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It’s already 1:00 a.m and way too quiet, allowing all the thoughts that shouldn’t be there to flood my brain. I’m trying to find something to distract myself but I know it’s going to be worthless. It never works and in all honesty I should know better than to try anymore, but the hope that it might work fills my body every time I become like this. After all, I’m only human.
It’s funny, humans allow themselves to fill themselves with false hopes only to be let down time and time again. They know somewhere deep in their subconscious that it won’t work out, but they don’t pay enough attention, too stuck up on the ‘maybe’.
Nights like tonight aren’t always caused by something, although tonight it’s just that I read something that hit me too deep, making the thoughts that my parents have tried to thoroughly convince me are bad when I was younger not seem so bad.
Maybe I shouldn’t try to distract myself. Maybe I can do both. Maybe I should.
I grab the phone that I had ditched beside myself a while ago. I don’t know what my plan was, but I immediately went and found his contact.
Me: Hey.
I haven’t messaged him since our fight a while ago. I’ve lost count of the days. It couldn’t have been more than a month ago though, right?
I checked the last message.
08/02/2026.
Over a month ago. Has it really been that long?
I wasn’t expecting him to be up so late, but then the dots that signify his typing appeared and I suddenly became nervous. Over what? I’m not sure.
It wasn’t long before they disappeared again and I set the phone down, still nervous.
I dig my pointer finger into the skin of my thumb with enough pressure for it to swell almost immediately after I removed it. I do it again. It felt good, but not good enough to rid the feeling scratching under the skin of my wrist.
Fuck, nope. Can’t do that. I swore never to do it again, but what good are words worth if the person you told them to don’t give two shits anymore? I try to hold myself back nonetheless. If I’m not going to try for him I might as well try for myself. I know I don’t care at all, but there could be a possible future somewhere.
My screen lights up.
Minho: Hi.
The nervous feeling grows as I type back a response and delete it only to type the same thing over again.
Me: How are you?
It may be wrong to ask, I have a strong feeling that I already know, but I need conversation. Anything to distract myself.
Just like before the dots appear and disappear but this time they come back.
Minho: Jisung, why are you messaging me at this hour?
Like I expected; he completely ignored the question. Typical Minho.
I made the decision to tell him a partial truth.
Me: I wanted to apologize.
Minho: You have exceeded that due date.
Me: I know. I’m so sorry. I should have texted sooner.
His words don’t make me feel any better. The dots appear and so does another message.
Minho: Yeah, you should have.
Me: Can we call?
Minho didn’t respond for a few minutes, leaving me in regret and worry before my phone buzzed and I saw Minho’s name. I picked it up almost immediately.
The line was silent aside from his breathing on the other end. It was heavier than usual but I know he wouldn’t want me to mention it.
“What do you want?” Minho asked, sternly. Although his voice was cold as stone it was still nice to hear his voice again.
I pause, not knowing what to say.
“I miss you,”
“Jisung-”
He stopped like he was cut off but I didn’t say anything and still couldn’t hear anything but his voice and heavy breathing.
“I-” My voice cracked “I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone.”
Just as I was pulling my phone away from my ear his voice rang through again.
“No, please don’t”
“I shouldn’t have said those things to you, I know it was wrong of me but I wasn’t myself. You know that. None of it was true. Please believe me,” I pleaded on the verge of tears.
“I’m sorry, too.”
There was silence after that. It was the heavy and not peaceful kind. The kind that sent shivers down your spine if it stayed for too long. He didn’t let it get that far.
“How have you been?” Minho asked so quietly I almost missed it.
“Fine, I guess. I’m not any better than I was but I kept my promise.” I said back, “How about you?”
“Me too, except I’ve started self harming.”
“Oh, Minho. I’m so sorry. I should have known better.”
Silence fell again, just not the same kind. This one was sad and filled with such solemnity that even a mourning father couldn’t exert.
“Why did you make me call you, Jisung?”
“I needed something to ground me. Your voice does that,” I said, completely truthful.
“Oh.”
“Why did you do it?”
“I don’t know how I couldn’t.”
That explanation was enough for me, I understood completely. He kept explaining nonetheless.
“You know I can never say no to you. My mind has been flooded with you, only you and the memory of your voice that was beginning to fade and I needed to hear it again.”
“I’m sorry,” I couldn’t do this anymore. “I need to go. It’s nothing you did, I promise. I just remembered I have some meeting for work early in the morning.”
“Oh, okay.” He said quietly, hopefully not remembering that I am unemployed. “Goodnight Jisungie.”
“Goodnight hyung.”
Fuck. I need to write something. Anything. I scavenge the pig sty my room has become for a notebook and pencil. I don’t know how long this will be.
I sit back down on my bed and begin.
In the first 7 seconds is when someone is determined to be friend or foe.
It was in the first 3 seconds I knew you were a friend, and by 7 I knew you were going to be more.
I am not sure if you even knew it yet though.
Either way I was going to try ‘till I was sore.
In the end it worked out.
Or for the most part at least.
Then I let in all my doubt
And revealed to you my true, possible beast.
I didn’t mean to make it a poem. It just happened like that.
In my darkest days you stayed by my side
Pulling me out of my own head only for me to run right back to it.
All of my dumb, childish shenanigans you let slide,
And then I went and fucking blew it.
You were all I ever wanted. All that anyone could ever want,
You are way too good for this cruel world.
And I know it’s something you would never flaunt,
But you always knew how to get my fists unfurled.
Sitting here right now, with no heavy warmth beside me,
I suddenly realize how great I had it.
How stupid could i possibly be
To have let myself take something I knew from the start I’d never be able to quit?
A tear I didn’t realize was falling dropped onto the page. I’m done with the poem.
I know I fucked up. I knew it as all those horrible words were falling out of my mouth before I could stop them. I’m sure you could see the fear in my eyes as the drug influenced words made their way into your head. I’m the same. I always will be. I know you know that just as well as I do. You probably know stuff about me that I don’t even know. You’ve always been able to tell when things were wrong, often times before me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. I’m sorry I was too stuck up that I couldn’t tell you were hurting. I am sorry I called you a lazy pig. I was wrong, the lazy pig has been me the entire time.
I make up my mind. I know what this is. Deep down I knew the entire time.
It’s not your fault. It never was. Nothing has ever been your fault, it has always been me. I’m the reason I’m without a job, I’m the reason you almost lost yours, I am why you no longer have any friends. It has been me the whole time and I was too fucking lazy to notice, much less do anything about it.
You were always perfect. So perfect for me, my love. I’m the one who went and screwed everything up. It’s nothing new. I’ve been doing it since I was young, my parents even told me so.
I love you. I don’t think there will ever be a part of me that doesn’t. I have always loved you. Nothing has changed, except maybe for the fact that I have opened up my eyes to the reality of it all. When you called me ‘Jisungie’ on the phone tonight I almost broke down into tears. I missed it so much. Not only the name you gave me but your voice and you too. You are and always will be my everything. I know that may not mean a lot to you, but it means a lot to me. If you are ever reading this, I’m sorry, but it was the only way to not fuck your life up even more. To not hurt the people around me.
I’ve always been quite the logistical person, so being me, I went over almost every possible outcome of all the years following and almost all of them consisted in most of my friends not only being happier, but safer too.
It wasn’t a lie. I’ve thought about this many times before.
I know this may seem big and scary right now, but overtime you’ll see why I did it.
Please don’t take this too hard, dear. I know you feel big. I’m so sorry. I wish I didn’t have to be this way, then maybe we could have worked out. I love you. You big little baby. I will always be yours. You can hurt me, I don’t care, but I know I’ve hurt you and I cannot bear with that weight any longer. Goodbye love, take care.
-Jisung
I put down the note book and paper, shaking now as tears rolled down my face at a steady pace. Everything was true. It was all my fault and this was the only way I could prevent myself from running back to him like I always do. I label that one MINHO'S, I still have to write one for Felix.
Dear Felix,
I know we haven’t talked in a while. It’s my fault. I couldn’t handle it when things went south with Minho. I love you. You will always be my best friend. You’ve done nothing but try to help me and talk some common sense into me and how did I repay you? I blocked you out and left you. I know I shouldn’t have done it that way. If I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t be here writing this letter. I know you hate me. I know you hate me even more after this, but this is the only way I didn’t resort to the same old habits that I every time swear I kicked only to prove myself wrong time and time again.
The pencil is kind of smearing, I hope he can read it.
Tell Chan and Changbin that I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said that shit to them either. I fucked up big time and I know I did. I cannot apologize as much as I want to. This letter would be about 10 or even more notebooks longer.
I’m sorry. I wish this wasn’t the only way to keep you safe. If I hadn’t been this way we could maybe still be friends. I love you. Please know that. Be safe.
-Jisung hyung.
There is no one else I have to write to. My parents died a few years ago. I lost all my other friends when Minho and I broke up. Hell, I don’t even know why I wrote to Felix. I just hope he sees it. I don’t know what I’d do if he doesn’t.
It doesn’t matter what I’d do. I will be dead.
I walk over to my desk and grab the razor blade I swore to never touch again and my bottle of anxiety meds.
I sit back down on my bed with the items, holding the razor blade against my skin first. I drag a little, marinating in the feeling I’ve missed so much. I do it again and again, each cut getting deeper than the last. Eventually it starts stinging, but I don’t stop. I keep going. Nothing is going to keep me alive.
I put the blade down after covering my entire now red arm in cuts ranging in size and depth to grab the pills.
I forgot water. Fuck.
Screw it. I take it one pill at a time. My throat gets sore after about the third but once again it doesn’t stop me.
A throbbing pain hits me in the stomach. I assume it’s from the pills. My arm hurts like hell too.
It all fades out soon though. I can faintly feel the pain growing less and less as my consciousness begins to falter. I know I won’t be here much longer and it brings me peace. I drag my blanket over my body and lie back, close my eyes, and take the breath I know will be my last.
MINHO
I heard him muttering words through the phone and I began to get worried. I couldn’t make out most of the words but the ones I could make out didn’t sound good.
I know he is unemployed. I know he doesn’t have work tomorrow, so what could he have needed to go for?
Luckily, he didn’t hang up. I didn’t either. He knew I would have never hung up. Maybe he did it on purpose.
I get out of bed and drag a coat over my shoulders before grabbing my keys and rushing out to the car. I can only imagine what will happen next, though I try my best not to.
I keep the phone at my ear, trying to be as quiet as possible. I know I’m not doing good, but he probably doesn’t have the phone to his ear. Hopefully he doesn’t.
I’m going as fast as I can without breaking any laws and make it to his house in about 45 minutes. I know where he lives, but by now the muttering has stopped. I used to live there with him. Too bad I don’t anymore.
Before I know it I am up the elevator to his apartment. It’s been too long since I’ve been here that I have to check before I do anything. It’s only been a month but that is so long when you’re without your lover.
Room 3B
I enter without knocking. I know whatever he was doing wasn’t good. I quickly make my way to his room and hear minor sounds. Maybe crying. Maybe wincing. I don’t wait to open the door. It stopped just as I twisted the handle and I saw him for the first time in a month. I burst into tears. Then I saw it.
The pool of blood staining his sheets and dropping onto the floor. The tipped over pill bottle, showing only 3 pills left. The paleness of his face.
I rushed over to him and shook him.
Nothing.
I checked his pulse.
Nothing.
I hugged him and squeezed him.
Still nothing.
Fuck, no. I am shaking so hard I can’t breathe. I haven’t really been able to breathe all night though.
I hug him for what has to be an hour, sobbing into his arms. I know I should have called someone, probably 911 but it was too late now.
I finally lift my head only to find a notebook at the foot of his bed. I know I probably shouldn’t care, nor should I snoop, but I do anyway.
I try reading everything I can, but my eyes tear up so much that it makes it almost impossible. I shouldn’t even say tear up anymore. I am full on balling my eyes out. I don’t know how I am going to make it through tonight.
What is the point?
Nothing.
The only thing worth living for is lying right in front of me, lifeless.
Maybe I should follow his path. Maybe that too is the only way. Jisung probably didn’t calculate this outcome.
God I am so fucking pathetic.
I grab the blade that is still beside him and pull up my sleeve revealing an arm full of scars and fresh cuts.
I press the blade hard into my skin, dragging probably very similar to how Jisung did. I do it over and over again until I am painted red, almost no nude skin visible.
I don’t know what else to do, so I look around.
Nothing.
But then my eye catches something. It probably won’t work. There is hardly anything in there.
I'll try it anyway. Just like I know Jisung did, I swallowed all three of the last pills dry.
It doesn’t take long for me to start feeling drowsy. It’s not quick enough, though, so I grab the blade again and lie down beside Jisung, facing him. Although he is lifeless he is just as beautiful as ever. I slice my skin once more before my stomach clenches in pain. It won’t last long, I tell myself.
I was right. Just moments after it started my consciousness wore thin. I held on just a moment longer though, looking at Jisung and remembering his smile and laugh. I let my eyes drift close and take my final breath, breathing in Jisung's faded smell.