Chapter Text
A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens, that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday. Although it was 13 years ago he was given life, it is only today that he will receive a name.
Your name is John Egbert, and for the longest time, you’ve felt alone. Your dad tries to mirror your interests, but what does a travelling performer like him know!? He thinks you’re all about clowns and you’re not! Clowns are hideous abominations that deserve to be wiped out, you think. But aside from the clown thoughts, right now you have a problem. Your game is 3 days late! It took so long to arrive that it ended up coming in on your birthday, which is quite tragic, you think. Playing video games and nothing else for your 13th birthday, this is supposed to be a huge milestone! You kick your magic chest and stare out the window woefully, taking note of the sunrise, much brighter than you’re used to. The trees are growing their leaves again, and it’s really quite beautiful, though a part of you wants to taste those leaves. You ignore that part.
As you’re staring out the window like you have nothing better to do, you accidentally captchalogue your window. Normally you’d think about how this has been happening a lot lately, but you don’t have time to think about that, because you’re currently on a freefall out your window. A noise pings from your flip phone as you’re falling. Must be one of your friends, here to check on your status of Sburb-tainment. If you survive, you’ll be sure to inform them what has happened.
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
TG: yo dude
TG: did the beta come yet?
TG: plz say yes
TG: rose is mackin on me hard, its making me feel embarrassed for her
TG: not that i blame her
TG: i’m a real desirable guy after all
TG: john what the hell man
TG: dont leave a bro on read, thats not cool
TG: eh, i dont really care
TG: just get your game so you can play with rose
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
You wake up to your dad stitching up the cuts on your arm. It’s a miracle the fall didn’t do much more damage, landing entirely on your left arm did leave it hurting more than you’d like though. Trying to move said arm results in a stern look from a fatherly figure and a lot of pain.
JOHN: h-hey dad.
You wave weakly with the arm he isn’t working on, realising the foolishness you had committed prior. He nods back at you, absorbed in his work.
JOHN: i swear the window came out on its own
JOHN: it was just there one second and gone the next!
JOHN: i think i still have it actually…
You go through your sylladex, revealing that you do in fact still have your window in its entirety. As well as a singular fake arm and a poster you haven’t unraveled yet.
JOHN: no harm no foul, right?
In response to this statement, your father points at the numerous scrapes on your body, before finishing up with the last of the stitches. The stitches are a lot thicker than the ones you’ve seen him get in the past, but you suppose that makes sense.
JOHN: okay, so some harm, but no foul?
Your father nods in response to this, before handing you an envelope and a box addressed to you personally, this must be presents from your friends… Your friends! You haven’t spoken to them since you woke up! You quickly give your dad an awkward hug, before captchaloguing the items and rushing upstairs, almost tripping numerous times. Checking out your PC, you see messages from everyone in your chumroll, oh no.
tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
TT: Hello John. I was told that you weren’t responding to anyone, and against my better judgement, thought it might be wise to check up on you.
TT: I am sure you are fine, more than positive in fact, but still think it’s better to be safe rather than sorry in these situations.
TT: Regardless, you do seem to be gone right now. Respond whenever you have the luxury to do so, though perhaps speed things up a slight bit, we have things to do today.
tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
She’s offline, and probably thinks you’re ignoring her. Dave is offline too, and he hasn’t said anything since earlier, dammit! You check Jade and, thankfully, there’s some messages from her.
gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
GG: hi happy birthday john!!!!! <3
GG: helloooooo??
GG: ok i will talk to you later!!! :D
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
This… is par for the course with Jade, which absolves your worries that she would think you’re ignoring her. As you fiddle around you notice Dave come back online, but there’s a bigger fish to fry right now!
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
GC: H3LLO JOHN
GC: HOW DO3S TH3 CONCR3T3 T4ST3?
GC: IT T4ST3S L1K3 DUST TO M3.
GC: W1TH SP3CS OF L1GHT BLU3 R4SPB3RRY
GC: WHY 1S YOUR LUSUS PUTT1NG THR34D 1N YOUR SK1N?
GC: 1S TH1S SOM3 4RCH41C 34RTH TORTUR3?
GC: OH GR34T, H3 W4NTS ME 4G41N, T4LK TO YOU L4T3R 3GB3RT
gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
Wow, even Terezi is talking to you, that’s unusual to say the least. Normally when you pester her she pretends to not know who you are, it’s kind of annoying! Not to mention her uncanny way of always knowing what you’re up to, it freaks you out sometimes! Putting aside all Terezi related thoughts for now, you check up on Dave, still online, great!
ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
EB: hi dave!
EB: sorry about earlier, i fell out of my window!
EB: i’m fine though, so don’t worry!
TG: dude even rose and jade were looking for you
TG: what the hell is today
TG: some kind of egbertian holiday or some shit?
TG: and how the hell did you fall out of your window
EB: i captchalogued it!
TG: right
TG: with your stack modus
TG: dumb fucking modus by the way
TG: my bro set me up with hashmap
TG: you should figure some kind of upgrade out too
TG: its majorly embarrassing to accidentally captchalogue a whole goddamn window dude
EB: yeah yeah i know.
EB: maybe i’ll ask my dad to buy me a wallet like his.
TG: wallet modus is for rookies
TG: or little bitches
TG: are you a little rookie?
EB: i’m not a rookie!
EB: i just think that a modus that doesn’t hate me would be nice.
TG: as long as you got a sick strife specibus, were all good here
EB: strife specibus?
TG: you know, allocate a weapon to use, frees up inventory space and shit
You look around. You don’t have many weapons in your room, on account of you not ever being under attack! But you do have a spare hammer from hanging up some posters yesterday, so you guess you can use that.
EB: done!
TG: alright, what sick weapon did you allocate
EB: well, all i had lying around was a hammer, so i just used that…
TG: you cannot be serious
TG: egbert, this is just sad.
TG: you’re stuck with hammers for the rest of your life
TG: that’s fucked up
EB: well, i actually love hammers!
You proceed to take practice swings with your hammer, and accidentally slam it directly into your desk, sending a jolt of pain through your arm.
EB: hehe, oops.
TG: what the hell do you mean oops
EB: nothing, nothing, i gotta go!
TG: oh, alright man
TG: go talk to rose already, shes been itching to play that game with you
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
Phew! One down one to go! Jade didn’t seem to be in a rush to talk to you, and honestly, you’re kind of itching to play this game too. As you’re about to contact Rose, you notice she’s offline. She must be distracted, damn! Well, you’ve been meaning to try this game out anyways, now’s as good a time as any!
You insert the game into your disk drive, and immediately an install prompt comes up. You accept, of course, but it looks like it’ll take a while! With how today is going, it’s gonna be quite the long day! It plays a pretty weird looking video, in your opinion, lots of spirals and the like, but eventually it’s done, and it sends to you… a command prompt? That’s lame!
ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]
EB: hi rose, i got the beta!
EB: sorry about not messaging you earlier, i got distracted…
TT: no worries John. Though if by distracted, you mean fell out a window, then I am well aware. Dave filled me in on the finer details of your delay.
EB: yeah. :(
EB: he didn’t have to tell you though!
TT: Regardless, I see your game is looking for a server player. May I do the honors?
EB: by all means.
EB: hehehe.
Rose vanishes for a bit, leaving you to wonder what the game has in store for you. You didn’t realise it would use this kind of server client game type, and honestly you’re a little nervous!
TT: John.
EB: yeah?
TT: Apologies if I’ve misunderstood the situation, but you wouldn’t happen to be the individual sitting at the desk, would you?
EB: what desk?
As if prompted by your question, your chest bumps into your desk a few times, and then hits your injured arm, though this part was clearly a mistake.
TT: Whoops.
TT: I’m still getting the hang of this.
EB: what
EB: what
EB: wait you can
EB: rose
EB: tell me you’re not looking into my room right now
EB: tell me you can’t see me right now
TT: That would be lying John. Though I get the feeling you may have done more than enough for the both of us.
You then proceed to pass out for the second time that day, a new record which would be concerning, if not for your exceptionally resilient biology.
Your name is Rose Lalonde, and you’ve had a very long morning. Your mother is drinking again, though this alone wouldn’t even register to you. However, she has passed out right in front of your door. Which again, wouldn’t even register, were it not for the stark lack of a laptop in your tree modus. You try to push her out of the way, to no avail. It would seem that sitting in front of a computer all day isn’t very conducive to proper muscle growth. You decide to call it quits and get a bite to eat, before checking again to see if she moved.
As you’re pouring the milk into the cereal, you hear a crash from upstairs. You don’t even flinch, it’s likely your now awake mother stumbling to her room to pour herself another glass from what she believes to be a “secret” collection. You place your dishes in the sink, not even doing them the dignity of being put in the dishwasher, before rushing upstairs, and as you predicted, the door is clear. You make your way into the room, lock the door, and sit at your PC, noticing a message from Dave.
turntechGodhead [TG]began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]
TG: yo rose
TG: you getting ready to play that game with egbert?
TT: What do you mean? John hasn’t messaged me once today.
TG: really
TT: Yes really, though it seems you expected that.
TG: no i didnt
TT: Such a quick response, is everything alright Dave? If I didn’t know any better, it almost sounds like John didn’t respond to you earlier and you’re worried about him.
TG: stop it with your psychoanalysis bullshit
TG: i just want him to hurry up and play that game with you so yall will leave me alone
TT: Yes, I’m sure.
TT: Well, I suppose now is as good a time as any to begin pestering John, thank you for informing me of your worries Dave.
TT: Goodbye for now.
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
You then proceed to have this conversation. (authors note, learn the HTML that embeds, I think it’d be really cool!) Believing that John is completely fine, you decide to pester Jade. You haven’t spoken to her in a few days, and something she said recently worried you.
tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
TT: Hello Jade, would you happen to be awake right now?
GG: sorta!
TT: I’ll take that as a yes.
TT: So, when we had our last conversation, you mentioned something I’d like to revisit, if you don’t mind.
TT: You said you don’t like going into your foyer. Why is that?
GG: its just spooky in there!!!
TT: And how exactly is it spooky? Couldn’t you bring a flashlight, or any other form of illumination?
GG: i could but my grandma is still in there!
TT: Your… grandmother?
GG: yep!
TT: Jade, I don’t mean to assume, but does your grandmother… do bad things to you?
GG: oh no!
GG: nothing like that rose!
GG: shes dead is all.
You’re suddenly very very confused.
TT: She’s… dead?
TT: Then how is she scaring you?
GG: i stuffed her, duh!
GG: it’s mainly her teeth that get to me……
TT: Did she perhaps have a pair of comically scary dentures?
GG: nope, she has normal teeth!
GG: theyre just scary to see sometimes….
You’re not sure you’ve ever heard of someone afraid of teeth, though perhaps the teeth being attached to a corpse is what makes them scary. You certainly can’t judge anyways.
TT: Well, I’m sure a phobia of teeth is perfectly natural Jade. Is that the only reason you’re afraid?
GG: pretty much!
TT: I see.
TT: Goodbye for now Jade, and have a good nap.
GG: byeeee!!!!!
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
That was a strange conversation. Whoever knew that Jade was afraid of teeth? It’s no matter to you of course, you weren’t planning on widely grinning to her anytime soon. Though perhaps you should warn John about it, he seems the friendly sort. As you’re about to message John, the wi-fi goes out. This isn’t particularly rare, you do live in one of New York's more rural areas, and with the frequent storms that have been happening as of late, you’re honestly more shocked that this hasn’t happened yet today. You try turning your devices off and on again, just to check that it isn't their fault (of course it isn’t) and check your smart phone. It’s ahead of the curve in almost every regard to the modern flip-phone, but you suppose that’s one of the perks of living with a scientist.
As you’re messing around with the 4G data (top of the line, you’ve been assured), the wifi comes back on, and with it, a message from one John Egbert.
This conversation we’ve already read, ending at
EB: hehehe.
The game loads, presenting you with quite the sight, one that doesn’t feel quite real. You see a room, one expected of a 13 year old boy, but what you don’t expect is what is sitting at the keyboard. It looks alien, light grey skin that looks almost sickly, reflecting light in an almost unnatural way, and covered in teal scratches. horns sticking out in an almost V-like shape, coloured like candy corn and ending in a point so sharp it’s almost worrying. Teeth arranged in a sharklike smile, and with an overbite, almost appearing to be buckteeth.
tentacleTherapist [TT] has begun pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
TT: John.
EB: yeah?
TT: Apologies if I’ve misunderstood the situation, but you wouldn’t happen to be the individual sitting at the desk, would you?
EB: what desk?
In response to this, you slam his chest into the desk a few times, before trying to set it down and accidentally hitting his very clearly injured arm. He winces at this, and you almost feel bad, though you didn’t mean to do it, so you only feel so guilty.
TT: Whoops.
TT: I’m still getting the hang of this.
You do mean this. Just because your friend might be the kind of monster a kid would fear being under their bed doesn’t mean you wish harm upon him. You just wish for an explanation.
EB: what
EB: what
EB: wait you can
EB: rose
EB: tell me you’re not looking into my room right now
You see him looking around panicked now. That answers the question you already knew the answer to, but it doesn’t answer the actual question you have, namely, what is he?
EB: tell me you can’t see me right now
TT: That would be lying John. Though I get the feeling you may have done more than enough for the both of us.
ectoBiologist [EB] has passed out due to stress.
Well, that wasn’t your intention, though he does look kind of quaint sleeping like that. It almost makes you forget the horns sticking out of his head, currently carving scratches into his monitor.
tentacleTherapist [TT] has begun pestering grimAuxilliatrix [GA]
TT: Hello GA.
TT: It has come to my attention that perhaps you may not have been lying about being a troll from another universe.
GA: Oh Really
GA: Why The Change Of Heart
TT: Well.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] sent a file John_Sleep.jpg –
TT: I don’t imagine you look something like this, do you?
GA: What
GA: Who Is This
TT: He’s my friend John Egbert, and as of today, I realise that he may not be as human as I initially assumed.
TT: Or he may just have a rather severe skin condition nobody has heard of.
GA: There Is No Mistaking It
GA: Your Friend Is A Troll
GA: What Is He Doing On Earth
TT: I don’t know, though I would appreciate it if you could look into it and get back to me. If the other things you’ve said are anywhere close to true, I trust you can gather information far more efficiently than I ever could.
GA: Of Course
GA: If For No Other Reason Than To Sate My Own Curiosity
grimAuxilliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]
You have the feeling today is going to be an abnormally long day.
Your name is Dave Strider, and you are not worried about John. Not even a little bit. You’re so not worried that you turned off your computer to scavenge for a bite to eat. You make it two steps out the door before going back into your room and turning your PC back on, before having this conversation we’ve already read, that ended with Rose totally misunderstanding what you were getting at. You just want a bro to get his game on with a girl, is that so wrong? You’re not worried about anything at all and anyone who says otherwise is probably a filthy poser who shouldn’t even be reading this. You decide the best use of time while not waiting for Egbert to come back online is to talk to Jade, she’s never let you down, except for the times she has, but those times were barely anything to worry about!
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
TG: yo jade whats up
TG: nothing much hbu
GG: hehehe
GG: im doing okay!
GG: trying to find bec though……
TG: i dont get why you keep that demon dog around
TG: its gonna fuck something up i just know it
GG: oh stop it dave!
GG: hes a good boy, he would never!!!
TG: if you say so
TG: you say anything to egbert today or nah
TG: apparently its the day of his birth or something
TG: i mean birthdays are kinda a scam when you think about it
TG: like what do you mean i gotta give you shit just because you were born
TG: how the hell does that make any sense
TG: imagine if the president was like
TG: my name is george bush and you should give me presents
TG: like what the hell
GG: whos george?
TG: oh shit i forgot you live on an island
TG: hes like this shitty leader of the country who reads stories to kids
GG: that doesnt sound so bad!
TG: it is trust me
TG: anyways im gonna go make some sick beats and probably fuck up a donut
TG: see ya
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
You do not fuck up a donut, or make sick beats. You try to make the beats, but run into a lack of drive. And as for the donut, bro ate it, which tracks but damn, you thought you hid it well that time. He really got you on that one. You open the fridge and get sliced by a misplaced sword, all good though, you’ve got that antiseptic shit on lock. Bro didn’t teach you a lot but he did tell you how to deal with sword cuts. And knife cuts. And all kinds of cuts, really. Shit stings but what can you do. You head back to your room and notice some messages, probably Rose trying to psychoanalyse you or some shit. You open it and holy shit, John!? You very calmly, because you don’t care, have this conversation.
Sure you embellish a bit, and sure Jade wasn’t actually looking for him, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. You’re fucking around after John leaves when you hear some noises from outside. Looking to check it out, fuck it’s hot out here, how the fuck did people decide to settle down here of all places? As you fuck around some more, you find some very clearly nutritious apple juice, and down that shit like you’ve got nothing to lose. It tastes like shit for some reason, but you’re too cool to care.
Tossing the apple juice bottle aside, you lean out the windowsill, and take in the Houston skyline. It’s a nice city, were it not for the fact that it might be raining fire right now, but you don’t really care. Who cares if the city burns down, maybe then you’ll actually go somewhere nice and cool. Plus, whe- HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. A crow flies in through your window and hits you right in the face, you can feel your blood dripping down your face already, fuck. For some fucking reason it makes a beeline for the sburb copies you totally weren’t going to play with anyone, and starts flying around the room with them. You yell at it to stop, and instead of stopping, your sylladex takes this as a fucking command for some reason and ejects the thing in the card stop would have filled, namely, your sword. It flies out at the bird and impales it, before sending it flying out the window. Nobody can know what just happened. Today might be a pretty long day though, if that bird is any indicator.
Your name is Jade Harley, and you’re currently sleeping! Your friends don’t need to know that though, and neither does your grandma. The moon of Prospit looks wonderful right now, and honestly you can’t wait for the others to see it! All the prospitians are waving at you, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, they’re so nice! You’ve talked with your friends already, though John didn’t respond, which made you kind of sad…. But that’s okay, you know he’s being fixed up right now! Just like you know he’s like you! Your grandma always told you that you were unique and there was nobody like the two of you, and it made you kind of sad, but she was wrong! The clouds right now all show things you’ve seen before, lots of things you’ve seen before, actually! Maybe they’re preparing for John to wake up. Speaking of John, you fly over to his tower to see if you can wake him up this time!
His horns are carving into the bed, oh no! You shuffle his body down a bit, taking care to avoid the fresh paint on the walls. Seems like whoever has been vandalising his room is back at it! They’re so mean to him and for what? Because he looks a little different then them!? It’s disgusting, you think. You cover him back up and fly around Prospit some more, maybe if you look closely you’ll find the perpetrator of this very serious crime! Or at least, you would, if tonight wasn’t such a short one!
Your name is Jade Harley, and you are now abruptly awake! A part of your sudden sleeping spells is sudden waking spells, though you don’t mind it nearly as much. You always wake up safe and sound in your tower after all. Now it’s time for the most puzzling challenge of all, feeding Bec. To feed him, you’ll need to get some meat and irradiate it, and to do that, you need to access your modus. You’re currently using Ouija modus, but right now the spirits aren’t cooperating!!! You decide it’s time for a change, and switch to Operation modus. The difference between this modus and a regular game of operation is it actually shocks you, so you have to be veeeeeeeery careful. You reach in, and slowly, slowly, slowly, slo- AH FUCK! You touch the metal right as you pull it out, resulting in a nasty shock up your arm, but a retrieved refrigerator and cookalizer nevertheless! You take the steak out of the refrigerator before putting it in the cookalizer and irradiating it, ensuring it’s nothing but the best for the goodest of boys.
You consider playing the bass, but decide against it for now, you have all the time in the world to play it later. Right now you need to head downstairs and face your grandma… You don’t want to fight her, but some things just have to happen! You transportalize down from your room and are immediately faced with a room full of scales, not to be confused with scales. You always found her weird obsession with law a bit annoying, especially vigilante’s, but that’s not really important anymore!
Moving into the next room, you’re greeted with all sorts of dragon paraphernalia, paintings and statues and even some more abstract representations of dragons, like some firewood, though you never really understood that one…
Next up, you have the stuffed animal room, this one is your favorite! There’s squiddles and dragon plushies and even a plushie you knitted just for her. (You put that one there hehehe) It’s a nice room, and you’re tempted to lay down in a pile of plushies and nap, but you don’t want to mess them up with your horns, and besides, the next room is way too loud to sleep so close to it!
Lastly, you have the worst room in the entire house, the clock room. Every single clock in here is stupid and you want to break them, but you don’t. But you want to. Over the years they’ve all slightly fallen out of sync, so there’s never a moment of quiet nearby! Not to mention the fact that some of these clocks are just plain weird, one of them even has a smuppet design on it, courtesy of Dave’s bro.
Rushing out of that room, you make it to the last room, a room featuring the biggest thing your grandma ever caught, so big words could never describe it, and in fact, won’t describe it. Saving you from having to comprehend even longer is someone pestering you, even though you were logged out, weird! You check the username, and it’s carcinoGeneticist, you hate that guy! Thinking of the impending conversation with him, and what will happen after, you recall that today is going to be a very long day.