Work Text:
After clicking on the systems notification about a ‘memory shard’, Iwol wanted to ignore it.
It wouldn’t help him debut.
Knowing the system, it would show something unnecessary. Extra work or something simply tedious.
However the system incessantly rang in his head, alerting him to interact with it and use the shard. So against his better judgement, Iwol dreamt of a memory that he tried so hard to suppress.
He dreamt of his sister. Her death. Her absence.
He remembered the crushing feeling he was stuck with after loosing her- the numbness that accompanied her death.
No more dinners together, no more little gifts, no more her.
Iwol never had the best memory and she often helped him remember things. But without her to help, he forgot.
He forgot to take care of himself.
Iwol used to look out at the horizon from the bridge. He stared for a while. Debating it. Contemplating the magnitude of his absence.
He never did it though. He couldn’t.
It would make him a burden even after he was gone.
Someone would have to come across him and get traumatised. People would have to do so much to organise a funeral.
Besides, his sister would want him to live. Even if he didn’t want to follow her wishes, Iwol always prioritised others over himself.
Even if he denied it. Even if Iwol claimed he was selfish. His actions proved otherwise.
Even though he saw death as an escape, as a source of freedom, he couldn’t bring himself to harm others because of his meaningless desires.
Eventually he woke, remembering a small bit about his past life he had forgotten.
Why did he have to remember?
It was better to forget.
Iwol couldn’t shake of the deep rooted despair from his sisters passing. He’d forgotten how gut wrenching it was. He’d become so accustomed to the normalness of life with spark that he’d forgotten the sensation of constant nausea.
Constant pain.
It felt weird.
It wasn’t this bad in his past… right?
He sat dazed on his bed for a while. Iwol didnt even otixe how long he was gloomily staring into space for until Lee Cheonghyeon came up to him after exiting the bunk bed.
“Good morning!” Cheonghyeon greeted his hyung cheerfully. He’d usually leave the room earlier than this so it was nice to see him still in bed in the mornings.
Iwol’s vision blurred as his memory came to him again.
He saw a woman in cheonghyeons face. His sister.
He remembered her greetings from whenever they’d meet up before she died.
His eyes started to blur.
Quickly, Iwol looked away from Cheonghyeon.
“Yeah, good morning…”
His hands underneath the covers trembled as he thought of his sister. It wasn’t obvious. He didn’t show it.
Reflexively, his customer service like smile appeared as he greeted Cheonghyeon.
He was an idiot. A fool.
Smiling in front of others even if all he wanted to do was bawl his eyes out. Smiling even though all he wanted to do was to join her.
To jump.
He didn’t deserve a second life.
He always just buried his feelings. How was he supposed to be loved if he didn’t ever show his vulnerability?
Kim Iwol was a spineless idiot who would probably die just doing what others told him to.
That was the case before and it hadn’t changed.
If he had to work himself to death, he would.
For manager nam.
For spark.
For his sister.
Slowly, Kim Iwol managed to drag himself upright and part from his bed.
The knot in his stomach wouldn’t leave him and neither would the pounding headache.
‘Fuck… I need my meds…’
Iwol rummaged through his suitcase and took out his headache medicine.
The daily dose was less than eight… probably.
His head was crippling him; he took four out of the pill bottle.
He’d be fine.
He’d taken more before.
Iwol chucked them into his mouth and swallowed- not even bothering with water- he’d survive after all.
Groggily, he made his way out of the room and into the kitchen.
He didn’t eat breakfast.
He couldn’t.
He felt to ill.
Still, Iwol attempted to go about his day normally as if he were fine.
His headache wouldn’t go down despite the medication and he just felt more nauseous as time passed.
At lunch, they had salad.
Again.
Iwol’s salad had oriental dressing on it. He’d eaten it and forgotten how his stomach was when he was 28.
Bad decision.
He could hardly keep it down.
He managed to.
Barely.
As soon as spark had finished eating together, Iwol went to the toilet and vomited the entire meal.
Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to eat at the moment.
Iwol started to slip back into his past life habits: not eating much and throwing up efficiently.
He remembered how he dealt with his appetite in the past and mimicked how he treated it then.
Iwol skipped as many meals as possible. He slept longer to conserve the calories he still had as well.
He didn’t want to throw it all up so he decided to try and avoid eating entirely.
The next day, Iwol skipped breakfast.
He wasn’t allowed to toast the bread again because of his head injury so it was hard to make an excuse about already eating.
The others caught on quick.
On the third day during lunch, Kiyeon started to comment on Iwol’s eating habits.
“Hyung, you’re done eating already?”
He was too keen eyed that kid.
Even Joowoo, a notoriously small eater, had noticed.
“Are you feeling sick?”
Iwol’s masterful smile reflexively appeared as he dismissed their worries, joking about him being tired of only eating salad.
Cheonghyeon laughed at his comment and agreed. There were so many more interesting foods in comparison to salad.
Choi Jeho obviously didn’t care.
He’d already eaten three servings for himself.
If Iwol wasn’t trying to be sly about his lack of appetite, he would have gladly given that muscular brute his portion as well.
Still, Kiyeon pressed the issue.
He stated how iwol hadn’t eaten any breakfast and now was only eating a small lunch on top of that.
“Are you keeping tabs on me?” Iwol tried to brush it off with a joke.
Kiyeon’s eyes narrowed as he scolded Iwol.
They all ate at the same table, of course he’d notice if Iwol’s eating patterns had changed.
Seongbin also highlighted his worry and reminded Iwol to take his meds. Telling his hyung that eating would help him recover.
He didn’t know that Iwol’s condition had absolutely nothing to do with his injury.
It was psychological.
Admist all of their banter, Iwol started to feel the familiar taste of bile in his throat.
He excused himself from the table and rushed to the bathroom in a hurry.
Like usual, his lunch came back out of him. It stopped phasing him at this point.
Why eat if he was going to chuck it all up?
Honestly if he didn’t have to eat with spark, he would stop eating all together.
Iwol gripped the sides of the toilet seat tightly as he expelled copious amounts of green.
It looked gross.
It felt gross.
He wished he could just stop.
He wished he could walk over to Hannam bridge once more and stare at the water.
He wouldn’t do anything.
Of course not.
But… maybe it would help with his nausea.
On top of his general illness, Iwol was becoming increasingly dizzy.
He ate less but still practiced just as hard.
He still expended so much energy.
The dead sleep he was getting was only because his body didn’t want to completely shut down.
A blue light illuminated his vision.
A mocking superior tone of text.
To ensure smooth task performance, negative emotion recognition will be minimized.
Despite being an almighty system, its so called reward didn’t fix a thing.
Iwol still felt ill. He still felt dizzy. He still felt sad.
‘Negative emotion recognition my ass.’
Nothing had changed.
Was this some kind of cruel joke?
The next day Iwol slept in. This had never happened before.
It was weird.
He struggled to bring himself upright and instead pulled the covers over his head.
His sister’s face still wouldn’t leave his mind.
Cheonghyeon came up to his bed.
“Good morning!”
Iwol didn’t reply.
He couldn’t hear the younger boy greeting him.
He saw her again.
Smiling.
His vision crossed as he saw his sister’s face overlap with Cheonghyeon’s.
“Are you okay?”
Cheonghyeon noticed that Iwol seemed off. He had been for days. However, he seemed particularly out of it this morning.
Iwol didn’t reply.
Something was wrong.
Cheonghyeon turned around to try and get Seongbin to help out when Iwol mumbled something.
“No… noona don’t leave me again…”
Iwol had a sister?
Cheonghyeon never knew.
He turned back around to face his hyung noting how unfocused and glossy his eyes were.
Was he delirious? Why?
“Iwol hyung? You have a sister?”
Iwol’s eyes flicked towards Cheonghyeon’s with slightly more clarity.
“Ah..”
“Hyung..?”
Cheonghyeon reached out and touched Iwol’s forehead. It was burning hot.
“You have a fever hyung…”
“Oh.. I’ll be okay Cheonghyeon.”
Iwol immediately tried to brush it off. He didn’t want to be a burden. He was already useless, he didn’t want to ruin spark’s practice time as well.
As Iwol started to get out of his bed, Cheonghyeon held him down firmly.
“No hyung, you’re staying in bed. Unless you’re going to the hospital.”
Iwol’s looked away, he wasn’t going to the hospital over such a trivial matter. He’d comply with Cheonghyeon’s demands for now.
Iwol brought the covers back over himself and stared above him. He was wasting practice time.
Sure he was malnourished.
Sure, he was dizzy.
Sure, he had a fever.
But was that really so bad he had to skip practice?
(Yes)
Seongbin came into the room and chastised Iwol.
“You’re not eating enough for your recovery… and now you’ve got a fever. What did you expect?”
Iwol felt embarrassed. He was wasting Seongbin’s time just because he couldn’t manage himself properly.
Simply because he was feeling a little depressed and overworking himself, his body decided to betray him. That was unfair.
He was just trying to compensate for his incompetence, was that so wrong?
“I’m fine Seongbin…”
“No you are not. Stay in bed for the day, we can take care of you.”
“But our schedule-“
“Is relatively empty. Iwol don’t try and fight me on this. Your health is more important.”
Seongbin cut Iwol off, shutting down any nonsense about working in his current state.
Eventually, Iwol gave in. He had to. This was a matter Seongbin wouldn’t compromise on- he was too reliable.
Iwol decided to just sleep.
He didn’t want to eat. The memories still interfered with that.
So after taking his medicine for recovery, he shut his eyes and drifted off.
He dreamed of that memory again.
He dreamed of the crushing loneliness of life.
He dreamed of Hannam bridge and how he kept walking to it every day.
He dreamed of the crushing absence of his noona and having to live with it.
When he awoke, he still saw her.
He still remembered. He wouldn’t forget again.
But in front of him huddled a group of teenagers. Spark.
They were checking on him.
Even though Iwol still felt despair and crushing depression and pain, he wasn’t alone.
Not this time.
He had spark.
Even if he was useless.
Even if he was a burden.
They still cared for him.
They’d help support him.
Iwol found it preposterous.
He still couldn’t stomach his meals properly and he still couldn’t think straight, but they still talked to him.
They put a damp towel on his head.
They held his hand while he murmured in sleep.
Iwol still had the pain of loosing his noona in his heart but there were people trying to fix it.
They didn’t know why he was suffering, they didn’t ask him, they were simply there.
And for some reason, that brought a smile to Kim Iwol’s face.