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Alone, naked, and completely vulnerable in a spare room filled with empty holiday presents, you try to remember if you’ve ever experienced indignation like this before. You’re pretty sure you haven’t.
And yet here you are, peeled from a body like a tick off a dog, and stuffed–no, not stuffed, forced into a box as Kris made a beeline for the door and left you in the dark.
This isn’t the first time they’ve done this. That’s the worst part, you think, that they can just abandon you and flee. You assumed you were essential to life itself, but evidently not. The first time had been so shocking and terrifying you didn’t know what to do. The second time had also been shocking and terrifying, but for different reasons, and you were also annoyed that Kris was hiding something from you.
The third time, well…needless to say, you had tried to open Kris’ mouth when they opened the Dark Fountain, to snitch (for lack of a better term) to Susie. But Kris’ mouth remained closed, tight-lipped except for when you took control. But you never managed to say what you really wanted to say.
And now you’re here. At least you can move, in a way, floating through the air like a dust particle in the sunlight. You struggle to stay on course, but after a little searching, you find an exit; an unguarded vent, just your size so you can slip through it. Jackpot.
You need to find Kris, and get back to them. You aren’t exactly sure how to regain your rightful place in their chest, but you’ll figure it out. With or without them.
It wasn’t like this last time, you remember, in the Other Place. You were in the Other Place first, in a world filled with caverns, unnatural snow, waterfalls, and hot lava. In a place where most people wanted to snatch you, the Soul, away and use you for escape. At least until they got to know you. Then they couldn’t help but adore you. It wasn’t really your goal to make everyone in the Other Place love you, but how could they not? You did everything you could to save their world, to free them.
Well, for a while, anyway. But you try not to think about that.
You didn’t think that…well. Looking back, you feel foolish for considering yourself and the Vessel there as one. They never tried to fight you there. You never felt unwanted in that body. It felt like your’s. It felt like it had always been. You forgot that you hadn’t always been there. Or maybe you chose to forget. It was so long ago, you couldn’t remember.
You consider this as you glide like a ghost through the vents, barely able to make your way through. You know Kris isn’t faring much better. You know that isn’t pleasant for them. You’ve watched them hobble around after they cast you out, and it made you remember the Other Place, in the deepest underground beneath the deepest underground, in a secret lab with wailing creatures that used to be monsters, mashed together like onions that had been cooked so long that they fell apart into a fragrant jam. You try not to think of it, but you always end up doing so anyway.
You don’t want to see Kris in pain. You really don’t. But more than that, you don’t want Kris to do whatever they’re trying to sneak off to do, or at least you don’t want them to do it without you watching. You’d rather be hanging out with Noelle and Susie, third-wheeling (fourth-wheeling?) their study session because you also have no idea what this project is about, and you’re hoping that you’ll also figure out what the topic is supposed to be. You don’t think Susie knows either. And you’re NOT asking Berdly. You and Kris can agree on that.
You hear something a little further down, and you feel frustrated when you can’t speed yourself up. But you manage, and you find yourself pressed against a vent, looking into a kitchen.
Kris is there, their body bent as though they’re horribly nauseous. In spite of this, they have a glass cup next to them, and they’re pouring milk and an inordinate amount of chocolate syrup into it.
You pause, confused. This is what they wanted? To make chocolate milk without you? You suppose that the first time they expelled you was to go eat an entire pie themselves, but even so–
A scratchy voice that would send chills down your spine if you had one crackles in the air like lightning, and you realize Kris’ phone is sitting on the counter. Someone is speaking, but you can’t quite hear it. It’s not on speaker, but you manage to catch a few words.
“Susie…note…guitar…don’t let her…”
In the kerfuffle of being stuffed in a box, you nearly forgot about what got you kicked out in the first place: being a little too curious in an empty bedroom. Of course! You had been reading the note trapped to the guitar, and Kris ripped you out in what you now recognize was a near panic. You must have been on the verge of finding something they don’t want you too.
Tough luck on Kris’ part. You’re curious. Maybe too curious. And anyway, Undyne needs you. You weren’t strong enough to fight the Knight and save her, so you’ll save her whether Kris wants you too or not.
It’s a disturbing thought, though, that Kris might be working against you like this. You tried not to think about it, but now that your adventures have taken a sudden dark turn, and Undyne is gone, it’s hard to ignore what this means. Kris is not only working against you, but almost certainly putting others in danger.
It terrifies you, this betrayal, coupled with the fact that they can get rid of you, if only for a short time. What will happen if they get rid of you for good? You don’t think being Soul-less is very good for their health, long-term, but besides that, they will be making their choices without you or your input. Serious choices. Ones that could save or destroy the world. And they are–they’re just–
They’re just a child. You’re you. You know better. You learned to know better. And even when you don’t know better, you can undo it and make the correct choice. Kris can’t do that, not without you.
You’re seized by a strange and alien terror, one colored by helplessness and ignorance. You’ve known Kris is hiding things from you. Serious things. Things you’ve ripped apart their room to find clues for, and came up empty. You could feel Kris’ normally expressionless face crack with the barest smile when you grew desperate, which only made your frenzied searching stretch longer.
What if Kris is being manipulated? You know there’s another bad actor wrapped up in this secret, after all. They must be lying to Kris, telling them that you’re not to be trusted, encouraging them to rip you out like a tumor and do their bidding, beyond where you can see.
Maybe they’re just making stupid decisions. They’re a child, but furthermore, they’re a teenager. Teens loathe thinking their actions through, and Kris dislikes you enough to make some very poor life choices. They’re willing to hurt themselves for just a moment without you, so maybe they’re willing to potentially endanger the world to spite you. It wouldn’t be the most outrageous logic, especially for an angry teen.
Or…well. You don’t like this option, but you have to consider it. Maybe it’s all Kris. Maybe there’s something foul in them that only you’re privy to, in the quiet moments in the night when the witching hour starts. You still remember the cold terror you felt when you saw them draw a kitchen knife for the first time, a terror of recognition, and you screamed for Kris’ mother (Toriel, where in the Other Place she was still your mother, in a way) with a soundless voice, even as you worried that your warning might spell doom for her.
It was fine, of course. This time. Next time it might not be a bluff. Next time, that knife (that knife, of which you are deeply familiar with in another, worse life) might sink into someone else instead of a pie.
You can’t allow this possibility. You can’t allow this to happen, not while you’re here. You won’t let things go bad again, even if last time it was you, and you alone who made things go so, so wrong.
You stop yourself from panicking. You cannot think about the Other Place, and the things you did there. You’re here now. Here. And the world needs you.
Kris snatches their chocolate milk, which isn’t even mixed, and they drink it like they’re terrified someone is going to snatch it from them. The voice on the phone must have hung up, because you can’t hear them anymore. The unmixed chocolate syrup falls into Kris’ mouth with an audible plop, and like a puppet with their strings cut, Kris’ head falls to the counter. You can’t see their face, but you can see that they’re breathing.
You slipped out of the vent, taking slow, halting movements. It’s more than likely that Kris overexerted themselves and passed out. You know that this entire process–the extraction of you, existing without you, and then putting you back–is painful and unpleasant for Kris.
You sympathize, You really do. Of course they don’t want to be forced to follow your bidding. You wouldn’t either. If you had known they would fight you like this before you came here, you never would have come (you think. You tell yourself this. You don’t know if it’s true). But you’re here now, and it won’t last forever. These things never do. One day, and one day sooner than they think, you’ll be gone, and your only goal is to make their world a little better before you leave. You wish you could explain that to them. You’ve tried, but you don’t think they hear you. That, or they’re purposefully ignoring you. You wouldn’t be surprised if it was the second one.
In any case, it’s too late to stop now. You creep forward, and you can hear Susie and Noelle’s muffled voices in the living room. You hope they’re having a good time. You hope they’re talking. You think they could become really good friends if given the chance, maybe something more–
Something moves quickly, and you realize that in your distraction, you’ve made yourself a target. Kris has leapt forward with a sort of animal desperation, an ‘if I go down I’m taking you with me’ leap towards you, and in a second, you’re pinned to an immaculately mopped kitchen floor. You try to escape, to re-enter their body, but chocolate milk must have given them strength, because it’s mere seconds before you’re stuffed back into the gift closet again.
This time though, you waste no time in reintroducing yourself to the vents as soon as Kris leaves. You have to get back to them, and just as importantly, you need to see that guitar again. If you can’t read the code yourself, you need to get it to Susie. You just have no idea how to do that.
Susie is frightened, you realize as you wander the vents. You don’t like that. Susie is headstrong and courageous to a fault, but the failed fight with the Roaring Knight rattled her, and Undyne’s capture shook her confidence deeply. She seems to be more or less back to her old self now that the sun is out once more, but you can see an anxiousness behind her eyes. One that makes you think that your adventures from here on out aren’t going to be quite so fun anymore. You wish you could take it away, but you’re scared too. You don’t know what to do, and it seems like that no matter what you do, you’re careening towards an inevitable conclusion.
The Strange Man, the one who found you in the darkness of the in-between you had exiled yourself to after the Other Place, had told you that your choices didn’t matter. You haven’t heard from him since, but you wish you could ask; if my choices don’t matter, why are there so many of them?
You’re thinking of the Other Place now, how your choices mattered so, so much. An entire civilization was staked on them. And you…you…
The guilt you carry from the Other Place appears again, and you try to push through it. Now is not the time to agonize over the past. You have a job to do.
After finding that the kitchen vent has been closed to you, you find yourself in what you think is a basement. It’s dark, and filled with discarded and broken holiday decorations. You wonder how many decorations this family goes through in a year, and why they feel the need to still put wreaths up on the walls in this creepy-ass space. You’re terrified that Kris has somehow beaten you to the punch down here. You keep bumping into jingle bells, and each cheerful tinkle noise it makes has you freezing, waiting for Kris to leap at you.
You hear Kris and Susie talking above you through old wooden floorboards, and you listen in as best you can while you search around for clues or a better escape, whichever comes first.
“So, uh…” Susie sounds ridiculously awkward, and you can picture her picking at loose threads on her jeans.
“Looks like…” Noelle says, and you can picture her back perfectly straight, hands folded so tightly it’s almost painful. “It’s just the two of us.”
Oh god, they both sound terrible. They both wish Kris were there as a buffer, but Kris is in no shape to help them out, hobbling out there Soul-less and filled with unmixed chocolate milk. They have got to get over this awkwardness with each other. It’s like watching two Alphyses (Alphi?) try to hold a conversation.
You bump against a large stereo, and to your shock, it begins to play a friendly tune that isn’t holiday music. It feels more melancholy, and fits right in alongside the abandoned decorations.
“Do you…?” You hear Noelle again. “Hear something? From the basement?”
You freeze, suddenly worried you’ve given yourself away. You don’t want Susie and Noelle to know about you–at least, not yet. You need to figure out a way to communicate to them that you’re benevolent, especially when there’s no doubt Kris will slander you.
“Damn,” Susie says, sounding deeply serious. “Hope it’s not the severed hand.”
You think that’s a bizarre thing to say, certainly not what you would have said if you had control, but Noelle laughs. “Is that a Blood Crushers 2 reference?”
“Huh? Dude, you actually know it?” Susie sounds shocked, and a little excited.
“Of course! It’s like a super-duper classic!”
You’re doubtful that something called Blood Crushers, much less its sequel, is regarded as a classic, but at least Noelle and Susie are talking, not marinating in silence.
“One day, the protagonist wakes up without a hand,” Noelle says, and you continue shuffling around the basement, only half listening to their conversation.
“Then, like, they hear music playing in the basement,” Susie continues. “And when they go down, it starts attacking them and stuff!”
“Cheezus, yeah, it was so freaky!” Noelle giggles.
There’s a moment of silence where you think the conversation is beginning to go down like a lead balloon, until Susie admits: “You know, I never saw the original. Only 2.”
“Gosh, really? I have the box set, do you wanna watch?”
“Dude, that would be awesome!”
“Yeah! Gosh, I used to watch it, like, religiously,” Noelle giggles nervously, and then her voice becomes a little more somber. “It’d be nice to…have someone to watch it with again.”
You want to keep listening to this, but you don’t have all day. This world is depending on you, whether they realize it or not.
You search around a bit, and discover a large, empty present, which you move aside, moreso just to have something to do than to move towards a concrete goal. But your luck seems to have turned, because there’s a line of circuit breakers behind the present.
You pause, not really sure what to do with this. There’s probably no magical puzzle here. But you have to try something.
You ungracefully shove yourself against the circuit, and complete and utter blackness swallows you almost instantly.
For a second, you think you’ve died, maybe electrocuted, and you don’t know what happens if you die without a body. Can you load a Save? But after a moment, you hear Susie huff upstairs. “Dude, the lights. Did, like, the power go out?”
“Augh, Kris!” Noelle says, and you think you hear her stand up. “We know it’s you doing one of your stupid pranks!”
You nearly flinch. There’s an odd feeling that rises in you whenever someone refers to Kris like this, references something that they’re known for that you weren’t aware of, or a memory that you had no idea existed. You tell yourself that it’s your own sorrow that you don’t know everything about them like their close friends and family, but you know it’s not that. You don’t…you don’t like it when people talk about things you weren’t here for.
You don’t like thinking about how, except for the fact that you’re a key part in making sure Kris can still function, they survived just fine without you for all of their life. That there are things they’ve experienced, done, and grown from that you’ll just never be a part of. It makes you feel like an intruder. It makes you feel unwanted. You don’t like not knowing things. Especially when those things are about Kris.
“Let’s go fix the breaker,” Noelle says, sounding a little exasperated. You hear footsteps begin to move across the floor, and then descend stairs.
You panic, completely unsure what to do now. You don’t think you want to be seen like this, not yet, and maybe never, but you don’t know where to hide. You don’t know where to look. You don’t–
Suddenly, a dusty holiday tree wobbles, and falls straight towards you. Before you can react, the angel on top of it pops off, and falls over you, perfectly concealing you.
“Oops, the tree,” Susie says. Of course it was Susie.
Through the mesh of the angel’s skirt, you can see Susie and Noelle, holding flashlights. “Um, sorry, Dad didn’t clean the basement this year,” Noelle says. “Anyway, the breaker’s down here somewhere.”
They’re not looking at you. Now’s your chance. With careful precision, you begin to creep across the floor. You go towards Susie, since she’s carefully inspecting a bizarre looking toy. She’s less likely to see you moving, whereas Noelle’s flashlight beam is roaming all around.
But luck isn’t on your side, because she shifts back, and it’s too late to stop yourself from running directly into her leg.
She reacts instantly, whirling around with a shout and kicking you hard. You and the angel fly back, bumping into Noelle, who shrieks and stumbles back. Now both flashlight beams are on you. Fantastic. At least you’re still covered by the angel. Maybe they’ll brush it off, and you can–
“Oh my gosh, this just brushed against my leg!” Noelle says, horrified.
Fantastic.
“What the hell is that?!” Susie asked.
“It’s an…it’s an angel doll,” Noelle says.
“It was goddamn moving!” Susie says, looking like she might lunge for you. You barely keep yourself from shrinking away, holding completely still.
Screw that, actually.
You try to make a break for it, but you are…not fast. You move maybe an inch, clumsy and encumbered, before you lose your nerve. Unfortunately, it was just enough for Susie and Noelle to shriek and flee, probably thinking that you’re vermin.
That’s fine, actually. Now that they’re gone, you try to wriggle the angel off, but it’s heavier than it looks, and you’re too small to do anything but shuffle weakly, like a mouse already dying from poison. You hear footsteps, and—oh, goddammit, Susie and Noelle have returned. Susie holds a candy cane decoration like a baseball bat, and Noelle is clutching a heavy metal sheet pan.
This can’t be it. There’s no way. After all you’ve been through, you’re going to get your ass handed to you in a basement that smells like fir trees? Forget the indignity of being stuffed in an empty gift box. At least you weren’t wearing an angel tree-topper then.
You don’t move, terrified that even a twitch will set them upon you.
“Okay, ready to kill,” Susie whispers. You don’t know why she’s whispering. “I got a cane, and you…”
She pauses. “You’re gonna beat it to death with a cookie pan?”
“No!” Noelle says. “I’m just going to…”
She creeps forward, and you steel yourself, pressing as flat as you can against the cement floor. But instead of whacking you, she kneels down in one fluid motion, scraping you off the ground, the angel still covering you.
“Dude, you got guts!” Susie says, impressed.
“There’s probably just like…” Noelle shrugs. “A mouse underneath it, right? It’s nothing to be afraid of!”
(You still feel bad for hitting Noelle with so many swarms of mice in Cyberworld. It wasn’t on purpose. You just struggled with those puzzles, and feeling Kris’ judgement every time you messed it up didn’t help.)
You’re upstairs in a flash, still trapped between an angel and a cookie pan, sitting with Noelle and Susie in the living room. “Dude, wait,” Susie says, deadly serious. “Something else followed us from the basement.”
“Huh?” Noelle asks, nervous. “What?”
“THE SEVERED HAND!” Susie reaches out and grabs Noelle’s shoulder. Noelle shrieks, and then immediately starts laughing.
“Got ya,” Susie says, smug, but she's laughing too. “Anyway, what do we do with it? Throw it out?”
She looks at you, and you’d feel sick if you had a stomach to be sick with.
“Um, let’s think about it first,” Noelle says. “If it’s a mouse, it could be cute as a pet.”
“Heh, alright,” Susie says. “And if it’s a severed hand, I’ll keep it as MY pet.”
“Wait, let me raise it too!” Noelle grins.
“We’ll raise it together,” Susie promises, and they both laugh at that.
“It’s funny,” Noelle says. “I was…I was so nervous earlier. I’ve never actually hung out with you, y’know? But so far, it just feels like…I don’t even know why I was…nervous? It just feels like I already know you.”
“Yeah, I, uh,” Susie coughs. “I feel the same. It’s pretty cool. I guess.”
You’re still holding completely still. You’ve gotten over the guilt of being a voyeur to these kinds of conversations a long time ago.
“It’s just strange,” Noelle says. “It feels like you’re the same as in my dream.”
Noelle’s face blanches suddenly, and she looks away. Right, you had nearly forgotten; Susie’s nervous lie to Noelle that her adventure in Cyberworld had been nothing but a dream. It was hard to tell if Noelle actually bought it then, but it seemed like she believed it now. In the light of the day, the Dark World must have felt like nothing more, with reality bending at the edges like a well-read book.
“Uh, what was,” Susie is suddenly very interested in looking at everything except Noelle. “Was your dream about me, uh, like?”
(It’s actually worse than watching two Alphi try to interact, you decide)
“H-huh?!” Noelle sputters, suddenly blushing furiously. She’s also trying not to look at Susie, and then she steps away like she’s been stung. “I mean, I have to–!”
She whirls around, practically running out of the room. “I have to, um, find my old hamster cage!”
Susie leaps to her feet, but you can see she’s smiling. “Hey, wait, I want to hear about your dream!”
You start to relax, planning an escape, and then freeze in terror when Susie stops dead in her tracks, fixing you with a glare that seems nearly deadly. She points at you, and you wither, suddenly terrified that she sees you, really sees you, and oh god, you don’t even know how to defend yourself–
“Don’t move a GODDAMN inch,” she hisses, and sprints after Noelle.
The second she leaves the room, you start moving.
The birdcage was bad enough. You do NOT want to be in a hamster cage. Besides, you still have a job to do.
You push against the angel, and after a minute of hard work, you manage to shove off the edge of the table. The angel falls on its side, hitting the carpet with a soft thud, freeing you. It’s still dark, but you can navigate well enough.
You make a break for a stairs, cursing your slow speed, and to your shock and excitement, you find that the door is open. Dess’ room is practically on display. Maybe you should feel guilty about snooping…but you’re not really snooping, are you? You’re investigating, because you’re only here for one thing. In and out. Some of that is because you’re too scared to being discovered to properly explore, but all the same. It’s not snooping if you’re saving the world.
You wonder what would have happened if Susie and Noelle saw you. Surely they’d be amazed, confused, and maybe even a little frightened of you. They’ve never seen a human Soul, you don’t think, and they’ve certainly never seen one like this.
But then, you don’t really know if that’s what you are anymore. Kris must have had a Soul before you arrived. Otherwise they wouldn’t even be alive, right? So where did it go? Did you displace it?
You know you must come from somewhere. You’re not from the Other Place, though you used to think that. Now you recognize that as a lie you told yourself. You never belonged there either, not really. You had total control there, but that didn’t mean it was your home. You were never there completely. You never felt hunger or exhaustion or cold from the long trek through the Underground. You never felt real fear from being chased or pursued for the power you held. You never felt the pain of being hit with an attack.
And you never felt warm. You never tasted any of the food, just felt the boost it gave you. You never felt Undyne pat your shoulder in a sort of bizarre, chaotic camaraderie when you burned her house down. You never felt the Whoopee cushion deflate in Sans’ hands, not even that first time when the surprise was new and it actually amused you. You never felt Toriel’s arms around you, safe and kind, even as you commanded your Vessel to hug her back.
None of it was ever your’s. Not their hope, their dreams, their love. It was for your Vessel. They never even knew you were there.
Maybe…maybe that’s why you did what you did.
You hadn’t started off like this. You had never wanted to hurt anyone for a long, long time. Once you realized your adventure had a limit, you tried it again, and tried to do it better. You tried to do it in less time. You tried to collect as much gold as possible just for the hell of it. You tried not to get hit in any of the fights you entered. You spoke to everyone, did everything, and brought them to the Surface over, and over, and over again. You saved them so many times.
And one day you just…you just got curious.
It was a Froggit, early on, when Toriel wasn’t looking. It was easy to kill it. It blew away like dust, because that’s all it was, like it never existed.
You immediately reloaded, horrified, but nothing happened. You brought them to the Surface again, and it was fine.
The next time, you let it stick.
Asgore died in this one, and he didn’t come back. You still escaped, but no one followed with you. Interesting.
You discovered that there are many combinations to an ending that still turns out the same. You escape, and discover a motley of fates for the Underground. There’s variety, which is interesting after doing the same thing so many times, but it doesn’t matter. The end was still the same. The adventure ends. You leave. And then you do it again.
Flowey (he has been a thorn in your side–pun intended, and Sans would like that–since the beginning, even at your kindest) comments on it sometimes. You knew that he could remember you, sort of, but you find you don’t care much. He doesn’t even have a Soul. He’s not a human or a monster. What right does he have to speak on anything? He’s a bizarre science project gone wrong, like if a soda volcano suddenly decided to become a nuisance for no other reason than it was bored.
It surprises you that you think this, actually. Flowey used to be Asriel, and you love Asriel. You think. You can’t really remember. It’s been so long.
But none of it matters. None of it sticks. At the end, it’s all the same.
So one day, you come back, and…well.
You were just curious.
You just wanted to see what would happen.
You could just undo it, like you always do.
And it was so…new.
You try not to think about it now, but even so, you remember the absolute thrill it gave you, seeing how different everything was as you slaughtered your way through the people who had loved and cared for you a million times over. And by now, you were a beast, entering every fight with an expertise that surprised even yourself. It was so damn easy, and you were amazed that you had never tried this before.
When you got to Undyne, and were hit for the first time in a long time, you discovered something: it hurt.
You nearly laughed out loud. You could feel it now, the exhaustion in your tiny body, the toll that all those deaths had taken on you physically. Your sweater was wet from the rain, and you were shivering. It hurt, it hurt a lot, and you had never felt so good before.
She killed you, and you came back with a grin.
It was tough, it was a delicious challenge that you had never faced before. But every time she killed you, you came back, and you came back a little better.
Eventually, she fell too. And you continued.
Finally, after all this time, you felt it. You felt thick, gritty dust scraping your face as it passed you by. You felt the hands of stupid, brave monsters try to push you back when they realized they had made a terrible mistake in trying to defend their home from you. You tasted the food you bought and stole and took by force, and you laughed out loud in the middle of fights from it. You had never laughed before. By the time you nearly reached the end, you were having so much fun that you were nearly screaming with glee as you fought Sans, like you were on the most thrilling rollercoaster ever conceived.
The Vessel was inconsequential. It was you now, stalking your way through the Underground, carving a deadly path through a civilization that you had never belonged to. If it wasn’t meant to be your’s, you would take it by force. And by God, you fucking took it.
But…it ended. It was always going to end. And like waking up from a bad dream, you looked out on something that was silent except for a blowing wind, empty except for a hungry spirit who was far stronger than you, and devoid of any more feeling. You had used it all up.
You refused the hungry spirit's offer to continue your murder spree to a new world. You didn't even know what it meant, but it didn't sound nearly so easy to erase. But they didn't let you go so easily. Now, it was your turn to fall in one quick, painful slash that lit up in the world in agony before-silence. Nothing. That was it. That was all. It was over.
You went to the strange place between adventures, a silent place with an option to Continue or an option to Quit, and you tried to scream.
Why did I do that? Why did I do that? Why did I hurt them? I don’t hate them, I love them, I have to love them, why did I do that? What did I do? What have I done?
You Reset, practically frantic to do so. What else could you do?
But it was too late. It was always too late.
You didn’t know, in the Other Place, that your actions would leave scars on the world itself, like little ley lines that lead from one murder to the next, murders that only you and a few others remember. And the others never let you forget it. You try not to wonder how many more look at you with an unease they couldn’t place, and you fail when you try not to think about it. You couldn’t make yourself look anyone in the eyes, terrified that they might look at you with well-deserved anxiety instead of misplaced love.
You didn’t know they’d remember. You didn’t know it’d stick like that. Otherwise you never…you never would have done it. Right? You wouldn’t hurt them and then undo it just because you could, right?
You don’t know, not anymore. But there was nothing left here for you now.
You took them to the Surface once more, watched them gaze upon the sun with rapturous awe, and knowing that those scars would reopen without your presence, you left.
It was the best you could do. You wonder what they’re doing, sometimes, if your Vessel is happy. You wonder if your Vessel remembers clearing out the Other Place, turning it into a silent wasteland of ghostly memories, a thick, choking dust drifting through the air like smoke.
But there was no fire. Only you.
Mostly, you wonder if that hungry spirit has taken over in your absence. You can never know. Whenever you try to look, you end up right back where you begin, in the ruins with Flowey grinning at you like he knows a secret. And he does.
You can’t check on them. You can’t know. The people you met, the world you helped shape, the lives you changed forever are no longer your’s to view. The only option now is to Reset, and you won’t do that.
And then the Strange Man found you in that in-between place. You don’t know how long you had been there, alone and wracked with so much guilt you could almost feel it like you once felt pain. He offered you a new place, a new world, a new adventure where you wouldn’t be lonely anymore. A true new beginning.
You don’t know if he knows what you’ve done (he probably does), but you knew what to do now. This was a second chance, a real one. A world where you never hurt anyone. A world where you could make things better and keep them better. You won’t give into cruel curiosity this time. This time, you’ll be better.
And you’ve been better. You’ve been more than better, actually. You’ve been good, genuinely good and kind to the people around you. You haven’t raised your fists once to fight, and every time you’ve discovered a weapon, you either left it or pawned it off to the first shop you come across. You’ve spared everyone, and you were rewarded for it! Why wouldn’t you be?
But even now…it’s still not your’s, is it? More than ever, this world seems keen on reminding you that you’re an interloper. No one knows you, and the one person who does hates you bitterly for the simple act of your existence.
You’re thinking about all of this as you enter Dess’ room, and it’s only when you realize something is coming at you fast that you remember that you didn’t check your corners.
Something hits you, hard enough to knock you down, and you fall against the guitar. It makes a discordant noise, and you lie there, stunned and unable to move. It didn’t hurt, but it did the closest thing to hurt that you can feel, which isn’t much.
It’s not a big surprise when Kris crawls out from under the bed, like a zombie rising from the grave. They shuffle towards you like one too, slouched and struggling. You don’t understand why they keep doing this to themselves. Clearly whatever they were trying to do is done now, why don’t they just put you back? They can’t keep this up forever.
They snatch you up, and you feel real fear, and–
“Did you just hear that?” You hear Noelle’s voice downstairs, and Kris freezes, looking startled. “It sounded like a guitar.”
“Huh?” Susie says. “It’s probably just Kris, like the other stuff…oh, hell dude, it’s gone! The angel fell over! That thing could be anywhere!”
Kris looks at you, irritation written across their face, and you squirm.
“It had to have been coming from…” Noelle trails off, and you hear footsteps coming up the stairs.
In a second, Kris snatches up the guitar, and takes themselves, you, and their new item inside the closet, silently shutting the door behind them.
You wriggle, but Kris’ grip grows tighter as you hear Noelle and Susie enter the room. “It’s quiet,” you hear Noelle say.
“Yeah, well, it’s probably scared of us,” Susie says.
You hear something shift, and you think that’s Susie sitting down, probably on or near the bed. You hear Noelle give a tiny gasp. “Susie…” she says. “Touching that…isn’t…”
“Let’s just chill out,” Susie says. “If it’s gonna come out, we’ll hear it.”
After a moment, you hear Noelle join Susie. “Yeah, you’re right. We’ll hear it if it makes noise.”
Kris glares at you like this is your fault, which…okay, maybe it is a little. Fine. Not like you intended for this.
Kris goes to set down the guitar, and this time, you manage to break free. You immediately go for the guitar, looking for the code–
Something heavy hits you again, and you fly back to the edge of the closet, stunned. Kris is looking at you fiercely, clutching a hockey stick, and stanced up like they’re willing to do serious damage. Though it’s hard to take them seriously when you can see they’re leaning against the wall for support.
You press yourself flat against the wall, trying to avoid the swing of the hockey stick. Kris stands on their tiptoes, wobbly and clenching their teeth, trying to poke at you uselessly. They look seconds away from collapse, and yet they can’t conceal their hatred for you. Noelle and Susie are still speaking just outside the door, and you’re trying to listen and avoid getting hit at the same time. There has to be a way out of this.
You try to move, and bump into a creepy holiday figure. It immediately starts laughing in its off-putting way, and Kris rushes to turn it off, panicked. You take the opportunity to race across the closet, going for the guitar, and–
BAM! Back at the edge of the closet again, dizzy from the strike, and Kris is looking at you with a smug smile, eyes-lidded and unfocused.
You watch them for a moment, suddenly scared of them. Not for yourself, but for them. How far are they willing to go? How much would they hurt themselves? Hurt others? What has made them so convinced that their path is right? But you’re only their Soul. Not their mind. And you’re not even doing a good job at being their Soul at that.
This can’t continue.
You can’t keep waiting on them. Even if it’s the harder path, you can’t wait around for them to be bored of this game. Susie and Noelle are counting on you. Undyne is counting on you. The world is counting on you.
You move within range, and Kris raises the hockey stick to strike you. But instead of moving to dodge, or making a desperate pass for the guitar, you charge them.
Their eyes widen, comically shocked just for a moment, and then–
You’re starting to think none of this is real, not in any way that matters to you except in how you choose for it to be real. None of this matters. Not the world, not its people, nothing. Your choices don’t matter, even if you make the right ones. But you want to make those choices anyway. You choose, now, to fight for the first time. To fight for control.
Time is funny when you re-enter Kris. It feels like ages when you do this, but to the rest of the world, it takes less than a second. Still, it feels different this time.
Kris fights you, and they fight hard, harder than they ever have before. It startles you, and you feel your control slipping almost instantly, like tripping over a crack in the sidewalk. You hadn’t expected this.
Kris’ body jerks, and they fall into a wall, pounding on their chest. You feel yourself rattle, and Kris hits themselves again, this time with more purpose, trying to be as quiet as possible with Susie and Noelle right outside, unaware. They’re hurting themselves, but they’re hoping to hurt you more. This is what you’re dealing with, someone who’s willing to destroy themselves to destroy you. You need to stop this.
You dig your metaphorical nails into Kris’ non-metaphorical skin, and you feel them shudder. They’re still fighting you, wild with freedom, and you don’t know if you have the strength to re-enter them if they manage to fight you off this time. You’ll be able to eventually, but not for some time. Who knows what could happen in that time?
Stop fighting! You say, or you think it. You’re still not sure if you have a voice outside your thoughts, but you try anyway. As usual, they do not respond. Please, stop fighting! I don’t want to hurt you!
They ignore you, and lurch forward, on their hands and knees. With desperation, they slam their head into the ground. It’s carpeted, at least, but the impact still make you stutter, and Kris thrashes and claws at you, like a fox trying to escape a trap by gnawing off a limb.
Stop! You plead, desperate. We want the same things! I just want to help! Let me help! You’ll hurt yourself! Please!
It’s already hurting them. But it would just be over if they let you take control. You feel bad, you really do, but there isn’t any other choice. You need to protect Hometown, the Dark World…it’s all up to you.
Please, please, you cajole, and Kris is wheezing now, exhausted. They’re tiring themselves out, and your hold strengthens. I care about everyone, just like you do. Just as much as you do–
Kris stiffens, and for a second, you think the fight is over. But that stillness was just enough for you to relax the tiniest bit, and in that tiny bit, Kris reaches inside with enough speed to make you gasp, and you feel their fist close around you.
You decide they, in fact, can hear you, in some way.
You gasp, and cling onto…something, you don’t know. Whatever it is, it hurts, because Kris’ teeth clench, and even as they pull with all their strength, they’re shaking and sweating. But they refuse to make a peep, and you have the bizarre notion that it’s as much out of pride as it is out of a desire to stay hidden.
Like a switch being flipped, all the wheedling desperation inside you hardens into anger.
You have done nothing but been kind. You’ve tried to protect them, tried to protect everyone. Never once did you hurt anyone Kris cares about. But they don’t care. They never cared. All that matters to them is getting rid of you. When this adventure ends, they’ll celebrate. Whether you save the world or not, it doesn’t seem to matter. They just hate you.
How dare they. They don’t know. They don’t know how lucky they are. They don’t know about the Other Place, a dim world with desperate people, resorting to subsisting off of trash to survive. A world where everyone they know led dull and meaningless lives. A world one weak monarch away from falling into anarchy. A world where Asgore and Toriel parted on even worse terms. A world where Asriel is already dead, and is now something worse than the most terrifying movie monster.
And Kris has everything. A family who loves them, friends who think they’re the best thing since sliced bread, a home filled with fresh air, with nothing but harmless pollen floating on the breeze. Their people grew up with birdsong and rain that didn’t taste and smell like garbage. A world where they don’t sit under the shadow of six dead human children, with everyone aching to make them the seventh. A world that does not know a war, a cave, or a hungry spirit that lurks at the edges of your Resets.
They have the sun. And they would throw it all away just to piss you off.
Don’t they know how lucky they are? Don’t they know how you ache for just a smidgen of what they have? You don’t want to have to be here either. You ache for a life. You crave to have something that you don’t have to borrow. You aren’t asking for much. You just want to feel the sun on your face. You want to taste the pie. You want to smell the clean sheets on your bed, feel rested and full.
You want to feel someone’s arms around you, feel the pressure and the warmth, and know they’re hugging you. That they love you. Not the Vessel you pilot, you.
You want anything but that empty place you come from, drowning in guilt and regret. You wish you had never known of these worlds, so filled with light and love and feeling, because now you covet it endlessly. You would do unspeakable things for it. You have done unspeakable things for it.
And Kris…Kris has no idea what they have. They don’t care what they have. What a stupid, spoiled child. Goddamn brat, This world has been so easy on them that they take it for granted. They think they’re entitled to it, entitled to toss you aside for their own idiotic little plans, unwilling to look ahead and see the consequences, because–god fobird–what if they were forced to self-reflect?
The anger turns to strength, like nothing you’ve ever felt. Your grip on Kris is no longer loose, and they let go of you, jerking their hand away like you’ve burned them. You take command instantly, and Kris’ body stiffens like a corpse. Their head snaps backwards, slamming against the wall with a loud thunk. A pained gasp escapes their lips, but you don’t care.
STOP THIS! you scream, or whatever counts for screaming with you. Kris whimpers, twitching like they’re on the edge of seizing. You ignore it. YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE I COME FROM! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS LIFE COULD BE! DO YOU WANT THAT WORLD?! DO YOU WANT THAT?! DARKNESS AND CAVERNS?! ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILIES TRAPPED UNDERGROUND FOR SO LONG THEY FORGOT WHAT THE SUN LOOKS LIKE?!
Kris’ eyes shut tight, and you force them open, even though you’re just staring at the ceiling. YOU HAVE EVERYTHING! You howl. YOU HAVE EVERYTHING, AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WITH IT?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! STOP FIGHTING ME!
At the mention of fighting, Kris jerks, trying to take back control. Your rage builds to a crescendo. You can’t take it any longer. The constant battle, the loneliness, the feeling that whatever happens next will be both unavoidable and entirely your fault. You can’t stop it, but you have to try. If you don’t, it’s like you never left that final chamber, staring down a hungry spirit who tells you that you aren’t in control, and maybe never were, and–
Kris reaches for their chest, and you explode.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE MESSING WITH?! You demand. DO YOU THINK I’M SOMEONE TO BE PLAYED WITH?! LOOK.
And…you don’t know how. You didn’t know you could do this. But you show them.
You show them that second to last run in the Other Place, the one where you cleared out the Underground. You show them how you killed them, with perfect efficiency. You show them how quickly you found the ones that hid, how they began to flee as stories of you spread. You show them your glee and excitement, how happy you were to do this, how pleas and terror fell on deaf ears.
You show them killing people they know. Sans. Undyne. Chasing down their classmates. Asgore’s death.
You show them how you killed their mother. It was so, so easy. She wasn’t even trying to fight you.
The reaction is instantaneous.
Kris lurches forward with a choked noise, like a scream got stuck in their throat. They struggle to breathe, scrabbling at their chest as if they can escape what you showed them. They’re making tiny noises of animal terror, tugging at their hair in bizarre, rhythmic motions. They huddle in the corner of the closet, knocking over the guitar and curling into a ball as if hiding from something they have no chance of defeating. Because they are, aren’t they? It’s just that the thing they’re hiding from has already found them.
The closet door slides open, and Kris flinches–
“Dude!” Susie says, her voice so quiet you can barely hear it. She’s grinning wickedly, and maybe blushing a little. You forgot about her. “Stop making so much goddamn noise!”
She can’t see you and Kris, since you’re in the corner, obscured by shadow. It’s probably for the best. You don’t know what Kris’ expression is, but you can guess that it would raise some concern if Susie could see it.
“You’re supposed to be searching for clues, dumbass!” Susie says, snatching up the guitar and slamming the door shut. Kris makes no effort to stop her, pressing their head against their knees. It must hurt–they hit their head several times.
You do nothing. You sit in total, numb shock.
Why did I do that? Why did I do that? Why did I hurt them? I don’t hate Kris, I love them, I have to love them, why did I do that? What did I do? What have I done?
You know the answer, you think. It’s always been the same answer since the very beginning. You did it because you could, and no one could really stop you, not in any way that mattered.
You suddenly wonder if your Vessel from before wanted to stop you. You wonder if they tried to fight you, and you just never noticed. They were so much smaller than Kris, after all, much younger. Maybe they just never had the strength to fight you off.
You could undo this. Or at least you could try to. You don’t know if Kris can remember Resets, but now would be a good time to check. You could take this back, see if they recall the nightmare you forced them to witness, and if they don’t, you can try another route to reason with them. And if they do remember, at least you tried.
But you don’t Reset. You sit still, and listen to Susie and Noelle leave the room.
Kris begins to cry.
It’s a quiet sound, like most their sound is. They’re biting into their sweater sleeves to muffle themselves, but their body trembles hard, wracked with terror and grief for a world they never experienced. You don’t explain to them what or who Flowey is. You think your point has been made without that revelation.
You let them cry, and then sob in near silence, refusing to explain or excuse yourself. You did those things. No one made you do them. If your choices don’t matter here, they did in that Other Place, and you abused them. You have to live with it. You have no choice.
You recall, suddenly, the hungry spirit’s words: Let us erase this world and move on to the next one.
Is this the new world they spoke of? Have you invited something else in? You never even considered it until now. It terrifies you, and you suddenly tense in waiting for a bloodied face in the shadows that never comes. Nothing ever comes. Despite everything, it’s still you.
You don’t know how long it is before Kris stops crying, but eventually, they do.
Get up, you say, your tone flat. You’ve lost your chance forever to make Kris your ally, you know that now. The best you can hope for is compliance out of fear. If that’s what it takes to save the world…fine.
Kris doesn’t stand, so you make them. They gasp, surprised by your control even now, and they make their body stiff in a weak show of defiance. But they’re too scared to do anything more.
Ralsei told you that the Dark World is a place so dark, that things come back, and you can see in it, you say. Do you remember, Kris?
Kris says nothing. They grit their teeth so hard they scrape, and it makes an awful noise.
I am from the opposite. A place so bright it goes black. A place so flooded with light it becomes dark again. A place with the sun turned up so much that there is NOTHING but me. Do you hear me, Kris? NOTHING. I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, EVERYTHING TO GAIN! DO YOU WANT TO KEEP THIS UP?! DO YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!
Kris doesn’t flinch, but you feel them shudder. A few tears escape their eyes. You feel them roll down their face from a million miles away. You want to chase that ghost of a feeling, but stop yourself. If you start, you’ll never stop, and that only brought pain and heartbreak last time.
You don’t know if what you’ve said is true, but it sounds right. Why wouldn’t you be from a place where the light takes everything and leaves you in a paradoxical dark? Why not? It doesn’t matter, not really.
We are going to clean ourselves up, you say calmly. We are going to be nice to Susie and Noelle. We are going to find the code in that guitar, and save Undyne. And you, Kris, are going to stop fighting me. Do you understand me? I don’t want to have to do what I’ve shown you, not again. But if you keep this up…I will stop being so goddamn nice. You can’t fight me off forever. You know that. You’ll slip up and when you do…
You let the threat trail off, and Kris’ breathing grows quick and shallow. You think you hear them gag, but you’re not sure.
Do you mean this threat? You don't know. You don't know anything anymore. You hope you don't, but you've always been good at surprising yourself.
Do you understand? You ask.
Kris says nothing, fighting a panic attack.
I will assume you do, you say. Stop fucking testing me. Walk to the bathroom.
You feel their confusion. You’re in control, you can make them, but you don’t.
Do it yourself, you say, and feel a bit of a thrill that makes you so disgusted with yourself that you can hardly stand it. Go to the bathroom. Prove that you can understand basic instructions, and we won’t have to have any more problems today, now will we?
You don’t know if Kris can hear your words, or just intrinsically knows what you want. Maybe it’s a bizarre mix of words and images. It doesn’t matter, because after a long moment, they reluctantly begin to trudge out of the room and down the hall, pressed against the wall. Susie and Noelle are laughing, and don’t notice them.
They duck into the bathroom, shutting the door behind them and practically stumbling to the sink, turning the cold tap on. You tense, half-expecting for them to make a grab for you like last time, but they lean forward, staring at their red and puffy eyes. They lift their bangs, staring at a nasty bruise forming on their forehead. At least their hair covers it.
You let Kris splash water on their face and suck greedily from the tap. Their hands are shaking badly, and you hope they can get that under control before Susie and Noelle see them. You don’t really know how you can explain it away. It’s fine. You’ll think of something.
Kris takes a shaky breath, and stares into the mirror. Their expression is filled with so much open hate that it scares you for a second. No one has ever looked at you like that, not here, and not in the Other Place. And what makes it worse is that you know the hate is for you. Not your Vessel, you.
You realize in that second that you would have always come here, no matter what it would have done to Kris, no matter what their opinions on the matter were. It would have eaten you up with guilt, you would have agonized over it, but you would have done it. You had to leave the empty place too much. And if it wasn’t here, it would have eventually been the Other Place. Maybe you would have even killed everyone again.
Be nice, Kris, you say, and you know you sound dull. Our friends are here.
Kris glares at you once more, and you know in that moment they will never stop fighting you. They’ll just have to do it differently now. And you’ll have to be ready. You’ll have to be on guard. Whether they love you, hate you, or fear you, you’re going to save this world.
You leave the bathroom, assuming control without a fuss this time, and you think of something–the other Save files. You have three, and you’re currently in your first one. You had intended to ignore those other files and focus on this one, but…well.
You never had more than one file in the Other Place. You were trapped to one path, one route, one adventure at a time. But here there are options. There are choices. If your choices don’t matter, why are there always so many?
There are things you’re curious about. Things you never got a chance to investigate. Rooms that went unexamined. Conversations you never had. Spells that your friends had that you never tried, ones with interesting names, which probably have interesting results.
As you climb down the stairs, putting on a brave face for Susie and Noelle, who greet you with a smile, you wonder what will happen.
You always like to find out what could happen. So much could. And like everyone keeps reminding you, it's not like it matters. You've never understood Flowey more.
Maybe in one of those files, you’ll finally find a home.
But probably not.