Work Text:
꩜
i don’t think we’re wasting time
but if you do, i’m sorry
i can see a life with you,
but if you can’t , i’m sorry
if four months mean nothing
if none of it counts for something,
then i’m sorry.
꩜
charlie has never the person who dates casually , he has never been the person who has a ‘situationship’.
this had all changed when he had met the captain of the rugby team - Nick nelson.
a strawberry blonde, jacked boy with brown doe puppy eyes with lashes that leave a permanent scar on people when he blinks, his freckles that are splattered across his face. his voice that is gentle and soft when speaking with charlie.
charlie would never force nick into anything he wasn’t ready for or even wanted but charlie’s feelings for nick had became agonising for him to handle. he catches himself lingering on a thought of what they are? is it casual for them? does it mean anything?
given the circumstances i wont ask you to stay, given the circumstances i would get it if you walked away.
nick and charlie spent most of their days together, they would bake together, talk about books they were reading or the music they liked, sharing personal struggles with each other. they learned to understand each other in the way soul mates would, charlie couldn’t capture in enough words that this is how his life has turned out to be.
however, nick and charlie have never had the talk about what they are ever, charlie would never ask nick to ‘stay’ with him like he’s a burden of a man who needs nick to protect him , he would understand if nick just one day- without a warning - would wake up change his mind and tell charlie he was leaving.
charlie had this enduring feeling that he always ruins people life’s it had gotten worser when he was in secondary school, he was dating this guy who only used him when he wanted to kiss a boy, he had never seen charlie as a boyfriend more just a pair of lips he could kiss. of course charlie hadn’t released it at the time but as he managed to slip away from the relationship , he wondered if that was all he was worth. a gullible love stuck fool who’s only purpose was to have lips a guy could kiss when they are experimenting.
charlie wanted to be more than an experiment for nick.
but all my life, i’ve been looking for this it seems fitting that things go to hell now that i’ve found it.
charlie would never admit this aloud but he’s always wanted the perfect romance, like the ones he reads. he wanted someone to love him proudly, someone who didn’t make him think that love had to be earned, someone who made him realise love is free if it’s with the right person and most importantly he wanted someone who understood him. he can’t seem to wonder if he’s found that within nick.
charlie had suffered with a bad eating disorder within his last few years at Truham grammar school, he wouldn’t say he’s ’cured’ because an eating disorder isn’t something you cure, it’s something you learn to handle, something you learn to live beside, his mental health took a drop around the summer before he went into year 11, he couldn’t eat without a voice inside his head telling him terrible things would happen, he had began to feel like he had control over something unfortunately his eating discord had all the control over him.
at the start of the new school year , he had began to miss school more frequently causing his mother - jane spring - to be constantly yelling and nagging him about how he needs to be in school and how he’s being irresponsible with all the time he is missing. charlie couldn’t help that his body felt like it was decaying slowly after every day. he was at war within his head almost every day, thoughts that spiralled over him.
he also has a history with self harm, he’s over two years clean now, but when things were really hard and his mind wouldn’t stop overworking him he had found a certain comfort within relapsing, he’s aware it wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism but he was desperate for anything to shut his mind off for a while.
he finally went to the doctors in early October, it went well with him being referred to an eating disorder clinic, but his appointment wasn’t until January. he had started getting really bad after that, he didn’t hang out with his friends or even text them back anymore - distancing himself thinking he wasn’t worthy of their care and reassurance - he wouldn’t leave his room at all, he wouldn’t eat. his attendance for school was troublesome he managed to go in some days but after that he’d be really tired and just overall like a zombie within his body.
he finally decided to go to the hospital to get help, that’s where he met his therapist geoff, geoff was a kind man, he never made charlie feel shameful or guilty. he never judged charlie when he couldn’t eat, when he relapsed, or when he couldn’t understand why his mind treated food as a weapon instead of a basic human necessity. in his time within the hospital charlie had gotten diagnosed with anorexia and OCD, he said it didn’t make sense at first but then he came to understand how his thoughts worked, how is mind rejected simple things.
he spent two months within the hospital, it was hard at first. he spent weeks before he even went researching about mental health clinics , he found some about horror stories they weren’t particularly helpful but he hoped and prayed he would have a decent time. he didn’t want to be treated like shit. eventually over time charlie had began to be healthy enough to leave the clinic, being sent home with meal plans and weekly therapy appointments with geoff, ‘recovery isn’t a straight line but eventually it gets better’, he’d tell himself when he felt like shit.
as time passed charlie had began to regain his confidence and his charm back, he went back to school slowly not over working himself too much, recognising when he needed time for himself, noticing his bad days that slowly get less frequent but still happen. charlie sometimes questioned if his life could have always been so peaceful if he didn’t get bullied in his early high school years, if he didn’t have a shitty ex boyfriend at 14.
he’s came to peace with his mental health struggles slowly but he knows relapses are normal, bad days don’t last forever and struggling is normal and nobody is perfect.
i don’t think we’re wasting time, but if you do, i’m sorry
charlie had began to reflect on his days with nick, they weren’t the most exciting, outgoing people alive. most days they’d just sit in one their dorm rooms, eating together , taking naps or even just talking.
it was a comforting peace that charlie wanted forever. he didn’t think him or nick had to rush anything, that they needed to have deep conversations about what they are, he admits it would be nice to have some stability with their relationship but he wasn’t going to push it. he knows if nick didn’t want this, he wouldn’t continue to return to charlie’s arms at the end of a long day.
sometimes he wonders if nick thinks they’re going to slow, that they aren’t making ‘progress’ with whatever the fuck they are.
he wonders if nick ever thinks about them as much as he does i mean how couldn’t he? they are inseparable.
but there’s always a thought in the back of charlie’s mind that he’s way to much for nick, that he shouldn’t be here. that nick is leading him on like ben did.
i can see a life with you, but if you can’t i’m sorry. it four months means nothing, if none of it counts for something then i’m sorry.
charlie sometimes pictures his life with nick in 5 years time, they’d both be done with university, nick would have his teaching degree, charlie would be a book editor.
nick would come home after a long day, charlie would be in the kitchen making them dinner as he walks in and wraps an arm around charlie’s waist kissing the back of his neck while they talked about their days as they finished making dinner before ending the day wrapped within a comforting warmth of each other.
he thinks to himself if nick thinks about their future the same, he’s feels apologetic if he can’t see them continuing after uni, when their life’s get serious but also, hes been told he’s rather an optimist with his life.
however nick and charlie only met four months ago, they moved quite fast they’d hang out everyday or even just talk when they couldn’t be together. they started sharing song requests to each other, nick was a massive harry styles fan so charlie had learned to adapt that he’s slowly going to be turned into a harrie by nick, he was okay with that.charlie loved to share nick conan gray songs, he noticed they were all a bit sad but nick didn’t seem to mind. they never judge eachother for their personal interests instead they’d be there when one of them wanted to talk about them, wanted to share a song or a random story.
if this was a casual friendship , charlie told himself he’d never purse anything like this again. his feelings were eating him alive. he couldn’t handle the chest pain when he thought about nick with someone else , his heart ached for nicks embrace, for him to be forever in his arms, to be forever in his presence. to just be his.
oh, if spending every night in your bed meant has no meaning.
it wasn’t out of the blue for charlie to be in nicks bed at every night fall, he doesn’t know if it means anything but sometimes he’d find himself with his head placed upon nicks chest while nick possessively wraps his arm around charlie’s thin figure. the first time this happened charlie had tried to move of nicks chest assuming he wouldn’t notice if went back to his side of the bed but has he began to move nick pulled him close and whispered silently while basically sleeping “stay.” and ever since that night, nick had been charlie’s personal pillow basically, they would end their days the same watching re runs of the great british bake off as charlie slowly doses off into a slumber as nick tries ti be suttle about the fact he watches charlie’s eyes slowly close.
then what are we? just a sorry excuse for love? love.
he is so in love with nick at this point, it’s unbearable to see sometimes. he catches himself talking about him non stop when he’s not with him, when he’s within his warm embrace his chest relaxes, his mind slows down for the first time in the day. he knows that it’s wrong to feel this much about a person who can’t tell you how they feel about you but he can’t help but silently pine for his lover to wake up and realise.
he doesn’t want this to just be some casual thing anymore. he doesn’t want to be a random thought that crosses nicks mind. he doesn’t want to just to be a guy nick knows. he wants to be nick nelson’s boyfriend no matter how much it takes, no matter how long he will wait.
charlie buried his face in his pillow, screaming slightly he was losing his mind over this crush, he can’t keep having the same persistence thought in his mind.
“…what are we?” he thinks to himself multiple times a day, he knows nothing between them is a casual thing. the reoccurring thought that there’s a invisible string that is tying his soul towards nick. an irritable worry that he’s overthinking this. that when the time is right the conversation will happen. but what if it never does happen? what if nick pulls away from him. causing the red string between them to only pull charlie as nick gravitates away.
i don’t think we’re wasting time, but if you do, i’m sorry. i can see a life with you, but if you can’t i’m sorry. if four months mean nothing, if none of it counts for something, then i’m sorry. oh, if spending every night in your bed has no meaning, then what are we? just a sorry excuse for love? love.
…. what are we?