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“What the hell am I even doing here?” Gaipa mumbles to himself and the beer right in front of him. He’s sitting in a decently filled bar on a Friday night and instead of watching one of his comfort dramas on his well-loved sofa he holds onto the neck of a bottle and listens to a mixture of modern jazz music and chitter from all the people around him. It’s maybe a bit too much for him, considering that he has to deal with dozens of customers ten hours each day already, today included.
Somehow he still ended up reluctantly listening to his friends’ advice and went out like people his age usually do when they are single. The problem about it all is just that Gaipa has no problem with being single. Well, not that much of a problem. It’s just that he’s actually enjoying the freedom right now – the freedom of not wasting years of his life on a crush that didn’t even give him the slightest bit of a chance. Thankfully he can say that that’s over now. There’s only one issue remaining: with so much time lost, still all by himself, Gaipa can’t help but feel lonely at times. He has his friends, whom he cherishes so much and sees on a regular basis. However, intimacy is one of the things he can’t find in friendships.
Which brings him back to the present. He takes another sip and turns his barstool to look at the crowded room. Pink and red heart balloons paint the otherwise dark bar in pops of color as well as any other imaginable Valentine’s Day decoration there is to find. On the breast pocket of his shirt there’s a light pink pin in the shape of a heart that the bar staff gave him at the door when he checked in for the event. The color is to signal that he’s solo, which is the color he’s seen on most people so far. The red pins with white dots are there to signal that some are just here for the drinks and a good chat, but otherwise aren’t looking for a partner.
Technically speaking Gaipa would have preferred to have the red pin too, but his friends signed him up under the hopes he won’t be going home alone. Which, yes, is his plan too, but he also wants to stay single at the same time. It makes little to no sense, just like his arrival here.
“Gaipa?”
The beer almost topples over as Gaipa jerks his body the other way to the voice right by his side. He’s met with the view of glasses on a slim back frame, reflecting his own face back at him. When he’s finally able to focus his eyes, he immediately remembers the man before him.
“Oh, Alan, right?”
Alan nods and smiles in content. He gestures at the barstool next to Gaipa’s. “May I?”
“Of course, of course! Sit down,” Gaipa is quick to answer. “I’ll get you a beer too.”
He waves the waiter down enthusiastically and in no time there’s the same brown bottle now in front of Alan. “Thank you, but you really didn’t have to pay for me.”
“Don’t worry, the next one is on you,” Gaipa winks at him and holds his beer out to clink their glasses together. It takes Alan a moment to catch on, but he eventually lifts his bottle to cheer. With the movement of his arm he reveals a light pink heart pinned to the collar of his sand-colored shirt. A jolt of excitement makes Gaipa hide his smirk by drinking a big gulp.
Gaipa first met Alan at his mother’s funeral face to face, but he’s heard all about him for years. Alan was his late mother’s financial advisor and she had often tried to drag Gaipa along to one of their appointments. Her plan was to involve him more and teach him about finances and savings and whatnot, but Gaipa was too stuck in the clouds at that time. In hindsight he of course regrets that he had always found an excuse, that he was so immature to think she would be here taking care of these things for a long, long while. Thankfully Alan’s an expert in his field and he managed to give Gaipa a simple overview of his heritage and the funds his mother bought in his name and what there was to do with it. They even exchanged phone contacts for that very reason, but Gaipa only used it once to send over more documents Alan requested.
Now with Alan here and the heart pin on him, Gaipa looks him up and down again. He’s done it before – obviously. Alan is a gorgeous man, tall and lean, holds his head high in confidence and that bright smile paired with his glasses made Gaipa’s heart jump a little faster once already. It was the chaos in his life that resulted in Gaipa never texting Alan a private message.
“You don’t seem like the type to stay at the bar alone during an event like this,” Alan says as he folds his hands on top of the bar counter. “Or are you the opposite of what your mother was like?”
Surprise lifts the corners of Gaipa’s mouth again. For once someone doesn’t tiptoe around the topic, doesn’t stop in the middle of the sentence to not mention his mother or his parents in front of him. “I’m the same, but when I spend hours upon hours at work being lively and having chats here and there I’m pretty much empty at the end of the day, you know?”
“Oh, I know.” Alan nods vigorously in agreement. “I know that feeling all too well.”
Gaipa chuckles as he continues to watch Alan. Watches his jawline clench, then elongate when he takes another sip of his beer. “So… what are you doing here then?”
Alan’s gaze lifts and he cocks his head. “Having a beer and a chat, no?”
Using the bottom of his bottle, he points at Alan’s chest. “The pink color says you want more than just a chat.” The sigh that escapes Alan tells a story that Gaipa immediately understands. “You’re not alone. I’m also still questioning why I came here when I’m not really looking for anything.”
Alan raises one eyebrow at him, before his eyes focus on Gaipa’s torso and his pin. “No?”
“At least not what other people think,” Gaipa replies and this time it’s him who sighs deeply. He puts his almost empty beer on the counter and turns his barstool around until he faces Alan completely now. “What was it that convinced you to join this event? Social constructs?”
A hint of satisfaction makes Gaipa’s heart stumble for a second when he sees the corner of Alan’s lips curl upward before he replies, “My coworkers signed me up for this actually. I’m not really the type for things like this, but my consciousness brought me here after all. They are all concerned that I’m lonely and think I just need to get out there to fix it.”
“And… are you lonely?” Gaipa asks without thinking. The desperation to find someone who feels the same way that he does is too strong to consider boundaries for a second.
Of course Alan looks startled by Gaipa’s blunt question. He blinks at him with wide eyes behind his glasses.
“Sorry, sorry,” Gaipa backtracks immediately. His face starts to burn as he turns away again. “Sorry, that… that’s certainly not an icebreaker question. Forget about it.”
In the silence that spreads across them, a waiter comes to take Gaipa’s empty bottle. Gaipa shakes his head no when the guy silently asks about a refill. He eyes the menu for the Valentine’s themed cocktails for the split of a second, but the waiter already leaves again to tend to another pair of guests.
“Who doesn’t feel lonely on a day like this?”
Twisting his head back towards Alan, Gaipa feels his stomach sinking in empathy. Alan lets out a humorless chuckle, empties his beer too and then pushes his glasses back up on his face. When his gaze lands on Gaipa again, it’s like there’s one less wall behind his eyes. The confident posture from before crumbles a little and without asking any further Gaipa just knows that Alan shares the same feelings.
“Well, we can change something about it. That’s why we are here after all.”
“You just said you’re not looking for anything.”
Gaipa swallows and contemplates for a moment how much he should share. Seeing that he already overstepped and Alan is somehow still here, he decides to just go for it. “I’m not looking for someone to date. I don’t want feelings, I don’t want to get my heart broken, but I want to change something about the loneliness.”
Alan eyes him silently for a minute, hands still hanging onto his bottle. “So it’s sex then?”
“Yes and no,” Gaipa sighs. It’s difficult to dissect his brain to properly articulate what his heart truly needs. “I just want to feel intimacy. A human connection. Something that feels real, but isn’t going to end up breaking me again. If it were simply sex I would just use a dating app instead of embarrassing myself in public like this to a stranger.”
“We’re not complete strangers,” Alan reminds him. “And I think you just managed to explain how I’ve been feeling for a while.”
Hope rises inside of Gaipa again. He didn’t think he was going to find someone who would even understand his feelings, nor share them. “Do you… want to change something about it then?”
“What happened to hello first?”
Gaipa starts to laugh when he sees Alan grinning back at him. He feels lighter already, which makes him daring in return. He lets his hand glide across the counter until he finds Alan’s. With the tip of his finger he graces along the back of Alan’s hand. A swirl of excitement pools in his stomach while he sees goosebumps rise on Alan’s exposed forearm. “Hi. I’m Gaipa.”
Now Alan is the one to chuckle in amusement. “Hi,” he breathes back and then catches Gaipa’s hand the moment he tries to take it back.
Both of them stare at their now clasped hands and it feels like time stops for a moment. Just touching Alan, the warmth of his palm, the surprising softness of his hold, reassures Gaipa that he can give him exactly what he’s looking for. A drizzle of excitement overcomes him and he can’t help but smirk at him.
“What happens now?” Alan asks.
Gaipa inhales and-
“Any cocktails for the two of you? Or maybe one to share?”
While Alan pulls his hand back at the speed of lightning, Gaipa almost falls from his chair and yelps. Thankfully Alan catches him with an arm around his waist. Together they blink at the waiter who watches them with a twinkle in his eyes.
“No, thank you,” Alan mumbles to him, while Gaipa still struggles to breathe.
“Alright,” the waiter laughs. Before he leaves he gestures at the other end of the bar counter. At the edge of the wooden surface is a colorful magenta bowl. “Free condoms are over there. Don’t forget to take some before you leave.”
He winks at them and is off to attend to another guest waving him down. Gaipa blinks at the empty space before them. His cheeks start to burn, while Alan’s hand sliding off his back now leaves a tingling sensation behind.
When he dares to peek at Alan at the corner of his eyes he finds him with a pink blush around his nose and ears too. Their gazes meet inevitably. A second later they both burst out in laughter.
“Well,” Alan says, shaking his head to himself. “You were about to answer my question.”
Squaring his shoulders again, Gaipa decides it’s better to ignore the embarrassment. “I wanted to suggest getting out of here.”
“Oh?” Alan’s eyebrows rise in surprise.
“You know,” Gaipa starts to explain. “to have a bit of privacy and less people around. Or do you want me to get one of these icebreaker games they are handing out over there and have a drink after all?”
“No, no.” Alan shakes his hand between them. “I was just wondering where we’re supposed to go then? My place?”
“If that’s where you want to go.”
“There’s no people around, I promise. Plus it’s just a short walk from here.”
“You already had me convinced when you said my place,” Gaipa admits with a teasing smile. “Let’s go then.”
Once more Alan laughs in amazement, his face still partly pink. “What about the beer I owe you?”
“I’m pretty sure you can come up with a repayment at your place.” Gaipa hops down from his chair and commands Alan to do the same with a wiggle of his finger. “Lead the way, please.”
Alan slides his empty bottle towards the edge of the bar counter and then walks before him. As they pass the end of the bar, Gaipa can’t help but put his hand into the magenta bowl once and hides the goods inside the pocket of his cargo pants immediately. He ignores the way the waiter gives him a thumbs up and instead catches up to Alan.
It’s truly a short distance to his place. The streets are still bustling with people. Windows of other bars and restaurants are packed, some people still in the process of finding their partner for the night, others already having their hands entangled with the ones they are going home with. It makes Gaipa stare at Alan’s hand again. They walk the ten minutes side by side, hands not touching another time, but their shoulders and arms brush every now and then with how close they are.
“You’re living in a really lively neighborhood,” Gaipa comments when they pass a bunch of food stalls where people are still working hard for the amount of customers around.
“I’ve only just recently moved here. It’s not really what I was looking for but I needed to get out of my old place so this was convenient enough.”
“Did the lease expire?”
Alan’s hand catches his when he takes a left turn. He gestures at one of the taller apartment complexes. “No, not that.”
He gets quiet while he holds the front door open for Gaipa and they ride the elevator up in the same silence. Gaipa can see it in the line on Alan’s forehead that he’s still thinking. Something must be weighing on his mind about Gaipa’s question. He can only squeeze Alan’s hand back and offer him a smile.
With the newfound knowledge in mind that Alan must have moved here somewhat recently it’s not a surprise that the apartment looks that way. “Be careful, there’s one or two boxes still around.”
Gaipa toes off his shoes in the fairly small hallway where there’s just a shoe rack and some hangers at the wall with exactly one dark grey jacket. With one step he’s already in the living room with the before mentioned boxes. Alan turns the lights on and then places his wallet and keys on a dresser next to the TV. Gaipa has to stifle an amused laugh because the dangerous boxes are the size of shoeboxes and are placed next to the black leather sofa where there’s basically no chance of tripping over them.
“Something to drink? Water, another beer? Or I can make tea or coffee if you want.”
Even if Gaipa is extremely intrigued by the few picture frames and books and trinkets he spots neatly placed around the minimalistically furnished living room, he trails after Alan into the kitchen. The sparse furnishing continues into the other room as well. The kitchen itself is a basic grey with a black countertop but there’s a pile of cookbooks, a rack with various fresh herbs at the window and high quality steel appliances. It all looks spotless and new.
Alan still stands with a hand on the door of the fridge and waits for Gaipa’s reply.
“Coffee sounds nice, especially with that filter machine of yours.”
Joyfulness returns back to Alan’s face as he closes the fridge and instead turns towards the expensive looking coffee maker. “I’ve only just recently got into making coffee myself,” he tells Gaipa and reaches for a mug on a nearby rack. “A new hobby so to say.”
Gaipa sits down at the small bistro table on the opposite side from where he has a better view of watching Alan. He sits backwards on the chair and folds his hand on top of the backrest. Alan glances back at him once.
“What can I make for you?”
“Just an espresso is fine. You don’t need to prove your latte art skills right now.”
Alan chuckles and gets started on making Gaipa’s drink. “I think those skills are nonexistent as of right now. I’m glad that what I can make so far is drinkable.”
With fascination Gaipa watches Alan work his brand-new machine with precision and care in every move. He has his doubts about what Alan just said. He certainly knows what he’s doing because in basically no time Alan hands him a freshly brewed cup of espresso that already smells heavenly.
After a second cup for himself Alan gestures for them to return to the living room with their coffees. Gaipa gives Alan a pointed look after they sit down on the sofa with minimal distance between them, then he takes a sip from the cup. Just as expected the taste that hits Gaipa’s tongue is both burning hot but so full of aroma and richness.
“That’s some really great coffee, thank you. I think we’re even now.”
Alan chuckles but Gaipa can see it in his eyes that he looks somewhat pleased at the compliment. He hides his smirk behind his own cup.
“New hobby, new living place and you’re going out on a Valentine’s event. Any reason for so much change in your life?”
He watches how Alan pulls up his legs on the sofa and angles his body towards him. He looks down at his coffee, his glasses sliding lower on his nose. Gaipa gives him a moment, because he knows he’s digging a little and Alan seemed hesitant before to really talk about it. But Gaipa has that feeling that it’s what Alan needs. Someone he can be honest with – a different form of intimacy.
As Alan head comes back up again, so does his hand to push his glasses back into place. “I guess I’m trying to find out who I am, who I can be now. A fresh start so to speak. So for this new hobby: I’ve always loved the ritual of having coffee, it’s the one thing I’m looking forward to the most when I get up in the morning. No matter how stressful things are, those ten extra minutes to go to my favorite coffee shop are necessary. So I guess I wanted to see if I can replicate it at home too, learn more about it, honor the craft. I still have my daily coffee back at the shop, I would never turn my back on them. But it’s different to make it on my own, to see the differences that the smallest changes can make.”
The hint of a blush glows on Alan’s face. He looks at Gaipa a bit bashfully now. Gaipa wastes no time in reassuring him. He reaches for Alan’s hand, less hesitantly now. “I love that for you. And I can assure you you’re well on your way to becoming a great barista.”
Alan’s gaze switches to their tangled hands for the split of a second before he looks at Gaipa again. “Thank you. I have no means of changing my job, it’s the one thing I don’t want to change.”
Gaipa nods. “I understand.”
That understanding and Gaipa’s willingness to listen to Alan encourages him to keep talking and Gaipa is fully invested in both Alan’s stories and the fact that he’s unraveling right in front of him.
Alan keeps saying that he’s not the type to go on dates and events like this or even use dating apps altogether, which Gaipa can fully relate to. This here right now, holding his hand, their fingers playing together, while Alan lets loose is exactly what Gaipa was after. Not the nice profiles and the empty answers to matches, silly named cocktails and icebreaker questions that don’t do much. This feels genuine and real, even if it’s only meant for tonight. Alan doesn’t explicitly tell Gaipa about his own heartbreak, he hints at it a couple more times, but it’s more than evident that he’s equally marked by his past like Gaipa.
So when the attention is on Gaipa now, he doesn’t feel nervous to lay down the rules in order to keep both their damaged hearts safe.
“Whatever we do, it will just be for tonight, ok?” Gaipa says and still plays with Alan’s fingers in between his own. “Like I told you before, I don’t need any more feelings that lead to more heartbreak and it looks like we’re on the same page there.”
Alan rubs his thumb over the back of Gaipa’s hand and nods. “I agree.”
Gaipa automatically scoots closer after having put down his empty cup on the coffee table. His heart is pumping a little faster now, both relief and excitement overcoming him. He really hasn’t expected to find what he was looking for at this event tonight, and even less for that one very specific person to agree to be Alan. He untangles his hand from Alan’s hold and instead slowly slides two fingers up Alan’s arm, watching how goosebumps spread on his exposed forearms from where he’s pushed up the sleeve of his shirt.
“Is there anything specific that you want or need? Something that gives you that intimacy you’re looking for?” Alan asks.
Gaipa looks up at him. Alan’s eyes are darker behind his glasses now and his expression more serious. Gaipa tilts his head and contemplates for a moment, but he’s quickly distracted just by how beautiful Alan is – which also leads to him doubting that anyone could ever break this man’s heart on purpose. He’s suddenly hit with a sense of responsibility to make this the experience that Alan is looking for as well.
“I just… I really want to kiss you right now,” Gaipa breathes out eventually. He chuckles when Alan looks like his eyes are popping out of his head any time soon, as if that’s such a shocking revelation.
Alan licks his lips before capturing Gaipa’s hand again. “I was thinking more like-”
“I know,” Gaipa interrupts. “Let’s start from there and see where it goes instead of laying down a plan, hm? I just want to spend the night with you.”
“Okay.” Alan inhales and nods, “But you tell me when there’s something you don’t like.”
“Of course.” Gaipa pulls on Alan’s arm until he can press the lightest kiss to the back of Alan’s hand and watches his reaction eagerly. Alan’s lips part slightly and he seems entranced. Gaipa wastes no time to repeat the action, until he’s kissing Alan’s knuckles and his wrist and– Alan surges forward suddenly and even if he eagerly brings their mouths together, it’s soft to feel his lips against his own. Gaipa sighs into that first kiss, sucks up every sensation like a man dying with thirst and Alan is the last drop of water on earth.
Alan’s hand quickly wanders to the back of Gaipa’s neck as they keep going, mouths moving together, neither of them wanting for it to come to an end. Sadly, they need to breathe and as they rest their foreheads together, puffing air into each other’s faces, Alan removes his glasses, probably thinking they are in the way. Gaipa silently mourns the loss of them.
“Good?” Alan asks and softly massages the nape of Gaipa’s head.
Warm, pleasant shivers have already started to awake beneath Gaipa’s skin. He can’t help but grin. “Really good. More?”
“Absolutely.”
It’s so easy to get lost in making out with Alan. Gaipa doesn’t know how much time passes as he ends up straddling him, there’s only a few breaks in between where they either need to catch their breath or start giggling. Just like right now when Alan’s heart pin falls off his shirt and Gaipa pauses to put it aside safely next to Alan’s glasses.
For a moment he takes in the sight: Alan’s disheveled hair, the blush on the apples of his cheeks, the way his entire face looks younger, more boyish without his glasses and lastly his red and shiny lips, plumper thanks to Gaipa’s hard work. It’s needless to say that it’s a beautiful sight and it awakens the need for more.
“You’re a fantastic kisser,” Gaipa tells him as he cups the side of his face. He uses a thumb to swipe over the corner of Alan’s mouth, watching how his lips part again. He also catches the moment in Alan’s eyes when he contemplates going after Gaipa’s finger, but his gaze snaps back, the blush spreading to his ears. Gaipa smirks in satisfaction. “Can I kiss you somewhere else?”
Alan’s pupils widen. “Where?” he breathes.
Gaipa moves into his space again, bringing their bodies together as he places a kiss to Alan’s ear, his sharp jawbone down his neck until there’s too much fabric in the way. He inhales, smells the exact spot where the clean, slightly floral scent of a perfume he’s been noticing the entire evening comes from. His hands tug at Alan’s shirt. “I need to take this off to show you, alright?”
“Yes, please.”
Moments later with united efforts Alan is shirtless and Gaipa doesn’t even know where to put his hands first, his eyes roaming all over. Alan looks up at him curiously, but also a bit impatient – his chest rising and falling quicker than before. First Gaipa kisses him on the mouth again while he places his hands on Alan’s strong shoulders, next thing he knows he’s gliding his palms down his arms and his sides until Alan gasps into the kiss.
Gaipa looks him square into his eyes as he wanders further down, fingers dancing across the waistband of his pants, thumb catching onto the button. Alan swallows visibly and nods. But before Gaipa pops it open, he lets his mouth wander a similar way: he places open-mouthed kisses across Alan‘s collarbone, down his chest and just when the skin seems to be getting even warmer the further down Gaipa moves down his body, Alan places a firm hand beneath Gaipa‘s chin and pulls him up.
“Still good?” Gaipa asks with a smirk, the feeling of Alan’s hand on his neck unexpectedly good.
“So much better than expected,” Alan replies. His eyes are glued to Gaipa’s lips. Gaipa enjoys the moment and doesn’t immediately give him what he’s asking for silently.
“What were your expectations then?”
Alan brings an arm around Gaipa’s middle. “I can’t really tell. Maybe just that I’d probably feel like a fool tonight real quick and go home alone. Surely not this. Not you.”
Gaipa nods in understanding. He too thought that what he was looking for, asking someone for a night like this, opening up in such an intimate way, was a waste of time. It is a lot to ask for. Which is why Gaipa wants to cherish this, wants to cherish Alan – even if it’s just for the night.
When they kiss again, because they surely can’t get enough of it, it feels heavier and deeper, like Gaipa can put his fragile heart into Alan’s care for the time being and trust him with it. Somewhere in the back of his mind he’s already burdened by the thought that this night will come to an end, that he will have to pull his heart back again and he doesn’t want to think about the consequences. God, he never considered those because he was sure he wasn’t going to find anyone as equally broken as him.
To distract himself from overthinking this again, Gaipa slowly brings his hands back towards Alan’s pants. Maybe it’s a bit unfair to undress him like this while he’s still got all his clothes on but Alan isn’t complaining. Instead he inhales sharply when Gaipa easily opens up the button and undoes the zipper just as fast. His fingertips grace the across the hem of dark underwear he’s greeted with.
To give himself some more room to play and to also not make this an awkward angle, Gaipa moves to sit beside Alan on the sofa. He immediately props his chin up on his shoulder and drops his gaze down Alan’s gorgeous body to watch his hand disappear between the first layer of fabric. They gasp in unison when Gaipa touches him through his underwear, happily surprised to feel the effect he’s already had on Alan.
“Fuck,” Alan breathes, his head falling back to the headrest of the sofa.
He’s hot and half-hard already, which makes the simmering arousal Gaipa already noticed himself when they made out skyrocket immediately. He licks his lips as he softly drags his hand across the fabric a few more times until he eventually also crosses that last barrier.
Alan curses again and it’s enchanting to see him this way. Gaipa presses his lips to his naked shoulder as he repeats the same move with his hand, not yet fully touching Alan’s cock.
“You look beautiful like this,” Gaipa can’t help but let his inner voice speak.
Alan flutters his eyes open again and it brings another wave of heat for Gaipa to see how his pupils already reflect his feelings. “What do you mean?” he asks.
Another kiss, this time to his cheek, then Gaipa wraps his fingers around Alan’s length. “That you’re letting go. That you trust me like this.”
The hint of a smile plays around the corner of Alan’s lips, but with Gaipa now properly touching him, he can’t reply to any of it. He only gasps and rolls his eyes back and enjoys whatever he’s been given to. And Gaipa makes sure it’s only the best.
Rather quickly Alan grows fully hard in Gaipa’s hand. His gasps turn to breathy moans, sometimes just sounds, sometimes Gaipa’s name – which really goes to Gaipa’s head quickly. He kisses Alan’s moans off his lips as he sits up on his knees to both be able to continue the handjob properly and to also make the kisses not too sloppy.
“So good for me,” Gaipa keeps on praising and is immediately rewarded with Alan lifting his hips to meet the touch of his hand better, giving into the pleasure completely. As Gaipa plans on finishing him off like this, just to see how much more beautiful Alan could get reaching the peak of his lust, Alan suddenly brings his hand to Gaipa’s wrist to stop him.
Gaipa’s gaze snaps up and he searches Alan’s face for any signs of discomfort.
“Stop. Please,” Alan whines and gently squeezes Gaipa’s arm.
Gaipa pulls his hand away, leaving Alan to puff heavy breaths into the silence of the room. “What’s wrong?” he asks when he can’t find any reason why they are stopping now.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” Alan drags a hand across his face before he looks at Gaipa again. Then he laughs quietly. “It’s too good. You’re too good, Gaipa.”
Gaipa grins at him. “Yeah?”
“Mhm. I forgot that it can feel this good. But it’s your turn now.”
Alan sits up straight again from where he’s sunken further and further into the sofa. He’s gentle when he undresses Gaipa, but it’s still evident how turned on he is by now. He presses kisses to every newly exposed part of Gaipa’s body, making him gasp and shiver in return.
Gaipa is quick to realize that Alan’s an attentive lover. As soon as he notices the slightest change in reaction from Gaipa, he gives those places a bit more attention. He kisses across Gaipa’s collarbones, lips gracing his beloved gold necklace. He brushes his hands down his ribcage, thumbs flicking over Gaipa’s sensitive nipples. Alan pushes Gaipa back until he’s lying back on the pillows, then makes quick work of freeing him from his cargo pants. Gaipa is ecstatic, mesmerized, surprised, aroused all at the same time. So it’s not a shock that as soon he’s left in just his boxer briefs that Alan finds him aroused just the same.
Usually Gaipa would already be impatient to move on, because he knows he’s not the greatest looking man with his small body and spare muscles that only exist because of his work. But Alan makes him forget about those insecurities – instead makes him feel like he’s something special after all. Every kiss to his skin, wandering from his chest to his stomach, it’s intentional and intimate. The exact thing Gaipa was looking for.
The back of his head presses further into the pillow when Alan reaches the sensitive area below his navel, fingers hooking into the last piece of fabric on him. Gaipa brings one hand to his mouth, biting into it to muffle the various noises that already want to escape.
“Can I take it off?” Alan asks, fingers still for now.
Gaipa’s heart rate spikes. A hint of fear and nerves hit him before Alan’s touch calms him seconds later. Apparently it’s been too long since the last time he’s had sex if he’s already losing his composure with a gorgeous and lovely man like Alan. The moment of hesitation doesn’t go by unnoticed.
“Sorry, yeah. I’m okay, you can… ” Gaipa reassures Alan quickly before he’s ruined the mood altogether. Gaipa hasn’t felt desirable in a long time – the heartbreak of unrequited love, the grief, the loneliness have occupied him completely. But listening to his gut, he remembers that this is what he wants. His body knows that too, every sign of attraction clearly there. It’s just his silly heart that doesn’t want to break entirely by being too vulnerable again.
“I’ll take care of you, ok?” Alan interrupts his running thoughts. His thumbs are now drawing circles on his hipbones. “Relax and be with me. It’s just us here. Whatever is on your mind right now, let it go and be with me.”
The nerves slowly subdue and Gaipa notices how his stomach not only burns with lust again, he also feels some kind of prickling sensation behind his belly button, like a single butterfly touching him from the inside. He shivers when Alan brings his lips to the exact spot. Gaipa lifts his head to meet Alan’s warm gaze.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, face burning.
Alan shakes his head. “It’s okay. You can tell me if you changed your mind, if this is too much for you.”
“It’s not that, it’s… “ Gaupa sighs as he struggles to explain his weird and chaotic thoughts.
“I understand you. I really do.”
Alan begins to move his hands again, stroking soothingly across Gaipa’s sides and his lower stomach. When Gaipa rests back against the pillow and his breath increases again, that’s when Alan also kisses his skin again, teasing him as he places one nearer to Gaipa’s middle than before. This time when Alan pulls off his underwear, Gaipa willingly lifts his hips. He hears Alan muttering something under his breath, then he’s back to exploring the now revealed parts of his body. His fingers brush through the park patch of hair at the base of Gaipa’s cock, then lightly tracing across the already damp tip of it. Gaipa expects Alan to wrap his entire hand around him next – but he gasps in surprise when it’s actually the warm softness of his lips. Alan leaves a trail of featherlight kisses across his shaft, leaving him throbbing in lust immediately. Gaipa curls his fists into the fabric of the pillow beside his head. A loud moan falls from his mouth when Alan takes him into his mouth properly.
“Oh fuck,” he curses, his entire body buzzing in pleasure.
It quickly shows that Alan is way too fucking good at this as he at first tastes the remains of precum before taking Gaipa even further down. Gaipa’s eyes are pressed close because the sensation and the sounds alone are already overwhelming him. The satisfied hums from Alan whenever Gaipa moans again, the heavy gasps when he himself has to take a quick break for some air before continuing, the quiet, wet sounds as he sucks him off – it’s too good. Alan keeps one hand at the base of his cock while the other squeezes Gaipa’s thigh, strokes over his hip and stomach – no, it’s perfect actually.
At one point Gaipa’s curiosity causes him to lift his chest up to take a peek after all and pure arousal shoots up his spine and into his core to see Alan between his legs, mouth wrapped around his cock. He must sense that he’s being watched because his gaze meets Gaipa’s through his lashes in the next moment.
“Oh my god,” Gaipa whines. “Alan, fuck.” One hand automatically finds its way into Alan’s hair, curling into his roots as Alan licks across the length of his cock again, clearly enjoying to show off a bit. “Why are you so good at this?” Gaipa mumbles more to himself than him, already heading towards the edge, his hand now guiding Alan as he bops his head up and down, blowing Gaipa like he’s never done anything else in his life. Just for the split of a second Gaipa’s eyes move to the discarded glasses on the table and he has this image pop into his head that makes him mourn that Alan took them off and –
Alan reaches out blindly, taking the glasses to put them back on his face. With a smirk forming on his lips he continues right away.
“Ohh, shit,” Gaipa groans, his fantasy coming to life just like that. He didn’t know until just now that apparently glasses are doing it for him. Or maybe this is about Alan in such an intimate pose and the glasses just make him look even more mature and sexier and like a dream. Gaipa can only tug at Alan’s hair, making incomprehensible noises and trying not to come within minutes.
Thankfully or maybe sadly – he can’t decide yet – Alan pulls away when he notices how Gaipa’s hips keep lifting off the bed to thrust into his mouth. He leaves wet kisses on the delicate skin where leg meets body and he lays his burning cheek on Gaipa’s thigh to catch his breath. Gaipa brings his hand towards his chin, grasping it gently with his fingers. He doesn’t need to say a single word – their gazes meeting simply is enough for Alan to recognize what Gaipa needs. He heaves himself up until he can kiss Gaipa on the mouth again, leaving Gaipa’s own taste on his tongue as they make out languidly.
“Everything okay?” Alan brushes the damp hair out of Gaipa’s face that’s gotten stuck to his sweaty forehead.
“So much more than okay. You’re fantastic at this.”
“It’s just experience, I guess,” he says very nonchalantly, but Gaipa can see that glimmer in his eyes once more whenever he’s being praised.
“It’s my lucky day then. Whoever it was who convinced you to come out tonight please send them my regards.”
Alan bursts out laughing. “Shut up now.”
Gaipa smirks. “Make me.”
Gaipa laughs into the next kiss that follows.
For a bit they stay like this on the sofa: arm in arm, Alan on top of him, kissing, kissing and so much more kissing. Their hands begin to roam freely, exploring more and more places. Alan eventually loses the remains of his clothes too and when their fully naked bodies come together Gaipa realizes how much he’s actually longed for this. The bodily contact, skin on skin, being desired and taken care of – and doing the same for another person in return. Somehow his hopeless wish of a night like this, not just another hookup with a stranger, has come true. This is the intimacy that he’s so desperately wanted.
“What do you need, Gaipa?” Alan asks into the silence.
“Anything that you’re willing to give to me,” he replies truthfully, putting his trust entirely into Alan’s safekeeping – at least for this night. “What about you?”
“I just need you.” Four simple, but yet so impactful words that make a few more butterflies appear. “Let’s take this to the bedroom.”
Alan guides Gaipa through the dark hallway and into the bedroom. Once inside they completely forget about turning on any lights. Alan pulls him quickly to the large bed opposite of the door and the sheets feel cool and soft when Gaipa lowers himself blindly to the mattress. Alan follows him, his touch always there.
Before he can bring their mouths together, Gaipa stops Alan with a hand to the center of his chest, feeling his heart beating against his palm. “Do you like to top? Or what is your preference? Because I’m fine with anything.”
Alan pauses for a moment and searches for something in Gaipa’s eyes. “Yeah, I can top.”
Gaipa grins at him, then promptly wraps his arms around his neck to tug him on top of his body again. He wastes no time in spreading his legs to give Alan the room to slot together perfectly.
“You want me to prep you?” Alan’s voice is huskier now.
“Yes, please,” he breathes and his eyes flutter shut for just a moment as he enjoys the sensation of being skin to skin with Alan. To feel how hot and turned on he is, right against his own arousal. He graces along Alan’s blushing cheek with his thumb. “Fingers, toys, mouth, use whatever you want. I like it all.”
“Okay, yeah.” Alan waits until Gaipa kisses him once again until he sits up. “Do you have condoms?”
An amused laugh escaped Gaipa’s throat. “Why? Didn’t you take any earlier that the bartender offered?”
Alan huffs, lips curling into a smile. “I’m prepared and have some in the bathroom.”
“Why are you asking me then?”
“Because I wanted to see if you took some.”
Gaipa giggles as Alan also begins to laugh now. "My pants are in the living room. Check for yourself if you need to know.”
Alan returns moments later, chest still shaking from laughter as he drops a total of five condoms on the sheets. “What exactly was your plan for the night?”
“They were for free! Can you blame me? And what if one breaks? Better to be safe than sorry, right?”
Alan just looks down at him, shaking his head with pure amusement and adoration in his eyes. Before he rejoins Gaipa on the bed he takes three of the condoms and stuffs them into a drawer of the bedside table where he then retrieves a half-used bottle of lube. Gaipa wants to ask if he’s keeping them for next time until his brain reminds him that there won’t be a next time. It’s a sobering thought. The humor evaporates out of the situation.
Thankfully Alan is with him again, instructing him to move further up the bed until he can lean against the headboard, distracting him from overthinking again.
“Do you still want to do this?” Alan places a hand on his thigh.
Gaipa purses his lips and pulls him down by the neck. He brings their foreheads together, mouths centimeter apart as he says, “I want this, Alan. I want to feel you inside of me.”
I want you to make me forget that this is for one night only, he adds in his mind.
“Gaipa,” Alan murmurs his name which makes his heart pound faster again.
There’s not only tension between them, not only the need for each other, there’s something else. But Gaipa ignores it all. Instead he repositions his legs, silently signaling to Alan that he’s fully at his mercy. He’s giving himself into his hands and his care.
Just like Alan is exceptionally good at foreplay, he’s also attentive while prepping Gaipa. He’s already memorized all the places on Gaipa’s body that make him shiver and gasp. Alan moves into the same position as before, his head resting on Gaipa’s thigh, gaze fixed on his hand trailing across Gaipa’s other leg and hip. It might seem like he’s teasing, but he perfectly understands that this is what Gaipa’s been longing for: the soft wings of butterflies in his belly, the anticipation of being as intimate as possible with someone, taking the time and not rushing. Gaipa is slowly melting into the sheets when Alan turns his attention towards his cock again, slowly but firmly stroking it until Gaipa’s eyes shut close. Then there’s Alan with his mouth again, kissing his hipbone with the silly tattoo that Gaipa’s gotten done during uni days. He moves a little further down and then places his hand beneath Gaipa’s thigh to put his feet up, allowing for more room.
The feeling of being so exposed, even in the semi-darkness of the room, is a heady feeling. Gaipa’s breath stops for a moment when he hears the click of the bottle being opened. He bites his lips while he waits, body burning in anticipation.
“Ohh,” he groans when Alan both begins to stroke his cock again while also bringing a lubed finger between his parted legs, spreading the wetness around at first. The tip of Alan’s finger circles his rim with barely any pressure, but it’s already enough to feel the pulsing heat in his core intensifying.
Gaipa makes the mistake of peeking down after all, opening his eyes to take in the view. He almost comes on the spot. Alan is focused, gaze locked where his hand is, a deep blush on the bridge of his nose and cheeks even in the grayness of the night. The streetlights and few neon signs from outside, the only sources of light in the room, reflect in his glasses that have slid down his nose. Gaipa swallows hard when Alan brings his eyes towards him again, his expression unreadable.
He pushes forwards carefully until the first finger disappears inside of Gaipa. Gaipa moans his name. Alan licks his lips, eyes now sparkling as he keeps on taking in all of Gaipa’s reactions. He barely moves, simply lets Gaipa adjust and feel his presence.
“More?”
Gaipa bites his lips and nods eagerly. A second digit joins the other as Alan fingers him open intently, knowing exactly what he’s doing. He is quick to locate that spot inside of him that has Gaipa seeing stars behind his eyelids, pressing his head back into the wall behind.
“Fuck, fuck. So fucking good, Alan.”
More praise to Alan’s ears means he kisses Gaipa again, covering his skin with kisses, all the places he can reach on Gaipa’s body while keeping his position to open Gaipa further up for him.
“You said something about liking to be opened up with the mouth,” Alan says, voice dripping with eagerness and lust. “Do you want me to?”
Shit. Gaipa clenches around Alan’s fingers at the mere thought, his cock leaking more spurts of precum. Shit, he can’t be for real. “You don’t have-”
“I really, really would love to,” Alan interrupts him, pressing his mouth to his tattoo again.
“Oh god, okay. You’re insane.”
Alan chuckles shortly. “I’m only giving you, giving us, the experience we’re really looking for. All of it. You don’t have to hold back your desires, not tonight. And not with me.”
Gaia can’t say anything to that, mostly because his brain is wiped empty as Alan crawls further down. His face, his chest, his heart, his core – it all burns deeply with lust when Alan throws him one more glance before lowering his head, pushing Gaipa’s legs further apart. Gaipa is gone the moment Alan’s lips touch his most intimate part. He places featherlight kisses around the rim until Gaipa is clutching the sheets, legs shaking slightly. There’s sounds and words falling from his mouth that he can’t even decipher himself. He feels like he’s falling apart when Alan brings his tongue into play, slowly licking into him. It’s a sensation so breathtaking, being so vulnerable, that he’s sure he’s going to pass out or reach another dimension when Alan will take him.
He loses all sense of time, so it could be minutes or hours of Alan rimming him, occasionally adding his fingers to loosen him up more and more. He only comes back to the present when he notices Alan’s face right in front of his own, one hand gently cupping his heated face to wipe away a tear of two that must have escaped.
“Hey,” Alan speaks gently. “Still with me?”
Gaipa nods slowly, his entire blood system buzzing. He wraps his arm around Alan’s shoulders and speaks into the next sensual kiss what he can’t seem to put into words anymore. His hands wander around, stroking down Alan’s arms and chest until he pushes one between their bodies to wrap it around Alan’s neglected cock – just to find him even harder than before. Alan breaks his mouth apart from Gaipa’s and gasps.
God, Gaipa was just lying there, doing absolutely nothing but moaning and melting out of own skin and it has aroused Alan even more.
“How do you want to do this?” Alan asks, but inhales sharply when Gaipa keeps on touching his cock.
“I think hands and knees would be a good start,” Gaipa says, then lets his voice drop into a huskier whisper. “It’s been a while and you’re a lot bigger than the toys I use.”
Alan’s pupils widen for a second. Then he nods. Another languid kiss later and then he’s reaching for the condoms.
Gaipa lets go of him and watches with deep desire how he rolls one one, reaching for the lube next. Still a bit dizzy from pleasure and stimulation, Gaipa is slow at repositioning himself on the bed. His knees feel a bit weak as he pushes up onto them. It will have to do for the begging – if he’s not going to immediately come with Alan inside of him. Alan’s steadying hand is there on his lower back right away. The sheets rustle and then there’s the rest of him. Alan drapes his body over Gaipa’s back.
“Tell me when it’s too much, okay?” His lips find Gaipa’s spine, his hands moving towards his hips and Gaipa’s head falls between his shoulders when Alan’s trail of kisses ends at his tailbone. Gaipa inhales sharply when he feels Alan pressing his hips forwards, a similar sound echoing from him too. He guides the tip of his cock towards Gaipa’s entrance, holding still for a moment. But Gaipa doesn’t have any restraints left anymore.
“Please, Alan,” he whines.
“I got you.”
The moment he finally takes him, Gaipa’s heart nearly stops and so do his lungs. It’s overwhelming, even more than everything they’ve done so far. To be connected in this way, to feel Alan’s burning heat inside of his own body – this is too much, this is too much to be real. Alan is slow and careful in pushing further inside, giving Gaipa the time he needs to adjust to the stretch. Still, he equally gasps in desire, fingers curling into the skin of Gaipa’s hips.
“God, Gaipa,” he breathes, fully buried inside now.
“I know, I know,” Gaipa replies, his eyes pressed close, his arm already about to give in. And when Alan pulls back, just to thrust forward again, that’s when he drops down on the bed, chest collapsing onto the mattress, but hips moving back onto Alan’s cock. His own cock is pulsing between his legs as Alan slowly fucks him into a mess. But it’s turning him into a mess just the same.
Very quickly his arm wrap around Gaipa’s torso, bringing their bodies as close together, skin to skin, burning together. Gaipa is losing himself as he feels so much, so alive. He can’t remember the last time he’s felt so intensely. There’s been that numbness over everything in his life. Now he burns so bright, feels Alan so deep inside of him. He desperately brings his hands towards any part of Alan to get his attention. "Let me see, please.”
Alan understands immediately. Gaipa whines a little when Alan slips out of him for a moment so they can reposition. Alan turns him in his arms and gently lays him down into the pillows under him. And then Gaipa’s heart jumps into movement again seeing Alan above him – with his crooked glasses, a sheen of sweat on his forehead and a small smile that speaks its own language. Gaipa’s gaze is fixed on him, fixed on that fire behind his irises when Alan enters him again. He clutches onto Alan’s waist, curling his nails into his hot skin as Alan pushes his cock deep inside in this position, over and over again – all until Gaipa can do nothing else but moan his name hoarsely. It’s deep and slow and tender and so fucking intimate. It feels like it’s just them in this world, the security of having one another and nothing else matters at that moment.
“Gaipa?” Alan gasps at one point, thrust becoming slower.
“What do you need?” Gaipa automatically clenches around him, Alan still buried deeply.
“Can we… can we switch?”
Feeling drunk on all these sensations, drunk on Alan, Gaipa misinterprets the words at first. “You want me to ride you?”
Alan licks his lips, but then shakes his head. “I mean, you inside of me.”
“Oh,” Gaipa breathes in surprise. He must have misunderstood Alan’s answer from before, assuming that he exclusively tops. He really is Gaipa’s perfect match through and through. “You really want me to die, huh?” He squeezes Alan’s waist before moving his hands lower.
Alan chuckles breathlessly. “No, I only want you to fuck me. Can you do that?”
“Absolutely.”
Their positions are quickly switched and Alan hands Gaipa the lube wordlessly. Gaipa has to simply stare at the man beneath him at first, heart jumping and racing and doing everything it hasn’t been able to in so long. Alan is way too gorgeous, resting in the pillows and blanket they haven’t even bothered to throw off the bed. His skin glows, his stomach is clenched, his cock red and hard. His feet are flat on the mattress, thighs spread. It all makes Gaipa gulp hard but it’s his beautiful face that affects Gaipa the most. Alan’s eyes, halfway shut behind his glasses, his slightly parted lips that are red and swollen from kissing an absurd amount. The emotions, the vulnerability in his gaze. Gaipa memorizes it all, along with all the changes in expression that appear when he starts to prep Alan with his fingers now.
“Fuck, Gaipa,” he curses and immediately pushes his hips towards Gaipa’s hand, bringing his finger deeper He’s eager, asking for more quickly. Which is good, because Gaipa won’t make it any longer if they drag this out more and more.
He also has this suspicion that Alan doesn't get to be on the receiving end often – hence his eagerness. “That’s enough,” Alan hurries to say after he only adjusted to a second finger of Gaipa’s. “I really need you now.”
Gaipa’s hands are a little jittery as he fiddles with the package of another condom. He really wants to give Alan what he needs too, that’s all he’s thinking about as he finally positions himself between his legs. Alan looks up at him with so much want.
“Come here,” he murmurs and tugs Gaipa down by his shoulder. It’s a much sweeter and reassuring kiss than all the others they’ve shared throughout the night – but it’s what’s necessary at that moment. He stays with his forehead pressed to Alan’s as he guides a hand between their bodies. Alan gasps against his mouth when Gaipa’s cock presses against his core. With a slow thrust Gaipa pushes inside, cursing right along with him as their bodies connect in a whole new way.
“God, Alan. You feel…” Gaipa is lost for words.
Alan clenches around him, fully enveloping him in his heat. Gaipa buries his face at the crook of Alan’s neck and pulls his hips back to thrust forward again. Everything inside of him is lit on fire as he tries his best to fuck Alan. The pit of his stomach is exploding with butterflies and this deep, intense fire so that his thrusts come erratically and just as sloppy as the openmouthed kisses he leaves across Alan’s throat.
“I can’t go much longer,” Gaipa groans, the fire burning and burning.
Alan clutches onto him, huffing and moaning while being taken to the same dimension Gaipa is already about to reach. “It’s okay, don’t hold back.”
When Alan pulls him in closer and closer until they share the same breath, not even space for a sheet of paper between them anymore and Gaipa can feel Alan’s heartbeat against his skin, becoming one with his own – he’s gone. He whines Alan’s name over and over, thrusts deep and intense and his core clenches together as he reaches his climax. Alan holds him through it, answering his name into his ear, hands roaming over Gaipa’s back and shoulders. They are one at that moment, two broken halves clashing together.
Tears pool in Gaipa’s eyes and he breathes heavily through the effects of the orgasm. Alan peppers the side of his face with kisses as Gaipa slides out of him, trying to calm down from a high he’s never felt so intensely before. For a moment he’s trying to come back into his own, still buzzing body, while Alan patiently waits.
“What about you?” Gaipa whispers hoarsely.
“Can I come inside of you? Or will that be too much for you?”
Gaipa immediately shivers with another wave of pleasure. What is this man doing to him? Gaipa nods his head, before bringing their mouths together ungracefully. Alan hands him a tissue so he can rid himself of the condom and they relocate for a final time.
Alan stays beneath Gaipa, but he sits up to lean against the headboard and tugs Gaipa into his lap. Their arms are entangled, bodies flush together this way. When Alan reaches behind Gaipa, Gaipa can perfectly see Alan’s eyes widen when he brings his cock back towards Gaipa’s rim.
“Okay?” Alan checks in with him a final time. Despite the all consuming orgasm that has turned his limbs into liquid, Gaipa still nods eagerly and sinks down on Alan fairly quickly.
“Gaipa,” Alan murmurs so beautifully broken. There’s tenderness in his wrecked voice too and Gaipa hums in understanding.
They don’t move much, both of them already at their limits. But just rocking together like this, bodies connected as close as possible, is perfect and heavenly. Alan looks blissed out while Gaipa graces the edge of overstimulation. He clutches onto Alan while being cracked open completely.
“Alan,” he only whispers again and again, no other words making sense to him as his heart beats violently to Alan’s name on his lips.
Alan nods, gaze locked on him – eyes only falling shut when he too reaches his climax like this, shaking and shivering while Gaipa holds him through it. And in that moment, time is still. Their souls are bare and Gaipa’s heart stops as he stares at the beautiful raw soul before him in his arms, inside of him, consuming him entirely. The matching piece to his own.
He kisses Alan softly, just a whisper of a touch. Alan smiles weakly as he slowly comes back to his senses. “Thank you,” he murmurs so quietly that Gaipa isn’t sure if he imagines his voice.
“Thank you for finding me tonight,” he replies straight from his heart, that is right at the tips of his fingers, ready for Alan to just take it with him.
But this fragile construct falls apart like a house of cards when after a handful of minutes in each other’s embrace Gaipa has to slowly pull away. He falls face first into the pillow right by Alan’s side. Alan chuckles softly, then he turns until he’s holding Gaipa from behind.
Gaipa can feel the strings of his heart aching as he slowly has to pull it back into his own chest, realizing that the night will come to an end very soon.
“Want me to clean you up or do you want to shower properly?” Alan whispers into his ear, one hand coming around Gaipa’s hip to trail a finger across Gaipa’s stomach. The butterflies go crazy again.
“Shower,” Gaipa mumbles, keeping his face hidden from him. “But later, Give a moment to just… be.”
“Ok.” Alan kisses his shoulder. Then minutes later he untangles himself from Gaipa and gets up. Gaipa registers how he picks up the mess before he disappears out of the room.
He’s fucked. How is he supposed to let this night go when the sex was so all-consuming. It felt like more than intimacy, more than anything Gaipa could have ever imagined. He didn’t know he could feel like this with someone else, so free and so whole at the same time. One could argue that this wasn’t only sex, but Gaipa shakes his head to himself. His brain is back to what it usually does best as his thoughts race and his heart keeps aching more and more. It only stops when Alan comes back, soft taps on the floor announcing his return.
“Hey,” his voice is still low and tender and too much for Gaipa to handle. “You’re shivering.”
With his core still burning from within, Gaia hasn’t noticed the goosebumps on his skin.
“You left so nobody was here to keep me warm,” Gaipa jokes with a heavy heart.
Before he’s able to nestle into the sheets below him, Alan already walks around the bed to sit down next to him. He places a bottle on the nightstand, a blue washcloth in his other hand. Gaipa stares up at him silently while Alan gently removes the residue of lube and other traces left behind. His gaze is focused on the task, so Gaipa finds no evidence of him losing his mind equally badly as him. He’s the same Alan as before – gentle, lovely, cautious. Does that mean it’s over now? Does Gaipa have to tuck his heart back to the prison inside his ribcage? He’s ridiculous, there’s no reason to lose his marbles like this over a one-night stand. But then again, it feels wrong to simply describe the experience with a word like this, almost condescending.
“Drink something,” Alan urges once he’s done wiping Gaipa down. “Or do you want another coffee? Perhaps some tea?”
Maybe you should rather order me a ride back because the night is over now.
Gaipa shakes his head and grimaces. “Water is fine, thank you.”
Alan nods, strokes through Gaipa’s hair once and then leaves the bedroom again. Gaips sits up slowly, tugging the blanket out to throw it around his shoulder. Of course it smells like Alan. He stares at the bottle of some sort of vitamin water. His hand clutches onto his gold necklace. He breathes. Tries to put himself together after having his soul bared. This is insane. He is going insane.
Alan comes back again. He sighs quietly, then opens the water for Gaipa. “Please?”
Gaipa takes it from him silently and watches how Alan smiles satisfied after he’s taken a few small sips. “Are you okay?”
The question lingers heavily in the dark silence of the room. How can Gaipa be okay?
“Well,” Gaipa says eventually, hands fiddling with the bottle cap. “Are you?”
Gaipa’s heart rate spikes as he waits. Alan’s face falls bit by bit and suddenly he’s the vulnerable and lonely soul again, eyes wavering. He swallows, furrows his eyebrows, clearly struggling just like Gaipa to explain the magnitude of the night.
As he begins to speak, he searches for Gaipa’s hand, hooking a finger into one of his. “I don’t know. Yes and no – all at the same time.” He pushes his glasses back up his nose, huffing a humorless laugh. “I think I won’t be okay if we go by the rules and you’re just going to leave and this will be all there is. I can’t have you walk out on me again, Gaipa. Not after a night like this. Not now that I know…”
Sparks of hope that he’s not the only feeling his world shattered and changed ignite Gaipa. He clutches onto Alan’s hand. “You know what?”
Alan swallows, sucks in a breath and then says, “What it’s like to be whole. To feel something again. More than anything before.”
Alan’s eyes are shining, even with hints of fear in them as he looks at Gaipa and searches for an answer in his face. A few tears gather in Gaipa’s eyes and he chuckles wetly, sniffles and then nods in understanding. Any words have left him again, but they don’t seem to be needed anyway.
Alan gently brushes through his hair before he cups Gaipa's cheek and gives him a kiss to his forehead. It’s so gentle, laced with so much want and understanding that it suddenly brings up a memory of Gaipa’s late parents. The way his father always used to kiss his mother the same way, every single day before leaving the house – and young Gaipa has never really understood back then why when everyone in the shows and movies on TV kissed on the mouth to show their affection.
But right now his heart is soaring. Even more so when Alan pulls him into his embrace and he feels whole again. He understands now what it’s like.
“Come, take a shower. I laid down fresh towels and a change of clothes. Then we can sleep.”
“I can stay?”
Alan looks him into his eyes. “I want to know how you take your morning coffee so I can learn how to make it. That’s where I want to start with you. With us.”
So Gaipa stays. Stays with the person who finally found him after all.