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For eight years, Lee Smith had raised and fed and clothed and loved a child that was not his own.
It should’ve been mine, he’d thought, watching the bump in Angel’s stomach growing, growing, not unlike a malignant tumour, sapping their nutrients, their strength, their life.
It should’ve been mine, he’d thought again, stepping into the hospital room, seeing them hold it in their hands, seeing the tuft of fiery orange on its head, feeling nothing, feeling numbness, feeling… hatred?
It should’ve been mine, he’d thought for the thousandth time, watching little Joaquin grow, hair becoming long and curly, face becoming dotted with freckles. So brash and outgoing, so much unlike either one of them. So much like him.
Was he imagining it? That glimpse of him every time she smiled? That echo of him every time her deep brown eyes locked with his? Was there even anything of Angel in her? Was she his punishment from God?
This isn’t right, he’d thought every day of his life, this isn’t how it was supposed to happen. Angel had wanted to keep the child. He’d pleaded and begged and persuaded, but they’d threatened to walk away over it. This mistake, this parasite, conceived violently and carelessly. He could’ve done so much better. It would’ve been so much better if the child were his. His and Angel’s. Perfect.
But the world, Lee Smith thought, was seldom perfect.
Angel loved her, and Lee forced himself to love her too. Forced himself to bite his cheek and cleanse his mind whenever he had the thoughts. Thoughts of how easy it would be to kill her. How easy it would be to see nothing but him and squeeze until her freckled face went purple and her lungs ceased to draw breath.
Intrusive thoughts. Just thoughts. Nothing but thoughts.
But that’s how it had started, hadn’t it? With thoughts. Thoughts becoming plans becoming reality becoming regrets.
He’d been so happy. Soaring into the sky on the wings of Angel’s acceptance. But what was supposed to be a dream had turned into a nightmare from the moment he saw the two pink lines.
Lee Smith had thought he’d found heaven.
But perhaps this was to be his hell instead.