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“—Aaah! This is too good!”
I was snapped out of my trance by my girlfriend's exclamation, my gaze adjusting to her. Looking down at my crepe cone, I licked off the ice cream that was beginning to melt down the still warm thin pancake. My girlfriend, on the other hand, had already devoured the one on hers. I nodded in agreement.
“For real, it's so delicious…”
I followed her as we walked back into the busy plaza. Even now, her demeanor is still bubbly and confident. How lovely — I can't help but envy it.
Now that we're no longer in the shade, I hastily scoop up the ice cream on my crepe cone. Vanilla flavored, contrasting my girlfriend's chocolate. I had let her pick the face to be ‘drawn’ onto it, since her creative flair would make whatever idea she had be cuter anyways.
I can't help but stare at her.
A trendy, stylish dress hugging her thin frame. That pristine skin I know to be soft. Her well-kept hair, tied in half twintails to match mine. Her every movement laced with confidence. A seriously perfect girl, admirable, enviable. I'm unable to see what makes her like me enough to date me. I take a bite of my crepe, sweet pancake and whipped cream filling my mouth, and avert my gaze. I do still want to look at her, but as I do, I only become more aware of myself.
Y'know, considering why we're here today, I should be thinking of us together instead of dwelling on these things. But it's hard. We wouldn't be in this situation if not for me, if not for the fact that we crossed paths and intertwined instead of me watching her from the sidelines.
The kind, popular girl I admire suddenly always being by the side of someone like me. The talentless, plain, lowly me beside such a brightly shining girl. Somehow, instead of what I expected, it kicked my popularity up a notch and my days at school got more lively. I don't know why it wasn't fulfilling. I don't know why I yearned for things to be the same as it was before, as it always was. Solitary, lonely, staring at a girl who I thought would never stare back?
I only noticed the gaze on me as I felt the brush of a finger on the corner of my mouth.
How ironic.
Once again, looking back at my girlfriend, I felt my cheeks heat up as she licked the finger she wiped whipped cream off my face with. My thoughts were cleared. Strangely, noticing she had been staring while I was lost in my head gave me a sense of deja vu. Though, moreso, the gesture reminded me of a scene from a manga.
“Hey, wha?!”
She giggled. “I’m glad you're savoring it ♪”
A blush on my face, I grumbled and yet linked arms with her. Her eyes lit up — they should stay just like that. As we strolled around the area, we eventually stopped to sit near a fountain. I feel some light sprinkling from it, and it's cold. I hope the water later will be warmer. My girlfriend catches my attention.
“So, where d'you wanna go next?”
I shrugged. “I dunno…” Looking around the area, my eyes stop at the spinning ferris wheel.
“Ferris wheel, maybe?”
“Sure!”
And, just as quickly as we sat down, we stood up and began walking again. I kinda wanted to rest for a bit longer. But anyways, I should be done with my crepe cone by the time we arrive there.
I wonder why I can't feel all that much remorse. The well-loved girl with remarkable behavior, outed for dating another girl, her near perfect reputation thrown to ruin. Vile words written down on desks, aching and yet dull pain from having your head slammed into concrete, your belongings being ruined, surely it'd drive anyone into madness.
And yet, when you looked at me, you were smiling.
You're the same as you always were. I could tell that you weren't doing as well, obviously, but that unbreakable atmosphere of yours and your ability to do things so perfectly still didn't falter.
Nothing changed. Nothing has changed. Even if you showed pain, fear, cried out, and hyperventilated… With me, you were ‘normal.’ Still bubbly, cheerful and peppy. And look, we're on a date. Speaking of which, it only just occurred to me that I never bothered to comfort you about any of the bullying you faced. I saw it at least twice, but I couldn't process that unfamiliar, stranger-like side of you as ‘you.’
You weren't the only victim of it. I had received the same cruel treatment as you during school, and yet, you were there, defending me, taking hits for me and comforting me. I almost feel guilty for not reciprocating that. But you never got angry at me for it, weren't sad, ever felt unloved, and always cheered up around me.
I just can’t understand why.
Ah — we've reached the ferris wheel, and the line doesn't look too long. The last bite of my crepe cone was bland. I throw away the wrapping, barely missing the trash can.
The wait went by without me noticing, and only a few unimportant, passing thoughts had crossed my mind. Following my girlfriend, I climbed into the cabin and sat down.
Closed doors, sitting down, face-to-face.
We're at eye level. ‘I think we are one and the same,’ you said something like that before, right? I had said I agreed with you, but I couldn't feel that connection. But I think, when we're like this, I feel the most similar to you. But I don't think it's okay for someone as lowly as me to compare myself to someone like you.
Even now, you are smiling at me.
I don't get it. I wasn't able to understand a word you were saying when you approached me with that nervous and yet bright smile, wanting to go out with me. Don't taint yourself. Leave things as they are. And yet, I wasn't able to stop myself from saying yes, to letting loose. As if I was just an author's character, forcing me to say that.
“I like ferris wheels.” She catches me off guard. I had been ‘staring’ at her this whole time, but not really looking at her, if only through a blurry lens. I feel numb, and yet vaguely like I'm gonna throw up. “Me too.”
Right, I went on them all the time as a kid, and I'm too scared of the other rides now. I like being in the sky, and slowly coming back down, without even moving myself.
Blank.
She's saying more, I think she is. It's all white noise — I can't tell if it matters. If she's saying it with her regular smile, it probably does, but somehow I can't bring myself to care. I almost feel guilty. I wonder if she'll think I'm ignoring her and get angry? No, she never does. She stays one and the same, a peppy yet gentle and patient girl, and I like it that way. I like that perception of her.
The ferris wheel has been moving for a bit now, our cart is almost to the top. Being almost there, but not actually at the peak of the ride, has always been my favorite part. I don't know why, I don't care to know why. I can't think. I can't think.
We're at the top. I blink, and look at my girlfriend, just a foot away from me. A worried expression on her face, not upset at all. Even in this ferris wheel cabin, I can tell that the sun is already setting. Considering what we'll do in no time, it's not like there's a point in really explaining myself or telling her anything right now. But I don't want to ignore her. And, I want to see her usual smile that brings me ease.
My eyelids were already half shut without my noticing. I manage to blink twice and fix my posture. She's cute after all.
“...What's up?” she asks me, and I shake my head. “It's nothing. Sorry, what were you saying?”
“C'mon, tell me! I’m your girlfriend!”
“It's nooothing!” I giggle, and so does she.
It makes me happy that we can still have this moment of normalcy. Something shifts in my eyes.
Only knowing the ever-smiling, resilient you, you can imagine my surprise when you said something like ‘let's die together.’
The ride's on its second go, then we're off.
Your reasonings, the bullying was getting real extreme. It always was, but even more so. You couldn't protect me as much anymore. Yeah… I had gotten sick of it too, and had grown to dread coming to school. It's not like my parents would make me, or take much notice. But I managed to force myself, in order to see you, and enjoy the walk home I always had and the scenery outside the classroom window I always saw.
But for some reason, you didn't sound honest. It didn't sound like that was really why you wanted us to die. I wonder why, as you were always honest with me, to my knowledge — you'd have been perfect at masking any dishonesty. After all, you have always been that kind of person.
Maybe you wanted me to notice, to ask? But I didn't. Maybe I will. Anyways… I want to talk to her a little more. Small talk is all I'm good at. But nothing comes to mind. My brain feels too fuzzy. Even now, I'm inadequate. I'm so frustrated. The normal thing to do in this situation is to make the most of our time left together, and it's not like I don't want to. But something, something is weighing me down.
In a moment that felt neverending, an overwhelming sense of nausea overcame me — then that moment passed and I'm once again numb, and everything's normal again. The ride stopped.
Alright, we're off.
My girlfriend's the first to stand up, and she reaches out her hand to me. I take it without processing the action. I'm too disoriented for that. Her eyes light up, just how I like them, and she begins walking out of the cart. Really, I feel more akin to a ragdoll than anything, and I had forgotten to stand up. She was more so dragging me than walking with me until I briefly came to my senses to get up already.
I guess it's over, huh? I don’t know how I'm supposed to feel.
It's not like I necessarily ever held any value to my life. It's all just a self-imposed routine of how I've decided things are meant to be for me. It's not really ‘boring,’ per se, but I don't know what other word to use. Maybe that standoffish attitude towards my own existence was why I was able to agree with ending it so carelessly. But even so, I don't know what to make of this.
The only reason I'm in this situation is because, of my own will, I made a choice that doesn't line up with the lifestyle I've imposed upon myself for as long as I can remember. I had always lived life in a way where, to others but not to myself, I am a background character who isn't meant to get involved. I was fine with admiring and gazing at my classmate because I didn't think she'd ever gaze back. Like a background character.
But she did, out of nowhere, she wanted to go out with me. Technically, I had control over this situation just like I had control over my life. I could have easily chosen to say no and chances are we'd never cross paths again. But I did not have control over her feelings for me that came out of nowhere, nor could I control how I myself felt. I don't think I ever consciously realized that until now, but I can vaguely recall feeling immense dread, and yet that feeling went away just as quickly as my nausea from earlier.
Still, though, I said yes. I returned her feelings and acted on them. We started going out, and just like a domino effect, we're now about to commit suicide together. I’m indifferent enough towards my life to agree to dying as if we were deciding what to eat for dinner, but not so indifferent I can stay that way when I'm almost face to face with it. Does this make me cowardly? I'm not sure. I'm tired. In any case, a life as meaningless and blank as mine has no worth, so I have to suck it up.
I look up. I don't know how long we've been walking. Frankly, I wasn't even properly aware I was walking. All my life, I've had the feeling of being on autopilot, but I can't recall it ever being to this degree. But my girlfriend holds my hand a little tighter, and I don't know how I'm meant to feel about that foreign feeling.
We’re not at the amusement park anymore. Only now I recall her asking me what method we should go for, and off the cuff, I had suggested drowning. I mean… at least it's not too unpleasant, from what I've heard. But my everyday numbness is, once again, being overridden with something unbearable as I stare beyond the bay’s railing.
My girlfriend does a ‘come here’ gesture before walking closer to the rails. She gives a bright smile and spins around in front of them. The feeling gets worse, and once I swear I'm about to vomit, everything I felt passes as she proceeds to simply lean against the bars and slide down. I blink, and replicate her. She isn't looking at me. All alone, faced with imminent death, my mind drifts to my own mortality. I feel strangely aware of myself, and I can't say I like it.
I hear a click, and look to my side. Immediately, I cough at the smell of smoke. She’s gazing at the sky, cigarette in the hand that was formerly holding mine.
…?
I’m faced with a side of Soeru I've never seen, just like when I witnessed water get dumped over her head as her arms were restrained by our classmates. Her expression of fear that I've never seen from her, that I didn't want to see, that I couldn't even process as the bright, shining, resilient Soeru has never left my head. I would say the same might happen with the current Soeru before my eyes, if not for the fact that I'll be dead much sooner than later.
This is also a side of her that I can't process as her. Or maybe it's that I don't want to see it as her. I don't know. But my perception of her is not the type of girl who would smoke. Though, seriously, where'd she even get that? We're middle schoolers. Does most other people's perception of what normal is include hiding things like the fact you smoke from your partner?
Well, not like there's any use dwelling on it now. Though… At the very end, I wanted to only see the Soeru that I know and can recognize. I only wanted to see Soeru.
I'm aware of my staring, unlike other times I've been caught doing it. And it feels wrong, uncomfortable. So uncomfortable. I feel filthy. I didn't think much of my constant being on autopilot, but now, I strangely want to go back to that. Though, not really… sort of? I want to go back to how I always am. I'm scared. I almost want to climb that railing and jump into the freezing waters now.
But I don't. I think she realizes my turmoil, as she puts out her cigarette and lays her hand on my shoulder. I look up at her, slightly wide-eyed, as she begins to speak.
“What's up, Aomi?”
“Mmh…”
When it comes to my inner self, you only know just over a bit beyond surface level. But I think that also means you know more about my feelings than anyone else, Soeru.
I had expressed some of my feelings about the bullying I was facing, but no more than I was consciously sure I needed to. Sharing my feelings to others specifically goes out of how I've decided I should live, how I want to live. If I'm going to have a romance, which I didn't think I'd ever want or have in the first place, I want it to be as children's movie-like as possible. The tropes in those are the best comparison.
This is, clearly, a total derailment of that. Oh well.
But at the end of our lives… I've already seen you being subjected to cruel treatment I did nothing about. And now, I just watched you smoke. And I hate it, I hate it. I want that brightly smiling girl that I'm familiar with back, now. I don't think someone like me deserves to make such demands. But seeing you in a way that's not the one I know makes me want to throw up.
I was already hesitating earlier. Despite how much of a lowlife I am, despite the fact that there's no meaning to my repetitive everyday where all I know is numbness, I'm hesitating to erase it all. Overwhelming myself some more should shake that away, and we'll be able to head off. But I don't want to, I just don't.
Only a moment has passed. I scramble to make something up.
“I wonder if the bullying would've ever stopped.”
I expected her to smile sadly, and to make some remark that sounds just like her. Instead, she gazes at me with an unfamiliar expression that makes me want to claw at myself. It's filthy.
“Do you think that's why we're doing this?”
I blink. I mean, just earlier at the ferris wheel, I was thinking about how off her voice had sounded when she had said that.
“...Isn't it?”
She leans back again, staring at the sky, and her expression is more familiar. My nausea begins to settle, if only slightly.
“I wonder what would've happened if I ever told you, Aomi.”
“Huuh? About what?” Man, I have a headache. It's like my words aren't mine.
She giggles, and it's different from her usual one. I don't like that. I don't know what she's talking about either, but I guess that's the point. Scooting closer, she turns towards me. A smile that doesn't reach her eyes, eyes that I can't find the same spark as usual in, a face that's off-putting.
“First of all— C’mon, c'mon, spill. What do you think of me?”
My mind blanks.
If not for the fact that it might give me away, I would've pursed my lips. I want to look away. I don't want to answer. I want to be in the school hallways again, looking down and glancing up to see if you've come running at me yet with that cheerful expression of yours.
“I'm- you're my girlfriend! My adorable, bubbly girlfriend who I really, reaaally love.”
In any other situation, saying my feelings so blatantly would've been embarrassing.
“Hehe… Go on.” Seriously?
“And- um…” My cheeks are heating up again. It allows even this to somehow feel like a feeling of normalcy, the way my external self has always been. “You're really fun, and cute, and admirable.”
“Is that it?”
“I mean…” Yeah. That's how I've seen you, always, and how I want to keep seeing you. “It- it goes further!” This is embarrassing. “But you're embarrassing me, Soeru…”
She giggles, and it's more like her usual.
“I know ♪ ”
“Mmmf…”
She continues to stare at me, with a smile that almost unsettles me. I don't know why. It's not like she's acting much different from how I know she is. But something feels off, and it's overwhelmingly nauseating. Give me the regular Soeru back. I almost start to regret my decision of agreeing to end our lives, but thinking about it for more than five seconds quickly makes me backtrack.
It'll be fine. I always thought that maybe, just a little, I'd want the last moments of my life to have some kind of meaning. This isn't what I meant, but at least I got my wish, in some way. Deliberately, I allow myself to get lost in thought again, because no longer being numb is unbearable right now. But my thoughts are cut off.
“That's one of the reasons I like you. You're so easy to mess with.”
I pause, and slowly turn my head to look at her.
“...Huuuhhh?”
She laughs. Looking away, she seems to contemplate something for a short moment, before directing her gaze back to me. “Do you like honesty?”
Do I? What do I like, anyway? I know a few things, like posters, television shows, and napping. Writing's fun, but I'm no good at it. I'm no good at anything. And apparently, I'm not even good at liking things. Nothing else is coming to mind. For how self-centered I am, I never really thought about things like that.
…I want her to be honest with me. That thought crosses my mind sooner than I can be aware of it. But why? I was just lamenting about how I want Soeru to go back to normal, to how I perceive her. And somewhere in the back of my head, something I refuse to admit, I know that includes her being dishonest. But as soon as that thought even vaguely enters my mind, my stomach grows uneasy again.
But, against my own will, “Mhm.”
After I blurt that out, Soeru scooted further against the gate, and I curled in on myself.
She's not looking at me. Good. I don't want anyone to look at me. Nobody should look at me. My entire life, I've accustomed myself to that, and therefore nothing else feels right. I don't understand why anyone would want to look at someone as unsightly as myself. I'm not looking at her either, I don't want to. I feel sick. I feel sick. Whatever she's referring to, I don't want to know, but there's something in me that does. Why are they here?
I feel like I'm playing tug of war with myself. And I can't just end the game, and I feel as if something awful will happen if I just let the other side win. I don't like it. I don't like it! I want to be in control again. Why can't I control what goes on in my own head? I thought I've always been able to. Just like I've always been able to control my whole life. I hate myself for breaking the rules I set for myself that allowed me to stay in control. I hate myself for being so stupid.
I'm stupid. This is stupid. Why am I getting so worked up? I'm about to die anyways, I should be looking back on this perfect life of mine that I handcrafted and feeling peace. I lived a good life. I'm sure I did. In what little preteen and teen years I had, anyway; I feel a little sick if I try to remember anything from before that, so I've never really tried. I won't try.
As the nausea in my stomach starts to clear up, a voice makes it come rushing back.
“Well… Aomi, you're really cute! I like the vacant expression you always have when you're by yourself. That's how I knew you were the one.”
“...What?”
Soeru giggles, and it's in the way she always does, but it feels forced. I don't like that. I don't like knowing she had been looking at me enough when I'm alone to know what kind of expression I ‘always’ made. Reluctantly, I look up at her, and her expression makes me almost gag.
She described the face I usually have as ‘vacant.’ And that's just about the only word I can use to describe her current one. She still isn't looking at me, and it's like she isn't looking at anything else, either. I can hear my own heartbeat, but it isn't pounding in the way it does when Soeru locks arms with me or kisses me on the cheek. It's in a way that can only accompany this awful feeling that makes me want to vomit.
I don't like this. I don't like this!! Give me back the perfect girl I know. Give me back the Soeru that would never make a face like this. I hate it. I can't bring myself to hate whoever this is, but I wish she would just disappear! This isn't Soeru. It's not. It can't be. Shouldn't be. Help me.
Her eyes, usually so full of life, look like those of a corpse. Her expression is so disgustingly blank. We're gonna die soon, but she's very much still alive right now. Her mouth opens again, and I who loves her gentle and bright voice almost cover my ears.
“I really love you. I loved watching you, I loved observing you, and I loved having you as my salvation.” What is she going on about? Be quiet. You're not Soeru. Soeru likes looking at me, I know, but surely she wouldn't go as far to stalk me. “Aomi, you're what I want to be!” Me? Soeru loves her popularity. Soeru is so bright and it's definitely natural.
“You're really smart, and passive.” I know. I know. My routine involves, or involved, studying for an hour and a half per day. Double that for important exams. Saturdays are my rest days. I try to be a little smart. I wanted to secure a future. It was my decision, it's what I was working for, I chose it, I was in control, I decide what happens in my life and how things go.
“You seem to work hard, of your own will. Just because you want to.” Of course. It's my life, it's mine, it's what belongs to me, so I'm in control of it. It's all that belongs to me. Everything I do is because I want to. I never told you about that, or my perfectly crafted schedule, so why do you know that?
“I envy it. I'm lazy at heart,” No you're not. You're hardworking too. And it's natural. “but I had to study really hard and do a lot of things or my parents would be mad and disappointed. And I couldn't let that happen, yknow?” No! I've seen your parents, and they're fine. You have a good relationship with them. They seem to really love you. And they look at you right in the eyes. But I'm not jealous, because I've already decided that things like that are better not being in my life anymore.
“And you're so natural!” You are too. Don't speak. “I really like that about you. I think I let loose more around you,” You're always letting loose. “but I really don't know what it feels like to be genuine anymore.” You're always genuine! “You have everything I want. You're what I want to be. I think I'm just like you deep down, but it has to stay down even if I don't want it to. But I don't resent you for it! I love you! I admire you!” I'm going to vomit.
“That's why I was always… always looking at you. Did you notice? Even before we ever even talked. I followed you around when I wasn't with a group or busy. You sit in rows in front of me in most classes, so it was easy for me to gaze at you. It made me forget some things and be a little less smart, but the punishments were worth it. ‘Cause you're-”
“Shut up!!!”
I cut her off. Her mouth shuts. I'm sitting, curled up on myself, with my hands to either side of my head, hyperventilating. I have control over how I’m sitting. I briefly clench my fists to remind myself. I don’t have control of how I'm breathing nor my eyes that are watering. I can't take this. I can't take this. Stop it. Please.
My mind recalls when I first actually met Soeru. When the cute, brightly shining girl I always looked at abruptly asked me out. Why'd I say yes? Why did I deviate? Why did I deviate? Why did I deviate? Why did I deviate? Why did I deviate? It's supposed to be the same. I was supposed to live the same life I always had. The one I perfectly crafted. I had control on whether to accept her confession or not. I said yes. I deviated. Why?
I didn't have control over her feelings for me. I didn't have control over what the outcome would've been if I said either response. If I don't have control over everything, I might as well have control over nothing. I want to throw up. I want to die. That's what we're here for. I want to do it now. I take back my words, this isn't the meaning I wanted the end of my life to have. We should've had an emotional, heartfelt conversation where Soeru acts like how she always does and then we drown together peacefully.
Why? I've tried so hard to stay away from others. Can I even call it trying hard? I'm not good enough for that. But, the entire time I thought I was all alone, of my own will, someone was looking at me. And I didn't even notice. Why would anyone want to look at me? I'm gross. How long was she looking at me? How long did I not have control? God, I'm dirty, I'm dirty, I'm dirty.
My heart is pounding so hard I feel as if it'll burst. It's uncomfortable. It’s dirty. I'm supposed to have control over my feelings. I'm not supposed to have feelings that are this intense. And I can feel the gaze of the girl who caused all of this right beside me. Maybe this is one of the first times I've noticed her gaze. Because I sure as hell didn't all the other times. Please kill me. I'm sure her expression is one of disgust. Please kill me. I don't like being looked at like that, but it's appropriate. Please kill me.
A chill goes down my whole body, vaguely calming me down. But the air that shouldn't be this cold was biting at my skin and my hands just kept trembling. I don't have control over that. With a miserable expression, I look to the girl beside me.
…Worry. Of course it's worry. She looks taken aback, but there's concern for me in her gaze. It's a little more familiar. My hands still tremble, but the feeling that her face is more like usual helps me calm down. My head feels too tight. Gross.
I just told my girlfriend to shut up. Yelled at her, even. I've never put too much thought into my moral code, but whatever it is, that goes against it. It’s awful. I’m awful. She's looking at me like she always does. It's Soeru. The one I like.
“...I'm- I'm sorry.” I take a shaky breath.
“It's okay. What's wrong?”
I really don't want to answer that… In fact, I'm not even sure if I can. My head’s already starting to cloud up. I can't think. I can't really remember any other time I got so neurotic, my mind always goes blank as soon as the messiness is over. I'm surprised I didn't throw up this time.
But considering my behavior, it's not like I can just bullshit my way out of this. But I really don't want my Soeru to start acting so awful again… Maybe I don't have enough faith in her. She's so radiant and perfect, I'm sure that behavior five minutes ago was just a mishap. Maybe it wasn't even real! It doesn't feel like it was real.
I slowly begin to speak. “I'm not… sure. It's gone now. I'm really sorry for yelling!”
“Hey, I already told you it's okay!” Her expression is one I've seen many times, and if it weren't situationally inappropriate, I'd smile at it. Really, there was nothing to be scared of! Of course it was just a one time thing. I'm so stupid. Thank you, Soeru. Thank you for being so perfect and sweet. I love you. I'm so happy I get to end my life with someone so lovely.
I get to hear her gentle voice again.
“I'm sorry too, stalking’s a big deal, isn't it?”
My stomach heaves. She's not supposed to say that.
It's okay, it's okay. I have to stay calm. Soeru isn't big on teasing, but she likes to joke around sometimes. This is one of those times. Maybe she has dark humor or something. She invited me to a double suicide, so I wouldn't put it past her. It makes sense. I feel a little sick. I don’t feel like myself. I push out a laugh that's entirely genuine.
“Hehe… I love you, Soeru. You're so funny.”
I look at her with a smile that falters as I see her confused expression. She looks hurt, why does she look hurt? I liked her joke, after all!
“I love you too! ♪ But, whaddya mean it's funny? Do you actually like knowing what I told you?”
“Huh? Huh?”
“Silly… I was serious! Y'know…” Soeru reaches into her cute bag. I glance at the keychains hanging from it, the ones gifted to her by her meaningless friends. They're cute. Cute. Cute. Soeru is cute, really cute. She'll die cute. I allow myself to become entranced by it — or rather, the thoughts brought on by it — but the pure girl shoves the bag aside, and my eyes snap to her. My gaze shifts to a notebook she pulled out of the bag. From the angle she's holding it at, I can't see any of the pages, and something tells me I should be very grateful for that.
“I wanted to have a normal romance. With you.” She pulls her knees up to her chest, staring longingly at whatever she put in that book. Honestly, that would've been nice, but we're both girls. Personal issues aside, is a regular romance even possible for us? In normal ones, people don't get books slammed over their head just for being in love unless they have some kinda crazy family. She turns a page.
“I don't care about how we're two girls or anything like that. We could persevere, and have a cute and novel worthy romance at the end of it all.” Oooohhh… writing about our romance… Well, too late to think of any of that. I should keep numbing my brain.
“While I protected you, I always imagined myself as a heroine in a manga, protecting her lover so they can get married!” Being a heroine’s lover… that's just too much… Well, the murky stuff in my brain is clearing. I like this. I can finally say something back.
“That's so cute…” I mumble, offering a small smile as I listen. She looks at me to return the smile, and I ‘allow’ myself to forget about whatever else just happened. She soon looks back at her sketchbook.
“Mhm! But I feel like… I already killed the possibility of that kinda ending before we got together.” Huh? “‘Cause, well, of course manga heroines aren't real. They're fake people created by real people, but it's bad to boil them down like that. It's because they're made by real people, specifically with love and passion, that other real people can be truly touched and affected by them in a way that's real. If a manga heroine climbed out of the book as she is, she'd be the same as a real girl with real feelings and emotions.”
She stares upwards, rubbing her knee. A knot is starting to twist in my stomach. “But what if a real person wanted to create a real person who's the heroine? No matter what, a fictional heroine won't gain warmth and escape the book she's written into. So if a real person wanted a real life heroine, I'm sure that girl would be a fake person in a way that's completely different from how manga heroines are ‘fake people.’ It's disingenuous to just call fictional heroines fake people, because they're not empty. They're full of emotion and real feelings, even if those real feelings can't be said to belong to the heroine.”
...She forgave me, but I think my outburst disoriented her a little.
“Soeeeruuu… What're you…” I cut myself off as she lets out a humorless laugh. “You can't force real emotions. Not from yourself, and definitely not from other people. So if you try and mold someone into your own ideal heroine, they can appear to fit that mold, but it'll be fake, because humans aren't blank canvases. You can paint over a full canvas, but what's underneath will always be underneath. So, even though I successfully appeared to fulfill my heroine role, it's not like I had any of the true feelings that make a heroine. But I'm still human, so even if they weren't the pure feelings of a heroine, of course I had feelings.”
Soeru let out a long exhale. She just sounded really, really tired. While I try, I feel too conflicted to think about it much. She turns to a page and turns it to me. On it are many polaroid pictures of me taken from a distance, printed and glued to Soeru's sketchbook.
“Aomi is… Aomi puts a lot of work into things. She does all her homework on time, never misses a day of school, can socialize naturally when someone else initiates, blends easily into the background, stays away from others but she's not unfriendly, and… I eventually came to recognize that you're just doing all this for yourself, all on your own. You're not a heroine, but you're what you want to be. You want to be support, maybe.”
She stares at the top of my head. “I said to you once. That we're one and the same. I said that because I was thinking that a lot of your natural traits are traits I also hold inside, but can't show. But, even though we're similar in that aspect, we're not one and the same, because you fight for control of your life, take full care of yourself, and you go along with people's whims, but it's because you want to. Essentially, you're both the author and the character. It's admirable, to be able to take such control of yourself…”
I gulp. My hands are beginning to tremble, and I grab onto one with the other to stop it. This isn't her. This isn't her. Forget, forget, forget.
“So… why did you…”
“Interrupt your story? ‘Cause I'm selfish.”
I finally meet her eyes. I hate how uneven my breathing is… I hate the involuntarily whimper that escaped me when she looked downwards even more.
“I guess it was fascination… I loved how independent you were and how you've definitely gone through so, so much that you had no control over,” I clench my fists. Be quiet. “but you take a hold of yourself. It's probably, definitely also not good to not accept things outside of your control, but as someone who has had no choice to accept that I have no control, I was fascinated with you.” She sets down the notebook, and rests her face in her hands.
“And I think I loved you. I do love you. That's why I couldn't stop observing you. And, since I'm selfish, I wanted to see if even a false heroine like me, artificial with no control on anything, no effect outside of what other people decide, could interfere with something like that too. And because I didn't know how to go about it normally, as in like a new character introduced in the latest issue, I ended up doing something totally un-heroine like. I stalked you. I ruined the purity from the get go.”
She makes eye contact with me once more. “I'm sorry, Aomi.”
………………….
I can't lie to myself anymore, can I? This is Soeru. I have no control over who Soeru is. She didn't have any control over who she was made to be, either. Everything she appears to be is artificial, but as she's still human, she holds non-artificial emotions. So, from what I've heard… The true Soeru is likely just someone lost, selfish, empty and tired, using fantasies of truly being what everyone's decided she is — a pure and strong heroine — to cope with her awful, awful situation.
Soeru had no control, so she just… accepted it. But she liked me, truly, but she was also fascinated with me because we're so similar yet so different. I've never been able to imagine being her, but until now, it was because I couldn't imagine being so… perfect. I couldn't imagine being the center of attention, having everyone love you. And I couldn't imagine being so selfless as to literally take hits for someone. I've always given to just never getting involved and blending into the background, so nothing can affect me and I'll always have control of my life. But now it's… it's…
Before I can process the motion, I lunge at her. Agonizingly, I scream, I grab her violently, I cry. I hit her, over and over, and never once does she show any resistance. Like a pathetic girl who lets things affect her, for the first time in forever, I lash out and let myself feel what I feel. I wail, sob, and tell her all kinds of mean things that I'm not even fully sure are mean because I'm acting off of instinct and not actually taking note of a single thing I say. Really… really… why, how, when…
I continued behaving like a rabid animal who was purposefully aggravated for another five minutes. I'm not very strong, so by the end of it all, Soeru's still breathing, and only a little disheveled. My own breath comes in heavy gasps, as I sob and eventually slump onto her. She moves her hand to my back.
Once I've calmed down, without a word, she gently holds onto my shoulders and has me sit properly. I look away from her. She grabs my chin, brushes over my lips with her thumb, and tilts her head. I give a single nod, and her lips meet mine. While I'm sitting there limp like a ragdoll, she keeps me upright with her arm across my back and her other hand loosely tangled in my hair. I don't have the energy to reciprocate. I don't have energy for anything at all. I'm so, so…
Once I finally meet her gaze once more, I gasp as my arm is roughly grabbed, I'm shoved over the fence, and my outfit is soaked completely. Cold, cold, cold, cold! But it doesn't last long as I'm quickly warmed, as much as I could be in this water, by a familiar embrace. She's soft, but I'm scared, I'm scared!
In my overwhelming misery, I had almost forgotten the entire purpose of today. Despite everything, my natural survival instincts kick in, and I desperately thrash my legs and almost try to push Soeru away. But her arms tighten around me, and unfortunately, I can't exactly cry if I'm already submerged in water. I'm scared! What about my mama? My little sister? What if I can pull us up, talk to Soeru, and have a scene like a reconciliation between hero and heroine?
Like someone like me could ever pull that off. Ugh… I don't want to waste any more time… I can't hold my breath anymore.
I let loose, and as water fills my lungs, the burning almost feels too much to bear. But I think it’s nothing compared to this overwhelming guilt. I look up towards the sunset. It really looks even more beautiful from under the water. Sparkly, sparkly… I squeeze my eyes shut. For a second, I almost scream for help, and a deep feeling of shame sets in my stomach.
I'm selfish, too. I know that I never felt any love for Soeru. Or, perhaps I did, but rather than loving Soeru herself, I loved my ideal image of her. Everyone's ideal version of her, the artificial girl. I think, deep in the back of my mind, I've always known that. It's just not something I wanted to acknowledge, because to acknowledge that I only loved Soeru's facade was to acknowledge that my perception of her wasn't the true her.
Perhaps, if we were given time, the sweet romance she wished for could've come true. Maybe I could've come to love the girl behind her facade and help her search for her true self… but… considering it's her own family causing this, and me and her, we're really just kids, would something like that even be possible? Were we simply doomed from the start? Would it even be possible right now for someone like me to truly accept her? I could've at least tried. My selfishness got us into this situation as much as hers did. Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
I open my eyes to look at her face. She really is beautiful. She's in pain, I can tell. I wish I could ease it. But I know I can't. If I tried at all, we wouldn't be in this situation.
I can only make one wish—
In our next lives, please let me be the one to protect and truly love Soeru. Please let me accept everything about her unconditionally. Please let us be manga heroines who overcome their pain together and have a happy ending. To my dear Soeru, the only one who loved me without doubt; if we can be reborn, I promise to grant you this. I'll protect you from bullies instead. I find her hand, and embrace it.
For a second, I almost feel someone's eyes on me, but before I can search for the source, darkness swallows me whole.