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When Tsukasa woke up, he knew something was wrong. And usually, when something was wrong right when he woke up, he was either sick or late; two very unlikely events that still happened as much as he loathed so. He bolted upright, fully awake. He wasn’t clammy or dizzy, so he probably wasn’t sick, not to mention his ability to bolt upright in the first place. Great! That made things less complicated at the very least.
But wait, that meant he was late! He whirled his head over to his alarm clock-
…Only to see that his alarm wouldn’t be going off for another 5 minutes.
Oh.
Well now he just felt silly.
With a chuckle and finally calming down, he surveyed his body. After all, it couldn’t be nothing that woke him up. And he did feel… off. But not in a way that felt familiar. His room was normal, the sun wasn’t quite up yet, and the house was quiet as ever.
Oh well, maybe he had a weird dream.
Tsukasa swung his legs over the side of his bed, deciding that it would be fine to just wake up now and start getting dressed. But that odd feeling came back… it felt even stronger now. Looking down at his legs and the bed-
He could see the bed. Through his legs. As in he might as well have been a projection from one of Rui’s inventions because he can see the bed and the sheets and the undisturbed blankets that hadn’t moved even a little when he got up and he could see the floor past his feet and gripping the blanket felt weird and-
Tsukasa bit his cheek to ground himself. Okay, okay, not the first weird thing that’s happened to him. For goodness sake, he was friends with Hatsune Miku. Last time he freaked out over something like this, he knocked himself out. Not doing that again.
…If he was even able to knock himself out again.
Nope! No! None of those thoughts! He was already nervous and didn’t need a spiral on top of that. He was just… a bit untied! Yes! In a form like a virtual singers were in his world! Maybe something went weird with the Sekai and he’s just experiencing the effects of it! Easy explanation, Tsukasa, good job Tsukasa!
He nodded to himself, repeating those words as a mantra. Through this, he willed himself to stand up. When he turned around to make his bed out of habit, his unconscious face stared right back at him.
All of his calming just seconds earlier went out the window and his heart lurched into his throat. It was a downright unnatural thing to be staring at your own face physically in front of you.
What… what had happened!?
The panic from earlier came back full force, and he screamed in shock, only for the volume he’d normally expect to not have the same impact. No strain on his throat, no pressure in his ears; it was as if he were crying his heart out in a dream. He could hear himself, but he also felt like he wasn’t screaming at all.
His alarm clock went off, and Tsukasa choked in fear when “he” opened his eyes and reached over to shut it off. Helpless to react in any significant way, he watched in shock and terror as he… his body? Got up and threw the blanket off before swinging his legs over the side of the bed (just like he’d already done) and turned off his alarm. Tsukasa watched his own face yawn and blink remaining sleep out of his eyes. After yawning, instead of immediately going about his daily morning routine, Tsukasa watched his body’s eyebrows furrow, as if something were wrong or confusing.
“...Hm…” was all his body said. Tsukasa couldn’t help but wonder what this other “him” was thinking. He woke up on time… maybe his body was sick? Does he know that something’s wrong? That a version of him is standing right there? But his body doesn’t react at all to Tsukasa’s presence. Just gets an uncomfortable twinge to his face, like he’s thinking hard. The expression is undoubtedly something Tsukasa would make, but that made it even more obvious that something was very wrong.
Even so, there was nothing Tsuksas could do but watch as his body shrugged off the strange feeling and began to go about his normal morning routine. All Tsukasa was able to do was trail behind.
“Hello?” he tried to call out. But no, there was no response. and judging by how the rest of the house being completely silent still, nobody had heard his scream.
Maybe… maybe he was dreaming after all. The thought came to him as he watched himself brush his teeth. That would make sense, right? If h wasn’t watching himself go about his regular day, then he might have thought it really was an issue with the Sekai. Like if he got stuck in-between or something. But this felt like something else entirely. Whatever was happening, Tsukasa wished it would just end already. He could hear Saki waking up, along with their parents, and he didn’t know what would happen if they saw him like this.
“Heyyy, Tsukasa!” Saki’s voice called from outside the bathroom. His body moved on its own, spitting out the toothpaste and calling back.
“Good morning, dear Saki! I’m almost done!”
“Okay, hurry up! I’ve gotta get going earlier today!” Saki called back. Tsukasa, despite not having done anything nor being able to take action, felt the need to heed his sister’s request and hurry. But all he could do was watch as his body called out in affirmation and resume brushing. Only, for just a moment, that troubled look of confusion graced his features. The brushing slowed until Tsukasa himself was getting frustrated at his body’s inability to consider his sister.
His body finished brushing at the agonizing pace and washed his face. Then, Tsukasa knew that he was supposed to head out of the bathroom next to dress himself for the day.
But his body just… stilled. That same troubled look on his face. Golden eyes stared back at themselves, but only in the mirror. His body let out a heavy sigh.
“What is with me today?” he mumbled. Then, he watched from this strange perspective as his body did something he hadn’t had to do in years. Since he was a child. His body straightened his back, took a deep breath, and flashed an actor’s sparkling smile at his own reflection, practiced to perfection.
“Today’s just one of those days. Tomorrow will be better, brighter, and filled with smiles. just make the most of today, and try again afterwards.” he said to his reflection. With a confident nod to himself, he spun around on his heel, scaring the invisible version of him hovering worriedly by, and exited the bathroom with a flourish.
“Dear Saki, the bathroom is all yours!” he called out into the house. And as he watched himself put on shoes after getting dressed, Tsukasa really hoped his body was right. Tomorrow… had to be better. At least, it couldn’t be this. Yeah.
As he watched himself talk happily to Saki until they had to part ways on their routes to school, he reassured himself. This was a dream. He’d wake up, do the morning or day over as just himself, and life would continue. Tomorrow would be better.
But… this whole experience was lasting a long time for a dream. There was nowhere to sit when class started, since he was still separated from himself. So he just found a spot on the floor close to the board and tried to pay attention, but it was hard. Especially when he was constantly looking to the rest of his class, checking to see if anyone noticed he was sitting there. The way not a single soul could see that he was sitting right there made his stomach churn.
At one point, he stood up to look at his body’s notes since he’d missed a section when trying to get the teacher to notice him. But they were sparse, at best. Chunks of the lesson were missing from his notebook, and Tsukasa’s lack of focus apparently extended to his body.
Hopefully he'd be able to make up the lesson or look at someone else’s notes. Embarrassing? Absolutely. But there was no getting around it. Would anyone even believe him if he told someone about this?
No. Well, maybe. But if he told someone about some one-off nightmare of a school day, they’d probably be more worried than needed, and it would do more harm than good.
How awful.
But, now, detatched from his body and viewing his school day as normal, he caught glimpses of some things he hadn’t begun to think about before.
For one, Akito was giving him strange looks. But Tsukasa could see that he was acting as normal. Bright smile, loud voice, big movements. It was all there.
“Hey, Tsukasa-Senpai.” Akito said after a longer one-sided conversation than normal.
“Yes?”
“I’m busy. Don’t you need to meet up with your teammates or something? That other crazy guy is probably looking for you.” he said, bristly as ever.
“He is? Rui? Then I must find him, posthaste!” And just like that, Tsukasa’s body bounded off, not quite running but getting close, to find Rui. There was no pull to stay with his body as Tsukasa had been expecting, which allowed him to stay behind and observe Akito. Though there wasn’t much to observe. He just rubbed his shoulder where Tsukasa had gripped apparently too hard and rolled his eyes. Then, he turned around to go about his day, as if the encounter hadn’t occurred at all.
Tsukasa ran to catch up with himself before he could think about how that made him feel.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise to see his body and Rui getting along like a house on fire once he found the pair. It was strange not being the one on the outside, seeing the sparks of energy fly from the conversation, like a show in and of itself.
They ate together, it occurred to him that he wasn’t hungry like this, and Rui hoisted the veggies in his lunch onto Tsukasa like always. He almost wanted to make a few quips of his own, only to remember it wouldn’t be heard.
…How strange that somewhere so loud could feel so quiet. Tsukasa wasn’t hungry, nor did he feel full, but nausea surfaced the more he thought about it. The loneliness might as well have been hunger, and Tsukasa felt like if this nightmare didn’t end by tonight, he could very well starve.
Rui didn’t glance his way even once. And though he’d seen how troubled even his body was…
Perhaps he should be flattered. To be such a good actor that an event as severe as this wouldn’t be noticed by one of his closest friends. Saki hadn’t noticed a thing, either. Or Akito. They were all acting as if everything was normal. As an actor, a performer, a showman, to be able to put on this sort of persona was impressive. Maybe his body had fully immersed himself into the role, as Tsukasa had been training to do recently. Where feelings of the characters overrided his own and took his place. Maybe his body really was feeling as happy as he looked. Fake it til you make it, and all.
But… why didn’t that sit right with Tsukasa? why did the thought of being ignored by his own body make his stomach fill with loneliness and nausea? If he was happy, if his friends and family were happy, then feeling sad initially didn’t matter. He’d made it!
Rui and “Tsukasa” talked until the start of next period, all while Tsukasa never said a word.
By the end of school, when he followed Rui to Phoenix Wonderland for the reading of their next show they had begun to prepare for, Tsukasa could barely follow the conversation. He felt like a member of the audience, watching his own life play out before him.
“Oh, there’s Nene.” Rui pointed out. Indeed, halfway into their walk, they’d caught up to Nene who had left school earlier but walked slower than the pair.
“Wthat took you two so long?” She said, her tone with some bite but expression betraying her happiness in seeing them.
“We had to find each other, you know? I couldn’t let Tsukasa-kun walk here all on his own.” Rui said with a catlike grin on his face. Nene rolled her eyes.
“You would do that. You two are joined at the hip, I swear.”
And they continued. just… talking. Happily. Tsukasa wanted to join in, though given the situation, even if he were to suddenly re-enter his body as if he were never separated in the first place, his mood would be effectively poison for the happy atmosphere. The jokes wouldn’t land anymore and Tsukasa would be stuck trying to grapple with this awful experience he’d been dealing with all day.
So he just watched as “Tsukasa” and his friends talked and joked on their way to rehearsal, blissfully unburdened.
Emu was waving at them excitedly from the stage. And even though Tsukasa knew she couldn’t see him, he waved back anyway.
“Hi hi hiiii! Is everyone having a wonderhoy day?” she called out, voice clear as day despite still being far off.
“Wonderhoy as ever!” Rui called out, somewhat quieter but still loud enough to be heard from a distance.
“Good! I’ve got drinks for everyone today since it’s hot. Always drink water on hot days! Or sports drinks! Or something else that keeps you from being thirsty!” Emu exclaimed, waving them over to a small section of the stage corner where six bottles, three water and three sports drinks, were clustered together. The group thanked her as they finally got close enough for normal conversation volumes.
“Many thanks, Emu! Surely this will be a fantastic practice!” Tsukasa watched himself say with a confident smile. But, rather than Emu happily soaking up the compliment like he’d expected, as soon as she made eye contact with “Tsukasa”, her smile fell. Instantly, her face paled and mimicked what Tsukasa’s own face had likely looked like when he woke up this morning disembodied.
“Emu? What’s wrong?” Nene asked, thrown off by the sudden unresponsiveness.
“U-um…” Emu seemed at a loss for words. Did… did she notice? Tsukasa felt a bit bad for getting so excited at his friend’s distress. she was obviously petrified by something, but Tsukasa couldn’t help himself but to feel hopeful that just maybe she was able to see that something was wrong, where even Tsukasa himself was struggling to notice.
“Ts-ts-s-sukasa-kun? You don’t look very… Wonderhoy…” Emu looked afraid, for some reason. But her question caused the other two to look at “Tsukasa” a bit closer.
“Do I? I did have a bit of a strange morning, but I feel fine now.”
“Strange? Strange how?” Rui asked, now fully zeroed in on the actor in question. Tsukasa figured Rui knew better than to disregard Emu’s concern. Thank goodness. Despite still being invisible, despite the trouble being caused, despite his friends being obviously distressed all because of him, the loneliness in his gut ebbed, just that little bit.
“Like I woke up in a weird mood. Do I look tired, still?” his body asked. Emu shook her head, but she looked uncertain.
“Well either way, I assure you I’m feeling quite alright!” his body said, flashing that same, perfect smile that he’d seen in the mirror. But Emu wasn’t convinced. In fact, that only seemed to disturb her more as she tensed up, looking fully afraid of whatever she saw that the others didn’t. Silence stretched on for a few seconds, no member knowing exactly what to do or say next. Tsukasa waited with bated breath.
“Could we uh-” Emu finally got out, voice shaking a bit before she tried again. “Could we talk backstage a little?” she asked, finally making up her mind about what to do.
“Of course.” Tsukasa’s body agreed for him. “We’ll be back!” he declared to the other two, who were too caught off guard to respond properly and just nodded. Emu led “Tsukasa” backstage, making a move to grab his hand to lead him, hesitating, then finally mustering up the courage to do so, earning a “Woah!” that she disregarded. Tsukasa followed after them, sparing one last glance to Nene and Rui who were awkwardly left behind.
“O-okay.” Emu said, though it sounded more like she was hyping herself up than actually speaking to her troupemate. “We’re back here, it’s just us, you don’t have to worry. you can tell them whatever’s bothering you later, but pretty pretty please, at least tell me? I think… I mean…” Emu was getting choked up a lot. Tsukasa wanted to hug her. At the very least he wanted to put a hand on her shoulder. But whatever instinct he had to do that, just like how his body hadn’t hurried in consideration for Saki, was exclusive to the invisible version of himself. His body stood still, offering Emu no comfort, though still listened carefully.
Emu took a deep breath to steel herself.
“I don’t like keeping things from them, so I dunno how well I could do it, but if you really really don’t want to talk about it with everyone, then you don’t have to. But you absolutely positively need to tell me! If you tell me, I’ll do my best to act like nothing’s wrong. Actually- no! If you tell me and promise to let me help.” Emu said, hands shaking. She looked so scared.
“But… I really do feel fine.” His body responded, sounding just a tad helpless. Emu made a niose halfway between a similar helplessness and frustration.
“But… you’re not smiling!”
“I smiled just a bit ago. When you waved at us.”
“But not really! It was a smile, but not a smile, but it also… ugh, this is hard! You’re feeling really really not wonderhoy! I can tell! You’re smiling just like… I mean, it’s not a Tsukasa smile! I’ve never seen you smile like that. Pretty please tell me what happened or what you’re feeling or- something! I promise I won’t laugh or make you feel bad about it!” And to emphasize her point, Emu held out her right pinkie, ready to make a promise the most sincere way she knew how.
Tsukasa’s body hesitated, and he wasn’t sure himself how he’d react when given the same offer. He knew in his heart that if anyone at all, aside from his sister, would be so truly sincere about wanting to help and knowing that his smile was different, it was Emu. But still… it was a scary thing, this pure, desperate honesty.
Even once Tsukasa had made the internal decision, yes, he would absolutely tell her everything. Link his pinkie with hers and accept the promise that she’d do her absolute best. Even once he was sure about this decision, his body took a very long time before it followed suit. Twice the length Tsukasa thought reasonable and three times the length Tsukasa himself took to decide.
But the decision was made, and his body linked pinkies with Emu.
“Okay. But… I’m really not sure what to say.” he listened to his body speak on his behalf. “I just woke up feeling… empty? It’s hard to put into words.”
“That’s okay, words are hard. I’ll understand!” Emu insisted, and Tsukasa had no doubt that she would.
“Maybe isolated is a better word for it? I was brushing my teeth, and Saki asked me to hurry up. Normally… normally I’d hurry, right? Because I love her. But I didn’t. I even slowed down. That… that should be something I care about, right?”
“Did it make you sad?”
“No, I didn’t feel much at all. Just… off.” His body seemed just as confused about this whole mess as Tsukasa. Though, realistically speaking, they were the same person, right?
“Are you sad now?”
“I don’t have a reason to be.”
“But are you?”
And for the first time that day since he’d woken up, Tsukasa felt a weight to his chest that he hadn’t realized was missing. A pull, a physicality that had been present his whole life but had mysteriously disappeared that morning in his sleep.
“Maybe? But there’s no reason to be sad. Today’s been amazing!”
“Then maybe it’s something else. Is something bothering you?”
“No.” Tsukasa was surprised at how quickly his body responded. The physicality, grounding as it was, left as quickly as it had come. Emu pouted at him, and Tsukasa immediately felt bad for her. She was doing her best! Tsukasa really could be a jerk sometimes, huh? But his body did not rush to correct himself, much to his immense frustration.
“Are you sure?” Emu asked, holding up her pinkie as reminder. His body sighed.
“Last night… I went to bed after cleaning my desk.” Emu blinked at the sudden change in topic, but Tsukasa perked up, suddenly knowing what his body was doing. “And I finally put up the script for the show that Sakaki helped us with.” The show that Sakaki helped perfect. For some reason, the idea of such a perfect show didn’t bring back many memories of the audience’s smiles. Just- “The separation feeling, it sort of started then. Ish. It was… such a perfect performance. I don’t think I could have done any better.”
“So you were upset about how the show went?” Emu asked, though she didn’t sound sure about her guess.
“No! No, it was perfect. I don’t know why I was upset last night, but I thought sleeping on it would do some good. When I woke up, I was over it. I thought, anyway.”
“So you were upset last night?”
“Sort of?”
“What thoughts were in your head? Maybe that can help you express it?” Emu suggested. His body froze, pondering. Tsukasa remembered exactly what he was feeling then. It was similar to what he’d been feeling all day. Discontent, separation, disappointed that he had the gall to feel like-
“I was…” The physicality nudged at Tsukasa’s chest. “I was just so…”
Then, full force, with the weight crashing into his chest like a wave of water, only to cascade down his face as tears, physical tears ran away from his eyes, pooling around his eyelashes and obscuring his view of Emu who was now making eye contact with him.
“I was just so scared!” he sobbed, the emotional crisis from the night before disrupting his day, his rehearsal, his mental state. And now, rejoined with his physical body, he could finally take comfort in Emu’s warm hands gripping his own.
“I thought every day about killing my family, it all felt so real, but- but the show went great! Fantastic! I can’t believe it went so well! So why- why do I feel so-” Tsukasa didn’t even know what he felt. He just knew it was bad. How ungrateful did he have to be that the show going so good would have him this upset.
“Hey, Tsukasa? It’s okay, you can feel as… uh… not-wonderhoy as you want. It’s okay, I promise. Pinky promise.” Emu said, enveloping him in a hug. Emu made a lot of promises, Tsukasa’s realizing. She promised not to forget him before, she promised she wouldn’t make him feel bad. And she’s kept both of those. So Tsukasa felt okay believing that she’d keep this one, too. Despite not actually linking pinkies this time.
“You were really scared during that show, right?” she said. Tsukasa hated how pathetic he sounded when he responded.
“Yes…”
“Then cry a bunch now, since you didn’t before. Make plenty of room in your heart for smiles. We love you a whooooole bunch and were super worried about you then. Acting on stage is fine, but I don’t think you need to act all the time, okay?”
Oh Emu, always getting right to the root of it.
“Okay.” Tsukasa croaked. So much for having his voice stage-ready for rehearsal. “Sorry for getting your shirt wet.” he said, noticing his tears had made a noticeable spot on Emu’s shoulder. She just giggled how she always did, and an amazing warmth spread into Tsukasa.
“Don’t worry! I have another shirt! It’s got a cute dog on it!” she said, completely unbothered. Tsukasa, despite still crying, couldn’t help but laugh at her, pulling away to wipe his face.
“Oh, see! You’ve already made more room for smiles! You have soooo many of them!” Emu said, beaming up at him. Tsukasa knew his eyes were read and his face was a mess, but even through that, she could tell his smile was real.
“You’re a real mystery, you know that?” he said, still laughing through the tears. She just smiled up at him, bouncing on her heels while he tried and failed to stop crying. In the back of his mind, he remembered Rui and Nene who were no doubt anxiously waiting in the audience seating, probably trying and failing to review the script. Again, he felt bad for being happy that they were worrying, but it was just that much more proof that, even when something as impossible as this occurs, he wouldn’t be forgotten by them.
“You really won’t forget, huh?” Tsukasa asked after calming down enough to do so. Emu shook her head vigorously.
“We couldn't even if we tried! And I don’t care how much better it would make a show, I promise I won’t try, ever in a million years! Or a billion! Or a… whatever comes after!” Tsukasa wanted to retort as he always does, but she just triggered another wave of tears that left him sobbing, smiling all the while.