Work Text:
‘I hope Eunseok will feel more comfortable expressing himself in the future.’
*
“Hi everyone.” Sungchan greeted Briize as he joined Eunseok’s Weverse live after the concert.
As if on cue, the two burst out laughing. God, didn’t realize how awkward it’d be to look at his face like this. Eunseok immediately regretted turning down Sungchan’s suggestion to do the live in the same room. He’d said he wanted to try the split-screen, but he was just too nervous to sit beside Sungchan while facing Briize.
“Sohee-nim and Shotaro-nim have joined the live.” While waiting for the members, Eunseok read through the comments. “A bed? What's that?”
Sungchan’s expression changed. “Ah, the bed for the Hug stage. What did you think?”
“It was a little embarrassing, honestly,” Eunseok answered, keeping his voice as flat as possible.
Some of Hug stages didn’t use backtrack, so he had to concentrate on singing live. The camera turned their way during Eunseok’s part, forcing them to move closer for fanservice.The last thing I need while singing a ballad is hearing my own breathing far too clearly.
“Umm, to be honest.” Touching his face, Sungchan carefully chose his next words. “I kept wishing time would pass faster.”
Oh.
Seeing Sungchan's expression, Eunseok forced himself to laugh along. “Y-yeah I thought the same.”
“Wasn’t that the hardest part of the concert?” Sungchan kept looking at him as he laughed.
Eunseok could feel the trembling of his cheeks. “I was waiting for the next part of the concert.”
“Isn’t making money hard, Eunseokie?”
He said it lightly, then guffawed. “I don’t mind acting cute on a sofa—but a bed, with Eunseokie, of all people, isn’t that a bit much?”
Eunseok stared at him without blinking. The light falling across his forehead, the tip of his nose, and his cheekbones made Sungchan look younger tonight.
‘I kept wishing time would pass faster.’
“Anyways, we handled it well.” Unwilling to prolong the topic, Eunseok read Briize’s comments. “I had fun at the concert.”
*
The change to RIIZE’s formation felt like a joke aimed specifically at him. Eunseok, who’d been the center alongside Wonbin, was moved next to Sungchan. Shotaro—who had somehow figured out Eunseok's feelings towards Sungchan only in his second week of joining NCT years ago—tried to argue.
“Shouldn’t you be happy?” Shotaro asked while inspecting Do Your Dance practice from the sofa due to his injured ankle. Eunseok had been complaining to him during a break. “He’s even closer now, all the time. All you have to do is reach out, and Sungchan will take it.”
Eunseok sat on the sofa, helping straighten Shotaro’s leg as he tried to lie down.
“So he can swat my hand away again in front of the camera, like when I tried to hold his hand in the Music Core dressing room?” Eunseok scoffed. “Sungchan knows nothing about personal space. He always stands too close, and every time he presses his chest against me, my heart is about to jump straight through my back. Perhaps he can feel it. He doesn’t care. Definitely.”
“’Definitely’.” Shotaro shook his head while scrolling through his phone. “I bet Wonbin’s sick of this by now. I would be, if I’d been stuck between you two for as long as he has. How long are you planning to keep doing this?”
Eunseok merely stroked Shotaro’s leg. “Talk to manager hyung about formation change, or watch me pass out onstage from a heart attack.”
Near the camera, Sohee and Anton were fooling around, sometimes kissing each other’s hair, sometimes pretending to hurl each other onto the floor. Sungchan sat nearby, watching them with a smile.
There had been time when Eunseok and Sungchan joked around like that. Back when they were trainees, physical affection had been a source of comfort while they waited for a debut date that never seemed to arrive. It wasn’t just them—WayV members, some of the Wishies, other trainees who eventually moved companies, the cola-dispenser gang. They were still like that during RIIZE’s first year, hugging each other’s knees during lives, filming reaction videos with their arms around each other, Sungchan hiding behind Eunseok’s back during horror content.
He didn’t know when it'd changed. Didn’t know when Sungchan, who loved affection just as much as he did, had stopped hugging him—especially in front of the camera. Back then, touching had been easy, as though neither had yet learned that thousands of eyes might interpret it differently. These days, Eunseok had to settle for playful punches and jabs.
He wished Sungchan would lean against him freely like he used to. He wished Sungchan would hug him the way Anton hugged Sohee. He wished that when he placed his hand on Sungchan’s back, ran his fingers through his hair, patted his cheek, beneath the stage lights and a dozen cameras, Sungchan wouldn’t pull away.
Sungchan, my heart, everything about me, everything I have under my name, all those years of adolescence that was spent with you.
All of it belongs to you.
*
Eunseok was lying face-down on his bed when the bedroom door was forced open.
“Get up.”
Eunseok groaned. “But I just lay down.”
“That's all you've been doing for days.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I went to practice and filming contents.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. That’s our job. Other than that you’ve been locking yourself even more than usual.”
Eunseok buried his face in the pillow and groaned more desperately. “Shut up and go away.”
“Don’t be rude, Eunseokie.”
“‘Respect the privacy. Don’t disturb each other.’” Eunseok kicked off his blanket, finally turning around to look at Sungchan. “You're violating rule number two of the lower floor.”
Sungchan, leaning against the doorway with his arms folded, only laughed.
“Then I’ll pay fine, as agreed.” Sungchan entered his room—not once with permission—and sat on the edge of the bed. He twirled the car keys between his fingers. “Abura soba?”
Sungchan really was good, knowing exactly things Eunseok would never refuse, not even fifty years from now, not even on his worst days.
“Wonbin?”
“Just went to shower. We’ll bring some back. For upstairs too.”
Eunseok—always practical that the sooner he left, the sooner he’d return to his bed—got up, checked himself briefly in the mirror, then left the room with his phone in hand.
Sungchan looked him up and down. “You don’t need to change? Comb your hair?”
“My face has already worked hard enough.”
Sungchan snorted.
In the car, Eunseok connected his phone to the audio and put on his playlist. “Why do you have the car? When did you go home?”
“I didn’t. Went out to eat with hyung this afternoon, then told him I needed the car. He took the subway home.”
“Need it for what? Our schedule is packed tomorrow.”
“Tonight.” Sungchan corrected him, keeping his eyes on the road. “Very important duty of coaxing a sulking child.”
Eunseok’s hands went into position, ready to punch Sungchan’s arm. “Hyung is six months older than you, dongsaeng.”
“Hey, I’m driving.” Sungchan protested, but made no attempt to stop him. He didn’t even lean away. “Look at yourself. Older, but no wiser.”
After greeting the restaurant staff who were familiar with Eunseok, who visited with Sohee at least once every two weeks, they ate while discussing the major stages coming up over the next few weeks.
On the way back, Sungchan glanced at the four containers of soba on the back seat, before taking an exit that didn’t lead toward the dorm. “Night walk. Haven’t done one in a while.”
“This wasn't agreed upon.” Eunseok hit Sungchan’s arm again. “Sohee will kill me if I give him clumped soba.”
“He should be grateful we even brought food.” Sungchan laughed, reaching across to ruffle Eunseok’s hair. “Come with me.”
At Hangang River parking lot, they put on masks and hoodies before getting out of the car, then walked over to the supermarket to buy Sungchan’s favorite ice cream. They chose a quiet path to walk along, eventually taking off their masks while eating.
Eunseok didn’t show it, but he was grateful Sungchan had brought him out tonight. Sungchan must've done it because he’d been acting like a zombie lately.
Eunseok wet his lips before speaking. “I’m going to apologize.”
Sungchan nodded, finished the last bite of his ice cream, then threw the stick and wrapper into a trash can. “Official SM statement?”
“Bubble. In my own words, so Public Relations can’t edit it.”
Sungchan stepped in to block his path, then looked down at him. “You regret it?”
Eunseok nodded. “More than anything.”
“Then apologize sincerely. Promise that future you will be better than this.”
“I—” Eunseok laughed, a little desperately. Saying it out loud felt much harder than he’d expected. “I know I’m usually pretty calm about stuff, always saying that things like this happen. But I hurt people who genuinely care about me,” he concluded. “Sungchannie, I’m scared.”
“You should be. Fear is good. We wouldn’t be afraid of things we didn’t consider important.” Sungchan patted his head. “Do you remember my last heart-to-heart with NCTzen? It takes courage to admit that we’re weak, or that we’re wrong. Being honest only brings me to better places, always.”
They didn’t talk much on the way home. Eunseok stared out the window, going over his apology word by word. Sungchan’s voice, loudly and aggressively practicing pronunciation for their latest song, soothed him.
I’ve always learned from you. Perhaps I still have a lot to learn—especially when it comes to expressing myself. Will you always stay by my side, helping me become better when I make mistakes?
When they arrived, Wonbin was waiting with the other three. Sohee complained about the soba that had turned soggy, saying it didn’t taste as good as when it was freshly made. Eunseok quickly escaped to take shower.
Sungchan stopped him at the door. “Want me to stay with you while you write it?”
Eunseok shook his head. “I’ll be tempted to discuss it. I shouldn’t borrow someone else’s words. Though manager hyung will look before I upload it.”
“I think people can sense sincerity in a genuine apology.”
Eunseok looked at the hand gripping his arm. “Thank you. For tonight, for, um—”
For normalcy. For treating me the same as you always do.
Seeing the hesitation, Sungchan cut him off.
“You stayed with me when things were rough. I’m just doing the same.” He smiled, showing his bunny teeth. “But if you insist, you can call me hyung for a week, Eunseokie.”
*
“Kai hyung really is a seasoned MC. Very natural,” Eunseok said on the way home from filming Jeongwaja. “Are you close with him?”
“A little, since NCT. He’s the type of introvert who gets along with people easily.” Sungchan studied him for a moment. “Were you nervous earlier? It didn’t show at all.”
“Only because we were filming at a university. If I hadn’t given up the the fourth time SM pursued me, I would’ve become a university student.” Eunseok took out the ring he’d made at the workshop to admire it.
“Don't rule it out. For now, we can do occasionally through contents.” Sungchan looked at Eunseok’s ring, took it from him, and turned it over between his fingers. “It suits you, being a student. Gyosu-nim liked you so much he lent his machine just for you.”
Eunseok laughed. “I’ve always been popular with ahjussis and fanboys, haven’t I?”
“The ring Kai hyung made earlier was nice,” Sungchan remarked while trying on Eunseok’s ring.
Eunseok raised an eyebrow. Wasn’t Kai hyung’s ring the worst? “Nice?”
“Practical,” Sungchan corrected himself. His eyes lingered on the ring on his annulary. His thumb brushed over the surface, catching a tiny light each time the van passed a streetlamp. “For couples. Each circle for one pinky.”
That was so cute. “So you don’t get separated when walking through crowds? Are you the type who wants to hold hands all the time with your lover?”
Sungchan coughed dramatically while taking the ring off, then panicked when it rolled underneath the car seat.
“Jung Sungchan the Destroyer. Good luck finding it.” Seeing Sungchan awkwardly bend over to reach for it, Eunseok added, “Keep it for me.”
Sungchan stared at him, blinking in confusion. “Huh?”
“Keep my ring. Until our next schedule together. Part-time for soccer academy, isn’t it?” Eunseok closed his eyes and prepared to sleep. “Return it afterwards.”
*
RIIZE visited a B&B in Naega Village for their Summer Vacation content. Spending two days one night in the countryside without scripts, stage outfits, and makeup felt like a breather in the midst of their packed schedule.
Eunseok’s big mouth—having once declared fishing to be the most boring thing in the world—naturally landed him at a fishing pond. But perhaps the goddess of luck was smiling at him, because Sungchan, who almost joined the mudflat team, insisted that he should lead hyung line fishing.
At night, when Anton finally stopped whining about the light shining into the sleeping area, all the microphones had been turned off, and half the members were asleep, Wonbin whispered.
“How was fishing earlier? Did you want to throw Taro hyung into the water so he stopped third-wheeling?”
“Park Wonbin, I’m still awake.” Shotaro hyper-whispered from beside Wonbin.
“Stay out of it.” Wonbin kicked Shotaro legs.
Eunseok smiled at the ceiling. “Turns out it wasn’t that boring when you go with the right person.” Not that father isn’t fun.
“That person also enjoyed his time with you. His face was glowing when he came back.”
“Because he caught a lot of fish.” Eunseok laughed, then lowered his voice again. “I liked seeing him laugh so freely. Like he wasn’t carrying anything on his shoulders. It was nice watching him enjoy his hobby, though my fishing skills suck.”
Wonbin reached over the blanket and caressed his arm. “Are you finally going to confess?”
“Good grief.” Eunseok snorted. “We just went fishing. With Taro hyung, a dozen staff members, under the watch of cameras the whole time. That alone isn’t going to make Sungchan fall for me.”
“I hate it when you get like this, hyung. Isn’t spending time with someone you like supposed to be the best feeling in the world? Why do you have to overthink every little thing?”
Eunseok stroked Wonbin’s hand. “How are you so smart about stuff like this?”
“I know what it feels like to keep looking at someone who never looks at you,” Wonbin then added quietly, “the same way. If only things were different—”
Oh, what a terrible friend, an even more awful hyung. He searched Wonbin’s eyes in the dark, only to find him grinning. Wonbin likes someone, it's unrequited, and I have no idea about it? Me, who lives next to his door?
“If only things were different?” Eunseok probed.
Wonbin laughed as he squeezed Eunseok’s hand, then turned onto his side.
“No hope. That person’s in love with someone else.” The last sentence was spoken so quietly it seemed meant only for Eunseok. “But there’s a chance for you. So please, tell him, and put an end to my suffering, who’ve spent years watching you pine over Sungchan hyung.”
Eunseok let out a tired sigh, then turned toward the ceiling.
Sungchan, he called silently, though Sungchan was sleeping across from him, and if Eunseok lifted his head just a little, he’d see a Sungchan-shaped lump beneath the blanket. What’s the last thing you think about before you fall asleep?
Do you ever call my name, the way I keep reciting yours like a mantra?
“God, seriously, go to sleep. We have to wake up early. Continue yearning tomorrow while cooking or cleaning this room.” Wonbin whispered angrily, kicking Eunseok underneath the sheets. “Good night, hyung.”
*
🧡: Did you record Eunseok oppa and Sungchan oppa hugging at the fanmeeting yesterday? 🤩🤩
💂🏻: Keeping it for my personal collection.
🧡: What did it feel like watching the 01z hyungs hug?
💂🏻: Absolutely incredible!
Eunseok groaned when he read it, then immediately left his room. Upon reaching the upper floor, he pounded on Sohee’s door before walking in. He wedged himself between Sohee and Anton, who were lying side by side on the bed.
“Stop talking about it.”
“Hm? What are we talking about?” Anton lifted his head from his laptop and looking at him in confusion. “Ah, Sohee hyung’s Weverse.”
“Don’t think I said anything weird.” Sohee checked his replies. “Should I delete them? But wouldn’t it look weirder if I suddenly deleted them?”
“No need.” Eunseok rolled onto his back. “Just don’t talk about it anymore. I think,” his voice faltered. “Sungchan really hates this kind of fanservice.”
Anton placed his laptop on the table. “He told you that?”
“You didn’t hear him?” Eunseok asked. “When Sohee was recording, Sungchan followed him around shouting, ‘Put the camera down. Put it down!'’” Eunseok shook his head. “Reminded me of the Hug stage. Sungchan said that, out of three hours, laying on the bed with me was the hardest part of the concert. Worse than Siren? Give me a break.”
Anton laughed. Sohee, who was somewhat better at manners, smacked him.
“Sorry hyung. I mean,” Anton paused. “I watched that live last year. Weren’t you the first to say the Hug stage was embarrassing? You also scolded me after I put your heads together onstage.”
“Of course it was embarrassing. I couldn’t control my vocal vibration while singing. Too nervous.”
Sohee rolled his eyes. “Did it ever occur to you that Sungchan hyung might’ve said that because he misunderstood your vague words?”
Eunseok turned to hug Anton. “I don’t know anymore. Zero hope.”
Sohee pulled him to face upward again. “You always dodge this. Answer properly. What’s stopping you from confessing?”
“He doesn’t feel the same,” Eunseok snapped. “He liked posts that use the term C5 gave us. True friendship or whatever.”
“Did he say that to your face? How can you be so sure?” Sohee nagged at him. “Come on, aren't you a chronic T? Where's your T when you need it most?”
Eunseok couldn’t help thinking about it. “Okay, he’s allergic to hugging me in front of cameras. It had been ages since the last time he did it before the fanmeeting. Yet he’s perfectly happy to hug all of you.”
“Not true, Wonbin hyung gets hugged even less,” Anton chimed in.
“Shut up you child.” Eunseok thought again. “He meets other people. Goes drinking. Works out with them. Goes to museums with them. God knows what else.”
“Boyfriends? One-night stands? Did he tell you?”
“Not in detail, but come on,” Eunseok paused again. “Dates. Comes home late when he doesn’t have schedules. In between filming, smiling at his phone reading texts.”
“So many words, yet still no answer my question. What’s stopping you from confessing? Not him—you, hyung.”
Eunseok fell silent, unable to answer.
“I’m a coward, what else,” he finally gave up. “If I get rejected, which is very likely, I’ll lose him entirely. Ten years of friendship. We'll stop talking and make things uncomfortable for you. RIIZE will disband—”
Sohee guffawed. “Do you hear yourself? RIIZE isn’t going to disband just because two members don’t talk to each other. Plenty other bands only work as colleagues, and guess what, they’re still in the industry.”
“I left a swimming career and the prospect of attending a prestigious university in the States,” Anton added. “Hyung thinks that just because your love crumble—which hasn’t even happened—we’d sit around and watch RIIZE fall apart?”
Eunseok sighed.
“Then should I tell him?” He turned around to hug Sohee's head. “When he debuted in NCT, I thought the feeling would finally disappear because I wouldn’t see him as often. Who knew it would turn out like this.”
“It’ll eat you away, hyung. Are you going to keep it until Sungchan hyung comes back from enlistment and announces he’s getting married to someone we barely know?”
Eunseok bit Sohee’s shoulder, making Sohee hit him.
“You kept talking about rejection.” Anton raised an eyebrow. “But what if he feels the same?”
“Worse. We’ll hate each other’s guts when we break up.” Eunseok narrowed his eyes at Anton. “Why are you making that face?”
Of all the members, Eunseok knew Anton was closest to Sungchan. “Did he tell you something?”
Eunseok caught Sohee shaking his head at Anton.
“Think about it. He always lingers near you, whether the camera is on or not.”
“We’re the same age. Trained together for three years before NCT stole him away from me.”
“He laughs the loudest at your jokes.”
“I’m one the funniest idol out there, aren’t I? Everyone laughs at my jokes.” Eunseok thought for a moment. “Wonbin laughs even harder at my jokes. Do you think he likes me too?”
Anton and Sohee exchanged another glance, making Eunseok even more suspicious. “What? What are you hiding?”
“The point,” Sohee cut in, looking thoroughly fed up, “is to confess and settle this. Hyung jokes around too much over something this serious, yet being miserable all by yourself. We don’t even know what we’re supposed to do anymore.”
*
“Can I use your bathroom? Wonbin’s been in ours for twenty minutes.”
Sungchan, who was sitting cross-legged on the living room sofa facing the TV, nodded to let Eunseok enter his room.
When Eunseok finished, he found Sungchan still sitting in exactly the same position, staring blankly at the dark screen.
“Sungchannie?”
“Are you busy?” Sungchan asked hopefully. “There’s this horror movie.. Watch it with me?”
Eunseok sat beside Sungchan, who immediately moved closer. The movie hadn’t even started, and Sungchan was already clinging to him.
“Such a scaredy-cat. What's the title?”
Sungchan spent the next hour and a half hiding behind his shoulder, gripping him whenever the music grew tense, screaming whenever the screen went dark and the camera angle left the protagonist’s face. Eunseok, somewhat a hopeless romantic, thought that perhaps the moment he’d long for would finally come. Instead, his shoulder was being hit repeatedly, his hand squeezed until his knuckles turned white. All he did was laugh, occasionally brushing Sungchan’s hair aside when he buried his face against Eunseok’s neck.
Wonbin joined them at some points. Soon, however, he became annoyed every time Sungchan’s scream startled him. Ten minutes later he returned to his room grumbling.
“You haven’t changed at all,” Eunseok said when the movie ended, reaching for the remote beside Sungchan to turn off the screen. “You were always like this during movie nights in the trainee dorm.”
Sungchan pouted, showing no signs of moving from his shoulder. “I was just a little uncool about this, okay? I was super good at other things.”
Eunseok snorted, resting his head against Sungchan’s. “Of course. You were the coolest trainee back then.”
Sungchan wrapped an arm around Eunseok’s waist. “Why does it sound like an insult when you compliment me?”
Eunseok turned, making the mistake of looking at Sungchan’s wet lips only a few centimeters from his own. He quickly looked away. “You really were cool. I—I’ve never said this before, but I used to be really jealous of you.”
“Because I debuted first?”
After you left—after your handsome face appeared in all its glory in NCT’s blue suit during NCT2020 introduction—I spent long nights lying in the trainee dorm, staring at cracks in the ceiling with a heart full of longing, asking myself whether what I really wanted was to be loved by you, or to become you.
“Because you rap well. Sang beautifully. Good at dancing despite those awkwardly long legs. Great at emcee-ing. Spoke Japanese and English fluently. The most respected trainee leader after Jungwoo hyung debuted.” He went silent as the memories came rushing back. “I was jealous because I was nowhere as good, even though I worked just as hard. Of course you deserved to debut first.”
“It’s embarrassing, stop it.” Sungchan tightened his embrace, then whispered into Eunseok’s hair. “I’m sorry I was away for a while.”
Eunseok didn’t answer, only looking at Sungchan’s hand resting on his stomach, tracing each vein with his thumb.
That’s precisely why I stayed with you during that uncertain period before you left NCT. When you cried, when you were afraid, when you lacked confidence, when you were unsure what to do—even though my own future was still dark, I made sure to running to you whenever you asked me to.
Sungchan kissed his shoulder. Then, in a soft tone they used only with each other, asked, “Did you miss me back then?”
Eunseok fought back the sudden rush of pink, determined not to crack over something Sungchan did naturally with all the members.
In the silence of the dorm, young Eunseok would reach a hand toward the bed next to mine, only to realize that the back facing me wasn’t yours.
“My drive to practice had increased, not only because I wanted to debut, but because I wanted to be worthy of being on the same team as you.” It was the only way my naïve heart knew how to understand missing you. “Dancing or singing badly would only embarrass you and Taro hyung, who were already real idols.”
Sungchan snorted, then slowly loosened his embrace. “My reliable Song Eunseok.”
Eunseok wanted to pull him back. Wanted Sungchan to keep holding him. Wanted to return to the time when he could spend an entire day with Sungchan doing nothing, without members, without cameras, without RIIZE as the identity they carried everywhere. He wanted to be inside Sungchan’s head if he were allowed, wanted to live in Sungchan’s heart if only Sungchan wanted him there.
Want, want, want. He should've been satisfied with aplenty he already had with Sungchan. It wasn’t this unrequited feeling that was killing him, nothing else but his own greed.
Sungchan took out his phone and shoved it at Eunseok. “I uploaded this to Weverse.”
It was a photo of Eunseok curled up on the sofa, eyes half open beneath a gray blanket. The second photo of sleeping Eunseok that Sungchan uploaded, making Eunseok the butt of jokes in RIIZE group chat and on social media.
“I watched a horror movie with you, and this is how you repay me.” Eunseok scoffed. “Didn’t realize you took it. When was this?”
“Yesterday. Just wait for the next uploads,” Sungchan grinned. “Still hundreds of pictures of you in my gallery.”
Huh.
“You have hundreds of pictures of me in your phone?” Eunseok repeated, narrowing his eyes.
Sungchan shifted until they were no longer touching, then spoke very quickly. “Thousands, if you count trainee days. Along with everyone else, of course.”
“Oh, sure.” Ten years was indeed a long time for thousands of photos.
*
During Esquire shot for Sunburst promotions, Eunseok cracked up when Sungchan appeared in the studio with curly blonde hair. Eunseok’s hairstyling appointment had been earlier that day.
“What?” Sungchan asked accusingly, pouting. He immediately turned toward the mirror. “Do I look stupid?”
Eunseok laughed again. “No, it suits you. You look like a harmless little animal.” Then, trying to coax those lips into a smile again, “Want to take a selfie? Give me your phone.”
Sungchan, do you really not know?
Your long black hair during Fly Up promotions, which made you look like a real adult, made not only Briize around the world scream, but also me, who were always beside you. Your hair in NCT, in all those different shades of brown, marked every rise and fall of your fighting spirit. Even the mullet and short bangs during Memories promotions—though that one looked the most tragic—made me relieved because at last your laughter truly came freely after being held back for years.
Every hairstyle, every silly pose, every laughter which sometimes sounded inappropriately loud for camera, there is a corner of my heart that adores every single one.
Together, they looked at a photo Briize had tagged them in on social media. A baby deer hugging an unimpressed cat. Eunseok took the selfie, trying to remain calm despite nonexistent distance between them—and failed miserably. He glanced over just as Sungchan stuck his tongue out at the camera, imitating the deer’s pose.
So pretty, so handsome, he thought regretfully, nearly giving himself away at the sight of Sungchan’s eyes on the screen. In any room, you’re always the most captivating.
“Wangja-nim.” He smiled as he returned Sungchan’s phone, then touched his hair. “I think Gongju-nim suits you better.”
Sungchan laughed as he took it back, the corners of his lips curling upward as he looked through the photos. Then, glancing at Eunseok, he whispered, “Wangja-nim, like my outfit that one time. You remember?”
Manager hyung told them that Anton-Wonbin and Shotaro-Sohee had taken similar selfies, and all three would be uploaded to Esquire’s account. It was apparently a challenge other idols were also doing. Ah, of course, Eunseok complained silently. I always have to share.
Will the day ever come when I can keep the sparkle in your eyes all to myself?
*
The anniversary live was extremely minimal. Eunseok knew they had already filmed enough content, but this was their actual anniversary. Couldn’t they do the live in a more formal room or wear something more appropriate instead of coming straight from practice like this?
Sungchan sat beside Eunseok in the corner of the sofa—shoulder, arm, thigh, calf pressed tightly against him. No one had told him to sit there, but Eunseok had become so accustomed to Sungchan slipping himself between him and the other members to even bat an eye.
Sungchan, who was terrible at energy management—lively in the morning and exhausted at night—kept giving Briize spoilers. Eventually, Eunseok opened his phone, fully aware that Sungchan was looking over his shoulder, and read a message from manager hyung in the group chat.
‘Express your love to BRIIZE.’
Sungchan started by singing a love song, turning Eunseok's attention back to his phone. Shotaro, wasting not a second, touched Eunseok’s hand.
“What about you?” Shotaro wiggled his eyebrows, out of Sungchan’s sight, but Eunseok saw him. “You love just as much, don’t you?”
This childish mat-hyung. “Of course I love, um..”
“Then express it!”
Sungchan frowned at Shotaro. “But why are you forcing him to say stuff?”
Seeing other members waiting for him, Eunseok did his signature move, making a finger heart at the camera while saying ‘I love you’ in a silly voice. Only then did the conversation move on to their world tour.
“If you could travel to the States, who would you take?” Sungchan suddenly asked him.
“Uh, I don’t mind going alone.”
The other four insisted. “If you had to go as a unit?”
Eunseok searched the mischievous faces that were looking at him. One day I'm really going to strangle every single one of you with my bare hands.
Not Sungchan. I won’t strangle Sungchan, obviously.
“I’d take the native speaker, Anton.” Seeing dissatisfied expressions, Eunseok tried again. “Or, uh—Sungchan, I guess? He never fails at restaurants recommendations.”
Look at them. The little shits laughed once they heard what they wanted.
Sungchan hummed noncommittally. “I’m great at recommendations in Korea, but a little weak in the States.”
The members looked away, busying themselves reading Briize’s comments.
Is that what you’re thinking? We have many schedules together recently, so when it comes to vacation, you don’t want to go with just me?
Eunseok kept thinking about it on the way home. Sungchan, who looked completely drained, fell asleep beside him, his head bent sideways at an uncomfortable angle. Eunseok just knew he’d wake up with a sore neck tomorrow.
That one time, you sulked because I chose Shotaro as my favorite NCT member instead of you. After that I kept choosing you whenever questions like this came up. ‘Who would you choose for a special unit stage?’ Sungchan, because it’d be fun to dance to a different concept with you. ‘Who would you take to Paradise on Single’s Inferno?’ Sungchan, because you have a beautiful body. Even—'Who would you recommend for a dental checkup?’ Sungchan, I joked at the time, I think you need to brush your teeth properly.
I’ve kept choosing you ever since we were trainees. I still am. Will there ever be a time when you choose me of your own accord?
Jung Sungchan, he whispered in exhaustion, hoping that even in sleep Sungchan could hear the hammering of his heart, feel his affection, recognize his desperation. Just this once, give me a sign that I’m not the only one helplessly in love.
Sungchan’s head eventually fell onto Eunseok’s shoulder. Like muscle memory, Sungchan—without opening his eyes, his breathing even as though he were deep in sleep—hooked an arm around Eunseok’s and nuzzled in the hollow of his neck.
Eunseok slowly shifted, just so Sungchan could lean more comfortably. He kissed the strands of hair sticking out in every direction, removed Sungchan’s glasses that had slipped down his nose, then looked at Sungchan’s palm resting on his thigh.
Jung Sungchan, if I put my fingers between yours, will you hold my hand?
Slowly and doubtful, Eunseok’s hand crept closer. At a red light, he placed his hand over Sungchan’s open palm, then with thumping in his chest, waited.
If you hold it before we walk through the dorm entrance, I’ll tell you. Tonight. Ten years, and I promise I won’t hide anymore.
I’ll make peace with whatever you say. Even if you don't respond at all.
The van veered the final corner toward the dorm. Somehow, this particular turn always woke Sungchan.
Sungchan blinked, lifting his head from Eunseok’s shoulder. There were sleep creases on his cheek that resembled two lines on Eunseok’s black jacket. Yawning, he raised his hand to stretch. His eyes widened when he realized that their intertwined fingers had caused Eunseok’s hand to rise as well.
“Oh?”
Sungchan stared at their hands, then slowly glanced sideways. The corners of his mouth lifted.
“Eunseokie?”
‘Wasn’t that the hardest part of the concert?’
Fuck everything else, then. I’m not running away.
Eunseok squeezed Sungchan’s hand in return, drew in a deep breath, and forced himself a smile.
“Sungchan, there’s something I need to tell you.”