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It's easy to dismiss the first time he feels it, mistaking the lightning swoop in his stomach for another rip in the Veil; the hard, war drum pounding of his heart to the deluge of demons still spewing forth after days on his feet.
The second time, Cullen can't pretend it's anything else.
His mate.
The Qunari—no, the Vashoth—holds out his hand and as Cullen takes it, the lightning crashes back in. Kaaras' eyes widen, a scar on his face stretching tight, and Cullen knows he's felt it too. There's no pretending, no hiding.
His mate is a man a full head taller than him with wickedly curving horns and enough scars to make a Templar blush.
He's beautiful.
He's a security risk.
He might have annihilated the Conclave and killed the Divine.
He's the man Cullen's going to love for the rest of his life.
They ignore it; what else can they do? They don't speak of it when Cassandra escorts Kaaras out to the Hinterlands.
Then the withdrawals hit harder. Cullen can't tell what's real or a figment, can't think through the pain, can't breathe with the sheer weight of the Chantry on his lungs.
If Cassandra were here, he'd beg her to fulfill her duty.
By the time she returns, the pain eases enough that he isn't sure he imagined it. Can figments be figments? Can the memory of pain hurt just as much as a fresh wound?
When he sees his mate for the first time in days, he nearly weeps.
They continue to ignore it.
When Kaaras leaves for Val Royeaux, Cullen dies.
At least, it feels like he does. Whatever withdrawal had been before, this is worse. Like his ribs were cracked open and his heart scooped out.
He supposes it was, in a way.
He cannot do his duty. Cassandra is gone again but this time he'd rather have begged for a sympathetic blade than just to be relieved as Commander.
He perseveres. He survives. He must.
This time when Kaaras returns, they acknowledge it. His mate had suffered as well, on the road and in the city and during the dark twilight, thinking of Cullen. Of what this all meant.
Cullen still isn't sure he can do his duty, not like this. But he can stay by his mate's side while the world falls apart around them, and that might just be enough.