Work Text:
Sunday, 9:12 AM
Don’t Pick Up
Good morning, Natalie!
I’m so sorry I had to leave but duty calls and I had to get to work!
But I left you some water and an extra strength Advil by your bedside for your hangover!
I considered whipping up something to leave you for breakfast but I wasn’t sure what you’d like or if you were even a breakfast person (you should be!)
I just wanted to say I had so much of fun last night and it was so great to catch up with you!
I hope we can do it again soon 🙂
??
who the fuck is this?
Don’t Pick Up
You’re so silly, Nat!
It’s me! Duh!
genuinely don't know who the fuck you are
did we hook up last night?
Don’t Pick Up
Of course not! You were drunk!
But not for lack of trying haha
YOU were the one trying, for the record
Has anyone ever told you that you’re a very handsy drunk?
right
again who are you?
Don’t Pick Up
Did you not save me in your contacts?
You’re the one that asked for my number!
yeah
but your name is just ‘don’t pick up’
so you must have been annoying
Don’t Pick Up
Well that seems rude!
Why would you even bother asking for my number or saving it if I was so annoying?
idk
maybe you were a good fuck
Don’t Pick Up
I already told you we didn’t have sex!
ofc you’d say that if i was drunk
maybe you’re some kind of creep
Don’t Pick Up
I’m not and we didn’t!
I hardly think you’d save my number if I really creeped you out
everyone says i have terrible taste so i might
Don’t Pick Up
Well I am officially offended and ending this conversation!
Good luck with your hangover
wait so you're not gonna tell me who you are?
Don’t Pick Up
Nope! 🙂
Sunday, 10:03 PM
just realized you said it was nice to catch up
so i knew you before last night?
Don’t Pick Up
Hello again, Natalie!
I was just getting ready for bed!
Are you going to be less accusatory this time?
if you tell me who you are
Don’t Pick Up
I don’t know, I think it might be more fun this way
More mysterious!
And I love a good mystery!
yeah but its not mysterious to YOU now is it
you’re the one that knows everything
Don’t Pick Up
And that’s just as fun!
Goodnight!
Monday, 11:09 AM
Don’t Pick Up
Good morning!
Remember anything from our date yet?
no i never remember shit from when i’m drunk
and date?
Don’t Pick Up
Well maybe not technically one
But we had drinks and we made out and I took you home
and we didn’t have sex
so you say
Don’t Pick Up
We didn’t!
What kind of a woman do you think I am?
ah so you are a woman
i figured since no straight man uses that many exclamation marks
but you never know
Don’t Pick Up
Yes!
A woman with a “great rack” according to you ☺️
jesus
that does sound like me tho
must be why i saved your number even tho you’re annoying
wanna refresh my memory?
Don’t Pick Up
I’m not sending you a nude at 11 in the morning!
later tonight then?
Don’t Pick Up
Ha! You wish
Maybe when you remember my name!
worth a shot
Tuesday, 10:54 AM
Don’t Pick Up
I burnt my tongue on my coffee this morning and it still hurts 😟
are you gonna text me some bullshit every day now?
Don’t Pick Up
Yep!
ugh
can you at least do it after like 2
this is the third time you've woken me up
Don’t Pick Up
It's almost 11??
exactly
and i don't like to get up before noon
Don’t Pick Up
That's just crazy to me!
But fine. I'll text you after work is finished
good
Don’t Pick Up
Are you really still in bed right now?
yeah
but you woke me up now so i guess i'll just get up
Don’t Pick Up
Make yourself some breakfast! It's the most important meal of the day!
maybe
i think i have some leftover pizza in the fridge
Don’t Pick Up
Pizza is not breakfast ☹️
sure it is
Don’t Pick Up
Let me Ubereats you something
What do you like?
you're not sending me anything
if there's food here when i get out of the shower i'm blocking you
Don’t Pick Up
You're no fun! But fine
Enjoy your ridiculous pizza
i will
enjoy whatever it is you do all day
Don’t Pick Up
I'm at work!
damn sucks to be you
Wednesday, 4:21 PM
Don’t Pick Up
Do you think I should get a bird?
ew no
why the fuck would you want a bird
Don’t Pick Up
Because they’re so cute!
They also grow deep emotional bonds and they have unmatched intelligence!
nah they’re ugly and scary
anytime i went into a pet story with a bird as a kid i was afraid it was gonna attack me
like peck my eyes out or some shit
Don’t Pick Up
I would obviously train it and keep it in a cage!
get something cuter if you want a pet
a cat or dog like a normal person
Don’t Pick Up
I have always really liked cats
They’re solitary creatures and I can relate to that
cats > birds
but dogs > cats
Don’t Pick Up
I should have known you’d be a dog person!
What kind of dogs are your fav?
idk don’t really have one
just not those ugly little purse dogs
something big
Don’t Pick Up
I admit I’d probably get a small one if I ever got a dog
But they’d at least be fluffy! Not one of those skinny rat dogs
yeah those are the ugliest
Don’t Pick Up
Did you have a dog growing up?
nah i wish
we couldn’t afford a dog and my dad would’ve treated it like shit anyway
but i’d go into the pet store and play with them sometimes
Don’t Pick Up
Aw that’s so cute!
The pet store thing, not the other stuff
I’m sorry about your father
it’s fine
he’s dead now so whatever
Don’t Pick Up
Maybe you should get a dog now!
yeah right
no dog deserves the shit life i'd give it
Don’t Pick Up
I think you’d take great care of a dog but I understand it’s a lot of responsibility
Birds are a lot less so. Another perk of them!
then i guess you should get one
Don’t Pick Up
I think I will!
I’ll keep you posted
ok
Thursday, 6:37 PM
Don’t Pick Up
I love my job but boy do we get some of the dumbest people in here
what do you do?
Don’t Pick Up
I’m a nurse in the ER, remember??
no?
i don’t remember anything about you
don’t YOU remember?
Don’t Pick Up
Duh of course!
I’m just surprised I never mentioned it since
But I’m a nurse in the ER and you wouldn’t imagine the insane things people manage to do to themselves sometimes
people put a lot of things up their asses right?
Don’t Pick Up
Gross, Natalie!
you saying they don’t?
Don’t Pick Up
Of course they do but those are not the stories I like to tell because they’re disgusting
should you be telling any stories?
aren’t you like sworn to secrecy or something?
Don’t Pick Up
Doctors are the ones that take an oath not nurses
And I never give out any patient details obviously!
Just share funny anecdotes. People are always asking me for them
sure they are
whats the craziest thing that happened today then?
Don’t Pick Up
Today was more dumb people than crazy ones
A woman and her daughter came in because the little girl apparently kissed their class frog on a dare and her mom wanted to make sure she didn’t catch anything from it
disney movies are trying to kill our kids
Don’t Pick Up
It made me think about Joe Fazzio
Do you remember that? When Randy Walsh made him eat a frog at recess?
So mean!
lmao yeah that was funny as fuck
Don’t Pick Up
No, it was disgusting!
but wait
so that’s why we knew each other before?
from school?
Don’t Pick Up
Perhaps
high school too or just elementary?
Don’t Pick Up
That’s all you’re getting from me today!
Talk to you later alligator!
Friday, 7:13 PM
Don’t Pick Up
Do you know of a man that lives in your building named Robert Bruckner?
the fuck
no
why you looking to score?
Don’t Pick Up
Of course not!
He’s just coming up as a possible suspect for a string of recent car thefts and I was wondering if you’d have any insider info I could share
what the fuck are you talking about
Don’t Pick Up
Oh! I post on a message board with some like minded people
We’re the Citizens Detectives!
We investigate local crime and national cases
The cases are usually much more exciting than grand theft auto but it’s been a slow week
right you and your mysteries
you’re so fucking weird
Don’t Pick Up
True crime is an extremely popular hobby actually!
doesn’t mean its not weird
Saturday, 3:42 PM
Don’t Pick Up
Do you still watch or play soccer at all?
not really
never really liked it that much tbh
Don’t Pick Up
No?? But you were so good!
yeah that’s like the only reason i played it
and an excuse to be out of the trailer
Don’t Pick Up
But you had fun playing right?
i guess
Don’t Pick Up
I tried out but didn’t make it.
I always wanted to be part of the team.
Or any team really
you come to any of our games?
Don’t Pick Up
All of them! I was a big fan!
Are you still friends with any of the other Yellowjackets?
kinda van and tai
i see van when she comes to see her mom
and tai has helped me out of a few jams
Don’t Pick Up
That’s nice of her!
I hope you know you can come to me now if you ever need any help
i don’t even know your name
Don’t Pick Up
But you have my number and that’s all you need!
noted
Sunday, 2:09 PM
Don’t Pick Up
How was your Saturday night?
Surely not as good as last Saturday night was 😉
kinda boring
too tired to go out so just stayed in and smoked
Don’t Pick Up
As a nurse, I could just tell you horror stories of lung cancer patients that would scare you into never smoking again
not cigarettes
Don’t Pick Up
Oh
Duh! Of course, silly me!
So what I’m hearing is that you DID have more fun last Saturday night?
bar is on the ground and i still don’t remember shit but
yeah prob
Don’t Pick Up
I’ll take it!
Tuesday, 11:16 AM
hey you alive or what?
you didn’t annoy me yesterday
Don’t Pick Up
Yes sorry I’m fine
I just had a bad day at work yesterday and wasn’t in the mood to talk
I should have still texted you that so you wouldn’t worry
wasn’t worried
just
ok i guess i was a little worried
Don’t Pick Up
That’s very sweet of you
But I’m okay
My coworkers are just very unfriendly sometimes
you wanna talk about it or whatever?
Don’t Pick Up
No it’s okay, I’m more than used to bullies
I dealt with far meaner people in high school
well first fuck them
and second
does this mean you were a nerd in high school?
Don’t Pick Up
Will you stop talking to me if I said yes?
nah we had some cool nerds at school
just gotta figure out if you were one of them or not
Don’t Pick Up
I definitely wasn’t, but that’s all the clues you’re getting today!
Thank you for checking in on me though
It really means a lot
yeah sure whatever
i get you wanting to be alone
just let me know next time
so i don’t think you were murdered or something
Don’t Pick Up
I promise I will
Wednesday, 4:27 PM
Don’t Pick Up
Is my contact name still Don’t Pick Up in your phone?
lmao yeah
even tho i text back every time
Don’t Pick Up
You should change it then!
to what?
you still haven't told tell me your name
Don’t Pick Up
And I still won’t!
But I’m sure you can think of something a bit more fitting after all our talks this past week
i’ll think about it
Wednesday, 7:49 PM
changed it
Mystery Girl
To what??
wouldn’t you like to know
Mystery Girl
Of course I would!!
but you also like your mysteries so
Mystery Girl
You’re mean!
Thursday, 5:14 PM
i’ll tell you what your new name is if you give me a clue
Mystery Girl
To what?
who you are
Mystery Girl
You probably wouldn’t even remember me to be able to guess
Nobody really paid attention to me
Or maybe that’s not true
I guess people noticed me, they just didn’t like me
is that a clue or self pity?
Mystery Girl
It was me opening up!
But a little bit of both I guess
well thats not much to work with
you weren’t on the team but did i ever talk to you or anything?
Mystery Girl
Not a lot but you did
You were always really nice to me
One of the very few people that were
good to know even tho it doesn’t really help me bc i wasn’t an asshole to anyone
well not the kind of asshole you mean anyway
but does that mean you had a crush on me?
Mystery Girl
Wouldn’t you like to know 🙂
Your turn to give me a clue now!
its staying a mystery
Mystery Girl
Natalie!
So much for you being nice to me
Saturday, 5:14 PM
Mystery Girl
I saw you today
what? where?
that’s not fair
Mystery Girl
The coffee shop on Lincoln
It was pretty early too!
For you at least
Were you picking up breakfast by any chance? 😊
just a coffee
sorry to burst your bubble
Mystery Girl
I don’t know what you have against breakfast!
It’s the most important meal of the day!!
so you keep saying
but never said i had anything against it
i have it sometimes
remember the pizza
Mystery Girl
That’s not breakfast! That’s lunch!
yeah well i usually wake up too late to bother so i just have lunch
i'd have breakfast if you made it for me tho
Mystery Girl
I offered to send some to you and you threatened me!
not order
when you make it
Mystery Girl
What does that mean??
figure it out citizen detective
Sunday, 9:16 PM
there’s a dateline rerun on about this chick serial killer
reminded me of you
Mystery Girl
Not sure if I should be offended by that or not
not bc you’re a serial killer
i hope
but bc you get off on them
Mystery Girl
I do not "get off" on serial killers!
I just enjoy the thrill of trying to solve a case!
right
Mystery Girl
What channel is it on?
7
Mystery Girl
Oh! This is a good one!
Aileen Wuornos’s story is really fascinating
I can't help but think her past and motive make her quite sympathetic really
yeah this guy sounds like he had it coming
Mystery Girl
Though it's a common misconceptions that all of her victims did that to her
dude no spoilers
Mystery Girl
You’re actually going to watch it all?
nothing else on
Mystery Girl
That’s true
I suppose I’ll rewatch it with you
Did you know they made a movie about her? Charlize Theron won an Oscar for it!
but she's hot as fuck
Mystery Girl
They used a lot of prosthetic make up obviously!
Tuesday, 10:06 AM
guess what i'm doing rn
Mystery Girl
At this hour?
Hopefully having breakfast!
yeah
Mystery Girl
Wait really?
Or are you teasing me?
nah i'm eating breakfast
Mystery Girl
OMG!
What are you having??
mcmuffin
Mystery Girl
Natalie!
That's not breakfast!
whys it on the breakfast menu then?
Mystery Girl
Well it's not a healthy breakfast!
you never said anything about healthy
Mystery Girl
It was implied!
But one step at a time I suppose
I'm still a very happy camper 😁
this is better than a sext to you isn’t it
Mystery Girl
It just makes me really happy to see you taking better care of yourself!
i’m having breakfast not giving up smoking
Mystery Girl
Still! It’s a good first step!
And it shows I’ve been a good influence on you ☺️
you’re some kind of influence alright
Thursday, 3:53 PM
Mystery Girl
You want to hear something exciting?
sure
Mystery Girl
Actually I should say would you like to SEE something exiting?
are you finally sending me tit pics??
Mystery Girl
No silly!! Look!!
what the fuck is that
Mystery Girl
My son!!
I just got him today!
His name is Caligula 🥰
Isn’t he adorable?
what kind of name is that for a bird
Mystery Girl
He’s named after the Roman emperor
weird thing to name a bird after
Mystery Girl
Well what else should I name him?
tweety
Mystery Girl
Tweety Bird is a yellow canary
Caligula is an African Grey
well excuseeee me
all birds are the same to me
Mystery Girl
Are you purposely trying to poop on my party?
Is there something wrong?
no sorry you’re right
he’s cute
sure he’ll be the most spoiled bird on the block
Mystery Girl
Thank you, you’re forgiven
And yes he will!
But I promise I’ll still have time for you!
oh good bc i was so worried
Friday, 2:17 PM
how are things going with the bird?
Mystery Girl
Good!
He’s settled in quite well and he’s thankfully had most of his training already
nice
Mystery Girl
He’s even helping me pick out my outfit of my date tonight
It’s like he’s my very own gay son!
you have a date?
Mystery Girl
I haven’t mentioned it?
no
Mystery Girl
Oh, well a patient asked me out to dinner last week and I said yes
I’m so used to dating apps that it’s been so long since I’ve actually met someone and been asked out organically like that so I said yes
oh
yeah modern dating is trash
Mystery Girl
Right?
Like scrapping the bottom of the chip bag for crumbs
But I’ll let you know if it even makes a difference
awesome
Friday, 9:43 PM
what was the name of that documentary you told me to watch
Mystery Girl
What documentary?
idk that’s why i’m asking
i think it was a netflix one
about some kids
Mystery Girl
I’m not sure what you’re talking about
And I’m on my date right now
oh right
my bad
wait the kids were siblings i think
found in the woods maybe?
someone abandoned them or something
Mystery Girl
Can this wait until later?
fine
Friday, 10:15 PM
ok it definitely had lost in the name
Mystery Girl
Natalie, I can talk right now
right sorry
Mystery Girl
I’ll help you later
ok
Friday, 11:09 PM
Mystery Girl
It’s The Lost Children
oh right
thanks
Mystery Girl
You’re welcome
Saturday, 1:34 PM
how was the date?
Mystery Girl
Boring
He was a real dud
that sucks
Mystery Girl
I found myself wishing I’d stayed home with Caligula and watched the documentary with you
yeah?
Mystery Girl
Absolutely!
Did you end up watching it?
nah i started something else by the time you told me the name
Mystery Girl
I’m sorry
But we could watch it together tonight if you want?
sure
Mystery Girl
It’s a date!
maybe we should go on a real one of those
Mystery Girl
A date? Like an in person date?
yeah
you want to?
get dinner or something
Mystery Girl
Oh I don’t know if that’s a good idea
it’s cool
just thought i’d ask
since you said nobody asks people on dates anymore or whatever
Mystery Girl
And I appreciate it!
I just don’t know that I want to
yeah like i said it’s cool
Mystery Girl
Okay
Sunday, 7:43 PM
did i make all that shit up?
Mystery Girl
Excuse me?
i mean we’ve been flirting right?
basically this whole time
Mystery Girl
We have?
don’t play dumb
Mystery Girl
Okay yes, we’ve been flirting
and you said we made out that first night
Mystery Girl
We did
so are you really not interested?
Mystery Girl
I didn’t say I wasn’t interested
I just think what we have here is so great and I don’t want to ruin it by meeting in person
Talking to you is my favorite part of the day
why would that ruin it?
Mystery Girl
Just trust me, it would
jesus christ
because you were a loser in high school?
Mystery Girl
I believe we were using the term “nerd”
But well, yeah!
i can’t believe you think i give a shit about high school bullshit
i didn’t care about it then and i really don’t care now
you said i was nice to you right?
Mystery Girl
Yes
and im nice to you now
Mystery Girl
Relatively
so meeting you isn’t going to change that
i apparently liked you enough to try to fuck you that first night
and ask for your number
Mystery Girl
Which you saved as Don’t Pick Up!
but i always do
bc talking to you is the best part of my day too
so just fucking trust me
Mystery Girl
Okay
But if this is a real date, then you have to plan it and you have to pay
deal
Tuesday, 8:16 PM
where you are?
if you pussied out and ditched me i’m gonna kill you
Mystery Girl
I didn’t!
I just pulled in!
I’m sorry I didn’t text you I’d be late
I don’t like to text and drive!
good
i think i see your car
it’s ugly
oh no fucking way
of course it’s you
Tuesday, 11:36 PM
Mystery Girl
Texting as promised! Home safe and sound!
I had a wonderful time with you tonight
good
me too
but go to bed we'll talk about it tomorrow
Mystery Girl
Okay
Nighty nighty ♥️
night misty
Wednesday, 12:22 PM
Misty
In case I didn't make it clear yet: last night was so much fun and the best date ever!
could’ve had more fun this morning
can’t believe you skipped the chance to make me breakfast
Misty
I'm sorry I had to work!
And I don’t have sex on the first date anyway
i thought this was our second date?
Misty
Well then it's lucky for you I DO have sex on the third date 😉
thank fuck
Misty
Now that we have the flirting out of the way…
I wanted to thank you for giving me a chance
you don’t have to thank me for that
were you really that scared to tell me who you were?
was i an asshole to you that first night or something?
Misty
No!
You were very sweet, if a bit awkward and closed off at first
It wasn’t about you, it was about me
Most other people would have been disappointed at best and grossed out at worst when they saw the girl they were talking to and flirting with for weeks after drunkenly making out was me
Because I’m weird or annoying or not pretty enough, take your pick
I just didn’t want to risk seeing your face fall when you saw it was me
are you done?
Misty
Yes?
good
because i don’t give a shit about any of that
and it's not like i didn't consider it could be you and still wanted to meet up
do you think i talk to anyone else every single day?
even if you are weird and annoying i obviously like that about you
for whatever fucking reason
and you’re hot
don’t act like you don’t know that
Misty
I'm not acting!
When you get called ugly every other day growing up, you tend to start believing it!
But if I’m being honest, there WAS a little acting involved another time...
?
Misty
Don't get mad but I didn’t really have a date the other night 🫣
A patient DID ask me out but I turned him down
why?
Misty
Why did I turn him down or why did I lie about it?
both
Misty
I turned him down because I was hoping I’d be dating you soon
And I lied because I was hoping it would make it happen sooner
Which it did!
then why tf did you reject me when i asked??
Misty
I got nervous! I’m sorry!
For all of it!
whatever it's fine
i probably needed the kick in the ass anyway
been told i can be stubborn and self destructive
Misty
You don't say!
But we can work on that!
Along with making you a morning person 😁
good luck with that
Misty
Luckily I like a challenge!