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Felix tiptoed towards the room, silent as a mouse– trying to stifle his mischievous laugh.
He twisted the knob, the door opening soundlessly as he entered the room— plunging him into a darkness that made him let out a sigh of relief as he straightened properly— eyes locked onto the target; a lump on the bed that was covered head to toe in a thick blanket, barely discernible in the dark.
“WAKE UP!”
Felix yelled happily at the top of his lungs, abruptly turning on the light and jumping on top of the lump— barely giving them a chance to recover.
“W-wha?-” the lump mumbled out, startled as he pulled out the blanket over his head, revealing an explosion of curly blonde hair.
“What happened? Is the house on fire again!? I told you not to cook lix—” Chan started frantically while trying to rub the sleep from his eyes, while Felix let out a laugh as he sat sat crisscrossed on top of the older's legs.
“ Chill hyung, nothing happened. I was just waking you up.” Felix said with an innocent smile— knowing that the older would not yell at him for it.
Chan merely let out a tired sigh like he deals with it every day.
“Don't be so grumpy hyung!- I made coffee for you as a treat, just the way you like it.” He chirped before getting off the bed.
“Now go freshen up. Breakfast for today is pancakes!” Felix sing-sang before skipping away.
The older watched him walk away with a fond smile.
Even if he woke up today with a near-death heart attack— He wouldn't have it any other way.
When Chan emerged from his room, considerably more put together than before— curly hair tamed into neat waves, white sweater that smelled like cedarwood and febreeze. Home
Felix turned towards him with a beaming smile, legs dangling from where he sat on kitchen Isle— a large batch of pancakes next to him that he eyed dubiously
“Hyung!” Felix bounced towards him and gave him a hug, making the older smile automatically.
“Hey sunshine…please tell me you didn't make those pancakes?” Chan asked while eyeing it suspiciously— realising he did not ask its whereabouts before— as his sleep-addled brain did not comprehend how a boy with 0 cooking skills managed to get pancakes for breakfast.
“Obviously not hyung! Leeknow hyung gave me some leftovers yesterday. And I thought it's a good idea to have it as breakfast since you rarely get to have pancakes.” Felix explained happily as he placed a freshly brewed coffee cup on top of the table and put pancakes on both their plates— more of himself— before sitting down next to Chan, legs pressing against eachother like he couldn't bear to be 3 feet away from him
“You went to leeknow hyungs house yesterday?” Chan asked, interest piqued as he took a big bite out of his pancake.
“Yeah, I got bored after you went to work— oh!- he also he said, and I quote; “ if you don't grab your ass here before Friday bangchan, I swear to god I'll drag you out of the studio myself. I did it for both changbin and my idiot squirrel of a boyfriend so I won't hesitate to do it to you too.” With the full government name and all— I think your doomed hyung– if you don't visit him before next week.” Felix narrated with a gleeful smile, while Chan gulped his pancake nervously.
“I guess, it's about time I go visit him” Chan said with a nervous chuckle, already imagining Minho's wrath.
“Definitely…
Also I'm going grocery shopping after breakfast so if you have anything to buy just text me.” Felix added mindlessly while chewing on his pancakes— making his cheeks puff out and his lips all pouty.
Chan let out a hum in reply.
“I'm heading out now!”
Felix called out as the door shut close behind him, keys jingling as he pocketed it.
The sun was shining down on him, the few sparse clouds filling up the light blue sky doing nothing to shield him from the sun’s glare. he put on his sunglasses— thanking the lucky stars he remembered to put on sunscreen as he felt sweat dribble down his forehead, making him cringe.
Maybe he should take a stop at the ice cream shop after his done with grocery shopping.
He toyed with that thought as he walked forward, streets filled with a sticky humidity; the whole city shrouded in a summer haze.
Summer was usually his favourite season.
But that's only when the sound of ocean can be heard from miles away, volley balls clinging with golden sand are scattered on the ground, the sun at its peak like the youthful energy of the children running around with no bounds, while the smell of sunscreen mixed with the salty brine from the sea becomes prominent in the air the more people trickle in.
Just imagining it made him miss beach. Australia. Home.
Felix snapped out of his thoughts as the automatic door of the store opened, a breeze of cold air hitting his face making him let out a sigh of relief.
Greeting the staff with a smile, he grabbed a basket— phone in his other hand as he scrolled through the shopping list to find any items that is closests to the isles he is in currently— determined to finish shopping before the clock hits 5 pm.
Why 5 pm?
Because he wanted to watch a movie with Chan before he left to his job today.
Everything was going great. He has finished finding 88% of the items in the shopping list— and the rest are near the dairy isle. Which is further down at the back of the store.
There were barely any people when he walked down the dairy isle,humming a melody as he was lost in his own thoughts— wondering if he should buy brown bread or white bread this time.
Maybe I should buy bagels this time. Sounds good for breakfast.
Felix thought while looking through the vast section of bread, lost in descions and thoughts.
Everything was going great.
He was stuck in his little bubble, trying to figure out wether buying sourdough bread is economically efficient or just downright stupid— till everything went sideways.
At first he didn't feel it, just a flutter of air behind him.
But the next moment— while he was checking for the cheapest bread option; he felt it.
A hand on his butt, slowly making itself comfortable like it belonged there.
Felix froze, wondering if he imagined it. But as soon as the touch started going south—his heart constricted with fear; imagining a hand currently touching his body that he didn't consent to at all.
It Made Felix revolt— face pale as he whipped his head to turn around and face—
A man.
A man in his mid forties leaning against the dairy isles, just a few feet away from him— inconspicuously checking a milk carton like he was inspecting it for germs.
Normal. Casual. Ordinary.
Hands shaking, Felix swivelled around to his left, then to his right— trying to find out if anyone was there except the man, but there was no one.
His face flickered between embarrassment, uncertainty and fear— the intense emotions creeping up into his throat as for a brief moment he wondered if he truly imagined what he just felt.
But…
large warm hands creeped up under his shirt, long fingers slowly inching towards his butt, higher and higher —
No.
He didn't imagine it. He swears it.
Then why was the man standing near the milk carton like he didn't just violate him?
His head felt like a giant inflated balloon flooding with panic, uncertainty and guilt— feeling like he was blaming an innocent man that probably did nothing wrong— and yet…
There was a part of his brain that was screaming at him to get out—and that man was no good, but he had no proof.
No proof that the man did anything.
And that was making his brain go crazy.
Felix pinched himself to get it together, slowly picking up his stuff in a haze before he briskly walked out of the aisle, past the man— bile rising up his throat as he felt eyes on him.
Eyes that felt cold and predatory; ones that made his gut stir with danger.
He didn't register anything after that; briefly remembering the way the cashier gave him a sweet smile and spoke in a soft voice— not knowing that someone was assaulted in the very place they were working— and the victim was right in front of them; slowly breaking apart in the inside— a war going on inside his head.
Felix slowly picked up his groceries that the cashier kindly loaded for him, the white bags burning his retina as everything felt like a sludgy syrup, like he was made from the syrup itself too.
He didn't know how he went home in one piece—but once he blinked back to reality, he was back home, grocery bags piled up on the floor, and the sound of the door slamming shut ringing in his ears.
“ Hey lix!”
Chan appeared in front of him with a dimpled smile that he zoned in instantly— the smile dropping a few seconds later as the older properly studied his face, morphing into concern.
it must have not been a good one.
His mouth felt dry and ashy, and he didn't want to talk—or god forbid even explain it, in fear he might drown while dwelling on the forbidden touches still on his body— and the cold Predatory stare that made his skin itch from underneath.
“I'm going to go shower.” Felix stated blankly before Chan could even open his mouth to ask— and walked away to not face the worried gaze burning a hole into his back.
Hot water sprayed on his cold pale body as he stared at the water trickling down his body and flushing out the drain— The phantom touches still lingering, making his breath hitch.
The hot water wasn't enough to get rid of the touch.
It wasn't enough.
Not enough.
He scrubbed at his body, harder— than harder until it started turning red.
Red like the touches he still feels on his skin. Like it's permanently imprinted on him.
he hates it with burning passion
it still didn't feel enough. Nothing felt enough.
So he continued scratching his skin, hoping for relief— hoping, hoping that lathering on the overly sweet-scented vanilla and daisy soap would distract him—and that the rivulets of water would drown out his thoughts.
hetouchedmehetouchedmehetouchedme.
The raw, visceral fear crashed into his system as he started scrubbing violently, sobs racking through his body as the water felt like pin pricks against his overstimulated body.
hetouchedmehetouchedmehetouchedme
He felt ashamed, embarrassed that he let someone take advantage of him.
hetouchedmehetouchedmehetouchedme
He felt fear, fear of just a single touch making his life turn upside down— at the paranoia clinging onto his skin the moment he left the store, knowing that he would flinch at every single touch that was yet to come— like it was a physical blow.
And worst, he felt like a rotten, wilted daisy—
wilted to the core.
The shower abruptly turned off, making Felix flinch as he felt cold air creeping into the shower, belatedly realising that someone had joined without his awareness.
Seeing the familiar mop of blonde curls, dimpled face and kind eyes that never looked further down than his face to protect his modesty did not make him relax— instead making the younger stiffen as he was still on the cusps of differentiating between reality and imagination.
Maybe he was imagining the whole entire thing. Maybe the touch wasn't real at all. Maybe it was an accident.
seeing the haunted, frantic expression in the younger's face— Chan hurried to explain.
“ You forgot to lock the door. And I got worried because you were taking a while.”
Chan answered cautiously, carefully— like he was talking to a spooked animal.
He was nervously fiddling with the ends of his white sweater that was damp from the shoulder, the hot water from the shower spraying at him like a warning.
A warning to leave the crime scene– as the corpse is already decaying in the cemetery.
And yet— the older didn't leave, of course— instead turning around to grab a spare towel from the cupboard, the ones that were so soft and fuzzy; and made him melt under the fabric on a particularly bad day.
“Don't you want to towel off now? You showered for so long that I think even the germs ran away.”
Chan asked in such a soft tone, chuckling at his own lame jokes while he spread the towel open on his arms; like an invite. An olive branch.
Felix's eyes were blood shot red, face filled with hysteria and helplessness when he finally looked up to face Chan— The dam finally breaking as soon as he saw the older's patient yet steady expression, falling into his awaiting arms.
“Channie- please, make it stop.” he whispered into the quiet of the white bathroom, the words echoing through the white walls like a whip.
Chan's face froze for a few beats, before he asked, voice trembling with anticipation.
“Make…what stop, Lixie?-” Chan’s eyes widened as if seeing the answer from the younger's expression, his face turning pale as he slowly processed it— eyes roaming all over his body; checking.
“He only touched me here…” Felix tried to explain while motioning towards his back— at his butt. “And yet…I feel his touch is everywhere, channie- please, m-make it stop.”
He trembled out, pleading desperately while looking up to face his hyung— the only one who can help him get out of this nightmare.
But… seeing the way the older man recoiled, hands turning white with how hard it was clenched into a fist— all he saw was a swirling mix of rage, sadness, despair, helplessness…and guilt on the older's face.
The grip on his shoulder tightened, but he was numb to it.
“Lixie, I'm sorry..I'm so so sorry.” Chan managed to get out, eyes filled with tears as he hugged him while burying Felix's face against his chest— trying to hide him from the world.
But he was too late.
And Chan knew that.
“ Why are you apologising hyung? Why?-” Felix sobbed out, wondering why his hyung was apologising— as if he was the one who did it.
“I'm so sorry I couldn't save you.” The older explained while staring at his face with genuine anguish, like the thought even hurt him— and that made the younger sob out even more.
“I'm sorry I couldn't be strong for you hyung.” Felix mumbled out through tears.
“You have no reason to apologise for little one.” Chan said firmly, kissing the crown of his head while rocking him back and forth— wrecked by the emotional turmoil.
They were holding each other for the longest time, trying to not drown in each other's sorrow.
One mourning for the one he couldn't save. And the other is mourning over his autonomy being violated.
And both hurts like hell.