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Alright let's do this one last time. My name is Petra Parker. I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and for the last three years I've been the one and only Spider-Lass. I'm pretty sure you know the rest. Well, maybe not exactly. Turns out genetically enhanced radioactive spider bites have some interesting effects on the human endocrine system! Not that I'm complaining.
I remember coming down from my room the day after the bite and Aunt May immediately noticed I was happier, although she couldn't quite tell why. I was big into hoodies and sweatpants in those days. It still took me until half a year into my job at the Daily Bugle to fully come out.
What? As Spider-Man? No no, hell no. As Petra of course. JJJ handled it pretty well. Well Petra’s transition, not Spider-Lass’s. He complained about how he had to come up with a whole new name for the “Spider menace”. He was actually pretty thrilled when I already had a name already to go for him.
Besides that I'm now pretty you know the rest. Uncle Ben told me “With great power comes great responsibility” as I held his dying body, I rescued a bunch of people, saved the city, got ridiculously tall, something to do with how female spiders are bigger, fell in love, fell in love again, turns out you do have two hands! Got a brand deal with Ikea (they're selling Spidey Themed Blahaj now! I got three), and I joined a roller derby team. And after all that I still love being Spider-Lass. I mean, who wouldn't?