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Oh damn, this job had definitely not been worth it. She should have retired ages ago. Spending her days gambling and drinking. No paperwork. No crazy jonins, no boring chunins, no hyperactive genins. No resurrected relatives, no corpses with a god complex, no gods at all, for that matter! Oh, she should do a pub crawl all around the country when she was finally blissfully retired!
And the main obstacle between her and her retirement was standing right in front of her, showing off day after day, was the one keeping her from that well-deserved retirement!
"Hatake, you are really getting on my nerves right now," Tsunade rubbed her temples tiredly. "This can't go on. So who else is there if not you? Come on, give me your alternatives."
"Maa, Tsunade-sama, you're still a woman in the prime of your life. Full of the Power of Youth and all that. Why retire at all?" Hatake looked up at the ceiling as though it was the most interesting thing in the world. Damn ill-mannered urchin! "What's another five years to you? Just keep an eye on us like a loving... older sister. And by then Naruto will be all grown up already! Kids grow up so fast these days!"
"Don't Power of Youth me, Hatake! Five years!? One counts as five here! I've had enough! And don't pretend this is some great surprise to you. Ever since Pain's Assault, it was obvious you were next in line. Don't give me that bullshit."
"Maa. Why not offer the hat to Orochimaru?" Oh, how she hated that smirk right now. "He's practically immortal. He can change his appearance and name every ten years and Konoha can have brand-new leader. Very practical."
Honestly, this brat! It was impossible! Easy now, Tsunade. You can deal with that. Stay calm.
"That's it! You've really pissed me off, Hatake. We both know this is inevitable and you're just stalling. So maybe you'll finally explain to me, using actual words that come out of your mouth, why you are stalling. Is the phase of the moon wrong? Was there no auspicious sign? Are you waiting for pigs to fly? I can launch a couple right now! What do you want, brat?"
"Maa, Tsunade-sama..." The jonin rocked from heel to toe and back again. "I just can't become Hokage yet."
"Boss, Guy..."
A familiar voice came from the direction of the window, and then a blue blur shot out through it.
No. Hatake. Seriously?
Wait a minute.
Guy as in Might Guy?
The puzzle was solved in record time when Shizune walked in.
"Tsunade-sama, Might Guy has regained consciousness!"
That indestructible beast! This absolutely needed to be celebrated today!
But first things first, she needed to get to the hospital. This was something she would have to supervise personally.
Tsunade threw the door of the hospital room open, perhaps a little more forcefully than necessary.
And what did she see?
Hatake Kakashi, the bane of her existence for the past few weeks, sitting on the floor with his cheek pressed against his eternal rivals palm, looking devotedly into his eyes.
Oh, she knew that look. She'd been around long enough.
She was willing to swear that if Hatake had a tail, it would be wagging right now.
Suddenly, the whole picture became crystal clear.
Konoha, here is your Sixth Hokage. Please give him a warm welcome.
And apparently, the one person capable of knocking at least a little common sense into his genius head had finally regained consciousness.
All that remained was to get him back on his feet and finally retire in peace.
Soon Might Guy would become the most influential man in Konoha.
Oh, Jiraiya, you old fool. You're missing out on such interesting times!
Tsunade had to admit that lately there had been far too little entertainment in her life.
A Fourth Shinobi World War could hardly be called a recreational activity.
So, when fate dealt her such a beautiful hand, one that allowed her to torment her successor, she was absolutely obligated to play it for everything it was worth.
Yesterday's discovery filled her with sparkling joy and anticipation.
No, under different circumstances she would never toy with anyone's tender feelings. But Hatake Kakashi had been the source of her headaches for weeks.
And they'd just won a war!
She should be cheerful, happy, drunk, and retired!
Sakumo, you left your pup too early. Look what he's grown into.
In any case, she was certain the brat could survive a little teasing. He had a backbone. After all, a Hokage had to.
Besides, she'd ordered a second bed to be brought into Might's room, so he should be grateful for her consideration.
Seriously, what a pair.
She wanted to see more of this romance in the ashes of war!
At times like this, she missed Jiraiya more than ever.
The scene unravelling in front of her in the hospital room had been worth it.
When else would she ever get to see Hatake looking so completely utterly smitten?
Sitting there, gently stroking his sleeping beauty's forehead.
How adorable was that?
And the fact that the beauty in question had nearly taken down Uchiha Madara single-handedly only made all that so much spicier.
Oh, was that The Moment for Kakashi?
Oh, how she wished she knew.
"Hatake, keep your hands to yourself until you've received explicit consent," the village leader cheerfully reminded him.
"Maa, Hokage-sama." Hatake smiled at her without a hint of embarrassment. He looked so smug it was downright irritating. "I have manners."
"That's a revelation," Tsunade began checking Guy's vitals. "You ran away yesterday without saying goodbye. Through the window."
"I have an excuse," Kakashi gave her a thumbs-up. "I was overcome by the Power of Youth."
"So how exactly is this Power of Youth transmitted? Airborne droplets, contaminated surfaces, or sexual contact?" Tsunade scoffed. "Get off him. I need to check his chakra flow."
"Could be any of those." Hatake answered but obediently moved to the chair.
Where had that willingness to cooperate been before?
The Fifth Hokage wasn't ashamed to admit that watching Sakumo's pup fussing over Konoha's Sublime Green Beast of Prey filled her with an almost unbearable amount of warm fuzziness.
Seriously.
Hatake could beat up tiny, inexpereanced genin without a shred of mercy. Granted, it was part of their training, but still. However, he was terrified of breathing incorrectly in the direction of the greatest taijutsu master alive.
A very strong and muscular taijutsu master.
Wasn't that adorable?
Ah, love, love.
Maybe she should start writing novels too.
Apparently stories about male love were all the rage these days, and she was practically retired anyway.
As far as she knew, writing went rather well with alcohol and other forms of entertainment.
Time for another episode of her favourite show.
That is, another examination.
Of course, an examination.
Oh, this scene was definitely going into her future novel.
Dark forest. Mission gone wrong. The hero is trying to pour some water into his wounded comrade's mouth. Both covered in dirt, blood, and perhaps slightly undressed. Just for a little spice.
Her prototypes had been fully dressed, clean, and the hospital looked nothing like a forest.
But the pose was exactly the same.
Hatake had climbed onto the other man's bed. Might was leaning back against him, drinking from a glass his eternal rival, or whatever they called each other, was kindly holding for him.
What an idyllic picture!
What chemistry!
Oh?
And whose hands were already moving?
And whose facial muscles were working again?
Guy was having trouble regaining mobility and speech after the coma, but he seemed to be recovering alarmingly fast.
Well, with such a devoted caretaker...
Wonderful, wonderful.
Who would have told her that this brat could actually look this happy?
"Morning, boys! I see we've made some progress."
Guy tried to make some sort of sound, presumably a greeting. But all he managed was to put on a guilty expression.
Well, at least one of them had some shame.
"Good morning, Tsunade-sama." Kakashi was gently stroking his shoulder. What a darling. "He can move his limbs a little today."
"And I see you celebrated by pawing all over him," the Hokage smirked. "Guy, he isn't abusing his position, is he? Just give me a hint and I'll throw him out of here in an instant."
Might slowly shook his head from side to side, just to make absolutely sure, while clutching the other man's sleeve.
Tsunade would bet that there was an entire speech going on in his head about how his noble rival would never behave in such an undignified manner.
"Maa, Hokage-sama, I am a respectable shinobi."
“Lying straight to your Hokage's face,” Tsunade said, looking him up and down with absolute disbelief. “No respect for his elders.”
"Well, if you're such a respectable shinobi, and you have permission to access the patient's body, how about I show you how to properly work his muscles and joints?"
Tsunade experimentally rolled the wheelchair forward and backward.
This one rolled more smoothly.
She sat down.
This seemed better than the previous one too.
Later, they would have a custom chair made for Guy, but this would do for now.
It definitely needed to be especially mobile and sturdy.
Vehicle selected.
Time to go visit the lovebirds.
The Hokage wheeled herself out of the storage room and addressed her guard.
"Roll me to Might Guy's room."
She wondered how yesterday's visit had developed.
Oh, this was going to be an interesting visit!
Hopefully they hadn't overdone the muscle and joint exercises yesterday.
They were certainly beneficial, but there had to be limits in their situation.
Seriously, it had looked like Hatake would simply have to be peeled off the other man's body.
And the way Might had looked at him?
As though he were afraid Kakashi would disappear if he let him out of his sight for even a second.
Definitely another scene for her future novel!
The ANBU stopped her wheelchair at the entrance to the room, either out of surprise or a sense of propriety.
It was a fairly intimate moment.
No matter.
They could all get used to it.
After all, she would soon be handing over the reins, and Hatake Kakashi would become the ANBU's problem.
Along with Might Guy.
Oh, the sweet air of freedom was already making her drunk!
As a medic, she could say that this very same Guy had regained a considerable amount of mobility in at least his upper limbs since yesterday evening.
At the very least, he was putting his hands all over someone else's body with considerable confidence.
His rate of regeneration had always amazed her.
Apparently, that infamous Power of Youth hadn't abandoned him after all.
Unless Hatake was currently sucking it all out of him through his mouth.
And he'd even turned around so their faces couldn't be seen.
Damn strategist!
"Roll me in, roll me in," Tsunade demanded. "This is your future Hokage and his... eternal rival. Get used to it."
He wasn't even denying the title anymore.
How wonderful.
If they kept up this enthusiasm, the entire Hokage Tower would soon be defiled.
Although there was a suspicion that Minato had already taken care of that during his own reign.
After all, he was Jiraiya's student.
Well...
His legacy would clearly live on.
The eternal rival at least had a shred of shame and tried to tear himself away from their activity.
But the brat, of course, wasn't exactly in a hurry.
Without breaking contact, he lowered his partner back onto the pillows, gave him an exaggeratedly loud smooch somewhere out of sight, and then turned toward the newcomers, already wearing his mask again.
Guy gave them one of his best smiles and raised a thumbs-up.
Nope, both of them were shameless.
She had been wrong.
"Good morning, Tsunade-sama," Hatake greeted her with such a satisfied expression that Tsunade wanted to hit him purely because she was overwhelmed by emotion.
"As far as I can tell, the patient can be switched to regular solid food," the woman said with a smirk as she rose from the wheelchair.
“Maa, yes, he is pretty good with his mouth.” Kakashi literally jumped at the sharp smack on his ass. “His physical strength is returning as well.”
Hatake deliberately rubbed his injured buttock, looking at his assailant the way children look at candy.
Oh no.
She did not want to think about that.
"Excellent work, Guy," Tsunade approvingly patted the patient on the shoulder.
Oh yes.
Might Guy was definitely only a step away from becoming the most influential man in Konoha.
Maybe they could even introduce green jumpsuits as the Academy uniform.
She would certainly like to see that.
Glorious times were ahead for the village.
She was sure of it.