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"Roger."
David whispered it softly, pressing a kiss to the back of the other man's head.
"Talk to me, baby, what's wrong?"
Roger didn't say a word; he didn't even move. There may as well have been a statue in the bed with David, his arms wrapped around stone.
But Roger was warm, and breathing, and alive, even if he didn't like to acknowledge that fact.
"Don't… don't talk like that," Roger spoke after a few seconds. "You don't have to."
"You don't want me to…?" David asked; he'd spoken like that in the past and Roger seemed to have enjoyed it, even if it hadn't meant anything.
Well. It had meant something. Just not what it usually meant.
"No," Roger said in a hush, "I want it. But you don't have to."
"I want to," David reiterated. Even if it didn't mean that, it still felt right, to talk to Roger like he loved him.
"If you say so," Roger mumbled. David adjusted his arms, holding the other man a little tighter, as if to squeeze understanding into him. It's okay. I'm here. You're here.
"What's wrong?" he asked again, just a gentle whisper, "You can tell me."
"Nothing. Everything. What do you want me to say?"
"Whatever you need to say."
"Everything's wrong. Nothing more need be said."
"This isn't wrong," David told him again, "You're not wrong."
Roger, finally, moved. David retreated, just a little, to give the other man room to flip over and face him. His long bangs were eclipsing one of his eyes, leaving just the other one, barely visible in the dim room, looking right up at David. It was wide, and frightened, and all-seeing.
"I can't even kiss you," Roger said, and David knew Roger's voice so well as to feel every ache and pain it buried, "Because it wouldn't be right."
"You can kiss me," David told him. "It wouldn't be wrong."
"It would be wrong of me. It would mean something you don't agree with."
"It doesn't have to mean that."
"It means it to me. I can't turn it off."
David closed his eyes. For the millionth time, he felt the doubts that he'd never dare speak aloud: that this was a mistake, that he was leading Roger on, that Roger was punishing himself by putting his face up against the glass of what he couldn't have, what David couldn't give him.
"It can mean it to you but not to me," David said, not entirely believing himself. It didn't seem right, like trying to fall upwards. But it was just feelings and words, wasn't it? It wasn't unnatural, what they were doing. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. "It doesn't have to be a mirror."
He opened his eyes. Roger shook his head a little, bangs falling away, revealing a full gaze that could make a lesser man shrink and retreat.
"I…" Roger trailed off, eyeing David, clearly not wanting to admit that he didn't understand. David didn't understand it either. But did they have to?
"It's okay," David said, trying to convince the both of them. "If we say it's okay then it's okay, right? Nobody else here to boss us around, eh?"
It was a stupid move, maybe. Trying to get Roger to bring out the steel and fire. Maybe David was being selfish. Maybe he just wanted to be fought for. Maybe that was cruel. It was already a fight that Roger couldn't win. But that's not what David was saying, was it? He was saying it didn't have to be a fight.
Roger closed his eyes, and leaned forward, and kissed David on the lips. It was short and chaste.
"Was that so bad?" David asked; no, wrong question. "Any good?"
Roger blinked. Then he leaned forward and kissed David again, deeper, longer; David kissed back a little.
He liked it. It wasn't a normal kiss, but that didn't make it bad. It felt wrong, the idea of Roger not being kissed by anybody. And it felt like an honor to be the one to get to kiss him, even if he was a consolation prize.
"I'm sorry," Roger said, a genuine apology, one that could only come out somewhere as dark and secret as this. "I wish I didn't need you."
"I know," David said, because how could he not feel for his friend? "But I don't mind being needed. Really. And it was a good kiss."
"Really," Roger said flatly, clearly skeptical.
"It doesn't have to be, y'know," David told him earnestly, "Sexual. It was a good kiss."
"You'd kiss your mum like that?"
"Christ, Rog, no need to bring her into this…" David said with a giggle, not because it was funny but because he was pleased to see Roger's mood improve.
They fell silent, and something needed to be said, so David told him once again, "It's okay. Really."
"If you say so," Roger said, closing his eyes.
"You act like you're a burden," David said, closing his eyes in turn, knowing his words were going to push hard and so trying to ease off in every other avenue, "But I like being here. With you."
He wrapped his arms around Roger properly again.
"I love you," he told him, and he meant it.