Chapter Text
"You want me to do what?" Darcy stared at Phil as he sat, calmly as always, behind his desk, hands folded in front of him, suit perfectly pressed, tie impeccably done. She was beginning to think he fell asleep with his eyes open and was fairly tempted to smack at him to see. But she figured on the off chance that he wasn't asleep, he'd probably react like an Agent of SHIELD and it wouldn't end well for her. So she kept her hands in her lap, where they'd been since she sat down.
"The male Avengers need you to fill the role of dutiful girlfriend. For...certain things they'll be doing over the course of the next few weeks. They requested you specifically..." Phil said for what had to be the third time since he brought it up.
Darcy shook her head, holding up a hand. "Why would they request me?"
"I believe Dr. Banner put it best. He said you're someone they're all equally comfortable with and could help them stay comfortable in the environment they'll be exposed to, and to help them...as Stark put it...not be bored out of their minds. Plus they each thought you would do a good job at playing girlfriend for each of them." Phil explained.
"I feel sort of like a whore right now." Darcy blurted out, making a face.
Phil's slight eye widening would've been amusing to her, in any other situation, but as it was she couldn't fully enjoy it right then. "I assure you, Miss Lewis, that's not what this is. I mean if you should...that would be your choice." He turned a little red and that did in fact make Darcy grin a bit. "You would be expected to act a...certain way. But only in public."
"I see." Darcy checked her fingernails out as she thought it over. "What would I need to do? Pack and get ready for whatever we're doing..."
"All of that would be done for you." Phil said. "They know where they'll be going so they would help with that to minimize any...headaches on your part."
Darcy snorted. "I have a couple requests...and if they're met, I'll do it."
"What are they?" Phil looked intrigued, which Darcy figured was a good thing.
"I want regular manicures between trips. Plus I want files on what we're doing and what's expected of me before we go on each trip." Darcy requested, feeling like it wasn't too much to ask.
"I'll grant you both." Phil said, looking amused, which Darcy couldn't figure out. "Your first trip is in four days, I'll have a file about it delivered to your apartment."
"Oh!" Darcy snapped her fingers. "I'll need someone to look over Kenneth."
"Who's Kenneth?" Phil asked, and Darcy could almost see the panic in his eyes.
"I don't have a secret kid, Coulson." Darcy laughed when she saw Phil sigh in relief. "Kenneth is my greyhound. I got him from a rescue after I saw a documentary on what they do with retired racers. Do you know what they do with them, Coulson?"
"I am aware...I saw the same documentary." Phil admitted, grinning wryly. "I had to talk myself out of getting one myself. My life isn't conducive to having a dog. Someone will watch over your dog for you."
"You?" Darcy asked curiously.
Phil grinned. "No. Like I said, no time. I'll have Agent Fitz do it. He loves animals."
"Oh Fitz would be perfect!" Darcy grinned. "They'll get along great."
"Perfect. Anything else, Miss Lewis?" Phil asked.
Darcy wracked her brain, trying to think of something, even if only to annoy Coulson if she could. She was almost disappointed when she couldn't think of anything. "No, I guess not."
"Alright." Phil said. "Expect your first file to come tomorrow morning to give you time to study it."
"Ok, I'll get out of your hair. Starbucks is calling my name." Darcy stood and saluted Phil, heading out of his office. Before she could leave though, she turned and looked at Phil. "Won't the press and anyone with eyes realize I'm not actually a girlfriend? Oh and that I'm the same girl that's going to be with each of the guys?"
Phil sent her a patient look. "With a little hair styling, some make up tricks, you won't be caught. It'll be fine."
"Ok, whatever you say, bossman." Darcy saluted him again and walked out this time.
True to his word, the file did come the next morning. Darcy wasn't expecting it to be on her kitchen counter when she woke up and stumbled in looking for coffee, but she calmed down when she saw that Phil personally had delivered it and left a handwritten note on top that she needed better locks on her door. She sent him a snarky text saying if he wanted her to have better locks, he needed to provide them and pay for them. She was slightly shocked when he sent a text back saying someone would be coming later that day.
After feeding Kenneth and grabbing a mug of coffee (her mug was actually one that was big enough to hold almost an entire pot of coffee and whatever flavored creamer she had on hand---her current obsession was the Girlscout Cookie ones) she sat down and flipped open the file, laughing out loud when she saw Thor's picture smiling up at her. It looked like the one from the driver's license she'd helped him get. Not that he drove, since almost no one but tourists and cab drivers drove in New York, but Phil had mentioned it would be a good idea to have as ID if he ever needed to produce it for some reason. Darcy tried the argument of 'dude, he's Thor, who doesn't know who Thor is?' but it had still ended with Darcy helping Thor cram for the written and driver's test. After she'd successfully helped Thor get a driver's license, she'd taken a week long vacation to a relaxation spa---paid in full by Phil, he said she deserved it.
Flipping to the next page, Darcy started reading. She skipped over most of the 'get to know me' portion, since she was pretty sure she knew Thor better than anyone else ever and was pretty proud of that fact. She started reading about the 'mission' and realized that she would be going with Thor on what the Avengers liked to call 'good will tour' to Australia. Thor would be visiting a few local landmarks including the Australia Zoo, which Darcy vaguely remembered had been owned by Steve Irwin when he was still alive and was currently owned by his widow, Terri.
All in all it sounded like it would be a really fun trip and Darcy found herself looking forward to it. She did some quick googling and saw that Australia was 16 hours ahead of New York timezone. She checked the file and saw they were leaving from New York at 4 PM, that put them arriving in Australia at 2 PM since it was a 22 hour flight...if her math was right. Which was fairly perfect. But it also meant that she and Thor would need to get as much sleep on the plane as possible to cut down on jet lag...if Thor even felt anything so menial as jet lag. Probably not, the big jerk. Not that it was his fault but he always thought it was amusing when she blamed him for things not in his control...the weirdo.
Darcy kept thinking about it and made plans on what she wanted to bring back home with her. Of course it would depend on if the zoo had a gift shop and wherever else they went. She was almost tempted to see if she could bring back a surfboard. Not that she had plans to ever go surfing, but it would be quite interesting to have an Australian surfboard to hang on her wall...or something.
Once she read through the entire file, she felt confident she had it handled and got ready for her day.