Work Text:
Dear God,
It’s me, one of your creations.
From the day I was born, I was taught to be obedient to You, to stay close, to bow my head, and to always need and remember You every second of my life. I was promised happiness if I did all of that.
But right now, I’m lost. I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’m supposed to do, or where I should go. I don’t know who to approach, or who to trust—I don’t even know how to trust myself anymore.
So I just want to ask: where are You?
Even someone who wants a fish knows they have to go to the sea. But I don't know where to go. A mosque? A church? A temple? Where?
When I go to the mosque, it just feels like a performance. I pray not for myself, but maybe for my parents who keep screaming at me to do it, or for my sister who suddenly became religious, or for everyone else watching.
I’ve always believed You exist. The universe couldn't just happen without a Creator, so I know You are out there. But all my life, I was told that if I draw close to You, You will reach out and help me. I tried. I really did. Until eventually, I just got exhausted.
Believe me, I still want You to be my guide. But every time I try to get closer, everything just gets harder.
I tried so hard to be an obedient child. And what did I get? I feel like a burden. I feel like I’m always wrong, like a bird in a cage—unable to fly, unable to speak up. My parents don't physically lock me up, but being near them just makes me feel completely trapped.
They say marriage is a lifelong prayer, so I tried to seek love. But my parents said I couldn't be with anyone until I had a job, and You said I couldn't be with anyone before marriage. So I followed the rules. But now that I’m at the "age to get married," I don't even want it anymore.
I’m terrified. What if I’m not good enough for my partner? What if my words hurt them? What if they can't feel free or open up to me? What if I’m just too much for them to handle?
And the scariest part is the thought of having children. I used to want kids—I even wished for twins. But now, those "what-ifs" consume me. What if I become a bad parent? What if I project too many expectations on them? What if my children grow up thinking I failed as a mother?
So, I’ve made up my mind: no marriage, no kids.
And just like that, another path to You feels gone.
So, what now?
You say we should be grateful for life, but to me, life itself feels like a punishment. You forbid taking one's own life, yet when I pray for You to just take mine, You don't grant it either. What is the point of all this?
That’s all I wanted to say.
From one of Your creations,
Me.