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Silence is a complicated concept. Someone could crave silence so badly that they would do anything to get it, but once that wish was granted everything suddenly became louder than ever before, even when constant yelling and destruction were happening. Because once all that stops, all you're left with is the thoughts inside your mind.
There always seemed to be a moment when everything became too much. Every scream felt deafening. Every slammed door sent a bang through the house, along with rattling the walls. Everything was too loud.
In the middle of all the chaos was Michael.
Black headphones that engulfed his ears sat perfectly atop his head, mindful not to mess up his hair. The volume on his phone was nearly cranked up to the highest point. Music filled his ears, doing its best to drown out all the darkness that was happening outside his room.
Michael's eyes were squeezed shut as he let the intoxicating vocals from Tyler Joseph run through his chest. In that moment, he felt every lyric from the song land somewhere close to his heart.
Car Radio.
Michael knew the song well. He had listened to it countless times, but when he needed it the most, it seemed to just… be there. Like he subconsciously put it on without thinking about what he was doing.
There was something about the song that made him feel seen. It perfectly represented what it was like to be trapped inside your own mind. It showed how it felt to be so desperate for something to muffle the nasty thoughts that invaded his brain like maggots.
So whenever Michael needed an escape, he turned it on.
Outside his bedroom, another scream pierced through the house that made him flinch back slightly. He opened his eyes long enough to click the volume up on his phone even more. A notification popped up warning him about the sound being too loud.
He couldn't find himself to care. He was used to it by now anyway. He just needed it all to disappear.
Music was the one thing that was in Michael's control. He couldn't control the yelling, slamming doors, or arguing that happened on the other side of the walls, but he could control this.
He could press play, shut his eyes, and let himself get lost in the music. For those 3 minutes, he could pretend he was somewhere else. Somewhere more comforting rather than a place that made him feel imprisoned.
For a moment, it worked. He was focused on nothing but the consistent beat of the drums, the flow of the vocals, and the rhythm of the song. Until a door slammed particularly hard, it made Michael's chest jump, as his heart had actually skipped a beat.
Michael tried to take a deep breath, but the air was thin. It caused him to cough up a lung like he was a chain-smoker. He stared at his bedroom door, suddenly too aware of how easily sound traveled through it. How every stomp sounded like it was right outside, just for him to hear. It was torture.
His breathing started to quicken. He tried to ignore it, tried to focus on the lyrics again, but now they seemed impossible to follow. The words blurred together until it all sounded like mumbling to him. Another scream after another kept coming, the sound bleeding right through the headphones. He pressed them tighter to his ears, praying that something, anything would help.
The music was still playing on full blast, but Michael could hear everything happening behind it. For the first time, the headphones, the music, it hadn't been enough.
He needed something else. Something to help him escape to the quiet.
When his eyes opened, he was flashed with light. Like when someone turns on the light when you first wake up and aren't equipped to face something so bright yet. He flinched and covered his eyes for a moment while letting them adjust.
He let the headphones fall so they sat comfortably around his neck. They no longer covered his ears, but were accessible in case he desperately needed them again.
Then he finally grabbed his phone again and turned it on. Only this time he didn’t open Spotify, or mess with the phone volume, he opened up Twitter. He didn't think about it, it was just like instinct. He scrolled through the timeline that was flooded with twenty one piolets' content. Concert photos, memes, and debates over which album was the best.
Normally, he would have a scroll through whenever he was bored and had nothing better to do, but today was not one of those days.
His eyes quickly skimmed through some of the tweets that were on his feed, but he barely registered any of them. Well, that was until he saw a familiar username in his DMs.
@banditø21
His name was Calum. They met through the Twenty One Piolts side of Twitter. He didn't know him in real life, but they would interact sometimes. He would respond to tweets, or they would find themselves in a friendly conversation about which Tyler era was their favorite, and bonding over their favorite songs.
They weren't exactly strangers, but they didn’t know each other. Not really. But for some reason, Michael did find himself smiling a lot more whenever they talked.
Calum: Do you think my neighbors are sick of hearing TØP being blasted all the time?
The text was sent 5 hours ago. It wasn't unusual for Michael to take a while to answer, but he still felt bad whenever he left someone on delivered for that long. He reread the message and felt his breathing slow slightly.
Calum would sometimes send him random messages, whether it be a meme, random things that happened to him, or something on his mind. And every time he opened the app and saw an unanswered message from him, his chest warmed.
Mikey: Have you ever thought of just turning the volume down some?
The response was immediate. He was good with that, with always having the perfect thing to say loaded.
Calum: And let them live their lives without being blessed? Never.
Michael stared down at the screen before answering. A small smile threatened to break through as he typed.
Mikey: Oh yes of course. Everyone needs to hear Car Radio at least once in their life.
His fingers moved without thought. Car Radio. Even though it wasn't with him physically, it found its way into Michael's conversation. It never left, always comforting him.
Calum: See!!! I knew you'd get me.
Another message appeared right after the last, leaving no time in between for an answer.
Calum: Car Radio is your favorite song, right?
They had talked about it before, so Michael shouldn't be surprised. But he was. He was surprised that Calum actually remembered. That he cared enough to remember what his favorite song was.
Mikey: Yeah it is. I'm surprised you remembered, to be honest.
Calum: I happen to be great at remembering stuff.
Michael laughed. It was an actual laugh too, not something forced. It was then that he noticed it wasn't completely tense anymore. His shoulders were more relaxed, and his heartbeat seemed to have slowed.
Calum: Anyways. Car Radio. It's a good one.
Mikey: You like it?
Calum: Obviously. I'm not a monster, and I have taste.
Michael laughed again, that time it was louder, less restricted. The noise downstairs didn't stop. There was still shouting, still the sounds of someone stomping, but Michael started to pay less attention to it, and put his attention to his phone, and the person behind the messages.
Mikey: Oh I'll be the judge of that. Whats your favorite song?
Calum: I'm wounded by the fact that you didn’t remember mine.
Calum: Really, I think I just felt my heart shatter into a million, tiny pieces.
Mikey: You're an idiot.
Calum: Maybe, but I'm starting to think you like that about me.
The accusation caused him to pause for a moment. His fingers hovered above the keyboard, not knowing what to say. Because, Calum was right. Some part of Michael had started to really like him and he hadn't even noticed.
Mikey: That might be a possibility. And for the record, I never claimed to have a good memory.
Calum: Haha right ;)
Michael rolled his eyes, but the smile on his face didn't falter. He glanced to his bedroom door again. The house was still loud, it hadn't stopped, and nothing had changed.
Except for Michael. He had completely calmed down, all thanks to Calum.
His phone buzzed with another new message.
Calum: My favorite is holding on to you, by the way.
Mikey: You couldn't have said that five minutes ago instead of teasing me?
Calum: Well, where's the fun in that?
Mikey: You're impossible.
Calum: You say that, but you haven't left yet so I call that a win :).
Michael didn't have a response right away. He just stared at the message, rereading it over and over again. Minutes passed until he finally answered.
Mikey: No I haven't. At least not yet.
Calum: Not ever* you mean.
Calum: Hey, can I ask you something that might be weird?
Mikey: When do you ever ask me anything even remotely normal?
Calum: Hey rude.
Calum: Ignoring that… would you want to listen to Vessel? Like together? With me? Since you know, it's both our favorite album.
That was different. They hadn't ever done anything like that before. They only shared some messages back and forth, but it never went deeper than that. Until now.
Mikey: Yes, I think I would like that a lot actually.
He glanced down at his headphones again. Earlier, they had been the only access to escape, to the quiet, but now they were just an addition. Calum had managed to do what the music couldn't, he showed Michael the light, instead of leaving him in the darkness.
Calum did that without even knowing Michael's situation, without knowing about the panic. He didn't want to let go of that.
He slipped the headphones back on and let the songs play through, while every so often giving Calum his thoughts.