he can't tell where, exactly, and gives him the prescription anyway.

They both manage to attend their next lunch date, though they keep the conversation light, Garak skillfully deflecting any attempts to move onto deeper topics. Julian has no objections to that. It feels more like old times. They both know that the universe is slowly circling the drain, that they're both strained beyond what's comfortable, but for that hour they can pretend that none of that is happening and just relax and enjoy each other's company.

They manage the next two as well, and Julian finds he's actually looking forward to each one. A little oasis where the constant dread vanishes for a while. The holosuite is a good escape, but it never feels like real life, which is kind of the point. Garak helps him feel like everything might just be all right eventually. The fact that it's only once a month makes it precious time, and he starts to make sure his schedule is always clear and that there are other doctors on call in case of emergency.

Then one month, Garak sends word that a new batch of intelligence has come through and he needs to cancel. Julian feels his stomach drop in disappointment. Still, there's nothing to be done. He gets through the rest of the day on autopilot, feeling detached from the people around him. It's not a good sign. He decides to stop at the bar on the way back to his quarters to get a bite to eat and try and cheer himself up, but as he passes the tailor's shop he sees a light on inside.

The door isn't closed, so he wanders in. There's a repetitive thumping sound. "Garak?"

There's no answer. The thumping stops. He finds him hiding behind the counter, a pad held limply in his hand. Julian reaches for his tricorder only to realise it's still at work. Okay, so he'll have to do this the old fashioned way. He kneels beside him.

"Garak, I'm going to take your pulse." He takes the pad from his hand and puts it on the floor beside them, then places two fingers on Garak's wrist. It takes a bit of feeling to find it, and he doesn't need to count to know that it's elevated. Garak keeps staring straight ahead, but with the gentle touch his breathing starts to even out. Julian lets his fingers rest where they are. "It's okay. You're through the worst of it, now. Keep breathing as slowly and deeply as you can."

He takes deep breaths himself, acting as a metronome and gradually Garak falls into the same pattern and his pulse returns to an acceptable level.

Julian slides his fingers away and Garak chases them, grasping his hand. "Don't go."

"I'll stay as long as you need me."

Garak closes his eyes and leans his head back, inhaling and exhaling again. "I thought it was getting easier."

"Did you really? Or were you just trying to make yourself believe it?"

"My head hurts. Can you prod me with a hypospray and make it go away?"

"Let's start with some water. Did you bump it?"

"I fell. I may have knocked it on the way down."

Julian doesn't argue with the obvious lie. The rhythmic thumping he heard was a deliberate action, not an accident. "May I take a look?"

Garak leans forward. There's no blood, but he winces when Julian gently feels the back of his head.

"Well, Cardassian heads aren't quite as hard as Klingons', but it doesn't feel like anything more than a little bruising. I'd like to run a scan to be on the safe side."

"I don't want to go to the infirmary."

"I've got a spare tricorder in my quarters. We can get you hydrated, and something for the pain if you need it."

"I haven't finished my work." He looks towards the pad. It's filled with Cardassian script.

"They'll have to manage with what you've got. And I'm going to speak to Captain Sisko about getting you a break, or at least some support. This is clearly a trigger for you."

"What about patient confidentiality?"

"I won't tell him anything specific. Just that, in my medical opinion, a break is necessary."

"But the war-"

"The Federation has plenty of intelligence agents, and while they might not have all of your skills, they'll do better than you can when you're in this condition. Think of it as short term versus long term gain. The more you stretch yourself, the less effective you'll be. Now, stand up slowly, and let me know if you get any nausea or dizziness. They could be symptoms."

Garak reaches up to grab the edge of the counter and rises carefully to his feet, with a sigh. "I'm fine. A little light headed, perhaps, but nothing to worry about."

Julian picks up the pad and walks beside him towards the entrance. Garak sets the locking mechanism. "We're going to have to get in that damned lift again."

"I'll do my best to distract you."

"I look forward to it."

They walk quietly. When they get to the lift, he takes a deep breath and steps inside.

"Habitat ring," Julian says as the doors close. "You know, I might recommend you for more than a break. I think you've earned some shore leave."

"Really? And where would I spend this little holiday? I can't exactly pop home to visit my family. And I don't think it would be prudent for me to visit Bajor, either."

"I was thinking more like Risa. Somewhere with no pressure, with big open spaces where you can just relax."

Garak scoffs. "I've heard of Risa. I think it's more suited to someone of your appetites than mine."

"My appetites?"

"How shall I put this delicately? You have an eye for beauty and a certain amount of affection that you're happy to share with a wide variety of individuals. Not that I think there's anything wrong with that. You obviously gain a great deal of pleasure and a certain level of meaning from it. I have less interest in such dalliances."

"Well," Julian chuckles, "that's a very polite way of saying you think I'm promiscuous. You know, I've always wondered if your almost celibate lifestyle was out of choice or circumstance."

"My good doctor, are you insinuating that nobody would think of dating an outcast member of an oppressive regime? Or that I have some personal qualities that make me undesirable? Because you might be surprised to hear that I've had offers. I just don't feel obligated to accept the majority of them."

"It doesn't surprise me at all. You're a very charming man. But that kind of intimacy can involve a level of vulnerability that you might be reluctant to risk."

The doors open and they get out.

"Besides, there's a lot more to Risa than Jamaharon. Art, culture, music. They celebrate all of the joys of life."

"And how would I get there? How many hours would I be stuck in a runabout?"

"Not so many that I couldn't keep you fully sedated for the journey."

Garak pauses. "You'd come with me?"

Julian stops and turns back to look at him. "Of course. You'd need a medical professional to monitor your progress."

"I see. You're looking for an excuse to get away yourself."

Julian steps closer. "It's warm there. They have an advanced climate control system set at twenty eight degrees all year round. Steam ponds. Sun baked lagoons. You could lie on the hot sand at the beach and bask like a lizard."

Garak's eyes fix on his for a moment, then turn upward. "Tempting. How soon could it be arranged?"

"Well, that's the tricky part," Julian admits. They start walking again. "I'd still have to persuade the Captain to give us leave. Plus I've got this conference on Romulus coming up. Perhaps after that?"

"If it's still safe to travel by then."

"Quite."

"Well, it's a lovely thought. And it managed to keep me distracted enough to survive the turbo lift, for which I'm grateful."

"Is it really that difficult?"

"Not usually. But it does take time to put myself back together fully after a panic attack."

For once, Julian believes him. "Here we are. My quarters. Take a seat, I'll get the tricorder and some water."

Garak sits at one end of the couch and looks around. Julian goes to the replicator first and orders a glass of water without ice then grabs his tricorder from the shelf. He passes the drink to Garak and starts scanning his head. No cracked skull or internal bleeding. "You're going to be fine. How's the pain?"

"I've had worse."

"That's not saying much."

"I'm more concerned with the fact that I still feel shaky."

"Your temperature is a little low. Computer, raise room temperature by three degrees." He goes into the bedroom and comes back with a light blanket which he wraps around Garak's shoulders.

"I feel ridiculous," he complains.

"You look ridiculous," Julian smirks, and sits near him. "Look, I'm not Ezri, but I am your friend. If there's anything you want to talk about…"

Garak sips his water. "I don't know if it's anything I can put into words."

"If it helps, you could make something up. Tell me the most outrageous lies you can think of, and leave me guessing if there's a grain of truth in any of them." He unzips his uniform and shrugs off the jacket.

Garak sighs, pulls the blanket tighter and leans back. "When I was first exiled, there were still several people loyal to me. Some of them even tried to speak in my defence. Tain had them all executed. All but one. This was someone I'd been particularly close to. Not exactly a romantic pairing as there wasn't any room for that in the Order. Too much risk of vulnerability, as you said. But occasionally we'd meet and, well, let off steam. They tried the hardest to change Tain's decision, which of course made him suspicious that there was some kind of connection between us. This person was brutally tortured in an attempt to gain more leverage against me."

"That sounds awful," Julian says.

"Yes, it would have been, if it were true. Of course it didn't go down that way. They knew better than to take my side, and gave whatever information they had to buy favour and gain power. And I don't even blame them for it. That's how we were raised. The Obsidian Order came before everything else."

"Did you really have a lover?"

"No. Not like that, anyway. The only lovers I had were those chosen by the Order so that I could get information from them. Seduction is actually a big part of intelligence gathering, just like in your holosuite stories."

Whether that's a true fact or not is irrelevant. That's not how Garak communicates, but he is communicating nonetheless. "It sounds like a very lonely world to live in."

"That sentiment, at least, is true."

"And you're telling me these stories because you still feel isolated. You're reluctant to make connections in case it puts your friends in danger, or because you fear that they'll betray you."

"Clever boy. We'll make a spy of you, yet."

"No, I'm still missing something. You don't want to talk about your feelings, you want me to work out something specific. Where our friendship went wrong, perhaps?"

"Our friendship has survived in spite of the ordeals we've both been through."

"When we were captured."

Garak stays quiet.

"You told me you'd always been claustrophobic, but that was a lie, too, wasn't it?"

"A necessary one. Or so I believed at the time. We had to get the signal out, one way or another, and I was the only one who could do it. But as the days wore on, the more difficult it became. When they set all the Cardassians free, and I had to go back into the hole… well, you saw how it affected me. It wasn't just the fear of being caught in the act and killed anymore, it was the thought of what was happening with my people. It was the terror of being trapped all alone in there with my own thoughts, my own doubts. And you nursed me through it. Helped me manage my distress as if you truly cared."

"Are you suggesting that I didn't care?"

"Did you?"

"Of course, Garak."

"But not enough to stop it."

"I-"

"Because you could have, couldn't you? You claimed you weren't an engineer, but with your enhanced intelligence you could have easily learned the process from me, possibly even achieved the desired effect more quickly. You watched me torture myself to make sure we had a chance of escape, knowing that you could have taken over at any time, but you didn't because of what it would have cost you when you returned home."

Julian stares at the floor, defeated. "It's true. I could have. I calculated the cost. It would have meant exchanging one prison for another. Being put in an institution like the other genetically enhanced humans was my greatest fear. And I looked at you, and I saw how much you were suffering, and I deemed it an acceptable price for my freedom. At every stage, I analysed your condition and came to the same conclusion. We could fix you when we got back. It would all be fine in the long run. I was lying to myself." He looks back up at Garak. "I am sorry. I made a terrible choice. When I see you like this, I know how wrong it was."

"On the contrary. You did what was right for you. And I understand that, in spite of the lingering effects on me. Still, it helps to hear you admit it."

"I think that's actually the most honest you've ever been with me."

Garak smiles. "It might be the most honest I've been with anyone. But I'm tired. I should get back to my own quarters and get some rest." He leans forward again and drains the glass.

"You don't have to go, you know," Julian says quietly.

"Are you propositioning me, doctor?" Garak says with a twinkle in his eye.

Julian laughs. "Well, no, I was thinking more along the lines of you sleeping on the sofa. At least until you feel sufficiently put back together. Sometimes company is an excellent defence against anxiety."

"I appreciate the offer, but… no. I mean yes. I mean, I'd like to stay. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Oh, we should eat something. It'll have to be replicated, I'm afraid. I've got nothing else in. Besides, I'm a terrible cook."

"I suppose it would make up for our missed lunch appointment. What do humans eat at moments like these?"

"Oh, pizza, definitely. And then ice-cream. No, too cold. Brownies."

So they eat and listen to music, and Julian feels the tension between them melt away. He's lighter after his confession, after what he now realises was a skilled and deliberate interrogation. They're not back to where they were before, but they're somewhere else, somewhere new. Somewhere that fits with who they've both become.

*

The conference turns into espionage. Julian still isn't sure how he feels about that, but he knows it's not good and he does his best to avoid thinking about it. A new project always helps. He has an idea about organ transplants that could save a lot of lives if he can make it work.

Garak comes to him in the infirmary. "I'm afraid I won't be able to join you for lunch for a while," he says.

"I heard." Julian puts the vials aside. "You've got a mission on Cardassia."

"The circumstances are not what I'd call ideal for my return home. I have to ask you a favour, and you're not going to like it."

"You obviously think I might do it anyway, or you wouldn't be here. What is it?"

"It's not going to be an easy mission. There will be a lot of stress and a lot of difficult choices to make, and I'm going to need to hold myself together. I'm hoping you might be able to help me with that."

"You want drugs."

"Medication."

"You're right, I don't like it. You have a history of addiction, your mental health is still delicate and you're headed into occupied territory. Unfortunately, if I say no, there's a good chance you'll go back into crisis which would be disastrous on such a mission and might well get you killed." Julian drags a hand over his face, then goes to a cabinet, unlocks it, and starts taking out pill bottles. "Is the sleep aid you've been using effective?"

"Mostly, yes."

"Good. I'm reluctant to give you anything stronger than that. You'll need to be able to wake up quickly if there's enemy forces nearby." He stares at another bottle and sighs. "This one's a serotonin booster. I'd prefer it if I had time to see how you respond to it before you leave, especially as it's going to mimic the effects of your implant. On the other hand, we know that the serotonin booster from the implant was effective in keeping you stable until it stopped working." He sighs.

"Doctor-"

"Give me a moment. I'm just calculating dosages based on your size and metabolism."

"No you're not. You can do that almost instantaneously. You're balancing the risk of harm if you give them to me against the risk of harm if you don't. And you already know which way it's going to fall."

"Each of these bottles contains a two month supply. One pill a day, plus the sleep aid when necessary. You can double that safely, but only if you're desperate. We don't know how long you'll need the supply to last." He takes another two bottles out of the cabinet.

"Thank you, doctor."

"Just promise me you'll come back and we can get you off this stuff."

Garak looks him in the eye. "I promise." Somehow that feels like the most outrageous lie of all.

*

Days and weeks pass in a blur of fear, exhaustion and increasing desperation. He's waiting for someone to tell him he's going too far, but even Captain Sisko doesn't stop him. As he frantically tries to keep the man he kidnapped alive just so he can get the information he needs, he realises that he's more like Garak than he'd like to admit.

But Miles is there to ground him. His best friend, a constant reminder of what's important in life. Simple, down to earth Miles. And Ezri's there, and she's beautiful and gentle and strong. He's nervous about risking their friendship, but goes for it in the end anyway because maybe it's worth the risk.

Occasionally he wonders if he's falling back into old habits, hiding his true nature and pretending to be what everyone expects him to be because it's just easier.

Then the war ends, and there's a party, and they all relax and start making plans for what's next and it just feels… off.

It's not the same without Garak. He was hoping for a chance to at least say goodbye. He wonders how he's coping with everything. There aren't words for how devastating something like that must be.

But life goes on. He says his goodbyes to Miles, and solves the problem of the Alamo model by persuading Kira that he's earned bigger quarters. She says he can have the O'Brien's entire suite. Neither of them mentions Odo's name, but there's joy as well as sadness in the way she says it and they both know.

He spends two weeks walking past the model, staring at it and having feelings, then decides it's not only taking up too much space in the living area, it's taking up too much space in his head. He carefully moves it piece by piece into Molly's old room. Then he procures a bottle of Irish whisky from Quark and spends an evening getting unbelievably drunk by himself.

The hangover is phenomenal. He was too drunk to even remember to set a glass of water beside the bed. He fights the nausea and stumbles into the living room for his medkit. The hypospray relieves the pain enough that he can make his way to the infirmary and claim a side room where he can dim the lights and replenish his fluids.

After fifteen minutes on a saline drip he's starting to feel better. The door chimes. "It's my day off, I'm not here," he calls out.

"That's the most ridiculous lie I've ever heard, and an insult to both of us," Garak's voice comes through the door.

Julian almost falls off the bed in his haste to get up, detaches the tube from the cannula and rushes to open the door. Then he's suddenly standing in front of his friend again, looking at him, and he's filled with relief and confusion.

"My dear doctor, whatever's happened to you?"

And suddenly Julian remembers that even though he managed to throw on a clean uniform, he hasn't showered or combed his hair and he's still got a needle poking into his arm. "Oh this?" He waves his hand in front of himself. "This is all self-inflicted. What about you? You look…" Exhausted. Thinner. His ridges appear more pronounced and his complexion is a deeper shade of grey. Or maybe that's just the dim lighting. "It's good to see you again."

"I know. I probably look as awful as you do. It's been… difficult."

"Come on in. Sit down. We can share the saline solution."

Garak tilts his head. "Now there's an offer I wasn't expecting. Do you think it'll help?"

"Hydration always helps. Here." Julian pats the bed and Garak sits down. "Pull up a sleeve and show me a vein." He takes the spare needle he picked up in case he dropped the first one on the floor.

"This feels somewhat archaic." Garak rolls his sleeve up anyway and watches Julian set him up with a bag and tube before reattaching his own.

"A hypospray can't deliver a steady stream of fluids over time, which is the best cure for a hangover and the second best cure for surviving on a planet with limited resources and insufficient healthcare."

"What's the best cure for that kind of deprivation?"

"Lunch. But I'm not going to the replimat until I'm feeling less nauseous."

"Julian?"

"Yes Garak?"

"Are you by any chance still a bit drunk?"

"Let's see. Roughly fifty centilitres at forty percent… yes, there's definitely still alcohol in my system. I'm not doing that again any time soon. But you didn't come all this way to talk about my drinking habits."

Garak stares down at his hands. "My medication ran out."

"You've been double dosing, then?"

"I was for a while. We had to hide out in a basement."

"I heard. I did wonder how you were coping with everything, but getting any kind of message through-"

"I know. Everything is broken. There are channels, but they're reserved for official communications, and though I have used couriers on occasion, they're unreliable."

"How long ago did you run out? It's best to taper off with these things rather than stop suddenly."

"I managed to get back down to one a day. The transport I planned to catch was delayed, and I took my last dose before we left. I'm certainly feeling it. I spent most of the journey in the empty cargo hold as it was the largest space on the ship."

"Anxiety? Intrusive thoughts?"

"Yes to both. Luckily I've got a great deal of self discipline, so I didn't act on any impulses. Then there's the headaches and the nausea. But it's nothing compared to when my implant failed."

Julian twists the valve on his own tube and detaches it again. "I'll get another bottle and we can start weaning you off gradually. How would you feel about staying here for a few weeks so I can monitor you?"

"In the infirmary?"

"Oh, no, that would be awful. I've got new quarters. A spare room. If you don't mind sharing with a few hundred tiny toy soldiers."

Garak sighs. "A break would be beneficial."

"Good. I'll be right back."

Julian successfully manages to avoid the rest of the staff and any awkward conversations while he picks up the medication. Garak all but grabs the bottle from his hand and immediately downs one of the pills without water.

He closes his eyes and breathes deeply. "I know the effects aren't instantaneous, but that feels better already."

"If part of your stress has been about running out and wondering how you'll cope without them, then having them in your hand will be reassuring in itself."

"Thank you, doctor."

"Like I said before, whatever I can do. I bear a certain amount of responsibility for this after all." Julian resumes his seat and hooks himself back up. "How has it been?"

"Well, I haven't had to worry about being cold for a while. And sometimes I see a flower growing up through the rubble. So it's not all bad."

"Garak…"

"What do you want me to say? It's been a month and we're still finding bodies. We've got replicators running around the clock, but there are still fights breaking out among the survivors over food. Everyone left alive has lost friends and family. We're trying to re-establish some kind of infrastructure, but it's not just the people we've lost, it's the skills and the knowledge. We're having to beg for aid. And it's not going to get better any time soon."

"It sounds like a nightmare."

"It's even worse than it sounds. But it's my home. My people. So I take my pills and I smile and I lie and keep telling everyone that it's going to be alright."

"You're doing the right thing. Hope is a powerful tool. And so is community."

"They'll have to manage without me for a while. It's not like there's much need for my particular set of skills at this point anyway."

"What, you mean nobody needs their formal wear adjusted?" He says it with such mock sincerity that Garak actually chuckles.

"I've missed you."

*

After another thirty minutes Julian says he's ready for lunch. Garak admits he's feeling better too, though it's been a long journey and perhaps they better both freshen up before they go to the replimat.

"I still smell of alcohol, don't I?" Julian says.

"It's not too offensive. But if you're serious about playing host, I would very much appreciate a properly working shower."

"Of course."

While Garak gets clean, Julian checks through his messages. It's mostly patient updates and reports, but there's one from Ezri asking him to call when he's up, so he taps his communicator.

"Hi, sweetheart, you sleep in?" she answers.

"For a while. I drank too much last night and I've been recovering. I only just saw your message. Anything important?"

"Not really. I just wanted to hear your voice. You had a hangover?" She sounds surprised and concerned.

"I know, you'd think as a medical professional I'd know better than to poison myself. But I missed Miles, and Quark managed to find me a bottle of Irish whisky. And it went down a little too smooth."

"You're an idiot," she says playfully.

"Yes, I am. And bearing that in mind…"

"What else have you done?"

"I thought I better warn you that I've got an unexpected house guest. Garak's visiting the station and I said he could stay in the spare room."

"That's good for you," she agrees. "Especially if you're feeling lonely."

"I'm not lonely when I'm with you," he counters.

"I know, but there's a difference between friends and girlfriends, right? I didn't get on very well with Sparta. Maybe the two of you will have better luck. On second thought maybe not."

"True. I don't think a doomed adventure is something he needs right now. We'll be going with more of a quiet relaxation theme."

"That's probably for the best. I can't even imagine how hard things must be on Cardassia right now. I've got space in my schedule if he wants to book in a session or two."

"Thank you, I'll let him know. Unfortunately I might need to postpone our date tonight."

"Completely understandable. Look, I've got to get ready for a meeting, can we catch up later?"

"Of course. I'll see you soon."

"You too. Dax out."

Garak comes back in looking much brighter and relaxed. The medication seems to be having a good effect. "Did I hear something about you cancelling a date? Because there's no need for you to change plans on my account."

"Ezri and I are seeing each other."

His eyes widen. "Really?"

"You don't approve."

"No, it's not that, it's just last time I saw her she still seemed to be finding her feet. Did you rush in and sweep her off them?"

"It wasn't exactly rushed. And yes, there's a bit of an age gap, but I'm still not sure if she's a few years younger or ten times older."

"Do you love her?"

"I think so."

"Oh dear."

"What?"

"Did you never hear the Klingon express his love for Jadzia? It might not have been Ezri, but she remembers that kind of passion. You've got a lot to compete with."

"It's not a competition. It's just us, who we are together. And we don't lack anything when it comes to passion."

Garak scoffs. "There's more to passion than an enthusiastic coupling. You need someone who makes you feel truly alive every moment that you're with them."

"Very poetic. I'm not sure such a thing even exists."

"I think Worf would disagree."

"Have you ever felt a passion like that?"

"My life has been very isolated. But who knows what the future may hold?"

"Well, my immediate future holds a shower. If you're hungry, feel free to use the replicator."

Julian takes a little longer than usual in the shower, letting the vibrations relax his body and fully clear the remnants of his hangover. As it's his day off, he decides to forgo his uniform in favour of a comfortable sweater and then makes sure his hair is all going in the right direction.

Garak copes with the turbo lift with barely more than an eye flicker. The conversation over lunch is light and pleasant, but he doesn't eat much of his soup and roll. Julian waits, and when it's clear he's not going to finish it, brings it up.

"Loss of appetite? How long has that been going on?" He makes it sound like a medical enquiry because Garak seems to answer those more directly.

"A couple of months."

"You've lost weight."

He gives a hard stare. "Yes."

"Ezri said she's got availability if you want to talk."

"That's kind of her, but I don't think it will be necessary."

"You really don't like her, do you?"

"She came into my shop asking a lot of very personal questions, at a point when I was vulnerable. She made me very uncomfortable. She used me to try to prove to herself that she belonged here."

"If you felt so strongly about it, then why did you come to her party?"

"Because I didn't want her to know how I felt. I didn't want her to think she'd won."

"And now you want me to break up with her?"

Garak pokes at the remains of his soup. "I didn't say that."

"No, but you're never this forthright about anything so personal, which means that you've got an ulterior motive."

"Far be it from me to tell you how to live your life. I believe that you can do better for yourself, that's all."

"It's good. What we have together is good, and it makes me happy, and that should be all that matters." He sighs and gets up. "We're going to the infirmary."

"Now? Why?"

"Because you're not eating properly and you've lost weight and I need to find out exactly what nutrients your body is missing so I can start you on supplements."

*
Garak is oddly submissive to his medical exam. "You've got a few vitamin deficiencies and your iron levels are very low," Julian tells him. "You might need to get the replicator programming checked if it's not producing nutritionally balanced food."

"They've been malfunctioning, which isn't surprising given how much they're getting used. There is actually one engineer where I've been working, but she's young and doesn't have much experience."

"And your doctor hasn't noticed that you're deteriorating?"

"You're my doctor."

"So you're avoiding medical treatment as well?"

He gets another hard stare. "There isn't any medical treatment. There aren't any doctors. There aren't any hospitals. We have a couple of nurses who are working valiantly to keep on top of the worst of the sickness, but as there isn't much in the way of supplies or equipment. It's yet another losing battle."

There's a burning heat in his chest and his skin starts prickling. A part of him wants to start packing and volunteer his services immediately, but he also knows it's not something he can leap into unprepared.

He realises that he hasn't said anything and he probably should. "I will speak to Kira, and to Starfleet, and find out exactly what's happening with the relief efforts. Your people sacrificed a great deal to help win the war, and for us to ignore you in your time of need is unconscionable."

"I'm not sure how much difference it'll make, but all efforts are appreciated. Thank you, doctor."

He's suspicious of Garak's use of that particular title at this point. His friend hasn't just made this visit to obtain more medication, he does indeed have ulterior motives. That's why he's trying to undermine Ezri, too, because it's a relationship that stands in the way of what he really wants. And what he really wants is to manipulate Julian into going back with him, and not just for his medical expertise. Garak knows that he'll care and he'll do everything in his power to get help for Cardassia.

Knowing this scheme exists does nothing to reduce its effectiveness. On the contrary, the fact that Garak is willing to humble himself to make it work says a great deal about how desperate he is.

Julian nods, accepting his fate. Garak smiles like he knows he's going to win, they just need to wait for the rest of the game to play out.

*

They go to see Kira that afternoon, though Julian returns to his quarters to put on a uniform first. It makes everything seem more official. She actually seems pleased to see Garak. She says she's had the official reports, but asks him how things are in reality. He doesn't sugar coat it. She saw some of the destruction first hand. She helped caused a lot of it. The Bajoran government are, unsurprisingly, divided. The new Kai doesn't have enough support to sway people one way or the other, and though many Bajorans are of the opinion that the Cardassians deserve whatever they get, they all remember how hard the struggle for survival can be and there are some who literally wouldn't wish it even on their worst enemies. These groups have managed to put together some volunteers and resources for aid packages, but currently they're being blocked from getting through. Kira says she's almost at the point of opening negotiations with Quark to smuggle them off-planet. Garak volunteers to handle that part of the process, as he knows where help will be needed most.

It gives him a task to work on while he's in recovery, which is something that Julian was worried about. It's exactly the kind of intrigue that he's good at, and he's amused at using this skill set for good.

While they’re negotiating, Julian takes the opportunity to catch up properly with Ezri. They go back to her quarters and he proves that there's still plenty of passion between them. He tells her afterwards that he's considering asking for a leave of absence to go to Cardassia. She says she's always admired his sense of compassion, and it doesn't surprise her that he wants to help. They don't discuss what it might mean for their relationship.

He goes back to his quarters in the morning to find Garak examining the plants on the shelf. "Good morning," he says, somehow managing to make it sound innocent and smirk at the same time. "I take it you had a pleasant evening."

"Yes. Very nice."

"That's a very subdued assessment." The break up part of the plan is still firmly on the agenda, it seems.

"Would you prefer a detailed description of what we actually did to each other?"

"Perhaps not. You're over watering your plants, by the way."

"I inherited them from Keiko. They're lucky they're not dead yet. Can you rescue them?"

"Almost certainly. If you're willing to hand them over completely into my care and not interfere."

"Then I place that responsibility into your hands. How was your night?"

"I slept! I slept better than I have in months. And I helped myself to one of your books, I hope you don't mind."

"Dickens, by any chance?"

"Yes. And if I had read it a year ago, I would have seen it in a completely different light. Now I've got a bit more sympathy for the rebels."

Julian chuckles. He almost says that he doesn't need the performance, he's coming to Cardassia one way or another, but then he'd be stopping the show before the end. Besides, Garak seems to be having fun with it.

"I don't mind at all. But while you're feeling positive, I'd like to talk to you about the possibility of reducing your medication today."

"I had a feeling you were going to suggest that, which is why I already took my dose."

"Garak."

"I know, I know. I'm my own worst enemy. But I like feeling good. I like that I can finally breathe again. Just let me have today, and we can reduce tomorrow."

"Go and get me the bottle of pills."

"Why, don't you trust me?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I don't trust you," Julian teases. "It doesn't mean I like you any less, it just means I'm going to keep hold of your medication and dispense it as needed. You'll thank me in the long run. Trust me."

"Very well," Garak grumbles.

"And don't try to hide any pills in the Alamo, I know how many's in the bottle."

He goes into his room and comes back with the bottle. "Do you want to count them, just to be sure?"

"Do I need to?"

"That depends, do you think I trust you?"

Julian taps the bottle. "Actually, I think you do."

Garak sighs and pulls another pill out of his pocket. "There. Happy now?"

"No, in fact I suspect you've got two more hidden somewhere. You knew I'd be suspicious so you had one to make a show of giving back to me. But you'd also know I'd expect that, so there's a second one to try to persuade me that's all of them, and a third one which is your actual reserve. I'm happy for you to keep one for peace of mind as a safety net, but I want you to know that if you do take it, you'll only be setting yourself back."

He hands over a second pill. "As annoying as you can be, doctor, it's actually very reassuring that you know me so well."

"Good. Because we're going to have breakfast together before I head into work."

"So you can make sure I'm eating?"

"Because I delight in the pleasure of your company."

*

When Julian gets to the infirmary he sends a message to request a meeting with the head of Starfleet medical. He's not expecting a quick response, but within an hour he gets an appointment for the next morning. It gives him enough time to perfect his speech. It's going to have to focus on logic over emotional persuasion, as it's currently a Vulcan in charge, but he can work with that. In some ways it makes it easier, as at least she won't be holding on to hurt and anger, it'll simply be a numbers game. And he's good with numbers.

Unfortunately, numbers are low all around. He's told there's no ships, no volunteers- at least none that want to go to Cardassia. Most of the resources are currently taken up with Federation member worlds who've suffered major losses at the hands of the Dominion.

So he volunteers. She thanks him for his consideration, grants authorisation from her end but points out that he'll need to arrange his leave of absence with his station commander and they don't currently have anyone spare to replace him. He says he can sort that out and asks if there's any chance of getting extra medbays or replicators or any supplies at all. He's told she'll pass on the request, but warns it will take time to be heard and more time to be debated by the resource panel and there's no guarantee it'll be granted.

He goes back to Kira and tells her his plan.

"Of course I'll grant you leave. And I'm not making any promises, but I'll see if I can scrounge up any extra kit for you.” She folds her arms and looks at him carefully. “I have to ask though, have you talked to Ezri about it?"

He glances down. "I told her I'm thinking about it. It's only just now that I've committed to the decision. I'll talk it over with her."

"You have to do what's right for you," she says, her eyes fixed on him. "She'll understand why it's important to you."

"She will. She's amazing like that."

Kira smiles knowingly. "I understand why Odo needed to go, too. He took the chance to be so much more than he could be with any of us. And if he came back now, he'd be different. And you're not going to come back the same as you are now, either. Cardassia is…" she gestures at the air. "There was a time when I thought I'd be happy to see it in the state it's in now. But their suffering doesn't paint over the damage they did to us. It just makes more suffering. Cardassia is hell. You're going to find depths in yourself that you can't imagine, good and bad. I remember when you first came to the station, wanting the frontier, wanting adventure. I thought the reality of it would crush you, but it didn't. You're ready for this, but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy. What I can tell you is that it will be worth it."

He takes a moment to let her words sink in. Then he nods. "Those words mean a lot from you, Colonel." He turns to go, but pauses. "At the risk of ruining such a profound moment, can I ask something else of you?"

She sits on the edge of the desk. "Go on."

"I'd rather Garak didn't know about my decision yet."

"You don't think he'd be happy about it?"

"He hasn't said anything about the possibility directly, yet. He's playing at manipulating me into going, and that kind of fun is good for him. It's not as if he has a lot to make him happy these days, and I'd rather not take it away from him."

Kira scoffs. "It doesn't bother you that he uses you like that?"

"It's one of the things I enjoy most about our friendship. Garak is a mystery. We challenge each other all the time. It's the kind of friendship that keeps my mind active and it makes me feel…" he sighs, trying to find the right word.

"Alive?"

He frowns. "Yes. Very much so."

The thought haunts him for the rest of the day. Garak is his friend. Yes, there's a kind of passion in that, but friendships can run just as deep romances. He had a lot of fun with Miles, but it wasn't the kind of passion that felt romantic. He works through the afternoon and then meets Garak for dinner at Quark's.

Which, okay, to the outside observer might sound like a date, but it's really not. He declines a glass of wine and sticks to the synthale. Garak shares that he's making slow progress, but it is progress. He's currently doing background research on several couriers who might make good candidates.

Julian notices the way Garak's breath catches and then deepens occasionally as they eat, small moments where the anxiety is starting to creep in but he's fighting it. Still, he's staying close to him tonight. He suggests they visit Vic, and Garak agrees. It turns out his opinions on music are almost as strong as his opinions on literature, and they have a thoroughly enjoyable debate which leaves Julian buzzing.

And that's not a date either. Ezri joins them for a while and when Garak goes to the bar Julian kisses her and yes, that's definitely a different kind of passion.

"Are you coming back to mine tonight?" she whispers.

"I wish I could. I'm sorry, I just don't think he ought to be left alone tonight."

"I could stay over? He's got his own room, right?"

"Maybe tomorrow. It's a medical thing."

"You're reducing his meds, aren't you?"

"You know I can't talk about my patients."

"You don't need to. I'm glad he's got you to take care of him."

They go their separate ways at the end of the night. Garak says he's going to get some rest. Julian gives him a mug of chamomile tea and suggests he drinks it and reads for a bit. He stays in the living area, claiming he's got a few things to look over. They both know he's just going to be there listening out for any signs of distress. He doesn't hear any, and after an hour decides it's probably safe to head to bed.

The week passes with a few variations on the same routine. Julian gives Garak half a pill each morning, makes sure he eats a fortified breakfast, and keeps him company whenever he spots his mood dropping. On the good days, Ezri stays over and they make love as quietly as they can. She seems to know whenever he tries to talk about leaving and changes the subject. He lets it happen because it means he can make the most out of these moments before they're gone.

Garak is always polite to her, and bluffs his way through whenever she asks personal questions. Julian tries to hide the way it makes him smile. He's going to do everything he can to make it work. They'll only be long distance for a few months, and then he'll come back when the worst of the crisis is over.

When Garak's been ten days on a lower dose and seems to be settling into it, Julian stays over with Ezri. He drags out every kiss and caress, fingers and lips lingering on her skin. They're both desperate and needy, but part of that need is to make it last as long as possible.

Ezri is magnificent when she comes. Unrestrained and expressive as anyone he's ever been with. He feels her legs tighten around him, her nails rake down his back, and can no longer hold back his own climax. He groans her name as the pleasure overtakes him, leaving him languid and rests his head beside hers on the pillow.

But something in the way she breathes sounds wrong and he turns to look at her, just as a tear falls from the corner of her eye.

He withdraws quickly, moving off to one side, keeping his arms around her but taking the sexual elements out of the embrace. "Ezri."

“I… I care about you. I know you care about me, too. That's what makes this hard."

He closes his eyes. "You know I'm leaving."

"I knew as soon as you said it. You'd already decided, you just had to figure out how to get there. And it's the right choice for you. It's what you do, just like with Teplan blight."

"I do what I can. But it won't be forever."

She rolls onto her side to face him. "If you were with someone, and you noticed some medical anomaly on their body when you were naked, what would you do?"

"I'd say something. I wouldn't necessarily diagnose anything at that moment, but I'd tell them to go to one of the other doctors and get it checked out."

"So I should say that we both need a second opinion?"

"Both? So it's not just me you're getting some deep insight about?"

She smiles. "It's complicated."

He props his head up with a fist. "Oh. Well, in that case, I should point out that there's a conflict of interest with me discussing any personal issues with any of the other medical staff on the station because I'm their boss. And we are both reasonable adults, and I do care about you, so maybe we should just discuss it anyway." He cups her face. "Tell me."

"I think we're both chasing ghosts of the past."

"You think I'm using you to replace Jadzia?"

"Not consciously. I know you like this version of me, too. But we're mixed up in your head. Like when I mention the Teplan and you just accept it like it was me that was there and not her."

"I know you have all her memories. I don't need to draw attention to it."

"It's not just that. Sometimes it feels like you see me as an extension of her. I mean, you call me Ezri when you whisper sweet nothings in my ear, but when you come, the name you cry out is Dax."

He sighs, realising it's true. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Like I said, it's complicated. Dax likes it. It feels seen in a way that Trill society has never recognised. And that raises all kinds of questions, too. Being combined is… something I'm still trying to work out how to describe. It's a part of me in every way. Symbionts don't have a voice of their own, but they do have awareness. When it joins with a new host, it usually starts a whole new life, gets a clean break. Staying in the same place, with the same people is complicated. We have all these reminders of Jadzia, all these people who loved her, and the part of her that was Dax is now a part of me, but I'm different, and she's gone, and we miss her. Dax is still grieving, like it's lost a close family member, in a way that it's never had a chance to before. And it had so little time with her, it doesn't want to move on, it wants to cling to all the connections that were part of her life, but Worf's moved on, and Ben's gone. You literally held it in your hands at that moment of loss, and somehow it knows that. Connecting with you has been healing and fulfilling, but…"

"But you need to move on. You're breaking up with me."

"We all need to move on. Ezri, Dax, and Julian. I don't regret this. It means so much that we had it. But you're not in love with me, and I don't want you to be, because a part of me will always be the one you lost and it will always hurt."

His chest clenches. She's right. "I wish things were different. You're incredible, Ezri. I wish I could love you like you deserve."

"Can I give you some advice? As a counsellor and someone with eight lifetimes of experience?"

"Go on then. Impart your wisdom."

"You won't be able to love anyone until you let go. You hold back. You distract yourself and avoid your feelings. Work. The holosuite. Even this mission to help Garak. I know you've been hurt. It happens to everyone. But if you shut down to avoid the hurt, you shut out the chance of happiness, too."

"There it is. That deep insight into my psyche." He smiles, but it's a smile with weight behind it. "I think Dax is lucky to have you. I know you sometimes think that not having gone through all the host training puts you at a disadvantage, but it means that you see it in a way that none of its previous hosts ever had a chance to. Pair that with your counselling training, and I think you understand it in a way no symbiont has ever been understood before." He trails a finger down her line of spots and rests his hand over the other life inside her. “Look, I understand if you need me to go, but if you do want me to stay… just for tonight. To hold Dax in my arms one last time."

"We'd like that a lot."

*

It's strange the next morning. They don't kiss when they wake up, but they do hold hands and say their goodbyes. She assures him they're still friends. What they have is too deep to let go.

He does exactly what she said he does and spends the day avoiding his feelings. He goes home, puts on a smile and gives Garak his medicine. He goes to work, but his quarters are empty when he gets back. That's when it hits him. He sits on the sofa with his head in his hands, feeling numb and empty.

He's still there when Garak returns. "That's odd. Isn't it supposed to be me who's wallowing in self pity?"

It's as close as Garak gets to asking if he's alright, but that's not a bad thing. It gives him a chance to evade the inquiry or make light of it if he wants to. He doesn't want to. He wants to let go.

"Ezri dumped me."

Garak sits beside him and puts a hand on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

Julian drops one to look at him. "No you're not. You wanted me to break up with her."

"Yes, fair point. But nevertheless, I don't like to see you so sad."

"I'm afraid you might just have to put up with it for a little while."

"I do have a bottle of kanar in my room. I won't tell you how much Quark charged me for it."

It's enough to make Julian sit up properly. "Don't be absurd. That stuff's got to be all but priceless. Don't waste it on me."

"I suppose it would make more sense to keep it for someone who would fully appreciate it. What about one of your holosuite programs? We could get dressed up and forget all about it."

"I don't want to forget about it. I want to wallow. I think I've still got some of that Irish whisky left, though."

"That's the stuff that put you in the infirmary, isn't it?"

"Yeah, maybe not, then."

Garak leans back and looks up at the ceiling. "You know what we should do?"

"What?" Julian adopts the same position.

"Take that trip to Risa."

He laughs.

"I'm serious. In a few days, you're going to drop my medication altogether. I'd like that to happen somewhere warm and beautiful."

"You don't think that would be…"

"Decadent? Self-indulgent? In very poor taste considering the current state of my home planet?"

"Something like that."

"Probably. But I think I've earned it, don't you? Besides, Cardassia will still be there when I get back. It doesn't make any difference to them whether I spend the rest of my recovery here on the station or in a steaming pool or the hot sands."

"You want to bask like a lizard?"

"I want to bask like a lizard, and look at art, and listen to music, and see the most ridiculous styles of clothing. And I'd like you to enjoy it all with me."

"Then let's go to Risa."

*

It takes a few days to arrange the details. He has to talk to Kira again, and he's a lot less confident about it this time. It's one thing to request leave to go on an epic rescue mission, it's something else to say you're putting that mission on hold so you can go to a planet known for sex and hedonism.

Kira just laughs. Loudly, with her head thrown back. "Oh yes, Julian, please go. I only wish I could go with you."

"Really?"

"What's the point of fighting if you don't get to celebrate life once you've won?"

"I suppose when you put it like that…"

"You've earned this. Take the time to enjoy yourself before you go to Cardassia."

"Ezri told you we broke up."

"If it makes you feel better, I think she's about to rebound with Captain Boday."

He lets out an exasperated sigh. "The whole point was to move forward, not… I'm sorry. It's none of my business. But thank you, it does make me feel better about Risa. All I need now is to find us a ride."

"You can borrow the Holana."

"The new runabout? Are you sure?"

"Julian, you saved Odo's life. If it's in my power to grant it, I'll give you whatever you need."

"Nerys-"

"Don't. Just go and have fun. On behalf of all of us."

"Very well."

*

It takes a couple more days to make the arrangements. Garak has a few details to finalise with Quark before he can leave, and he's getting creative with replicating outfits to pack. Julian doesn't point out that they can replicate what they want when they get there because he likes the effect it has on him. But then they're finally on their way.

Garak starts in the pilot seat, but Julian can tell he's nervous. It's a long time to be in such a tightly enclosed space. "Just so you know, I've got a sedative ready if you need it. It won't interfere with your progress, it'll just put you to sleep."

"But who would keep you company?"

"I'll be fine. I've got books and music. If I need a nap, the computer can wake me up if anything happens."

"I'm managing so far. I'll let you know if I need it. What books did you bring?"

They chat for a while, but Garak gradually goes quiet. He starts doing the deliberate breathing that means he's trying to stay calm.

"Garak, please. This is supposed to be a fun vacation; there's no need to make yourself suffer."

"If you insist."

They head back into the cabin. Julian takes the hypospray from his kit. He's already got the dosage measured.

"It's a very small bunk," Garak notes.

"You'll barely notice you're in it. Lie down and close your eyes."

The best place to put a hypospray on most humanoids is behind the ear, near the carotid artery. On a Cardassian, that can be awkward unless they tilt their head a certain way. Garak turns away to bare his neck and Julian carefully moves his hair out of the way with one hand and applies the spray with the other. Then he gets out his tricorder and watches all his vital signs settle into sleep.

It leaves him alone with his thoughts for the first time in two weeks. He lets his mind wander. He imagines how hard his life is about to get. All the things he currently takes for granted that won't be there any more. Not just in terms of regular meals and a comfortable bed (he must remember to at least pack a decent pillow) but of everything in the infirmary that's ready when someone needs it. He thinks about how Kira said it would change him, and how Ezri said he needs to let himself feel. He wonders if that's a wise strategy on a ruined world.

Feelings lead to difficult choices and moral dilemmas. If he hadn't cared so much about Odo, would he have gone as far as he did? If he hadn't, Odo wouldn't have been there to heal the founder, and the final battle would have been so much more costly. Do the ends justify the means? Does it excuse it?

He hasn't talked to Garak about it because he knows he'd say yes, without a second thought. He doesn't want to be absolved that easily. He doesn't want to let himself start thinking he can do whatever he thinks is right. It's a dangerous path, especially for a man with his enhanced abilities. If he steps too far he could still end up in an institution, or worse. There's always been that pressure, that need to keep himself in check. To choose which answer to get wrong on every test so that he doesn't stand out. To throw the dart off centre so he can enjoy the game without giving himself away. To constantly lie and deceive with every action.

And ironically, that's what draws him to Garak, too. They're both liars, they're both hiding who they are so much that the masks they wear have become a part of them. There's truth in the lies. There's honesty in mystery. And there's acceptance of those areas most humans would consider morally grey.

He wonders if he'll see a different side of Garak on his home planet. Or the same Garak will look different in that context. He wonders if Cardassia will reveal a different aspect of himself, too.

He heads to the pilot seat to keep an eye on their progress. Nothing beeps or flashes at him. He reads for a while, then puts on some music and daydreams again. As they approach Risa, he gets changed into something cooler, then goes to wake Garak up. A smile tugs at his lips as his eyes come into focus.

"Morning. We're here. I've programmed the runabout to maintain orbit and we can beam down as soon as you're ready. Sit up slowly, you might find you're still a bit disoriented."

Garak groans lightly as he sits up. "So. Our holiday begins." His smile broadens as he notices Julian's bare arms. "I see you've dressed for the occasion."

"How are you feeling?"

"Nothing a little raktajino won't fix."

"I'll bring one."

He drinks it quickly and they beam down. Garak looks around at the open sky and greenery and sighs the most relieved sigh Julian's ever heard in his life. "Oh, yes. This is just what the doctor ordered."

Julian laughs. "See? Sometimes I do actually know what's good for you."

A pair of beautiful ladies approach them. "Welcome to Risa! I'm Minna, and this is Aline."

"I'm Julian. This is my friend Garak."

"We're pleased to meet you," Minna smiles. "How can we make your stay a joyous one?"

"I want to see some art!" Garak says enthusiastically.

"We have several sculptures in the gardens. Come with us!"

They both hold out their hands, and when Garak doesn't take one, Julian takes both. It's a pleasant walk. They look at several different pieces and argue over them, the kind of intellectual sparring that they both enjoy. Garak appreciates the technique, but is less impressed with the subject matter. He says that while there is an inherent beauty in the form, it lacks meaning and purpose. Julian counters that the meaning is inherently Risian, depicting the advent of intimacy, the pursuit of pleasure. Garak suggests that there are more noble causes, higher virtues. Anyone can indulge in pleasure.

Julian steps towards him. "True. Anyone can indulge. But on Risa, pleasure is an art form in itself, and so is intimacy, and I think you do our hosts a disservice if you fail to recognise that."

Garak's eyes drift over him. Then he inclines his head. "I see your point. Ladies, my apologies. No disrespect was intended."

"Right." Julian steps back, confused by how quickly he relented.

The Risians laugh delicately. Minna bows her head towards Garak. "It's quite alright. We're used to all sorts of cultures here, and many kinds of pleasure, including those who express it through conflict."

Aline nods agreement.

"Do you speak at all, Aline?" Julian asks.

She shrugs.

"Not very much," Minna says. "But she is an artist. Perhaps you'd like to create art with her later?"

Julian looks from one to the other and grins. "Is there any chance I could create art with both of you?"

"And what about your friend?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe we need to find some more statues to get him in the mood."

Garak glares and grins at the time. "I'd love to watch you try."

He manages another two hours before he announces that he's leaving them to it and going off to stare at the sea.

Julian disentangles himself from the ladies' arms. "Are you okay, Garak?"

"Fine. The fresh air will do me a world of good."

The answer indicates to Julian that he's not fine, but he does want to be alone. "Okay. Shall we catch up later?"

"I would have thought you'd be rather busy with your new friends."

"This is Risa. They're the welcome party. Give me a few hours to get it out of my system and I'll be all yours again."

"A few hours? That seems ambitious for a human."

"How would you know?"

"I know things, remember?"

"And not your average human, remember? Genetically enhanced stamina. Even the Risians wear out before I do."

Garak blinks, open mouthed.

"What, no comeback? Are you sure you're okay?"

"I will see you in the morning," he says smoothly. "I wouldn't want you to rush your welcome party."

*

It's a spectacular evening. Aline proves to be just as talented as Minna claimed, and the two of them together test his stamina almost to the limit. He leaves them to catch their breath and goes to run a bath. It's plenty big enough for the three of them together, and a very pleasant way to bring it all to a close. They say goodbye and he gets some food from the replicator. A short while later he hears Garak return to the adjoining room and wonders where he's been. He throws a robe on over his shorts and knocks on the door between their rooms.

Garak opens it and gives him another look up and down. "Your guests aren't staying over then?"

"That's not local custom, no. Unless specifically requested. Have you eaten?"

"I went to a very nice restaurant."

"And what did you eat?"

"Is this an interrogation?"

"Yes. What did you eat?"

"Fish. Rolled up in rice and seaweed. It had a strong flavour, and a little bowl of sauce to dip it in. It reminded me of yamok sauce. Satisfied?"

"For now. You seem irritable."

"Well, I was about to go to bed, and a half naked man knocked on my door and started asking annoying questions." He sighs. "It's been a long day."

"It's also twenty six hours since I last gave you your medicine. We're out of sync because of the time difference and the eight hours you were sedated on the trip."

"Are you going to give me more now, or is that it?"

"That's your choice. I think you're ready, but if you want to take another day or two, that would be okay, too. In my medical opinion."

Garak walks back into his room. It's a mirror of Julian's, with a large bed, a replicator, and a small table and two chairs. There's also a curved sofa where one might recline to read or pose provocatively for a lover and still enough space to dance around in between the furniture.

Or in Garak's case, pace while trying not to look like he's pacing. "I think I'll refrain."

"Good."

"Good. And I might take a shower. That sand really does get everywhere."

"Alright. Well, I'll leave you to it, then. But if you do need anything I'll be right next door. I mean if you experience any withdrawal symptoms, I've got painkillers and anti-emetics. Though it probably won't be as bad this time."

"Goodnight, doctor."

"Goodnight."

*

Julian sleeps well. He wakes up and stays exactly where he is, relaxed and comfortable. He dozes until there's a knock at the door. "Come in," he calls and sits up.

Garak pokes his head through. "You're not up yet?"

"No. This bed is amazing. I didn't want to move."

"Put some clothes on. I've got your breakfast." He disappears again.

Julian stretches, groans and pulls on a tank top and a pair of loose trousers. He goes through to find there's tea and scones on the table. Garak's staring at him again.

"Is it really so odd seeing me out of uniform?"

"I'm a tailor. I'm interested in your sartorial choices."

"If you say so." He sits opposite him and sips his tea. Extra sweet, just how he likes it. Up close he realises Garak's attire has changed as well. It's a nearly diaphanous fabric in a shade of blue that's almost black, with a wide collar that shows off even more of his neck than usual. It makes Julian aware of how much the thicker fabrics he usually wears hide what's underneath, as he can now clearly see the shape of those ridges extend over his shoulders, another prominent line echoing his clavicles, and a raised teardrop in the centre of his chest.

Of course he knew they'd be there; he's studied Cardassian anatomy extensively and treated this particular body's injuries on more than one occasion. But the hint of outline through his shirt is somehow more… fascinating.

"And what's your excuse?" Garak asks, because apparently Julian isn't being subtle about it either.

"I'm a surgeon. I'm intrigued by differences in xenobiology and anatomy."

Garak presses his lips together and nods. "Is that what we're calling it these days?"

"Calling what?"

"Eat your breakfast. I want to go back to the beach this morning, and I want you to come with me."

They both eat. The scones are just the right amount of crumbly and the clotted cream is deliciously thick. They're accosted twice on the way down to the shore, but Julian politely indicates that they're not looking for company. He spreads out a towel to sit on, while Garak lies straight on the hot sand. His choice of a dark shirt means he'll be taking in more heat from the sun.

"You really are basking, aren't you?" Julian teases.

"The warmth is sinking right into my bones. It's wonderful."

"I don't think I've ever seen you so relaxed."

Garak just hums contentedly. Julian gets out his book and reads, listening to the waves. A couple of chapters later, Garak finally speaks.

"I'm glad we came here. It will be a good memory to hold onto when I go back home."

Julian puts down his book. He lies on his side, head propped on his fist. "I know it's not going to be easy. But the most meaningful things in life are often the hardest."

"Easy for you to say. You get to carry on with your comfortable life on the station."

He chuckles. "No such luck. I've already had my request for leave approved. You're stuck with me."

Garak's eyes open and turn towards him. "You're coming with me?"

"Oh, come on, don't pretend to be so surprised. You've been planning this all along."

"If you knew, why didn't you say anything?"

"Because you were having far too much fun scheming and dropping hints."

"And you were having too much fun playing along?"

"That too. It turns out knowing the ending doesn't always ruin the story. There's enjoyment in watching how it all plays out."

"When did you make the decision?"

"On the first day. When you said there weren't any doctors. You can't dangle a bit of bait like that in front of me and not expect me to snap it up."

"Why would you find such a desperate situation so tempting?"

"You know me too well to ask that."

"Maybe I just want to hear you admit it."

"My fascination with doomed endeavour. My longing for adventure, combined with my saviour complex. A chance to mentally and physically test myself. Plus the fact that I do actually care about people, whether they're my enemies or not."

They gaze at each other, both decidedly smug. "You're an intriguing man, Doctor Bashir. And my life is certainly more interesting with you in it."

"I'm glad to have you as my friend, too, Garak."

*

Garak asks if they can have more sushi for lunch and puts soy sauce on everything. They spend the afternoon in the steaming pools. Minna finds them again, but this time she's accompanied by a tall and slender young man she introduces as Nyelle. They seem to be mostly interested in each other, but Julian knows better. This is a test to see if Garak's interests lie in the other direction, but he doesn't seem any more drawn to Nyelle than he was to the ladies.

Minna tells them they're having a party on the beach tomorrow night. There will be a bonfire, a barbecue, music and synthahol. Julian is excited by the idea, and Garak grudgingly agrees to attend.

After dinner, Nyelle teaches Garak a strategy game with different sized wooden blocks and the two of them enjoy several rounds while Julian disappears with Minna somewhere private.

The next day Julian challenges Garak to a game of tennis. Garak seems to be making mental notes about the sartorial choice of Julian's tiny white shorts and tight t-shirt. He does well enough in the game but says he suspects that Julian's going easy on him.

"Of course I am. If I hit that ball at full speed, it would get very boring very quickly. The point isn't to win, I know I can do that. The point is to enjoy the game."

"Careful. You're starting to sound like a Cardassian."

He enjoys the party that evening, too. The food is good and the fire is warm. Some of the Risians bring instruments and play a few jaunty tunes that get everyone dancing. Garak seems reluctant at first, but Julian holds out his hand and just waits for him to take it. It's not the most complicated dance, mostly just galloping around in a circle and occasionally splitting off into pairs to spin around. Julian lets him sit down on a log near the bonfire when he gets out of breath and brings him a drink in a tall glass.

"Mmm. Fruity. What is this?"

"I'm not sure what they call it. I just asked for something fresh and sweet." Julian drops to the sand and leans against the log, sipping a similar drink. "Are you still enjoying your holiday?"

"I am. And you?"

"Obviously. Everything here is just… simple."

"I've seen you looking around this evening. If you see someone that catches your eye, don't let me stand in your way."

"What about you? Doesn't anyone here tempt you even a little bit?"

"I won't say I'm not tempted. But letting someone get that close to me is not something I do lightly."

"It must be hard, spending so much time alone like that."

"It's what I'm used to."

"Which is why it's important to me to keep you company."

"You'll have plenty of my company soon enough. Make the most of it while you can. Nyelle has been noticing you. And he's quite charming. Have you ever considered such a liaison?"

Julian scans the crowd and looks at Nyelle. "There was someone. At the academy. We didn't get very far. I was a bit of a pretentious prick in those days."

"Really? You surprise me!"

They both laugh. "I bet you were completely insufferable at that age, too."

"There were some very strict rules when I was training for the Obsidian Order. I wasn't much of a rebel. My diligence didn't earn me many friends. But it did get me ahead."

Julian looks up at him. "Are we having an actual honest conversation?"

"Of course not. I broke every rule I could get away with, which was actually quite a few due to my talent for talking my way out of things."

"That's more like it." He sighs. "Maybe I should go and talk to Nyelle."

"No, don't do that. Wait for him to come to you."

"What if he doesn't?"

"He will. He's curious. And a little disappointed I said no to him yesterday."

"Did you two talk about me?"

Garak leans towards him and whispers. "I told him you're wild and insatiable."

"No, but really."

"I told him all about your enhanced stamina and extensive appetites."

"Garak, what did you actually say about me?"

"That you're a gentle soul and if he does anything to upset you I'll rip his throat out."

"Well, I'm so glad we had this conversation, I'm feeling much more enlightened now. Have you got your breath back? Ready for more dancing?"

"Five more minutes. I'm enjoying my drink."

When their thirst is quenched, they get up and bounce around again. When Garak says he needs another rest, Nyelle takes his place. When the music winds down into a slower ballad, the two of them get a drink and sit side by side, gradually moving closer together. Julian leans into Nyelle's shoulder and feels fingers combing through his hair. Strong, toned arms wrap around him. He looks up, and Nyelle strokes his cheek and gently kisses his lips.

"Is this what you're looking for?" he asks.

"I'm certainly open to try."

They kiss some more, and it feels good. There's a faint graze of stubble against his lips, which adds a new dimension to the sensory experience, and a firmness to his frame that's just as pleasing as soft curves. Julian finds that his body responds in just the same way as it would kissing a woman. He pulls closer, and Nyelle hums and straddles his lap. Before long, Julian is gasping and squirming under him. "We should go back to my room," he whispers.

Nyelle grins. "I'd like that very much."

They try to leave the party casually. Garak catches Julian's eye and gives him a knowing smile. He smiles back and takes Nyelle's hand. They stop several times along the way to make out again and start stripping off each other's clothes once they're in the room. They tumble into bed, laughing. Nyelle asks all the right questions to make sure that Julian's comfortable and consenting. They discover each other's preferences with some experimentation, though it turns out Julian simply enjoys everything.

When it's over, and they're lying side by side, sweaty and replete, Julian reaches out and takes his hand again. "Would you stay?"

Nyelle turns towards him. "Why do you ask?"

"Don't worry. I know how these things work, and I promise I'm not forming any kind of attachment. I'm just comfortable with you, and I'm learning about myself, and I'd like to keep exploring."

"That's a good answer. I'll stay one night, and one night only. I'm privileged to be a part of this journey for you. Would you like me to hold you while you sleep?"

"I'd like that very much."

Julian sighs and settles into the embrace. His body is very relaxed, but his mind is busy and conjures up strange ideas as he dozes. It's not like he never knew he could love a man this way. A Trill's relationship with gender is complicated, and there were times when Ezri wanted to explore that in the bedroom. And there are certainly a few men he's felt an attraction towards, it's just that dating women seemed simpler. When he was still hiding who he was, he didn't want to answer too many questions. He wanted to appear ordinary.

But he's not ordinary, and he doesn't have to hide anymore. Tonight he's found joy and freedom in embracing that.

He's almost asleep when he hears a sound coming from the room next door. It's enough to bring him to full alertness and he listens carefully. It sounds like sobbing.

He extracts himself from Nyelle's arms as carefully as he can, throws on his robe and grabs his emergency medkit. He cracks open the door. It's dark, but he can see the vague shadow of Garak curled into a ball on the bed.

He closes the door behind him, letting it click shut. "Garak?"

The sobbing cuts off abruptly.

"It's just me. The walls are fairly well sound proofed, but my hearing's too good."

"I'm fine. Go back to bed." Garak's voice is tight and small.

"You know that's not going to work on me. I've brought my tricorder. I think you're having another panic attack, but I'd like to check you over to make sure."

He doesn't answer, and Julian steps closer. Garak always seems to be more compliant when he's in doctor mode. When there's no objections, he sits on the edge of the bed and starts the scan. Elevated cortisol and heart rate. Reduced carbon dioxide levels.

He puts a hand on Garak's arm. "Just breathe with me. Deep inhale. That's it. And breathe out." They take a few more breaths together.

"What happened?"

"The people. The fire. Shouting." Garak tenses again, his breathing shallow.

"Breathe through it. That's it. You're safe now. I want you to focus on this moment, right where we are. Tell me five things you can see."

He lifts his head, still hugging his knees close to his chest and slowly looks around. "The stars through the window. The light fixture on the ceiling."

"That's good. Keep going."

He swallows. "The bed. The blankets. You."

"Well done. Now four things you can hear."

"The waves. The air blowing through the heating system. Your tricorder whirring."

"I'm just keeping track. It's working. One more sound."

"Your voice. It's calming."

"Good." He switches off the tricorder again. "Next is three things you can feel."

"I've got sand between my toes again. My head hurts. And you're touching me."

"Two things you can smell."

"Really?"

"It's an exercise to help ground you in your senses."

"The linens smell fresh. And you smell decidedly unfresh." He gives Julian a look that says I know exactly what you've been doing.

Julian feels his cheeks grow warm. "Moving on from that, our final thing is what you can taste."

Garak keeps looking at him intensely, leaning closer as if he's about to share a secret. His mouth opens and he inhales, but no sound comes out. Instead, he reaches for the back of his head and pulls him even closer. "You," he whispers, and kisses him, firm and intentional.

Julian responds without thinking, kissing back hungrily, lost in the feel of his lips and his tongue. It comes so naturally, as if this is something that was there all along, and he's only just recognising it for what it is. His heart beats hard and he grasps at Garak's shoulders to bring their bodies closer. The ridges under his palms feel so right, and he lets one hand wander up and over his neck. When he places his fingertip just so, he can feel the flutter of a pulse that's beating just as fast, and even as that excites him, it reminds him of the current context and how vulnerable Garak is right now. He takes one more deep, desperate taste and then forces himself to pull back.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." He watches Garak's face fall into stillness, like he's putting on a blank mask. It feels like a knife in his chest. "Not like this. I'd be taking advantage."

"Right." Garak drops his hands and moves away. "Shall we just pretend this never happened? We are both good at pretending, after all."

"It's just with all that's happened tonight, I don't think-"

"Please, spare me the excuses. I'd rather not hear a list of both our deficits."

"Garak-"

"It's fine. It was a moment of confusion, that's all. I'm feeling much better. More grounded."

"You want me to go."

"I think that might be best."

"At least let me help with the headache." He reaches for the medkit and takes out a hypospray.

Garak looks at him for a moment, undecided, then nods and bares his neck. Julian feels it pull at him, takes a deep breath to keep his hands from shaking, and delivers a mild painkiller. It feels far more intimate than it should. He fights the urge to press his lips to the spot. "There you are." His voice croaks. He hesitates.

"Thank you. Good night, doctor."

"Good night." He gathers his things and walks back into his own room.

Nyelle sits up as he closes the door behind him. "Is everything okay?"

Julian drops the medkit and his robe and crawls back into bed. "Kiss me."

*

"Are we going to talk about last night?" Nyelle asks in the morning.

"Do we need to?"

"You disappeared next door and came back all panicked and horny. Something happened."

"Nothing happened. Nothing at all. Just another step in my journey of self-discovery."

"Denial is fine. It's none of my business. But you should probably talk to someone about it. Probably Garak."

"There's no point in talking to Garak about it. He'll only make something up."

"He cares about you."

"I know. That's what makes this so confusing."

"You don't have to figure it out all at once. Give yourself some time to find out how this new realisation fits in with everything else in your life. Don't rush into anything that's going to ruin your friendship."

"Friendship. Right. We'll focus on that."

"And if you do need to blow off any more steam, please let me know, because you're pretty awesome for a beginner."

Julian laughs and pulls him closer. "I'm a doctor. I understand how bodies work."

"You'd be surprised. One doesn't always follow the other. All I'm saying is, if you ever get bored of Starfleet, you'd fit in very well on Risa."

"Maybe I should get some more practice in, just in case."

"I think that's a good idea."

*

Julian doesn't see Garak until nearly lunchtime. They run into each other in the gardens, and wander around together, avoiding all the suggestive art. He's back to his usual self, smiling and acting like last night never happened. Julian plays along and tries not to stare at his neck or the prominent outlines that show through another thin shirt. This one's dark grey, with a very subtle shimmer to it that keeps trying to draw his eye to the areas he's trying to avoid.

But it draws his attention to the fact that Garak has been looking at him differently out of uniform, too. Tailoring interests aside, there's a possibility that suggests there might be more to this than seeking comfort in a vulnerable moment. Which is… good, Julian decides. He likes Garak. He likes the way he feels around Garak, and even though there's a good chance any kind of romantic attachment between the two of them would be the most complicated situation imaginable, it is imaginable, and somewhat appealing.

Not that he has a crush or anything. He's just adapting to this new expression of his sexuality. Which Garak was possibly involved in setting up. More than possibly. Is this another one of his plans?

"Doctor?"

"What?"

"I asked what you'd like to eat. You seem distracted."

"Last night gave me a lot to think about. With Nyelle. Last night with Nyelle gave me a lot to think about, so yes, I'm distracted."

Garak has the audacity to smirk at him. "It's good to see you broadening your horizons."

Julian bites his lip to keep himself from blurting out something he shouldn't. Like anything relating to their kiss, or why it wasn't the right time for it but that doesn't mean it should never happen again, that he thinks maybe he wants it to happen again, and maybe Garak does too. He wants to ask if this is another set up but he can't because if this is another of Garak's games, he wants to play it all the way through without spoilers.

It's like a switch has been flipped in his brain, and all the things that were amusing and mysterious and comfortable about Garak are suddenly now all a little bit sexy.

He has got to get a handle on this before they get to Cardassia.

He's going to Cardassia.

What if this isn't two separate plans at all? What if everything with Ezri and the medication and Cardassia and Risa is one big scheme to get him to… what, fall in love? If it is, it's the kind of deeply convoluted courtship that only Garak could come up with. Which means Julian's reaction last night is just a little hiccup that's most likely been anticipated and won't have any significant impact on the overall outcome.

This is happening. He's sure Garak will let him back out gracefully if he doesn't want it, but he does want it.

Maybe.

It's a lot to think about all at once, and difficult to keep track when he keeps remembering the taste of that devious tongue in his mouth and the feel of those ridges…

"You're zoning out again. That must have been quite an experience last night."

Well, if they're going to play, then he might as well enjoy the game, like that tennis match except this time he's the one who's out of his league. And Garak is serving up easily returnable shots. Maybe he does want to talk about it after all, just in his usual roundabout way. "Finding out I can have such a strong response to another man is quite the revelation. It's changed my perspective on a number of things."

"How so?"

He gestures widely. "I'm seeing beauty everywhere. Possibilities I hadn't considered before are suddenly much more appealing. As if I've been given a key to a whole new world of experiences and feelings. I'm excited to explore." He looks back at Garak. "To see where it all leads."

Garak smiles at him, and he feels his chest flutter. If he falls, he's going to fall fast and he's going to fall hard. But he's not nervous. He knows if he does, it's because Garak wants him to, and he'll be there to catch him.

"I'm glad to hear that you're not ruling anything out."

"No, I'm not ruling anything out. But this is Risa. It's a hedonistic, fleeting kind of joy. Which doesn't make it any less meaningful, or the feelings I experience here any less real. It's just different when I get back home, when I move on to the next mission. Out there things are more complicated."

"Just because something's complicated doesn't mean it's not worth pursuing."

Okay, so they're definitely talking about it. "I agree. Especially for someone with a mind as sharp as mine." He wonders if Garak will see that as a vain declaration or the compliment it's intended as, but it's Garak so he'll get it. "But I took a risk with Ezri, and we both ended up getting hurt. I'm not about to go leaping into the next thing unless I'm sure that it's the right thing for both of us."

It feels like he's barely keeping to the code, but at least he's said it. I don't want to ruin our friendship.

Garak nods thoughtfully. "I think that's a mature attitude to have."

"My life has changed. I've changed. And I think, when I get to Cardassia, things will change even more. But I hope that the right person will be there when I'm ready."

"I have no doubt that the right person will find that you're worth the wait."

Julian takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Okay then. "Were you saying something about food?"

They find a restaurant and sit opposite each other, just like they used to on the station. It feels natural and familiar. They joke and bicker. Maybe it's a little flirtatious, but then maybe it always was.

The rest of the week goes by almost too quickly. They visit a variety of restaurants, and Garak finally seems to have his appetite back. They look at art and read to each other on the beach. They take a pottery lesson and all Garak's attempts flop about on the wheel. "It's easy for you, with your steady surgeon's hands," he complains.

Julian pulls up a stool opposite him, and places his hands over his. They're both messy from the clay, but the touch is like lightning and the prolonged contact is like a campfire in his chest. Together, they make a passable vessel. It's only later, after their pottery teacher leaves his bed and he's alone again, that he thinks about the level of detail in the holosuite costumes Garak's made for him, and the intricacy of the stitching, that he realises that he's been played again. And he doesn't mind at all.

Surprisingly, Garak also seems to be determined to set him up with as many of the locals as possible, especially when they've shared moments that feel more intimate, like the pottery class. He gets Julian all riled up somehow, and then points him in another direction to release the tension. The only problem is that he keeps thinking of Garak while he's in someone else's arms.

On the last day, they visit the underground gardens, and it's the most romantic date yet. Not that either of them acknowledge it as such out loud, but it's there in the sighs of wonder, the whispers that feel like a caress and the way they stand so close together that if either one of them wriggled their fingers they'd be touching.

Julian doesn't take anyone else back to his room that night. He invites Garak to join him for Tarkalean tea, and puts on some of Vic's songs in the background and they drink and pretend that this is all there is, and they don't have to go back to real life and a devastated planet, and stay up later than they should because they don't want to let go.

But when Julian starts to yawn, Garak gracefully returns to his own room. Julian puts the cups back in the replicator and collapses on his bed feeling dreamy and full of love. He doesn't really notice when he goes from replaying the day in his mind to pleasuring himself, but it's Garak's name that he whispers at the climax.

Breakfast the next day is more subdued. There's no ignoring what they're going back to, but at least they're going back to it together. They pack their bags and beam back to the runabout. Garak instantly tenses, and Julian notices straight away. He puts a hand on his arm.

"You've done well without your medication, but this is where it gets more difficult. Risa has done you a world of good, and I don't want you to lose all that progress, which you will if you force yourself to endure the journey. I've got the sedative, and I'd like to recommend you use it so that you arrive back at the station at your best. I have a feeling we're going to need it."

Garak nods and heads to his bunk. When he gets there, he stands staring at it. "It's even smaller than I remember."

Julian gets out his hypospray and adjusts the setting. "How do you feel about lying down?"

"Not very good."

"Do you think you can sit?"

"Is this one of those one step at a time techniques? Because if you're going to get me to sit and then try to convince me to lie in that thing, I don't want to sit either."

"If you sit, I can give you this and you'll be asleep before your head touches the pillow. I'll take care of the rest." I'll take care of you.

Garak takes a deep breath and sits on the edge of the bunk, leaning forward to keep his head out of the alcove. Julian crouches in front of him. "Just relax. Think of the warm sun and the hot sand." He places one hand behind Garak's head, cradling it like they're about to kiss again. Garak inhales and leans into it, baring his neck.

"That's it." Julian applies the hypospray and puts it aside, watching Garak's face as his eyelids start to droop and flutter closed. "Don't fight it. I've got you." He places a hand on his chest and guides him back. Then he's bent over the sleeping Garak, still holding the back of his head, touching his chest. He's wearing his thicker garments again so Julian can't feel the ridges as easily, which is good because right now it's taking all that he has not to lean in and press a kiss to Garak's forehead. Instead he inhales, and exhales, and slowly moves his hands away. He rearranges his legs into a comfortable position on the bunk, and then just watches him, imagining what it might be like to lie down next to him, to hold him night after night.

He has the whole journey back to Deep Space Nine to examine his feelings. By the time they arrive he's analysed himself into knots. The attraction is strong, but so are his doubts. It's how they'd work together in real life that's the question.

He makes sure Garak is facing out toward the cabin before he wakes him up. He opens his eyes slowly and gazes up at him with a sigh. For a moment it all feels so painfully obvious that Julian forgets that they're supposed to be pretending. It would be so natural to stroke his cheek and kiss him gently. But he resists because he still has doubts, and if it turns out he can't deal with it in real life, he'd never forgive himself for breaking Garak's heart.

"We're here," he says softly, then stands and offers a hand to help him up. Garak takes it and Julian does his best to ignore the resulting firework display that's happening in his chest. "We can go back to my quarters to freshen up. I might need a nap before I check in with Kira."

"What's local time?" Garak asks, picking up his bag and heading straight for the airlock.

"Oh nine hundred."

"Too early to catch up with Quark. Maybe I'll just give myself some time to settle in, then we can go and get progress updates together."

Julian manages to doze off for an hour, and waking up in his own bed helps him reset. He takes a shower and puts his uniform on, and though he's still tired he's awake enough to handle the day.

He finds Garak lying with feet up on the back of the sofa and Dickens in his hand. He smiles to himself. "You're still enjoying it, then?"

"I'm broadening my horizons. Are you ready?"

"Almost. Raktajino, extra sweet." The replicator produces the drink and he starts sipping it. "Did you manage any breakfast?"

"I had one of those fortified milkshakes. Unsurprisingly, I'm feeling a little uneasy about what's ahead."

Are they talking in code again, or this about going back home? Or both? "Understandable. I'm feeling somewhat nervous myself. But it's oddly comforting to know that I've got you with me."

"I'd complain that's another of your banal human platitudes, but it isn't, is it?"

"I'm going to take a leaf out of your book and avoid answering that so we don't have to deal with the embarrassment." He picks up a pad and places it on the terminal. "Computer, download the complete Sherlock Holmes."

"What's that?"

"Human literature. It's about a very clever man who solves mysteries, usually grisly murders. I think you might find it entertaining, or at least informative. The stories were written a few hundred years ago, when humanity was only just beginning to get to grips with the idea of technology." The computer chimes complete and he passes the pad to Garak who sits up and starts reading.

"The language is different… I'm not familiar with all the places mentioned… Good grief, he's rushing through it, isn't he?"

"The first few pages are just setting up the character, and how he ended up in London where the main story takes place. It's when he meets Holmes that it gets interesting."

He drinks his raktajino and checks his terminal for messages, glancing across the room every now and then like a teenager with a crush. It's ridiculous, but it makes him happy. And Ezri did say he should let himself feel.

There is a message from her saying she'd be happy to meet and hear about his trip. She wants to check he's okay before he leaves for Cardassia. He messages back to say he's arrived and can meet her at Quark's this evening, but won't be out late. There's a message from Kira saying she has good news but she wants to tell him in person, and there's the daily reports from the infirmary that he scans through quickly.

"Okay, now I'm ready," he says. "Apparently the Colonel had good news."

"Excellent. Hopefully that means supplies."

Kira smiles at both of them across the desk. "So, unfortunately my small band of renegades don't have the money to scrape together any large items like a medical bed or a replicator."

"You seem pleased about that."

"That's because they found something better. There's a warehouse full of old Cardassian tech that's been sitting there since the occupation. Nobody wants it or cares what happens to it, it's just been left there. They've been going through it and there's whole cases of spare parts that haven't even been used. Enough to build several useful items from scratch, or patch up whatever you can find at home."

"That's brilliant!" Julian says.

Garak looks less enthusiastic. "I'm not saying I'm not grateful, and it will certainly prove useful, but it will take some time to round up people with enough expertise to put something like that together. I can do a certain amount myself, but I'm no engineer."

Kira's smile broadens. "I've got that covered, too. There's only one man in Starfleet who's not only got extensive experience working with Cardassian technology, but the skills and creativity to jury rig whatever it is you need most."

Julian leans forward. "Nerys, you didn't."

"I did. He's arriving here tomorrow. With a handful of his best students."

He laughs with joy and covers his mouth and tries to compose himself. Garak's eyes flick from one to the other. "You're talking about Chief O'Brien."

"Who else? When I told him the situation he leapt at the chance."

Julian sighs with relief. He can talk to Miles. He can say everything that's happened out loud and Miles will tease him but he'll understand and help him make sense of it. He doesn't have to figure it out alone.

And yes, his engineering skills will be a most valuable resource on Cardassia, too.

"This is the best news. I can't even… Thank you."

"I told you. You've earned it. Here's the faked documentation for the shipment and who to speak to for your smuggler." She hands him a pad. "Now get out of my office before your enthusiasm makes me emotional."

Julian has a bounce in his step as they head back to the promenade. He can feel Garak's eyes on him in the turbo lift and tries to ignore it, but he can't help looking back. It's awkward. They both know this changes the whole dynamic of the mission, but to acknowledge that out loud is to admit that their courtship exists. He hopes it won't derail Garak's plans. He hopes Garak's not feeling too jealous about how happy he is that Miles is joining them. He can handle this. All he has to do is say something to indicate that this doesn't change anything between them.

"What? Are you getting used to the sight of me in uniform again? Missing my brightly coloured beach wear?"

"I'm just wondering how long it will be before beach wear is a distant memory."

"I would hope that there are beaches on Cardassia too."

"There are. But it's not like Risa. And you'll be busy with your duties as a doctor, and I'm sure you'll be spending a certain amount of time with the Chief, playing darts or whatever you do when there's no holosuite to frolic in."

Julian chooses his words carefully. "I don't want to forget the beach. I learned new things about myself, which I'm still adjusting to. I'm definitely interested in seeing the beaches on Cardassia, and if you're willing to show me around, once I've got my bearings, I'd certainly make time for it."

Garak smiles. The doors open. "Ah. Here we are."

Julian can't help but wonder what he would have said if the journey had lasted twenty more seconds.

They find Quark stocking up behind the bar. He says his contact is on his way to Bajor. Garak gives him the details and arranges payment.

"Now we've just got to wait for a few days for the supplies to get here, and we, and our engineering team, can head out." Garak sighs. "It's all happening."

"It is. And what shall we do in the meantime?" Julian asks.

Garak smiles softly at him for just long enough to get him thinking about the thing they're pretending never happened, and to start wondering if maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to try it again.

"I… need a drink." He slides onto a bar stool.

"Isn't it a little early?" Quark asks.

"I'm still on Risa time. It's been a long day."

"Well in that case, let me help you out with that. Synthale?"

"Please."

"And for your companion?"

"It's earlier from my standpoint. I'll just have a rokassa juice."

"So, how was Risa?" he asks with a smirk as gets drinks.

The two glance at each other and immediately away again.

"Oh? That good, huh?” Quark's eyes shift from one to the other as he pushes the glasses towards them. “Maybe just the highlights. What was your favourite part?"

"An interesting question. What would you say, doctor?"

Julian considers. If he's coming out, telling Quark is probably the most efficient way of doing it. "I think my favourite part was the night after the beach party."

Quark leans forward. "Did you make a friend? I bet she was beautiful. All the Risian women are beautiful."

"He was gorgeous. And very talented. All it took was one kiss to change my perspective on everything."

Garak clears his throat.

Quark grins. "Good for you. Between you and me, there's something about kissing a man that just hits you in a different way. Or maybe that was just the hormones."

"You surprise me."

"I shouldn't. You're the one who made me a real woman, what did you think I was gonna do, play tongo?"

"Honestly, I was trying not to think about it too closely."

"What about you Garak? You find any ladies- or gentlemen- to your liking?"

"Oh yes. They were all very taken with my enigmatic presence. I had a different partner every night."

"And who was your favourite?"

"Let's see… there was my dancing partner, lots of energy there. My tennis partner with the ridiculously tiny shorts."

Julian snorts. "They were very small, weren't they?"

"That assistant in the pottery class was rather charming. But I think my favourite was the one who had breakfast with me. Quite the conversationalist even when I woke him up early."

He feels his heart swell. This is Garak's way of telling him how much those moments meant.

"Garak, I had no idea you had it in you. Congratulations, now I'm feeling completely inadequate. It's like team seduction over here."

"You didn't do too badly on Risa, if I recall," Julian says.

"You're right. Maybe I need another vacation.” Quark straightens up and runs his hands over the front of his jacket. “I'd have to close the bar, there's nobody left I'd trust to run it. Mind you, all my favourite customers are leaving me so maybe I’ll just lock it up for a couple of weeks."

"Don't go just yet. Miles is coming to Cardassia with us, and he'll be here tomorrow. We have to celebrate."

"Shall I reserve you a holosuite?"

"Yes. Though I'm not sure which program to run. Garak, will you join us?"

"In the holosuite?"

"Why not?"

"I might get shot."

"Yes, but you'd enjoy it."

"Enjoy getting shot?"

"Enjoy the holosuite. We could do another mystery. You could be Sherlock and I'll be Watson."

"And leave Mr O'Brien to be the corpse? I'm sure he'd be very happy with that."

"You should do Sparta," Quark suggests. "Then I can laugh at you all half naked in your little skirts and red capes."

"What's Sparta?"

Julian's too busy short circuiting his brain with the mental image of Garak dressed as a Spartan warrior to answer.

*

The next day, Garak suggests they get an early lunch so that Julian can go and meet Miles as he arrives and they can spend some time together.

"What about you?"

"I think a few hours alone would actually be good for me. Peace and quiet and Sherlock Holmes. Besides, I'm sure you and your friend have a lot to catch up onl."

Or, he knows he's going to be a major theme in that conversation. He wants to leave them to it because he's realised it could be an important step in the ‘getting Julian to fall in love with him’ plan.

"I appreciate it. Thank you."

*

Miles hugs him tightly as soon as he walks out the docking bay. "Oh, I've missed you pal!"

"It's only been two months!"

"It feels like longer. I've been busy. How's things with Ezri?"

"We have a lot to catch up on."

Miles pulls back and looks at him. "Don't tell me you've broken up already?"

"That is a conversation we can have later, with drinks."

"Right."

"And when you haven't got a clutch of cadets hanging around behind you."

"Oh these guys," he turns around and looks them over. Three young women, human, Vulcan and Betazoid, and a Trill, who looks at him with eyes older than his features suggest. "Best I could do on short notice. Team Cardassia, this is Doctor Bashir, he'll be coming on the mission with us."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Julian says with a nod. "This isn't going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it. We'll get to know each other soon enough, but you've had a long journey and I expect you'll want to find your quarters before the Chief starts putting you through your paces."

"I can show them the way to the guest quarters, sir," the Trill says quietly. "H12?"

"Have you been studying a map of the station? That's keen."

"Actually, I've visited here before. Or at least one of my former hosts did. I remember the way."

Julian doesn't say anything about the fact he's very young to be a host, because it undoubtedly means he acquired his symbiont under traumatic circumstances. He gives them their room numbers and the others follow the Trill.

"Do you know his story?" he asks Miles.

"I haven't dared ask. I was hoping I could get him talking to Ezri. Not even as a counsellor, just another young host."

"I'm sure we can arrange it. Do you want to drop off your things? You can have your old bed back while you're here. Garak's in Molly's old room but I can manage on the couch."

"No, don't put yourself out. I'll get guest quarters."

"It's only for a few nights. Besides, after that, it'll be back to Cardassian beds or no beds at all. And how will we stay up drinking if you're all the way up on level twelve?"

"Fine. I'll drop my bag and then we can go get drinks and you can tell me what happened with Ezri."

Miles waits until they've finished their first game of darts before he starts his interrogation. "So who broke up with who?"

"She broke up with me. But only after I told her I was going to Cardassia. I thought we might manage long distance for a few months, but we didn't get that far. As much as I liked her, I couldn't separate her from Jadzia, and it wasn't right for either of us."

"I'm sorry. It's never easy, even when you know it's for the best. How are you coping?"

"Well. This is where it gets complicated. Garak had been here for a couple of weeks at that point, staying with me, and he suggested we go to Risa."

Miles chuckles. "I cannot imagine Garak having that idea."

"Technically, it was an idea I suggested to him several months back, but we never got around to it."

"So you went to Risa with Garak. And it got complicated. I'm not sure I like where this is going." He finds an empty table and they sit with their synthales.

"He set me up with a very handsome Risian man. And I had a very enjoyable evening."

"Okay, but it's not like you being bi is news to anyone."

"Really?"

"It's an energy thing. You've got it. Also you're a total xenophile and there's usually overlap."

"What would you know about it?"

"I'm married, I'm not dead." He laughs and takes a drink.

"So you're…"

"Not as straight as I look."

"Interesting."

"Don't be getting any ideas. I know I'm a catch, but I'm still happily married."

"I didn't mean-"

"I know. But I still don't get how this is complicated."

"I kissed Garak."

Miles splutters into his drink. "You what? Why? How? Why?"

"It was a moment. I suppose, more precisely, he kissed me. But I definitely kissed back. And it wasn't just any kiss, it was a full on, fire in my blood, pin me to the bed now kind of a kiss."

Miles is staring at him with a look of pure confusion. "And who would pin who in that scenario? Because I can't imagine either of you- no wait, forget I asked. My brain is clearly melting with the thought of you snogging the scary Cardassian superspy!"

Julian flaps and shushes him. "I know! How do you think I feel?"

Miles exhales and gathers his composure. "I'm assuming that you haven't talked to him about it."

Julian winces. "Yes and no? First of all, it's Garak, so any kind of honest conversation is against his religion. And second, I did kiss him back but then I panicked and pulled away and apologised for taking advantage, and he suggested we pretend it never happened."

"And what did you say?"

"Nothing much. I just went back to my Risian lover and shagged him senseless."

"Julian. Seriously?"

"In retrospect, it might not have been the best plan. I kept imagining neck ridges."

Miles rolls his eyes. "And now, what, you're both embarrassed and have to deal with working together after a stolen moment of passion?"

"Now I'm thinking this is part of some much bigger plan to seduce me into falling in love with him."

Miles looks at him carefully. "Is it working?"

"I think it is."

"Bloody Hell." They both drink. "So what are you going to do?"

"Well, we've been leaning heavily into subtext. And if I'm interpreting it right, he wants more, but is content to wait until I've figured out what I'm really feeling. And hopefully I've communicated that I'm still interested, I just need time to make sure it's real. I don't want to rush in and then find out I can't handle it and break his heart."

"Has Garak even got a heart?"

"Yes. A very badly bruised one, which is why he keeps it so well hidden."

"Mate. You've got it bad."

Julian looks up at the ceiling and lets out an enormous sigh. "It looks that way, doesn't it?"

"So why the hesitation?"

"Because it's Garak. He schemes and he lies and he manipulates, and as attractive as that mystery can be, I need to know that I can accept it as one that will never be solved. If I've got the strength to spend the rest of my life playing guessing games with the man I love." He puts down his drink and folds his hands together. "I'm at a point of major transition. This could be a few months on Cardassia, or it could be a lifetime. Garak's been in exile for almost a decade, only to return to his home world in ruins. He's connected to that place. If I choose Garak, I don't just choose a man, I choose a life helping him rebuild an empire."

"Okay. That definitely counts as complicated."

"He's going to be powerful in whatever new government develops. Possibly as a politician himself, or maybe just influencing things behind the scenes. The universe is changing. Cardassia won't be the huge and brutal Empire it was, but we don't know yet what it will be. Their classic literature shows a society that values family and community and duty. Somehow I have to decide if I can fit into that. If it's worth giving up my career in Starfleet, and trying to build a new career there, so I can be with him."

"You've obviously been giving this a lot of thought."

"I've struggled to think about anything else since we left Risa. It was easier to forget the bigger picture there."

"Is he worth it?"

"He might be. But it's not a decision I can make overnight. It's not a decision I can make without being there, without seeing that place for myself."

"So you're in a holding pattern."

"I am. And don't get me wrong, there's a lot of serious things to consider, but there's also… butterflies, and stolen glances that get my heart racing, and all those wonderful, exciting moments you get when you're falling in love."

"With Garak."

"Yes. I'm falling in love with Garak. Gosh, it feels strange to say that out loud." He picks up his drink again.

Miles' expression softens. "What is it about him? Apart from the kiss that got your knickers in a twist."

"He's fascinating. Mysterious. He keeps me guessing even when I think I've got him figured out. We talk about complex ideas and neither of us has to simplify anything. We argue and tease each other. He's got an uncrushable spirit, resilience, determination, and confidence. I like the way he thinks. I like the way he lies." He smiles to himself. "I like the way that whenever I'm with him, I feel truly alive."

"Do you trust him?"

"I feel safe to be myself with him. He's very careful about how much he reveals about himself, and I know how that feels, too. I don't know that trust is exactly the right word… I know he'll always be scheming, but I believe that in his mind, his schemes are always for a good reason."

"And you think he feels the same."

"I'm almost certain of it."

"Almost?"

"He's either deeply in love with me, or playing at being deeply in love with me for his own devious reasons. Of course, the main reason I think this is that he's pretending he's not and avoiding talking about it directly. He's acting around me as he always has, which does make me wonder how long it's been going on. If he were to start openly professing his love for me, I'd probably start doubting he meant it."

"Well, I have to say, in all the years we've been friends, I have never seen you like this. You're passionate, you're mature. This sounds… serious. Like it might be the real deal."

"Terrifying, isn't it?"

"Abso-bloody-lutely."

*

The cadets find them a while later, after waiting on the Promenade to see a ship come through the wormhole. It's becoming a much more common sight again now that the war is over. The Trill is giving everyone a tour of the station, telling stories from his former host's time here six years ago.

Julian goes back to check on Garak. It feels different seeing him after his confession, and he can't help blushing. Garak doesn't mention it, and declines his awkward attempt at a dinner invitation, promising he'll eat something from the replicator. Julian doesn't trust that promise one bit, but lets it go this time.

He eats with Miles and the cadets, and they all head into Vic's and keep drinking. They look a bit concerned about drinking in front of the boss, but he points out this is their last chance for a blowout before they get back so they better make the most of it. "Not too much, though, as we'll be training with real systems tomorrow whether anyone's got a hangover or not."

Several pints later, he has a question for Julian. "So you know you said you argue?"

"Me and Garak?"

"Yeah. You do know that means he's totally into you?"

"You think so?"

"No, it's a thing. Remember those Cardassian scientists? The one of them really ground my gears and I wasn't exactly subtle about how much it annoyed me. She thought me arguing back meant I wanted to breed with her."

Julian splutters. "You think Garak wants to breed with me?"

"Well, maybe not breed, exactly. Maybe just… you know. He's flirting with you."

"I…"

"What? Your face just short circuited."

"I mean, technically, he could. There are ways to combine our genetic material, and if I can grow a patient a spare kidney, I could grow myself a uterus."

"Bloody hell. Julian, you're talking about having Garak's baby. My best friend's gonna have a Cardassian baby."

He drops his head to the table. "I'm doomed. I'm utterly, completely, doomed."

"Nah, you're fine. You just need another cocktail."

They're both swaying by the time they're walking home. Miles immediately bumps into the couch and swears. Julian laughs. "You were in here earlier. You know I rearranged the furniture."

"Yeah, I know, but the way I had it is so deeply ingrained in my brain it's like autopilot. Bloody hell, that hurts."

"Do I need to get my dermal regenerator out?" Julian says and starts giggling harder.

"Sh! Be quiet or you'll wake your baby daddy."

Julian collapses into a wheezing heap on the couch. Miles manages to get the lights on, then tells the computer to lower them to forty percent.

Garak appears in the doorway to his room. "Hello," he says carefully. "Are you both very drunk?"

"A little bit," Julian squeaks, desperately trying to regain some self control.

"Ah. Good. Me too." Garak walks very deliberately to the couch and sits down, close to Julian but not too close.

Miles takes a seat across from them. "Garak? Are you okay, there?"

"Yes. Luckily I have a very strong contishue… consitution." He holds up one finger. "Con-sti-tu-tion."

Julian sits up and looks at him more closely. "What did you drink? Or take?"

"I found the rest of your whisky. It really is very smooth, isn't it?" Garak turns to him and their eyes meet. There's fireworks in his chest again. There's a magnetic force that wants to pull them together.

"Julian. Julian!" Miles barks.

"Miles!" Julian snaps backward.

"Shall I get you both a coffee before either of you says or does anything you'll regret in the morning?"

"Yes please." He bites his lip. This is getting perilously close to talking about the thing they're not supposed to talk about. They sit silently while they wait for coffee, trying not to make eye contact but occasionally stumbling into it anyway. Once the mug is in his hand, Julian tries to focus on that instead.

"I'm going to bed," Miles announces. "Try to behave yourselves."

Garak watches him go into Julian's room and his breath quickens. "Are you two sharing a bed, now, too?"

"What? No, I said I'd stay on the couch. I'm just being hospitable. I've got more guests than spare rooms."

"Would you prefer one of us stayed elsewhere?"

"No! No, I'm perfectly happy right here. I've got a blanket and a cushion and I'll be very comfortable."

"You talked to him about me."

"I will neither confirm or deny that statement."

"He's very protective of you."

"Are you trying to trick me into saying something I shouldn't?"

"You're being very evasive." Garak sounds frustrated.

"Well, I learnt from the best. I thought you didn't want to talk about this?"

"Whatever gave you that impression?"

"Mostly the fact that you've avoided talking about it. I'm doing my best at interpreting all your hints and obfuscations, but if you start blurring where the boundaries lie, it's going to get very confusing."

"Ah, but my good doctor, you love the challenge. That's what makes it all so exciting for you. Someone who can rival your superior intellect. Is it as fun for you as one of your holosuite programs? If I tell you the truth, will you lose interest in the mystery?"

"You don't believe in truth. I don't think you've given me a straight answer to any question I've ever asked you, so why start now?"

"Maybe I just want to hear you ask the question."

They're staring at each other now, and Julian can feel the heat rising between them, the magnetic pull. Miles was right, arguing is flirting. Seeing Garak express his actual feelings instead of concealing them is like seeing him naked. He really should step away, but it's as real and as passionate as their kiss and he doesn't want to, he needs something to hold onto. So he lets his voice get louder, lets the frustration come out in the bite of his words.

"Yes, because even that gives you more information, doesn't it? And information is power and even though you don't want to admit that there's something to admit, you're starting to feel powerless that I won't admit it either."

"I'm admitting nothing!" Garak snaps. "I'm saying nothing, I'm doing nothing! We have nothing to admit, no actions, no promises. We are nebulous, and mysterious, like shifting sands. And even if there was something to admit, how would either of us go about it when we've spent so many years acting as if it wasn't there?"

Julian inhales. "Years?"

"Garak!" They both turn to see Miles standing in the doorway half dressed. "Julian's not ready for this. Give it a rest. You're drunk, go to bed."

Garak stands up, looks from one to the other. He takes a deep breath. "My apologies. I didn't intend to lose my composure like that. I'll see you both in the morning."

"Wait," Julian says as he starts to walk away.

Garak pauses and turns, and for a moment there's the most beautiful look of hope on his face.

"Get some water. That whisky will give you a terrible hangover, otherwise."

"Thank you." He goes to the replicator and takes the water and the coffee back to his room.

Miles looks at Julian and sighs. "I changed my mind. I'm taking the couch, you take the bed."

"I told you, it's fine."

"I'm not taking no for an answer. I still don't trust him. Who's to say he won't sneak in here in the middle of the night and make you do something stupid?"

"He won't. I won't."

"He would. You would. All he has to do is smirk at you and it's like I can see all the sense flying out of your head. If I'm going to have to chaperone the pair of you until you've figured out what you actually want, then I'm going to bloody well chaperone you. Now get some water and get in the bedroom."

"Thank you, Miles. You're a good friend."

Julian feels fine the next morning. He gets up and dresses quickly because he's excited to spend time with his friends, but as he's about to come out of the bedroom he hears them talking.

"I don't know whatever kind of game you're playing, but in our culture, consent is important," Miles is saying. "And if a person is drunk or vulnerable, that's not consent, that's taking advantage."

"What do you mean by vulnerable?"

"I dunno, like if they're upset or someone they cared about just died. Or if they're facing a major life changing decision like whether to move to another planet."

"So if you thought your companion was impaired by emotional distress, you would cease any advances even if they appeared to be enjoying it?"

"Yes. Especially if you actually care about them. Because when someone is vulnerable like that, their ability to make an informed decision is compromised, and you don't want them to wake up in the morning with regrets."

"Interesting point of view. And somewhat enlightening. Though I might counter that a grown man can make his own decisions."

"And a friend should respect those decisions, even when the decision is not yet."

There's a pause. Julian's starting to wonder if Miles is being too direct and it's going to burst the beautiful bubble of their courtship game. But then Garak speaks again.

"You're very protective of him. I understand that. You're very close. But what Julian and I share is… unique. And, quite frankly, none of your concern."

"I'm his best friend. It's completely my concern. I'm the one who'll be picking up the pieces if you break his heart."

"You think I have that much influence over him?"

Suddenly Julian understands why Garak is being so uncharacteristically agreeable. It's an interrogation technique. He could walk out now before Miles spills their entire conversation the night before, but a part of him wants Garak to know how he feels so he keeps listening on the other side of the door.

"Without a doubt. He's invested. That's why he's agreed to come on this mission."

"He's coming on the mission because he's a good man. Because he helps people."

"There are plenty of other planets that have been hit by this war. He could have gone to any one of them. He's coming to Cardassia because that's where you want him. How long he ends up staying there is a question that he's giving serious consideration. And I'm not going to let him throw away all he's worked for in his career for a drunken misunderstanding. So, unless your intentions are equally serious, I suggest you take a step back and let him down gently."

"And if my intentions are serious?"

"Don't rush it. He needs to be sure. So do you."

"You're really not afraid of me, are you?"

"Are you kidding? You're terrifying. But you're also his friend. And I've been through enough to be able to face my fears."

"Indeed. You once hated my people. Now you're going to help them. I can't help but wonder why."

"Same reason Nerys came to help you lead your rebellion. Because it was the right thing to do. And because she's the one who asked; she's family."

Julian leans on the door and sheds a few tears because he feels so deeply cared for. He breathes and lets himself feel all of it, and waits for the conversation to move on so it won't be quite so obvious that he's been eavesdropping.

*

They have what's possibly the most awkward breakfast together, except not, because even though none of them are talking about the thing they're all painfully aware of, everyone knows that they're here because they care. It's not just romantic potential, it's friendship and duty and compassion.

Miles is clearly proud of his cadets. They've all got the minds for it, and they've been studying schematics on the journey. He smiles when he describes the test he put them through for selection. He gave his class twenty-four hours to come up with useful devices from various pieces of Cardassian salvage. The human came up with all sorts of creative ideas, and the Vulcan helped with the practical details to make them into reality. The Trill showed a good understanding of the principles behind the tech, not just seeing the differences from Federation technology but being able to switch his perspective and see why it would be done that way. The Betazoid listened to everyone on her team and managed to get them working well together to create something not just functional but useful in context.

"Having a good team isn't just about having all the best engineers. You need a group with balance."

Garak is mostly quiet, as if he's decided to take the advice and back off. Julian isn't so easily fooled. This is tactical. Everything Garak does is tactical. Still, it does feel… sweet. Like another coded message. Which of course implies he knows Julian overheard their conversation, which is an entirely probable deduction for him to make. It's all those layers that make this so fascinating, and makes Julian's stomach flip over every time their eyes meet.

Miles sets out to put the cadets through their paces. Julian says he's going to the infirmary to tie things up and see how much equipment he can get away with "borrowing" for the trip. "If you've got nothing else planned, you're welcome to keep me company. You can advise me on what we're most likely to need."

"I'm not sure how much help I'll be. If you'd rather have some time to yourself, I can find something to keep me occupied."

"I left you to your own devices yesterday and you got drunk on Irish whisky. I don't think I trust you to be left alone."

It's a pleasant day. They banter but don't get into any more heated arguments. The passion is left to simmer under the surface. It feels good. Hopeful. The tasks help him to focus on where he's going and why he's doing it. Garak insists they make the most of lunch before they get stuck eating "reconstituted rubble." It feels like a date to Julian, but not like any date he's had before. He doesn't have to try and be extra charming, and there's no expectation of a bed together at the end of it. They just enjoy the food, and each other's company, and then go back to the infirmary and keep raiding supplies. By the time they've finished up that evening, they've got four crates full, and a stack of isolinear rods with the data on Cardassian biology he got from Enabran Tain.

They get a message from Quark asking them to meet him at the bar. He tells them the ship will be arriving tomorrow and wants a quick turnaround, so they should be ready with whatever they want to take with them in the docking bay by oh-nine-hundred.

Julian sighs and looks around. "Quark, I need three glasses of champagne. We're drinking a toast before I leave."

"Is the Chief joining you?"

"One's for you. You've made this whole thing possible."

"Alright then. I'll drink to that." He gets the drinks and they all hold them up.

"To Deep Space Nine. I came here looking for adventure and I found so much more than that. Here's to what's behind and what's ahead."

They touch their glasses and drink. "You make it sound like you're not coming back," Quark says suspiciously.

"Would you miss me if I didn't?"

"What am I gonna do with all those empty holosuites?"

"I'm sure you'll figure something out."

He knocks back his drink and wanders off muttering.

Julian contemplates the bubbles in his glass until he can feel Garak's eyes on him. He looks up.

There's always mischief in Garak's smile, schemes or deceptions or the simple pleasure he takes in keeping a secret. This smile isn't any of that. It's simply soft. Warm.

"Garak."

"I'm not saying anything."

"You don't need to. I don't think I need to, either."

"It's good that we understand each other."

They're standing side by side. Julian moves his hand and lets his fingers brush against the back of Garak's. He watches Garak inhale, feels his fingers move in response and twine into his briefly before letting go.

They finish their champagne in silence.

"We should head back," he says, putting his empty glass on the bar.

Garak nods. "We've got a big day tomorrow. We should make sure we have everything packed before bed."

"Yes. If I'm honest, I'm a little nervous," Julian admits as they start walking. "It's always the waiting that's the hardest part."

Garak chuckles. "I know what you mean."

"I meant about the mission."

"Oh? Well then, so did I."

Then step into the turbo lift and avoid looking at each other again. Julian sighs. "This is ridiculous. We both-"

"Don't." Garak holds up a hand. "Just don't. I know it feels like torture now, but it has the potential to be so much worse."

"And what? If it doesn't work out how you want, you want to be able to make yourself believe it was never anything?"

Garak breathes slowly. "I don't recommend you try to goad me into another argument. I'm not sure even I have that much self restraint."

"I'm sorry. It's just all a little… overwhelming. I'm finding it difficult to think clearly."

Garak smiles again, and the mischief is back. "It bodes well for me that you feel that way. And as tempting as it is to take advantage of that, I have a feeling your friend wouldn't think twice about adding one more Cardassian to his body count if I did. It will get easier when we've both got work to focus on."

"I hope so. I wouldn't want you to risk the wrath of Miles Edward O'Brien."

Their eyes meet and this time, neither of them looks away. It feels like this is their last chance to do something before it all becomes too real. Julian wants to give in, to take the risk. Just one kiss, so that whatever happens when they get there, he'll still have this. He steps closer and lifts a hand to reach out. Garak doesn't move an inch. But just before they touch, the lift comes to a halt and the doors open.

Julian hesitates just a moment too long and realises he can't. It wouldn't be fair. He turns and walks out. "I'm sorry," he says again. "Walk with me?"

Garak quickly falls in step beside him. Their fingers flutter against each other and this time Julian doesn't let him go. This is enough. It has to be enough. Just to walk slowly down a corridor, holding hands and his heart racing with desire.

When they get to his quarters, Miles is already there. They detach their hands quickly. Julian's both frustrated and relieved. He goes to his room and starts putting clothes into a bag, along with a pillow and a couple of his favourite books. He doesn't need much. He'll have to come back at some point, even if it's just to clear out his things.

He stares at the bag and realises that he wants this to work. He's had seven years of adventure and holosuites and relationships that never felt quite right. What he has with Garak is unique and he may never find anything like it again. It's only been a week since that kiss that changed everything, but every day his feelings get stronger.

It's just that he needs to know he can make a life there. He needs to know he'll be accepted as a doctor in a world where women dominate the sciences. He needs to know if he'll adapt to the culture. If he can cope with the heat. He needs to know that his passion won't burn itself out once he's faced with a planet that's grieving.

He needs to know that Garak's feelings are more than a symptom of his own grief, too. That thought is the most terrifying one of all.

He puts Kukalaka on top of the bag. "We've got this, old friend. Taking risks, feeling our feelings. And if I do get my heart broken, you'll help me put the pieces back together, won't you?"

*

Kira escorts them to the dock and hugs them all goodbye. Garak seems surprised by this, but accepts it with good grace. Her hug with Miles lasts longer. He asks her to keep an eye on the plants and she promises to take good care of them.

The transport arrives on time and they get loaded up quickly. It's a lot bigger than a runabout, with two guest cabins in addition to the crew quarters. Miles sends the cadets into one and the three of them head into the other. It's not much more than a closet, with two beds stacked on top of each other on one side, and two more on the other. Garak takes one look at the bunks and heads back to the cargo hold.

"Is he okay?" Miles asks, confused.

"Of course not," Julian says simply. "He's going back to hell. It's going to be hard for all of us, but he's lost everything."

"Well, if I were going to hell again, then the only person I'd want with me is you."

"Not Keiko?"

"And watch her suffer? No way. You, on the other hand, like that kind of thing. Go to him. I won't even chaperone."

"I don't know if even I can cheer him up right now."

"You don't have to. You just have to be there so he's not going through it alone."

He dumps his bag on one of the beds and pulls out his teddy bear. "Maybe I can at least find a way to distract him."

Garak is sitting on the floor with his back against a pile of supply crates, taking deep breaths. Julian sits down next to him and offers him the bear.

Garak just stares at it. "What is that?"

"You don't have to pretend you don't know."

"I'm not. Seriously, why do you have it and why are you showing it to me?"

"Are you telling me that you researched me thoroughly enough to know how I take my tea, but in seven years you never once discovered anything about my very first patient?"

"I'm fairly certain that's not a patient."

"His stuffing was coming out. I sewed him back together."

"Where?"

"On the back of his left leg."

Garak takes the toy and examines the place in question. "That's terrible stitching."

"I was five. It was before my upgrades, and my dexterity wasn't what it is now. If you look at the places where I rejoined his arms and right ear, it's much neater."

He looks at the seams and carefully compares the ears. "That's impressive. Although the next time he falls apart, I'd recommend a ladder stitch instead of a whip stitch; it'll give you a smoother join."

"Maybe you could teach me. I'd like that."

"I'd like that too." He keeps hold of the toy and runs his fingers over its face. "It's so soft."

"Didn't you ever have a soft toy?"

"I had toys. Just not soft ones."

"We give them to children as comfort items. Most people grow out of them, but I kept mine because it was important to me. It got me through some very frightening times."

"And now you're bringing it to Cardassia."

Julian leans a little closer and says quietly, "His name is Kukalaka."

"He's not human shaped."

"He's a bear. They're large wild animals, strong and dangerous. Don't ask me why we give children small, soft versions of terrifying animals. It's simply a tradition."

"To take away the fear."

"Is it working?"

"It’s got me thinking about other things. You brought him here to distract me."

"It seemed a less risky method than other distraction techniques I could have used."

"I appreciate your forethought." He sighs and rubs Kukalaka's ears. "I'm not used to anyone helping me."

"Help requires trust, so that you can express vulnerability. That's not a luxury you've had for most of your life, I imagine."

"That would be a logical assumption in my line of work. But here we are."

"Are you saying you trust me?"

"I'm saying I'm grateful that you're here now. For a variety of reasons. Although…"

"What?"

"I don't suppose you've got any more of that lovely sedative?"

Julian chuckles. "I'm keeping it for emergencies. Besides, I don't think you need it. We've got a nice big room to sit in, and company, and these crates make surprisingly good backrests. And now you've got Kukalaka, too. Just to borrow. I will want him back."

"I wouldn't dream of separating such a well established partnership."

He smiles. It would be nice to just lean into Garak's shoulder, to settle into a comfortable, tactile companionship. But it would be unfair to start blurring the boundaries. Once they get there, there will be plenty to do and it will get easier. Until then, he needs to keep things in the friend zone. Or at least as close to the friend zone as two people who both know they have feelings for each other can be.

As they sit quietly, he notices Garak's breath start to get shallower again. He doesn't say anything, but makes his own breath audible and even, and slowly Garak falls into rhythm with him.

"Are you going to sit here with me for the entire trip?"

"I don't have anywhere else I need to be. And I'm not going anywhere until I get my teddy bear back. He was kidnapped before and I wasn't happy about it."

Garak holds it close against his chest. "Who kidnapped your bear?"

"The queen of the Ferengi."

"You're making that up."

"It's completely true." He tells the tale in the most elaborate way possible. Nog and Jake are two youths on a quest to discover the elixir of life. They seek a boon but it will only be granted if they rescue Kukalaka.

Garak seems to find it hilarious. "It sounds almost as plausible as one of my tales."

"I have learned from the master."

"I do feel better. But under no circumstances am I getting into that cupboard they call a bunk."

"Understandable. If you get tired, though, let me know. I'll fetch you a blanket and pillow."

"And what will you do, curl up next to me?"

Julian's mouth opens and a strangled sound comes out. Without looking at Garak, he closes it, clears his throat and tries again. "As tempting as that sounds, I don't think our chaperone would approve."

"So you would otherwise."

"I might. If I let temptation get the better of me. And then I might risk letting myself getting drawn into further temptations and…" he sighs.

"You'd start asking me to taste you again?"

"I didn't ask-" he cuts himself off quickly and bites back the urge to get drawn into an argument. "That never happened."

"Of course."

"This whole thing was your idea."

"Was it?"

Julian groans. "If we're going to have a conversation about this, how about we have an actual conversation? Because as much as I usually enjoy figuring out your non-answers, I feel like we're going around in circles."

"If you tell me what you feel, do you think it will change anything?"

"No, but it would be pleasantly cathartic."

"Perhaps we should clear the air. It might help to ease the tension."

"You first."

"Oh, no, dear doctor, you obviously have a lot on your mind. I'm listening."

Julian pulls one leg up and leans on it. "I have feelings for you. Big, passionate feelings. Something changed on Risa, and it wasn't just because we kissed. I can't stop thinking about you, or about how much more we could be to each other. I want so desperately to give in to those feelings, but I know if I do I'm going to get even more deeply attached and then if I do have to leave, it's going to be even worse, just like you said."

There's a pause before Garak answers, and it's a heavy one. When he does speak, his voice sounds cold and distant. "I thought about it too, on Risa. I wondered what it would be like to escape and start a life with you somewhere new. Because I could now. I'm finally free. Everyone who wanted me dead, is dead. It should be satisfying but there's no joy in your enemies' demise when it's also the demise of everything that I've ever loved. To have spent so long in exile, only to return home to this… I can't leave. I can only help rebuild, and it's grim work. So yes, I came looking for you, and yes, I manipulated you. I kissed you because I'm broken and desperate. And I keep playing the game because I need some scraps of joy to get me through this wasteland. This isn't some happy ever after. I'm long past any hope of that. I just wanted to believe, at least for a little while, that it was possible."

The words hit Julian hard and he doesn't have a chance to get his shields up. "What you're going through is bigger than anything I can imagine. And I was foolish not to consider this from that perspective. I'm sorry." He stands up and holds out his hand. Garak gives him Kukalaka and he walks back to his berth.

Miles is lying on an upper bunk, reading. Julian drops into the lower one on the other side of the room, face buried in his pillow and tries his best to swallow his sobs.

Miles props his head up. "I take it that didn't go so well."

"I'm an idiot."

"Only when it comes to matters of the heart. We've all got to have some flaws. What happened?"

Julian turns his head to speak to him. "I pushed him into talking about it because I couldn't wait, and it's a good job I did. I really thought there was a chance it could be something real. It felt real. But apparently he's just playing games."

"What makes you think that?"

"Because he said so. He said he's broken and desperate, and he's manipulating me as part of some game to distract himself, but that it was never going to have a happy ending."

"Garak said that?"

"Yes."

"Garak?"

"Yes."

"In those exact words?"

"More or less. I'm an idiot."

"You are if you're going to take anything that man says at face value."

Julian sits up, still clutching his bear. "You think he's bluffing again?"

"Like I said. It's Garak. Does he ever do anything else?"

"So what do you think it means?"

"Well I'm not the one who's spent years learning to decipher his code, but I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark and say he's doing that thing where he pushes you away because he thinks he's going to hurt you in the long run."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

"I am an idiot. How do I fix this?"

Miles digs in his bag and pulls out a couple of ration packs and bottles of water. "You take him lunch. And pretend it never happened."

Julian stands up and takes the food. "He really does care about me, doesn't he?"

"He's completely besotted, mate. He's also really bloody messed up and hasn't got a clue what he's doing. Go charm him. Make sure he knows waiting for you is worth it."

Julian hesitates. "But that sounds like a promise, doesn't it? What if it's a promise I can't keep?"

"Think carefully. Is there anything you can imagine happening that would actually stop you from trying to be with him at this point?"

"I don't know. Maybe, if the other Cardassians decided they didn't want humans involved and tried to evict or kill me."

"Do you think Garak would let that happen?"

He scoffs. "Not a chance. What if it turns out I'm crap at Cardassian medicine?"

"You honestly think you could be?"

"What if I just can't stand the heat?"

"Then I'll build you a bloody icebox! You know how you want this to go. You can make it work, you just need some time to get your head around it."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I saw your face just now when you thought it was over. Now go get your man."

He nods and heads back to the cargo hold, where he drops down beside Garak again and hands him a ration pack. He doesn't draw attention to the fact that Garak's eyes are tinged with red.

"You came back," he notes quietly.

"Yes. Sorry. I forgot who I was talking to for a minute there."

"What's this?"

"Lunch. It's what we do."

"I see." He opens the pack and nibbles at it. "Why are we eating field rations?"

"Because that's what Chief O'Brien thinks counts as a packed lunch." Julian offers him the water bottle. "By the way, I figured something out."

"What?"

"This thing between us is like a Cardassian novel. The ending is inevitable. But that doesn't count as a spoiler, because the fun part is seeing how we get there."

Garak smiles. "Or a criminal trial."

"Exactly. So do me a favour and don't try to push me away again. It was quite upsetting until I worked out what you actually meant."

"I'm intrigued how you decided to interpret it."

"You really want me to say it out loud?"

"Yes. But I reserve the right to refuse to tell you that you're right."

"In that case, I think you wanted me to see how much you're hurting, because you trust me enough to be vulnerable around me. And you wanted to feel in control of the situation, but most of all, I think you wanted me to know that in spite of everything, I make you feel happiness and hope. And you aren't comfortable with that in the slightest."

"It's an interesting interpretation." He takes another nibble of his ration bar. "I believe I could make an entire garment out of scraps."

"I believe you could. And not only that, I think it would be just as beautiful as any of your other creations. Maybe even more so." Julian considers for a moment, then reaches out and takes his hand. Their fingers curl around each other and the hope settles back into something real.

*

Reality hits quickly when they land on Cardassia. The first thing Julian notices is the heat, and the second thing he notices is the smell. Unwashed bodies and poor sanitation and death. He refuses to bring his hand to his face. The cadets aren't quite so diplomatic. The Betazoid looks like she might faint. The Vulcan puts a hand on her arm. "Marielle? Are you alright?"

She blinks. "Yeah. Yeah, it's just… I need a minute to shield out the…"

Julian steps closer. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I'm okay. It just caught me by surprise. I mean I was expecting something like this, but it's stronger than I thought. I can manage." She closes her eyes, takes a meditative breath, and opens them again, already looking more composed. "Chief? Where do we start? A task to focus on would be helpful."

Miles looks at her. "When did you start calling me Chief?"

She blinks again, looking mortified. "I'm so sorry, sir. I must have picked it up on the station. And with the background noise, it just kinda floated to the surface."

"Oh no, carry on. I like it. Feels homely. In fact, while we're on this mission, you can all call me Chief. First job, get the supplies to the workshop. We do have a workshop, don't we Garak?"

"You can use my dining room. And we can set up an infirmary at the house too. Unfortunately, the actual hospital was targeted so we'll have to make do with what we've got. I've got rooms for all of you to stay in. It's going to be a little more crowded than I first imagined, but luckily it's a large house."

"Are we sharing?" Marielle asks. "I don't mind if we are. I liked having roommates at the Academy."

"You might need to move around some of the furniture, but I don't see why not."

They find some locals to help carry the supplies. Garak seems to be some kind of authority figure, and everyone they meet seems pleased to see him again.

"I can just picture it," Julian says. They each hold one end of one of the larger crates. "After the battle, everyone is lost and grieving, and you show up and start telling them what to do, and getting them organised so they can live again."

"I may have made a suggestion or two. But I like your version. Maybe I should get you to write my biography."

Julian laughs. "I'd need to write seven different versions, at least. Or maybe I could roll from one variation into the other, and call it a repetitive epic. The lives of Elim Garak: forty-two tales of duty and sacrifice."

"It sounds like a book I'd enjoy."

It's strange seeing Garak talk to the other Cardassians. There's pain behind his eyes even as his face lights up.

A woman named Daska says she'll give them some time to get settled in, but she's arranged a meeting for later this evening so he can catch up on how things have progressed since he's been away.

They drop the supplies into the appropriate rooms and regather in the front hall. "So, welcome to my family home. There's limited power, no running water, and though you may find a few areas of disrepair, I'm almost certain it's still structurally sound."

"Thank you, Garak. It's very good of you to host us," Julian says.

"It's the least I can do. Now that the rituals of hospitality are complete, let's get to work. Chief, where do you want to start?"

"I say we get Julian set up first, so he can start treating people. Then we'll get a couple more replicators on the go and see what we can do about water and power. From the look of things, I'll say there's more than enough work to keep us here for quite a while."

They get their infirmary set up in what used to be the large kitchen. It's on the ground floor of the house, and accessible by a side entrance so that patients can come and go without intruding in the rest of the home. Word of their arrival has spread quickly, and the first patients start turning up that afternoon. They're gathering outside, but seem reluctant to come in, so Julian goes out to meet them.

A tall, lean man in armour comes to stand between him and the rest of the crowd. "Federation," he says with a snarl.

"Yes. Federation. But also a friend of Garak. I'm here to help however I can."

"Why should we trust you?"

"Because the way you're holding your left arm across your chest makes me think that you've got a dislocated shoulder. And the scuff marks on your clothes make me think that you've tried, unsuccessfully, to shove it back in yourself. Now, as my good friend O'Brien will tell you, I've got a certain proficiency with shoulders, and if you'll let me, I can slide it right back in right here and now."

"Prove it."

Julian steps closer and takes hold of the arm. "This will hurt, but if you can bear it, I can save the painkillers for those that need them more."

The man nods. Julian lifts, rotates and moves his arm. His eyes widen and he grunts.

"There. How's that?"

He moves it carefully. "Better."

"Anyone else?"

A woman steps forward with a baby in her arms. Julian takes them inside.

*

 

The next few days go by in a whirlwind. He's up early and working late. Most of the cases are simple injuries that have gone untreated and escalated. There are also a few viruses going around that are easily dealt with. A couple of nurses and a midwife hear that he's set up a clinic and come to help. He keeps munching on ration bars and monitors his fluid intake so he doesn't collapse.

At the end of the first week, Miles and his team present him with a medical grade replicator. He thanks them in tears because his supply of antibiotics ran out the day before. They decide he needs a break and tell him to get a full twelve hours rest. He goes and knocks on Garak's bedroom door.

Garak opens it and smiles at him. "This is a pleasant surprise."

"I've been told I need a break. I wondered if you'd like to try out my new replicator and join me for dinner?"

"I think I have space in my calendar."

"Wonderful. I'm just going to take a few minutes to freshen up. I'll be right back."

Julian's room is right next door. He washes his face and torso with a bowl of water and changes his undershirt, and takes a moment to sit down before he puts his shoes and jacket back on. The beds in Cardassian homes, it turns out, aren't half as uncomfortable as the ones installed for soldiers on the station. This one is large enough to spread out on, and there's wonderful heavy blankets which he only uses one at a time because even the nights are warm here.

And then he wakes up, not even having realised that he'd laid down. He rubs his eyes and notices that it's gotten dark outside.

"Ah, back with us already?" Garak teases from an armchair in the corner of the room.

Julian shrieks in surprise, then sighs as he realises it's just Garak, then gets himself tangled in the blankets as he tries to sit up. He definitely didn't get under any covers. "Garak, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep. How long was I out?"

"Only an hour or so. I heard you moving around from my room, and then it went quiet and I deduced what had happened. You're exhausted."

He tries to deny it, but breaks into a yawn instead.

"So, I've brought dinner to you. Your new replicator seems to have managed a decent sushi, but we'll have to taste it to see if the soy sauce is as good as the one on Risa." He picks up two plates and brings them over to the bed. "May I?"

"I'd say be my guest, but I'm already yours." He takes a bite of the food as Garak sits down. "Mm. Not bad."

"We're only supposed to be making basics to save on power, but I figured you're owed more as you've been on ration bars for most of the week."

"And you might as well help me indulge myself."

"Precisely." Garak dips his roll and pops it in his mouth.

"I've missed you, Garak. In those rare and brief moments when I had enough time to pause and think."

"I thought about coming in to see you, but I've had a lot to think about too."

"It's only downstairs."

"I passed by at least once a day, but you always seemed to have your hands full, and I didn't want to intrude."

"It wouldn't be intruding. Honestly, it might be helpful. I'm terrible at saying no to patients, and you could glare at them and tell them the doctor needs to eat too or he'll be no good to anyone."

"I suppose I could do that. You spent two weeks bullying me into eating, it seems like a good opportunity for revenge. How is it down there?"

"Hard work. Half the patients who turn up still don't fully trust me. At first about ten percent of the treatments I tried didn't work on Cardassian biology, but I'm adapting and that's dropping day by day. There's always someone waiting by the door, and I'm doing my best to triage according to need, but sometimes it's a long wait. My feet are sore, my back aches… but it's more fulfilling than anything else I've ever done. My second patient was a baby with a respiratory infection. If we'd arrived two days later, that child may have died. I'm seeing people who've been struggling in pain walk out with smiles on their faces. I'm seeing to people's basic needs, and it's satisfying because it makes a real difference."

"You're actually quite popular, you know. People are talking about you. Word is spreading."

"I'll be busy for a while then."

"Yes. But you'll gradually clear the backlog and things will ease up. How would you feel about taking on some apprentices once it starts to settle? I've got a few who would be interested."

"I'd need to interview them, but potentially, yes. Although I've never had the chance to teach so I don't know if I'd be any good at it."

"My dear doctor, you can dispense with the false humility. You can do anything you put your mind to, and you know it."

"Well, nothing I've seen so far makes me averse to the idea of staying on a longer term basis. Except I may have to reconsider my uniform. I'm practically roasting."

"Now that's one problem I can definitely help you with."

"Oh? Breaking the sewing kit out again?"

"Why not?"

They go quiet for a minute. Julian yawns again.

"I should let you get some sleep."

"Garak?"

"Yes?"

"Would you… stay?" He watches Garak inhale and exhale.

"I don't want to rush into anything that you're not ready for."

"I don't mean… I'm not ready for that. But I have missed you. And I'd like to know you're nearby, even if all we do is sleep."

"The cargo hold was different. If I lie down next to you here, in my home, in a real bed, I'm going to want to hold you. And if I hold you I'm going to want to kiss you. And if I kiss you… well. You can imagine."

"I already have."

"Julian. You have a terrible habit of moving boundaries. And as much I enjoy this back and forth dance, the closer we get the more difficult it is to resist you. I am not a good man, doctor. If you present me with an opportunity, I will take advantage of it. So you need to be very sure of what you're asking."

"I understand. Maybe I should just get some sleep."

"I think that's best. But I will come to see you for lunch tomorrow." Garak takes his hand. "Think how quickly this week has gone. And how much you're enjoying your work. The time will fly by, and you'll find you're ready sooner than you think. Until then, this is enough."

Julian runs his thumb over Garak's knuckles. It's not nearly enough, and they both know it. He can't even say why he's not ready anymore, because it all feels like excuses. All he knows is that he needs more time.

Garak squeezes his hand and lets go, leaving him alone to finish his meal. He doesn't have much of an appetite now, but eats as much as he can and then strips off his clothes and gets under an embroidered blanket, where he starts to imagine all the things that might have happened if Garak stayed until he falls asleep.

*

The next day a young lad comes in with a badly infected wound on hand. He can't be more than eight or nine years old, and he says his name is Dukat with an air of pride. "My mother named me."

"And where is your mother now?"

"At home. With my brothers and sisters. Ow!"

"Sit still. Your wound needs to be cleaned before I can seal it. How did you get this, anyway? It looks like a bite."

"My little brother. We were just playing. He was pretending to be a Klingon."

"I see. Did you defeat him?"

"What kind of a question is that? He was a Klingon."

"Well, aren't you just full of that indomitable Cardassian spirit?"

"It might not seem like it now, but we're still strong."

"Damn right you are. The people I've met on this planet are some of the strongest I've seen. And I've seen a lot of places."

"Did you see the Jem'Hadar?"

"They were weak by comparison. They didn't know how to heal. You, young Dukat, have got a special kind of strength called resilience, which means you keep going even when things get very hard. Even when it hurts. I admire you for that. There. All clean. Have you had a hypospray before?"

"What's that?"

"It's a kind of medicine to get rid of the infection. It's going to tingle when I put it on your hand. Then I can use the dermal regenerator to get rid of that bite mark."

"Go on then."

He does exactly as he described, and little Dukat examines and pokes at his hand. "It's like it never happened."

"That's the kind of doctor I am. So if any of your brothers or sisters get hurt, tell your mother to bring them to me. Oh and take these with you." He hands over a few ration bars. "They're more filling than they look, and they'll keep you strong."

"Full of resilience."

"Exactly. Now run home to your mother."

He watches the boy run off and hears footsteps behind him. He turns to see Garak waiting. "Is it lunchtime already?"

"Yes. In fact, it's a late lunch. Do I need to go and glare at anyone?"

"I'll just let Tulia know I'm off for a bit."

He makes sure his nurse is happy to cover, replicates some meals and sits down to eat with Garak at a low table in the living room. "I'm worried about that boy," he admits.

"Little Dukat? He'll do alright."

"I think he was lying about his mother. I think he might be on his own."

"You're right about his mother. He's an orphan. But he's far from alone. He's collected at least half a dozen stray children and he makes sure they're taken care of as best he can."

"I'd ask how you know, but that's what you do here, isn't it?"

"It's part of it."

"Why doesn't anyone take him in?"

"If we took him in, who would look after the others?"

"He's just so young."

"Yes, but he's strong. We could split them all up and send them to different families, to mothers grieving the loss of their own children or spouses, but shared hardship forms a significant bond. They're family now. The community is watching them, of course, and they are protected whether they know it or not. But young Dukat will grow up with resilience, and with a strong sense of duty, and with passion to do what's right, and that's the kind of leadership we will need in this new world."

"It still feels cruel. To force a child to live like that."

"I know." Garak stares at his plate. "And what's worse, I bear responsibility. I'm the one who enabled the rebellion. I'm the reason our planet is in tatters."

Julian reaches out towards him across the table, and takes his hand. "The Dominion were the ones who sent in the troops."

"Yes, but if there was no rebellion, they'd have had no reason to do so. This is why I don't believe in absolute truth. There's multiple sides to every story. Everyone chooses whichever version fits their way of thinking best. You have to find the one that makes sense to you."

"I suppose if I'm Prime Directive-ing this, it's not up to me to demand you change the way you treat your orphans, even if it does feel like hard Darwinism. But I can continue to be there when he needs me, and offer whatever support I can."

"Does it change anything about how you feel about this place?"

"I don't think so. It doesn't come as a surprise, based on what I've already seen. But it does help me understand it better. Duty and sacrifice aren't empty things to your people. There's meaning for you in the greater good, and the sense of community that I've seen here is incredible."

"That's a healthy viewpoint. It will help you get through this nightmare you've volunteered yourself for."

"Volunteered?" He smiles. "I thought I was actively recruited."

Garak smirks. He gives his hand a light squeeze and then lets it go so they can keep eating. "Like I said, there's multiple sides to every story."

*

A few days later Garak turns up with a neatly folded bundle.

"What's this?" Julian asks, as soon as he's discharged his current patient.

"Your new uniforms, as promised."

He takes the item from the top of the pile and shakes it out. It's a loose linen tunic, mostly grey with the exact shade of science teal across the shoulders. It has a more open neckline than a Starfleet collar which makes sense in the heat, and a reinforced patch on the left side of the chest where he can attach his communicator. There's a pair of linen trousers in matching grey, and a black sash, presumably to use as a belt. "Garak, this is beautiful."

"There's three sets, to allow for laundering. I know grey usually means cadets, but you don't want to be wearing black on a sunny day on Cardassia. I know your ancestors came from a warmer climate, and incorporated elements of their traditional dress into the design."

"You researched what my ancestors wore and blended it with a Starfleet uniform and came up with this? It's perfect. Can I go and change now?"

Garak looks very pleased with his reaction. "It is made to be worn."

Julian runs upstairs to his room, and then stares at himself in the mirror. The fabric feels cool and breezy. The coloured section is exactly the right shape. It fits perfectly. It's Starfleet, and Cardassia, and home, and Garak made it just for him.

He walks back downstairs and can't help but twirl a little as he steps into the hall. Of course that's the exact moment that Miles comes out of his workshop.

"Now see, that's the kind of thing that's gonna make us all jealous of your tailor boyfriend."

Julian decides he's not going to get embarrassed about it and twirls again, watching his sash spin outwards. "I don't care. I feel pretty. And he's not my boyfriend. Yet."

"Right. How's things in the infirmary?"

"Still busy. How's your team?"

"Cadet Zahid had an idea for a solar powered air conditioning unit, and persuaded me it was a fair use of resources as we'll work much more efficiently if we're not sweating our balls off. And she actually said balls," he chuckles.

"You like them, don't you?"

"They're good kids. But don't tell them I said that."

"You picked a Betazoid. There's a good chance they already know."

"Crap. That explains why they're all so relaxed around me. Still, if it gets the work done I can't complain. Lex is looking into getting the water back on, and I'm looking forward to that, but it could take a while. Turns out one of his former hosts was a civil engineer."

"That's useful."

"Yeah, Garak's taking him to the water plant tomorrow, and rounding up local volunteers to help get it running."

"It is getting better, isn't it?"

"Slowly but surely. Now go show off to your future boyfriend how pretty you look."

Garak's expression when he sees the outfit is very smug. He steps closer and makes a show of adjusting the drape on Julian's shoulders though it's a blatant excuse to get close and touch him. Julian doesn't mind. It fills his stomach with butterflies again. They keep getting closer and it still feels right.

Every morning when he gets dressed, his heart does a little flutter and he smiles to himself thinking of Garak's hands touching the fabric that's now touching him.

One morning young Dukat stumbles back to the door, half carrying another child. He's pressing some kind of rag to a large gash on the side of the child's forehead. The other patients waiting quickly move out of the way. "Doctor!"

Julian takes the child into his arms and carries him to the bed. "It's okay. I can help. Tell me what happened."

"The floor crumbled and he fell through the hole. There was metal sticking out." His voice is oddly calm, like he's more focussed on doing the right thing than panicking. He's either very brave, deeply traumatised, or currently in shock. Or possibly all three.

The other child is whimpering. He looks to be about six years old. "This is a hypospray. It will help stop it hurting, okay?" The crying stops, but the poor boy still looks scared. "Did you see when Dukat hurt his hand? Were you the Klingon that bit him?"

He nods slowly.

"And did you see how I made it better? I'm going to do the same thing for you." Julian disinfects and seals the wound, and then takes care to clear away the dust and spilled blood from the rest of the child's face. "You're lucky you're not a human. If I'd hit my head like that it would have gone even deeper. I don't have your ridges to protect me."

"You're all smooth and squishy," the child says softly.

"I am," Julian laughs. "My name is Julian. What's yours?"

"Darik."

"Well, Darik, you're going to be just fine. Just watch where you step, okay?" He turns to Dukat. "You did the right thing bringing him here straight away. You're a great brother and you're doing a good job. Do you need any more food?"

"Doesn't everyone?"

"I'll get you some more field rations. They keep well. And I want you to know you can always come and ask me for more. My job is to make sure everyone is healthy, and children need nourishment to grow up strong. Food is medicine."

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone you're giving out extras."

He sends them on their way and gets himself a drink of water to take a moment before the next patient. Children are where the brutality of it all hits him the hardest.
It does get easier. He learns new things all the time. The nurses show him a few tricks that they take for granted, and the midwife fills in the gaps in his knowledge about Cardassian pregnancy. They have a few pregnant women who visit them, but none of them are due any time soon.

If he ever gets a spare moment, he spends it pouring over the files he got from Tain, in the original script and in translation. Tulia is helping him learn the language. He wants to make sure there's nothing in them he's missed. He thinks about how to apply that knowledge to his ongoing cases, because in addition to the walking wounded there are still people with long term illness that he doesn't yet have the facilities to treat. He needs a real hospital, with beds for prolonged care.

Time. It all comes down to time, and waiting.

He sees Garak almost every day, and there's no sign of his feelings waning. Watching him in his own environment is fascinating. It gives context to his personality and makes Julian appreciate him even more. Sometimes they walk through the city together, and Garak tells him how it used to be. It's beautiful and painful all at once. They hold hands for comfort. Julian can't take the pain away, but he helps him to grow around it.

More than a month after their arrival, Garak comes rushing into his infirmary. "Grab your kit, we need you. The building where Dukat has been hiding out with his friends has collapsed."

Julian grabs what he needs and they run. He calls out, but there's no answer. Others are gathered around the house, looking for a way in. The whole wall along one side is gone, a large section of the front is crumbling and the roof is still dropping tiles. He goes around the back and finds a window and a rock to smash it.

Garak grabs his arm as he moves towards it. "Be careful."

Julian squeezes his hand and nods, then smashes the window and steps carefully through to avoid the broken glass. "Dukat? Darik? It's me, Julian. If you can call out, it will help me find you."

He creeps deeper in, moving carefully. There's cracks in the walls. This place has been shifting gradually for the last few months and something finally gave way.

"Doctor?" The voice is small, and it comes from somewhere below.

"Stay where you are. I'm coming to get you."

"Julian?" It's Miles, coming in behind him.

"Here."

"There you are. Thought you might want backup. I'm surprised Garak didn't follow you in."

"Intense claustrophobia. He'd be no use to me if he's having a panic attack."

"Huh. That explains it. I've never seen him look so scared."

Julian finds some steps down. "Dukat? Are you there?"

"We're here."

The children are huddled together in the basement. There's something wrong with Dukat's arm, and another child he doesn't recognise is crying silently on the floor.

"It's okay. Dukat, can you be brave while I see to your sister?" Julian gets out his tricorder and scans the girl on the floor first. "Tib-fib fracture. That must hurt like hell. I'm going to give you something for the pain. I can't mend it here but I'll brace it so we can take you back to the infirmary and fix you there."

Everyone watches closely as he gives her the painkiller and straps up her leg. She stays quiet, which worries him. He checks over Dukat. "Hey Chief, you're not going to believe this," he says, hoping some light humour will dispel their fear.

"Don't tell me. Dislocated shoulder?"

"Are you a doctor too?" Dukat asks.

"Nah, just a regular patient. I pop my shoulder out like that about once a month. You're lucky, this guy's an expert when it comes to shoulders."

Julian gives him a shot of painkillers while Miles has him distracted. They nod at each other and Miles keeps him talking while he manipulates Dukat's arm.

"I usually do mine when I'm kayaking. It's like a little boat for one person, and I paddle it down a really fast river. How'd you do yours?"

"I tried to catch my sister when she fell. I got her but then my arm hurt and I let go and she hurt her leg."

"Hey, you did a good thing, though, don't be too hard on yourself. When that thing goes, it's almost impossible to hold onto anything, let alone another person. And if you hadn'a slowed her down, I bet she'd be hurt a lot worse."

Dukat winces as his shoulder goes back in, but the pain meds are clearly helping.

"Right, doc's gonna tell you to take it easy on that arm for a bit, and I can say from experience if you ignore him, you'll regret it. So do what he says."

"Yes, sir."

"You can call me Chief, everyone else does."

Julian scans the other children, but there's nothing but a few bumps and bruises, until he gets to the smallest child. Her temperature is high and her white blood cell count is low. "We need to get this one to the infirmary, too."

"That's Sahar. She's just tired. She feels sick a lot."

"I can help her feel better, but I'll need some special medicine. She might have to stay with me for a few days until she's well again."

"I think we all need somewhere else to stay."

"Luckily, I know a guy," Julian smiles.

With the adults' help, the children get safely out of the house. Miles carries Sahar as carefully as if she were one of his own children, while Julian helps support the girl with the broken leg. Garak sighs with relief and grabs Julian into a hug before either of them think about it. Julian holds him back tightly. "It's okay. I'm fine, the children are fine."

It's only as they both pull away that it starts to feel awkward. There's a reluctance to let go that seems highly inappropriate for the circumstances, and yet they can't help but linger for an extra second or two with their cheeks not quite touching.

"We'll talk later," Julian promises, their entwined fingers the last thing to part.

Once they're back home, he sets the broken bone and regenerates it, checks the mobility of Dukat's shoulder, and does a full blood panel for Sahar. It's a kind of blood cancer, as expected, and completely curable with the right kind of medication. He gets her started on a course of treatment and leaves Tulia to monitor her while he goes to find Garak.

He finds him in a meeting with Daska. "Is this about the children?" he asks.

They don't seem phased by his interruption.

"In a way," Daska says. "Today's incident was troubling. We're discussing how best to move forward."

"Move forward? Those children could have died today. They need better care."

"They need to learn to grow up strong."

"It doesn't matter how strong they are if they never grow up at all. That young girl has a disease which would have put her through a slow and painful death if we hadn't found her today." He turns to Garak. "Their home is gone. They need somewhere to stay. At least let them sleep here until Sahar is better. With the cadets sharing, we've got a spare room."

"Are we going to put all eight of them in a pile?"

"It's better than putting them out on the street!" He's getting emotional, but he's angry, and it's been a frightening afternoon, and a hard month and he just doesn't have it in him to let it slide.

Garak speaks coolly. "You cannot commit to taking in those children. You don't even know if you'll still be on this planet in six months' time."

"You're right, I can't. But I'm not sending them away either." He starts walking out.

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to keep them company."

He stops outside the door and tries to compose himself, realising that he's shutting himself down again, ignoring his feelings. Since he got here, he's been busy enough to keep from thinking about how devastating this whole situation is, how carefully balanced they are between life and death. He's helping to tip the scales in their favour, but he's an outsider. He doesn't have to carry the weight of what they've lost. But the thought of those children hiding in the basement, living hand to mouth, it hits him. It hits him so hard he wants to curl up and cry right there in the hall, but he can't. He has to take care of them because nobody else will.

"Doctor Bashir?"

He blinks and turns towards the voice. "Marielle? I'm sorry. I…"

"It's okay. I don't mean to intrude, it's just… you know. You're screaming inside your head, and I'm the only one who can hear it. You wanna talk?"

"Are you doing a counselling side hustle?" he jokes.

"Not really. Just a person, reaching out to another person, because we're all stuck in this together." She comes and leans on the wall beside him. "And we are in this together. We're all thinking the same things. It's hard. It's scary how hard it is. And it's okay to admit that."

"It's so hard," he agrees with a sigh. "It's so rewarding, but it's so hard."

"It's rewarding because it's hard. We are making a difference, but it comes at a cost. For you even more so."

"Because I'm dealing with the sick and injured."

"Because you're invested. We do our work for a while, we finish the job and go back home. You're trying to decide if you want to stay. If these people can be your people."

He gives in and sinks to the bottom of the wall. "Does everyone know about my romantic dilemma?"

"I haven't said anything. But yes, everyone knows. Neither of you are exactly subtle about it. And it's an unwritten rule that cadets have to gossip about their superiors."

"What do you think I should do?"

"I can't tell you that. Only you know what you want."

"What if I want something that can never exist?"

"Because you had one argument and now you're doubting everything?"

"Because there are fundamental differences in how we view things, in our values."

"You already knew that, though. As my new best friend would point out, you're being illogical. Go see those kids. Do what you need to do, and let him figure out his side of it. You can figure the rest out when you're not tired and overwhelmed."

"Thank you. I will."

He goes back to the infirmary and lets Tulia go home. He makes sure everyone has something to eat, then he sits on the floor with the children and tells them stories to distract them from their fears. They all have a different interpretation of the fairy tales, and it makes the stories feel fresh and interesting. Difference isn't so bad after all.

They do in fact curl up in a pile, using each other as pillows and sharing their warmth. Sahar looks lonely so he helps her down from the bed and lets her join her family. She's still got the monitoring device on her forehead.

They're all fast asleep when Garak comes in. Julian's sitting on the floor nearby, just watching.

"I'm sorry," Julian says. "I was angry at everything else, and I took it out on you. It wasn't fair."

Garak sits on the floor facing him. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

Julian tilts his head. "That's new. Where's this coming from?"

"It's been a difficult day. When you went into that building I thought it might fall down and crush you. And then, this evening, you were so angry I was afraid I'd lose you again, and I weaponised it."

"Garak, it sounds like you're trying to have an honest conversation. Are you feeling alright?"

"No. Not really. Have you changed your mind? Are you leaving?"

"No. I'm not leaving."

Garak breathes an enormous sigh. "Thank goodness for that. Because I've just been calling in favours left and right to sort this out."

"What do you mean?"

"No family is going to take in eight children this young. And splitting them up isn't an option either."

"I agree with that point now. They have a significant bond."

"I've found them a suitable house. One with no cracks and no skeletons and no squatters."

"Thank you. It's a good start."

"It's more than a start. I've also gone through the census we took of survivors and found a teacher who's willing to take on their education. She'll come to their house and give lessons, and also make sure that they're safe and healthy. It won't be an adoption. I'm not showing any favouritism or undue charity. I'm simply ensuring the success of the next generation."

Julian feels warmth spread all through his insides. He knows that whatever they end up having to face, they'll find a way through and back to each other. He's finally sure. "There he is."

He inches closer. He lifts his hand and touches Garak's cheek, caresses the ridges along his jaw line and moves his face close enough to feel the warm air of his breath and pauses there, drinking in the moment, leaving space for Garak to back out if he needs to.

They both move towards each other. Their lips touch. Garak puts a hand behind his head and pulls him in closer as they kiss, mouths opening, tongues meeting. Passion floods through them. Julian lets himself feel it and then forces himself to let go, to pull back a little but not far. He keeps their foreheads touching, and that feels different and wonderful, too.

"I'm sorry. I have the worst timing."

Garak's grinning. "You do. I had a whole list of things to do to you when you kissed me and I can't do any of them in front of the children."

Julian smiles and kisses him again, not as deeply this time but with all the sweetness and tenderness that's in his heart. "We will do all of those things and more soon, I promise. I'm sure now. I'm ready to commit to this, and once I realised that I just couldn't resist kissing you. But I really need to monitor Sahar tonight. You're more than welcome to keep me company, if you think you have enough self restraint."

"My dear doctor, I'm not going anywhere." He strokes his fingertips across Julian's forehead and down his cheek.

Julian closes his eyes and revels in the caress. "Hmm. So I'm not the only one who's fascinated by our differences."

"You're so soft and fragile looking. It makes me feel protective."

"I'm stronger than I look."

"So I've seen. When you lost your temper at me today, it was, quite possibly, the most attractive you've ever been. You said exactly what you believed, and you spoke up for those children, Cardassian children, and the only response I could make was to give you exactly what you wanted."

"You shouldn't have told me that. I might use it against you."

"You may well do. But the idea of being at your mercy is more appealing than you might think."

Julian looks at him carefully. "Interesting. So are you my brave protector or my willing servant?"

"My darling, that's what makes this so exciting," Garak smirks. "Who’s to say I can’t be both? And if you're asking what I think you're asking, then afraid you'll have to wait to find out."

They kiss again, and for a moment passion gets the better of them. They pull away breathless.

"We might need to slow down," Julian suggests. "I could grab a pillow, we could lie down and try to rest."

"That is not a scenario which would in any way be conducive to slowing down."

"Right. So we could lean against the cupboards and just be close and keep each other entertained with improbable stories all night long."

"That I might manage. So long as I get one more kiss first."

This kiss lasts somewhat longer than it should. They're both very mindful about where they put their hands, circling the edges of desire without getting lost in it. In the end Julian can't resist and starts to explore Garak's neck, feeling along his ridges with a gasp. Garak swallows a moan and grabs his wrist to move his hand away. "Now now. Maybe I should just go back to my room."

"No. I'll be good, I promise." They lock eyes for a few moments, long enough to feel the pull towards each other and make the effort to resist it. Julian stands up, stretches and goes to get a drink of water. He can't stop smiling. They find a comfortable spot and sit side by side, holding hands once more. Garak starts with a tale allegedly from his days training to be a spy, and Julian ponders its significance. They lean in towards each other until the sides of their heads are touching, and Julian gradually sinks down until he rests his head on Garak's shoulder. Even though he's a shade taller standing up, he's all legs and Garak's actually slightly taller sitting down. Of course his shoulder also feels different, and they both laugh as he experiments with a few positions and eventually settles with his head slightly in front of the ridges. Then he squirms because it's got him thinking about Garak's anatomy again.

He's dozing off when Sahar's monitor starts beeping. She rouses as he grabs his tricorder and goes to check on her, but stays disturbingly quiet. Her temperature is up and a tightness around her eyes suggests she's in pain but won't admit it. He holds out a hand and she climbs onto his lap. He cradles her and whispers encouragement. "Garak, would you pass me that hypospray?"

He stands up and looks on the side. "This one?"

"Thank you."

She clings to his shirt and he holds her while the medicine takes effect. He notices Garak watching him and smiling. "Don't say it," he warns.

"Don't say what? That you've got a way with children?"

"It's just part of being a doctor."

"No it isn't." Garak comes and sits behind his shoulder, giving him something to lean into. He strokes Sahar's hair and presses a kiss to the side of Julian's head.

Julian breathes a deep sigh. "Stop being so soft. You're giving me ideas."

"What sort of ideas?"

"We've only just kissed. Don't you think it's a little early to talk about this?"

"I'm not saying anything. They're your ideas. And I'm not afraid of them. Like you said, what we have is inevitable, and the fun part is seeing how it plays out."

"I know family is an important part of your culture. Sometimes I wonder what that might look like for us. So yes, you're giving me ideas."

"I don't think I'm ready to take on eight orphans all at once."

"Neither am I," he laughs. "I think your provision for these children will suit them well enough. But maybe, in a few years, we might think about other avenues."

"You're being very vague."

"I am, aren't I? I'm sure if you think about it hard enough, you could work it out, but then that would ruin the surprise."

"Hmm. I don't think I'll have to wait long. You're feeling clever about it and you won't be able to hold that in forever." He pauses, as if he has an idea. "Oh! Doctor. Yes, that would be interesting."

"Well, clearly you don't have to think that hard."

"We can discuss it at a later date. I think she's gone to sleep. Do you think it's safe to put her back down?"

"Yeah, that stuff should see her through another four hours at least." He gets her settled back down with the others, using her sister's lap as a pillow. "I'm sorry. This is going to be me for the next few days until she's completed the treatment. As much as I'd love to sneak away with you, I need to be available in case anything goes wrong."

"Why would it go wrong?"

"Because I'm having to recalibrate dosage based on her size and Cardassian metabolism, which I'm much better at than I was a month ago, but this is a completely different kind of drug, and of course cancers present differently in different species and I don't have the data-"

Garak takes his hand and he turns back to him. "You're worried about her. In spite of everything you know you can do."

"I know what I can do. And I'm ninety-five percent confident that she'll pull through and everything will be fine. But there are still risks and if I'm not here, and something in that five percent goes wrong…"

"It doesn't bear thinking about. I understand. I've waited for this long, I can wait a few more days."

Julian leans forward and claims another kiss. There's something very satisfying about how close they are in height. He's also very aware of the texture of Garak's nose, and the heat of his body. When they pause and press their foreheads together it feels almost as if he's cradled by the shape of him. He makes a small, high pitched noise, happy and affectionate.

"My poor dear. You're exhausted. Again. I'll stay with you until morning. I might not be as soft as a Federation pillow, but you can rest on me until you're needed again."

"Hmm. I think you'll do just fine."

*

Julian gets three and a half hours of blissful, half asleep snuggles before the monitor goes off again. He lifts Sahar up onto the bed and asks Garak to sit with her while he takes readings, analyses the results and modifies her treatment plan. He gives her the adjusted dose and she settles quickly. He leans on the edge of the bed and sighs.

"Chin up, doctor. You've handled much worse than this."

"Yes, on the station, with the proper equipment, and a whole computer library of reference material and a team to back me up."

Garak takes his face in both hands. "Look at me. No doubts. You saved my life. You'll save her life. It's going to be a tough few days, but I'll make sure you're properly rewarded at the end of it."

Julian puts his arms around him and smiles. "I really did mess up the timing on that kiss, didn't I?"

"It could have been better, I'll admit. But there's something to be said for anticipation. So long as I'm not too much of a distraction from your work."

"I can be professional."

They hear a soft groan and turn to see young Dukat waking up. They let go of each other, but exchange a soft glance as they part. By the time Julian gets some coffee, all the children are awake. Garak helps make sure they're all fed and watered, and then suggests they go up to see the spare room where they can stay until Sahar is better.

Julian watches her very closely over the next twelve hours, and fine tunes her treatment even more. After that, she progresses steadily. It is difficult, mostly because all he wants to do is sleep. Well, sleep and be with Garak.

He lets the others visit her one at a time when she's awake. The way they all look after each other is something precious. It helps him through the toughest moments. He still has to see the other patients who come in, but there's less of them now than there were. Miles has managed to get more power running in their area of the city, which means they can use the replicators more freely, which in turn means people are better fed, hydrated, and hygienic. However it seems word is spreading that there's an actual doctor working at a clinic, and people are making the journey from further afield to get help, with cases complicated by the fact they've been left untreated.

"I can't be the only doctor left on the entire planet!" he complains to his nurse.

She lowers her eyes and goes quiet and still.

"Tulia?"

"The Dominion took all the doctors. The Jem'Hadar came to the hospitals and the clinics with their guns. They killed the patients and took the doctors with them. Said the Founders had need of them. Anyone who resisted was killed, too."

"Were you there when it happened?"

"It was the most terrifying day of my life. But I am Cardassian, and I am strong. While the occupation lasted, I went into hiding. When we were free, I came out and did what I could. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. Garak heard about me. He promised he'd get me help, and then came back with you, and all this, and we're finally able to do some good again."

"You are easily one of the most fearless people I've ever met."

She nods. "I'm glad you think so. And, if you do decide that you'll stay and take on apprentices, I hope you'll consider me to be one of your first students."

"I would be proud to teach you. You've already proved to me that you'd be capable. And as it turns out, I've recently made the decision to stay. So, shall we get started? Tell me what you understand about Sahar's case."

*

When Sahar is clear of the disease, Julian takes Dukat aside and speaks to him seriously. "I have a lot of respect for you. I know you're young, but you've taken on a great deal of responsibility. It's time for you to go to your new home. Sahar is better, but she'll still need rest to recover her strength. Make sure she gets it. And make sure you take care of yourself, too. Work hard, listen to your teacher, and one day you might even be running the planet. And if you ever need anything at all, come and find me. If I can't fix it myself, I can make sure Garak will."

Dukat stares at him for a moment, and then leaps forward and throws his arms around him. Julian holds him, wondering how long it's been since an adult made him feel safe like that, and how long it will be before it happens again. So he doesn't let go until Dukat pulls back.

Once all the children are on their way, Tulia folds her arms and looks at him. "Right, doctor. You don't need me to list your symptoms, but you've been working for three days straight and you're exhausted. Go to your room. I don't want to see you again for at least forty eight hours."

"I'd love to, but there's still patients."

"I managed before you got here and I've learned a lot since then. If anything major comes up, I'll call you. Now get some sleep before I sedate you."

"Okay. I don't have the energy to argue."

"And please, for the love of the Empire, spend some time with Garak."

"That obvious?"

"Only to people with eyes."

He trudges up to his room, strips down to his underwear and lies down with the blanket pulled over his head. He wakes once, notes that it's dark outside, rolls over and soon goes back to sleep. The next time he wakes, the sky is orange with the rising sun. He lies still, waiting to see if his body has had enough, and hears a whisper of fabric and a soft creak from the armchair.

"Garak?"

"You're awake." Garak sounds delighted by this fact. Julian feels pretty good about it himself.

"What is it with you and watching me sleep?"

"It's revenge for that time I almost died and you refused to leave me."

"Come here." He sits up and pulls Garak into his arms and kisses him soundly. Then his stomach rumbles.

Garak laughs. "You need food and water. And possibly freshening up."

"You're right, I stink, I'm sorry."

"Wait there. I'll be back in a moment with everything you need."

Julian stretches and gets up, realising that he's still in nothing but his underwear, and agonises over whether he should put some clothes on. Staying this level of undressed would be an open invitation, but putting something on might come across as though he's trying to set a boundary that doesn't exist. In the end he digs through his bag and finds a beach shirt he wore on Risa, and leaves it unbuttoned. He hopes it says I'm happy to eat, but I'm also available whenever you're ready.

Garak comes back with a tray. He sets it down and fills the washbasin from a jug of water and lays a clean cloth beside it. He rolls up his sleeves.

Julian's breath catches as he realises his intent. "Oh. Are you…"

Garak freezes, suddenly unsure. "Is this odd? I thought it might be a pleasant way to begin to get better acquainted. It's only now occurring to me that it might be culturally inappropriate."

"Yes. No. I mean… I am very much interested in… getting better acquainted, but, um, I'm suddenly feeling quite nervous and self-conscious about the whole thing."

"You didn't seem to have that issue in Risa." He says it more teasingly than as an accusation, and it makes Julian blush but also adds some perspective.

"No, I didn't. But then again, that was Risa. They were lovely people, and it was fun, but I didn't have any of the feelings for them that I have for you. I'm nervous because I care about you a lot and I'm pretty sure we're about to make love and I want it to be as special as you deserve. And that's an awful lot of honesty to throw in your face all at once. Can we just pretend I didn't say any of it?"

Garak smiles. He drops a small tablet in the water that fizzes around, leaving it tinged ever so slightly blue. "Come here."

Julian steps towards him. Garak hands him a cup of tea. It's extra sweet. When he's drunk enough to quench his immediate thirst, he puts it down and Garak picks up the cloth and dips it into the water. He wipes it over Julian's face and it feels fresh, with an almost minty fragrance. Garak wipes over his forehead and down his cheeks, then around each of eyes as if he's tracing over all the features that aren't there, entranced by their differences.

He returns the cloth to the water, squeezes it out, and casts his eye on Julian's neck. He moves the shirt off one shoulder, and wipes slowly across the exposed skin.
When he touches the fabric on the other side, Julian lets the shirt fall off and onto the floor. The cloth moves and then a finger retraces its path, and Garak exhales audibly.

"It's almost as if you're as much of a xenophile as I am," Julian teases.

"You just look so… delicate. Vulnerable. Like if I touch you too roughly, I'll split you open. But I know you're tougher than that. You're stronger than anyone realises."

He presses a kiss to Julian's neck so tender that it draws out a tiny moan. He smiles at the sound, and goes about washing the rest of him, arms, torso, front and back. Every so often he kisses or caresses, gentle and patient but clearly aroused by each touch.

"Much better," he says at last, and just to prove it, he puts his arms around Julian from behind and inhales deeply. "Now that you're presentable, we should have breakfast."

"I don't think I'm exactly dressed for the dining room."

"Then we'll have breakfast in bed."

There are scones on the tray, piled high with jam and clotted cream. Garak immediately gets cream on his fingers and offers them to Julian who sucks them clean. They spend almost as much time with their mouths on each other as they do eating the food. Julian licks Garak's fingers again as he puts the last piece in his mouth. He goes to get the cloth and wipes their hands and faces, then drops it on the floor as Garak pulls him onto his lap. He hums and squirms and drops his head to kiss all along Garak's ridges. The response is delightful. Hands slide down his back and fasten on his hips, pulling him down while Garak writhes against him.

"This." He grabs Garak's shirt between his teeth and pulls at it. "This needs to go."

Garak pulls it off over his head. Julian just stops and stares, his hands hovering, then touching, exploring the feel of skin and scales and all the textures in every ridge and divot. They find each other in another desperate, hungry kiss, falling onto the mattress, legs tangling and bodies moving against each other. With a bit more tugging and fumbling the remains of their clothes are tossed aside.

He's still not sure which way this is going to go. Not that he minds, he just wants to feel them connect, to give in to a passion that's been brewing since before he even recognised it. Because he sees it now- the looks they shared over lunch, the gifts, the bickering- it was always there, waiting to be discovered. The one who constantly challenged him in a world that always felt too simple. The one who made everything feel real.

He reaches down. He knows what he'll find; he's done the research- more than was perhaps strictly necessary. Cardassians compensate for the friction of the extra ridges by providing more of their own moisture. Garak is hard and wet, and he moans at the touch and sighs as he reciprocates, sharing his own natural slick.

It's unclear who shifts first, but Julian finds himself on his back. Garak is over him, reaching lower and further back. In spite of their passion, the touch is gentle and skilled. Julian melts into it, yielding to the pressure. "Yes," he gasps between kisses. "I need you."

There's arms around him and they're rolling over again. Which is actually very thoughtful because it gives him control over how much he takes. He straddles Garak's hips and guides him in carefully. It's not too much of a stretch- yet, though it will keep growing- and the sensations of the extra texture are strange and wonderful. But it's Garak's response that's the most wonderful thing, the way his eyes widen and he groans and bites his lip, and the carefully maintained mask he always wears slides away.

Julian starts to move slowly. With the anatomical differences of interspecies sex it's even more important not to rush anything, and to keep checking in with your partner. Not that he needs to do that in words, because Garak's eyes are more honest than anything he'd say out loud. He finds an angle and a rhythm that feels good and lets his hands wander over the patterns on his chest. Everything feels beautiful, even the softness of Garak's belly is coming back now that he's eating properly again.

Garak seems as equally entranced by Julian's body, running his hands over smooth skin and sighing, front and back, hips, thighs. Every so often, Julian feels him throb and grow inside. The natural lubrication is enough to keep things moving, and they move together, faster and with more intent. Whenever he starts to feel the stretch, he slows and gives his body time to relax and adapt. Garak is incredibly tuned in to his responses, easing off when he needs it and giving him more when he's ready. Julian knows he's getting close to the limit, but it all feels so incredible and he doesn't want it to end. He breathes and takes the strain, and then there's another pulse that has him wincing.

Garak feels him tense and stops moving. He reaches up and cups his face, seeking eye contact. Julian looks back at him, takes a deep breath and shifts slightly, grimacing in spite of himself.

"I'm going to stay very still," Garak says. "And once I've calmed myself you should be able to move off comfortably."

"I'm sorry," Julian pants.

"If anyone should be apologising-"

"No, don't do that either. This was always going to be a learning process. I'll be able to take it one day, I'm just not there yet. We can keep experimenting."

"I like the sound of that. And I suppose this is only your second time doing this kind of thing."

"Um. Actually..."

"So Risa wasn't your first time?"

"It was my first time with a man. But I was dating a Trill who was still struggling to keep her previous identities separate. She has a replicated phallus. It was… educational."

Garak sighs. "Well. There's a mental image I never wanted. In the future, I'd request that we don't bring your ex up during sex. However, you should find it easier to move now."

Julian finds he's right, but takes the opportunity to slide up and down a couple more times before he moves off. He lies down, half on top of him, and kisses him deeply.

"You're sweating," Garak notes. "You should have some water."

"You sound like a doctor I know."

"You're not used to exerting yourself in this heat. We can take a moment. I don't want you flaking out on me before we're through because you're dehydrated."

"Okay." He rolls onto his back and Garak gets up to retrieve a tall glass of water from the tray. It's not cold, but Julian drinks half of it anyway. He sets the rest down beside the bed for later and pulls Garak back into his arms. "There. Satisfied?"

"Not even remotely." Garak starts kissing his neck and nipping at his earlobe. "You're just all so smooth and soft. It's ridiculous."

"This isn't so soft," Julian says, pressing into his hip.

Garak reaches down and strokes him. "You feel like Tholian silk. Did they enhance your skin as well as everything else? Because I've never felt anything this luxurious, or tasted anything so sweet."

Julian moans and licks all the way up his neck ridges, sucking the edge of his ear. Then it's just tasting and grasping and writhing together, chasing pleasure wherever it leads them.

"Roll over," Julian whispers hoarsely. "I want your back."

He drags his lips over scales hungrily, while his arm reaches around, caressing his chest ridges and gently circling the teardrop over his heart. Garak moans. Julian thrusts against his rear and moves his hand lower, teasing him and getting his fingers good and wet. When he uses those fingers to test Garak's opening, there's very little resistance.

"Please," Garak gasps.

Julian presses in gradually, making sure he can take it, but Garak is just as wet here too. Hot. Welcoming. He shivers, overwhelmed by the intensity of such closeness. He holds him close and kisses his neck, every touch tender and meaningful, and starts to move slowly.

Garak doesn't say anything. He makes very honest noises though, breathy sounds of pleasure and satisfaction, and groans when Julian pushes deeper. Julian reaches round and strokes him, feeling him throb and grow once again.

It's perfect. It's everything their lovemaking was meant to be, intimate and passionate and intense. They could go on like this for hours, and come together quite beautifully, but Julian wants their first time to be more. He wants fireworks. "More," he whispers.

"More?"

He slips out and pulls Garak onto his back, tucking the screwed up blanket under his hips. Garak gives a very seductive growl and parts and bends his knees. Julian gets into position between his legs and slides inside. Now that he’s kneeling, he's got more leverage, more power on his thrusts and he makes use of it. And watching Garak lose control is worth the effort, watching him strain and clutch at the sheets, hearing his cries get louder. They're both getting close.

He puts one hand over Garak's heart and takes hold of him with the other, stroking him briskly. Garak grabs his arm and looks him in the eye until he finally erupts with a strangled cry. Julian is right there with him, groaning through his own climax.

He collapses onto Garak's chest, ignoring the mess. His head is spinning, and he feels so full of love. Once he's caught his breath he picks the cloth up from the floor and cleans them both up, and settles back into Garak's arms. He probably ought to drink more water, but he doesn't want to move.

"Well," he sighs happily, "at least we won't have to go through the trouble of announcing our new relationship status. I'm pretty sure everyone in the household heard that."

Garak just smiles and trails a finger over his cheek.

"Are you okay? You're oddly quiet."

"Mm-hm. Just… basking."

"Mmm. I get that. I feel so many things right now. All of them wonderful."

"Me too."

He props himself with an arm and presses his softest, most tender kiss to Garak's lips. "I love you."

Garak looks at him silently, but it's there in his eyes.

"It's okay. You don't have to say it back. You don't have to say anything at all."

"I'm not used to this. Trying to put this much feeling into simple words feels… almost dishonest."

"So lie to me."

"Really?"

"I love you, Garak. I don't want you to be anything other than you are. So lie to me, say whatever tales you can dream up, and leave me to figure out the truth of it, just like we always do."

"In that case," Garak takes a deep breath and stares straight into his eyes. "I don't love you. I never have. There may have been some small lust when I first met you, but nothing you said or did could make it any more than that. Not when you saved my life, not when you insulted my literature, not even when we were trapped in the holosuite together. You never made my pulse quicken or my heart lurch. You never betrayed me in a way that felt like my world had crumbled, and your attempts to win back my friendship were completely unwelcome. When I returned here, I didn't miss anything from the station, especially not you. And I’ve decidedly not been imagining this moment for the last seven years."

Julian grins. "You know, I don't think I believe you."

"Good. Because you can never trust a word I say."

"Ironically, I don't believe that, either."

"What do you believe?"

"That I've found the place I belong. A place where I'm really needed, where I can build a whole life with someone who makes me feel truly alive."

"Hm. Now that sounds like passion."

They kiss again and then Julian flops onto his back. "Ugh. I'm still tired. I feel like I've spent the last month constantly arguing with myself and my brain has finally gone quiet."

"You've been fighting your desires. That can be exhausting."

"You've been doing that all this time."

"That's not what I said."

"No, it's what I inferred. A part of me wishes I'd seen it before, but then I don't know if we'd have lasted with everything else we were going through."

"You mean I would have dumped you when I found out your big secret."

"Maybe I would have told you about it sooner."

"Would you, though? You never told any of your other partners."

"I might have. You're exceptional. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. And I know you can keep a secret."

"If you had, it would have been a very foolish thing to do. Trusting me with that much power over your life? I probably would have dumped you on principle." He laughs.

"I do trust you, though. Sort of. You might make decisions that I couldn't make, or do things that I previously might have balked at. But I've learned that, in certain circumstances, what's necessary and what's right aren't so clear cut."

Garak looks at him. "I've seen a difference in you. You're carrying a shadow that you try to keep hidden, but it doesn't sit well with you. A stain that you're trying to wash out with good deeds. I thought it might have just been the reality of war, but it's personal, isn't it?"

"See, this is why I don't entirely trust you. You say I'd be a fool to tell you my secrets, but the minute you think I might have another one, you start trying to manipulate me into giving it away."

"Well, I'm proud of you for not falling for it. Whatever you tell me, is ultimately up to you, and I can live with your secret until such time as you decide it's something I need to know."

"Oh come on, I'm not falling for that, either."

"Falling for what?"

"You give me the illusion of free will, make me think it's completely my choice to tell you."

"My darling doctor, I am enjoying this game."

"Interesting move. Appealing to our intimacy and acknowledging that it is a competition, giving me the illusion of control in that I have something you want. But I'm well aware of your skill set and your tenacity, and you can't make me drop my guard."

"Oh. What's that phrase? Checkmate?"

"Really? You don't want to play it out, just to be sure?"

"You like the game too. You like that I'm enjoying it, and that I'm in control of it and that you need to be on the defensive. And if all of that weren't enough, you just dropped me a clue, which means you want me to know. You're just waiting for me to overpower you."

"So are you planning to pin me down and torture me?"

"It's a plan with some merit, though a blatant attempt to distract me from the point. Which means you're getting desperate and you've realised that the outcome is inevitable."

"Go on then, if you're so clever, what's the clue I dropped?"

"You mentioned my skill set. Which means you're thinking about me as a spy, which means you're thinking of spies in general, and I'm going to hazard a guess it's something to do with Section thirty one."

Julian tenses. As fun as the game is, it's a dance around something very uncomfortable.

"You don't want forgiveness. You Federation types tend to prefer to hold onto the guilt as if that somehow makes it more virtuous. But you do want me to know. You think I can grant you some kind of affirmation, that I can tell that you did what needed to be done. It doesn't fit in with your sense of morality so you want to ease your conscience by borrowing mine."

"Maybe not borrowing yours so much as learning from it, and adapting my own. My sense of morality comes from a place of privilege and the hard reality is life doesn't always fit into that."

Garak leans over him and cradles his face. "It's not an easy lesson. I can see that it troubles you, and if confession will make it less of a burden then I will gladly help you carry it."

"I know that in our relationship, I'm never going to be absolutely certain of anything. I can live with that. But there are going to be some things that I choose to believe because it's what I want to be real. And I choose to believe that you mean that."

"Even if saying that gives me an advantage that puts you at risk?"

"If I wasn't prepared for risk, I wouldn't be here now."

"So tell me your secret. What did you do?"

"I kidnapped someone. Tried to torture him for information. He died."

"And did you get the information you needed?"

"That's your follow up question?"

"Yes. That's what you did it for. The outcome is the whole point."

"Then yes. I got the information. It saved Odo's life. But that's still a life for a life, and who am I to say one life is worth more than another? If I start down that path, where does it end?"

"It ends exactly where you chose to end it. You think you chose one life over another, but it's not as simple as that. You chose to save Odo. Odo chose to save the Founder, and she agreed to retreat. If you hadn't made that choice, then Tulia, and Daska, and our friend young Dukat and his found family would all be dead. All our actions ripple outwards. In this case, you saved more lives than you can imagine. That's what matters, isn't it? The lives we took may weigh on us, but if we did nothing, the lives we could have saved would weigh far more."

"When you put it like that, it almost sounds justified."

"Almost. And that's as close as either of us will ever get."

"So you still have regrets for the people you've killed?"

"However I answer that, you'll doubt what I say."

"Garak?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Did you already know all this? Did you know what I had to confess before I even brought it up?"

"What kind of a spy wouldn't dig up all the darkest secrets of the man he's not in love with?"

"But what if you're just saying that because you don't want me to think you've missed something so important?"

"Learn to live with the mystery."

"I already have. That doesn't mean I'm ever going to stop asking questions. One day you might trip up and accidentally tell me the truth."

"But if I tell you enough lies, you won't even notice when it happens."

"I think sometimes I can tell. Either that, or you're so good you've found a way to manipulate me into thinking I know what to believe."

"The best ones are when I do tell you the truth and make you think it's a lie."

"There's one thing I know for sure that's true."

"Which is?"

"This." Julian puts a hand behind his head and pulls him down into a deep kiss.

*

The next few days feel strange and wonderful. Julian takes the whole day off, but runs into Miles and the cadets when they go down for their evening meal. He thinks he might get away without anyone saying anything, even though the cadets are all smirking behind their hands. Garak gets them chatting about their progress on the water supply, which it turns out is happening faster than expected. They've drafted several local engineers who know what they're doing.

As Miles gets up to go, he winks at Julian and pats him on the back. "Fair play, though, pal."

When he tries to go back to work the next day, Tulia sends him away again. "I said at least forty eight hours. There's no point in being here if your mind is focussed elsewhere."

He walks out and finds Garak in the hall. "Daska took one look at me and said I was too distracted and I should leave her to get on with it."

"Pretty much what Tulia said to me."

"We can't spend another whole day in bed."

"Can't we? I don't know about you, but I'm more than happy to see how far we can get."

Garak grabs his hand and they run upstairs together.

*

By the time Miles and his team are ready to leave, things have settled down a lot. The number of patients is steady, but not overwhelming, and Julian manages to take a day off once a week. There's running water again, and enough power not only to feed everyone but to start running the city again. Society is slowly rebuilding itself. Julian helps the midwife deliver a healthy Cardassian baby, and everyone celebrates.

He decides to go with Miles back to the station, so he can speak to his friends in person about his decision to stay and tie up all his loose ends. He packs a bag for a short stay. It's strange how this place already feels like home. The hardest part is saying goodbye to Garak, even if it's only for a week or so. In the days leading up to his departure, they keep finding excuses to touch each other, and their lovemaking grows frantic.

"I'm coming back," Julian assures him. "That's the whole point. It'll only be a week, and then I'll be back for good."

"I know. I'm still going to miss you though."

"You could still come with me."

"You'll get everything done faster without me to distract you. Besides, I'm working on an important surprise for when you get back."

"And you'll take good care of Kukalaka for me?"

"He'll be waiting impatiently for your return."

*

He goes to see Kira first. When he tells her the situation, she comes around the desk and hugs him. "You will be missed. But I'm happy for you."

“You don't seem surprised,” he notes as she steps back.

“I had a feeling you might end up staying. You and Garak is unexpected, but oddly, I can see it working. And I can see that you've found what you've been looking for.” She reaches up, takes hold of his ear, and nods.

He smiles. Even though he doesn't share her spiritual beliefs, her understanding means something. His heart and his mind are aligned. He's made the right decision.

He contacts Starfleet and states his intentions. They don't accept his resignation straight away, and say they'll be back in touch shortly. He's slightly confused, but agrees. Next, he finds Ezri in her office near the infirmary. She throws her head back and laughs.

"Really? That's your reaction?"

"I'm sorry, it's just… I kinda saw it coming. That guy's been into you for years. I just wasn't sure how long it would take you to figure it out. I wanna hear the whole story, tell me everything."

"You're not in the least bit disappointed I won't be around? Or jealous?"

She chews her lip and looks down at her hands. "I kind of have my own thing going on."

Julian smiles. "Who with?"

"I'm not saying. You wouldn't approve."

"Ezri, I'm moving to Cardassia. I'm hardly in a position to judge."

"And I'm sure you'll find out sooner or later, but right now, I want to hear about you and Garak."

"It's Captain Boday, isn't it?"

"Nu-uh. When did you first realise you liked him?"

"On Risa. He was wearing a very lightweight shirt. Are you sure you want to hear this?"

"Oh. Definitely. Jadzia actually took out a bet on it, once. I wonder if I could collect?"

Talking to his ex about his new boyfriend is strange at first, but her enthusiasm wins him over. It's a bit like talking to Jadzia again. He finds himself grinning. Especially as she wants far more details than Miles ever asks for.

When she's fully up to date he heads to the infirmary and spends the afternoon tying everything up there, including promoting his successor, downloading all his research projects and the rest of the administration. He grabs some dinner in the replimat and lets himself remember all the lunches with Garak. It leaves him feeling nostalgic, and he realises he probably also ought to talk to Quark.

"One synthale, please Quark," he says at the bar.

"I heard you were heading back. How was Cardassia?" Quark gives him his drink.

"Difficult but worth it. About those holosuite bookings…"

"I knew it. You're emigrating."

"I am."

"Why?"

"I'm in love."

"That was fast."

"Not really."

Quark frowns at him. He's gotten so used to the verbal repartie with Garak, he's forgotten that everyone else needs a bit more help to get there.

"It's Garak. I'm in a relationship with Garak. And it's serious enough that I'm emigrating."

"Huh, I guess Jadzia was right. Ezri's gonna want to hold me to that bet." Quark grins, his voice going soft. "We're gonna have a lot of fun negotiating that one."

Julian sprays his ale back into the mug. "You and Ezri?"

Quark looks delighted. "Oh yeah. You hadn't heard? I finally convinced her a few weeks after you left. She's a wild one, isn't she?"

"What is it with your family scooping up all my exes? Am I going to have to keep Garak away from Nog?"

"Seeing as he almost killed him, probably not."

"Well, that's something, I suppose."

That's the moment that Ezri walks in. She takes one look at Julian's face and turns to Quark. "I take it you told him?"

"I had an opportunity to gloat, I took it."

"Good. That means I can do this." She leans over the bar and kisses him, her fingers brushing over his ear.

"You were right," Julian says. "I don't approve."

"Quark can separate past and present. Besides, I thought you weren't in a position to judge?"

"Fair point. I suppose he's a lot sweeter than everyone thinks?"

"If you know, you know, right?"

"Then I guess I know."

*

He hears back from Starfleet the next day. They say they've considered the situation, and given that he's already earning the people's respect, they'd like to offer him a long term position as an envoy.

"An envoy?"

"Yes. It gives you a bit more freedom than an ambassador, but also a bit more authority to speak on the Federation's behalf. We would also hope that you'd keep us updated on any events that might be of interest."

"So you want me to be a spy?"

"Not at all. There would be complete transparency. An open intermediary, sent by us to support the people of Cardassia, and to keep communications between our people open and respectful."

"So like, an emissary?"

"We thought a title with less religious associations might be more appropriate under the circumstances."

"What's the package you're offering?"

"There's a stipend for living expenses."

"What about equipment? If I'm there as a Federation envoy, then the Federation might offer some practical resources as a gesture of goodwill."

"We will do our best to make sure that you're properly equipped for the role."

"Do I have to answer straight away?"

"We'll give you a few days to think about it."

He thinks about it. He actually thinks about it a lot.

*

Of course there's a party in his honour at Quark's. He lets himself get emotional. This has been his home for such a large portion of his life, and it's changed him in so many ways.

Miles says he's taking the dartboard, but Julian can keep the Alamo. Julian says he can't ship it all the way to Cardassia. They almost decide to dismantle it when Quark says he'll keep it in the bar as a conversation piece, which Julian assumes is another way to say advertising for the holosuites.

It's a good party, but it feels incomplete, somehow. Most of the people that were a part of his life here are already gone. It’s time to move on, move forward.

*

At last he's on his way back to Cardassia, on a freighter filled with fresh vegetables and bags and bags of seeds. There are things that he's going to miss, but he's missed his new home more. Garak's waiting for him at the landing pad, along with Tulia and the children. Regardless of whether he has any intention of adopting them or not, they seem to have adopted him as their trusted adult. They also seem very interested in helping to distribute the vegetables, and making sure they're all ripe enough for consumption. He makes sure they get a generous share.

He looks at Garak and wants to kiss him so badly, but he's also aware that once he starts it's going to be difficult to stop. He settles for taking his hand and touching him as much as possible.

"I hope you don't mind, we need to make a small detour on the way back," Garak tells him.

"Oh?"

"Don't look too disappointed. I told you I was getting you a present."

"I'm intrigued."

They stop outside a large building. It's several stories tall, with elegant arches, and though parts of it show clear signs of battle damage, other parts show signs of recent repair. "What is this place?" he asks.

"This is your present. Or at least, the parts of it that are currently usable are, which to be honest is currently less than a tenth of the building, not that you'll even be able to staff that much with two nurses and a midwife, but we've all got to start somewhere."

"The hospital?"

"There's that keen mind of yours."

"Shut up, I'm having a moment. Can we look inside?"

"Of course."

Garak leads him through some kind of reception area, with a desk and seating. Then they go along a short corridor where there are side rooms with various pieces of equipment, some of which look familiar and others he's going to have to ask his nurses about. Then there's the ward- a central station with several private rooms around it.

At the moment, it doesn't look like much. But Julian can see the potential. This is where they start. He feels his eyes fill with tears and isn't ashamed to let them fall, and when they do, he remembers.

"Tulia told me what happened here. How does anyone come back after something like that? How do you wash that all away?"

"You don't. You remember them, and you honour their sacrifice by going on. We're Cardassian. We survive. And more of us will survive because you chose to stay."

He wanders into one of the rooms, taking in the bed and the monitoring equipment. "And all this stuff works?"

"Most of it. Funnily enough, having your friend and his team here brought a lot of engineers and repair technicians out of the woodwork just because they wanted to prove they could do a better job."

"Now all I need is a few more medical staff. Can't we recruit some from some other planets?"

"So far, we haven't had many volunteers."

"Not even for the good of the Cardassian Union? I would have thought they'd be lining up."

"Not everyone wants to come and starve with us. Apparently our indoctrination isn't as strong as some might believe."

Julian turns to Garak. "I'm considering a job offer."

"What kind of job?" Garak manages to keep his expression and tone very neutral.

"One that keeps me here on Cardassia, before you start panicking. I've been asked to take on a position as an envoy. I'm pretty sure it's not much more than a title and a way for the Federation to wave an olive branch, but they seem quite keen and I might be able to use that to leverage some kind of support."

"You should take it."

"I should?"

"Any commitments we do or do not make to each other aside, it gives you stability. You will have my protection as long as I'm here, but in the event of my untimely demise, it means that you have a safety net."

Julian smiles. "Of course you'd be pragmatic about it."

"It gives you another reason to stay. And if they are willing to negotiate terms…"

"What would I even ask for?"

"Three more doctors, at least. So you can have more time off without feeling guilty. If they'll agree to stay for two years, we can set up a training program. We're fast learners."

"I'd need to specify those with experience in teaching and expertise in xenobiology. We could make things so much better. And then, when we've got everyone fully qualified…"

"What? Why aren't you finishing that thought?"

"Well, I'd have more time for my research."

"You're not as good at lying as you think you are."

"I am, you're just too good at spotting a half-truth. Is it worth me trying to keep this thought to myself?"

"Not really. I want to know what's making you smile like that, and I will find out sooner or later. No reason why it shouldn't be sooner."

"You remember when I was taking care of Sahar and we talked about family?"

"You said you were thinking about other avenues and were feeling very clever about it. I imagine you were thinking of a way to blend our genetic profiles to create our own offspring."

"See, this is why I love you," Julian wraps his arms around him. "You understand me so well."

"Tell me how you'd do it."

"Well, I've been working on organ generation for transplants, using information I got from studying Odo's morphogenic matrix when I was trying to cure him. There's a way to code the cells to grow them into any organ that needs replacing, while retaining the original donor's genetic make-up."

"And you could grow an entire child this way?"

"Potentially, I suppose. But that seems a bit clinical. I was thinking more along the lines of growing myself a uterus. I wouldn't turn myself completely female, like I did to Quark, and I'd still need to recalibrate a donor or synthetic egg with my genetic profile, but it would mean you could-"

Garak pulls him into a desperate, hungry kiss. He responds instantly, body and soul, a week's worth of separation catching up with him all at once. They press together hard, as if they could merge into each other by will alone. Then he's being lifted to sit on the edge of bed, and he wraps his legs around Garak and pulls him tighter until they're grinding against each other. He manages to unzip and throw off his jacket and immediately feels hands under his clothes, touching his skin. He gasps as Garak assaults his neck with lips and tongue and teeth, and the need for closeness feels unbearably urgent. He starts fumbling with the fastenings on Garak's clothes and gets them out the way just enough to grab his hard and slippery length.

Garak growls. He pulls Julian off the bed, pushes his trousers down and turns him round. Julian leans onto the bed and endures a rough and hasty prep that he doesn't really need because his body already craves it. Garak slides into him, still slender enough to take easily, and they both moan. Things escalate quickly, scales snapping against skin. Julian bends his face to the bed in an attempt to accommodate the increasing girth. It's still a lot, but it's good. It's so very good. He takes it, and he keeps taking it, clutching at whatever he can lay his hands on and groaning as ripples of pleasure overwhelm him.

He knows that Garak's getting close, feels the tightness of fingers gripping his hips, hears the way his breath catches. It drives him right to the edge and then the pressure bursts into delicious spasms. He feels Garak quivering and pulsing inside him as he too succumbs to the release.

His body feels heavy and molten. His heart is pounding and he can't quite catch his breath. He's not sure he can move, or if he even wants to, and it's pure bliss.

Garak bends forward and kisses his shoulders, but the romantic moment is ruined as he withdraws by an audible slurping sound. Julian starts giggling, and the more he tries to stop the worse it gets.

Garak just looks at him in amusement. "Have I broken you?"

"I'm sorry," Julian wheezes. "Brain, oxygen, thing."

Garak straightens up and starts to put his clothes back together. Julian manages to gather his composure enough to pull his trousers up with some deep breaths, though he still feels lightheaded. He leans against Garak's shoulder and they hold each other close.

"My darling doctor. I'm so glad to have you back."

"Me too. I love you so much."

"Are you ready to head home?"

"Just a few more minutes for my legs to recover. Then I'm going to need to get straight in the shower."

"I apologise. I really hadn't planned on that happening."

Julian chuckles and raises his head. "You really like the idea of breeding with me, don't you?"

"Only about as much as you like the idea of me getting you pregnant."

"That's quite a lot."

"I thought it might be." They kiss slowly, delicately. "Let's get this planet back on it's feet first though, shall we? To make sure that our child has the best possible start."

*

Julian wakes up warm and comfortable against Garak's back. The temptation to kiss all the way along his neck ridges is strong, but he resists. It's still early, and they were up late, and he's sleeping so peacefully.

So Julian turns over and picks up his book. He's been making progress with the Cardassian language, and decided to give The Never Ending Sacrifice another go in the original format. The difference is phenomenal. In translation, it's just words, but in the original it's musical and poetic. Not that he can understand half of it yet, and he has to keep looking things up, but he's discovering all sorts of cultural nuances that get lost in translation. He's learning a lot about values and family and culture. The characters seem more real now that he's spent time amongst the everyday people. And of course the arguing makes more sense now too.

Garak wakes and nestles up against him. The first time he fell asleep like that and woken up to find imprints on Julian's shoulder he'd been rather perturbed, but now they're both used to it, and he knows it's just a dent that doesn't hurt and isn't real damage.

"Since when have you been reading my language?" he asks lazily.

"About three months? Technically, I've had the alphabet floating around in my head since soon after I arrived on the station, but it's only recently I've been deliberately focussing on vocabulary and grammar."

"And you decided to dive straight into classic literature?"

"I needed something to do on that freighter. It's easily available, and it's a work that I'm already familiar with, so I can work out a certain amount from context. I'm actually enjoying it much more this way. It's like a song isn't it? Each generation is a separate verse that follows the same pattern."

"Hmm." Garak presses a kiss onto his chest. "Just when I thought you couldn't get any more attractive, you start waving that beautiful brain of yours around. Read it to me."

"Out loud?"

"I'm not a Betazoid."

"And I've only read it in my head. My pronunciation is going to be terrible. You could read to me, though."

"I take it your translator is off?"

"Advantages of a multilingual boyfriend, I don't have to take it to bed."

Garak takes the pad and scrolls back a few paragraphs and reads beautifully, enunciating clearly and with expression. Julian follows in the text. It's the section he's just read, so he's familiar with what it says, and it's a passage where the current main character makes a declaration of love.

"Garak?"

"Yes?"

"I know what that means."

"It's just what it says in the book."

"You can lie about it all you want. I know you love me. It's the one thing about you that I'm sure of."

"What if I'm just seducing you for your medical skills?"

"Then there'd probably be a lot less snuggling."

"You like snuggling. I do it to keep you happy." He squirms in closer as he says it.

Julian puts his pad down and wraps both arms around him. Haltingly, he repeats the most important phrase. I love you.

Garak hides his face in Julian's side and makes a strangled noise. Julian just combs his fingers through his hair and waits while he puts himself back together. Ezri would probably try to get him to talk about it, asking why those words in his own tongue were so significant, when was the last time he heard them. But Julian suspects there's a chance Garak's never heard them out loud, at least not addressed to him, not from anyone who really meant it.

That kind of thing doesn't need to be put in words. It doesn't need to be pinned down as a fact and examined. Their love exists in the things that are never said, in the understanding between the words, in the truth that hides in lies.

After a minute Garak raises his head and kisses him, runs his hands over soft, smooth skin and curls his hips to make his desires known. Julian answers in kind, and makes love to him with as much tenderness and gentle passion as he's ever known. When Garak silently weeps afterwards, still clinging to him, he continues to hold him close without questions. They both know that something is healing.

Still, there's one question that needs to be asked, and once Garak has calmed, it feels like the right time to ask it.

"Julian?"

"Yes, love?"

"I know that you've sacrificed a great deal for me."

"It's worth it. You're worth it."

He sighs. "Nevertheless, it shows a great deal of commitment. I'm aware that I haven't offered you the same kind of promises."

"Not in so many words, no. But you've shown it in your actions, and that's what counts."

"Just listen, I'm trying to tell you something honestly for once."

Julian touches their foreheads together. "I'm listening."

"As you say, in my case, actions mean more than words. You've offered to bear me a child. It's not something I had ever considered possible for myself until I thought about it with you. And now it seems like the most sacred gift anyone could give me." He takes a deep breath, as if saying something this honest is the most difficult thing he's ever done. "You met my father. I don't want… our child should not have to carry a burden like that. So I've been thinking. How would you feel about getting married? Theoretically?"

"Garak?"

"Yes?"

"Will you do me the honour of being my husband?"

"Yes."

"There. It's settled, then." They kiss. "Just out of interest, when we do marry, would I be considered your husband or your wife?"

"It's less common for two men to marry, but it's not unheard of. Although…"

"What?"

"You're a doctor. Half your patients already refer to you in the feminine- not disrespectfully, of course, just out of habit. And if you start popping out babies as well, you might have to be prepared for some people to make incorrect assumptions."

"So long as I don't have to wear a dress to the ceremony."

"I think you look quite breathtaking in a tux. Or anything, really."

"How about my tiny tennis shorts?"

"I think that would be highly unfair to all the guests."

"I think you should make my outfit. You make me feel beautiful."

"I can do that."

"And if anyone starts referring to me as your wife, I'll just tell them I'm not an average kind of man."

"You're definitely far from average. You're exceptional. And I'm very lucky to have you."

"I'm lucky to have you, too."

Garak grins. "I still don't love you, though."

Julian grins back. "And I still don't believe you."