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Bernard danced alone and carefree. Surrounded by bodies that framed his he wasn’t dancing for anyone but himself – Tim knew this. The lights flashed making his movements stagger, the loud music thumping in Tim’s chest and he felt out of breath.
What a strange thing it was to love someone so intensely it transforms you.
Tim had never given much thought to his sexuality. He was indifferent to it in a way, not much caring at all what body carried the mind. He’d liked girls, he’d liked guys and had never much needed a label or a coming out of any kind. Tim was fine being Tim, loving whoever he happened to love. No explanations, no justifications – just love. And then Bernard danced in the middle of the crowded living room as if he was the only one there, his body free and face illuminated with shades of blue and he swayed his hips and Tim felt something tingle inside of him. His eyes fixated on Bernard’s hips, watching them move, watching the band of his underwear poke from his jeans and the way they’d almost fall and he’d grab them up to the beat of the song like it was all choreographed.
Tim realised he was dating a man.
He had been very much aware of the fact until now, or had he? In his mind, Tim was dating Bernard. He was dating his best friend and he loved him and he lusted after him and had an eagerness in him to possess his body that sometimes overwhelmed him. But that was it, wasn’t it? Tim was dating a man, Bernard, a man, and he… he’d only ever fucked him, never the other way around.
He bit his lip asking himself the question he’d not much asked himself before: Am I gay? Am I… Bi?
Stupid… he shook his head of the tought, of course he was, in some way. He loved Bernard and yet every time his fingers had trailed a bit too far down his taint he’d flinched. Every time Bernard had asked him if he wanted to try anything ‘new’ he’d grabbed his wrists and kissed the smirk from his face and fucked him. Bernard never pushed… Bernard, unlike Tim, had given the whole thing way too much thought and knew not to hurry, not to press… not like he was unhappy with their arrangement.
The lights shifted again and Bernard’s body bumped against that of others with no reaction from him. His eyes were closed, he danced for himself. People would try to dance with him, pulling his arm, his waist… all equally as entranced by his catharsis like Tim and he paid no mind to any. Bernard danced for himself and suddenly, months into his relationship with Bernard, months into loving him and kissing him and fucking him – Tim was having his gay awakening at a crowded house party that smelled of weed and cotton candy shots and poppers.
He leaned back against the wall, red solo cup dangling off his lips following Bernard’s hips while a warmth spread through his body. He watched Bernard for so long he lost track of time, his mind lost daydreaming of what it must be like to have Bernard inside him.
Tim hadn’t known if he was gay or bi before Bernard, it didn’t really matter to him. Watching him dance he wasn’t sure still. The only thing he was sure of is that he loved Bernard and that he needed to know what it was like to be loved by him like that.
What a strange thing it was to love someone so intensely it reveals you to yourself.
Bernard bobbed his head to the beat of music only he heard, hunched over the edge of the bed picking at a scab on his knee mindlessly. The shower was running. Wasn’t long before he laid back in bed, resting against Tim’s pillow with each limb pointing a different way. The shower was still running. Then Bernard found himself in fetal position, hugging pillows with the duvet half covering his body and was starting to dream when the door to the bathroom finally opened; not that he noticed.
“Shit…” – Tim whispered realising he’d taken too long showering and that Bernard had fallen asleep in the meantime.
He got dressed and pushed pillows and plushies around trying to make room for himself in bed next to Bernard. He woke him up the slightest with his scavenging and Bernard’s arms found him heavy with sleep, yanking him closer to himself, clutching Tim like he was a teddy bear.
“Hang on- Bee… too tight…” – Tim complained struggling to breathe through Bernard’s headlock.
“Hmm… smell so nice…” – Bernard sniffed the back of Tim’s neck easing up on him and lowering his arms to cover his body instead.
He thrusted his hip forwards, spooning Tim. He bucked his hips a little, a soft groan escaping his throat and Tim felt a twitch that emboldened him. He thrusted his ass back, slotting Bernard’s soft dick between his cheeks and grinded against him.
“Hmm…” – Bernard moaned at the feeling, one hand grabbing Tim’s abs slowly moving further down.
“Bee?” – Tim whispered.
“Hm?” – Bernard kissed the nape of his neck, breathing in his fresh scent again and Tim felt him slowly harden against him. – ”Oh sorry…”
He pulled back some, not pressing as hard against him and Tim’s stomach sunk.
“No!”
He grabbed Bernard’s hand and pulled it down for him, twisting it away from his dick and towards his ass.
“Huh?” – Bernard stirred a bit, opening his eyes and blinking at Tim.
“Don’t go…” – Tim said softly.
“Okay… you want hot dog?” – Bernard joked with a sweet laugh.
“Bee… would you… would you fuck me?” – Tim asked still gripping Bernard’s hand against the curve of his ass.
“Would I?” – Bernard gasped. – “I would be- I mean, if you… only if-”
“Yes.” – Tim responded looking back at him with wide fearful eyes Bernard hadn’t expected.
“Tim…” – He brought his hand up, cupping Tim’s face in his palms with upturned eyebrows. – “Are you…”
“I wanna know how it feels… I… I trust you…” – Tim said with heavy breathing. – “I wanna know how you feel…”
“Okay… okay… oh baby… you… are you sure? You know you don’t have to, right? I’m not sitting around waiting for-” – Bernard’s nervousness was palpable, his head shaking around as he spoke a million miles an hour.
“I wanna know.” – Tim repeated and closed his eyes, a painful boner taking over him making his shorts rise up like a tent. – “Please.”
Bernard caressed his face, his other hand resting over his stomach and he nodded.
“Okay… it’s… you’ve never… right?”
“No…”
“Okay, wow, okay… first time… uhm… okay… you… do you wanna- now?!”
“Yes.” – Tim responded thrusting his hips bringing Bernard’s attention to his erection.
“Shit… alright… you, okay… we’ll take it slow, yeah? And if you don’t like it or if it hurts or-”
“I know… I know… I know you’ll stop.” – Tim laughed shaking his head.
“Can I… can I eat you out?” – Bernard asked with a sparkle in his eye, his mouth hanging open since Tim had revealed his desire.
“I… I have no idea what I’m doing, Bee. I just… I wanna try letting you take the lead… you know what to do… I’ll… whatever you think-”
The sentence hung unfinished and Bernard tackled Tim, shoving the duvet off of them and in an instant he was between his legs pulling his underwear off. The room was still, the ringing of electricity the only sound aside from their breathing. Warm and rounded, the lighting cast long shadows that shifted the way the room looked – it was fitting.
“Keep your socks on, cutie…” – He teased looking up at Tim from behind his dick, his voice velvety like his tongue with a sharp hint to it Tim couldn’t wait to feel. – “Don’t want you getting cold.”
“Woah…” – Tim widened his eyes realising there was a whole side to Bernard he might not’ve been privy to in bed yet. Sure, Bernard could be a bit bossy when taking it, always deciding the position and setting the pace when riding Tim but this was more than bossy – this was control.
Tim was always in control, Tim sometimes wished he didn’t have to be. Suddenly, Tim didn’t have to be.
“Do you have any idea how beautiful you look, by the way? Just, in general…” – Underwear hanging around his ankles, Tim gripped the bedsheets feeling Bernard plant kisses from his tip down to his base and down his balls. – “Not even talking about your dick, just all of you… you’re stupid beautiful.”
“Shut up.” – Tim squirmed.
“Gladly.” – Bernard winked and licked his balls from the underside all the way up, travelling with a wide flat tongue that reached a little bit further down with every lick.
Tim was propped up unexpectedly, legs hanging in the air as Bernard gripped his thighs and tilted his ass up, travelling down his taint. His mouth made wet smacking sounds as he licked and kissed and Tim’s heart took off in his chest.
“I can feel your heartbeat in your balls by the way…” – Bernard laughed taking one in his mouth and suckling it.
“Jesus fucking- iuuhmmnnhh… BEE!” – Tim gasped at the feeling.
“Sensitive, huh?” – Deadly smirk, Bernard knew what he was doing.
“Goddamn…”
“Relax baby… it’ll feel even better if you relax… no reason to tense… none, yeah?” – Bernard took breaks often, sitting there with wide green inquisitive eyes that waited for Tim’s reactions.
“Mhm…” – Tim nodded and tried to unclench his fists.
Bernard licked his lips, looking down at Tim and lowered himself, blowing air against his entrance.
“Fuck!” – Tim gripped the sheets again, his abs bulging and his core tightened.
“You’re hopeless…” – Bernard laughed speaking against him, his lips ghosting his tight hole. – “Can’t even take a puff of air, how you gonna take me?”
“With lots of lube I should hope…” – Tim joked curling his toes.
“I thought it was cute, you know?” – Bernard carried on yapping as usual, planting soft kisses against his cheeks and hole between words. – “How I’m so much taller than you but you’re always the one ramming into me… very cute… you’re so much stronger of course but… but this is also pretty sweet, you know? Having you like this…”
He brought his thumb away from Tim’s thigh, licked it and pressed it against his entrance, not trying to come in, just applying some pressure.
“Have you done anything to prep by the way? Should I…”
“Yeah… yeah… all good… you… just… mmmm…” – Tim squirmed.
Bernard couldn’t believe his eyes. Tim was unravelling under him from the smallest of touches, losing his ability to speak cohesively and it was all because of him – his hands, his mouth, his affection.
“You tried out some stuff? Like, a finger?” – Bernard insisted: unable to speak or not he wanted to make sure he knew he wouldn’t hurt Tim.
“Mhmmm… and a plug…” – Tim moaned at the feeling of pressure that seemed to travel from his bottom up to his brain like a primal anchor.
Bernard pulled his thumb away and replaced it with a tongue that oscillated between wide and pointed, eating Tim out with loud slurping sounds that challenged the stillness in the room.
“Oooooh my god….” – Tim arched his back, a numb hand reaching out for Bernard’s shoulders and gripping him.
“Did it feel like this?” – Bernard teased coming up for air.
“Most definitely not, holy shit…” – Tim panted and laughed, his eyes darting all over as though all ability to control them had evaded him.
Bernard licked him until he felt his skin cover in goosebumps and then stopped, sitting on his heels reaching a hand over to Tim’s dick and pumping him slow.
“Tim… I’m not gonna finger you, not much.” – He said with a throaty exhale and a vague expression. – “I need to feel you… now… with me… can I?”
“Whatever…” – Tim smiled and bit his lip.
“I wanna make this good for you, I’m gonna take it slow, I promise… just a little lube to get you ready but I want you to feel me… I need you to feel me… I’m kinda losing it here…” – Bernard chuckled. He wanted to take it slow, he really did but he was also so insanely horny and ready he was struggling to hold back.
Bernard would’ve lived a full life never knowing what Tim felt like without a second thought. Once the carrot dangled in front of him however he felt a need to take over Tim and hold him and fuck him like never before- possessive and raging, there was an itch he suddenly became aware of driving him mad. Tim looked soft under him, small. He looked perfect, he looked his.
“Never heard you like that…” – Tim chuckled.
“Never really felt like this before… I’m…” – Bernard shook his head blowing air from his mouth making a funny noise that led to joined laughter.
He jumped off the bed and Tim panted at his release from his dick, watching Bernard rush around removing his clothes and picking up lube and condoms so fast he worried he’d trip. His dick was hard, painfully hard bouncing with each step he took.
“I’m not going anywhere you know?” – Tim teased leaning his head back against his bicep.
“Oh, I know you’re not going anywhere… were you gonna go skateboarding tomorrow by the way?” – Bernard dropped his loot on the bed and stroked himself a couple times looking down at Tim.
“Yeah, just a little.” – Tim reached for his own dick, synching his pumping with Bernard’s.
“Cancel it, you won’t be able to walk tomorrow.” – He smiled and Tim forgot to breathe entirely.
Bernard climbed back over Tim, slotting himself between his legs and grabbed his jaw with one hand, kissing him with such strength their lips turned white being pressed against their teeth.
“Bee!” – Tim shrieked between kisses.
“Fuck, you’re so hot, so cute, so mmmmnnn…”
Bernard pulled back, sitting on Tims thighs and squirted lube onto a finger. Tim narrowed his mouth in an exhale, consciously breathing, bracing himself. He was turned on, he was ready, he was curious and he was turned on and he was excited and he was turned on and Bernard looked so good towering over him like that and he was turned on and yet he couldn’t help but tense in anticipation.
“I’m just gonna put some of this in you… make it easier, yeah?” – Bernard lowered himself over Tim, bringing his hand down between his thighs.
“Mhm…” – Tim nodded pressing his forehead against Bernard’s.
“Okay, just the middle finger here… just a little pressure…” – Bernard cooed driving his middle finger into Tim.
“Holy fuck!” – Tim exclaimed feeling Bernard inside him.
Inside him, Bernard was inside him, a part of him, his body, his beautiful body was inside him. Not a mouth sucking, but a hidden part of him so intimate and Bernard was in it, driving a finger inside to make him feel good and Tim’s chest and stomach moved wildly out of pace with each other through laboured breathing.
“Should- should I stop?” – Bernard stopped feeling Tim’s body seizing against his own.
“No… go on… fuck…”
“Just a little more, just a little more lube…” – Bernard dragged his finger around Tim’s walls and watched his eyes close. – “That’s it… you’re doing so good… it’ll feel good, I’ll do my best… I promise… Tim, you’re doing so good…”
“Bee, oh my god…”
Bernard pulled out, a hand resting on Tim’s stomach, steadying him. He wiped his fingers on a tissue, a smirk spreading on his face seeing Tim recovering. He’d already looked so absurdly sweet and all from a finger alone… The condom felt snug around him and he lowered himself pushing one of Tim’s thighs up against his chest.
“I’m gonna go in like this but we can switch yeah? Whatever you think will feel best… just say the word baby, just say-” – Bernard pressed his tip against Tim’s entrance and felt himself sliding in, stopping his ranting to suppress a grunt.
His eyes widened, meeting Tim’s with an open mouth and hitched breath. One thrust, he bucked his hips and thrusted and Tim moaned so loud it practically echoed in his chest.
“MMmmnnhhmmpphh… aarrrghhmmm!”
“Does it hurt?”
Tim wasn’t sure. It did, it certainly did but it also didn’t. Your hand touches a hot burner, you pull it away without thinking. You fall on your ass and your chest constricts and you roll over. You feel pain and you run from it. This hurt, it definitely did hurt, so then why was Tim’s instinct to run towards it?
“Yes…” – He hissed clenching his jaw.
“Crap… okay…” – Bernard stopped. – “I can come off if you’re not ready…”
“No… no… I mean… maybe? No…”
“Tim!” – Bernard laughed. – ”Okay, listen, yeah it’s gonna hurt a little but it shouldn’t hurt too bad… if you try to relax I promise it’ll ease in… it’ll get better, you trust me?”
“I do… I do…” – Tim nodded.
“Come closer, bite if you need to…” – Bernard’s voice was gravelly as he lowered himself closer and closer.
Tim curled his spine forwards, his abs bulging from tension in his core and Bernard panted feeling their skin so connected. He wrapped his arms around his neck, digging into his back.
Bernard was inside Tim, him, his body, his self was inside Tim, inside Tim, thrusting and making him feel pleasure he’d never felt before – ever. His body, his dick, his body inside his body and Bernard was overtaken with emotion, breathing in through his teeth.
He picked up the pace, thrusting the tip deep inside without too much recoil.
“Talk to me, baby… how does it feel?” – He asked clutching Tim’s sides.
How does it feel?
Tim watched Bernard’s torso, his hips thrusting like he did when dancing, that organic rhythmic movement that came so naturally, his eyes half shut and raised eyebrows.
How does it feel?
How can one describe something they’re experiencing for the first time? Tim was never one much for fancy prose, romantic metaphors and similes. Tim was technical, precise. He much more enjoyed the authors who managed to express much with little. The direct statement that in context reveals depth.
“It feels like the first time I did a perfect kickflip… it feels like the first time I swung between the buildings of Park Row on my own. It feels like… like when my heart stopped and then came back… it feels like… so new and so explosive- aarrghhmm… it feels like being born, or maybe dying, going back home…”
Bernard widened his eyes at Tim’s words, gripping him harder and lowering himself further to be as close to him as he could.
“Feels like a sip after you’ve been deprived of water, or a breath after missing oxygen… feels like truth and feels like- like luck.”
He felt the quivering lip before he felt the warmth around his eyes, his cheeks blushing so fast Bernard pulled back to do a double take – finding Tim’s blue eyes piercing against a pattern of pinks and reds, glossy as tears welled at the sides hanging on stubbornly.
“Tim… baby… oh my god…” – He cooed kissing his cheeks. – “I’m not sure I follow but…”
“It makes sense to me… it makes sense to me…” – Tim ranted with sloppy lips that felt alone.
Tim tightened his arms around Bernard’s neck, clutching onto him and responding to his thrusting in his own time, planting kisses on his skin to soothe his loneliness.
“Mmnnnn slow there… You’re gonna make me cum before you do…” – Bernard celebrated feeling Tim unclench some, joining him in sex.
“It’s different… it feels good already… so good… when will I know?” – He whispered against Bernard.
“You’ll know… you might not cum the first time… but you’ll know… it feels good? You sure?”
“So good… my dick’s just sitting there and it feels so good… I didn’t know-”
“Oh right!” – Bernard pulled up a little a reached down for Tim’s dick, pressing it down against his stomach drawing a grunt from his swollen red lips. – “Can’t forget about him…”
“Oh… Bee…” – Tim’s arms fell back against the pillows and his ribcage flared feeling Bernard start pumping him while shifting his thrusting, pulling out more and more and slamming back into him, driving his whole length from tip to base inside him.
“Fuuuuck Tiim… oh my god baby you feel so good… fuuuck…” – Bernard gripped Tim’s sides with desperation. It had scared him to think he might hurt him but with arms stretching back, parted lips and legs that dropped unless held up he realised Tim was right where he wanted to be: what a strange thing to love someone so much you fear their pain even if it brings them pleasure.
“More…” – Tim whined in a breathy tone, eyes that pointed at Bernard but saw a blurry mess of blonde hair bouncing as he thrusted into him.
Bernard‘s response remained choked in his throat. Tim was under him, he was inside him, the only person he’d ever trusted to do so and he was crying and asking for more.
A grunt was all that came out, exasperated as he nearly bust his load. He gripped tighter and slowed, needing to clear his mind but how could he? How could he look anywhere else other than at the man crying under him, with black hair falling over his eyes bouncing with his body? How could he focus on anything else other than the whimpers and moans escaping his throat between quiet sobs.
“Ah- AArrghhm! Mmhhnnpphh! Bee! Bee! Mmnnshhnmm… ffvvvvv…” – Tim cried out and bit his lip, curling his spine again and clutching Bernard’s chest.
“Are you-” – Bernard widened his eyes in surprise.
“I think- holy shit… mmhnnmmmm…. Fuuuck… mmmnnn oh my god, oh my god just-”
Flying, waking up from a good dream, kissing, reuniting with friends, luck. Tim felt it all bursting inside of him, ripping through all layers of him in a reverberating, echoing wave that thrusted him violently. It was like that feeling of falling when you lay in bed after drinking too much, a constant falling and moving without moving at all.
Bernard was mid thrust when Tim erupted under him and in his suspension he came with him. Stationary, hands gripping and dick throbbing against Tim’s clenching walls; Bernard came unexpectedly and gasped at the feeling, dropping some and holding himself with a fist on the mattress while he breathed through it.
“Oh shit… oh fuck… okay… oh baby… you…you just came, right?” – He asked between deep inhales.
“Mhm…” – Tim chuckled under him, wiping away tears from his eyes.
“Oh no no… hey, it’s okay… it’s okay…”
Bernard dismounted and pulled off the condom faster than Tim could register and next thing he knew he was being cradled by him, resting against his chest between his legs completely enveloped in his arms.
“Please tell me those were happy tears, please please…” – Bernard murmured kissing the top of Tim’s head.
“Yeah…” – Tim laughed. – “Happy, surprised, a little pained too but-”
“Noo… oh crap…” – Bernard swayed him gently in his arms, his lips finding Tim’s forehead and staying planted on it.
“No no… it was good… it was so good, Bee… but yeah it was a lot… I… my legs are numb…” – He admitted with more giggling, nuzzling against Bernard’s soft chest.
“Okay, I didn’t hurt you?”
“No, not at all… you… you were so sweet… but also not…” – Tim pulled back at little, smirking at Bernard. – “I liked that…”
“I don’t know what came over me, you’re just… fuck, you’re so pretty and you wanted me to be your first I-”
“I didn’t really know what to expect, you know? But that was… that was crazy…”
“Good?” – Bernard squinted. – “Like crazy good?”
“So gay…” – Tim shook his head and laughed. – “Good! I mean so good…”
“Well… yes…” – Bernard laughed. – “I should hope so…”
Tim closed his eyes falling back against Bernard.
“I just… I hope it was nice, and that it felt right, and nice, and… special? I mean, uhm… kinda basic, just, us in our room… random fuckass Tuesday night…” – Bernard rambled.
“That’s what makes it good… no big deal, no… no stress… just us, trying something new…”
“I mean, it kinda is a big deal…”
Tim shrugged.
“Oh not this again! First is ‘are you gay?’ - shrugs - ‘are you bi?’- shrugs ‘ I suppose…’ - ‘are you queer at all?’ - shrugs - ‘I’m into you…’” – Bernard mocked Tim, imitating him. – “You just took a dick for the first time ever! If there is such a thing as losing virginity you just kinda did it!”
“Yeah yeah… I don’t know, feels nice, feels… right… doesn’t feel like a huge deal just, like I just unlocked a new map or something…”
“Your metaphors are insane by the way…” – Bernard laughed giving Tim more kisses on his forehead.
“It was good Bee, it was really good… I didn’t know I could feel like that… Was it good for you?” – Tim’s tone was quiet, his breathing wet and warm against Bernard’s chest giving him goosebumps.
“Like, I don’’t wanna pressure you by saying this but holy shit, it was incredible… I came just from seeing you cum and feeling you clench around me, it was-”
“So you like giving too?” – Tim drew the tips of his fingers in small circles around Bernard’s chest and stomach, lowering them slowly.
“Yeah, I do…” – Bernard admitted.
“Okay, sweet.” – Tim smiled and readjusted himself, making himself even smaller against Bernard, one hand traveling further down and playing with Bernard’s softening dick. – “I have a question.”
“Shoot.” – Bernard smiled at Tim’s small caresses and squeezes, entertained by how he was always fascinated to play with his soft dick for some reason.
“You said I wouldn’t be able to skateboard tomorrow…”
“Yeah?”
“But does that mean we can’t do it again tonight or-” – Tim’s tone was almost child-like in its dry begging.
A twitch.
Bernard collapsed back against the pillows carrying Tim with him, his arms heavier around him and weighing him down.
“Ducky, your lack of sexual repression will be the death of me.”