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"The cruelest lies are often told in silence." ~Robert Louis Stevenson, Virginbus Puerisque and Other Papers
Alec glanced at the wooden door indecisively, palms sweating nervously.
'You might as well get it over with. He's going to hate you anyways when he finds out so why not rip it off like a band-ade?'
He shook his head, closing his eyes.
'You know its true. You're betraying him by seeing her and you know it. Admit it, Alexander.'
"You're wrong." He muttered, gritting his teeth. "I'm not betraying him, I'm only talking about his past!"
'As if you couldn't ask him about it yourself? You're a coward Alec Lightwood.'
He shook his head sharply as if that would dislodge the voice from his mind. "No I-"
"Alec?"
The Shadowhunter stiffed in terror, before spinning around to look at the Warlock making his way up the steps. "M-Magnus?"
Magnus stopped beside Alec, worried eyes taking in his expression. "Alec, is everything okay? Why didn't you just use your key?"
'Because he was to busy being a coward as usual.'
Alec smiled, laughing shakily as a blush stained his cheeks in shame. "I-I forgot my key at home."
Magnus chuckled, shaking his head before waving a hand at the door, the click of the lock sounding before it opened without a sound. "Jeez, I think Jace and Izzy are starting to rub off on you."
Alec smiled tensely, the expression lost on the Warlock as he turned his back to the Shadowhunter and walked through the door. "Y-Yeah."
'Alec, the one who couldn't tell a lie to save his life, has got Magnus Bane the High Warlock of Brooklyn so wrapped around his finger that he believes anything you say. Pathetic.'
"Well? Are you coming in?" Magnus' head popped out the door, eye twinkling in amusement as the usual blush heated Alec's cheeks.
"Right. Sorry." He darted through the door, standing awkwardly as he watched the Warlock greet Chairman Meow, cooing softly. The cat came up to him afterwards, blinking at him once before with a flick of his tail and what sounded like a scoff he walked out of the room.
'Look at that. Even the cat knows.'
He grit his teeth angrily. "Shut. Up."
"...Alec? Are you sure you're alright?"
Alec raised his eyes from the floor to meet the Warlock's concerned ones. "I'm fine. Just a little stressed out. Jace and Izzy, y'know?"
The Warlock nodded. "Why don't you come sit," He offered, petting the bright pink couch. "I can give you a massage."
Alec bit his lip, nodding guiltily as he walked forward. It amazed him how easily lying came now-a-days, though what seemed to amaze him even more was the fact that everyone seemed to believe him. Even Magnus.
The Warlock gently pushed Alec's sweater up and over his head before guiding him down onto his stomach, placing a pillow underneath his head before straddling his waist. Magnus snapped, a bottle of sandalwood oil appearing in his hand. He flicked the cap open, pouring some of the oil onto his palm before making the bottle disappear. He leaned forward, beginning to knead his palms into the Shadowhunter's back.
All of this was lost on Alec, who was still immersed in his thoughts.
"Alec, you need to relax." Magnus murmured into his ear, glancing worriedly at the Shadowhunter's back. "It isn't healthy to stress so much."
"Mmm, sorry."
Magnus laughed, shaking his head. "Why are you apologizing? It's not your fault. Though I do have to ask; just what have Jace and Isabelle been doing to get you so worked up?"
Alec tried to hide his panic, struggling not to stiffen like his body wanted to. "U-Umm, y-you know Izzy. She's always going out with no regards to her safety. And Jace... Jace is in one of his 'destructive' moods." He mentally let out a sigh of relief. There, that should be believable.
'You rotten liar.'
He nearly flinched at Magnus' silent consent, almost wishing that the Warlock would call him out on his lies and force him to unload the truth.
'But he won't do that, will he? Because he trusts you. Loves you. And you're betraying him behind his back.'
Alec buried his face in the pillow below him, fighting back the tears that wanted to fall. Because the voice was right. He was a horrible excuse of a person. Magnus trusted him and what was he doing? Being a coward and going to someone else to learn about his past.
" If Magnus has not shared his secrets with you yet, he may choose never to do so. So you may have him and his secrets, or not have him at all."
But he hadn't been able to accept that had he? His lips twisted up into a bitter smile. Camille had warned him, even in her scheming way she had warned him; but he had not heeded that warning had he? And now he was stuck with a truth that weighed his mind down and made his heart weary. A knowledge, that, though he had yearned for it, felt like poison poured into his soul. He was becoming twisted, the lies corroding away the truth and good within him until he was nothing more than a shell. The voice knew it, he knew it, his heart knew it. So why couldn't he just tell the truth?
'Because a coward will always take the easy way out, afraid of the consequences of his actions. And the consequence to your actions, is losing Magnus.'
He flinched, inhaling a sharp breath when the feel of feather soft lips pressing against his shoulder blade pulled him out of his inner turmoil.
"Shhh, it's alright love." Magnus' hands rubbed across his shoulders soothingly. "You need to relax." He placed another gentle kiss on the other shoulder before working his way down the Shadowhunter's spine, hands trailing behind, kneading the pale flesh there.
Alec shuddered, pressing his face into the pillow. The gentle caresses, the caring gestures and words... He did not deserve Magnus' kindness. If he deserved anything it would be harsh words and accusations, the bitter slap of the truth revealed and the words that would break him.
Tears escaped his eyes, falling from his cheeks onto the soft fabric below. He grit his teeth, struggling to fight them back only to let out a soft sob instead. Magnus immediately caught it.
"Alec? Are you alright?" The Warlock leaned back, removing his lips and hands from the Shadowhunter's back. A soft sniffle met his ears and he immediately jumped up off of Alec's back, falling to the floor by his head where he noticed the barely-there wet spots that came from his tears. He lifted a hand up to stroke his love's hair, pushing the messy locks back from his pale face. "Alec, please tell me what's wrong."
'You're distressing him again.' The voice noted almost tiredly. 'Stop it.'
Alec sat up, leaning back against the pink couch, curling his legs up close to his body. He swiped shakily at the tears, biting back sobs.
"Alec-"
"I-I don't u-understand-d." He whispered hoarsely. "I-I don't-t understand ho-how you can s-stand-d me."
"What? Alec, if this is about before then you don't have to worry. Your actions were perfectly understandable-"
"No!"
Magnus stiffened, eyes widening at the pain in his love's voice.
'Well now you've done it.'
Alec bit his lip, eyes downcast for fear of Magnus seeing the complete and utter shame within them. "You always f-forgive me so easily. Even a-after all that I've d-done."
Magnus smiled softly, lifting a hand to tilt Alec's chin up, struggling to meet his eyes. "That's because there's nothing to forgive, love."
Alec looked up, tears escaping at the look of complete and utter love in the Warlock's eyes. "B-But-"
Magnus pulled the younger boy into his arms, moving upwards to sit on the couch, parting his legs so that Alec rested comfortably in-between them. He stroked his hair softly, pressing gentle kisses on his face before pulling back, resting his forehead on the others as he cupped his cheeks in his hands. "I love you. That is why I forgive you."
Alec sobbed, reaching his arms out to draw the Warlock closer, hands grasping at his slender waist. "I-I'm sorr-ry-y."
"You have nothing to be sorry for love." Magnus murmured, leaning forward to brush his lips against the Shadowhunter's. "Nothing at all."
Alec leaned forward, desperation driving his movements as he pressed his lips against his love's. He wanted to be as close as possible while he still could be, for he knew, that when his lies came crashing down, Magnus would be lost to him forever. He let out a pained moan at the thought, Magnus' mouth taking it into his own. He pulled away panting, eyes welling up once more at what he was about to do.
Don't do it! Don't use him like this! You love him, he loves you! Tell him the truth! Please, please just tell him the truth! He might forgive you if you tell him the truth-
Alec ignored the thought, gazing up into Magnus' eyes. "Come to bed with me?"
Magnus smiled softly, brushing the hair out of his eyes. "Of course."
They stood, hands intertwined as the moved towards the door.
'You know that you are lost forever when you can't help but destroy the person you love most in the world.'
Alec avoided Magnus' eyes.
They fell onto the bed in a tangle of limbs, hands scrabbling at clothes and tongues battling for dominance. Alec laid back onto the bed, hands burying themselves in the Warlock's soft hair. For every piece of clothing that was removed his betrayal sang through his ears.
Magnus' shirt went.
'Liar.'
The Warlock's ndershirt went next.
'Traitor.'
His jeans followed shortly after, his boxers following right after.
'Coward.'
'Deciever.'
Magnus' pants went.
'Betrayer.'
Gentle kisses rained down on his chest and stomach. Soft lips worshiping his body as if he were important, as if he deserved it. As if he weren't a liar. He pulled Magnus up before he could reach his destination, pulling him in for a kiss before turning them over. At Magnus' questioning glance he leaned forward.
"I want this to be about you. You always give me all the attention so I thought I'd return the favor."
Another lie but his love takes it none-the-less.
Magnus moaned, eyes fluttering shut.
Alec moved down, laving nips and sucks across the smooth carmel skin on his lover's neck. Every noise that Magnus made stabbed his heart.
'Why?'
He took one of the Warlock's pebbled nipples into his mouth, a soft cry meeting his ears.
'How could you do this to him?'
He kissed downwards, pressing fluttering kisses on the smooth expanse of his stomach.
'Why would you do this to him?'
He let his lips move downwards at the pleads of his love, closing his eyes against the pain that washed over him as he took something he didn't deserve. Magnus arched up, a hoarse cry leaving his lips before he crashed back down onto the mattress, fingers weaving into his hair.
Alec closed his eyes, letting the Warlock lead him.
'How could you? Why would you?'
Every rock of Magnus' hips, every tug of his hair was a question. An accusation.
'Why?'
'Why would you do this?'
'How could you do this?'
'I LOVED you!'
Tears fell down his chin as his lover froze, a sharp cry leaving his lips as Alec took what -once again- he didn't deserve. The Shadowhunter sat back, reaching for the drawer next the bed to pull out a dark purple bottle. He popped the cap open, pouring some of the cool liquid onto his palm before spreading it over himself. Ignoring the piercing cold. He deserved whatever discomfort he was given.
He threw the bottle onto the floor, reaching out to curve Magnus' thigh around his hip. Alec looked up into the Warlock's soft eyes, waiting for his approval and when getting it he paused, taking a deep shuddering breath before pulling back.
'I'm sorry.'
He pushed forward, meeting Magnus' cries with his own. They met each other through every thrust, bodies becoming so insync that they didn't know where one began and the other ended.
Alec leaned over the Warlock taking in his every expression, ingraining it into his mind.
'I'm sorry.'
He moaned, leaning forward to press his lips against his love's, letting their breaths mingle.
'I'm so so sorry.'
Magnus clawed at his back, head arching in pleasure.
'Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry sorry sorry.'
He let out a cry, arms quivering at the heat that radiated up around him.
'Magnus I'm sorry.'
The Warlock let out a shrill cry, head twisting to bite Alec's shoulder. Alec relished in the pain. He deserved it.
He thrust. One. Twice. Three times before letting out a cry of his own, shuddering when he reached his own completion. Another thing he didn't deserve.
'I'M SORRY!'
He fell onto the bed sheets, sweaty and tired, curling his body into the older man's. And as they fell asleep, silent tears fell from his cheeks.
'I will never forgive you.'