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Being born a Shinonome means pain, Ena realises. Whether it's to the people you love, the people you hate or the person you are. It's in their blood to be cruel and push people away.
As Shinonome Ena dies, she wishes she could've broken the cycle. She doesn't believe in god but she prays that Akito will be everything she wasn't.
The pill bottle is all too familiar as she pours three too many into her palm, swallowing them dry.
Five tablets went down her throat on April 30th, 11:59pm.
One for each time she could've done better.
One extra for hope. Akito always liked the number 5.
one
November 12th, 3:45pm. Ena hops out of the car for the first time without her father's help. She stays quiet by his side, picking the paint off her sleeve whilst dad talks to the receptionist.
The halls are plain, she thinks. It scares her. She's used to colour - the life in her father's paintings, her mother's smile, her life.
Ena doesn't believe in fate or wishes or prayers, but as she sits next to her mum, legs swinging, little brother in her arms, she hopes that everything will be okay. That her parents won't fight, Akito will love her just as much as she loves him. That the world be better gentle and kind to him - like it never was to her.
She hugs him tight, startling when it's too much and she starts crying. He's barely been alive and she's already hurt him. She presses a kiss to Akito's cheek and he quiets. Their mother takes him back, father ruffles Akito's hair instead of hers.
There's a cold, twisted feeling in her heart but she shakes it off. Akito's a child, he deserves love, not her one year old temper. So, she smiles as their dad takes Akito into his arms and blasting about a competent artist to carry on the legacy.
Ena can't smile anymore. She gets up off the bed and runs, out of her mother's room and into the next door she sees. She leaves it ajar as she curls beside a mop and can of air freshener. The dark is scary, scarier than the plain walls - so she plaits some of the mops bristles together. It looks like her own hair, she thinks.
The warmth of the sunset spills through, making Ena's hair and eyes glow like Akito's.
two
March 19th, 6:00pm. 9 year old Ena (soon to be ten) and 8 year old Akito are walking back from a party. The older sibling is grinning, rambling about how Akito should have a birthday party like Airi's.
Golden hour turns into sunset as they get closer and closer to their street. They walk past a few people with dogs, Ena blinks once before speeding up, Akito's hand in hers. If you asked her why she'd say she wanted to get home before dark. If she asked herself, she'd admit she didn't want Akito getting too scared.
But, Ena's nine (nearly ten!) and Akito is eight. He can't keep up with her all the time. So as they pass by a woman with a chipper chihuahua, his hand slips and he falls.
"Nee-chan?" He whispers and Ena doesn't hear him for two seconds too many.
She falters when her hand feels cold. She turns on her heel and sighs when she sees Akito sobbing on the floor.
"Honestly, what would you do if I wasn't here," she asks herself more than her brother. Ena helps him up and keeps their hands firmly together as she walks.
"Nee-chan?"
"Aki, dogs can't be that scary..." she pauses for a moment. "What's up, Aki?"
"Will mum and dad be arguing when we get home?"
"I don't know, Aki. But I'll keep you safe! Like I did with the dogs!"
He nods, breath shaky. Ena pauses again before pulling Akito closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders as she walks.
I'll keep you safe, she thinks, all the pain will have to go through me first.
three
Akito hates loud noises. So when she gets a text about their father's yelling and the sound of glass shattering, she and Airi think as quick as they can.
She replies fairly quickly 'can you bring some shoes from home? I hurt myself and I don't think the wooden sandals are helping.'
The message is delivered and read. No response. She watched the app for a few minutes, until an Akito shaped creature latches onto her.
"Ena! I bought the shoes! You okay? Are you bleeding?" He pants and Ena smiles.
"I'm okay, Aki, just twisted my ankle slightly and didn't want it to get worse."
Akito nods, passing the box over and starting a conversation with Airi beside her. The shoes are fairly tacky, but Akito did run all this way, so she slips them on.
She grabs Akito's hand as she and Airi walk around. The pink-haired girl eventually has to go off with her sisters, leaving her and her brother alone. They take some more time walking before seeing the stage.
"Akito, look! Let's go!"
He grumbles but let's himself be dragged along. The music being performed catches his attention. Ena smiles and holds onto her brother's hand.
I'll keep protecting you, she thinks, Mum and Dad will never hurt you again.
As they walk out of the festival an hour or so later, the lanterns bathe them in a warm orange light. It suits him, Ena realises. She wishes she could remember this moment forever, but preserving the moment until she can get home and draw it is enough.
"Hey, Akito, maybe you should try that! Your voice is lovely I'm sure crowds would love you!"
Akito doesn't respond. She doesn't expect any better (he's been oh so moody since he quit soccer, but it's her job as a sister to love him regardless).
As they finally reach their street, Akito walks ahead. Ena let's him, staying back. When they get inside, Akito runs upstairs and Ena sneaks into the kitchen, grabbing some food to eat before following Akito. They've done this a lot - eat upstairs to avoid the shouts and cracks.
Akito curls up after eating, drifting off to the sound of pencil scratching paper.
I promise I'll always protect and love you, Ena thinks - amending her earlier promise.
four
Ena doesn't know what she did wrong. The moment Akito started high school as well they just... fell apart. She's tried bridging the gap but nothing works.
Eventually the rift gets bigger. Ena learns not to try, not to question when Akito stays up later than her, not to care when his cheeks are stained with tears or his clothes are covered in dried blood.
The last time Ena tries is November 12th. She leaves him a cheesecake and note in the fridge. They smile at each other, warm light seeping through the windows as Akito hugs her.
The last hug she ever got was from Akito Shinonome on his 16th birthday.
five
The three people outside the front door look nothing of not intimidating.
"Hello?" She tries.
"Is Akito in?" One of the girls asks - she's around Ena's height. Her hair reminds Ena of the stars (she'll have to draw the sky sometime).
"Why?" She asks.
As much as they fight, Ena isn't going to let in a bunch of people dressed as gangsters asking for Akito.
"Ena just let them in!" Akito shouts from upstairs.
She startles before moving aside. They slip their shoes off before going up to Akito's room. Odd, Akito never mentioned the girls - he's mentioned Toya plenty of times (she didn't recognise him at first, both the boys have grown so much).
After a while she heads upstairs herself, peaking into Akito's room. She sees the star-haired girl sitting across from the other three; Toya's head in Akito's lap and the blonde girl leaning into Akito's side. Odd. She'll ask later.
Later doesn't come; they don't leave and Ena doesn't get the chance to speak to him privately. She sighs and heads down to the kitchen, she might as well start some dinner for the 2 - no, 5 of today - of them.
Bowls piled onto a tray, she heads back up and knocks on Akito's door, "There's some stir fry out here if you want some. There's enough for the four of you... Make sure to eat something, okay?"
Ena stands in the doorway of her room when Akito grabs the tray. He whispers a quick thank you and Ena grabs her sketchbook with a smile. The setting sun accompanies her as she a hamster and a cat, sitting in a graffiti filled street under the starry skies.
When she wakes up (when did she fall asleep), there's a plate of pancakes outside her door. There's a note as well ('to Akito's big sister, thank you for your hospitality! The food was delicious!'). Ena takes the paper and pins it up.
When Akito re-introsuces his friends as his boyfriend and girlfriends, she nods, pulling them away to give the big sibling talk as well as plenty of congratulations.
"Congrats on pulling, I guess," Ena teases when Toya, An and Kohane leave.
Akito sighs something about not bothering anymore.
"Hey, seriously, congrats. I know I don't show it well, but I care, okay? If you need anything, if it's even as small as me answering the door for them, tell me."
Akito nods, letting Ena ruffle his hair, the ginger strands catching the sunlight that remains.
One last time.
I can't promise I'll love you as much as those three, but I promise to love you beside them, to be the family we should've gotten, Ena thinks before retreating to her own room.
Ena takes the note she wrote this morning and slips it through Akito's door, before shutting herself in the bathroom. She pours 5 pills out, one for each memory, one extra for all the promises she made to Akito and couldn't keep.
At 11:59pm, April 20th, she swallows them the same moment a frantic Akito bursts into the room, tears staining his cheeks.
He calls her name but everything is hazy. She can vaguely feel being picked up and being jostled. The scenes flash on and off as death draws nearer.
On April 21st, 00:05am, the doctors lose their fight. Under the sterile hospital lighting where everything began, Akito loses his sister.
He calls Mizuki first. She breaks down as much as he did, but she promises to let the rest of their music group know.
He calls Airi next. There's silence. Akito promises to come over later (it's not easy for both of them, losing both their first friends together, so they might as well stick together).
He texts his parents. The message is read.
He tells the rest of Vivid Bad Squad last. As the sun rises he breaks down over the phone.
Akito, much like his sister, never believed in fate or prayers. But as the sky cleared into daylight, he called out to the heavens for a miracle to come. For his sister to return.
Please, Ena, I can't continue this journey alone.
It's an uphill battle to stay live after that, but he manages. Not for himself, but for the brunette girl with cold eyes and a kind heart. For the girl who protected him from his own head. For the girl he should've been a better brother to. For the girl that shaped his life and will continue to do so.
For Shinonome Ena, the best sister he could ever ask for.