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Lucien had gone on, his tone pleading. Tamlin. Tam. Just let her train, let her master this—if the other High Lords do come for her, let her stand a chance…
Silence fell as they let Tamlin consider.
My feet began moving the moment I heard the first word out of his mouth, barely more than a growl. No.
With each step up the stairs, I heard the rest.
We give them no reason to suspect she might have any abilities, which training will surely do. Don’t give me that look, Lucien.
Silence again.
Then a vicious snarl, and a shudder of magic rocked the house.
Tamlin’s voice had been low, deadly. Do not push me on this.
I retreated to my room. I didn’t need to hear anymore—either of the worries Ianthe had of my being captured for breeding or of Tamlin’s stubbornness. I laid on top of my bed fully dressed, facing the window. I felt trapped, neutered, out of control of my own life.
After some time, there was a soft knock at my door.
“Come in.” I had to clear my throat in order to speak. It felt like I’d used my voice sparingly lately.
I didn’t turn over but heard the door open. Someone stepped inside, closed it quietly behind them.
“Feyre?” It was Lucien’s voice. I hummed in reply. “I tried to talk to him. About training you.”
“I heard.”
“You heard?”
I nodded, still facing the window. I wasn’t mad at Lucien, wasn’t trying to ignore him, I was just so exhausted that even the idea of turning over seemed daunting.
“I’ll train you, Feyre. As much as I can. But we can’t let him find out.”
That got my attention. I pushed myself into a somewhat upright position and turned to look at him. Lucien’s red hair was loose around his shoulders, golden eye glistening in the moonlight. He stood just inside the door.
“You will?”
Lucien nodded. “I’m not sure how helpful I’ll be but I can at least teach you about the power you got from Autumn, fire, and about winnowing. Tamlin thinks this will make you a target and I understand that but it’s too dangerous to ignore all of this. You need to be able to defend yourself. Besides, you’ll accidentally burn the house down the first time you get angry.” Lucien smirked, clearly trying to lighten things with a little humor.
Humor or no—I didn’t care. I was relieved that I’d be able to do something, anything. “Thank you, Lucien. Thank you.”
“We’ll start tomorrow while Tamlin is out on patrols. Get some rest.”
The next morning moved slowly. I was eager to start training but as the day progressed and it reached mid afternoon I started feeling nervous. I had no idea what I was doing, no idea how to control the things my new body was doing.
Lucien found me walking in the gardens as soon as Tamlin left for his afternoon patrols. I feigned more confidence than I felt when he ushered me to follow him inside. He lead me up to his room which I realized I’d hardly seen before. It looked different than the rest of the manor, decorated in deep reds and golds with touches of earthy green. A fire burned in the hearth, more for ambience than for actual heat it seemed. It was warm, inviting. It reminded me of Lucien, actually. Despite the inviting atmosphere, it felt strange to be standing in Lucien’s room—like I was seeing something I wasn’t supposed to.
Lucien’s manner had been rather serious when he came to fetch me outside but once the door shut behind me, he turned to face me with a small smile.
“Nervous?” he asked me.
“What makes you say that?”
He inclined his head toward my waistline where I was gripping the fabric of my skirt tightly, twisting it around my fingers. “Your hands.”
I let go, smoothing my skirt back into place. “Just don’t want to burn the place down.”
Lucien took a step toward me and gave me a reassuring smile. “I won’t let that happen.” I nodded in reply, eyes drifting to look around his room more. “And Feyre?” I looked back at him. “I’m sorry about him—about Tamlin. He’s just trying to protect you.”
“I know he’s your closest friend, Lucien, but that doesn’t mean you need to make excuses for him.”
Lucien looked like he had more to say on the subject but only nodded in reply. “Let’s get started then.”
“In here?”
He nodded toward the adjoining bathing room. “Here, actually.”
Skeptical, I followed him in to find a bathing room that looked much like my own decorated in richer colors that matched his bedroom. The floor was a diamond pattern tile, covered in several plush rugs. A counter and was basin took up the left side, a stained glass window the right. It let in a warm glow through patterns of roses and vines without letting anyone see in. Right in the middle of it all sat a large clawfoot tub filled with clear water.
I looked over at Lucien questioningly.
“I was trying to think of the best way to start teaching you to channel heat and fire without burning yourself or anyone else. I thought we could start with warming the water.”
He looked about as unsure as I felt. Then again, teaching someone who was once human how to use powers like these had probably never happened before in the history of Prythian.
“So should I just put my hands in and…what? Think of warmth?”
He smirked at me. “Not exactly. It’s more…emotionally dependent than that. Here, get in and I’ll try to explain it.”
“Get in? As in…”
“As in get in the water.”
“Fully dressed?”
He shot me a roguish grin. “Well, normally my female companions wear far less than that when they join me here but I’ll let you decide what suits you best. I know what I’d prefer though.”
I rolled my eyes and hoped Lucien didn’t notice the blush I could feel spreading across my cheeks. “Impudent,” I muttered, beginning to unfasten the buttons down the front of my dress. Lucien’s playful attitude lifted my spirits though, if only momentarily. He always had a knack for saying something to make me laugh.
He raised his eyebrows at me. “Don’t get too excited,” I said, “I just don’t want to have to explain to Ianthe later why my gown is soaked.”
I kicked off my shoes and slipped off my pale green gown, draping it on the counter by the wash basin. I braided my hair quickly. I felt oddly small standing in front of Lucien in just my linen chemise. Without shoes on, he was more than a full head taller than me, standing fully clothed in his white shirt and green trousers.
Stepping to the center of the room, I stepped into the tub, gasping at the cold water now covering my legs up to just above my knees.
“It’s frigid!”
Lucien was trying, and failing, not to laugh. “Well that’s why we have to warm it up! Come on, sit. Get comfortable.”
I took a deep breath before forcing myself into the cold water, trying my best to relax against the back of the tub, all the while muttering curses under my breath. Lucien did nothing but laugh at my distress as he knelt next to the tub by my head. The water turned my white linen nearly translucent and the clear water did little to obscure anything below.
My body felt tense, resisting the cold bathwater. I was eager to get started and warm myself up. “So you said emotionally dependent?” I looked up at Lucien kneeling over me and couldn’t help but notice his gaze snap back to my face quickly.
“That’s right. It’s more than a matter of thinking of fire or heat or warmth, you need to generate it from within.”
“And how do I do that?”
“Feel something…fiery. Then picture it moving through you and leaving your body. It’s a little hard to explain but I think once you’ve done it, it won’t be hard to recreate.”
Fiery. Truthfully, I hadn’t felt much of anything lately other than fear—I hated that I had become that, someone perpetually afraid—and the fear never felt fiery. It felt like ice running through my veins. I closed my eyes and tried to feel anger, the first thing that came to mind when I thought of a fiery emotion. I thought of Tamlin telling me no over and over, Ianthe tittering around the manor, tried to feel anger toward Amarantha. I swore for a moment I felt the water get even colder.
“I don’t think it’s working,” I said after a minute, opening my eyes.
Lucien was looking at me intently, both eyes seeming focused on me and me alone. His beautiful red hair was bound behind his shoulders today except for a few strands that had escaped around his temples.
“What were you feeling?”
“I tried to feel anger but—” I faltered, unsure how honest I wanted to be. But this is Lucien. My friend. I turned my head, looking over at him fully. “Truthfully, Lucien, I haven’t felt anything recently. I feel hollow.”
“Oh Fey,” he reached a hand out, tucking a strand of hair behind my ears that had fallen out of my hastily done braid. His fingers grazed my cheek in the process, the heat from his skin warming a trail across my face. He was certainly not having trouble generating heat. Was he angry on my behalf? “I understand. We all came away from this with our own scars.”
Our eyes met and I knew he did understand. He understood in a way Tamlin wouldn’t let himself, too concerned with protecting me and pushing down his own pain.
Lucien’s fingers still lingered on my skin, though they’d dropped a little lower to my neck. The low golden light from the fixture hanging above us made him look almost otherworldly: the hard line of his jaw glowing in the warmth against the soft white of his shirt. His russet eye hadn’t left mine. There was more than pity in there though.
I cleared my throat and he pulled his hand back. We both shook ourselves out of the moment.
“Anger is a good one to try but it can also be hard to control, hard to pull back when you want to,” Lucien said.
“If not anger, what do you usually use?”
Lucien grinned, the boyish expression lighting up his face, our moment of sincerity seemingly forgotten which I was completely alright with. I wasn’t ready to have those conversations. “Well, what else makes you feel fiery, Feyre?” He raised his eyebrows meaningfully.
“I don’t…” Oh. I rolled my eyes dramatically, lifting a hand to flick a little water at Lucien’s face. “Lucien, be serious. I’m really trying to learn this!”
He wiped the water from his face, laughing. “I am being serious!” He held out his hand, palm facing upward, and I gasped when a lick of flames appeared there, radiating heat. “There’s nothing more fiery than lust, passion. Anger works but it’s hard to control and limited in many ways. Passion ignites your whole body. All you have to do is feel it and let it radiate out of you. You don’t even have to direct it to one spot, that’s why I wanted you to be fully immersed in the tub. Don’t worry about directing it or controlling it yet, just let it out.”
This felt ridiculous but Lucien seemed as serious as ever, despite his caddish grin. He closed his hand, the flame extinguishing. “Come on, Fey, I’ve shared a roof with you and Tamlin. I know you’ve got it in you.” I scoffed and splashed him again. He laughed, catching my hand from his position kneeling next to the tub. “Just give it a try. For me.” He let go of my hand which I brought back under the water.
“Fine.” I shook my head before closing my eyes again and letting loose a long sigh, doing my best again to relax against the back of the tub.
Lust. Passion. Other things I had certainly not been feeling lately. But I did distantly remember what that felt like, to desire and be desired. To be overcome with the feeling of wanting. It did feel like heat, radiating from my center to flow into every inch of my body. I remembered that.
I tried to feel it then—tried to think about Tamlin and I before Under the Mountain, before a piece of my spirit had been left behind there. Tamlin over me in bed, lips on mine, bodies intertwined. Tried to feel that excitement, that heat. I didn’t feel lust though—I felt stress. I felt the lack of feeling I’d had lately, the hole in our relationship that had been gnawing quietly at us both. It was impossible to separate the sex we’d had before from the way I’d been feeling about him lately: jailed, monitored, overprotected.
“Relax,” Lucien said in a low, soothing voice. Something must have showed on my face. His voice felt present, close. He was speaking just next to my head from where knelt on the floor. I felt his warm breath on my neck. “No pressure, no rush. Don’t overthink it, just feel.”
His voice so close to me sent goosebumps skittering across my arms. I thought of Lucien’s warm skin as he moved a piece of my hair, the heat he generated. Without meaning to, I thought of Lucien kneeling next to me right then, seeing me as I was: eyes closed, lips parted, white linen dress near translucent under the water, clinging to my skin. I suddenly felt his presence so acutely I couldn’t ignore it. I could feel how close he was to me, could see in my mind’s eye his fiery red hair, the golden skin of his chest peeking through the opening of his shirt. The way his hand felt brushing mine while passing wine at dinner, the light in his eyes and his wolfish grin when he play-flirted to get a rise out of me or Tamlin.
Suddenly, I felt warmth. The chill from the water evaporated and turned as hot as the baths I took to calm myself down at night. My lips were parted, chest rising and falling. The heat was radiating out from within me and it felt like it was generated from my very bones.
“I think it’s working.” It came out as a whisper for some reason. I opened my eyes, startled to see Lucien’s intense gaze so close to me. He cleared his throat quickly, resumed his playful smirk.
“See, I knew you had it in you. Let me feel.” He sat up on his knees more, rolling his sleeves and leaning over the ledge of the tub to put his hand in the water. As his hand broke the surface, it grazed my waist and I hoped he didn’t notice the water get a degree or two warmer. “Well done, Feyre. We’ll have you burning down buildings in no time.” He was trying to force a jokey tone back into his voice.
Channeling the heat like this was doing a strange thing to my own body. The feeling that was generating it, all of that want and desire and lust, seemed impossible to ignore. Not like it was unnaturally intense but like what I could normally push down and ignore was fully on the surface, moving through me relentlessly.
I thought about Lucien’s hot fingers grazing my cheek, his hand holding the flame. What had he been feeling?
The hand Lucien was testing the water with, the one that had grazed my side, found me again, resting in the curve of my waist. His hand was as hot as the water. I looked up, meeting Lucien’s gaze. He was so close, kneeling over me right over the edge of the tub. All I’d have to do was…
But Lucien moved first. His grip on my waist tightened and I gasped slightly as he leaned over the last few inches and kissed me. It started simple, almost chaste. Just an insistent press of his lips to mine. Then I raised a hand from the water, threading it into his hair, and we were gone.
I opened my mouth to him and he groaned from somewhere deep in his chest as our tongues met. The sound reverberated through my body and suddenly I couldn’t get enough. We kissed like we needed it to breathe and it felt so good, so intoxicating to feel so much.
He reached into the water with his other hand and scooped me up like I weighed nothing. Water splashed everywhere as he pulled me out and on top of him. He still knelt on the floor with me now straddled across his lap, his hands on my back holding me to him tightly. I draped my arms over his shoulders, deepening our kiss even more. I felt breathless, like I was spinning. I tilted my head, our tongues meeting again and again, teeth grazing lips.
He pulled back for just a moment, pressing his forehead to mine. He was breathing hard. His hands that had been pressed to my shoulder blades moved slowly down my back over the soaked fabric of my chemise.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that, Feyre,” he murmured just an inch from my lips. His hands grazed my ass, slipping under my dress and moving up my back again. His hands on my bare skin made me feel crazy. Desperate. It was such a relief to feel anything at all and all I could think about was wanting more.
I leaned back in, resuming our frantic kissing. I could feel the hard length of him between my legs, my core pressed directly to him. His hands slid from my back, pulling my dress off over my head. His hands found my front, covering my breasts and squeezing before using his thumbs to graze my nipples. It sent little shocks of pleasure through my body and I whimpered into his mouth.
With hardly a thought I tested rocking myself on his hard length pressing between my legs, chasing more feeling. He groaned into my mouth and I took that encouragement to move more insistently, my clit rubbing across him over and over.
He pulled back from our kiss, pressing his forehead to mine again. “Yes, Feyre, yes. Does that feel good?”
“Yes,” I practically whimpered. “So good.”
He moved his hands to my ass, helping me move in a steady rhythm. A string within me was pulling taught, bringing me right up to the edge of something.
“Oh…gods…”
Suddenly, I noticed the smell of something burning. The fabric of Lucien’s shirt was starting to smolder where it was bunched up in my hands. I gasped and wrenched my hands away, shocked at what I’d done without even being aware of it.
Lucien only chuckled though and shifted us, laying me on my back on the rug that covered part of the tile floor. He pulled his singed shirt off over his head
“Maybe we leave these here until I have time to teach you how to not do that,” he said, gently pinning my wrists to the floor above my head and tying them together with his shirt. “Much better.” He knelt over me, smirking like the cat that got the canary, gaze roaming over my bare torso, fingers soon trailing after.
I felt exposed, vulnerable being almost completely naked save for my underwear, but his fingers trailing over my skin soon lulled me back into the moment. He was kneeling by my hip, hand skimming over my chest, my breasts, down my bare stomach, then resting on my upper thigh. His eyes were on my face, watching me as he started to use his thumb to rub circles on my clit through the fabric. My cheeks burned under his stare but I moaned despite myself and writhed under his touch.
After a few moments, he slid my panties down my legs and off, tossing them somewhere to the side. My head was still spinning, barely able to wrap my mind around what was happening. Lucien over me, Lucien stripping the last piece of clothing from my body, Lucien sliding my feet toward my ass to prop my legs up, then pushing them open.
His thumb was on my clit again, bare now, tracing little circles. He knelt between my legs, lips finding my bare knee and kissing me there, then a little higher, and a little higher. My breath was coming fast and hard, sounds escaping me unbidden. Lucien’s mouth was on my inner thigh now, kissing me almost reverently.
“Lucien, I…” I started.
“Don’t tell me to stop, Feyre,” he said, lips still against the skin of my thigh. My heart was beating fast in my chest, heat and tension building intensely in my core. His hand moved, a finger now teasing over my entrance, up and down through the wetness there. “I mean, you can, but please don’t.”
His mouth found my clit just as he sunk a finger into me. My breath caught and a high whine escaped my throat. He pinned down my hip with one hand, buried a second finger in me with the other while he lapped and sucked on my clit.
It was a good thing he tied my hands up because my body felt on fire.
“Oh…gods…Lucien,” I whined between painting breaths in a voice I hardly recognized.
His pace was slow and deliberate, so different than what I was used to with Tamlin. It felt like he knew exactly what he was doing with every movement, intentionally taking me apart bit by bit. He crooked the two fingers inside of me, moving them against a spot that made my vision blur. His tongue still moved against me and I completely fell apart. His hand pinning my hips to the floor was the only thing grounding me to reality as I came hard around his fingers, doing my best to not scream and risk someone hearing.
My eyes were squeezed shut but I could feel him pull back to watch me, fingers still working me through my orgasm. Once the wave began to settle, he pulled his hands away and his mouth found mine again, kissing me deeply. I was distantly aware of the sound of him undoing his belt, taking his pants off.
His lips left mine, trailing across my jaw to my neck as he settled his body between my legs, his hard length finding my entrance. His teeth grazed my collarbone as he pushed inside of me. I whined at the stretch, even as he moved slowly to try to let me adjust. He started moving his hips back and forth, sinking deeper with every forward motion.
I moaned as the stretch intensified. I badly wanted to run my hands through his hair, over his shoulders, have some sense of control, but they were still tied above my head.
“Just a little more,” Lucien said, groaning a little as he bottomed out inside of me. “Cauldron, Feyre.” He started moving more then, fucking me deliberately.
I was still there but I was also gone, completely lost in sensation. The floor against my back, Lucien’s hard body pressed to mine, skin against skin, him moving in me deep enough I could feel it reverberating through my whole body, his mouth on mine again, kissing me deeply.
“Gods, I would’ve taken you the moment I met you if I’d known you’d feel like this,” he said between kisses.
I wanted to reply, wanted to tell him how good he felt, but all I could do was gasp and moan as he found some spot inside me that sent sparks shooting across my vision. One of his hands tangled in my hair, tightening and pulling a little in a way I wasn’t sure he was even aware of.
The burning stretch of him had eased into something hot and viscous, hitting so deep inside me it almost hurt but lived just on that perfect edge. I was falling fast, about to cum again. The string was pulling so taught it almost scared me.
“Please, Lucien, I—” my hands gripped at nothing, trying to find something to ground myself. I dug my fingernails into my palms and my breath stopped in my chest as I came, heat spreading throughout my entire body, my core tightening almost painfully around Lucien.
“Yes,” he groaned, “yes, Feyre.” My name on his lips reverberated through me as I let the orgasm wash over me. It felt so good to feel something. I’d been walking around empty and afraid ever since coming back from under the mountain. This was one of the first moments I felt good, seen.
“Wait, wait, I can’t—” I pleaded for something, trying in vain to wriggle my hips away from him and the orgasm rolled from one right into another, completely overwhelming my senses. I felt myself losing what last semblance of control I had but Lucien only kept up his pace that had become harder, even deeper.
“You’re okay, Fey, just let go. I got you, I promise.” His voice was rough in my ear. My vision blurred. I felt rather than heard myself cry out as I gave in whether I meant to or not, body going pliant and loose.
Lucien was speaking with his lips against my hair, words I could hardly make sense of as I lost myself to pleasure. “Never going to get this out of my mind, fuck. I don’t know how I’ll sit across from you two at dinner and not think about this. Gods—”
His hips sputtered against mine and he came with a rough groan.
He pulled out, kneeling up over me once again, eyes skimming the entirety of me from head to toe like he was trying to memorize this moment.
I was trying to catch my breath, trying to catalogue the sensations my body was feeling. Pleasure, pain, exhaustion, wet hair spread out around my shoulders, limbs heavy. Lucien reached forward, untying his shirt to free my wrists.
Collapsing onto the floor next to me, just as out of breath as I was, Lucien reached over and took my hand pulling it to his mouth and kissing the tips of my fingers. “Cauldron, Feyre.”
“I know,” I agreed, still breathless. I reached out to the side, grabbing Lucien’s shirt and holding it up in front of me. Two holes were burnt in it where my hands had been. “Sorry about your shirt,” I said.
“We’ll work on that,” he replied, a smirk blooming on his lips.
“I might need some more training,” I replied with a smirk of my own.
“That,” he said, shifting his weight so that he leaned over me, “can definitely be arranged.”