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Peter Parker had not been this nervous since the first time he had jumped off a building, and two of the words in that sentence hurt worse than the cracked ribs he was currently nursing.
It was 3 a.m. and the city that never sleeps was at least dozing lightly. Sure there were still people out and about. There were still the sounds of traffic below. There was still someone shouting at someone else - and he had checked on his way here and it was just an argument.
No one was in danger.
Not this time.
He landed on a fire escape, one that was easy to spot if you knew what you were looking for. Pink peonies, blue hydrangea, and white lilies.
The woman who lived here also had the largest trans pride flag she could find hanging over her sliding door in case the flower arrangement was too subtle.
No one could see this particular fire escape from this angle. He was safe. He took off the mask and then reached for the sliding door to knock but then his hand froze as he caught his reflection on the glass.
He had one black eye that wasn't quite swollen shut but was bordering on it, a busted lip that still hadn't had time to heal and none of that hurt as much as the three days' worth of stubble.
Peter shoved the mask back on his head before he knocked.
There was a scrambling noise from inside. Three moments passed and that was all it took.
In this line of work you got good at getting changed or getting dressed quickly.
The sliding door flew open. And there she was.
Long blonde hair, a racerback tank top that was emblazoned with the words "Be gay, do crime," and black gym shorts. Her eyes locked on him and there was a moment as she took in the sight and he could see days of fear melt away from her face to be replaced by relief.
And all he could think was Please don't say my name. Gwen, I am begging you. Please don't say my name.
Instead she hugged him and pulled him inside with strength that could almost match his own.
He didn't even mind how much it hurt his ribs, although the wince made it clear
“Shit. Sorry,” Gwen said. “Let me get the first aid kit. Broken or bruised? Wait. First. Do I need to grab my suit?”
Her voice was higher than when they had dated. He needed to ask her about that. The HRT wouldn't have changed the pitch of her voice. He knew enough bio to know that but was that training or had she devised something else that helped her or gotten help from one of the super scientists they knew?
Still he knew she needed an answer right now. “Bad guys got locked up. It will probably be on the news tomorrow morning.” He held up a finger. “Hold off on the first aid kit but if you could I'd like some water.”
His voice was like a knife in his own ears even if Gwen didn't seem to mind.
Gwen raised a single carefully sculpted eyebrow. “You sure about that? No offense Pete, but you look like shit.”
He winced.
She misinterpreted.
“Okay, yeah, I'm getting the first aid kit.”
“Wait. Please. Just… Water.”
Now she could hear the strain in his voice and she gave him a considering look. “I'm gonna trust your judgment. You can take that mask off, you know. You're missing a lens and it's half torn anyway.”
He took a moment to look around her apartment. Not everything on the walls was queer although she did have a bi pride flag as well. There were also posters of her old band bookcases that contained science fiction novels she loved so much, including a shelf of the kinky mech books that she kept trying to get him to read, claiming they were as much anti-fascist as they were a porn, and the table where the miniatures she was assembling and painting lay.
No mirrors in this room and the flag covered the window.
He took the mask off, doing his best to lift it up over his neck so he wouldn't feel it against his cheeks.
“I was wron she said when she came back with the water and tossed him a bottle that he caught easily. “You look like deep fried shit.”
“Is that better or worse than just looking like shit?” He started to chug the water.
“Worse. it's still shit but also it's full of cholesterol now too.”
He laughed slightly and almost choked on the water. He held up a finger while he took a moment to cough to clear his airways.
Gwen was giving him an odd look. He couldn't quite parse it. Her eyes kept flicking to his like she was looking for something there or maybe she was seeing something there. “We found your phone by the way. MJ has it. Do you want me to call her?”
“No!” The word came out so fast, so urgent, so desperate, that he almost clamped a hand over his mouth. It caught him off guard, and it certainly took Gwen aback. “Sorry. I… I’m going there afterwards. Just… needed to talk to you first.”
“Alright” Gwen said, adjusting herself. She was going into business mode. He knew that look. She'd been Ghost Spider for three years now and she was very good at getting professional very quickly. That she had picked up during her stint with the Avengers. “What do I need to know?”
“It's not like that.” He paused and realized that wasn't entirely true. “Well there is one thing that you need to know.”
“Fuck me up, P.”
She was definitely watching his face as she shortened his name to just one initial. He wondered what she saw there.
Could she see the relief?
“Before I tell you I want to stress, as far as I know, he is still dead.”
Gwen took a deep slow breath. “Warren or Osborn?”
“Jackal.” Miles Warren, aka The Jackal. “Octavius found his old notes.”
“You are telling me that Otto Octavius, one of the deadliest people we have fought, found the Jackal's research.”
Peter nodded slowly. “It was before you were Ghost Spider. Remember? There's nothing to connect you to all of this.”
“Peter, that man kidnapped ,me and made a clone of me that was a cis woman because he wanted to see if she would become a trans man. Even counting the bridge, that was the worst thing to have happened to me. Every detail of that is seared into my mind. You do not need to remind me.”
He nodded. Damnit, Gwen. Not the name. “Sorry just… Wait worse than the bridge? Gwen, you nearly died then.”
She bit her lip. “I know and I know how terrifying that was for you but if not for the blood transfusion, I wouldn't be a superhero. Don't get me wrong, that sucked but… I would rather do that a thousand times than see that woman for a single second ever again.” Her eyes narrowed. “I'll also say you're stalling getting to the point.”
“I am not stalling,” Peter said, stalling for time.
Gwen wasn't gonna let him get away with it. “I know you. This is you stalling.”
“I'm getting there.” He took a deep breath. It hurt, but the pain was better than needing to continue. “Do you remember Flash Thompson?”
She stared at him with a slack-jawed look as she blinked a couple times. “...I want to say that topic change is as subtle as someone from a rogues gallery to make a joke but honestly, I'm pretty sure that Carnage is more subtle than that.”
“Just bear with me. Do you?”
She shook her head and rolled her eyes in obvious exasperation but deigned to humor him. “Yes Peter, I do. Was he involved in all this?”
“No just… Senior year. You didn't know I was Spider-Man yet and I didn't know you were Ghost Spider. We were both still pretending to be weak.”
She nodded. “Yeah?”
“How did you resist the urge to put him through a wall?”
“You mean for calling me a sissy, a tranny, or a faggot? Or do you mean for the constant dead-naming? Or for calling you a faggot for dating me?”
“All of them.”
She shrugged. The look on her face was inscrutable. “The same way you did, I guess. Although also I didn't want to go to jail for murder because I did not want to end up in one of the men's Rafts.”
Peter nodded slowly as he thought about it. That's right. Nick Fury Jr. hadn't been running S.H.I.E.L.D. back then so trans people were still put in with super villains that matched their assigned sex at birth not their gender identity.
“Why do you ask?” Dhe had that tone in her voice, the one that said, "I am being so patient with you but I would really appreciate it if you would get to the point."
He wanted to but also he was terrified of that. “Your dad handled the arrest on all of this.”
She pinched the bridge of her nose and then held up a finger. “I'm going to go get a beer. Do you want one? I need it before you hit me with another horrendous segue.”
“Thank you. Sorry.”
She stood up but was shaking her head. “Don't apologize. I'm not upset.”
“I know you. You're upset.”
“You need me to not be upset right now so at this moment I'm not upset. Once you've gotten to the point?” There was a clattering sound as she took two bottles of cheap beer out of the fridge and tossed one to him. “Once you've gotten to the point and we have dealt with whatever's eating at you, then I'm going to be upset.”
He winced. “Fair enough. Sorry.”
“Don't apologize,” she said again as she opened her beer. He noticed she had that ring on again. She'd gotten it after reading some of those books. It was some kind of medieval signet. He'd been meaning to ask her what the Latin on it was. He'd never gotten a good look at it.
He took a moment to study her. Back in high school she had been so timid, the shy trans girl who never really knew how to navigate an awkward puberty, especially after her dad had kicked her out and she'd come to stay with her and Aunt May.
Him and May. Him. He was a man. He just needed Gwen to help him clear up the confusion.
And she would because she knew him and she knew he wasn't trans.
“What if I apologize for apologizing so much?” He did his best to smile. He could feel the stubble when he did and it took the smile away.
She raised a good-natured middle finger. “P, what happened?”
The initial again. She had done that sometimes back when they were dating.
“Octavius cloned me.”
“Oh gods I'm so sorry.” She reached out and put a hand on his knee and he took it and held it for a moment. “What happened to him? The clone. I know Octavius got arrested.”
“Clones.” Peter emphasized the S on the end. “One of them got arrested too. Goes by Kaine. He tried to kill me. Not his fault. Octavius has something in his head. They're taking him to SHIELD to get it out. I don't know what happens after that.”
“How many?” Gwen asked.
Peter held up four fingers and began ticking down, Starting with the one before Kaine. “One he mixed with the DNA of a mutant that has some spider traits. That one's on its way - it wants to use it/its pronouns to be clear - to Rochester, the X-Men are going to help it out.” that was the second finger. “Ben Reilly… The process was unstable. He didn't make it.” He lowered the third finger.
She didn't say anything, just tightened her grip on his other hand.
“The last one was stable and in control. Got all of my memories, too, from the backup Octavius made. Before you became Ghost Spider so that one doesn't know about you. That one's… why I'm here.”
“Where is he?”
Peter shook his head. “I'm really glad I told May about me. I'm sorry that that one's crashing in your old room.”
Gwen's eyebrows shot up. “You trust him around Aunt May? He must be incredibly trustworthy”
Peter finally raised the drink to his lips and swallowed it all in a single go, not even stopping for breathing, just downing it.
Gulp
gulp
gulp.
“She is.”
If Gwen's eyebrows went any higher they would be leaving her forehead and heading into orbit.
“Her name is Jessica Drew. She has all my memories but Otto wanted to make sure at least one of the clones was stable. The notes to make a stable clone that he got from Jackal…”
Gwen started to nod slowly in understanding. “All those notes were about how to make a clone with XX chromosomes out of someone with XY chromosomes. Who donated the other X?”
“He did. Octavius himself.”
Gwen winced. “Your old mentor and father figure made a clone of you that's a woman, using both his DNA and yours?”
“When you say that, it sounds really fucked up.”
“If it wasn't real I'd be pitching it as porn to some of my writer friends.”
He started to laugh. For real this time. It wasn't that funny. It wasn't funny at all. No more funny than a bullet through the spine, but it was so fucking absurd that he started laughing and even though his ribs hurt with every breath he couldn't stop.
He couldn't stop laughing until the laughter turned to sobs.
The laughter turned to sobs and Gwen moved over to sit next to him and put her arms around him and he cried on her shoulder.
They sat like that until he got under control.
It took a while.
“Doc Ock must have done something to her brain. She was really happy with being a woman. Over the moon about it.” He wiped his eyes. “He must have implanted some false memories but she believes they were mine and she kept claiming that I…”
“Oh sweetie.” Her voice was soft and gentle.
“I wouldn't be happier. Not like that. I'm not like you. I support you. I just... that's not me.” Their eyes met and he knew how desperate he must look. He knew how much the pain in his eyes must show. “I know you used to think I was but clearly you figured out I wasn't so just…”
“Honey? I'm gonna hold your hands when I tell you this.” She literally did, grabbing both his hands, and Peter took a deep relieved breath. Here it came. She was going to tell him. Gwen, as a trans woman who knew him better than any person on the planet besides Aunt May and MJ, was going to be able to tell him that it was Octavius's manipulations and that Peter Benjamin Parker was a man. “I realized that I could lead a horse to water but I couldn't make her drink.”
“What?”
She shook her head and sighed. “What did you feel when you saw her for the first time? Saw yourself but as a cis woman.”
“No I need you to tell me-”
She raised a finger to stop him. When had she gotten this confident? It was more in the last year than anything else. Her presence had shifted, more authoritative, more commanding. His mouth clamped shut of its own accord almost. “Trust the process, okay?”
He nodded.
“What did you feel when you saw her?”
It had been like a yawning chasm opening beneath his feet. It had been like running through a desert towards an oasis only to find it was a mirage. It had been like a moment of seeing an angel before she turned around to reveal the red skin and horns. It was like having the venom symbiote torn from his body all over again. It was like watching Gwen fall off that bridge all those years ago but even worse because he was the one falling. “It… hurt.”
“I bet it did. Why did it hurt?”
Because he had been confused and in that moment he had wanted that. He had wanted so badly to be her. It wasn't fair. It was not fucking fair. How did she get all of that? Why was he still stuck in this gross, large, hairy body? “I was… jealous”
“You know the word. You know I've used it for people, including MJ. Come on sweetie. You can say it.”
He knew what she wanted. He knew what she wanted him to say. Not jealousy: envy. Gender envy. She wanted him to say that he had experienced gender envy.
But that would be admitting he was trans.
And he wasn't.
He pulled his hands away from hers.
“Fuck you.” The words came out flat. Gwen just met his eyes unflinchingly. He stood up. “Fuck you! Fuck you! And again: Fuck you! I should have known this was a bad idea! I know that you tried to convince me that I was like you when you were younger! I just thought you'd grown out of that! I’m not a fucking -”
Thwip
She'd slipped on her web shooters at some point and the webbing landed on his mouth. His spider sense didn't go off because it wasn't enough to trigger danger and he hadn't seen it happen through the tears in his eyes.
“We were both going to regret the next word out of your mouth,” Gwen said calmly, but it was a dangerous calm, the calm of someone who was holding back fury. “That's a new formula of mine. Only takes five minutes to dissolve. You can use that five minutes to calm down or you can get the fuck out of my apartment and get back to your girlfriend. Your call.”
He considered leaving. He could just go home, go back to MJ, shave and shower, and let her patch him up and forget this ever happened and put it all behind him.
But Jessica… He would have to see her again.
It wouldn't work.
He motioned towards his mouth.
“I'm going to assume that means you wanna take the five minutes to calm down.” She let go of some of the anger she was holding on to. “Good call. If you had left, it would have been a hard time getting me to forgive you. I'll be real about that. But I remember how scary my egg cracking was too so I'm going to let you have a pass on whatever you didn't say there, OK? Besides, I'm pretty sure that you can reclaim that word if you want to.”
He winced and nodded slowly.
“Bet. Have a seat. I'm going to go get a razor for you in one of my estrogen vials. You can't just use off-the-shelf Valeate.I had to formulate this specifically because if there's not some hormones for female spiders in here, it makes us really fucking sick, ok?”
He started to shake his head, holding up his hands. That was too much. That was too fast.
“There's a saying from a book that you need to read at some point: ‘Give a trans woman an inch and she'll take ten years.’ You're taking the estrogen. You can tell yourself I'm force-femming you if that makes it easier but you're taking it.”
He sat down and crossed his arms.
“Good girl.”
That was like an electric wire to the base of his spine. His eyes shot open. He looked at her. He tucked one foot behind the other. Had he whimpered there?
She patted his cheek, carefully avoiding the stubble. “Close your eyes.”
Peter did.
“Take a deep breath.”
Peter did.
“Remember that character you played in that game where you played as a woman for the first time? Do you like her name?”
He had forgotten about that god that had been so much fun. That had been a wonderful time and it was close to his name and that had been the first time he had really experienced gender euphoria, wasn't it?
Peter nodded.
“Open your eyes.”
Petra did.
“Let me go get the estrogen for you okay?”
Petra worked her jaw. The webbing was dissolving already and she was strong enough that it was starting to fall away as she did. She felt a bit like Neo in that scene in The Matrix and the parallel there made her grin. “I don't know how to tell MJ.”
Gwen raised an eyebrow. “Petra, MJ is bi.”
“How do you know?” he asked.
No.
She asked.
Gwen caught the wince. “Took me a bit before I stopped misgendering and dead-naming myself too. Don't worry it does get easier and it does go away, I promise.”
“That's good. But MJ?”
Gwen smirked.
Realization hit Petra. “Wait what?”
“Just for a couple weeks after you and I broke up but before you and her started dating. Don't blame her. She wanted to tell you but I was worried you'd be weird about it.”
“You two just dated though, right?”
Gwen leaned down and put her arms on either side of the couch so that she was looming over Petra. “Don't worry. She's bi.”
The implication was clear and Petra's cheeks flushed as she thought about two of the women she had loved, having shared a bed, especially knowing that she knew them both intimately.
“Oh. Oh.”
Gwen nodded, booped Petra on the nose, and then vaulted over the couch to head towards her bedroom. There was a bit of a cocky swagger in her steps that hadn't been there before. “Oh don't worry by the way. She knows. Given how often we fought about it, I told her it was best to wait until you were ready but we were going to do an intervention if your egg hadn't cracked by the time you hit thirty.”
“Did everyone but me know?” The question both came out strangled and amused.
“I'm pretty sure Jameson doesn't.”
That got a laugh out of Petra. “Oh fuck so I'm gonna have to come out to people. Wait, what about Aunt May? Miles?”
There was a moment of silence as Gwen rummaged around in her drawer and came out. She had a syringe and a vial. “I'm pretty sure Jameson doesn't know. Don't worry, Petra. It's not going to be that hard.”
Hearing her name out loud from someone else was like basking in the sun. It was like drowning in the stars. It was transcendent. It was beautiful.
When she asked the next question, there was no pain in it. “How was it so obvious?”
“I'll fill you in later. For now… left or right? My formula is based on one of the slower-decaying estradiol. You only need to do a shot every two weeks but it's still good to alternate legs. The spider portion of it might have some unusual effects as well because you weren't already on estrogen instead of starting the spider formulation four years in but nothing too extreme. I've been ready for this for a while. Susan Storm owes me $20 by the way. She was confident you were gonna go with Benni. Johnny's money was on May. Tony's gonna be so mad.”
“Left. What was the bet with Tony?”
“Anything but Petra? I had to do a year with the Avengers. Since you chose Petra, however, the Stark Foundation for Healthy Transition will be opening before the end of the year. Both funding people's transition and putting a lot of money into researching how to make the process better.”
Gwen shoved the needle in the vial, flipped it over, and started to draw.
“Don't worry. I did a blood test on you a month ago after that fight with Scorpion. I know how much you need. We're going to start you on an anti-androgen as well but not fucking Spiro. That shit sucks.”
“I trust you. Would you have really gone back to the Avengers? You hated it there.”
Gwen shrugged as she knelt down and just spread one of the rips already in Petra's suit on the left leg. She was all practice deficiency. Petra vaguely remembered that she’d mentioned helping an ex do her HRT. “Honestly that was mostly because the breakup went bad. Don't date Tony Stark. He means well. I don't think he's actually a chaser but he's a dick.”
“You and Tony-?” The rest of the question was cut off as Gwen shoved the needle into her leg and pressed down on the plunger. The pain was nothing. The relief, the fact that this was happening, the fact that she was already here?
That was everything.
“There we go. You can use my razor before you go. Trust me you'll feel a world better afterwards. Then get home too MJ. She's worried sick. We'll talk more tomorrow okay?”
“Just like that?” Petra asked.
Gwen smiled. “Just like that. Glad you finally made it Petra. Tell MJ I wasn't kidding about what I said last time we discussed your transition by the way.”
Petra blinked and for some reason her eyes darted to the other pride flag on Gwen's wall. That one wasn't for being queer. It was for being polyamorous, wasn't it? “What does that mean?”
Gwen smiled. “Like I said we'll talk tomorrow. Take care Petra. I'm gonna get back to sleep. I've been worried sick. I'm glad you're okay and I'll go talk to Jessica. She'll probably need some company.”
“Thank you for everything.”
Gwen smiled and she shrugged. “Like I said. I know you.”
Petra laughed. It felt right. She was tired and delerious and in shock and in pain and she was the happiest she'd been in years. "Yeah. I guess you do."