Chapter Text
The only way for love to exist is when it is connected to a memory, so what happens if you lose them? That was a question that Peter Parker had in mind for a long while now, and one chance night will silence that question forever.
“I don't love you.”
Four words, enough to silence the question Peter had been holding onto for the past four years, now reduced and shut down. Her face did not betray any emotion.
Everything that she told Peter was nothing but the truth of how she felt. There was nothing, because she did not remember. She did not know the person Peter wrote that he loved. Peter then understood that maybe the time he spent juggling that question in his mind was all for naught.
He was already too late.
It did not just bug him, it felt as if his world had crumbled right in front of him, and he could do nothing about it. As if he was trapped in a cage, the past tying him to the same place. But as if a hammer, MJ's words smashed right through the walls that trapped him, making quite a mess.
Destructive, but also quite freeing.
MJ spoke more right after but Peter did not have the capacity to understand every bit of it. Heightened senses, for what? For what his love was worth, it did not have any value to her now.
The swing back to her apartment was a quiet ride, quite opposite to how loud his headspace was when he was alone throughout these years. These four years had never been easy. Peter would even argue that time did not feel real. So out of touch, focusing his all to his spidey responsibilities.
Enough to distract, but not enough to make him forget.
As if his world had paused and turned backwards, it was not a good day for Peter Parker. Keeping it all together, under his mask, he made his way to MJ's and Ned's apartment. Understanding the barrier placed between him and MJ, he kept his unspoken feeling and thoughts to himself. She invited him in to see Ned, which Peter knew was a no-brainer yes. Finally, he’ll able to hang with his bestfriend, though, he was not aware.
Only for Peter the atmosphere simultaneously felt familiar yet new. MJ introduced him to Ned, which was needless as under his mask, it is easy to tell right from his outer appearance that he was Spiderman. Ned looked at him with an excitement purely from a die-hard fan of the friendly neighborhood hero, and Peter met him with a gaze that carried of a yearning of reunion, a look of kept adoration.
Sat together again, the three of them, caused for memories to flood in. Within those memories were emotions that was quite literally drawn from the past, a heavy feeling that made Peter smile. He knew that in this room, he was the only one that knew that once they were a trio inseperable.
Building legos together with his best bud, and having the love of his life sitting right accross, with a pad of paper on her hand. The MJ of the present looked similar to the MJ that would sneak glances at him back in middle school, drawing his problem-ridden face onto the smooth paper. Under the mask, Peter broke into a smile. This was probably the last time he allowed himself to let lose.
Time spent with them now is a luxury he knows that could happen again in a million years. It is that rare.
Hearing that the delivery man rang the bell, Ned left the room to get the take out. The room was then left alone with Peter and MJ.
“Hey, I just wanna say that on the rooftop, she kissed me, and I kissed back. I know that I was wrong and I just wanted to let you know.”
“I do not remember, but thank you for telling me.”
Here senses kicked in instantly. Knowing that he was betrayed and lied to, Peter knew that the happy image will come to an end. With a call to black widow and learning the truth behind Jean Grey's relentless pursuit, he found himself climbing outside the window with the goal to undo his misgivings.
“Peter!” MJ called, “Be careful out there.”
Maybe out of concern, or kindness, MJ's words eased the brewing storm in Peter's heart. Under the mask he gave her a curt smile, a little out of thanks and more out of goodbye. “Thanks.”
Using his web shooters, he flung himself quickly off their apartment, the wind strong in his face.
“Spiderman's name is Peter?”
Almost quite forgetting that Ned is there with her, MJ made a slip of tongue. She looked at Ned with a weird expression, looking for the right words to say. “I- yeah? He accidentally told me when he saved me earlier. Remember, he saved me at the subway.”
“What?! That's so awesome. I can't believe I know Spiderman's real name!”
Seeing that Ned seemed to be more distracted by the fact, MJ felt no need to keep her expression hidden. Somewhere inside, she did feel that her words were genuine, like she did care for the superhero more than she let on. The day continued but far beyond than planned, today was supposed to be another day for job-seeking but things just did not turn out the way she wished. And somehow now, there was a heaviness to her thoughts that beared serious weight.
Even though the thirty-ish minutes they spent together was futile, it did enough for MJ to be convinced that they did have a connection. Without the recollection, MJ could only base her assumptions on what she experienced. Distracted from her quiet and easy life, she found herself looking out the window, letting go a heavy sigh.
"Dated, huh?"
The window was left open from Spiderman's departure and the breeze entered with ease. The ambience of New York, the city with endless possibilities, made itself known by the sound of traffic and sound of complaining on the streets.
Kicked out of her reverie, the sketch pad on her desk had its pages opened like a flapping wing, the flipping ultimately ending at the rough sketch of Ned and Peter.
Having only been put back in reality, she was sucked in to the looping question of who exactly was Peter Parker. A strange feeling snapped at her chest but as it was only quick and lasted not long enough for MJ to care, ignored it and closed the sketchpad, in hopes to bring back peace to her riddled mind.
Footsteps sounded and MJ turned her head to see Ned.
"Hey, MJ. Brad came here earlier and asked about you. I told them you went to have an emergency sleepover at Gina's and haven't come home yet so you might have to call him back."
"Oh," MJ paused. "I... I will call him back, thanks Ned."
Her roommate gave her a toothy smile, quite happy and in a good mood. "No worries."
Leaving her alone to dwindle, MJ grabbed her phone from the desk. She opened it and witnessed fifteen missed calls, two of them which went to voicemail, and thirty-six messages. Clicking on the notifications, she pressed her phone to her ear. It only took two rings before the call connected.
"Hey, boo. How was the sleepover? I was a little concerned you were unreachable." Static sounded from the other side of the phone, mixed with the sound of a TV going off in the background.
"Yeaaaah, it was great. I- Sorry, everything was so fast and I forgot my phone here in the apartment. I apologize for leaving you hanging." MJ had her sights outside the window but her mind was not fully present, she failed to notice the orange and red hues painted across the city from the sunset. She added, "I'll tell you everything tomorrow, see you then?"
A small huff came off the opposite line, MJ couldn't figure if it was because Brad was a little mad or pleased. She fiddled with the corner of the book on top of her desk, waiting for a reply.
"Yeah... Sure. Same place?"
"Same place."
There was a silence that shortly followed, the space between their breaths and idleness hollow. MJ noticed the awkwardness and before it could morph into something more palpable, she quickly spoke a small 'Love you, bye.' then ended the call.
She did not deny the disconnect between them, but MJ thinks it could be remedied. Setting her phone down on the desk, she covers her face with her palms. For a moment, it came to her attention that somehow she felt more compelled to fix this, to fix their relationship.
Wiping her face, the doubts circling her head seemed to be wiped with it as she donned a more serious expression. She went to the dining table where Ned was already happily munching away on the bánh mìs. On the plastic bag, four were left.
"It's a shame Spiderman was not able to share the bánh mìs with us." Ned spoke with a hint of sadness. There were crumbs on the side of his lips and it seemed to accentuate the frown that formed on his mouth.
Sitting across from him, MJ spoke. "Not today, but maybe some other day."
The frown turned upside down as hope came to Ned through a realization. With slightly greasy fingers, he pointed at MJ with a bright smile. "Oh my god, you're right. Spiderman met me and built legos together with me in this apartment. We're more than strangers now, I can imagine he'd be down to hang again when he's not busy." More realization came as Ned gasped in admiration. "I can't believe I'm actually friends with Spiderman."
MJ paused mid bite. She looked at Ned, her friend unsuspecting and overall still starstruck. Who would have thought that no matter if those memories are real or not, the admiration held by Ned is genuine. For a moment, MJ juggled the idea of speaking the truth. She continued to eat the bánh mìs that had already gone cold, almost as if earning the courage to reveal it.
Ned did not let the behavior go unnoticed. He looked at MJ and asked. “Hey, what’s wrong? Why do you look so nervous?”
With the last bite, MJ looked up to witness the worried expression on Ned’s face. She opened her mouth for a second, then closed it right after. Shaking her head, unsure how to crack this open.
“Nothing.” MJ spoke, fishing for another bánh mì in the bag.
With ample years of being friends, Ned was quite perceptive of MJ’s emotions. He just brushed it off and gave her a quick reminder that whenever she feels ready, he’d be all ears. Finishing both bánh mìs in silence, Ned was first to retire and stood up from the table.
“Hey,” MJ called out. Ned turned to face MJ on the table with a quizzical expression. MJ nodded and gave a curt smile. “I owe you one.”
Understanding what it meant, Ned only shrugged. “You brought Spider-man to our apartment, that’s considered repaid if you asked me.”
MJ only laughed. There’s more to that secret, but it was not hers to reveal.
Finished with eating, MJ stood up but felt as if her knees buckled. She tried to move but the world around her seemed to stop, everything paused. Her eyes remained in one position and saw Ned not moving, too. The world froze in an instant, time stuck in place.
But one major takeaway, was that MJ remained aware.
First she felt a spark, then it exploded into a splitting headache. The pain came in waves, like a storm swirling in the middle of the ocean, wreaking havoc in the still, deep waters. MJ wanted to do nothing but lay down and make herself as small as possible, but there was nothing she could do but remain in her position, as if a statue.
Her screams were trapped to herself until her consciousness went black.
A piercing sound soon hit her ear, high pitched that dragged out for a few seconds. Soon all the pain went, the sharp noise vanished into quietness, and light came back as a distant memory played inside her head.
In her sights was a gentle sunset, painting the surroundings with hues of yellows and oranges, encapsulating the wholeness of New York City. There were ruined vehicles and machinery that were scattered in every place the eye can see, everything broken and destroyed.
But with everything in pieces, through the cracks came a peace that can’t be replaced.
MJ watched herself look around, and soon a red figure came swinging into frame. It was Peter.
“You’re going to forget me.”
“What?” Ned asked, disbelief apparent in his tone.
“Forget who you are, what do you mean?” MJ heard herself talk.
“It’s okay. I’m gonna come and find you, and explain everything.” Peter paused, licking his lips with tears threatening to fall from his eyes. “I’ll make you remember me. And it’ll be like none of this has ever happened. Okay?”
It did not take a lot for MJ to understand what Peter meant, before reason could come pouring in, MJ felt an array of emotions flood her heart. The pain inside her chest, she could not differentiate if it was hers or from MJ of the past entirely.
“O-okay, but what if that doesn’t work? What if that doesn’t work? What if we can’t remember you? I don’t wanna do that.”
There was a longingness in MJ’s voice but she herself felt it quite foreign. As if the world had gone into a blur, MJ’s senses slowly weakened one by one. Soon, she couldn’t feel the coldness of the breeze blowing through her skin, then the sound of Peter’s voice gradually grew thin until it went silent, and last was her vision as she watched Peter’s mouth utter the words.
“There’s nothing else we could do.”
Tethered to that experience, MJ took a moment to realise she was back in her apartment, still unmoving. There was a wetness on her face—she was crying. Even when the world had stopped moving, the weight of her tears defied it. Quite like how her feelings really did not have a place in all of this. Out of bounds and generally lost and had nowhere to go.
Then she remembered Peter’s face. He had a smile but his eyes did not hide the loneliness deep within. Peter had always been a bad liar, MJ thought.
Wait… Peter was a bad liar? How did she know that?
It was unknown how much time went but as if a thread had been cut and tension had been freed, MJ and Ned were unbound from the strange powers. Time moved again. Despite being frozen in place, MJ felt moved. She looked at Ned, her breathing erratic and without rhythm.
Worried, Ned moved a step closer then asked, “Are you okay?”
Understanding that her expression was still completely out of sorts and that her tears were still very much rolling down her cheeks, MJ shuffled at her spot as she looked down at her feet. She scratched her head then wiped her eyes. “Yeah, just… I got a headache from whatever that was.” MJ answered half truthfully, half a lie. It was definitely more than just a headache. She raised her eyes and watched Ned’s brows relax a little.
Ned ushered her to sit for a while and grabbed a glass of water. “I did not have a headache from that but I did feel weird. Do you need to lie down?”
“No, thanks.” MJ paused, her gaze trailing off into the window where Peter left. “I wonder how Spider-man is. I hope he’s okay.”
There was a sigh, then the sound of chair scraped against the floor. Ned sat with her and answered, “He’s Spider-man, he’s a hero who is very powerful and amazing, I know he’ll get through this.”
The words from Ned’s mouth was delivered with a certainness that was quite difficult to destroy. His faith for the lone hero was more than a hundred of his fans combined. MJ cracked a smile, positive. “He truly has a knack for this hero thing.”
Hours passed and soon news came that Spider-man was injured and was in a critical condition. Sitting on the couch, MJ felt her body tense from the news. To see someone so powerful in a state of weakness was a most fearful feeling. The newscaster explained that his injuries were from a sniper bullet hitting him squarely at his back. The segment ended with everyone in New York City carrying heavy hearts.
The sun had set and the night sky seemed to share the sorrow of the city. No stars were in sight as dark clouds covered New York City, curtained with a light rain. MJ lay on the bed, the time already late, but she did not feel an ounce of sleepiness come to her. Her heart did not feel stable. Closing her eyes made her see the vision from whence she was trapped in the strange powers, the look on Peter’s face, how his eyes looked at her as if she was everything. She opened her eyes, not wanting to close it again.
The light drizzle knocked on her window, the coldness seeping in. In these four years, she never felt alone, yet she did feel as if there was something lacking. A lump on her throat had formed, her eyes began to sting. MJ cried again, clutching her heart. The night ambience became in tune with her sobs, tiring her out until she fell into a deep slumber.
MJ fought to not sleep, in fear that she may remember other things—painful things. But in her haziness, a warmth came to her as if an embrace. The scene was set, everything around her was ruined.
The bridge she was running on was in ruins, the buildings, the cars. In her hand was a weapon of sorts, a heavy spike mace as she was running. At the end was a younger looking Peter standing, waiting for her. She wanted to deny it but her heart felt happy.
The scene played in a haze, they were talking as if just for the sake of conversation. Worry laden and courageous. MJ felt herself pull out a necklace, a dahlia necklace that was now broken into pieces.
“No,” Peter reacted, “I’m sorry MJ, I had this whole plan, this stupid plan, and I had it all written down, and I was gonna buy you this and I was gonna give it to you and…”
Words from Peter’s mouth ceased as MJ sealed his lips with a kiss. A quick and gentle peck. As MJ withdrew, Peter’s face looked completely stunned.
“And you kissed me…?” Peter rambled on, as if still figuring out what really just happened.
“I don’t really have much luck when getting close to people… so, I lied.” In her heart there was an emotion of embarrassment mixed with joy. MJ continued, “I wasn’t just watching you ‘cause I thought you were Spider-man.”
Peter looked at her, his eyes swirling with understanding. They shared another kiss, with their hearts finally in tune. The black dahlia necklace is still in MJ’s clutches. Dawn broke and the sun had said hello to the city. MJ woke up, her eyes red from sleep, her fingers fiddling with the jewelry around her neck.
The day had started a few hours ago, but only now did MJ feel like facing it head on. Brad, she needed to talk with him today. The subway was packed with people. At the opposite platform, she saw a little boy wearing red and blue with a lady holding him. The little boy was wearing a spider-man costume. The trains arrived and everyone entered, their destinations each to their own. MJ entered the train, with her earphones playing the radio. News about the wounded hero was not scarce, but her riddled mind was soon put to rest when the news confirmed that his vitals had stabilized and that he would soon go into a path of recovery.
The train stopped and MJ left the tracks. Her steps took her quickly to her destination, her phone was ringing but she felt it unnecessary to answer when she was right at the door, the cafe where she had met Brad. The door rang as it opened, in the corner was Brad with his phone pressed to his ear. The footsteps were not hurried, but firm, MJ walked straight to their table where Brad looked at her with bags under his eyes.
It seemed he himself did not have much sleep like her.
“Hey…”
“Hi…”
Both greeted, the air already bewitched with an awkwardness quite palpable. MJ felt her heart rate quicken, she exhaled to recalibrate her emotions. “Did you order?” She asked, breaking the ice that formed between them.
Brad smiled, there was hurt in his face but a tinge of acceptance. “Just coffee, I had a feeling this would be a quick meeting.”
“Two coffees for Brad?” The waiter called, Brad instantly stood up to get the drinks. With MJ left at the table, she closed her eyes again, steeling herself in the few seconds she was left alone.
Soon, the scent of coffee permeated the table, MJ looked down to see her favorite coffee pushed towards her. Her heartstrings broke, but she recovered quickly as Brad sat across her, sipping on his cup.
The silence was heavy but MJ grabbed the courage to break it. She started, “Brad, you are a great person. You have been with me for almost two years and those two years were something that means something to me. All of that was real.”
Visibly, Brad stiffened as he placed the cup down. His mouth sealed, beckoning for MJ to keep talking.
“It was… Our differences were something that we have worked on but some changes were difficult to pursue. I failed to change myself for you.”
“No,” Brad interrupted. “You shouldn’t change yourself to be loved. I understand that now.”
Brad looked up to see MJ already in tears, her eyes and nose were red from emotion and he felt his eyes burn. They share a cursory nod, both silent but not uncomfortable anymore.
“Thank you, and I’m sorry.” MJ said, her voice breaking.
“There’s no need for sorrys between us, take care out there MJ.” Brad answered.
There was a heaviness in her heart that vanished with those words. She stood up and gave Brad one last hug, her tears rolling down to his shirt. She left Brad a scintillating smile as she walked out the cafe. Her coffee abandoned on the table to run cold. She walked out of the streets of New York feeling fresh and new. Her legs were walking at a gentle pace, then into a jog, then broke into a full sprint.
She found herself walking down the subway station, her hair going wild with the wind. She felt free. She rode the subway to the center of the city, her lips breaking into a smile here and there. The train stopped and she arrived at her destination. In front of her were crowds and crowds of people, the street was cramped from corner to corner. From the distance, the hues of red and blue mingled as the people moved. MJ arrived at Metro-General Hospital.
From the rain last night, puddles were formed along the streets. MJ was careful to not step on them. She walked and got closer to the crowd, her heart full and happy. She entered the hospital and was about to ask for spider-man’s room when the nurse in the lobby announced to the group ahead of her that, “Visiting spider-man is prohibited for him to recover quickly. If you wish to send gifts for him then just leave it here and we’ll deliver it to him.”
The group of teenagers looked upset from the news and left bags of snacks and balloons on the desk. MJ felt saddened by the notice too and was about to leave when she saw a familiar person walking down the stairs. The person saw him too and looked at her with a knowing gaze. He pointed at her, no strangeness in his actions.
“You’re here?” Frank said. “Come up.”
The nurses looked at MJ and saw that Frank knew her and allowed her to ascend the steps. Soon, she arrived at the door, Frank twisted the door and let her enter first.
She was met with the sound of rhythmic beeping. She looked deeper and saw that on the bed was Peter, with his eyes closed. She felt a tightness in her chest.
“He’s okay now. The doctor said that the worse had come to pass.”
The mask at the edge of the bed was bloody. On the desk at his side were more gifts from his fans. MJ walked closer to watch Peter. She hesitated at first but with a hand, she gently caressed his face, her fingertips tingling from the sensation. Her heart was tickled into a gentleness, making her eyes watery from her actions.
“What did you do?” MJ asked, her question quiet.
Frank understood and quietly left the room, leaving both of them. The door clicked shut and MJ felt her eyes dripping with tears. She wanted to give Peter a tight hug, but instead sat close to him and held his hand. With both hands, she placed his hand to her cheeks, his palms cold and rough from wounds. MJ kissed his palm and whispered words. Silent, she listened at his breaths, thankful that he was still alive.
She stayed with him for a while, her eyes not leaving his face one bit. There were many questions and many things she wanted to know but the priority right now is to get Peter back to his feet. Logically speaking, Peter is a super hero and his body recovered faster than a normal person. But the fear in MJ’s heart could not be shaken. She kept by his side, as if to settle the days she was not there for him.
Was there ever a place for her throughout these years?
“Lunch?” Frank asked her, removing her from such plaguing thoughts.
MJ looked back to see Frank with a plastic bag on hand, she grabbed it and uttered her small thanks. Still looking at Peter, she kept to herself and ate in silence.
“Who would have thought that he was just a kid.” Frank spoke, he shuffled to the window, gazing down at the crowd of people. “Those people out there really do love him.”
The crowd still chanted words of cheers towards Spider-man. Their voices dwindled because of the closed window but there was much noise for everyone to take notice. MJ looked at Frank, her lips in a curt smile. “He loves this city, too.”
Frank chuckled. “He does. Every single one of them, even villains.”
He’s too selfless for his own good.—MJ thought to herself.
The hours passed by in silence, and MJ knew that her time here would be over sooner than later. There was a desire for her to witness Peter waking up, but there was also this relief that Peter did not know she was here. She stood up and fished her sketchpad from her bag. Flipping through the pages, she stopped at one page and ran her hands one last time through it.
She placed the sketchpad on the desk where all the gifts for spider-man were laid; a simple smile blooming on her face.
“Not waiting until he turns to?” Frank asked, looking at MJ’s retreating form.
The simple smile on her face transformed into a grin.
“I’ll wait for him to come find me.” MJ answered, glancing one last time on Peter before closing the door.