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Son coeur est un luth suspend
Sitôt qu’on le touche ils résonne
De Béranger (Edgar Allan Poe)
Regulus and Sirius finally escaped from Grimmauld Place, after another punishment of their dear mother. The eldest had then took a bag with the essentials and his little brother, taking them both to a future synonymous with life.
Regulus seemed absent, and was still shaking after the events the brothers had lived. Between the punches of their mother, the passivity of their father mixed with alcohol, they didn’t had other choices than leaving.
Sirius had some concussions, he felt that he was bleeding but it wasn’t his priority, it couldn’t be. His priority was his little brother, still his little brother, always his little brother. Because from as far as he remembered, Regulus always had been his priority, more than his brother, his son. His son. Not like Walburga and Orion, he always had prioritized the security and happiness of the boy. Or at least the best of what we could have in this house.
And Reggie had grown up hiding, becoming a calm kid, too calm for what should be a child his age. And so he hid behind this alcove three doors on the right after the living room, the tiny closet behind the stairs but especially behind his big brother, the only stable palliate he knew. And the first one to truly love him. Sirius always had been a synonym of security. He knew that his brother would never touch him to hurt him. He could recognize his hands, always so gentle, despite his tornado personality.
And that is how the arrived in front of the Potter’s house, scared and traumatized by the punches, screams and oppressive silences.
It’s Effie who opened the door that night. A kind and smiling woman wearing an apron, on which we could read “Todo lo que hacemos con amor se convierte en magia”. But even her with all her goodwill, she hadn’t been formed to welcome runaway and injured kids. Her first reflex was to scream at his husband for him to come fast, which made the two brothers on the doorsteps flinching.
Her second reflex was to extend her arms at them to take them inside. Sirius, who was accustomed by the Potter’s kindness, didn’t even bat an eye but it wasn’t the same for his brother who only new James. Regulus screamed, eyes wide, trying to curl up on himself closer to the floor behind his brother’s legs. He only wanted to escape from the hands, fasts and unknown linked with this screaming woman. This situation was too familiar. He can’t run away from one cage for another. He can’t do it. He won’t survive it this time. Panics starts to set.
Breath in
Breath out
Breath in
Breath out
Try to breath in…
And then hands on him, hands again. Panic kept him from recognize them. He doesn’t think and push them away trying to curl on himself even more while trying to finding his breathing.
“Reggie, it’s me everything’s alright”
He felt the voice’s hands trying to unfold him to expand his chest cage to facilitate the air intake, and so he try to struggle.
He tries to situate but he doesn’t recognize this place. He’s outside, he’s shaking again, he’s crying, there is the woman and the hands.
“Regulus you really have to breath. I won’t touch you if you can breath by yourself.”
He still couldn’t recognize the voice that talked to him because of the insufferable noise in his head but he understands the words. He ignores the larger group of bodies. He tries to lift his head to the sky full of stars. Taking a short breath, shaky at first, Regulus succeed to finally calm down and take in his environment. Two tall figures stood in the door frame, James’s parents. In front of them, a tanned teenager with golden glasses and messy hairs, James. And then someone crouched in front of him with exposed hands like a proof of security, his brother, his big brother, Sirius.
“Hey mon étoile, everything’s alright I’m here and we are safe, you see?” whispered Sirius, the calm newly acquired by the younger boy.
Regulus looked around them, looking at the same peoples, at the same peoples, in the same positions. And so obliviously he believes his brother, he was safe. After a moment Sirius whispered “we go in when you’re ready”. Regulus nodded, a silent sign that they could go inside, calmly, as Sirius got up as slowly, before offering his hand to help his brother to get up.
But Regulus couldn’t take it, he couldn’t stomach any hand at this moment. And this realization broke is heart because he never refused a contact from Sirius. At this moment no contact was possible. And so tears welled up. He looked at his brother, teary eyes, begging and shaking his head. The eldest took his hand down whispering that everything was fine.
They finally walked in the Potter’s cottage and regulus realized that the first contact with this family was a panic attack. Shameful, he felt his wet cheeks flushing.
That’s when Effie entered. The youngest lowering his head, straightening his back. “Pardon me for my behavior Mrs Potter, it wasn’t corre-“ Regulus begun before the woman stopped him. “No, no, no, no, nothing of that, all of your feelings are legitimate my dear. You must be exhausted, so if you let me look at your really quick, you could go sleep”. He nodded, not able to speak anymore.
He flinched when she took her wand. She looked at him with a compassionate look. Sirius stayed by his side during the whole process. Close enough that he could feel his presence, without having any physical contact. While Effie was casting healing spells to try to heal all of the traces of this night, Regulus saw James go back and forth upstairs with various objects, like towels, blankets… It was easier to focus on James moving rather than Effie’s wand or Sirius’s sympathetic look. Like he had not himself lived or suffered way worse than what they had both tonight.
James Potter was a year older than Regulus, he was the year above him with Sirius. As far as he could remember, he always emanated rays of sunshine. Of course it sometimes happened that there were clouds, the sun can’t always shine it’s brightest light, but it doesn’t mean that it brings any less comfort. But never had he ever seen such a concentrated storm in this boy. He walked while deep in his thought, brows furrowed, and no smile brightening his face.
When Effie had finished with her healing spell James was against the doorframe, his arms crossed and the same face as before . “ James my love, could you please bring clothes for the boys and show his room to Regulus while I’m healing Sirius ?” but before his could respond Sirius spoke “Don’t worry Effie, I have a bag with some clothes”.
All three of theme exchanged a silent conversation with their eyes then James turned to Regulus, motioning to follow him while Effie was now taking care of Sirius.
The Gryffindor boy took him to his new room, showing him the bathroom with some towels and products that he could use, then the closet with the bedsheets and blankets in case the younger boy needed It. James also showed him his room, and his parent’s room, insisting that he come to them if he needed, and not to be scared be scared of bothering them, whatever happened.
James was leaving but Regulus’s voice stopped him. He spoke so quietly that he could have not heard it.
“I’m sorry”
James turned to the usually nonchalant Slytherin. Always with his head high. He didn’t really match Slytherins’ cliché, known to humiliate muggles and jinxing anyone that would cross their path. It was expected from Regulus to act the same way, but Regulus wasn’t raised by his parents, he had grown up with Sirius, who had tried his best to protect him from Orion and Walburga’s punches, but also from their racist blood purist ideas. So the young black wasn’t the ideal younger brother for his parents taste but he wasn’t exactly extroverted or altruistic either (except for his brother, house elves and animals).
That’s why James wasn’t prepared to hear whispered excuses coming from him. Thinking about it, he couldn’t say he was surprised because the Black brothers are getting away from a house synonym of hell so vulnerability shouldn’t be surprising. It was just so unusual. However James really didn’t get why needed to apologize to him. “You don’t have to say sorry Regulus, nothing that happened tonight was your fault, no matter what”.
“No it’s just that-“ Words caught in his throat, not able to explain himself. James really understanding waited for him to speak, letting him gather his thoughts.
“I’m sorry we arrived this late without warning and for the fit I had on the doorstep, it was not appropriate coming from me.”
“I assure you that it’s fine, you’re not bothering anyone. I’ve told Pads that you could come no matter when, both of you."
“But-“
“No Regulus look at me, I’m not lying, you’re not bothering anyone, by your late arrival or by your behavior”
And Regulus watched his face and his eyes for any lie, but he only founded sincerity.
“Fine, thank you then. For everything”.
“No problem and I insist, feel free to come look for me if you need anything”.
────☆────
Later, Reg was half asleep in his bed, his mind juggling between wanting to sleep and the events from earlier. Until he heard his bedroom door creak and saw a ray of light coming into the room. Sirius’ head appeared “hey Reg, you’re okay ?” At these words Regulus couldn’t hold back his tears again. And so his big brother got closer to the bed and lied down next to him, but when he tried to take him in his arms, Regulus flinched again, whispering franticlly “ je suis désolé, I’m so sorry, Je peux pas, pardon”.
He let the tears roll down his face, and let himself get recomforted by his brother, who avoided touching him.
This night, they fell asleep together in the same bed, soothed by the other’s presence.
────☆────
The next days were weird for Regulus. Yes he had to get used a new house with two adults he didn’t knew, his brother’s best friend with who he rarely talked and only at quidditch, but it was something else.
Regulus had always observed. Peoples or his environment, so it didn’t took him a long time to notice that the Potter didn’t treat him the same as Sirius. He told himself that it was normal because they knew his brother better than him, but still.
He had watched Monty and Effie hugging Sirius and James to great them in the morning.
He had watched Monty put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder when he was behind him because he was playing chess against James.
He had watched Effie braiding Sirius’ hairs before going to bed.
He had watched James and Sirius fake fighting while rolling on the ground.
He had watched all these interactions and felt his heart aching. Not that the Potter left him aside, far from it.
He exchanged literary with Monty.
He learnt how to take care of flowers with Effie.
He played quidditch with Sirius and James.
But it was simply different. He felt as if he were suspended, watching them without participating. It stirred up feelings in him that he couldn’t identify or describe which was quite frustrating when he wrote in his journals.
Recently James had showed him the familial library, for Regulus biggest joy. The bonus, in addition to having access to that many books, was being able to avoid all those moments that threw him off.
Today was not really different. He had woke up again and watched again.
Monty and Effie’s hug for James then Sirius.
Monty kissing Effie to thanks her when she put the pancakes on the table.
Sirius throwing himself on James to take back a stolen blueberry.
Yes he had silently watched once again.
At the end of breakfast he got up and went back in his room. This story was confusing him. Usually, he didn’t need to stress out about it because what he was feeling didn’t mattered. He hadn’t his say at Grimaud Place. But here it was allowed to feel. He could let himself have feelings, but he didn’t understood these ones.
He went on his bed on his back. He was staring at the ceiling full of glow in the dark stars like they had the responses at all the knots inside him.
He hadn’t realized the time that had past until someone came knocking on the door. Nobody opened the door waiting for Regulus’ authorization to come in. and then he heard “Reg?”
James.
Regulus’ opinion on James was sort of better. Not that he didn’t liked him before, he just didn’t knew him. They knew each other from Sirius of course, but they didn’t knew each other. Now they are spending more time together. Like friends who are still learning to know the other. They sometimes play chess, are both helping Monty cooking and James recently started coming to the library with him after lunch. It had become their new routine, getting used to the other’s presence. They didn’t always talked, but it wasn’t always essential. It was like natural?
So yes when someone knock on his door respecting his space he knows that it’s James (Sirius doesn’t hesitate so much before entering without permission).
“Yes sorry you can come in” he told him from his bed where he was still on his back.
James came in but stayed in the door frame. “Mom says that lunch’s almost ready, you help me set the table ?”
“Yes I’m coming in a second.”
James left and Regulus followed him some time after. He did felt the spices’ aroma while going downstairs. He helped setting the table then waited at his spot for everyone to arrive. He saw James take his place next to Regulus, in front of effie. The woman was finishing the dessert, a fruit salad. He saw Monty washing his hands in the kitchen but no trace of his brother.
The moment he was going to ask where he was, his brother emerged from the front door.
“Sorry for being late Effie, I hadn’t saw the time pass!” he exclaimed.
Sirius was so excited and agitated on his story about the morning he had spent with Remus, his boyfriend, that he didn’t pay attention on his environment. He took the seat facing Regulus but was still talking, accompanying his story with hand movements. He was so enthusiastic that he started to swing his legs under the table and accidentally hit his brother’s leg. He didn’t immediately register his move, but when he did, he stopped dead in his tracks. His legs, his hands, his speech. He just looked up to watch his brother’s reaction.
He was glaring at him.
Sirius spoke again and started to apologize to Regulus. Something between “Putain Reg I’m so sorry!” and “I’ve totally forgot, I won’t do it again I swear!”
Regulus didn’t really understood why his brother was apologizing so much for that. Maybe had he stared at him too deadly? He didn’t had the time to look further into the matter because Effie and Monty arrived and took their spots to start eating.
He didn’t talked about it with his big brother again, but he still felt the ghost touch of his brother’s foot lingering. Like a wave that spreads in his body around the phantom heat source.
────☆────
Some days later the situation hadn’t changed. There was still this weird inexplainable feeling.
Well there was something that had changed, and it weighted on him more and more every day. So much that on the second week he started to cry silently in his bed at night.
He was trying so to avoid them the best he could, seeing them only at dinner.
He was in his room since lunch. He was worn out emotionally and didn’t think that he could pretend that everything was fine. He could even less explain what he was feeling given that he didn’t understood it himself. He just wanted to be alone, with maybe a book, but he had forgotten the one he had in the Potter’s library and it was usually at this time that he was spending time with James there. Maybe could he sneak out and avoid him ?
He opened his door wanting to sneak out silently, but he collided with an obstacle. He had just collided James who visibly was standing in front of the door, ready to knock. He lost his balance for a second but James grabbed his arm to catch him.
Instantly he felt it again, warmth resonating in his arms, propagating in his body, and strangely his heart ? The moment only lasted for a brief second.
Suddenly James realized what he had done and let him go quickly, apologizing. A scene that strangely resembled at what had happened at lunch with his brother some time ago.
“I’m really sorry Regulus! Are you fine? Are you okay ? Sorry! I didn’t want to… Well Yes! I wanted to catch you but I hadn’t realized..”
“James, what ?”
Like he hadn’t heard, James went on. “ I swear I just wanted to know if you were okay because I couldn’t find you and I’m sorry it was a reflex…”
“Hein ?”
“And I know that Sirius told us not to do it but I hadn’t thought and I swear that I wouldn’t cross your boundaries intentionally …”
“James stop.” Sayed Regulus a bit harshly.
“Sorry.”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying, what’s with Sirius ?”
“I touched you I’m sorry” whispered James softer than before.
“Yes and? I don’t see what it has to do with my brother or why your acting like that.”
“Well… I’m not allowed to touch you.” He says more like a question, but when he saw the look on Regulus’s face he kept speaking “the first morning of your arrival you were still sleeping but we were all up. Sirius briefly told us what happened in your room the night before and that you’re scared of contact. This and your panic attack on the doorstep, he assumed that you now feared physical contact, and so he forbidden us to touch you. You know so you could recover and respect your boundaries and everything… Regulus are you okay ?”
He had tears in his eyes and this inexplicable feeling started to whispered to him :
Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch.
He muttered “bunch of idiots”. His voice breaking with tears at the end and he threw himself in James’s arms.
The boy caught him and hugged him back like a reflex.
Regulus enjoyed the embrace. The weird feeling gone, washed by the waves of warm and comfort that it brought him. And then he understood. He needed to feel that. He needed James to take him in his arms, Effie to kiss him on the cheek on the morning, for Monty to put a hand on his shoulder like a father would and for Sirius to take his annoying brother role, who would ruffle his hairs, and comfort him after a nightmare, that kiss him on the head when the cross path and that lean against his shoulder when Regulus and him are standing next to each other.
And then James muttered back “I can touch you then ?”
Regulus let a laugh and responded “Yes James you can.” He washed him smiling through his tears.
“Cool. Perfect. That’s awesome”
────☆────
The same evening, when Sirius came in the living room he saw James sitting on the couch an arm around Reg’s shoulder. And that’s naturally that he exclaimed
“James !”
The two boys on the sofa jumped and turned to where the scream came from while parting away.
“How dare you touch my baby brother !? With what rights !??”
“Pads calm down.”
“Don’t even start telling me to calm down when I told all of you to respect his limits and not to touch him!?”
“Sirius “ says his little brother. Not harshly, without accusation, without raising his voice only softly whispering his name. And so naturally, he stopped screaming on his best friend to focus on his little brother. He didn’t even noticed James slipping away. The two brothers looked at each other for a moment before Regulus spoke again “Everything is fine Sirius. I don’t have anything against touch you see ? I even think it’s the opposite really.”
“What ? but you couldn’t stand it, you were flinching.”
“I suppose that it was an oblivious reaction while processing everything that happened at home but it’s fine now .” He paused, then spoke more silently “Tu peux me prendre dans les bras ? ”
And so obviously Sirius threw himself onto the boy to hug him. What could he do otherwise ?
And Regulus couldn’t get enough of the sensation it gave him. He couldn’t feel safer than in the security of Sirius’s arms. The emotions came in wave making him tremble, and what a sweet sensation it was. He was so caught up in the sense of complacency that he took some time to notice his brother shivering. “Sirius ? Are you okay ?”
“Je suis tellement désolé Reg.”
“What are you talking about ?”
“I’ve told the whole household not to touch when you needed contact. I’ve been contributing to your suffering, forgive me.” Sirius hugged him harder on these last words.
Regulus huffed “look at me.”
“Non”
“Sirius please look at me please” so he backed away from the hug to look at the younger boy. “you wanted to protect me and I could never be angry at you for that”
“But-“ Sirius couldn’t add anything more that his brother cut him off.
“No you idiot listen to me. All my life you’ve protected me. I was your priority and you’ve always done anything to make me feel loved. You maybe badly interpreted my reactions this night but I couldn’t understand them myself what I was feeling and you also got away. You don’t show it the same way I do but it had impacted you, I know it.”
He paused, mentally preparing himself for his next words.
“Je t’aime Sirius. Tu es mon grand frère, celui qui m’a élevé. Tu as été plus un parent pour moi que Walburga et Orion ne le seront jamais. Tu es humain et tu t’es trompé, ça n’a rien d’anormal. Je ne t’en veux pas.”
"I hate myself.”
"You don’t need to."
“It never was a chore to raise you, I always loved you, I never regretted protecting you.”
“I know, merci.”
They hugged each other once again for a few minutes that could have been hours if James didn’t came back into the room, slightly unsure.
“I’ve made tea, someone wants some ?”
“Merlin yes I was way too emotional” he said before pointing a finger at Sirius “don’t get used to it.”
“Too bad, I like your emotional side” replied Sirius with a big smile.
────☆────
And just like that,
Monty and Effie includes him in the morning hug,
James and Regulus snuggle in the library’s couch while reading,
Sirius threw himself onto him without warning at any occasion.
And every time, his heart was resonating