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He slowly let the dagger cut over his forearm.
Edmund sat on his bed, in the so magnificent bedchamber. It was very bright and just breathtaking, as opposed to his mind. Traitor Traitor Traitor
The tears in his eyes were now slowly running down his checks.
Traitor Traitor Traitor
Trying to numb the voices in his head, he cut more and more.
Edmund had been cutting himself for around two years now. And 10 minutes earlier, he thought he was clean for two months.
But of course, he had to hear those fauns talking about his betrayal.
Traitor Traitor Traitor
But they were right.
Why?
Why?
Why?
They could have died because of his selfishness.
Traitor Traitor Traitor
His hair was messy, and the clothes he wore all day, brown trousers and a green tunic, also did't look as glamerous as when he first put them on.
He had gotten the dagger one day here in Narnia. It didn't have much of value, but it did his job.
A quiet sob escaped his lips.
But seeing the lines, and feeling the slight sting already helped to clear his mind.
Traidior Traidior Traidior
Edmund didn't even hear the knock on his door.
But on the other side of the door, Peter stood, knocking again.
He just wanted to ask Edmund if they wanted to go out riding around a bit.
When nobody answered to the knocking, he just entered.
Edmund jumped harshly when the door opened, and his first reflex was to just throw the dagger on the floor and fastly pull down his sleeve.
"Ah, so you are here," Peter said, entering, "I just wanted to ask y-"
He said happily, but when his eyes landed on Edmund's eyes, which were puffy from crying, he got concerned. "Were you crying, Ed?"
"What?-oh, no. No, of course not." Edmund said quickly, his voice trembling. Not just his voice, his whole body, actually.
Peter, the older brother he is, was seeing right through his lies.
He smiled sadly and started walking towards his brother.
His eyes were still fixed on Edmund, so maybe he wouldn't even see the slightly bloody dagger on the floor. At least thats what Edmund hoped
But as he stood on something, he looked down. First frowned a bit, then picked it up. His eyes, going wide as he saw that there was blood on it. "Ed, what is that?"
Peter searched with his eyes only for injuries on Edmund's body. His gaze stopped on Edmund's left forearm, where his right hand was clinging to.
"Ed... what were you doing?"Peter asked slowly and warily walked towards Edmund.
Edmund didn't respond. He was just trembling and looked rather pale.
Peter warily put the dagger on Edmund's bedside table next to his crown and sat one the edge of the bed.
"Edmund...?"
Edmund just shook his head and tried to push Peter away with his feet. "No... Just just go away.... Please leave me alone."
"No," Peter said. "I did this way too often. Talk to me. "
Edmund started to cry again, and he hated himself for it.
"No. No. Go away." Edmund sobbed still holding on his forearm.
Peter saw this. He used the one second where Edmund held still and grabbed the arm to push up his sleeve.
Edmund was shaking his head "No no no!" He was sobbing.
He didn't want Peter to know this. It would break his heart.
But Peter already saw the woulds. Some old, and the new ones.
He didn't even realize the tears in his eyes. "Why? Why, Ed, why?"
"I'm sorry" The younger chocked out.
Peter was searcing his brothers face, pure concern across his features.
Edmund tried to slow down his breathing. "It's not deep." He argued.
"Thats not the point, Ed." Peter snapped back.
Why did he have to care so much?
Edmund thought he should be happy, that he had someone who cared for him, but he just felt guilty.
He was hurting the people around him more than himself. They didn't deserve that.
Peter didn't deserve seeing his scars.
Edmund was sobbing, but trying to calm down, when Peter suddenly hugged him. He freezed for a moment, but eventually, melted into the embrace.
After a while of the two brothers holding each other, Peter spoke up again. "Let's get this cleaned up, yeah?"
He stood up and pulled his brother with him to the attached bathroom. "You're not feeling dizzy from blood loss or something?"
Edmund has already calmed down a bunch. Now he did feel a bit lightheaded, but that's rather thanks to the situation, than blood loss. "No... It really isn't very deep."
When the brothers were sitting on the floor and Peter was cleaning up the cuts with some water and a cloth, they were sitting on the floor.
"How long have you been doing this already?"
"A while" Edmund eventually spoke. "But I haven't done it in two months. -until now."
Peter nodded, still increadibly concerned but trying to understand. "What made you return to it then...?"
Edmund looked down "Just- heared some fauns talking about- what I did..."
"And this was the solution?"
Edmund just shrugged.
Peter sighed and wrung out the cloth.
Then he stood up and got some bandages.
He returned to his brother and looked at the cuts.
"So many..."
Edmund felt guilty.
Edmund felt selfish.
Edmund felt regret.
Not about what he did to himself, but how he hurt the people around him with it.
Could he not just hurt on his own?
Why do the people around him have to hurt mote than he himself?
Peter wrapped the bandages around his younger brothers arm. More than was probably needed. But that didn't matter. He just wanted to care for his brother.
It was silent around them.
Peter was looking at Edmunds face, trying to figure something out. Searching for answers. Anything that would explain this.
Edmund could see the tears forming in his brothers eyes.
That just made everything worse.
He'd been doing better.
Why would he have to go on and figure it out and destroy all proceeds he's made.
This was really it.
His big secret was out.
That almost made Edmund laugh. He knew it's not funny. He didn't find it funny. But he couldn't suppress the hint of a smirk.
"It's not funny"
"I know." Edmund really tried to keep an serious expression. But that just made him feel even more silly.
"Is this funny to you? Are you proud of this?"
"What? no." That really did surprise him. Why would he be proud for hurting his family?
There was a time he was proud when he managed to cut deep. Sure. He used to be proud when it would scar.
But now? Now he didn't feel pride.
He felt shame.
He felt stupid.
He felt guilty.
He felt so much.
But not a hint of pride.
There was silence again. And Edmund hoped it could just swallow him completely. Make him dissappear.
Make this moment dissappear.
"I'm really sorry."
Did he still have the light hint of a smirk on his lips? He thought he got rid of that, but by the tone he heard his own words in, it seemed like he didn't.
Peter stared at him for a moment, the tears still in his eyes. "No, I'm sorry."
No. No, don't be sorry. Edmund thought, but he cound't get the words out.
"For not noticing this. I was supposed to notice this."
"No" Edmund brought out. "I was just hiding it well."
Now, that didn't sound as if he still had a smirk on his lips.
"Still"
"You just didn't know because I didn't want you to."
Peter hummed.
And it was quiet again.
"You know that will scar? That'll stay on your skin forever."
Edmund had thought of that already. He hated that. He lost some tears over the loss of the innocence of his skin.
But he had started to accept it.
Convince himself that the scars just told a story.
And everything that tells a story is in a way cool.
So the words that came out sounded rather harsh and protective. "I know."
"Do you like the look of it?"
Another one of these evil assumptions.
"No. I don't. But there's nothing I can do about it now, can I?"
That silenced Peter again.
They sat there for longer than Edmund would have liked.
He wanted to dissappear.
Yell at Peter, and tell him to get out.
Or just run out himself.
He wanted to cut again.
But he felt he couldn't do that anymore now.
He wanted to hurt.
But he didn't want to hurt the people around him.
And with hurting himself, he tended to hurt the people around him even more.
"We will talk about this. Later."
Peter said eventually, snapping Edmund out of his thoughts. He just nodded. He was not keen on this conversation.
"I won't tell anyone. Not yet. But Susan will have to know eventually." Peter continued.
Edmund nodded again. He liked the sound of that even less.
"Can you promise me you won't do it again? You won't do it if I leave you alone now?"
Edmund didn't want to speak up. Didn't want to sew promises to this.
But his brother needed his words.
"I promise." He said. "I promise you I won't."
And even though he didn't want to promise it anything, he did, and he meant it.
Peter left him alone, eventually. After all this none of the brothers really felt like going out riding .
And Edmund didn't cut again.
He knew this conversation was only the beginning of a long process.
And he was not keen on it.
But somewhere within himself he knew he had it coming.